Chapter 13:
I know you care.
A/N
O.M.G... Big-fat sorry for everyone having to wait. I (Mogitz) went to Vegas for a few days and got engaged and Enula's son's birthday was this week so she's been busy and our schedules could just NOT come together... Until now. xoxo
"It's never goodbye."
Sam stared at the dark ceiling, the wine and those words still spinning in her head - round and round and round again. Loud. Taunting. She groaned, pulling her pillow over her face, wishing she could smother herself.
She just wanted it to stop; she didn't want to feel this way anymore. There was nothing worse than loving someone who's broken, she'd decided. Because she could see the light through his cracks, the person she knew he was deep down inside, but he let the darkness in. She knew what Josh was capable of - more than she cared to remember.
Sam held back a shudder as she turned to her side. It was almost dawn, and she'd barely slept at all. Luckily, she had one more day of leave before she had to pull herself together and get back to her life. She'd been so torn up over this Elliot/Josh situation that it had all but consumed her entire being for the last-
Wait…
how long had it been now? A month and a half?
It felt so long ago that he first stepped into her office and destroyed everything she'd believed to be true for the last nine years and then... everything seemed to have happened all at once.
The room was beginning to lighten with dawn's first break, Sam alone in the blueblack cold of her barely unpacked bedroom. She decided when she realized that sleep would never overtake her that maybe she should just get up. She wondered if Josh was awake. She wondered if he was thinking about her.
Sam shook away useless thoughts (because what good did wondering such a thing do for her besides make her heart ache in her chest?) as she walked to her kitchen, reminded instantly of the night before, her photographs still scattered across the kitchen tiles. Cee-Cee had taken up refuge across the top of a loose pile of photos, so Sam leaned down and gently lifted the cat from the precious memories. Cee-Cee struggled to free herself from Sam's grasp and scurried off towards the bedroom while Sam got down on the floor and began to collect the pictures.
There were so many faces staring back at her. She wondered what the rest of them would think if they knew that Josh was still alive. They'd all grown and changed so much - they weren't even the same people anymore.
Giving up on the mess of pictures, Sam yawned, stepped over the mess and switched on her coffee maker - Heavy thoughts such as these were hard to comprehend without coffee. She eagerly awaited her liquid sunshine, especially since the view outside today was foggy and bleak for a change. She found herself smiling a bit; LA didn't see days like these very often, days that made her feel overcome with nostalgia. The fog and the rain reminded her of the pacific northwest… which, of course, made her think about the lodge. Once again she pushed away the memories, knowing that if she let her mind linger too long she would fall back down the rabbithole, remembering another moment in their past that she couldn't erase, but she couldn't bear to remember right now.
Suddenly, Sam almost jumped out of her skin to the sound of hard, intimidating knocks on her front door. She tried not to be fearful in situations like these, but it was hard not to, especially now that she was a single woman, living alone near a big city. She swallowed the lump in her throat and eyed the clock on her oven; 7:48 am. Far too early for it to be a neighbor just dropping by to say hello.
She quietly walked towards the front door, startled once more when a loud, booming voice permeated through the door.
"Samantha Jensen?" it said. Another few knocks. She peeked through the peephole; two men. One was in an LAPD officer's uniform, the other in casual dress. "This is a welfare check."
"Who are you?" she spoke through the door at them.
"LAPD. We tried to come over yesterday but you weren't home-" he began to explain.
"Hold up your badges, please," she interrupted. The men exchanged looks before they each obliged.
"We just have a few questions for you," the casual-dressed man assured, his voice softer now. Reassuring. Sam slowly unlocked the deadbolt, opening the door slowly. Once she got a better look at them, she felt a little more at ease. The uniformed man was black with a kind face. He tipped his hat at her. The other was an older man; probably a grandfather. "May we come in?" he asked. Sam wordlessly nodded, stepping to the side.
Sam felt nervous as they examined her apartment - although she had no idea what they were looking for. Their eyes then fell to the floor, her mess of pictures only partially cleaned up, "Just move in?" the older man asked. Sam dropped to her knees, scooping up the photos and shoving them in the shoe box.
"I'm sorry," she huffed, slightly breathless. "Who are you?"
The older man stepped forward, reaching his hand down to shake hers and help her up at the same time, "I'm detective Sommers with the LAPD. This is officer Smalls. We are just here to check on you. Someone reported that they feared you might be in danger."
Liam.
Sam felt her stomach bubble deep down, her heart speeding up. She didn't dare let her discomfort show on her face as she offered them a kind, tightlipped smile, "Coffee?"
They declined and the three of them went towards the dining room, Sam stopping off to pour herself a mug, anyhow. She tried to steady the mug in her shaking hands as she joined them, trying not to give away her nervousness. Feigning a sense of confidence, she took a seat across from them at her mahogany, dining room table.
"So… what brings you gentlemen here?" she asked with a forced smile. She pulled her tanktop strap back onto her shoulder, adjusting herself in her seat. She knew why they were there. And she was terrified.
The men shared a look before Sommers spoke (she was noticing quickly that Smalls was a man of very little words). "We are here to ask you a few questions about one of your patients-"
Sam's eyes flickered from man to man, and she could feel her smile depleting.
"Well, I'm sure you two are familiar with doctor/patient confidentiality," she said, her voice raspy and low, "but I'll try to help you in any way I can." Another smile. If Josh could see her, he would call her out for it being one of her 'faux' smiles, as he called them. He could always tell when she wasn't being genuine.
