Meant To Be
Chapter Fourteen (14): Relapse
Almost 2 months had gone by since the relaxing day that both Jess and Em enjoyed together. Since then, it's been almost non-stop case after case for the team. Everyone was exhausted with not only the aftermath of the cases but also of the usual case files paperwork amount.
On the personal side of two certain women's life, Emily and Jessie had decided to try again and now were patiently waiting, but because of the busyness of the team Prentiss had forgotten to take a test and had gone to get a blood test at their doctor's clinic: to check on her levels and make sure that the injections were working.
The day was Thursday and Grey was quietly working in her office. She had ended up taking the subway to work, because her wife had an appointment to hear about her blood test result and find out what their next steps are. Jess' desk was almost empty of case files, when Emily burst in the room, closed and locked the door: all while looking and texting someone. The longhaired brunette removed her jacket and placed it at the bottom of the door, before going to the blinds and closing them.
"Em, is everything okay? What did the doc—" the short haired agent was cuts off, when her wife practically pounced on her and captured her lips in a very intense and sensual kiss. "Wow… what was that for?"
"I got my blood test results back… I'm positive"
"For?"
"No more injections, just you, me and hormones for the next couples of months"
"… You mean… we're…" Grey was speechless.
"I'm pregnant… We're expecting a baby in a couple of months!" she answered excitedly, before Jess captured her lips in an intense and passionate kiss.
"Who else knows?"
"No one, but right now I have other things on my mind" Emily said as she unbuttoned her blouse, let it fall on the floor and sat on her wife's desk.
"And a filthy mind it is agent Prentiss" Grey answered as she walked over to where Em was sitting and gave her a slow and languid kiss. "Shit… what about…?" she said while looking up to the camera in her office.
"I might have promised to tell Garcia later about our news"
"God, you're a hot genius"
"And right now, this hot genius wants her wife" Prentiss said, as she practically yanked Grey to her, in an open mouth kiss that deepen very quickly.
Jessie's hands were feeling and cupping all over Em's body, especially her butt and thighs. Soon her hands started to travel under her wife's skirt and kept lightly stroking her.
"Oh god…" Emily moaned, "Not here baby, later. I promise"
"You think Hotch would let us leave now?" asked a very turned on Grey, who kept feeling up her life partner.
"Don't you have work?"
"I caught up this morning, I even skipped my lunch break so that I could catch up, so I could really use something to eat right now"
"Down girl" Em laughed, before kissing her, "I'll go talk to him right now and let him know that we're caught up and would like to take the rest of the day to ourselves, due to some fantastic news"
"You might as well tell him. He's done so much for us"
"True. Alright be right back sex beast"
"Grrrr" Jess growled after giving one last kiss to her wife.
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Hotch had congratulated the new expecting parents and had agreed with letting them take the rest of the day off. They had also agreed to plan a night out with the team and let them in on the good news, but right now they had a certain thing on their minds and Emily's hormones were already getting out of control.
Grey was driving, while Emily sat in the front passenger seat. Both were trying their hardest to focus on the road, but Emily's clit was pulsing so hard that the longhaired brunette unzipped her pants and started massaging herself in front of Jess.
Luckily Grey knew of an abandoned area that she was planning to take her wife to for a picnic in the woods. She made a quick left and went off-road and up a trail to a very forest area and eventually stopped the car and shut the engine off.
"I'm coming…" Emily moaned.
"Not in the front seat you're not. Get in the back" she ordered in her lieutenant tone, as she unbuttoned her white blouse.
"Yes Ma'am"
Both woman got out and got in the backseat of the Lexus. Prentiss immediately pushed the blouse off of Grey's shoulders and unhooked her bra at the same time, while the younger woman pulled down her pants and underwear; they removed the rest of each others clothing before getting in position.
Emily lay on her side, her legs wide open, and while Jessie held one leg in the air and pressed her pelvis and clit right into Emily's and started thrusting at a quick pace.
"Jessie… Jessie… right there!"
They kept at it for a while, before switching to sitting face to face, their bodies as close as they could and rubbed their clits together hard and fast.
"So close… so close… oh baby, don't stop" Emily begged, before she bit her wife's shoulder.
Then Jessie switched their position again by making Em lie on her back and was thrusting with all her might.
"AAH! Yes! Aah, aah, aah, aah, aah, aah … AAAH JESSIE!" Em's eyes rolled in the back of her head seconds before she blacked out from the intensity of her orgasm. Jessie took this opportunity to catch her breath and let the stinging of the bloody nail marks on her back to stop.
