Disclaimer: Same 1-14.
The next morning John was buzzing around in the kitchen. The smell of a dark roast brew was lingering through the kitchen as John removed some toast from the toaster, placing it on a plate to be buttered. He had woken up at his usual time which was early for most people's standards. He hadn't slept well, if any, but he was determined to see to Anna's needs just as if he had slept blissfully.
"Is she still asleep?" Sharon whispered as she came into the kitchen.
"Yes. I'm fixing toast so I won't wake her up."
Sharon nodded in agreement and took a seat at the table.
He poured his momma's coffee onto her favorite mug and placed it in front of her on the table. He went back to the counter and buttered a couple pieces of toast and placed those in front of her as well.
"Thank you Johnny," she whispered.
He gave her a wink back.
"Morning."
They both turned their heads and noticed Anna standing there fully dressed.
"Good morning, sweetie. How are you feeling?" John asked kindly as he cautiously stepped a few steps closer to where she was standing.
"Fine. I think I'd like to go home now."
He was taken aback some by her words not expecting her to want to go home so soon.
"Anna, are you sure? I could make you some breakfast," he offered.
"I think I just need to be alone for a while," she said quietly, keeping her eyes fixed on some area of the kitchen floor.
"Take her home Johnny. Robert dropped her car at her house. He said the keys were in the mailbox," Sharon said, knowing Anna needed some time to figure all of this out for herself.
John was torn for a few seconds. It felt kind of like a metaphorical between a rock and a hard place. He wanted to hear what his mother and Anna were saying but also wanted to argue the fact she should stay. Of course John relented and finally spoke again.
"Let me go get your bag."
"It's by the front door," Anna said with a blank expression on her face.
His heart somewhat fell in his chest at the fact she had already packed up everything and placed it by the door. Was she really that eager to get away from there? Away from him?
"Okay, I'm grabbing my keys now."
He grabbed his keys, and Anna turned and walked to the door without saying a word to Sharon.
He opened the door and she went outside. He picked up her bag and closed the door behind him. He helped her up into the truck and put her bag in the bed of the truck. He started the engine and Anna just stared straight ahead. He put the truck into drive and started down the road. John would casually glance out of the corner of his eye to look at Anna. She seemed distance and didn't appear as though talking was anything she would care to do for a while.
They made it to her place, and he closed the truck door after getting out. He rounded the back end and reached for her bag. Placing it on the ground, he opened Anna's door and offered his hand to her. Without looking at him, she took his hand and got down out of the truck. Closing it back, he picked up her bag and walked her to the front door.
"I'm going to go get your keys from the mailbox," he told her as he placed the bag down again.
He walked the short distance and got the keys. He came back and unlocked her front door for her. She stepped inside and he followed her in. He placed the bag in the hall and shifted his weight nervously for a moment as he looked at her.
She finally spoke. "Thank you."
"You're welcome. Anything else I can do for you?"
She shook her head in reply and wrapped her arms around her middle.
"Okay, please put your phone on the charger in case you need me," he said, feeling as though everything about him leaving was wrong.
She nodded.
He waited in silence for a few moments to see if maybe she would change her mind. When he realized she wasn't going to he spoke again.
"I'm going now. I love you," he said softly.
"Love you," she said in a whisper.
He closed the door on his way out. She heard him get into his truck and drive away.
Making her way into the living room, she took the pastel crochet blanket from the back on the armchair and lay down on the couch. She balled up the blanket and turning on her side she laid her head on the blanket. Her mum had made her this blanket when she was just a child. It was one of the few items she had kept with her throughout her life. Anna felt a mixture of emotions as the silence of the room engulfed her. It was times like this when she wasn't sure how to do or what to do that she used the blanket. It was probably silly for her to still have a security blanket (which most would refer to it as that) but it helped her feel closer to her mum. She couldn't count the number of times she wished she could speak to her and this was one of those times. She could feel her emotions once again coming to the surface, and she allowed the tears to seep into the blanket. She told herself everything would be okay after she had some time to sort everything out.
When John arrived back at his home his mood had changed. He opened the front door and slammed it behind him.
"Johnny? Is that you?" Sharon asked.
"Yes," he replied irritably.
He strode through the house and up the stairs to his bedroom. Coming to stand in front of his chest of drawers, he opened one of the lower drawers and reached his hand up under the clothes until he found what he was looking for. Retrieving the items, he placed them in the back pocket of his jeans and closer the drawer. He descended the stairs again and as he passed the living room he spoke hurriedly to his mother.