"The patient in question is Mr. Elliot Roth. Have you seen him lately?" Sam cleared her throat, reaching down and taking a sip of scalding hot coffee; it burned her tongue but she pretended it hadn't. She needed the time to think.
"Well," she sighed, setting the mug down, "I took a few weeks off recently… for personal reasons. In the meantime, I referred Elliot to Dr. Robert Stedson. I hear he's doing quite well in my absence."
"When was the last time you saw Mr. Roth?" Sam tried not to picture the look in Josh's eyes when she left him in his apartment that night.
"Oh, gosh…" Sam said, blowing her bangs from her eyes as she stared at the ceiling, trying to come up with an answer. She didn't want to lie, but she also couldn't very well tell them the truth. "I'd say around two weeks?" Two weeks, three days, eighteen hours. "Right before I took my leave."
"Has Mr. Roth ever given you any indication that he might be….dangerous?"
Involuntarily, Josh flashed across Sam's mind. Masked. Menacing. Nearing her.
"I am going to give you ten seconds…nine…"
Sam tried to keep her voice even as she said, "I believe Elliot Roth is a bit disturbed, as most psychologist's patients are-"
"But, do you believe him to be dangerous? To himself? To others?"
"Eight...seven…"
"No," Sam choked, trying to sound convincing. Her eyes met with the uniformed man, Smalls; she felt more at ease under his kind gaze. "No, I don't think so. Especially not since he started taking his medication." Sommers adjusted in his chair, folding his arms over his chest. "Is he in some kind of trouble, officers?" Sam asked, her eyes wide in faked innocence.
"I'm going to be frank with you here. We have received some pretty hefty accusations about your patient, Dr. Jensen. We just need to clear a few things through you. We need you to be completely honest." Sam nodded obediently. "Do you happen to know where your patient was the from November 19th to the 20th?" Sam felt her cheeks flush as she remembered the date on the video. The break-up with Liam. The days following their visit to Chris and Ashley's…
"He was with me," she blurted before she could stop herself. The officers exchanged glances once more and Sam wished she could read minds. "I um… I'd been trying some more unorthodox methods of psychoanalysis and we spent those days doing extensive therapy sessions."
"So… he was with you the whole time," Sommers recited flatly. Sam nodded.
"Well, he went home to sleep of course," she snorted but sobered quickly. "It's in my log at work," she lied, "I can show it to you." She'd just run to the office before them and change it. No problem. She could do this.
Sommers sighed, leaning in on the table, looking like he was getting down to business. Sam squirmed in her chair, almost fearing she needed to slip her hands under her thighs to keep them from shaking. Sommers lowered his voice, as though he were letting her in on some kind of secret.
"Dr. Jensen, your former fiance is claiming that your patient might have abducted and tormented him over those dates… He also claims that you have been carrying on a borderline inappropriate relationship with your patient. We just to make sure that you aren't threatened by Mr. Roth in any-"
"I'm fine," Sam snapped.
"Because we are here to help you if you need-"
"I said, I'm fine," Sam repeated, and she suddenly felt 19 again, talking about Josh on the mountain.
I thought we were close. After his sisters disappeared he'd come talk to me. He said I was the only one who understood him.
"Look," Sam said, sitting up straight, "I left Liam on November 18th, and it was quite a shock to him. He was an absolute wreck. When he gets like that he… drinks a lot. Gets things mixed up. He was insanely jealous of the time I had to spend with Elliot during our sessions, as Elliot isn't just suffering from acute schizophrenia, but also memory retention from a traumatic experience in his past. I think…" she paused, realizing the light she was painting Liam in; realizing how she was once again protecting Josh… but she couldn't let him go to jail. He was HER responsibility during that time and SHE had failed him.
Just like she'd failed him when she left him with Mike in those mines.
"In my professional opinion based on seeing Liam's state yesterday, I think Liam is having a mental break and I would take very little of what he says seriously."
"And what state was he in?" Sommers pressed.
"Well, I stopped at his house to get some of my last belongings and he was… incoherent, almost. I left in a hurry because he had a gun, he was carrying it around in his hand and talking nonsense…"
"We did notice he was a little… disheveled when we got there," Sommers nodded, running his hand over his mouth.
"We have witnesses saying that his house was empty those dates that Liam claims he was abducted," Smalls finally spoke, and Sam was surprised at how smooth and relaxing his voice was. She gave a smile and a shrug.
"Yeah… well… I left Liam because he liked to go off the grid a lot," she confessed, "and usually it was with another woman, so… maybe he was with one of his girlfriends."
The men looked convinced - not only convinced, but sympathetic. One of the very best parts of being able to delve into the human psyche was her ability to manipulate it as well.
"Well, I think that's all we needed to hear," Sommers said, standing and adjusting his belt. "Thank you for your time, ma'am, sorry to have bothered you," he smiled politely, the two men walking towards the door. He turned to Sam before he left.
"Just so we're clear… You don't feel like you're in any danger in regards to your patient?"
"Sam… Sa-aam." she could still hear his voice taunting in the back of her head. But she gave another thin smile.
"Not at all."
