My own army

by MorbidPet17

Amanda loses the only person she's ever cared about. Her sister is dead, she's convinced it wasn't just an accident but no one believes her. She finds herself going to such lengths to find who's responsible that she loses herself in the process. Will the squad be able to bring her back around or has she gone too far? Does she even care if she herself becomes a victim?

14. The Inquisition pt 2

Can you be in love with reviews? Apparently cause I am. Thank you all so much. I'm sorry it's taking me time to update, I'm making this a 3-parter just to get something out to you. We're in locations I've never ever been so it's taking time to research and for some (crazy?) reason I feel a need to honor Simon's/Mayhem's victims. I know their fictional but I can't help it, they're people just not victims.
And yay questions. About the drugs; I'm thinking Amanda was pretty much on them the last week(s) before Simon took her so his bunker became a harsh detox for her but the pain had a sobering effect on her. Then there was the hospital where she got on heavy medicine which she's still on. The night before she was facing off with Simon though she wavered and I think it was mostly anxiety but since drugs took her through some hard times during her 'undercover work' it was easy for her to slip back to it, to rely on it. I'm by far a drugs/medicine expert (I owe Google & Wiki everything I know) but I'm thinking she was still on drugs during that first day of interviewing but it wore down but the medicine combined with pain and all the emotions gets her through any withdraw symptoms there might be. Drugs will be an issue, some in this chapter and in one coming up. I don't want to spend too much time on the detoxing part though since there's just so much going on but I'll try and not just drop it cause it's a huge pet peeve for me when they do that on the actual show.
And as for how this interview will affect Amanda I think you might be on to something, expect something major ;)
And I'm so happy you picked up those 'familiar eyes watching'. Everything I write sorta has meaning, I do have this timeline I'm following and I have my scenario set up for Amanda's backstory that I purposely only give away bits & pieces off since I think Amanda does her best to forget everything about her past. Part of that little 'revelation' will be brought up during this 'inquisition' (probably not until pt 3 tho) but it will be up to you to decide whether or not she was assaulted or not. A bit cryptic but I hope you'll understand as you read on. I'm not sure if it will be totally exposed, I'm thinking it depends on whether or not Amanda wants to bring it up again. I'm not sure yet just how much she'll cooperate with giving her own statement and then if she's willing to undergo therapy or not. Time will tell…
Warnings for foul language, Simon might want to come off as pure but he's one filthy & disgusting man. Happy reading?

---

Chapter 12: The Inquisition pt 2

---

Fin lay down behind Amanda on the bed a little later, he wanted desperately to hold her but at the same time didn't want to crowd her. Her question still spun around his head. What if I'm still down there? He was hoping it was just the medicine talking but he feared it wasn't. He feared she still felt trapped and the fact she was now stuck with that monster in yet another room surely didn't help. Even if that monster was restrained he didn't blame her for being afraid of him.

He knew he had to step up. Knew he couldn't let Simon toy with him, to get him angry that easily. He had to protect his partner and he decided there and then, while listening to her calm breathing and with his fingers carefully stroking strands of her hair that were splayed out over the pillow, that he would do his very best to not lose his temper again. He made a silent prayer to not fail her.

A few hours later he woke up from her moaning. He feared it was a nightmare but when leaning over her he quickly saw she was awake.
"What's wrong?" he asked but he already knew, she was clutching her stomach.
"It hurts," she managed to breathe. He quickly climbed over her and came down on the floor next to her putting his hand on her forehead. It was clammy.
"It's no wonder, you didn't eat anything but toast yesterday," he said.
"Can I have some meds?"
"Okay, but then you're going to eat something, I don't care what time it is," he said and walked around to get her more pills. She failed to get up on her own and he had to help her.
"I'm going to go heat some dinner for you," he said once he'd laid her back down.
"I feel sick," she complained.
"And it will get better when you eat," he said and ignored the face she made.
"I'll be right back," he said and hurried so she wouldn't be able to get back to sleep.

So that's how he ended up reheating dinner at 3 am that he a few minutes later tried to feed her. She didn't say anything when he more or less forced her to sit up. Her face crumbled in pain while sitting up but at least the meds seemed to have had an effect on her tummy ache because she wasn't clutching it any longer. He took it slow. He'd mashed the potatoes with some butter and cut the meat in fine pieces. He stuck mostly to the potatoes as he could tell they were easier for her to swallow. It didn't take many bites though until she started gagging a bit and he reached for the trash bin.

She'd lost all color around her lips but with the trash bin in front of her the nausea seemed to subside and a little later he tried another small spoon. They kept going like that for a while. He tried feeding her between gags but then he got worried he was pushing it and since he wanted her to keep it down he helped her lay back down once the last wave of gags subsided. No one had said anything while she ate and her silence would continue in the morning.

She woke up in pain around 8 am and it woke him up too. After feeding her another two pills she started to get up and without really needing words he knew she wanted the bathroom so he helped her there. He left her alone and went to check his phone and after that waddled into the kitchen to set the coffee machine in case there wouldn't be more sleep. If she wanted to go back to bed though he wouldn't argue. He almost fell asleep while just sitting on the bed waiting for her.

After a while he started to get worried though, she'd been in the bathroom for ages it felt like and he went to check on her.
"You okay in there?" he asked having knocked softly on the door without getting any answer.
"Yeah," came her hoarse response after a few beats.
"You want coffee or try some more sleep?"
"Coffee," she said sounding less than certain though.
"You sure?"
"Yeah."
"Okay, I'll get it going," he said and yawned his way back to the kitchen.

It would be more or less all that was said between them that morning. She would mostly just nod and occasionally shake her head the rest of the morning. Did she want a straw in her coffee? One nod. Did she want a toast? One nod. Did she want anything on the toast? Headshake. Everything okay? One nod. Please eat your toast. No response. Do you want to get ready? One nod.

He got her a new tee and helped her get out of the one she'd slept in. He could tell she'd bled through the dressing on her back and she let her know that and that she had to let Melinda take a look at her today. Amanda gave him a brief nod and then he helped her get her new tee on. With his help she put on the same sweats as yesterday. He told her they should go through Ken's drawers and see if they could find her anything else that fit and again she just gave him a nod.

He tried convincing her to lie back down for a while as she looked so wiped out but she shook her head just once and then made her way back to the kitchen. He sent Cragen a text that they were on their way in and then hurried to get himself ready. Walking out he found her sitting by the counter, legs dangling and her lips around the straw to her coffee mug.

"Okay, I got your pills, is there anything else you need?" he asked but got only a short headshake before she got down off the chair and shuffled over to the door. He helped her get her sneakers on and could tell by her face her feet still hurt immensely. He offered to carry her down but she shook her head again and they started on their slow but steady descend down to the car. He'd gotten a parking ticket but just shoved it down his pocket after he'd helped her get inside.

Once they finally reached the station it was after 10 am and they hung around outside the precinct since Cragen hadn't replied to Fin's latest text if they should head straight down or not. Since he didn't want to run in to Simon unexpectedly he made her wait outside until Cragen suddenly showed up in person.

"He's seated already so you can come on in," Cragen said. Amanda started to climb the stairs and Cragen took Fin's lead and didn't offer a hand. He shot Fin a look but got a face in return he wasn't sure what it meant.

"Everything okay this morning?" Cragen asked a bit cautious. Fin gave Amanda time to answer but when too many beats went by Fin decided to jump in.
"Okay but not so talkative," he said hoping he wouldn't have to explain further. Cragen just nodded and they slowly made their way down. Liv, Nick, Eli and George were already in the connecting room but Liv stepped out once she heard the awaited company closing in.

"Hi," she smiled but could immediately tell something was off. Both Fin and Cragen looked wary and Amanda kept her head down watching every step she took, or more so shuffled.
"How you doing this morning Amanda?" Liv asked. Amanda focused on shuffling a few more steps further but then nodded a little making her hair, that was out today, bounce. Liv shot Fin a look but he still looked shifty.
"Does that mean okay or not at all in the mood to sit face to face with the psycho that tried to kill me?"

Amanda's face didn't move and when Amanda answered with a hoarse 'okay' Liv knew things were not and she drilled her eyes in their captain. Cragen gave her a discrete nod as he got her concerns.