Grey was left hanging on the edge, so the short haired woman sat up and started rubbing herself with two fingers, with her eyes close fantasizing about having sex in her office. Seeing her wife tie her hand behind her back, while she sat in her chair. Imagining Emily riding her like there's no tomorrow.
"That's it… don't stop riding baby" she muttered to herself, tightening the circles, feeling herself reaching the point of no return, when a hand stopped her from climaxing and was replaced with a luscious mouth, "Oooh fuck!" her right hand went into Em's long hair and guided the movement she needed, "Em… Emily… oh baby!"
Grey came minutes later, screaming her approval, before pulling Em's lips to her own.
"What were you fantasizing about?" Prentiss asked, while playing with her wife's breast.
"You cuffing me and riding me in my office"
"Jessie Grey you dirty girl, is that why you kept making advances towards me earlier? Naughty girl"
"Yes I am" Jess answered, while she enjoyed the attention her wife was giving to her breast. Then out of the blue she felt the cold metal cuffs around her wrist, then both wrists were cuffed behind her back, "What the…?"
"Let's see if you can be quiet enough for the office fantasy" Prentiss said, before she started to slowly gyrate her hips into her wife's. Jessie immediately started to whimper in pleasure, "Shhh, baby you're a little loud" she whispered before licking Grey's lips. Jessie quickly took advantage of the moment and sucked on her wife's tongue. The young agent spread her legs wider and purposely made her hips vibrate, "OOooooh yes!". This was an ability that always drove Emily wild.
"Shhh, you're a little loud" retorted the young lieutenant, who was smirking smugly at her soul mate.
"You're not in control here…" those words sent bad shivers through Jess' body and a flashback to her being held in the dessert and then again with Fielding.
Flashback to months ago…
Grey was back in the cabin, bleeding from the many slashes and cuts she had received from Thomas.
"Please Thomas…"
"Please Thomas" he mocked before opening up another scar, "You're no longer in charge lieutenant! Now let's see about that scar on your neck!"
Flashback to years ago…
"You're not in control here Sergeant! SO stop begging and tell me what I want to know!" the disguised man barked out, before he cuffed her hands behind her back and started to beat the living daylight out of her.
End of flashbacks…
"Please, stop… don't…" Grey was begging, tears pouring down her face.
"Jessie… Jessie baby look at me. Focus on me and my voice"
"Emily, help…" the spikey haired woman whimpered out, her eyes still hazy and unfocused.
"Jessie, baby focus please on my voice. I'm right here!" Prentiss un-cuffed her wife and held her face in her hands.
Suddenly Jessie's eyes started to focus on her wife's eyes and immediately pulled her body against hers in a tight hug as the younger woman sobbed. Emily was left dumbfounded at what she was witnessing. The usually strong Jessie Grey was crying uncontrollably into her neck and shaking. Prentiss held, caressed and whispered sweet endearment in her wife's ear.
Grey eventually stopped sobbing, but was left emotionally numb and dead quiet. Neither women knew what to say about what had just happened, so they got dressed and Em drove them back to their condo, where Jess just weakly walked upstairs to their bedroom and laid in bed, leaving a very worried Emily who felt like this was all her fault.
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In her dream…
Jessie carried a bouquet of red roses up to Emily's hospital room, where their newborn boy was waiting to meet her for the first time.
As the short haired brunette entered the room, there stood Thomas Fielding who was holding her son, while Emily's lifeless eyes stared right at her.
"No! Emi—" two gunshots rang out. Grey felt two sharp pain in her gut and fell onto the floor on her back.
"I have what belongs to me, my second chance at life" Fielding said as he walked over Jessie's body and was waling away with the baby.
"No! Please don't take him away!"
"You think you're mentally fit enough to be parent material? Think again lieutenant! You're too damaged in the head, especially emotionally. Even I'm better off raising this little guy as my own. Goodbye Lieutenant…"
End of dream…
"No!" Grey said drenched in sweat, her heart rate was through the roof. The young woman looked over to her sleeping partner and eyed her still flat stomach. Was she adequate enough to be a good enough parent, or was she too damaged that she'd just hurt her love ones more. Suddenly the urge to throw up came over her, so the agent ran to the bathroom and emptied her stomach content.
The only thing Jessie could think about was what Fielding had told her in her dream. She was emotionally unstable; almost anything that happens around her sets off flashbacks, which emotionally numbs her, which also probably affects her marriage.
