Ianto held on to Jack for dear life, clutching his fingers tightly around the fabric of the Captain's shirt and pressing his face hard against his chest. His sobs echoed around the office and soon drowned out every other sound, except for Jack's constant soothing.
Not many words were said, but Jack understood it all. Every snivel, every cry and every ragged breath that reverberated through his own body.
He knew what it felt like to be so crushed and broken that nothing else exists beside the constant and yawning pain. Because of that, he didn't complain when Ianto screamed, cried and sobbed into his shirt. Neither did he mind that he constantly punched his chest out of sheer anger towards the world.
No, he just held him tight and cradled him, occasionally whispering sweet nothings into his ear as he caressed Ianto, stroked his hair and patted his back until every last drop of tears had been shed.
He held on to him, as long as Ianto wanted. As long as Ianto needed him.
Because he understood. He damned well understood what it felt like to be at the mercy of the cruel world.
He understood that, more than anything else, Ianto needed to feel the presence of another human being. He needed to feel warm and safe in a kind and loving environment. The last months must have been agonizing for the young man, spending most nights caring for his wounded lover alone in that cold, damp and depressing basement relentlessly doing a job that is far beyond his means. By the end, he must have felt as cold as the metal that held Lisa's body together.
Oh, you poor boy. I hope I'm doing the right thing. Even though I'm still hurting for what you did … how can I just walk away from you? Not with you in my arms like this. I can't! Even more so, I don't want to. I know what you're going through and I know what you need. I just hope that I'm enough. Nothing I say will ease your pain. I really do hope that me being here is helping you. Because I honestly don't know what else to do but hold you.
As he looked down onto Ianto's tear-stained face, he saw utter desperation and hopelessness. As if the world had given up on him. And as if he had given up on the world.
Jack knew he should still be screaming at him for his betrayal. He had never expected his right hand to turn on him so badly and he was still so very angry, disappointed and hurt by his actions. But holding Ianto in his arms, he could not bring himself to shout. He could barely move, not willing to let go of him in fear of how the recent months would influence the future of Ianto. He daren't think of what would become of this quirky, clever and witty young man if he dared to let go and let him drown in the dark ocean that had become his life.
I won't let go of you, I promise.
He also remembered clearly that even though Ianto was distressed, he did the same thing for him. Ianto had hugged him right through the pain and he had refused to let go of the Captain until he was better. That's the one thing Jack will never forget about the youngest employee in his care. He was there for him when no one else was. Now Ianto found himself in the same position, hitting rock bottom with no one to offer a caring shoulder or to mutter kind words, and Jack knew it was his job, or duty even, to give Ianto what he so desperately needed – a friend.
After a good forty minutes, Ianto eased his grip on Jack and let his exhausted body rest in the older man's embrace. Tears still ran over his burning cheeks but the desperate sobbing had stopped. Ianto found himself too tired and too sad to fight against the world like he had done all these months. In that moment, he simply gave up.
I raise my hands and I surrender. What else can I loose? Certainly not myself. I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't recognize the man I have become. I don't want to be this person, so full of hatred and sorrow. I don't the want to be the person that betrays the few people that cared for him. Least of all you, Jack! And yet I have, so very easily. But what else could I have done?
I raise my hands and I surrender. Come what may, I don't care what happens next.
He let Jack's gentle and soothing voice wash over him, cradling him into a comforting state of slumber. He closed his eyes and rested his head against Jack's shoulder, reveling in the tenderness of Jack's caresses. He felt Jack's strong arms wrap themselves around his waist, bringing him to a standing position. With effort, he moved along with Jack.
He felt his body relax onto the couch and thick blankets were draped over him, snuggling tightly around him.
"Are you okay?" Jack quietly asked as he rubbed Ianto's shoulder gently. "Can I get you something?"
"No," Ianto responded with a shaking voice. "You've already done so much …"
"Hush Sweetheart." Jack hurriedly said, not wanting to upset the man further. "Hush, you're safe here …"
Suddenly a quiet knock interrupted the conversation. Toshiko walked in carrying a tray.
"I've brought the croissants you asked for, Jack. We still had them from this morning. A bit stale but they should still be good. There are some with cream in it. I know how you liked them, Ianto. And … I've made some chocolate milk …". she said as she locked eyes with him. "I thought you might appreciate that."
"Thank you Toshiko." Jack loudly said. "Tell the others to go home if they want. It's been a long day and night!"
Ianto smiled in thanks and Toshiko nodded. With a demure look on her face, she left Jack's office.
"Remember that you brought me chocolate milk after a difficult mission?" Jack asked whilst sitting down on the floor next to the couch. "You always said that there isn't a worry in the world that can't be solved with a great cup of chocolate milk."
Ianto snorted. "I've said and thought many things that aren't true or are just plain wrong."