"Look Amanda, you don't have to do this," he said.
"Yes I do," Amanda said shuffling further down the hallway. Liv gave Cragen a look but when he looked uncertain on what to do Liv hurried after Amanda which wasn't hard since she moved really slowly.

"We can postpone," Liv suggested, "Pick this up tomorrow, next week." Amanda kept moving though and since she was almost by the door Liv finally just stepped in between Amanda and the door.
"Look at me," Liv demanded and Amanda raised her head. Liv tried to get a read on her face but it was hard since it looked just blank and her eyes… they looked close to vacant.
"Are you in there?" Liv asked straight out. Amanda's eyes averted a little, her eyelashes flickered but then she looked back up at Liv as she nodded.
"Yeah," she said with a face just as blank as before. Liv held her eyes.
"He's the one in restraints now Amanda," she said passionately, "you are not. You're the one who can walk out, he can't. You're free, he isn't." She let that sink in a little but she couldn't see if Amanda grasped it or not. Amanda's eyes turned downwards.

"He can't talk to you any way he sees fit any longer," Liv said trying to keep her attention, "You don't have to listen to him. Do you hear me?" Amanda nodded but Liv wasn't satisfied since she kept her eyes hidden.
"Can you look at me?" Liv begged. Amanda looked back up exhaling slowly.
"I'm not liking this…" Liv wasn't sure how to put it nicely but finally just had to say it, "vacant state you seem to be in right now."
"What do you want from me Liv?" Amanda asked and the only thing that gave away any emotion was the slight sigh she let out, her tone was just flat though.
"I want to know what's going on inside there, how you're feeling," Liv tried to explain.
"I'm fine," Amanda said just as monotone. Liv shook her head.
"What?" Amanda sighed, shoulders slumping down even further.
"You're not fine Amanda, nothing is fine right now, not for anyone of us."
"Well I'm sorry if you're not fine but," Amanda turned her head back towards their captain, "Can I just go in now?" Cragen looked from Amanda to Liv, held her eyes for a moment and then looked back to Amanda and gave her a nod.
"Thank you," Amanda breathed quietly and just reached in behind Liv to get the door open. Liv let out a loud sigh, stepped away and then watched Amanda struggle to get her hand around the handle. Liv felt bad for just standing idle by and finally helped her get the door open.

"Thank you," Amanda mumbled and stepped in with her head down. Liv looked over at Simon who'd immediately looked a whole lot cheerful. She gave him a sharp look and then closed the door quickly so she could get in to the other room. Cragen had already stepped inside the other room but Fin lingered.
"Not fine," Liv closed to hissed at him as she passed.
"I know," he said quietly and followed her inside.

"Well good morning Amanda, did you sleep in a little this morning?" Simon smiled as Amanda sat down across him.
"Maybe you're one of those girls who need a bit of time in the morning to get ready? I don't recall you having a bad morning temper though." Amanda tried to block him out and she didn't have to try that hard. She felt numb. She'd felt numb since last night with a brief interruption when she woke up with an immense stomach pain. It would take Simon a while but he too would pick up on her numb state.

He'd thought about her all night. How God just must have wanted the two of them to meet. Like how this creature too had some mission. And it wasn't to ruin him, no it had to be something else. Something bigger. They shouldn't even have met, he never repeated a pattern and in the end it had got him caught. But there had to a greater reason for this, he just couldn't figure out what it was. He knew the exposure of his crimes would get him recognition, he would be seen for the first time since mother. People would look at him, and he had no illusions, some with disgust. The people who couldn't see the greatness would despise him but he was ready for that. He'd known this day could come, that everything had an end. Not even Jesus had been able to carry out his mission. So Simon wasn't sad, wasn't even scared, he was just in awe about what would come next. What God had planned for him. For the two of them.

"You moved to Bismarck," Amanda said trying to think back to where they'd left off yesterday but Simon wasn't ready to get started just yet.
"I like your hair like that," Simon smiled admiring her. Fin bit his cheek on the other side of the glass making a mental note to gather her hair up tomorrow or even later today first chance he got. Amanda threw Simon a look.
"It suits you, all those sultry, blonde locks. Is it true what they say, that blondes have more fun?" Simon chuckled a little.

"I'm going to start the interrogation now," Amanda said looking back into the file.
"No wait," Simon begged leaning forward, "can't we just small talk first, ease in to it?" Amanda really didn't feel like joining in on his little mind games today but she kept quiet for a while as Simon just studied her. He could tell she seemed a bit off today, he knew she was hurt but he just wished she could be a little more like yesterday. Yesterday had been so much fun.

"You're a natural blonde right?" he asked not being able to just sit quiet. Amanda just kept looking back at him. Simon shot the window a look and then leaned in over the table a little keeping his voice low but not too low, he wanted the people behind the window to hear it;
"I mean I couldn't really tell since you're shaved down there and…" Simon started snickering when Amanda shook her head and looked back down again.

"You moved to Bismarck," Amanda said trying to gain some volume to her voice, "You got a job, blended in. You liked riding in your car so when you had to take a vacation you drove to Sioux Falls. You want to take it from there?"
"Okay okay, yes I drove to Sioux Falls. Have you been?" Amanda decided to just give in and shook her head.
"No? Oh you should, it's beautiful. Falls Park is just magnificent. You like being outdoors?" Amanda just sat still and finally Simon just continued; "They have some nice museums too, it's nice to mix things up. They have a battleship memorial. Oh and a shooting range, that you might like? Well if your hands heal of course." Simon shot her a pity smile.

"And a really nice Italian restaurant, what was its name again?" Simon tried to think hard but came up empty, "oh it will come to me. Steak houses too if you prefer that. And of course they have caverns of sin too. Casino, roadhouses, bars, strip joints. Some not as classy as your dear Bare Assets. You were really good at that by the way. I can't have been your first time. Did you get through college by stripping perhaps? Or as an extra gig perhaps? I bet all cops have some dirty sides, some outlets."

"What happen in Sioux Falls?" Amanda asked. They'd just started and she was already tired of his voice. This would be a long day. Simon sat back with a smirk.
"Okay I spotted her the very first day there. My eyes started to draw toward blondes, I hadn't refined my script just yet but I was getting there. She was working the street."

"You must have gone looking for her though? How else did you just run into her? A… pure man like you must've despised a place like that, shun from it," Amanda blurted out. Simon's face became a bit stale but he didn't look angry.
"You're right, I do despise places like that. Sin and vermin on every corner, in every alley, in every doorway. But just like you, oh wait I mean Amanda not Shay, I'm not sure who you are today yet," Simon watched her but she didn't react so he just went on, "The police are drawn to places like that, they have their mission and I have mine, I'm looking for lost souls to help and they are mostly around the darkest place you can find. I just look for that one soul, I don't look at the other degenerates."

"So you found a blonde in Sioux Falls, who was she?"
"Back then I didn't watch them as long, I didn't find out their name beforehand. I was rather quick in my judgment, just made sure they were in need of my help and then I tried to get them alone. I watched this girl drive away with three different men that night, each time they just parked in an alley or a block away and it was no question what she was doing while parked. And I saw that her laugh was contrived, that her smile was fake and she hated hanging around those other foul girls. She was miserable so I made her my mission."
"How? How did you do it?" Amanda asked when he didn't say anything.

It was Simon's plan. He'd been so eager to talk yesterday he'd only gotten the chance to ask her three questions, he knew he had to be smarter. He wanted to know more about her. Wanted to know what it was that made God think she was so special, why God had saved her.

He went on to tell her how he'd gotten her to get inside his car, how he'd knocked her out and driven her out of the city. His plan had been to take her to Black Hills, to maybe rent one of the cabins and string her up like Martha. She'd started to wake up though and he'd ended up stopping at the Badlands national park. He brought her out there, forced her to walk on her own, threatening her with a knife. He'd brought rope and some tent pins. He'd tied her down spread eagle on the ground there in the woods. He'd gaged her since she'd been screaming so much. He'd spent the morning, as the sun so beautifully rose, making small carvings on her body. He'd managed to get her name, her age and where she came from. She wasn't originally from Sioux Falls, she was from Sioux City. A runaway with abusive parents. She'd accepted God as her almighty and Simon as her savior not many hours later and he'd choked her.

