I was putting on my bra for the day, Choka lazily sprawled on Shinji's bed while he was making dinner. We were talking about whatever, when she suddenly stood up.

"Is that really your bra? Seriously, Zumi-chan, it's way too small!" she said, coming to me.

"Well..." I started nervously. "It was about the right size when I got it..." I'd been in Sereitei for roughly a year at that point.

"About? You should've got it bigger. You're still growing."

"I... I kinda like them a bit tight."

She snorted. "A bit? That's a B and you seriously need a D!" she argued. "What, Shinji won't buy some for you?"

"Umm..." Truth be told, I hated asking Shinji to buy me things. It was his money. I had no right to dig into it.

"What? SHINJI!"

She dragged me out, small bra on and pretty much naked. Shinji glanced at us, briefly appraising my bra and undies, but, before he could open his mouth, Choka started ranting about my feminine needs. Shinji sighed, patiently waiting for her to finish. He had this look on his face, of someone genuinely bored. Eventually, he spoke.

"She never asked."

"Eh? Really? Why not, Zumi-chan?"

I tried to cover my breasts with one arm, the other one being held tight by Choka. I was shyly looking at Shinji, trying to see where he was directing his eyes. He was looking at Choka, occasionally glancing at the food. I was of no interest to him. He thought of me as still a child, not a woman, or even a girl.

"I... I don't like asking for things..."

"If you don't ask for anything, you won't get it." Shinji stated plainly.

I looked down. Choka let go of me and I covered my chest, stepping backwards.

"C-can I get some new bras?" I asked, blushing.

"Yeah." he said simply, then turned off the oven, waving his hand dismissively at us.

Choka dragged me back to my room, then threw a kimono at me. I put it on, embarrassed by what had just happened.

"You shouldn't have done that..." I muttered.

"Why not?" she asked.

"Umm..."

"Oh, no worries! Shinji's not the type to stare!"

'Obviously, with how much sex he gets.'

I sighed, tying my kimono. Choka kept talking, saying how we'd both go shopping that day. I later understood that she'd tested him and he'd luckily passed.

We walked into the kitchen. I was overall avoiding Shinji's eyes, while Choka was talking to him as if she hadn't just showed him a half naked girl who was eating with them.

"She needs a D."

He yawned, briefly glancing at me. "I'm fairly sure you're wrong. She's a C."

Were they seriously talking about my boob size?

"Nu-uh, she's somewhere in-between, but she's still growing!"

"True. Whatever, it's your problem. I'll just give you some money."

"Alright. How much?"

"1000yen is okay?"

"Nah, more like 10 000." Choka said. I held back a gasp. That was a lot of money.

"What else are you buying?" Shinji asked with a deadpan.

"Matching undies, duh!" she squeaked happily.

I blushed crimson red. "I-I don't need matching underwear, really!"

"Nonsense! I got many and still not enough!" she claimed.

I glanced at Shinji, who was doing a pretty good job at keeping a poker face.

"B-but..."

"But what?"

"I'm not having sex yet with anyone!" I defended.

"Nonsense! You still need to feel sexy. Like me." she said, showing her lacy bra a little.

"Not really."

"Shinji, tell..."

He pulled her into a rough kiss, then scoped her up and shunpoed to the bedroom.

I finished eating in silence, taking time to appreciate the fact that they had bothered put up a privacy barrier. I then took a slice of the cake Choka and I had made the previous evening. 'Mmm, chocolate.'

In the end, I washed the dishes, then went into jinzen.

My inner world was cloudy as per usual, but there was no rain this time. Arashi appraised me in silence, probably knowing that I was only there to kill some time.

"Is there any particular reason for this visit?" he eventually asked.

"Do I need one?"

"No. Truth be told, I am happy to see you, master." he admittedI

I smiled and sat down, running my hand over the water.

"Does my inner world represent anything?" I asked randomly.

"It represents whatever you want it to represent. Do you find it dull?" Arashi came to sit next to me.

"No. I find it peaceful."

"It is, right now. When you're happy, the wind blows lightly. When you're sad, the clouds get darker. When you cry, it rains." he explained. I nodded.

"I remember that Zangetsu said something about Ichigo's skyscrapers representing his dreams and stuff."

"Ah, but what is your dream?"