After she flushed the toilet and rinsed her mouth with mouthwash, Grey walked out of the bathroom only to bump into her wife, who gave her a worried look.
"What's going on with you?"
"I feel like I'm not in control of myself anymore. I'm scared shitless, is that what you want to hear?!"
"Hey! First of all, why would hearing this be something I'd want to hear huh?"
"So that I'm not that heartless bitch you're stuck with"
"You're not a bitch and you're anything but heartless. What's going on with you, you're not yourself! I thought you were handling what happened?"
"Well I'm not! I'm especially the worst choice of a parent with how fucked up I am in the head!"
"Whoa! Calm the hell down! Where is all of this coming from?"
"I had a nightmare that Fielding killed you and took our son… he pointed out things that sadly make a lot of sense"
"First off, are you even listening to what you're saying? You agree with the man who hurt you and made you this way said. Secondly, you can seek help by seeing a psychiatrist"
"And what, be put on meds that doesn't work?"
"It's better than doing nothing! … I need you to get the help you need, and I'll be with you every step. But right now you're just proving him right!" even though Emily's anger was getting the better of her, she also knew that this needed to be said, "I'm going back to bed"
"Em…"
"Shut up! Hearing you say things like this hurts me as well, you know. So stop being a fucking disappointment and go help yourself" that word was like a slap in the face for Jessie. She knew that she had let her fears and what Fielding said to her in her dreams get to her, but that was the last thing she had expected to hear from her wife. Angry or not. Prentiss walked back on the room and slammed the door shut.
"Em, please open the door… I'm sorry I let my fears get the better of me, but please open the door"
"You have any idea how much you hurt me with what you just said?"" Em sniffled as she hugged her pillow in an attempt to stop herself from crying, "Just go away!"
"…Em…"
"Go. AWAY!"
Jessie backed away from the door and made her way to the balcony where she repeatedly punched herself in the face, until she was dizzy. Her knuckles swollen, Grey ignored the pain and went back inside and pulled out a lighter and went back onto the balcony. She took a piece of metal and slowly burnt the words 'Failure', 'Useless' and 'Disappointment' across her hip and stomach.
"You can't do anything right… She's right. I am a disappointment"
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The next morning, Prentiss woke up feeling nauseous and ran to empty her stomach in the washroom. After she flushed and brushed her teeth, the brunette remembered everything that had happened late last night and immediately opened the door and called out her wife's name, but received no response.
"Jessie! Jessie…?" the longhaired brunette looked around the condo and only found a note taped on the dining table.
'At the office
- JG'
Even just from how short the note was, Emily knew that something wasn't right with her wife and she needed to be more supportive and helpful, instead of have let her anger get the better of her. Yes, what Jessie said was hurtful but she wasn't saying it to be mean. She was telling her everything she was feeling and why she felt that way and she kicks her down even lower emotionally.
Meanwhile at the bureau, Hotch had just gotten off of the elevator as was making his way to his office, when he felt a presence behind him. He turned around and saw a very emotional and beyond tired Jessie Grey standing in front of him.
"Agent Grey, what can I help you with?" asked a serious yet concerned Hotch.
"… I… I need help"
"Come in my office" the team leader said as he guided the distressed agent to his office. He closed the door, locked it and closed the blonds so that they could have 100% privacy, "What can I help you with Agent Grey?"
"I need to find a psychiatrist, but I don't have anywhere to start looking or referrals" answered the young agent, who kept eyeing his sharp letter opener. Hotch spotted this and was immediately concerned for his agent.
"What happened yesterday? You and Prentiss found out that you were going to be parents and now you look awful" he told his subordinate.
"Thanks…" she answered sarcastically before continuing, "Lately everything I do and happening around me brings back memories of the cabin, wen I was captured and tortured in the desert… and when Em was dying in my arms. Now she hates me and I don't blame her because I am pretty pathetic right now!"
"Agent Grey, you are anything but pathetic and I'm certain that agent Prentiss doesn't hate, but was just angry or upset at how you were reacting or acting… which didn't help yes, but it may have seem like it at the time. Give her some space and then let her come to you" the team leader calmly told his agent before adding, "Have you slept yet?"
"No…"
"Go in Rossi's office and sleep there for a while, you have time"
"I can't! They're too much to handle, that's why I need to see a psychiatrist now" with that agent Grey walked out of her superior's office and enclosed herself in hers instead.
"Jessie wait!"