Amanda had to ask two more questions to get all that out of him and then a third one to confirm the victim was 23 year old Joanne Jefferson. Joanne had been reported missing at 16 but with two parents who didn't seem to miss her all that much Joanne had stayed missing until she was found buried in the Badlands late summer 1984, two months after she'd been murdered. She had multiple superficial knife wounds but had died of choking. It hadn't been hard to find out what she'd done for a living but no one had seen her gone missing or even missed her on the street. Joanne Jefferson had died without a single soul missing her but at least now her murderer was caught.

Simon then tricked Amanda into asking two rather useless questions and his smile told her it was his turn to ask one. She pushed the file back up at the table and just waited as he again took his time.
"I think I want to know something about your sister," Simon said rather quickly. He looked for a reaction on Amanda's face but none came.
"After all I've told you all about mine. I'm thinking Linda and… Kim was alike for some reason. Or perhaps Kim was the good sister and you the… not so good." Simon looked amused at her but Amanda kept her straight face, it wasn't hard, she just felt so numb inside.

"Tell me your fondest memory of your sister," Simon asked. Amanda pulled a deep breath.
"And I want the most fondest, not some semi fond one, give me the one that pulls your heart strings just thinking about it now that she's dead and gone."

Liv gritted her teeth on the other side of the window. Simon was really trying to dig in, hit where it hurt the most. But she was more concern right now about the fact Amanda's face hadn't even changed when Kim's name was mentioned. Whenever her sister's name had been mention previously her face had reacted somehow, from a complete melt down to some smaller twitch, but now nothing.

Amanda gave it some thought. There was a lot she missed about her sister, and a lot she didn't miss. There were some good memories but most of them bad. The fondest? She wasn't really sure there had been one. She loved her sister but there was always so much pain right in there, so much anger and rage blended in.

"My fondest memory…" Amanda whispered with her eyes somewhere in the distance. Why was it so hard, she'd loved her sister hadn't she? Of course there was also the fact who she had to tell it to, and it wasn't just Simon. She had a whole room listening in as well. She couldn't tell them how she loved having someone to cuddle up to when she was cold because the electricity hadn't been paid for or someone who stroke her cheek gently when the rest of her body had been manhandled by their mother or just someone to keep her company when locked out in the dark cold night. They were all fond memory for her but someone else would probably just see them as tragic. She didn't need them all to look at her with even more pity in their eyes.

"Amanda?" Simon asked gently and brought her back to present. Amanda's eyes focused back on him.
"How she always relied on me to make everything better," Amanda said quietly but with a steady voice, "how she, even when adult, thought I could change everything to the better. That I could save her from… anything."
"Anyone?" Simon asked and Amanda nodded. Simon looked a bit trouble, he looked honestly concern but it went against anything they all knew about him so it was hard to buy. There was a long pause where Simon just held Amanda's eyes and she seemed almost in trance.

They started to stir a little in the next room. Threw each other a few looks, unsure on what do to but all of them wanted to break the trance. Finally though Amanda moved a little on the chair and stroked a loose strand behind her ear with trembling fingers. When blood left her hand it seemed the twitches in her fingers got worse and she put her hand down in her lap again so she could put it out of her mind.

"Who became your next angel?" Simon smiled at the right use of the world. He hoped she was getting around, that she was maybe starting to get they weren't victims.
"I used to drive home a lot, visit mother's grave.
"That's a long drive."
"Mother was worth it. She gave me life, it was a small sacrifice. And it was getting close to the anniversary of my sister's death and I decided to rent one of those cabins in Black hills, stay a few days. I didn't get the same one as where I and Martha saw the light together but it was near-by. I could feel her presence too. I drove into town that night to get something to eat and then I saw someone who looked so much like Linda I for a moment believed she was still alive."

Amanda listen to him keep describing the girl with many attributes but they all came down to the fact she was blonde, blue-eyed and carried herself in the same manner as his sister had done. She tried to keep focus but thoughts of her own sister kept creeping in and distracted her from time to time. Simon didn't seem to pick up on it at first though but when he asked her a question and she didn't respond he got weary.

"Huh what?" Amanda asked once he managed to drag her from her thoughts. She'd just been back to the very first time she'd met Jeff, the man who held her sister's heart even though he constantly beat her and treated her like garbage.

Simon looked a bit pissed and he shot a long look at the window to make a point.
"Why do I get a feeling you're not really present today Amanda?" he said once he turned back to her and Amanda tried to sit up a bit on her chair to make a more attentive impression.
"Like you're not even interested in my story."

"I'm sorry, I'm just…" she wasn't really sure how to describe the state she felt she was in. The fact he had no right to challenge her didn't even cross her mind.
"You're not interested in knowing what happen to all those girls? And men?"
"Yes, yes I am, I'm sorry, I…"
"Sorry won't cut it, you need to behave or this session is over."

"I will, I'm sor," she caught herself and managed to bite the sorry down, "I'm listening, really listening now." She felt it hard to hold his eyes, he was just looking at her with such intensity it felt as though he could see straight through her if she let him. Simon started to look smug again, he liked the control he had over her and he just had to figure out how to use it to his advantage.

On the other side of the window Liv was doing her best to keep quiet but her whole body, the way her arms were crossed in front of her, her set jaw and the tapping of her foot, gave away she was close to bursting. She kept throwing angry looks her captain's way but he knew not to look back. She was just so angry Simon was the one who got the chance to bring Amanda back when it was their job. It was their job to protect her and the fact they let her sit face to face with this devil and let him keep toying with her was just a travesty.

"Is it your sister?" Simon asked on the other side of the window and brought Liv a little out of her angry state.
"Is it thoughts of her that block your mind right now?" Amanda just looked at him, she didn't feel like answering him and it wasn't his time anyway.

"What year was this? The anniversary of her death, the blonde girl that looked like her," Amanda asked.
"1985," Simon said with a grin all over his face. Amanda went into the file and found the photo she knew should be in there. She jumped over the photo of the blondes dug up body and the photo of her on the autopsy table. She tried to block out the sight of her missing left hand but it hurt in Amanda's own hand. At least she had her hand she thought to herself but then images of the saw being placed on the table in front of her jumped inside her mind and she felt a wave of nausea hit her. For a few seconds she thought she would puke and her left hand started shaking noticeably. She put it down in her lap but Simon had already spotted it and he'd seen her face go completely white as well. Amanda caught a look of her own blonde hair and for a few seconds she felt as though she was this girl. Her left hand was gone and she was dead, completely dead. It was only for a few seconds though but it rattled her and suddenly she felt very alert. She used only her right hand and put the photo of Shannon Morrison up on the table.

"Was this the girl?" she asked and the smile on Simon's face was evidence enough. He picked the photo up.
"Yes, yes it is," he whispered. He looked at it hard and long but then turned to Amanda.
"She looks very much like Linda doesn't she?" Amanda nodded.
"Her name was Shannon right?" he asked and actually didn't seem to know.
"Yes," Amanda said simply and watched as Simon's eyes again got mesmerized by the photo.
"Yeah, it was engraved on her necklace. She wouldn't tell me you know, she wasn't so talkative. A bit like you." Simon chuckled as though he remembered something funny. Amanda wasn't sure if it was about her or Shannon.

"What did you do to her?"
"I followed her that night. Not that I knew everyone in town but I had a pretty good notion about the low lives of Rapid City. It was basically the same filth and prostitutes as a couple of years earlier. She was new though, kept a little to herself. Made me think she might not have been in town that long, might not know that many people. She seemed a little bit older and someone rejected her, drove away without her getting inside. It happen a second time so then I drove up instead. And she really looked like Linda if she could've lived like twenty years longer. I'm not sure Shannon looked a bit ragged. How old was she?"
"30."
"Yeah, she looked closer to 40. She had needle marks in her arms. She looked like she was in deep need of help."

"So you helped her?"
"Yeah, I brought her to the cabin. It was late but I also told her no one could see her go in, that I was afraid of my reputation. It was just so easy. She went into the bathroom while I fixed us some drinks which were what I told her. She shot up in there and when she came out she looked very vacant. A bit like you this morning actually. Did you shot up Amanda?"