"That's a good question." I said with a shrug. Arashi had a point. I never had a dream. Pathetic, maybe, but I never knew what to do with my life. I only knew how to obey others and follow the path my parents wanted me to follow.

"If you don't have an answer, that's okay. You're still young."

"How can you be my zanpakutou and still be so wise?"

This time, he smiled. "I remember all your previous lives. I represent the knowledge you gained over time."

"If I am an old soul, why was I so weak?" I inquired. "Shouldn't I have gathered strength and wisdom?"

"You're stronger than you think."

"I'm not."

"Your rigidity made you unable to adapt to new times. You stuck to your old values. There's nothing wrong with that." he countered. I didn't say anything. "You've always belonged to Sereitei rather than the World of the Living. I usually met with Sakanade as well."

"What do you mean?"

He shrugged. "We're familiar to each other. You were siblings in your first life, so maybe that's why."

"Oh... tell me more. Were we always related?"

"Mostly. You were never involved romantically, if that's what you're asking. You once married her brother. Your genders are always random, just so you know."

"I see... So you're practically saying that Shinji has always looked after me."

"And the other way round. He doesn't remember because he was a child back then, but you have died for him once in his current life."

"But you do."

Arashi nodded. I sighed, imagining my previous selves. Men and women alike, all strong, good looking, worthy of my zampakutou.

"It is indeed the first life where your self-esteem is so low." he commented.

"Isn't it also the first life when I have no friends?"

"I doubt Hirako-san doesn't count. Choka too." I stood silent. "Do you doubt it?"

"No."

"You do." he said with a sigh.

"Arashi, tu sais... how did I end up here? Now?"

"Time distortions are rare, but they do happen when you pass between realms. Shinigami gates detect and avoid them. Your memories are another rarity, but not unheard of." he explained. I nodded, looking down at the water below me.

"So I'm dead." He didn't reply, not like he had to. "How did I die?" No answer. "Arashi? How could I talk to mum and Sara?"

"Before you passed on, you took your phone with you. Iassimilated it and made the bond possible, though it wore off after a certain amount of time."

"How did I die?"

"I think you should return to the real world. Your friends are worried."

"Arashi!"

My eyes opened and I heard my friends quarrel. "It's been 2 hours!" Choka argued.

"So? I've once spent 2 days in jinzen!"

"But, Shinji-kyun!"

"Hi." I said shily. Shinji grinned.

"See? She's fine!"

"How long was I out?"

"Roughly 2 hours."

"I was so worried!" Choka whined.

"Gomen, Cho-chan. I didn't realize it had taken me that long."

"Time passes differently in jinzen." Shinji dismissed my apology with a wave of his hand. I nodded. "Anything interesting with your zanpakutou?" I looked down.

"Quite a few things. Apparently, I'm an old soul and... we've met before."

"Is that so?" Shinji seemed amused. "Makes sense. Sakanade said something similar." Choka was obviously very jealous so he looked at her, smiling. "We were siblings, love. Koizumi was the older one, though."

"Oh." she nodded in understanding. "Always?"

"I think so, yeah..."

"I married your sibling once." I supplied.

"So not always."

Choka had calmed down after hearing about our bond. I chuckled. It was funny how easy it was to get her all riled up about Shinji. He pulled her into his arms and kissed her cheek, whispering something sugary in her ear. I couldn't hear it.

Later, we went shopping. I asked Choka whether I could just bandage my boobs, since sports bras were hard to find. She shrugged, saying I could, but it was difficult.

It turned out that I was a C. We started looking through the shops, occassionally stopping.

"Zumi-chan, is there anything wrong?" she suddenly asked. I shrugged.

"I know I died. I can remember my life, but not my death and Arashi won't tell me." I explained. She pouted.

"Does it matter? I'm surprised that Shinji hasn't told you this already, but... you should let go of the past. I mean... it doesn't define you anymore. It's... a burden, isn't it?"

I looked down, bitting the inside of my cheek. She had a point. The past was in the past. Nothing could change it anymore and thinking about it wouldn't change anything.

"Shinji probably didn't want to sound like an asshole." I said simply. "We argued a lot in the beginning, this would've been the last straw." I stated.

"Guess so." Choka said noncommitantly.