"I think I need some air. I'll be back later," he said and left the house.
Sharon heaved a sigh after the door had closed. Although her eye site was bad, her ears worked perfectly well. She knew her son well, and the tone in which he used in the short time being back in the house told her everything she needed to know. John had always had the habit of blaming himself for when things went wrong or if he thought they had went wrong. That was why he had stayed so long with Vera. He felt it was somehow his fault his marriage was a disaster, so he would allow Vera to continue to manipulate him just so she could have her way. Sharon had tried to make John see the deterioration of his marriage was not completely on him. Vera was the one at the helm of its fall out. She was relieved when her son was finally free of her.
John drove to what he now called their field and put the truck into park. Getting out of the truck, he walked to the back, lowered the tailgate, and sat himself near the edge. He pulled the cigarette pack and lighter out of his back pocket he had retrieved from his room and lit one. It was a habit he rarely indulged in. He hadn't had one since he had met Anna but with everything that had happened in a short period of time he felt the need for it.
As he took a drag off the cigarette, he felt his thoughts slipping into the place he hadn't allowed himself to wander to in years. He had come a long way from his former self. It had taken a great deal of effort to change his life, but now he could feel the telltale sensations of his temper flaring.
He threw his hat behind him and aggressively ran one hand through his hair.
You introduced them. You are the reason he even knew her name! If he didn't have her name then he wouldn't have been able to find her on Facebook!
He flicked the ash off to the side, and placed it to his lips again.
You were the one who insisted she go. She asked you if she should stay!
His knuckles on his left hand turned white as he held onto the edge of the tailgate. He could tell his face was flushed from the heat he felt radiating off his skin.
You've always got to screw up don't you? She didn't even feel safe enough to stay with you today. Why weren't you there sooner?
His anger and bitterness quickly turned into grief and regret. He suddenly felt overwhelmed at the thought of Anna being harmed both physically and emotionally. He stubbed out the cigarette on the tailgate and continued to brood about his shortcomings.
A couple of days later John still had not heard from Anna. He had called, left messages, sent texts, and had even thought about just showing up at her house, but he thought maybe she didn't want him or anyone else around her. He had even called her workplace to see if she had went to work, and they had told him she wasn't in. His own job performance was severely lacking. He couldn't seem to concentrate on anything other than Anna. He was attempting going over some paperwork when Robert came through the doorway.
"What are you having for lunch today?" Robert asked.
"My usual," he said without looking up.
"Well instead of that do you want to go grab lunch? I'll buy." Robert offered.
John knew Robert didn't offer to buy lunch unless he had something he wanted to talk about.
"Alright, just let me finish this then we'll go," John said, looking up from the form he was filling out.
A half hour later they were sitting inside a steakhouse not too far from the farm. They ordered their food and Robert said, "So, I wanted to ask how Anna's been doing."
John wished he knew.
"She's been quiet."
"She just needs some time. She'll come around," Robert said assuredly.
"I'm sure," John replied halfheartedly. "Thank you for coming with me again."
"You've already thanked me plenty. You would do the same if Cora was in the same situation."
It was true. He would.
Silence reigned for a few minutes as John didn't know what else to say, and Robert didn't really know how to begin.
John took a bite of his roll as Robert stated, "Sybil's pregnant."
John about choked on the roll as Robert spoke those words.
"Pregnant?" John said with a look of disbelief as he attempted to keep his coughing spell suppressed.
"I know. I about had a heart attack right in the middle of the living room. It's that Tom Branson who got her pregnant," he said bitterly.
John thought Tom had been unusually quiet, and now he knew why.
"Tom is a good guy. He'll do right by Sybil and the baby," John said, trying to calm Robert down.
"He damn well better."
Their food came to the table and then Robert spoke again.
"I'm going to be a grandfather. Robert Crawley age forty nine a grandfather," he said as he stabbed his steak with his fork.
"How does Cora feel about it?" John said as he sipped his water.
"Oh she is just over the moon excited."
"It'll work out Rob. Sybil will be a great mom." John tried to cheer him up.
"Yes, out of all my daughters Sybil is the most nurturing."
They continued talking about Sybil and then veered off onto other topics. John was trying his best to be supportive and attentive to his friend, but trying to not think of Anna was like trying not to breathe. Robert paid the bill, and they made their way back to work.
John was in the loading area when he spotted Tom. John walked past him and Tom said, "Hey John."