The very subtle and brief glance she made towards the window didn't go unnoticed by him and he wondered what that was about. He decided to keep it for later though, right now he wanted to remember Shannon and all the things that had transpired that night.

"We sat down, she had her drink and we small talked. I'm not sure about what and I could tell she wasn't that in to it. She just wanted to get over with it, get her money and get out of there. She had no real interest in me."
"Does that bug you? When people don't pay you attention?" Amanda asked surprising herself.
"It can but I know that my mission demands that I blend in and if people not pay me attention it's actually a good thing. I mean did you see me there? Around you?"

Amanda felt a bit cold. She knew he had been watching her but it was scary to just think about. She had seen his eyes but she could actually not say when or even where. They'd just been there all of a sudden and she'd managed to draw them. She knew she had seen him more than once. And she had not seen his eyes behind the glass down in the dungeon so it had to be somewhere else. She was both hoping and dreading to find out where they'd met before he took her to his playroom.

He dropped his question though and just continued telling her about a few ways he'd used to blend in. How moving to the big city meant some changes, like not dressing up in church. How it bothered him a bit that people lacked in their worship, how church should be a high spiritual event and how mother always made him wash up and dress neatly for a sermon.

"But I adapted, it was what God expected of me so I did."
"What happen with Shannon in the cabin?" Amanda asked when Simon stayed quiet.
"She finally just asked how I wanted it done. I told her I liked a bit of role playing and that I would like to call her Linda. She didn't seem to have a problem with it but she wasn't that into it either. I told her I liked it a bit rough and to tie her hands down. Again she seemed okay with it but not that into it. I put rope around her wrists, a noose around each and led her to the bedroom. I'd put plastic on the bed and I could tell she got a bit weary."

"You'd put plastic on the bed, before you drove out that night?"
"Yes," Simon said not realizing it made for intent, that he had planned all along to bring someone back. It made her wonder if anyone else had died. If he'd killed just for the killing at times. She knew she had a lot of missing posters in her folder, women never found. She knew she had to try and find out if he had anything to do with anyone of them, that if she didn't try she would hate herself for it later but also it felt as though they were getting closer to him asking her a question and that scared her more than she liked to admit.

"So… she still climbed up though and she let me tie her down to the bed post. I really liked those cabins, everything carved out of solid wood." He went on to give her a detailed account of the cabin, how even most of the furniture was carved out. Not the table though he pointed out and winked at her.

"What happen in that bedroom?" she asked to get him moving on.
"You know what happens in a bedroom," he tried to joke and made himself laugh at least. She kept her face still though and he settled back down showing some indications that he was upset she didn't find it funny too.

"Okay I undressed her, you got that bit down to a t don't you?" he said with a cocky tone, "And I looked her over a little. She had bigger breasts than Linda. And she had an appendix scar, looked sloppy done. The needle marks in her arm creases looked horrible and I told her that. She had some on her thigh as well. She was a real junkie. I sure hope you stay away from the needles Amanda, they trash you down real fast. Not that you need help in that department though." Simon snickered a little.

"You called her Linda during this?" Simon seemed to think about it.
"I don't think I called her anything but whore. And speaking off, it's my time to ask you one." She felt like wiping that smug grin off his face but just kept still. She wished she could lean back against the chair, sitting up like this was straining and she had to remind herself to straighten up all the time.

"I want you to tell me about your earliest scary memory," he said without having to pay it much thought. And she didn't have to think about it long either. She knew immediately which one it was, it had been in her nightmares plenty of times. She tried to push it back now though, think of something else. Like if a dog or anything had ever scared her, she knew it had to sound reliable.

"C'mon, give it to me," Simon said just sensing she was trying to deflect from something. Think Amanda. Her head was racing.
"Tell me, I can see you're thinking of something and it looks scary even from here," Simon looked smug. Amanda swallowed hard knowing she couldn't get around it. She was just too dense, too daft, too slow, too pitiful to even think right now.

"I…" she tried to think of a way to get around it, to at least leave bits out of it. She threw a glance towards the window. She didn't want them to know either. She didn't want them to know how pitiful she was. What a sad little creature she'd been. Simon already knew, it was no real point hiding it from him, and Fin knew to some extent but she didn't want the rest to know how weak she could be.

"C'mon," Simon said getting inpatient. He liked the fact though that she seemed so scared of what the people on the other side of the window would think of her, that it still seemed to matter to her. It made him also think that she might not have told them everything, that he in fact perhaps knew more of what she'd been up to while going after him on her own. That knowledge could prove really useful.

"My earliest scary memory is..." Simon started it for her, spelling the words out slowly.
"Sitting in the dark," Amanda's voice was low and fragile, "with my sister crying next to me." She inhaled slowly, trying her best to not go back to that dark place.
"Sitting where?" Simon asked.

"You had your question," Amanda tried.
"No, I wanted the full memory, you haven't given it to me yet. Sitting where?"
"In a closet," Amanda said after giving him a cross look.
"Why was your sister crying?"

Amanda gritted her teeth a little, tried to not make her eyes sway towards the window and too keep her face detached.
"Someone was pounding on the door, screaming, trying to get in, it scared her."
"Did it scare you too?" he asked and Amanda nodded.
"Who were trying to get in?" Simon looked very intrigued, almost hanging over the table. Amanda took shallow breaths, she didn't want to feed this troll anything more.
"Amanda, who were on the other side of that door?"
"Mother."

Her answer was barely noticeable but Simon heard it and sat back with a gasp escaping his throat. Her mother too? Had she been just as physical? Just as rough? They were more alike than he'd even imagined. Simon felt astonished. What did this mean for their relationship? Was this the reason God had put the two of them together? Were they each a side of the mirror? At first it scared him a little but then he realized he'd chosen her for a reason, she would understand him better than anyone. They shared something, a fear of their mother. What else did they share he wondered.

"Now doesn't that feel good to get off your chest?" Simon smiled once he'd taken a few breaths. Amanda looked anywhere near happy or relived though.
"What did you do to Shannon after you undressed her?"
"You know what," Simon said clearing his throat, "I'm kind of thirsty." He coughed a little to make it more believable.
"Can I get something to drink in here?" he asked facing the window.

It didn't take long until Nick walked in unscrewing the cap of a water bottle. He looked less than service minded and pulled back the bottle when Simon tried to reach for it. Simon looked amused.

"You think I'm going to try and kill her with it?" he snickered.
"You want some water or not?" Nick asked less amused and Simon finally cooperated and took a few mouthfuls of water. Nick glanced over a few times Amanda's way but she kept her head down.

"You want some too Amanda?" Cragen suddenly asked from the door and made both Amanda and Nick jump a little. Amanda shook her head quickly though.

"You're done?" Nick asked but Simon shook his head.
"Just give me a minute," Simon said licking his lips a little, "I need to swallow." Simon glanced over Amanda's way, he caught the brief glimpse between the two detectives as Amanda finally peeked up a little.
"So how about you detective?" Simon asked and Nick gave him a strange look.
"Have she let you have a taste too?" Nick shook his head at him.
"You want some more or not?" he asked losing his temper fast.
"She swallowed you too? Did you do a bit of eating too?" Nick thought about shoving the bottle down his throat.

"Amaro." His captain's voice brought him back from his thoughts.
"Step out," Cragen said once he had Nick's attention.
"Now," Cragen repeated once Nick didn't move. Nick threw Amanda a look, she'd again put her head down, and Nick turned around and walked out. Simon met Cragen's eyes before the door was shut again. Simon did a clicking sound with his tongue.

"Boy your colleagues are a bunch of stiffs aren't they?" he asked turning his attention back to Amanda.
"They can't take a joke. I'm grateful you're not like that Amanda. I'll take your company over theirs any day."
"I asked you a question," Amanda said without looking at him.
"Oh? Can you repeat it?" Simon said and chuckled once Amanda gave him a stare.
"I'll only count it once I promise," he winked.
"What did you do to Shannon after you undressed her?" Amanda repeated.

