Code Name Huck
Broken Huck
(Opening credits. Cut to Huck riding on a unicycle with his hands with his feet in the air talking to a man resembling Bill near the water cooler.)
Huck: ………then I went through the cabin, the tank exploded then I flew up into the air onto the roof and then BAM! I fell down, so that's how I became crippled.
Will: (man near water cooler) Yeah, but what's with the unicycle?
Huck: Oh this……..I can't afford a wheelchair.
Will: Well, I'm Will from accounting………so, yeah.
Huck: SIGN THE PETITION TO BAN THE EVIL ALLIANCE SKIING TRIP!
(Will walks off as James walks in.)
James: You can't afford a wheelchair?
Huck: No, I can't……do you have one?
James: No, but I'm a licensed surgeon.
Huck: Really? Then what are you doing here, you should be off inside people.
James: Huck, I work as the Evil Alliance's chief surgeon. I double as an agent because Craig's too cheap to get real agents.
Huck: Oh, okay…..
James: Listen, I could give you a leg transplant if you could somehow make it worth my while.
Huck: How so?
James: You see those Jews over there.
(Cut to a carton of juice.)
Huck: (V.O) Yeah.
James (V.O) Not that juice.
(Cut to Rabbis playing cards in another room.)
James: (V.O) Those Jews.
(Cut back to James and Huck.)
Huck: What about them?
James: I kinda…….want to join their group.
Huck: Well you could…
James: Without the circumcision.
Huck: Okay, what do you want me to do?
James: I don't know……drop in a good word for me perhaps. The Jews are essential to the leg transplant, they have the money.
(Cut to the Jews playing cards as Huck wheels up to them in his unicycle.)
Huck: So you're playing cards, eh? Good stuff…….good stuff.
Rabbi #1: You're not joining our group Huck!
Huck: Of course I wouldn't, it's my friend Smith, James Smith…….he wants to join your group.
Rabbi #1: So Smith J. Smith wants to join our group, huh…
(James walks up to them.)
James: Hi…
Rabbi #1: Okay Smith, you can join our group but…….there's one right of initiation every Jew Money Bag group members must go through.
James: What?
(Cut to James lying on the bed on what seems to be a porno set as the Jew Money Bag group is behind the camera as Craig and Huck (still on unicycle) are looking on.)
Rabbi #2: Okay Smith, it's just you and T-Rex in this scene so I would need a lot of hot action before I'll get you to whip out your cock alright.
(Cut to James in a superhero suit lying on the bed.)
James: Okay, why do they call her T-Rex?
(Stomping is heard as the studio shakes as a really fat woman enters.)
T-Rex: (with Trey Parker voice, ala Orgazmo) Hi fellas, I'm ready to fudge.
James: (cut to shocked expression) OH MY GOD!
T-Rex: You want me on top?
James: (quickly getting up) No, I'll be on top.
(T-Rex sits on the bed.)
T-Rex: You're going to make me cum, or I'm going to kick…..your….butt.
(T-Rex pushes James down. Cut to Rabbi #1 in director's chair with megaphone.)
Rabbi #1: And action!
(Cut to the bed as T-Rex jumps on top of James as porno music starts and she starts rubbing herself against him.)
T-Rex: OH YEAH! FUDGE ME NAW! FUDGE ME NAW! YOU GET ME SO HOT! (cut to Rabbi #1 on the chair as he mouths "Nice", cut back to T-Rex) FUDGE ME NAW! C'MON! C'MON! C'MON! C'MON LOVAH BABY!
(Cut to Craig with a camera as he turns to face Huck as T-Rex continues to saw "Fudge me naw".)
Craig: That's some hot stuff right there!
(Huck stares at Craig. Cut to James in a synagogue reading out of a torah, wearing Rabbi clothing.)
James: Today, I am a Jew.
(James steps down as Huck and the rest of the Jew Money Bag are standing there, applauding him.)
James: (bows) Thank you, thank you (stops bowing) Now um…
Rabbi #1: You can call me Jim Goldstein.
Rabbi #2: And me Rob Weinstein.
Rabbi #3: And me Jake Buckstein.
Rabbi #4: And me Russell Bornstein.
Female Rabbi: And me Alex Borstein.
James: Okay Jim…….can I borrow some money.