"Don't we all?" questioned Jack. "Besides, you were partly right. It may not solve the problem but there is nothing wrong with a cup of comfort."
He picked up the tray and placed it on his lap. He ripped the croissant in bite size pieces and offered it to Ianto.
Ianto looked up into Jack's resolute eyes and saw that eating was not something he could negotiate about. He shrugged and ate the food before him in silence without really tasting it.
Jack observed him carefully. The eyes who he once remembered to be vibrant blue were now sad, empty, tired and still painfully glistening with tears. His cheeks were flushed from strain or possibly the fever and his lips were eerily pale. His skin was grey and heavy bags under his eyes increased the appearance of illness. Jack sighed deeply. He cursed himself for letting Ianto come to this state.
He handed over the hot cup of chocolate milk to Ianto, who gratefully took it. His hands shook badly and the milk threatened to fall from the cup. Jack quickly cupped Ianto's hands and guided the steaming hot milk to his lips. Ianto took a small sip and winced as the hot liquid burnt his tongue and throat.
"Too hot?" Jack asked.
"Bit. Tastes good though."
"Yeah?" Jack exclaimed, his face suddenly lightening up.
Ianto nodded and smiled but his eyes remained dull.
Ianto broke open another croissant and flinched as the cream-filling oozed out of the pastry.
Jack wiped away a fallen tear of his cheek and frowned. "What's wrong? Are you ok?"
"Yes. No." Ianto answered. "I never really liked fillings. That's Owen. I also know Gwen likes bacon sandwiches. And Toshiko would rather have cornflakes than pastries for breakfast. And you're not too fussy about what you eat. But I … I never liked cream-fillings. I stay clear from them any way I can. Haven't eaten them since I was 6. I guess Tosh just … forgot."
In the spur of the moment, Jack undid the necklace Ianto had given him. "Here, I think you might need this more than I do… You told me this gave you strength when you need it. So hang on to this, okay?" Jack murmured. "Here have my pastry. No filling! I promise."
Ianto whispered a polite 'thank you' and gratefully took the cream-less pastry.
Jack sighed deeply. "We really screwed up with you, didn't we?"
"I guess I'm to blame as well. It's not like I could … afford to be noticed."
"But still, you were right. We never did ask you anything. Never, not even once. I should've. Even in hindsight it was clear that you were struggling with something. And day in, day out … we never noticed. We all just took you for granted. And you … you just suffered on your own. Without a friend in sight."
An uncomfortable silence fell between the two men. In the distance, Myfanwy squawked happily from her nest. It didn't escape Jack's attention that Ianto flinched every time she was present in any way. Each time she flew over their heads or squawked, he would jump up or whimper. Not even a week ago, he'd happily go to her nest and feed her. Jack had even caught Ianto caressing her beak on a rare occasion. He was amazed at how easily the ancient dinosaur had trusted him. Whenever anyone else came anywhere near her, she's scare them away by flapping her huge wings. 'Must be the dark chocolate', Jack thought.
As Ianto ate the last bit on the plate, Jack smiled fondly. "Not the biggest lunch I've seen you eat but no use in forcing you. Unless you want more?"
"No. Not very hungry." Ianto replied.
"You do need to eat. You nearly collapsed there."
'I know sir … I just can't be arsed about myself right now. I'm so used to worrying about others that I've forgotten myself. Or something like that. And now, nothing seems important."
"Good thing I'm here then huh kid."
Ianto tried to smile in response but it just felt and looked unnatural.
"Would you rather be home?" Jack asked. "I could drive you."
"No. I've got nothing there. It's just an empty flat with no one around. At least here I can be useful. Even if it is only to make coffee. That I can do. I can't do much, but that I can do."
"Ianto … you shouldn't speak about a member of my staff like that." Jack jokingly said. "Or more important, you shouldn't talk about my friend like that."
Ianto shrugged. "Unless I'm in the way. If I'm bothering you, I'll just leave. I know no one wants me here so maybe it is best if I just go home."
"No, no. It's fine. We're the only ones left at the hub. I told everyone to go home remember? Owen drove Gwen and Tosh home so they're all okay. Even more, all alerts have been forwarded to UNIT for the day. Besides, I think I will stay by your side today. No one should be alone during such a difficult time."
He went to sit behind Ianto and gently pulled him into a hug, encouraging him to lean up against his chest. He placed a small kiss in his hair as he pulled the blanket up to Ianto's shoulders, tucking him in neatly again. He drew circular patterns on his belly and when he noticed Ianto's fingers digging into his forearms, he soothingly whispered: 'It's ok Ianto, I've got you. You're not alone in this, I'm right here.'
"What am I suppose to do now, Jack?" Ianto sobbed.
"Nothing. Absolutely nothing. You just lay here and you cry. Let me do the worrying for you, you just concentrate on yourself, on healing. I'll care for you."