"Yes Shannon. So she was naked, tied down on the bed. She was really calm through it all, I think it was the drugs but there was obviously some death wish there too. Again I had the paddle with me and I tried tying some knots around her limbs, shut off blood supply, I'd read somewhere it was supposed to be painful. It did look a little bit painful. She wouldn't read with me out of the bible though. It took some convincing to get her talking."

"How did you convince her?"
"You really want to know all the dirty little secrets don't you?" Simon taunted her a little.
"You want to relive some of the moments we had together perhaps? Some of the bonding we did. Too bad your so-called friends are listening in though, the last thing I want to do is make you feel self-conscious." Simon leaned in over the table which made Amanda retract as much as she was able to without putting her back against the back of the chair.

"I don't want you to feel ashamed about the things we did together."
"We didn't' do anything together," Amanda whispered a bit baffled.
"But we shared so much Amanda. When you were Shay you were just…" Simon made a pleasurable noise. Amanda threw some anxious looks towards the window.
"I didn't…" she whispered.
"You were so sweet, so cooperative. Your touch, oh I loved your touch."
"I never…" Simon kept ignoring her.
"The way we just fit together, like we were made for each other Amanda. And the sounds you made while we were making love."
"We didn't," Amanda said louder getting more agitated, "we never… we never slept together."

"How do you know?" Simon asked and Amanda froze with her eyes stuck on him. Had she? She was rather sure nothing like that had happen down in his bunker. Waking up next to Gordon she'd felt that something had happen even though she hadn't been conscious through it all but she hadn't felt anything like that while passed out in the bunker. But what if it had happen earlier? He'd been at the mansion. She knew he'd seen her with Sierra, he'd mentioned homosexual activities.

Amanda rose up so quickly her chair fell backwards. Even Simon got a bit stunned. She couldn't feel any pain under her feet, she felt nothing but blood pounding on the inside of her head and she had a hard time breathing. She rushed to the door, fumbled with the handle which just made it even harder to breath. She got out just as Cragen and Nick came in through the other door. Amanda rushed down the hallway, grabbed the first door she could find as all she could see further down was just a wall, nowhere to run but she knew from experience a door could give cover. She found herself surrounded by a few bunks. She heard steps right behind her and if she wasn't already panicking she knew she would in just a few seconds.

When it was Fin that entered she was able to at least pull one breath and it saved her from passing out.
"What's going on?" he asked nervously. He tried reaching for her but she fought him off and he backed up immediately.
"Amanda talk to me," he begged worried she would pass out at any time.

"I didn't," she managed to heave out with some strain. She didn't make any sense to Fin.
"Just breathe," Liv said stepping up to Fin's side. She'd been right behind Fin as he ducked out of the observation room as Amanda fled the interrogation room.
"Take a few deep breaths Amanda," Liv urged her taking yet another step towards her. Amanda took one short breath but was too agitated to leave whatever it was that was so urgent to her left unsaid. There were no words coming out of her throat though, just gasping.

"C'mon Amanda, breathe with me," Liv said and started pulling deep breaths herself. It was obviously hard for Amanda to get air down but she did try and mimic Liv. Liv had her hands up in the air and as Amanda started to breath with her she dared to put a light hand on her upper arm.

Tears had started falling down her face and as Amanda got more aware she tried to wipe them away with the back of her hands.
"Don't worry about that," Liv said shaking her head, "just breathe." The wheezing in Amanda's throat started to calm down as she got more air down into her lungs.

"You're doing good," Liv encouraged her, making sure though that her tone wasn't patronizing in any way. She knew Amanda resented being handled with care even if there was just no other way she could be treated right now.
"I didn't," Amanda repeated and Liv paid her all the attention she deserved.
"You didn't what?" Liv asked quietly, her eyes moving back up to Amanda's eyes from the tremble in the young detective's lower lip.

"Nothing happen down there, he didn't…" Amanda couldn't say it out loud but could count on Liv to understand.
"It's okay honey, we know he's just playing mind games okay?" Liv reassured her, "you don't have to worry about what we think happened."
"But he didn't…" Amanda said her breath quickly picking up again.
"Okay, okay, nothing happen down there. I hear you." Liv tried to put her hand on the side of Amanda's face but she shied away and Liv put her hand back down on her arm instead.
"Nothing happen," Liv repeated to help Amanda get back to breathing. Amanda's face crumbled though and a flood of tears poured out as her eyes got squeezed shut.

"I need…" she managed to breath.
"What Amanda? What do you need?" Liv tried helping her out but she had no idea what was going on inside of Amanda's head.
"A scar," Amanda managed to say between gasps.
"A scar?" Liv asked. Amanda took a step to the side, looking for Fin's eyes and he was right there to come to her aid.

"What?" he asked. Amanda took a few quick breaths and seemed to really focus on being able to talk.
"Does he," Amanda breathed in before she continued, "have a scar? On the leg." Liv and Fin exchanged glances before Fin met Amanda's eyes again and he shook his head a little as he didn't make sense of anything.
"He doesn't?" Amanda asked with an increased anxiety level.
"Simon? I don't know," Fin said.
"Can you check?" she begged.
"For a scar? On his leg?" Amanda nodded.
"Right thigh, inch long," Amanda said and Fin gave her a brief nod before he headed back out.
"He'll take care of it," Liv said once he walked out, "c'mon let's sit down." Liv tried to get her over to one of the bunks but Amanda seemed reluctant to and they just remained standing.

"What's going on?" Cragen asked once Fin stepped out. Nick was waiting right behind their captain.
"I have to check something," Fin mumbled and hurried back towards the interrogation room. Eli was standing a little further down the hall and he got the head nod Cragen gave him and he followed Fin inside. They were of course worried what Fin was up to but Eli could see Fin looked more determined than in attack mode.

"Stand up," Fin told Simon and helped him to his feet when he took his time. Simon looked amused but got a bit stunned as Fin started to pull up the right leg in his orange jump suit.
"What are you doing?" Simon asked and looked to Eli for reinforcement.
"Shut up," Fin hissed. He was lucky Simon had sleek legs and the jump suit was as usual a few sizes too big. He pushed up the pant leg as far up as possible and looked the thigh over for a scar with both his eyes and hand.

"No scar right?" Fin asked Eli since he wanted to make sure.
"Scar? What?" Simon asked while Eli stepped forward to give the thigh a look.
"Oh," Simon suddenly said as he grasped what not even Fin had grasped yet.

"She doesn't even know who she's slept with," Simon snickered as Fin let the fabric drop and started to move back towards the door.
"Your partner is a slut," Simon said loudly after him making Fin stop in his tracks. Fin turned back and Eli got ready to intervene.

"Do you also pay her when you fuck her?" Simon grinned and Fin took a step back. Eli was quickly there though and put a hand on Fin's chest. "Do you get a better rate than the rest of them?"

"Go to her," Eli said quietly, "she needs you." Fin heard him and sobered up quickly.

"She's probably screwed everyone in this station," Simon yelled after him not coming up with anything better but Fin kept walking.
"Sit back down," Eli said firmly as he turned back.
"Oh don't worry sergeant she'll probably screw her way down to your precinct in no time," Simon snickered as he sat down.

Fin walked back down the corridor, passing Cragen and Nick again. He found Liv and Amanda standing by one of the bunks, Liv had her hands on both of Amanda's arm and she was rubbing them gently as they still seemed to breathe together. Amanda broke away from Liv the second Fin walked back in though. Her eyes were overflowing with apprehension as she looked to Fin for an answer. Fin shook his head.

"No scar," he said to make it more clearer.
"You sure?" Amanda asked, her voice stalking up in her tight throat.
"I'm sure, there's no scar."

Amanda's face crumbled again and she raised her hands to her head.
"Oh my God," she whispered. She was just so full of contradicting emotions she wasn't sure where to go.

"C'mon sit down now," Liv said and this time she managed to get Amanda to sit down on one of the single bunks. Amanda tried to fight the sobs that started to escape her throat. Liv gave Fin a nod and he turned to walk back out. He was grateful he didn't have to deal with those tears right now. He could do it in the privacy of his apartment but right here it got too real for some reason. He shut the door behind him.

