Chapter 14: Sam's Letter

My Dear Freddie

I was hoping that I'd never have to explain myself for my actions. I honestly thought I would never see you again after you left for college. It's crazy that I still … we still have so much unfinished business with each other. It's really hard for me to try to explain to you what I was feeling all those years ago. First I guess I will start off with the things you didn't know.

I couldn't stand the closeness between you and Carly. I mean, I know we were all friends but the second time we tried to make our relationship work, I made a point to try and keep her out of our personal stuff, and if seemed like you gave her all of our information, part of me kind of thought that you viewed me as a consolation prize. I mean you had spent your entire childhood making stupid lovey eyes at her and was a easy conclusion to come to, but now I know that it was mainly my insecurities.

Even thought those things bugged me they weren't the reason I ended our relationship. The reason I ended things was because I knew that you would go out and live your life become the success you are and you would find somebody that fit with you better. I knew that you would find yourself a nerdy Carly, that's what I envisioned in my head anyway.

I knew that if would kill me to have you call me and tell me that you'd found somebody new. The last night I spent with you before you left from college I sobbed like a damned baby once I got home. It was a really hard decision I made to let you go. I think the most important thing for you to know is that I never wanted to lose you. The very first time we broke up I didn't want to. When you asked if we could try again I was elated. I was just so wrapped up in my persona of being a bad ass I could never show you. I was so wrapped up in it that I had convinced myself that I couldn't be any better than I was at the time. Then you and Carly left and it forced me to grow up, so in a way I think it was necessary for us to part.

Why am I telling you all of this now?

Mainly because you asked me and I felt me being honest about everything will give us both the closure we need to finally let go. I also wanted to tell you again one more time that I loved you then and that I love you still. I just don't think we were meant to be together forever.

Love you

Sammy

I poured my heart out to Freddie. I have never done that. I've never told him everything I've felt. Hell, I've shared all of my thoughts with anyone. I was nervous and drained. I sat down heavily at the foot of my bed and took a deep breath. Warm liquid flowed down my cheeks, it was hard stirring up all of those feeling that I had back then, it was even more difficult dealing with the emotions I had now. I had made love to Freddie. I have NEVER been that close to anyone … we were so connected. I didn't know if I was going to be able to cope with the fact that I would never experience him again. That tomorrow we would part ways and that was it, we would seriously never be "Seddie" again. A weird twinge of ick went through my stomach that made feel like I was going to blow chunks. I rushed to bathroom and tried to force myself to vomit. Nothing came out yet I was still stuck with the feeling. I splashed some cool water on my face and tried to sober my emotions. As soon as I felt I was starting to get some sort of handle on myself I hear a rapid knocking on my door.

"Sammy, Sammy, we need to talk." I groaned as listened to Freddie's voice boom past my door. This is why I was trying to sneak in and out of his room quickly.

"No we don't not really," I yelled back.

"So you were just going to give me this letter and then disappear again?" He asked a question to which I thought the answer should have been obvious. "Sam, talk to me you owe me that much!" Owe him? I paid up all my debts I didn't owe him or anyone anything. I opened my door and planned to tell him just that.

"I have given you more than enough during this damned wedding don't you think? I can't believe you have nerve to tell me I owe you! I … I gave YOU everything!" I went to slam the door in his face and he blocked it.

"You never trusted me Sam, not really. If you did you would have trusted that I love you and you would have felt comfortable enough to tell everything thing that was going on in that crazy blonde head of yours. You would have told me that you didn't like me telling Carly our business and I would have stopped. You would've let me know that you were insecure and I would have assured you that you had no reason to be. I spent all of my college career trying to get over you." He took a deep breath and then sat down on my bed. He looked at the letter again. "If I had known that these little things are what drove you to leave me … I would've gotten you back."

"They weren't little Benson," I murmured as I sat down beside him. "I was scared. I couldn't deal with us going through another break up. I couldn't handle going through the motions of it again." I looked at him and his expression was that of a drained depressed man. I had made him this way. To me it was even more proof that we didn't belong together. "I'm … sorry." I whispered.

"You should be." He quickly maneuvered his lips to mine. I don't know what kind of thought process Benson was working on to think this was the proper time to be making out, but to be honest I'd rather be doing this than sitting in the room with him feeling all awkward. I ran my fingers through his hair as his gently ran his tongue down the side of my neck. I shivered involuntarily and he laughed at me. Kissing Freddie was so easy, what was even easier was the way he seemed to maneuver me out of my clothes. Before I knew it I was on my back and he was whispering in my ear. "I love you Sammy, I never stopped and I never will."

He grabbed my hands, intertwining our fingers as he placed them over my head. Our bodies had the easiest conversations; I wished our mouths behaved in such a way. The way he moved within me with each stroke leaving me even more vulnerable and breathless. His hands seemed to know which part of my body were the most sensitive and were dying for his attention. All of these things made our love making great, but it was his eyes that sealed the deal the way he watched me. It was like he was lifting my desires from my brain, and at the same time confessing his admiration for me with each glance of my body. He also knew how to make me lose control. At the end of our love making he was so forceful with his movement that I couldn't help but call his name. He rendered me speechless and exhausted.

"Oh God I love you Sammy," the words barely escaped him due to his attempts at catching his breath.

"I love you too." I lay my head on his chest and he wrapped his arms around me. I looked up at him; his eyes were now close with a smile happily across his lips. I wanted to remember this forever … since this was the last time I'd see him this way.