"Even though I …"
"Unconditionally. You're one of my staff and once you were my friend. I'm not going to turn my back on you, no matter how angry and disappointed I am. We'll work it out later. But right now, the important thing is that you get healthy and back on your feet."
Ianto turned his head and buried himself in Jack's neck. Jack shivered as he felt Ianto's hot breath caressing the sensitive skin. He placed a kiss on his head and inhaled deeply, soaking up the peach scented shampoo Ianto had used. "For a while you will be sad, you'll grieve her and cry. A lot. Little by little, it'll get better. And then, you start living again. A rebirth. You'll crawl your way out of the darkness and you will bathe in sunlight again. And you'll come back … stronger, fiercer and better."
"I don't know, I really don't know if I can."
"Of course you can. I believe in you. And I'll be there. Every step of the way. Anytime you need me, you just call me. Anything you need." Jack paused for a moment. "I won't leave you. No matter what life throws at us, I'll have your back."
"I hope you don't. There isn't anyone else …"
"Shht. Don't think about it. I'm here in this very moment and I'm holding you. You can talk to me and trust me."
"Is it all bad out there sir?"
"Out there in the big universe?" Jack asked. "No, it's not all bad. You've just had the misfortune of meeting the most horrible creatures in the universe. So vile and cruel with nothing but assimilation on their mind. In their perspective there is one superior kind and that's them. Their way of helping is eliminating everything they see as a weakness. Idiots. Mass murder means nothing to them if it means earth could be the new colony of the cyberman-race. And I wished I could say they're the worst but they aren't. There are far worse creatures out there than the cybermen. Creatures as ancient as the universe itself, lurking in the shadows and waiting for their unknowing prey to walk by. Terrifying races spread across the stars obliterating world after world for the pure sake of glory, money or revenge."
Jack paused for a minute. He pushed away his own terrifying memories and swallowed audibly. "But there is also so much goodness and beauty. I've seen so many things. Wonderful things. A world made out of ice with seas frozen midst wave, a planet made of starlight, a place where the air is so light that a human can actually fly, a world where the lakes are golden and the sky is silver! Oh If only I could have the chance to show you!"
"Is that what you're fighting for? For all of that?"
"Oh yes! All that beauty. Oh you should see the human race in the future! Standing tall amidst Gods, fighting for their future! We humans ALWAYS fight and we always survive, no matter what shit we're up against!"
"Sounds great."
"It is! How about you Ianto? What are you fighting for?"
"I fight for others. I fight to keep them with me, safe and healthy. But I keep failing. I fought for her. All those months. I tried so hard to keep her away from any further harm. But the pain, she was in so much pain, Jack. It hurt so much just to see her suffer like that. I fought for her, to keep her safe and now … it was all in vain. I fight for others but no one seems to think I'm worth fighting for."
"Oh Ianto. I think you are. And so did Lisa. She hung on to her humanity all those months for you. Even in the end, she seemed to recognize you. Even in the end she told you she loved you."
"It wasn't enough. I wasn't enough."
"It's not all black and white, you know that. I'm sure she hung on as much as she could. But in the end you can't fight the alien that got inside her. It's just too strong. The fact that she stayed with you for so long shows her love for you. Her dedication for you. So please, don't ever think you're not worth it."
As Ianto broke down on his chest, Jack stroke his hair and caressed him.
"I'm sorry, I just can't stop …" Ianto silently sobbed.
"It's fine. No need to apologize for feeling like crap. If there's anyone who deserves to cry their hearts out, it's you. Let it go, Sweetheart. As long as you want and as long as you can. I'll hold you tight, as long as you want and need me to. The fight is over and now it's time to focus on you."
As Jack's body provided a warm and helping shelter for Ianto, Jack could not help but smile. His Ianto was trusting him with his deepest and most scary secrets and emotions. He felt privileged that he was the one person he'd turn to in his hour of need. With a sad frown he realized that maybe, just maybe, Ianto really didn't have anyone else but him.
Jack blinked away the tears that were threatening to fall. "You've done so much for us even though you were in such a difficult position. Let us help you now. Just cry boy, as long as you need to. I'll be here."
"Jack? Sir?"
"yeah."
"Could you tell me a story? One of the stories about aliens and other universes? Maybe the one about the planet made of ice?"
"Of course I can. Just close your eyes and listen to me. This one time I met this man called the doctor. He was a real strange man … wonderfully strange …"
As Jack spoke, he felt Ianto relax in his arms. He looked down and saw Ianto's eyes gently fluttering shut. He wasn't a religious man by far but for one little moment, he prayed that some thing would come along that was strong enough that Ianto realized that the world isn't all that bad.
Little did he know that he would be the one thing that kept Ianto Jones fighting. His constant support and guidance were just the thing that gave Ianto strength to pick himself off the floor and start living again. Maybe even one day, he'll start dreaming again.