"Is she okay?" Cragen asked. Fin just looked at him and Cragen got the answer.
"We're breaking for lunch," Cragen said just to say something.
"Are you going to let him keep taunting her like that?" Nick asked. Cragen sighed.
"No, I'm going clarify things. I'll make sure he understand his time with her is over if he keeps this up."

---

"Have mercy on me, God, in accord with your merciful love; in your abundant compassion blot out my transgressions. Thoroughly wash away my guilt; and from my sin cleanse me. For I know my transgressions; my sin is always before me. Against you, you alone have I sinned; I have done what is evil in your eyes." (Psalm 51: 3-6)

---

Liv rubbed her hand over Amanda's shoulder. She wanted her to know it was okay to cry but Amanda kept fighting the tears. She wasn't sure how to approach this. She knew Amanda was in the middle of an interrogation so breaking her down even further right now wasn't a good idea but still, Liv knew Amanda needed to talk about everything she'd gone through these past months.

"Who was the man with the scar?" Liv asked carefully, watching attentively to Amanda's reaction. It seemed the question had a calming effect though as Amanda had to focus on something.
"Who was he?" Liv tried again once Amanda's eyes had gone passed her a few times.

"He wore a mask," Amanda whispered. Her eyes stayed away from Liv's and Liv saw one of her hands move up to her neck and it lingered there.
"Was he also at the Dungeon?" Liv tried knowing it wasn't the man who had raped her as Simon was on the other side of the glass at that time. Amanda shook her head.
"The mansion," Amanda whispered.

"What happen at the mansion Amanda?"
"A lot of… sinful things."
"And the man with the mask, what did he do?" Liv dared to ask since Amanda seemed to be in a bit of a daze.
"He put a belt around my neck." Amanda's voice was so small Liv could barely hear it.
"What else?"

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. Liv watched Amanda's eyelashes flicker rapidly and then it was like a veil lifted.

"I don't want to talk about it," Amanda said with a bit more volume to her voice and she turned more inwards on the bed, away from Liv.
"Maybe it will feel better if you do?" Liv tried. Amanda seemed to contemplate it.
"Nothing can make it feel better," she then whispered though.

"Amanda," Liv said and reached out to put her hand on Amanda's arm.
"Don't touch me," Amanda said quickly and Liv pulled her hand back respecting Amanda's wish. Amanda slowly lay down and her face relaxed a little as her upper body settled down on the bunk. Liv just stayed seated next to her as it didn't look like Amanda wanted to lie down more properly.

Soon there was a soft knock on the door and Nick popped his head in. He gave Liv a nod once he got a sense of the situation and she gave him a short nod back.
"We're breaking for lunch, want me to get you something?" he asked with a low voice. Liv threw Amanda a look, she'd closed her eyes.

"Please do but I think we'll rest for a bit," Liv said just loud enough so he could hear her. She knew Amanda needed to eat, she was still so thin, but rest was also important right now so it was hard to choose between the two. Nick gave her a nod though and closed the door behind him as he went out to get lunch for all of them.

Amanda wouldn't eat anything though and Liv would only grab a few quick bites once she was back behind the window again. Cragen had made sure Simon realized the interrogation would only continue if he wised up. Cragen used Simon's own scripture against him, stressing he could not use foul language and he needed to conduct himself with dignity. It seemed to work but they all would have to see it before they believed it, Simon was devious and smart. It started out good though as Simon apologized once Amanda walked back in.

"I'm sorry Amanda if I made you feel bad. I do want you to know I appreciate that you are here even though I know you're not feeling well right now," he said sounding sincere.
"Let's just get back to where we were," Amanda said straightening up on her chair.
"Yes let's," Simon said getting cheerier, "we were talking about Shannon in the cabin in Black Hills. I had to convince her to pray with me for her own salvation. I pushed the handle of the paddle inside of her."

That information was consistent with the injuries the autopsy report stated, she had vaginal tearing.

"I'd found an axe outside and I used it to cut her hand off. It was the first time I cut a limb off, it's hard when you don't have the right equipment. I put the paddle underneath, that's how the paddle broke and I couldn't use it any longer. I was a bit upset that I broke mother's heritage but I got over it as I had to stop the bleeding. I realized it would kill her if I didn't. She got weak after that, she agreed to read with me and we prayed. She accepted salvation and then she let me take her over. I choked her there on the bed."

"And what did you do with her body?"
"I contemplated taking her to Badlands but since I was already in Black Hills I decided to leave her there. I had to wait until the next night though and I took her rather far into the woods. I gave her a nice resting place. I think she was found a few weeks later."

Shannon's body had been found six weeks later and the police had started to realize they had a serial killer on the loose. He was named the I-90 killer in the media. Simon went on to tell her about his next victim. A 19 year old he'd spotted in Sioux Falls in 86. She'd died before he could get her to admit God as her savior and he'd buried her deep in the Badlands. Amanda got a sense Simon felt ashamed over the fact he hadn't been able to cleanse her. Her body had never been found and Simon picked her out from the missing person's posters that Amanda lined up in front of him. Her name was Michelle Johnson, a local girl that had turned the wrong corner, was a well-known drug user and had just started dipping in to the world of prostitution to feed her habit. Liv brought in a map and Simon gave a rather good location of where they could find the body. He kept from giving any sneers while Liv was in there but he could tell Amanda got a bit more submissive, like the senior detective outranked her somehow.

Simon got a chance to ask Amanda another question while they were on the subject Michelle. Simon kept his word for now and kept his question somewhat clean. He asked her how Amanda tried to comfort her sister whenever they were scared. He never mentioned the mother but it was implied in there. Amanda tried her best not to get emotional or to travel back in her mind and just told him that holding her sister usually worked. He pushed a little though, asked what she did when just holding didn't work. He knew there would be something more to tell. He knew because his sister had tried to comfort him and she had this trick she used when a cuddle wasn't just enough. Amanda bit down but then told him she used to tell her sister stories, stories that took them away from whatever bad place they were in. He settled with that and let her continue her interrogation, he knew he would get more chances to dig further, they weren't even half way through his list of angels yet.

As Amanda had the photos of all the missing girls in the area around the time the I-90 killer was active she asked if there was something else he liked to admit to when it came to anyone of them. He pointed out a woman that was murdered in Gillette, Wyoming in 85 who's body had been found and been named one of his victims. He was firm on the fact though that he had nothing to do with her murder. Amanda had no reason to doubt this but she was weary on the fact he would try and trick her soon again.

Simon kept looking the photos over as Amanda asked him to. He could tell her eyes were drawn to a certain photo and he found it intriguing.
"Do you think someone among these women is one of my angels?" Simon asked her. Amanda hesitated but then reached out, making sure she kept her eyes on him so he didn't try to grab her or anything, and pushed forward a photo of a woman who went missing from Rapid City in 87. Her body had never been found either but she'd reported an assault a couple of days before she disappeared. Her assaulter had called her his victim, roughed her up quite a bit and threaten to rape her but never did.

Simon asked why she singled her out and Amanda told him about the assault. Simon's smile told her she was on to something.
"Yes Tina was one of mine," he said as he picked up her photo to have a closer look. Tina shared many features with his sister.

"She wasn't a street worker though," Amanda said.
"No but she was a tramp. I think she might have had a sex addiction, she went home with different men every night. I watched her for a couple of months. I found her at this local dump every time I drove home to visit mother's grave."

"Was she the first one you assaulted beforehand?"
"Yes, yes she was."
"Why did you do that?" Simon took some time to think it through watching Amanda intensely as he did. The assaults he worked into his grand plan was something he was very proud of. Amanda had made it seem like she disliked that part of his plan and he needed to let her understand just how magnificent his thinking had been.

"I started to realize the girls just didn't see it my way. They didn't grasp that I only wanted to help them." Amanda did her best to sit quiet and just listen to Simon as he tried to justify his doings, as he tried to sell his great plan to her. How reliving a trauma of being violated would enlighten them, make them see how they were all just victims and how he, and God, was the savior they needed.

"You see it's not your fault Amanda, something happen to you and it made you the person you are today."
"We're not talking about me," Amanda said not able to sit idle by any longer, "Why did Tina earn some privilege to get assaulted?"
"I've tried to tell you," Simon felt a bit disgruntled that she couldn't get it now that he'd tried so hard to explain it to her.