"C'mon... pick up your phone!" Sam grumbled into the receiver after the millionth time she had tried calling Josh to warn him about the visit she'd just had. She was not at all surprised to find that Elliot seemed to be just as horrible with his phone as Josh was. "Damnit," she hissed under her breath, ripping the phone down from her head and tossing it on passenger seat next to her. Obviously it was a useless gesture, and she was nearly to his apartment anyhow.
Sam wondered if there would ever be a situation in Josh's life in which she wouldn't choose (time and time again) to rescue him. Wasn't it supposed to be the other way around? Wasn't he supposed to be the one who saved her?
Against her will, Sam felt her lips turn up into a smile when she really thought about it and realized that in a way, he did. Josh saved her from a lifetime of regret from marrying Liam. He saved her from mediocrity and… so much more.
Even still, leave it to Sam to be there to clean up his mess.
She haphazardly rolled up and threw on her warning lights, parking against a yellow curb but not caring enough to take the time to find a reasonable parking space - she needed to get to Josh's apartment now, and doing that seemed worth the parking ticket.
She worried she wasn't going to be buzzed inside, but luckily an older man was on his way out while she neared, and he was kind enough to hold the door for her.
"Thanks," she mumbled as she swiftly brushed by him, trying for the life of her to remember exactly where his apartment was, since the last time she had been here she was pretty intoxicated.
As she passed each door, she couldn't help but remember the one and only time during Josh's short duration at college that she'd actually come to visit him - all those apartment doors passing by as she and Hannah tried to find his.
It was a surprise; Hannah was going to check out the campus because she was interested in enrolling in the fall (as was Sam, at this point, although she continued to deny vehemently that her decision had anything to do with Josh. Beth and Hannah just rolled their eyes and smiled).
"So, come with me then! I'm going next weekend. And I overheard Emily saying that Mike was thinking about transferring there…" She paused as she gauged Sam's look of disapproval before she added, "and it's the best college within 300 miles for me to get my fine arts degree-"
"You still wanna be a curator?" Sam asked, her eyebrow raised.
"This week," Beth snorted, turning the page of her magazine. Hannah's major changed with her mood. Last month it was a vet. Sam deduced that her future plans continually changed since her lifetime dream of being married to Prince William (Or Harry, she wasn't picky) was thrashed into a million pieces in 2011 when he married Kate Middleton. Since she didn't know of any other princes, she had no idea what she was going to do, but being a princess was clearly out of the question.
"Well, I'm leaving next Saturday morning, so you'll either come with me, or not. But I'm sure Josh would be pretty excited to see you…" Hannah tempted, her voice singsong like a Siren. Sam smiled to herself; she hadn't seen him since Christmas. The memory of that time left a warm, fluttery feeling in Sam's belly and she couldn't wait to get the chance to see him again. It was mid January now and it felt like forever since Christmas break, even though very little time had passed at all.
Josh had been pretty good at keeping in contact, but he was struggling with other things. Whenever Sam caught him on the phone he was distracted, stressed, frustrated. "What does biochemistry have to do with psychology, anyway?" he would groan. She hated that she couldn't be there to try to make him feel better, but college was proving difficult for the eldest Washington sibling.
Sam definitely wanted to visit though; she had been over last weekend, visiting Hannah and Beth (as she usually did), but when she went downstairs to pop some popcorn before their cheesy, romantic movie-fest they were geared up for, she'd overheard Melinda on the telephone in the dining room.
Sam grabbed the package, unwrapping it and placing it in the microwave, trying to listen over the sounds of the pop-pop-popping. Normally, Sam wasn't one to eavesdrop, but her ears had already perked at the mention of Josh.
"I just.. I think maybe he'd be better if he just came home and took some classes at the community college," she'd overheard Melinda say to some unknown recipient on the other end of her phone. "I know… it's just, I think it would be better if he were closer to home. Josh has… always been an unusual boy. His compass hasn't always pointed due north. We never know when he will have another episode...I worry about him most…"
Of course, Sam didn't believe these things. Yes, Melinda was Josh's mother. No one knew him like her. But… no one knew and loved him like she did, either. Sam knew Josh had his problems; didn't everyone? But Sam also knew that Melinda had to trust him to figure himself out, to take responsibility for himself, otherwise he would never grow.
So, when Saturday rolled around, Sam was at Hannah's car with an overnight bag.
"I… wasn't sure how long we were planning on staying," she said, sheepishly pointing towards the embarrassingly pink duffle bag - her mom had gotten it for her during the one month Sam thought she wanted to play volleyball, which proved to be just too time-consuming.
"I guess we'll just see where the night takes us," Hannah said, hoisting Sam's bag into the trunk.
They drove the three hours, Hannah only stopping off to call Josh once for final directions. She decided not to tell Josh that Sam was coming, too, figuring that if Sam wanted him to know she would have told her himself.
When he opened the door, Sam was certain she'd never seen his (normally half-lidded and tired) eyes so big. Josh chuffed out a laugh, mouth spreading in a stupid smile.
"You didn't tell me you brought a stowaway," he teased, unable to hide the fact that he was simply overjoyed to see Sam tagged along.
"Yeah, well… they have a pretty good conservation program here, I hear…" Sam shrugged, her own smile growing as well. Josh bypassed his sister altogether to pull Sam in for an embrace, followed up with a kiss. Sam blushed, realizing instantly that was the first time he'd so openly done such a thing in front of… well, anyone.