We bought everything and returned home. Choka didn't come over, saying something about her paperwork. When I walked in, Shinji was sprawled on the couch, taking a late nap. I poked him and he grabbed my wrist by reflex, opening his eyes.

"Go to sleep in your bed, baka. That's why you have it." I scolded playfully, pulling his hair from the floor to push it at his face. He rolled his eyes and got up, scanning me.

"Did anything happen?"

The same answer I had given Choka came to my lips, but I hesitated before saying it. Was it even relevant anymore? I was probably boring Shinji out of his mind with my problems. His gaze sharpened.

"Zumi?"

I sighed in defeat. No use fighting against that tone. "Remember when I said I came here through a drawing?"

"Yeah. It's weird."

"Arashi gave me reasons to think that that wasn't the case. I'm fairly sure I died."

"How?"

"I don't know and he won't tell me."

Shinji shrugged. "Maybe he has a reason. It ain't like most peeps here remember their life and death."

"B-but, I want to know!" Shinji's eyes narrowed at my outburst.

"Listen carefully, kid. Zanpakutous are our best friends. If he's hiding anything, he's got a damn good reason for it. Drop it."

"B-but...!"

"What if you got raped then killed?" he asked then, making me freeze. "What if someone tortured then killed you?"

"U-umm..." I had no idea what to say.

"Exactly. Trust me, I know shinigami who won't come to terms with their death even hundreds of years later, so you're better off not knowing." he said with a sigh. "Actually... not remembering is always better."

I nodded, looking down. 'Strong people let go of their past. I'm not like that. I'm weak. A burden. A hindrance.'

'Don't berate yourself like that. It's okay to be curious.' Arashi said softly.

"I guess you're right." I told Shinji. I briefly considered giving him a fake smile, but it would have hardly been convincing. "I... I'll go to sleep now, if you don't mind."

"Sure. I'll make both beds."

"Thanks."

I went to the bathroom and let several tears fall down my cheek. 'So pathetic. I don't even deserve to live.' I looked in the mirror, at my teary face, trying to find anything worthy at me, anything to justify my existence. 'Eyes.' I recalled. 'Can these tear-soaked messes truly be the only good thing I have?' I tried to stop the flow of tears while I did my evening routine, eventually succeeding.

'They're not. Master, you're beautiful in many ways.'

I shook my head. 'I'm not, Arashi, I'm an awful person. I deserved everything which was done to me. I was a mean, sarcastic, self-pitying bitch. If I don't change soon, I'll lose all my friends from here too.'

'Master...'

'Don't bother deny it.'

I walked out of the bathroom. Shinji was resting in the doorframe leading to the bedroom. He grabbed my arm when I tried to pass him and go to bed.

"Why'd you cry?" he asked.

"What makes you think I cried?" I asked in turn, surprised. I always took care to leave no trace of tears on my face.

"I have my ways." Shinji answered vaguelly. "So why? You hide it well, I bet most people wouldn't notice. You hid from your parents, didn't you?"

"Yes." I answered.

"So what happened?" I stood silent. "Dammit, Zumi, I can't help unless I know what's wrong!"

"Who asked you to help?" I bit back. That seemed to piss him off.

"The fucking Soutaicho did! I'm responsible for both your physical and mental health!"

"Great! You're doing an amazing job! You hardly even know me!"

"Well, newsflash kid, I'm the one who knows you best!"

"That just shows how little everyone knows me!"

"That's cuz you're a little introverted wimp who won't open up no matter how much she needs it!" he yelled.

That hurt me worse that he could ever hope to understand. I ripped my arm from his grip and looked away, holding back my tears. I refused to cry in front of him, in front of anyone for that matter. Shinji seemed to realize his mistake instantly.

"Shit! I'm sorry, kid."

"I'm fine." I lied. 'It's not like you were wrong.'

"Che. Look at me, then."

I hardened myself, then looked at Shinji. He sighed, looking into my eyes. I knew he could read me, but didn't avert my look.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean what I said." he repeated. This time, I could tell that he truly regretted the words he had thrown at me in his small fit of anger.

"Forgiven, but not forgotten." I replied. "I want an ice cream tomorrow." I added, trying to ease the tension between us. I was still hurt by his words, but he didn't need to know that.

"Deal." Shinji conceeded. I smiled, then spun around, going to bed.