"Hello, Tom," John replied as continued to walk. He knew Tom would tell him when he was ready. He didn't feel it was his place to bring it up.
He was checking on some deliveries when his message tone went off. He took his phone out of this pocket and opened the message app.
I love you.
The text wasn't long or detailed, but it was more than enough. Those three little words lifted the burden he had been carrying around at least somewhat. He knew by sending this she was telling him she was okay. He typed out his reply and sent it.
I love you too, sweetie. I'm here whenever you need me.
He stared at the screen for a few seconds and then slid the phone back in his pocket.
The following Saturday Anna heard her doorbell ring. She furrowed her brow and stood up from the couch. Making it to the door, she barely opened it to see who was on the other side.
"Miss Smith, its Sergeant Willis."
She opened the door a little more to confirm it was indeed the sergeant.
"Hello, Sergeant."
"May I come in?"
She opened the door fully and let him in. They walked into the living room and sat down.
"Miss Smith, I have some news in regards to Mr. Green."
Anna just looked at him expectantly, her fingers nervously fidgeting with each other.
"Mr. Green was successful in taking his life last night."
Her eyes widened, and her throat felt suddenly constricted. Had he just said what she thought he said? It took her a bit before she could even form a reply.
"I thought there was a guard?" she asked in a wavering voice.
"There was a guard outside of the room and when the guard went to use the facilities he killed himself. I will save you from the details of how it happened Miss Smith."
She remained speechless.
"I didn't come to upset you. I felt you needed to know there won't be a trial."
Anna got caught up in her thoughts. This was way too much to handle on her own. She finally realized she looked like she was miles away and replied to the sergeant.
"Yes, thank you."
"Please call if you need us."
They stood up and she let the officer out.
She could feel herself breaking down all over again. She was stupid to think she could handle this alone. She had been trying to cope with this for a week now by herself, and she didn't want to anymore. She ran to her room where her phone was charging. She picked up the phone and pushed John's name on the contact list. In two rings, he picked up.
"Anna?"
She was already sobbing.
"John. I thought I could and then he came by and.. I can't," she sobbed.
"It's okay. I'm coming right now."
She hung up and lay on her bed face down.
Not even five minutes later, John was pulling up to her house. He pushed all his dark thoughts and insecurities away, and walked to the door, using his key to get in. He strode into the living room and she wasn't there, so he went down the hall to her bedroom. She was lying face down on the bed. He felt his heart clench in his chest as he saw her shoulders shaking from her sobbing. He slowly walked into the room.
"Anna, I'm here," he said gently.
She turned on her side, and he went to the bed to lie next to her. He propped himself up on his elbow and wiped away a few tears.
"What happened?" He asked as he studied her tear stained face.
"He came and I can't believe... I shouldn't..." she stammered, trying to form complete sentences.
He put his hand gently on hers. "Anna take some deep breaths."
She did as he said. She took a few deep breaths and it helped her calm down.
When he saw she seemed calmer, he asked, "Can you try to tell me again?"
"Sergeant Willis. He came here a little bit ago."
"And what did he say?" He felt a little tense as he asked.
"He said. He said Mr. Green killed himself at the hospital overnight," she choked out.
He couldn't believe it, but also felt unashamedly relieved.
"But how? Wasn't there a guard?"
"That's what I said and he said he did it when the guard stepped away for a little while. He wanted to tell me there wouldn't be a trial."
He didn't know how to respond, so he laid his head down next to hers and placed an arm around her waist, being careful of her wounds.
They lay like that for a while then she spoke.
"Please forgive me John," she said through her tears.
"For what sweetie."
"For sending you away. I shouldn't have done that and it was foolish of me to think I could figure this out alone. I just couldn't take it anymore after Sergeant Willis left."
"You are not foolish. I am the one who needs forgiveness. I am the reason he even knew who you were."
He rubbed her side gently as he let guilt wash over him. If only he was there sooner maybe she wouldn't have been hurt at all, and of course Green would take his own life instead of facing what he did. He vowed to himself that nothing bad would ever happen to her again.
"Well, he's gone now," Anna said solemnly.
John soothingly rubbed her back and nodded in reply.
"This week has been horrible," she confessed as she wrapped her arm tightly around his middle. "I don't know what came over me. It was so much worse without you with me."
John felt instantly lighter and heavier at her words. It was nice to know she still felt the same for him, but at the same time he hated the thought of her going through all of this alone.
"Maybe you needed the time alone without realizing it."
She shook her head and then looked him in the eyes, "I missed you."