"I just came to you for help and to give you this to get rid of" the agent said, as she handed the bottle of Vodka over to her team leader and walked off to her office, while Hotch stared in shock at the half empty bottle of Vodka. He knew he should report her, but knew that this was between her and Emily to solve. But he would support and help in any way he could.
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Jessie was working on a case file about a multiple homicide in Chicago, when someone knocked on the closed door.
"…Come in…" Grey answered with no emotion in her voice. She had worked through lunch without taking any breaks to eat or drink, which worried the entire team, especially Emily.
"Hey…" It was Emily, "I brought you a sandwich from the deli and a ginger ale" the brunette agent placed the food and beverage on her wife's desk, before looking at the dark circles under Jess' eyes.
"… Thank you… I didn't realized I was even hungry until now" the spikey haired agent said, as she opened the bag, unwrapped the sandwich and took a big bite.
They didn't say anything for the longest time. Prentiss could see that her wife was struggling emotionally and mentally. She now knew that she had stepped over the line last night when she said those words to her. She was anything but a disappointment.
"I also came here to apologize about last night. I had no right to lose my temper the way I did and you are anything but a disappointment Jessie"
"I am a disappointment… I stopped at a corner store and bought an alcohol drink, Hotch has the drink I gave it to him. I made myself threw up when I downed a couple of sips…"
"What? …" that was the last night thing Emily had expected to hear from her wife. She had been clean for so long, "I'm sorry Jessie, I haven't been there enough for you"
"It's not you Emily. It's mainly my fault… These flashback and everything that's happening, I'm pretty certain that I have PTSD and… this is the first time I've said it out loud, which upsets me more because I should have gotten help years ago. Instead of assuming that it'd go away or that I'd get over with time. I either see you getting tortured in the cabin; I relive the cabin or the desert… or worse of all I relive you dying in my arms. I need help Em and I don't know where tor who to go anymore" Grey broke down crying.
"Shhh, we'll get through this together baby. I'm glad that you told me everything just now; it shows that you still trust me even after what happened last night. I'll call mother and find the best psychiatrist in Virginia to help you" Emily told her wife before adding, "Were you going to go to a meeting tonight?"
"Yeah… Will you go with me?" she asked weakly, tears streaming down her face still.
"You know I will" Prentiss answered with a soft smile before placing a gentle kiss on her wife's lips, "Come on, let's go home and get you to sleep for a bit"
"What about work?"
"Hotch gave us the afternoon off, it's only you and I left here now"
"Alright, let's go home"
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Both women didn't get home until 11 pm, after the meeting. Jessie was given a sponsor and now was beyond tired. When they had gotten home earlier, the young agent wasn't able to sleep due to her nightmares. Now they had just entered through the door and were welcomed by two meowing cats.
"Hey you two loud mouth" Em remarked jokingly, before picking up Sergio and scratched his head, while Jessie petted Sketch, who was loving the belly rub she was receiving, "You hungry?"
"No, I'm good Emily" Grey answered weakly, "… Em"
"Yes, dear"
"I broke another promise I made… the hurting one"
"The hurting on-… Oh… What did you do Jessie?" the first place Emily checked was her wife's arms and wrist, which were clean from cuts apart from the old scars.
"I put some words that are the truth about who I am"
"Show me", With that said, Jessie unbuttoned her blue blouse and let the piece of clothing fall on the floor. A sharp gasp was heard from Emily as she saw the three words her wife had burnt onto herself: 'Useless', 'Failure' and 'Disappointment'. The last word hit Emily really hard. It was the same word she had said to her and now there it was… permanently burnt on her hip. As the longhaired brunette gently placed her thumb over the burnt word, Jessie flinched, "Sorry… Jessie what I said was completely out of bounds and wrong in so many ways. You're anything but a disappointment, you're not useless and you've never failed me, not even now"
"I don't deserve you" Grey told her honestly.
"I'm the one who should be saying that. Can we move on from last night and focus on our future?" Prentiss asked as she held Jessie's hand over her still very flat stomach.
"I want to…"
"Then let's go to bed and start our new day then?"
"Sounds perfect"
They made their way up to their room, changed into their sleep wear and lay as close to one another as possible. Jessie had her arm wrapped around Em's waist and her head lying on her stomach. Just before the young woman fell asleep, she kissed where she knew their baby was and said goodnight to both her wife and their unborn child. This made Em smile. She stroked her fingers through her wife's hair until she too fell asleep. No nightmares came that night.