"Gross," Hannah mumbled. "But also romantic, guys," she sighed in admission. "We aren't standing out in this hallway all day, though, dweeb," she said, shoving past the barricade of Sam and Josh's bodies standing in the doorway. She turned, walking backwards into the apartment before pointing at them, "and just gonna say, I called it. Emily owes me fifty bucks…"
"Wait, was there a bet? What was it?" Sam frowned.
"Whether or not you guys would still be messing around after New Years," she shrugged, instantly pulling open Josh's fridge, searching for some kind of sustenance.
"Emily bet against us?" Josh called out over his shoulder, although he hardly cared as Hannah went on to explain the bet that she and Emily had waged. "Hi," he said quietly, Sam still held securely in his arms. "Fancy meeting you here…"
"Oh, I was just in the neighborhood," Sam joked, and she was rewarded with another kiss.
"Okay, noooo! That's not why we are here!" Hannah interjected, stomping over towards the couple and grabbing Sam's arm, dragging her farther into the apartment. "You guys will have plenty of time for your weird, twisted… whatever this is." Hannah, of course, was only saying these things in jest. She didn't have a mean bone in her body. "We have lots to do and very little time." They did, of course. A campus tour, a meeting with an admissions counselor, all of the reasons they had actually come. It wasn't until after all that stuff, when Hannah was snuggled up on Josh's couch watching The Bachelor, that Sam and Josh could finally slip away to the privacy of his bedroom.
"I thought you had roommates…?" Sam expressed as she plopped down onto his bed. She glanced around his room; it was like a generic knock-off of his one at home. Josh was, indeed, a creature of habit.
"Yeah… I uh.. I kicked them out."
"Awww, their clothes mountains got too high to climb?" Sam mocked in a whine. Josh smirked with a chuckle.
"Something like that. But...you don't need roommates when you're a Washington, anyway," he said huskily, plopping down next to her. There wasn't another moment between them before they began to take full advantage of the privacy, but Sam couldn't stop thinking about what she'd overheard Melinda saying over the phone. Even as Josh dipped her down on the bed, his hand creeping steadily up her shirt and his lips tracing her neck, Sam was distracted. She closed her eyes and turned her head a bit to give him more access, trying to clear her mind and just be here in the moment; with him away at college and six more months of high school til summer, moments like this for Josh and Sam were going to be far and few between.
Sam opened her eyes, and the first thing she noticed was his prescription pill bottle on his nightstand. It was mostly full - little white pills that kept him as the Josh she adored. She couldn't help but notice that the bottle was pretty full… and the refill date was less than a week away. Her heart fell to her stomach as she realized that he wasn't taking his meds again… at least not regularly.
"Josh," Sam began, and he hummed acknowledgement into her neck. "You doin' okay?" His head popped up, his expression a bit puzzled.
"Um… I'd say so," he said, pulling her a little bit closer to him. He read her face though and realized she wasn't talking about just this moment. "What is it, Sam," he said, and Sam hated that tone - as though she were nagging him or beating a dead horse - 'what is it now?' . She gave an insecure shrug, suddenly wishing she'd just kept her mouth shut and not ruined the moment.
"Just… I don't know. Something I overheard your mom say-"
"What," Josh snapped, and Sam felt her brows furrow at the harshness in his voice. "What did she say?" Now Sam was definitely regretting bringing it up. She tried to backpedal, but Josh was already sitting up at the end of his bed, his hand exasperatedly running through his hair. Sam sat up quickly, her hand finding his back comfortingly as she leaned into him.
"Josh, really, it's nothing. I just wanted to make sure you weren't under too much pressure out here," she explained. Josh snorted, rolling his eyes.
"College is hard, Sam! Everyone knows that. Pressure is just part of the experience. Normal kids survive it every year." He wasn't wrong. But he also wasn't just a normal kid. Especially when he couldn't take care of himself.
"I just worry-"
"Well, stop worrying about me, Sam! Stop mothering me. Stop making sure I-I'm taking my pills o-or eating my vegetables and brushing my teeth." Sam cringed at the exaggerated examples; she'd never meant to make him feel this way.
"I-" she choked out "I'm sorry…" She'd never really ever made Josh upset at her. And all she was trying to do was help him… She felt deep down in her core that it was her job to save him.
Sam saw Josh's eyes flicker with recognition and then soften, "No, I'm sorry," he sighed, bringing her under his arm and pulling her close to his side. Sam wrapped her own arms around his waist and they didn't really say much more. She felt him press a kiss into her hair.
Sam hated that this was the last time she and Josh would spend together before the night the twins disappeared, before everything changed. "I'm tired," he suddenly said. Sam quietly nodded and they ended up just crawling into his bed and snuggling up close to each other. Sam didn't sleep, and she was fairly certain that he didn't either. She wanted to say something, anything to him to let him know that this overbearing feeling she had over him came from a place of love.
But she didn't.
She figured she would tell him everything she wanted to say, all the years she loved him and how much he meant to her at the annual winter getaway. It was only two weeks away, and it was going to be perfect.
In the present, Sam was almost completely certain she'd found his door. Without second guessing herself (since, really, there was no time for that now), she started banging on the door.
"Elliot?" she called out. The urge to use his real name was practically unbearable at this point. She reached up and banged again. "Elliot, open up! It's important!" Sam felt her breath stolen from her when the door swung open, and there he was. It felt like it had been forever, and if she were a weaker person, she might have embraced him immediately, but she knew she couldn't. His eyes were wide, flickering with excitement. She didn't have time for that, either.