Giving her a soft, loving smile, he replied, "I've missed you too."
"I was so rude to your mother. Please tell her I'm sorry," she said suddenly.
"Anna she understands you went through a lot. She isn't mad at you. She loves you."
"I feel like a mess," she said attempting to smooth her hair.
He brushed her hair back and looked into her eyes, "You look beautiful."
She gave him a small smile.
"Would you like me to call your boss and get you some more time off?"
"No. I should go to work. I've already been out a week, and it will help me think of something else."
"If you change your mind please tell me," he said seriously but gently.
"I will."
She shifted herself even closer to him and her breathing evened out. John laid there as he watched her drift off to sleep. He would stay there as long as he needed to. As she slept he was trying to think of something to get her mind off what happened. She wanted to go to work so they couldn't do much during the week. An idea came to him that maybe they could take a weekend away somewhere. It was July so maybe the coast. He would have to have someone look after his momma but he'd figure that out. He wouldn't go much further with his thoughts until he could ask Anna if she even wanted to do something like that. A couple hours later she stirred.
Fluttering her eyes open, she saw John's caring eyes looking at her.
"How long was I out?"
"A couple hours."
"What? I'm sorry John."
"Please stop apologizing. It was nice laying here with you," he smiled and continued, "Have you eaten? I can make lunch if you want."
"I'm not very hungry. Can we just stay here for a while?"
He kissed her forehead and replied, "We can stay here as long as you like."
They stayed that way for a few hours more before they got up. John ended up making her dinner and making sure she had everything she needed. Anna eventually sent John back home so he could make sure Sharon was alright. Anna already felt some better after being with John all day, and she hoped throwing herself into her work would help ease her mind.
A couple weeks had passed since the day Anna found out about Mr. Green's actions, and John still hadn't mentioned getting away for a weekend. He talked himself out of it. He thought it would trigger memories for her since her attack happened on a weekend away. He had an idea, but it was simple. He would need to text her to see if she'd like to come over. After he finished his morning rounds, he took out his phone and sent her a message.
How is your day going?
Great and yours?
Going well. Are you busy with Gwen tonight? I know sometimes you are on Fridays.
No. We don't have any plans for this weekend.
Would you like to come over tonight? Say 7?
Yes, I will be there Mr. Bates.
Glad to hear it Miss Smith.
Anna used her key to unlock John's front door and stepped inside. She closed the door and walked into the living room where Sharon was sitting in her armchair.
"Hello, Anna dear," Sharon said with a smile.
"Hi, Sharon."
Anna walked over to her, gave her a hug, and Sharon reciprocated the action. Sharon and Anna had talked a couple of times since finding out. Anna was relieved and thankful to have Sharon to talk to. She was very understanding and encouraging, and they both seemed to have an even stronger bond after their chats, as Sharon always called them.
They broke the embrace, and Anna took a seat on the couch.
"Johnny is fixing us a light dinner tonight. I hope you don't mind."
"No, not at all. I'm thankful to be asked to dinner."
Sharon gave her a look and said, "You've been coming over here regularly for over three months now. You are no longer a guest."
Anna hadn't really thought about that. It was almost August. She and John had been seeing each other since the end of April. She smiled to herself at that realization. Just then, John came into the room.
"Hello", he said, giving Anna a kiss on the cheek.
"Hello to you too," she replied with a bright smile.
"Dinner is ready my ladies," he said as he waved his hand toward the dining room.
They all sat at the table and discussed their days as they ate. Anna talked about Mr. Brogan giving her the okay to increase some of the employees pay, and telling those employees was the highlight of her day. John talked about Tom and Sybil, but told them to keep it under their hats until Tom or Sybil brought it up. They finished their meal and cleaned up when John spoke to Anna.
"We're having dessert outside tonight," he said with a twinkle in his eye.
"Are we now," she replied with a grin.
"Yes, we are. I'll let momma know where we'll be then I'll grab the stuff."
Her curiosity peaked when he came back into the kitchen with a couple of bags, a blanket, and two metal skewers.
"Ready?" He asked.
"Yes."
She went to open the front door for him and closed it behind them. Opening the truck door, he put the stuff on the seat in between them and then went to her side to help her in the truck. Before he offered his hand he asked, "Are you still healing okay?"
"Yes, here look."
She lifted the back of her shirt and he could see a thin pink line where the stitches were still present.
"It's looking much better," he commented and she put her shirt back down.