Jim Goldstein (Rabbi #1): Yeah sure, here's the share of the money you get from that porn flick we made.
(Jim hands James $700.)
Jim Goldstein: Only complete perverts would want to watch 90 minutes of a fat chick (BLEEP)ing some skinny guy.
(Cut to Chris and Ross in a basement drinking beer as T-Rex is heard saying "DO ME THE RIGHT WAY, YOU AIN'T MAKING ME CUM, C'MON NOW, HARDER, FUDGE ME NAW"!. Cut back to the synagogue.)
James: C'mon Huck, time for your leg transplant.
(Cut to Huck with feminine legs standing in the hospital room.)
Huck: Who did you get these legs from?
James: Some broad named "Velma Dinkley" (grabs chart) according to this she died of a drug overdose.
Huck: So you mean there's junk in my legs that could go straight to my brain.
James: Don't worry we pumped out all the marijuana smoke from the legs before we transplanted it onto you.
Huck: That still isn't a 100 guarantee that ALL the drugs are gone, you know drugs it's sneaky with it's………sneakiness! Cut off these legs and get another donor!
James: Okay, here we go.
(James grabs a folding chair and smacks Huck over the head as he falls down unconscious.)
James: Damn bastard's never happy!
(James swings out a chainsaw. Cut to a black screen as it's now from Huck's point of view as James is there.)
James: Huck……..Huck….hello?
(Cut to a close-up of Huck's head.)
Huck: What is it?
(Cut back to James.)
James: Well, we couldn't get another leg donor because; well the morgue is a bit low on deaths so…
Huck: (V.O) So what?
James: We kinda had to transplant the rest of your body from the waist up to the uh….
(Cut to a outer shot of Huck's body attached to the "General Lee".)
James: …….General Lee.
Huck: You transplanted my body to the hood of a car!
James: Not just any car, the General Lee.
Huck: Okay……..we'll see how this goes then.
James: Okay, but I'll have to drive you around.
Huck: I'll give this a 1-week trial, then, c'mon……let's get back to work.
James: YEE-HAW!
(James slides in through the window and drives off as "The Dukes of Hazzard" theme song plays.)
Balladeer: (V.O over song) Them Evil Alliance boys gonna get themselves a o'heap of trouble from Boss Warburton………….because they're 48 hours late for work.
(Cut to the General Lee crashed behind a truck as James looks at an unconscious Huck squashed against the parked truck.)
James: Oh Hell.
(Cut to Huck walking in the hospital room with robot legs.)
Huck: This is actually pretty cool.
(A man with an orange afro runs in and kicks Huck in the balls as he falls down as his robot legs separate from the rest of the body.)
Huck: (holding his balls) OH CRAP! WHY THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT FOR! WHY!
Man with Orange Afro: My, my…..friend.
Huck: (holding his balls) WHAT!
Man with Orange Afro: You've just been kicked in the nuts.
(Silence as Huck quickly gets up and punches him in the balls as Man with the orange afro falls down in pain.)
Huck: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT! HUH! YOU (BLEEP)ING BASTARD!
(Cut to the Jew Money Bag group throwing dice in a craps table in their room as James walks in.)
James: Um……Jim.
Jim Goldstein: Yeah, what is it?
James: I need a thousand more dollars.
Jim Goldstein: (stands up straight, angrily) A thousand dollars? What happened to the seven hundred dollars I gave you?
James: Yeah, about that, we've had three unsuccessful leg transplants and um……..they've been unsuccessful and I kinda need more money.
(Silence.)
Rob Weinstein: Lawsuit.
(Cut to a CourtTV style show as a female reporter is in a news room as there's a mortise of Craig.)
Female Anchor: The boss, CEO and President of the Evil Alliance Craig Matt Warburton today has been sued out of one MILLION dollars from employee and secret agent Huckleberry Hound.
(Cut to a mortise of Huck.)
Female Anchor: Mr. Hound is suing Mr. Warburton for "crippling" emotional and psychical pain but, mostly psychical. Huck is being represented by five high standard Jewish lawyers while Craig is being represented by Harvey Birdman……..who's dead.
(Cut to Craig using Harvey's dead corpse as a puppet.)