"Hi," he said, short and breathless. He seemed to be just as frozen as she was. She narrowed her eyes, pushing past him. "Oh. Come on in," he said to her back, swinging the door shut behind them. "Sam, you have no idea how sorry I am and how glad I am that you're-" he paused as Sam hurried over towards his computer, beginning to pull at various cords and hardware. "Hey! Wha, whoa whoa, what are you doing!?" Josh exclaimed, shooting over towards her to intervene. Sam swung around, her finger in his face.
"You are about to get us both in a lot of trouble," she said through gritted teeth. "So help me," she commanded. Josh scratched the back of his neck, watching her in confusion.
"What am I helping you with here, exactly? Other than destroying thousands of dollars worth of equipment…" Sam shot him a quick glare before she ripped a cord straight from… well, whatever it was, it seemed important. Especially when she saw his eyes widen.
"I had two of LA's finest at my house today," Sam shared. "They were there to ask me some questions about…"
"Me," he guessed quietly.
"And me. But yeah, mostly you. I guess that little game you played with Liam left quite an impression. He filed a police report claiming that you kidnapped him," Sam shook her head at the end of her sentence, hating that she even had to say that out loud - worse that she knew it was true. "He also said you were a threat to me and that I was in danger being around you," she added, but she probably didn't need to. What she'd said first was bad enough.
"And… what did you tell them?" Josh asked meekly. Sam stopped tugging at wires and took in a deep breath. She glanced over at him, and his pathetic but adorable face made her chuckle, despite herself. He looked so… terrified. It was just so Josh to do something awful, something without thinking of the consequences, and then hating himself for it later. Then, she started to remember what she needed to tell him, but it seemed so hard to say.
"I… um…" she stammered, and now she was frustrated with herself for wasting valuable time. There was no way those police officers weren't still going to come over to Josh's to ask him some questions and take a look around his apartment. When it would happen was real question. "I told them that you weren't a danger...to me or anyone," she said, her voice low. She saw his lips twitch into almost a smile. She tried in vain not to mirror him, but she could feel her own lips curving as well. She broke their eye contact and looked down at her hands as she fidgeted with her fingers a bit, nervously. "I also told them… that you were with me the whole time." His eyes widened and brightened and she hated the way he looked so damn happy.
"You gave me an alibi?" he said quietly, amusedly. "Samantha Jensen, you naughty girl!" he teased, far too giddy with the news that she might have just saved his life. No, she certainly did.
"Okay, no. Do not call me that. Boundaries, Elliot. And we need to focus here," she instructed, and she was so relieved to see the clearness in his eyes, the presence. She could tell just by looking at him that he was taking his medication as instructed. "We need to find that video…"
"Video," he repeated, thinking.
"The incriminating video of you torturing my ex fiance," Sam almost yelled, as if there were any other tape she could be referring to… and then she shuddered at the thought, "and any other possible home movies you might have of you torturing other people as well," she added flatly.
"Nope, just the one!" Josh said, almost as though he were proud. He bounded off to his room before coming back with a USB. He rolled it around in his fingers like a baton, then nudged it towards Sam. "I destroyed all the other copies after you left…" he promised.
"And you are positive that this is the only incriminating item you have here? No voice boxes, no ropes, no clown masks-" she caught herself at the end, clearing her throat.
"Are you crazy?" Josh snorted, walking past her to peer out the window and check to see if there were any police outside. He turned back towards her, "I keep all that stuff in a storage in Englewood. I would never keep it here. That's amatuer hour, Sammy." Sam blinked a few times - she had no idea if he was joking. Whatever. She had to hurry. The police showing up and her being there would only be even more suspicious. She dropped the USB on the ground and stomped on it, hearing it crunch under her shoe. She reached down and grabbed the pieces, shoving them in the pocket of her jeans.
"Listen," she said, nearing him, a little calmer now. He gazed down at her and she suddenly felt like that eighteen year old girl, staring up at the boy she was in love with. It was so damn hard not to see him like that, no matter how hard she tried. She reached up and placed and hand on each of his shoulders, giving him a gentle shake. "If the police come here… you were with me on November 19th and 20th. We were having extensive therapy sessions in regards to helping you regain your memories...You don't have to be detailed about it… just describe a normal day in your life and don't look as insane as Liam did and you'll be fine," she paused before correcting herself, "we'll be fine."
Josh smiled down at her, "You still care about me," he said. It almost sounded like a tease, but Sam ignored that.
"I care about all my patients. And I care about not getting my license revoked or thrown in jail for lying to police officers for you." Josh's gaze and smirk were unwavering. Sam felt her cheeks grow warm - why did he have to look at her like that? "And… I care about you," she admitted. She felt Josh's hands wrap around her waist as he practically stole a hug from her. Her hands were still on his shoulders and she knew very well she could push him away. Instead, she closed her eyes and wrapped her arms around his neck. It felt good to be wrapped up in him, but more than any romantic feelings she had for Josh, it felt good to hug her best friend. The space she'd taken had been necessary, but she had spent every moment of that time missing him. And she knew he felt the same way about her.
Finally, because if she didn't she never would, Sam let go of him and took a step back, feeling a little dizzy and drunk off of him. She took one more glance around his apartment, making sure she'd covered the tracks. She pointed towards the mess under his computer desk from her tearing into the wires before, "Sorry about the, uh…" she didn't finish her sentence. It didn't matter. "I need to go. Just… take care of yourself," she said, tucking her loose hair behind her ear. She lowered her eyes and began walking towards his door, because for some reason this apartment had some kind of vortex that pulled them together each time they were in it.