"Not that I believe in therapy but there's something called regression therapy and it's like that. You relive a trauma so you can deal with it, it makes you open up to greater things. You will be able to hear the voice of God, to let him in and he will heal you."
"But you said it yourself, you thought Michelle had some addiction so it wasn't necessarily a trauma that set it off. Maybe she just enjoyed sex like someone enjoys alcohol. Why did you have to assault her?" Simon looked a little irresolute and there were hints of anger as Amanda wouldn't understand him.

"Well it's obvious. I had to break her down so I could build her up before I brought her over. I do admit my method wasn't that refined yet. It took me a few years to sort it all out. To understand that the threat of rape wasn't enough."

Amanda gave him a dark look but he challenged her.
"You can actually help me explain it. You experience my refined method of conduct. I set you up to be raped. How does it feel to get raped Amanda?"

She was taken aback by the question and she shot the window a glance.
"We're not talking about me," she said turning her attention back to Simon.
"Well a matter of fact we are, it's my turn to ask you a question and I'm asking you Amanda how it feels to get raped."

Amanda felt cold sweat all over. Simon caught her glancing towards the window again and he leaned in a little.
"From what I understand they have the man who raped you in custody. You don't have to worry about what they think of you, they already know. I'm sure he's told them everything by now. That man didn't strike me as a man with such great character. He probably folded with just a little pressure. They already know what he did to you." Simon's voice was cold and his eyes were just as cold as he watched her.

"How does it feel to get raped Amanda?" he asked when she just stayed quiet. She swallowed hard.
"It hurts," she whispered.
"Yes it hurts doesn't it, what else?" He started to get a bit excited as he hadn't been sure she would actually answer this question.
"It's humiliating." Amanda's eyes had turned vacant as she went back to that room in the Dungeon.
"Yes I could see that on your face. What else?"
"Makes you feel weak. Worthless."
"There was nothing you could do once he had you on that table, he held all the power," Simon couldn't help to rub it in a little, he knew she was lost in her memories and he wanted to be there with her.

Amanda's eyes were tearing up and she looked completely lost in a memory. She had some twitches going on in her body and it looked as though she had no control over them.
"We're losing her captain," Liv whispered on the other side of the glass, "We can't let him take her there."

"What else Amanda? What else did you feel?" Simon asked enjoying the tension of the moment. Amanda swayed a little on the chair, for a moment it looked as though she might be fainting but she kept upright.
"Out of control." Her voice was no louder than a whisper.
"And on the inside? What did you feel on the inside?"
"Chaos and then..."
"Then..."
"Nothing. I was gone."

"Yes, and that's when God comes in," Simon said vigorously and Amanda's eyes focused on him.
"He builds you up again, guides you. The Kingdom of heaven is near," Simon said once he saw Amanda's eyes land on his lips.

"Say it with me Amanda, and when you stand praying," he said it slowly and Amanda's lips started to move in unison with his but his voice was the only one heard, "if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heave may forgive you your sins." Simon's grin spread over his face.

There was a knock on the window and Amanda's attention quickly went there. She took a few quick breaths and she blinked a few times trying to get rid of blurry but awful images in front of her eyes. She looked back at Simon and his smile only made her feel even more stupid to fall for his lame tricks.

"What did you do with Tina Miller's body?" she asked quickly to move away from where they'd just been.
"It's buried in Black Hills."
"Why hasn't it been found?"
"I hid her well."
"Why?" Amanda could feel she was on to something, perhaps it was the way Simon seemed to get reserved.
"I left DNA on her. She couldn't be found too soon, I never expected no one would ever find her though. She's not buried too deep."

"What DNA did you leave on her?" She felt a need to bust him on something but she disguised it with the fact his DNA would probably be gone by now so it would help to get the answer. Simon took a deep breath, pierced his eyes into her. He looked very reluctant to answer but she knew he would in the end, if he didn't it would mean she beat him and she knew he wouldn't allow that.

"My bodily instincts took over with her," Simon said with a stern face, trying to keep his dignity, "I couldn't help myself. I felt a need and couldn't fight it. I made amends afterwards though, I withheld myself food for days, prayed..." Amanda interrupted him, she didn't want to hear what he thought he did to make raping that girl okay.

"Did you rape her before or after she died?" Simon looked angry.
"Before," he said through a set jaw.
"What else did you do to her?"
"I tied her up, cut her, hit her with a wrench, broke fingers and then I choked her."
"Did she become one of your angels or did you fail her too?"
"She's an angel."
"Will you show me where you buried her?"

Simon left her hanging for a bit, challenged her with his eyes but then he finally nodded and Liv came in again with another map. This time Simon took his time to find the location and he watched with great interest the interaction between the two detectives. Amanda kept her eyes down as usual but this time the brunette seemed more anxious about her fellow detective.

"Are you envious detective?" Simon asked and Liv shot him a puzzled look.
"Isn't it common knowledge all female cops have rape fantasies?" Simon grinned when Liv looked disgusted.
"That one had," Simon said and cocked his head Amanda's way. Amanda tried to keep her head down and her breathing under control.

"Point out where Tina is buried," Liv told him sternly set on taking no bullshit from this creep.
"I've seen her ask for it, I heard her ask her bartender boyfriend to inflict pain on her. She got off on it," Simon was getting insolent and Liv slammed her palm in the table. It only made Amanda jump though.

"Shut up and point out the location or this interrogation is over," Liv threaten. Simon only looked amused though.
"Okay okay, chill detective," he chuckled and turned his eyes down on the map again, "maybe you swing the other way but then you have the perfect subject to dominate. I've seen her with women too, she's not bad at all but you have to dominate, she's the submissive type." Simon snickered at himself and Liv felt like breaking his finger as he finally put it down on the map.

"In this area," he said, "there was a hill in the east. There were four trees in line, I think they were bur oaks, and some low vegetation. I put her feet towards the hill, towards east, and I put a few rocks as a cross on top of her grave. I'm not sure if they are visible today though. Satisfied detective?" Simon asked with that grin of his.

Liv had circled the area Simon had pointed out and she pulled the map away, shooting him an angry look before she walked back out. She didn't say anything when she got back inside the connecting room but just handed the map to Eli who gave her a sympathetic look before he turned away. She still felt as this was a big mistake but if Amanda had to be a part of this then she would stay by her side.

"Did you ever take anything from your victims?" Amanda asked since it had been on her mind earlier.
"You mean like trophies?" Simon asked and Amanda nodded.
"I did at times, I felt a need to keep something to remember them by but I realized it was a risk so I got rid of them."

"What about the camera?" Amanda asked and Simon smiled. Amanda didn't know what had happen to the photos she knew he'd taken off her, she didn't know they were in a special file that Cragen had locked inside one of his drawers in his desk.
"It was a later construction, one I didn't start until I moved to New York. You're very photogenic," Simon smiled.

"Where..." Amanda started but Simon cut her off.
"My turn. Tell me about your mother." Amanda swallowed hard. She didn't like that she would have to sit here and talk about her mother. Somehow that felt even more personal than talking about her being raped. But it was easier to distance herself she found out.

"My mother is a drunk and a pill addict who never really wanted children and she had a dislike for my dad. She resents most people actually, no one can live up to her standards even though she is a hypocrite herself."

"Uh, harsh Amanda. Remember you shall honor thy father and mother."
"You should only honor those who deserve it," Amanda challenged.
"Do you deserve to be honored?"

"My turn," Amanda said, "Did you kill anyone else while you were known as the I-90 killer?"
Simon shook his head.

"No, Tina was the end of my I-90 carrier. I had a close call as I took her into the woods, I almost ran into a ranger, his dog got on my trail but I was saved by some animal cadaver near-by. And then a police car circled the cabin village. I'm not sure if they were searching for Tina or not but all the signs were there."
"What signs?"
"The signs that God wanted me to move my hunting grounds. He'd taken me out of Rapid, moved me to Bismarck, it was time I moved on with my mission as well."