Craig: (Gary Cole voice) I call Mr. Hound to the stand.
(Cut back to the news room.)
Female Anchor: Sad…..and pathetic.
(Different camera angle now as Female Anchor swings around from her chair.)
Female Anchor: Huckleberry Hound has now, according to the producers talking into my ear piece, won the lawsuit, bidding that because of the Evil Alliance skiing trip that Mr. Warburton holds every year is responsible for his disability and saying that in a press conference that he went through the cabin, a tank exploded then he flew up into the air onto the roof and then BAM! He fell down, so that's how he became crippled. In other news, the Evil Alliance skiing trip will not be held next year.
(Cut to this being watched on TV as James turns it off as his sitting with Huck and the Jew Money Bag group.)
James: Your lawyers too?
Jake Buckstein: Yes, we're lawyers, film producers, porno film producers and accountants.
Huck: (grabs a whole stack of money) How could you do all that and still have time to play games in this room.)
Russell Bornstein: Good question………..we're Jewish.
(Silence, James and Huck start laughing. They both stop as the rest just stare at them.)
Russell Bornstein: That's wasn't a joke, it was fact.
(Silence.)
James: So, leg transplant Monday at the Evil Alliance?
Huck: Sounds good.
(Cut to the Evil Alliance with protesters outside as Will gets up.)
Will: In protest! I will now eat this jeep!
(A jeep wheels itself in as Will grabs a fork and knife and starts cutting it up and begins eating it for a long time before a car drives up and crushes the jeep along with Will as James (holding Huck's legless body) walks out of the car.)
James: What's going on here?
Bill: There's Huck……it's your fault the Evil Alliance is closed down!
Huck: What! No it's not!
Chris: Well because of you, Craig lost all his money so he sold the Evil Alliance to a bunch of Jews.
Huck: The Jew Money Bag group?
Chris: And we're not letting you through until you get the Evil Alliance back and therefore, getting all our jobs back.
(Huck grabs out a shotgun.)
Huck: I got a shotgun; unless you all want to be killed by a blue, legless dog I say let us through.
(Silence as everyone gulps.)
Chris: Okay, we'll let you…
Ross: NO!
(Huck cocks his gun and begins shooting everyone as everyone lies dead as James walks off, still holding Huck. Cut inside as they enter through as the five Jews are playing on a giant foosball table.)
James: Uh, guys…
Jim Goldstein: Yes, what is it Smith?
James: Well, it seems…….you now own the Evil Alliance.
Jim Goldstein: Yeah, Craig sold it to us for a million dollars.
James: Where did you get a million dollars?
Rob Weinstein: No, the question is…….WHERE are we going to get a million dollars?
(Cut to a quick shot of T-Rex having sex with James yelling "FUDGE ME NAW LOVAH". Cut to the mess hall as Jim is counting the money.)
Jim Goldstein: Now we've got the money to pay to Warburton thanks to you.
James: Do I get a share?
Jim Goldstein: No, you've already got million dollars from the lawsuit, what more could you want?
Huck: Well I want an actually good leg transplant!
James: Hey………could you guys help me with Huck's leg transplant?
Jim Goldstein: Meh, sure.
James: Really?
Jim Goldstein: All we need is a Rush album to make ultra cool legs to.
(Cut to a close-up of James' face.)
James: I've got all the Rush albums in my apartment!
Russell Bornstein: What are you waiting for, go get it!
(Cut to a legless Huck reading a "Playboy" magazine on the driveway, the Jew Money Group and James walk out of a garage.)
James: Huck, let's go to the Evil Alliance. We've got your new legs.
Huck: Really?
Jim Goldstein: Yes, the power of Geddy Lee's vocals and Neil Peart's drumming and lyric writing helped us build ultra awesome cool legs for you.
Huck: What are we waiting for, let's go!
(Cut to a close-up of shots of Huck's new robot legs which look the same as his old legs.)
James: (V.O) We made you some robot legs that strongly resemble your old ones but they shoot out missiles, lasers and best of all……….they can never be paralyzed.
Jim Goldstein: (V.O) There is a glitch though.
(Cut to the Jew Money Bag group and James standing behind a glass shield as Huck is standing in the surgery room looking at them.)
Huck: What gli…
(Huck's robot legs explode. End credits.)