"Sam, er… Dr. Jensen," he said, and Sam halted. "Um… I'd… I would really, really like to come back to my sessions with you…" Sam didn't look at him, her hand on his door knob. She bit her tongue, squeezing her eyes shut as she fought what was dying to come out of her mouth.
"You can start tomorrow," escaped her lips, anyway, although she already knew that it would. She pushed forward, hearing him utter a thank you as she pulled the door closed behind her.
Sam walked into her office for the first time in two and a half weeks, yet it felt like almost no time had passed at all. Bryana looked up from behind the front desk, a huge smile brightening up her face.
"Welcome back, Dr. Jensen!" she greeted warmly.
"Thank you, Bryana," Sam said, dropping her large bags from her shoulders down to the crooks of her elbows, "And thank you for keeping everything under control while I was gone."
"No problem at all. Almost all your patients have been asking about you—they all told me to tell you that they hope you're well and can't wait to see you again."
Sam's heart warmed upon knowing that so many of her clients liked her enough to be concerned, and didn't deem her absence as an inconvenience to them, "It's good to be back. And I have an eight AM appointment with Elliot, yes?"
Bryana nodded, "He actually came in already, but then said he was going to grab a cup of tea from the place down the street. He should be back in a few minutes."
Sam smiled when she knew Josh was getting the tea for her. She didn't doubt that he was going to try to do whatever small thing he could to let her know how sorry he was.
It made her remember a time when she was fourteen years old; she was staying the night at the Washington house, though she mostly kept with Hannah and Beth that night since Josh had Chris over. Hannah had ended up caking Sam in heavy make-up, saying that Sam just had the best skin for it.
"She won't have good skin once all that make-up gets in her pores," Beth deadpanned, and Sam could just see the look of shock on Beth's face when Hannah was all done. To put it simply, Hannah made her look like an over the top drag queen clown that had a bit too much to drink.
"Hannah…couldn't you have at least made me look cute?" Sam asked, staring at her reflection in disgust.
"You look super cute when you're au naturale," Beth complimented.
Sam smiled, "Thanks, Beth…at least someone thinks so."
"Who doesn't think so?" Beth asked, "I'll kick their ass for you."
"Hannah, apparently." Sam joked, but kept a straight face.
"Aw…c'mon, you guys. So I went a little overboard. It's nothing Lady Gaga wouldn't do."
Sam laughed, "That just might be the point, Hann. I think I'm gonna take a quick shower—that might be the best way to scrub these ten layers off."
Sam left Hannah's room hearing the twins arguing about something. She went down the hall to the shower, hoping Josh wouldn't see her looking like this. She hadn't heard or seen Josh all evening though, so she assumed him and Chris were in the game room playing a videogame.
Sam got in the shower and scrubbed her face hard, somehow feeling three inches of makeup coming off. She used the bottles of soap and shampoo and conditioner she knew were Hannah's and it wasn't until she was almost done that she realized that there was an odd smell of vinegar in the air. She looked at her skin and saw that she was a weird mixture of blue, green, and purple.
"JOSH!" She screamed before she could even stop herself. She knew instantly that Josh had filled the bottles with vinegar and dye—she smelled exactly like a huge Easter egg.
She turned off the shower and threw on her pajama bottoms and top without even drying herself off. As soon as she stepped out of the bathroom, she was face to face with Hannah, Beth, Josh, and Chris. Hannah and Beth looked shocked at all the colors on Sam's skin and in her hair, but Chris and Josh were trying to hide back their laughter, which didn't last too long.
"What did you do?!" Sam yelled, feeling really heated that Josh's little prank was literally tainted all over her.
"It was meant for Hannah, I swear!" Josh said between laughs, but he could hardly look at her without losing it.
"Hey!" Hannah yelled angrily, "You seriously wasted all my soap?"
Sam groaned, "Besides the point! This wouldn't have showed up in your hair—but mine is—."
She stopped with Josh and Chris continued to laugh. She wanted to be able to laugh at it too, but she could feel the embarrassment going through her, "You better hope this comes out before school on Monday!"
"I think baking soda and vinegar will get most of it off…" Beth offered before heading downstairs to get the ingredients.
Sam shot Josh a look before going back into the bathroom to wait for Beth. Then with the help of the twins, Sam was able to get most of her skin looking normal again, though her hair certainly had better days.
The three girls ended up in the entertainment room to watch some movies and eat popcorn. They each sat on different couches and Sam knew part of it was because she smelled like a walking bottle of vinegar. Eventually, Josh and Chris joined them and Sam felt her body temperature rise when Josh sat down so close to her that they were almost touching.
They didn't say anything for a good ten minutes, but then Sam felt him place something on her lap. She looked down to see a clear gift bag with a hand-tied red ribbon, dark chocolate nonpareils inside. He placed a yellow sticky note on the front and written in his sloppy handwriting was "Sorry I turned you into an Easter egg. PS. I made sure the chocolate was safe for vegans."
She looked slightly over at him, and she was glad the room was dark save for the glow of the TV and that everyone else was focused on the movie.
"Let's talk about how big of a jerk I am," he said lowly so only she could hear, "I mean…wow, what the fuck, Josh-right?"