He then helped her into the truck and circled around to get in himself. She looked over, peeking in the bags.
"No peeking, Miss Smith."
She pouted, "You're no fun."
"You won't say that once you know what's inside," he said with one brow raised.
She chuckled as they drove. He took them back out to their field. She looked out the window to see the hay bales pushed flat together next to the fire pit and wood already placed there. He grabbed the items and got out of the truck. She got out as well as he placed the stuff near the hay bales. He spread out the blanket in front of the bales and then went to work on lighting the fire.
"So, I'm guessing dessert needs a fire then," she said as she watched the wood catch fire.
"Indeed it does."
Once the fire was going he motioned for her to sit on the blanket, and he did as well. He started to take items out of one of the bags. He laid out graham crackers, marshmallows, and chocolate bars on the blanket. He also laid the metal skewers in between them. Anna was staring at the items on the blanket as he said, "We're having s'mores."
She looked up at him and smiled, "I've never had a s'more."
"Well, you are tonight," he said as his smile made his eyes crinkle.
He opened each package and placed two marshmallows on her skewer before placing two on his own. The look on Anna's face was priceless. He was content with his decision to keep it simple, and he loved how excited she got over the tiniest of things.
"Now, we'll hover them above the fire until the marshmallows turn brown then we'll build the s'more."
Anna tucked her knees up to her chest and looked at the fire. They placed the skewers over the flames. John instructed Anna on when he thought she should turn her skewer to get her marshmallows an even golden brown. He kept his eyes focused as the small pieces of white fluff began to change colors.
"Alright, you're almost ready. Get your chocolate on the graham cracker so you can place marshmallows on top."
She got it ready and then he told her to take them away from the fire. She was sliding her marshmallows off the skewer when she noticed his was on fire.
"John! Yours are on fire!" she said as she broke into a fit of giggles.
He quickly pulled them from the fire and blew them out. They were completely black.
"I was so busy making sure you had perfect marshmallows that I burnt mine," he laughed at his own self, "Good thing I don't mind them burnt."
He fixed his s'more with the crunchy black marshmallows, and they both took a bite of their s'mores.
"Wow, who would have thought this would taste so good," she said as she chewed. "How is your crunchy s'more?"
His eyes shifted to hers, and he noticed a playful grin etched across her face.
"Here take a bite of mine. I feel bad yours is burnt," Anna said as she placed her s'more near his mouth.
John leaned in and took a big bite.
"Hey! I said a bite not the whole thing!" Anna said as she looked at the little bit of s'more she had left.
John gave her a mischievous wink, and Anna just smiled and shook her head at him.
"We'll just have to make another one," he said after swallowing.
"So, you said you've never had s'mores. You didn't have things like s'mores in London?" He asked out of curiosity as he placed new marshmallows on his skewer after handing Anna hers.
"No. We have things like biscuits and tea cakes. The food here is altogether better."
"Well, at least that's one perk to living here."
Anna lifted her skewer from the flames and turned her head to seek out his gaze. When John met her gaze, she replied, "The food is not my favorite part of living here."
John smiled, and Anna sealed her meaning with a kiss.
After they finished their s'mores, he leaned back against the hay bale and asked, "Would you like for me to read to you?"
She looked at him and said, "You brought a book out here with you?"
He pulled a book from the other bag, "I did."
She looked at the book, "I didn't know you liked poetry."
"Just another surprise for you," he said with a smirk.
She beamed at his words and came to sit in between his legs with the back of her head lying on his chest.
"I take that as a yes?" He teased.
"Yes, it would be lovely."
He opened the book and began reading in a low, velvety tone by the firelight.
"i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)"
She listened attentively as he read each poem, accenting certain words with a change in volume. He always knew what to do or what to say to make her feel better. It was times like these when it was just the two of them doing nothing in particular that she liked best. He had never read to her before but now she found she loved it. It was so soothing to hear him speak. After a while, he stopped reading and put the book to the side. The fire was burning low as the night lingered on. She moved so her legs were over one of his, and she was cradled up against him. She put her arms around his middle and breathed in his scent. He wrapped his arms around her and held her close. They shared some gentle kisses and whispered sweet nothings as the fire began putting itself out. They didn't go any further in their intimacy that night. They didn't need to. They were sharing a moment that went beyond physical intimacy. They would stay there long after the fire went dim.
Thank you for reading! I treated the whole Green situation in the way I wished it had gone. The whole long draw out Green story line just irked me.
Poem by e.e. cummings - i carry your heart with me