Her lips tugged up into a small smile as she clenched the bag of chocolates in her hand, "You're such a jerk."
She knew he could tell that was her way of telling him that she forgave him and that, yes, his prank was kinda funny.
"And for the record…" he started, his eyes now completely on the screen so he wouldn't have to look her in the eyes, "you're the prettiest Easter egg I ever made."
In the present, Sam looked up from her desk when she heard a small knock on her door. She smiled when Josh slipped in, closing the door before walking over to her and handing her a large cup of tea.
"For you."
"And here I thought I'd have to go without the extra boost today," she teased as she took the tea from him and took a sip of the hot liquid, "Thank you, Elliot."
He nodded and sat down on the couch, his hands feeling the cushions beside him, "It's so good to be back in your office…it feels like I haven't seen you in forever."
She tried to keep her face neutral when she said, "You saw me yesterday."
"Well…yeah, but…" he paused, seemed to think hard about something, then smirked, "By the way—good call on stopping by to get rid of that video…the cops showed up at my place almost right after you left."
Sam felt her heart drop at the thought. If the cops had arrived at his apartment while she was there, so many bad things could have come of it. They would know that she was involved with him somehow if she was at his place; they would know she was there to warn him about them since they were just at her place; and if she was there to warn him, then he obviously had something to hide…which in turn would make it obvious that she knew about it as well and straight up lied to the police.
Josh laughed, "It was great because it really made them think Liam was insane. The one cop said—."
"Elliot, that's not funny," Sam stopped him with irritation in her voice, "You know that he's not insane and you could have seriously gotten yourself in trouble."
His smile faltered, but he continued to try to make light of the situation, "Yeah, but you totally saved me when—."
"I did save you, only because I knew that if you were caught, you'd end up right back where you started…! Do you really want to go back to another hospital, Elliot? Because that's what would have happened and I cannot take being separated for years from you again!" Sam held her breath when she was done. She had no idea why she said all that…it was a mistake. But Josh just looked so proud for having gotten away with his prank that it took her back to nearly ten years ago when she lost him because of something that should have been nothing more than stupid prank.
And she could tell that Josh was confused at her words, but also felt ashamed. The smug look on his face quickly washed away to one of guilt and she thought—maybe some tough love was what he needed.
"I'm sorry, I—," he searched for more right words, and Sam watched as his eyes scanned across the room before settling on her again, "I'm sorry."
"Good; I'm glad," she said with complete sincerity and she took a delighted sip of her tea, and she knew he knew that was her way of saying that he was forgiven, "Now how about we try our best to move on from all of that, okay? Do you have anything particular you'd like to talk about today?"
"Um…" he stared down at his hands that were now in his lap. A long moment and then: "Remember when I asked you about hypnosis?"
She crossed her legs and nodded, "I do…is this something you're still interested in?"
"Kinda…I mean…yeah, I think," he admitted, looking up at her, "It's not gonna—trap me inside myself though, right? I won't start—seeing things flying around that aren't really there?"
She smiled softly, "You watch too many horror movies."
He chuckled, "There's no such thing."
Sam leaned back in her chair, interlacing her fingers in her lap, "No, you won't get trapped inside yourself. And you can't be made to do or say anything you don't want to—you retain power over your ability to act upon suggestions. Your senses will actually become enhanced, rather than reduced."
"I love it when you talk all technical," he teased with a small grin.
It took everything in her to not return the grin, "Elliot—I want you to know that there's no guarantee that hypnosis will even work. Memory is selective and malleable. You may be able to recall some events from your past that you are consciously unaware of but there is no guarantee that the recall will be accurate."
"Well…what have I got to lose then, right?" He said optimistically, but Sam could see the disappointment in his eyes, "I would just…really like to know if there was something specific that made me—like this."
Sam's eyebrows furrowed at his honesty, "Sometimes our mind blocks out certain events because it makes it easier to live not knowing…"
"Yeah, but mine blocked out all events from before I was in that hospital. Was my whole life that horrible?"
Sam wished there was some sort of visor she could magically lift from his eyes to show him that, no, his whole life wasn't horrible. In fact, he had a great life before: Great friends, perfect sisters, a wonderful (if not a bit whacked) sense of humor…her.
"We'll try past-life regression," she said, standing up from her chair and flicking on her dull desk lamp before turning off the ceiling lights. "You can lie down," she told him as she got her pendulum from her bottom drawer. She set it on her desk, flicking the hand to make it swing, "Let's just listen to the sound of the ticking for a moment."
Josh laid down on the couch, his head propped up by the soft arm. He closed his eyes and rested his hands over his stomach. Sam wheeled her chair over to the couch so she was close to him. And then they became silent. Her own mind focused on the swing of the pendulum and the gentle rise and fall of Josh's chest. His heart was still beating, there was air in his lungs—Josh was alive and she knew he was still somewhere in there. She didn't believe she could make him necessarily remember by doing this, but maybe it could help him recall a specific memory that will eventually trigger more.
"I can feel you staring at me," he said lowly and with eyes still closed.
"I'm just making sure you're relaxed," she told him, "Are you uncomfortable?"
He shook his head slightly, "No, I like—I'm fine."
She smiled when she caught that he was going to say 'I like you staring' but changed his mind. It showed that he was serious about this.
Sam waited a few more minutes of relaxation to the sound of the pendulum. The young girl in her wanted to ask so many question right off the bat—what went through your mind when you tortured Liam? When you tortured me? But the doctor in her knew that wasn't practical. She began speaking softly: "You told me before about a reoccurring dream. A monster drops you into a mine and you see two girls. Do you still have that dream?"
"Yes," he said simply, quickly.
"Has anything else happened in the dream recently that you can remember?"
"Yes."
"Like what?"
"You're there," he said, and Sam tried to make her heart remain steady, "You're there with me, and you tell me you're there to help."
"And do I?"
He licked his lips slowly, as if he wasn't sure he wanted to admit to the next part, "No…I watch you climb out of the mines and I'm left alone again."
Sam held her breath, the ticking in the background somehow seeming louder. He was definitely having a dream of the last time they saw each other. About the very moment she regretted most out of everything in her life. She blamed herself for his death for years because of that decision she made to leave him in the mines. But she didn't know that that was the last time she'd ever see him, and that his death would happen in less than ten minutes.
"Do you think you've been let down in your life before?" She finally asked.
"Yes…"
"By who?"
"My…my doctors. My family. Myself—."
"Me?" she asked, unable to stop herself.
"No."
"But you said I left you in the mines."
"But I deserved it. I hurt you," his eyebrows narrowed, his calm face now looking strained.
"How did you hurt me?"
"You trusted me…" Josh trailed off, looking uncertain, and she knew she had to double back.
"How did your family let you down?"
He was silent for a long moment, his breathing becoming a bit faster, "I remember hearing the doctors talking about how my parents signed the final papers. They were there to sign papers but didn't see me."
Sam's heart shattered when she remembered her visit to Melinda's. And when she thought about how one little action from his parents could have saved him from all this memory loss and complete uncertainty of who he really was and where he came from—it made her sick to her stomach.
"How did your doctors let you down?"
"They never believed me—they would ask me, then I would tell them, but they would punish me for saying it…"
"Say what?"
Josh shook his head quickly, "I can't—."
"I'll believe you."
"Sam…" he opened his eyes and looked at her, all sadness and doubt, "I wish I could tell you…but they made me forget—they made me."
"Okay," she accepted, tears stinging her eyes at the passionate defeat in his tone, "I'm going to set a scene for you. Is that alright?"
He continued to stare at her as if he suddenly felt self-conscious, "I…I don't know, I don't think this is working. Maybe I can't be hypnotized…"
She smiled softly when she sensed him becoming nervous, "We can stop if you don't feel comfortable."
"It's not really that…I don't think," he said, sitting himself up on the couch. He rubbed his hands over his face before trying to explain, "It just feels like…you know when you're about to do something that doesn't feel safe? Like when you walk to the edge of a cliff…you're still in complete control of your body, but you still have that fear about falling off? That's kinda how this feels…"
Sam felt her heart skip a beat. She knew all too well what he was talking about. There was something inside of Elliot that made him feel close to some sort of breakthrough (from Josh) but the enormity of the discovery was giving him anxiety. Once they made a breakthrough, he could never go back. But it really made Sam wonder just how close to a breakthrough they were…
"How's your new medication working for you?" She asked, suddenly realizing that they were still in a darkened room with her sitting close to him, but neither of them seemed to mind.
"Good. I feel like I can focus more in my classes. And I'm turning in my assignments ahead of time…"
"That's great, Elliot," she complimented, though she wasn't sure if it was completely true or if he was saying something that he knew she wanted to hear, "And have you been talking to any of your classmates? Make any new friends?"
Josh thought about it for a moment before saying, "Well, there is this one girl…"
Sam's heart plummeted into her stomach though she tried to keep her face neutral, "Oh? A girl?"
But Josh saw her expression and grinned a bit, "Not like that. You don't have anything to worry about there…"
Sam blushed and tried to think of something to say that would not make it seem like she was feeling any sort of jealousy, but Josh went on before she could respond.
"Her name is…umm, I think it's Dana? I'm bad with names especially when people quickly introduce themselves…anyway, she looks like she's fourteen. We got paired together for an in class project and she told me that her husband joined the military as soon as they finished high school and he got stationed overseas. So she's actually seventeen—maybe eighteen? I told her she was really young to be married."
"That is quite young," Sam agreed.
"Yeah, she said everyone tells her that, but they knew what they wanted and went for it. She was really talkative. She said I reminded her of her older brother. And she kinda reminds me of a younger sister type. You know—annoying but tolerable."
Sam laughed at his description, sure she heard Josh describe Hannah that way before, "I think I know what you mean."
"It makes me wonder if I have—had?—any siblings," he went on.
Sam bit her lip at his words. She stood up to turn the lights back on, "I'm hoping that someday soon I can help you remember everything, and then we can find out."
She could feel his eyes on her as she walked back to her desk. Then he blurted, "Can I take you out to lunch sometime?"
She paused, finding the courage to look at his scared, curious, and expectant eyes. Her hands shook as she turned off her desk lamp and bravely said, "How about we keep our meetings in this office only…" she watched as all hope faded from his face, and she hated it more than anything, so quickly went on, "for now."
A smile creeped onto his face and he nodded, "I'll continue taking my meds."
She wanted to tell him that he should continue taking his meds for him and his well-being, but knew the words would be almost useless. Still, everyone has their own personal motivation to do what's right, and, actually, she kind of liked that she was his.
To Be Continued...