"You became the I-94 killer."
"The police, the media, made me the I-94 killer, I was just on a mission from God. I have killed but I'm not a killer, I'm a savior."
"You didn't save the truck driver? You murdered him, doesn't that make you a killer?"
"That's your dark view on the subject Amanda, he got in the way of my mission, sacrifices are made every day. Who are we to judge what's right or wrong? Only God can decide that and when I'm at the gate to heaven we'll find out if I was right or wrong."

Amanda felt a bit of rage inside. He was contradicting himself constantly and it was annoying to let him get away with it but at the same time she didn't feel as though she was in a position where she was able to catch him on it. She just didn't have enough questions in-between his. His questions felt so much more threatening than hers and that annoyed her too. Whatever she did, or asked, she felt trapped and she didn't know how to change that.

"How will you be judged once at the gates of heaven Amanda?" She ignored his question and took a look in the next file. It at least felt good that they were getting somewhere. There was an end to this insanity. Hopefully.

"Who was your first victim on I-94?" she asked after looking up from a woman that went missing from Jamestown, North Dakota, in 88.
"I failed my first victim," Simon answered though and told her about a woman he'd assaulted in Fargo. Her name had been Theresa Brown, a street worker with a long police record that he somehow gotten his hands on. Amanda let the how go since she felt as though her questions were running out.

"It was a long drive but I still decided to set up the assault first. I did it in an alley, I gagged her, I'd carved a short pole and I put it inside of her. I called her my victim and told her to think things through. To reflect about her life and the choices she'd made. I wore a mask, one of those robber masks with the eyes cut out. I left here there, drove back home immediately, only stopped briefly to get some adrenalin out. I hollered at the moon," Simon smiled at the memory. It was such a rush. Helping others made him feel so good.

"I came back that weekend, rented a room but I wasn't sure I could take her there. I didn't have to figure it out though, I couldn't find her on the streets and then I found out she'd died. She'd overdosed two days earlier. She never reported the assault. I know I failed her but I hope she did have time to reflect on her life and perhaps even make some amends before she met God almighty. You can't win 'em all, right Amanda?"

"Who was next?"
"Always so eager aren't you?" Simon smiled, "Okay let's see. I stalked a couple in Bismarck, just to get some practice. I took some time as well to learn more about tranquillizers so I could bring them from point A to point B without so much hassle. The cabins at Black Hills had been so good but I couldn't figure out what to do now. No places I found were secluded enough and I knew I had to really play it safe, that the world wasn't ready yet to... really see the greatness." Simon looked at her and he caught the disgust on her face and he wasn't pleased.

"What's the matter Amanda? What's with the face? I thought we had some mutual understanding here?" Amanda put her head down and tried to control herself. She was getting tired and it made it hard for her to conceal her true emotions.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.
"What was that?" Simon asked even though he'd heard her.
"I'm sorry," she repeated as she looked back up.
"It's okay Amanda, I know you're not feeling all that great right now. I shouldn't be so hard on you," Simon smiled.

"Can you tell me who you decided to go after next?"
"Since you ask so nicely," Simon smiled feeling very pleased with himself, "it was that summer of 88. I took a week, I was aiming for Minneapolis but I spotted her in Jamestown. Blonde, blue eyed. She was perfect."

Amanda listen to him describe the woman she had at the very top of her file. Rhonda Smith, a 26 year old dancer at a gent's club. She had no record, at least not for soliciting or prostitution but Simon argued he saw her being inappropriate with customers, she took numbers from a few and while giving him a lap dance she made suggestive offers that she was willing to give him more for the right price. Amanda's mind wandered for a while. Had she ever given him a lap dance? There had been so many in a short amount of time and she knew she often tried to not look at them, the proximity while giving lap dances bothered her at times and she'd solved it by pretending the other person just wasn't there.

"I almost passed on her though," Simon said raising his voice a little like he could tell Amanda zoomed out and it got her attention back.
"There was just something crude about her, I almost lost pity for her but then I spotted one of the bouncers grab a hold of her viciously and I got a feeling it was the management that were behind the extended services this club were giving. It seemed this club wasn't as strict as yours Shay. Yours had a strict policy, seemed your bartender boyfriend was the only one that tried to get around it. You do know you wasn't the first right?" Simon leaned in a little.

"And not the only one, you should really pick your boyfriends better. I don't know about your partner with benefits out there," Simon cocked his head towards the window, "but he doesn't seemed to be molded in the right boyfriend material form either."

Amanda let her eyes fall down to her lap. It wasn't the boyfriends she thought to herself, it was all her. She was the faulting link here. It had always been her.
"Shay?" Simon's voice got her to look back up and he smiled when she responded to that name. She threw a quick glance towards the window as she tried to wise up a little.

"So Rhonda became the I-94 killer's next victim?"
"Please don't call me that, I much more like when you call me Simon."
"Simon, what did you do to Rhonda?"
"I have to warn you, it got a bit messy," Simon said with some concern, "I told you I had location difficulties. I'd rented a room." Simon went on to tell her about the motel, how crowded it had been and how hard it had been to slip her inside without anyone noticing. He'd used Rohypnol in a beer to sedate her once he had her out in his car and then managed to carry her inside. He'd used a scarf she had in her hair to stuff in her mouth and then put duct tape over and around her head. He had been worried someone would pick up on her screams.

Amanda was about to ask something when he raised his finger again.
"So I learnt quite a lot about your past already, it's amazing how much you can find out with just the right questions isn't it? Well you should know as a detective even though I can tell you're holding back on the questions," Simon winked at her. He played a little with his chains, he knew the sound they made got her off balanced so it was an easy way for him to distract her.

"I want you to tell me what the worst thing your mother ever did to you was," Simon finally asked. A memory flooded over Amanda but she did her best to keep it off her face. All Simon picked up was the sudden loss of color around Amanda's lips and a brief look of, was it horror?, that flashed over her eyes.

"I can't tell you that, there wasn't just one thing," Amanda said hoping to get around it.
"Surely there must be something that stands out," Simon insisted though. Amanda threw a quick glance towards the window without moving her head.

"Don't worry about them, they already think you're pathetic. You're nothing more than a filthy tramp to them, they're questioning if you're a victim or a willing accomplice. Tell me what your mother did to you, the worst thing she did."

"I can't," Amanda said breathing deep and strained.
"There wasn't just one thing," she said with some desperation once she met Simon's challenging eyes, "when you're five the worst thing is being withheld food for days, when you're three is being left behind somewhere unfamiliar, when you're eleven it's getting your shoulder dislocated when you're playing an important softball game that weekend and when you're eight is having to hide bruises and being bullied cause you don't shower after gym class. It's just not one thing." The tears in her eyes told Simon just how sincere she was.

"But there must be something Amanda, something that stands out," Simon still pushed though, "when you're in that closet, your sister is crying next to you, you are probably crying to, you are scared Amanda, she's pounding on the door." Simon had started pounding his fists on the table, not hard, just slow, pumping fists trying to make the memory more colorful for her.

"Your mother is out there, she's screaming, pounding on the door, she wants to get you." Amanda held his eyes, felt herself getting lost somewhere between the room she was in and that closet, fighting hard to not put her hands over her ears to block the scary pounding out that was coming both from him and the memory trying to invade her.
"And she does, doesn't she? She always wins in the end. Your mother is always bigger, stronger, smarter. She gets her hand on you and what does she do Amanda? What's the worst thing she does to you?"

"It's not…" she has to take another breath, "It's not the corporeal things she does, I can take that, I can take the pain."
"Yes you can, I saw that, you truly are stoic Amanda," Simon said and meant it. She'd taken things he'd done more gracefully than anyone he could remember. Well as gracefully as you could take corporal punishment.
"I can take that," she repeated with a whisper.
"Yes," Simon said and sat back, "and I'm satisfied with that answer after all."

Amanda tried to gather herself as quickly as possible and continued asking him questions about Rhonda Smith, what he'd done to her and then where and how he'd buried her even though they had found her body just a few days after she'd died.

In the next room, Liv again had something to say about this whole travesty.
"You do realize how hard it will be for us to get a good statement out of her after this?" she challenged their captain.
"If she doesn't just shut down completely you'll have to play just as hard ball as that lunatic in there and I'm sorry but I'm not willing to go there captain." Liv had a hard time keeping her voice down but she really didn't care who heard her at this time. She still couldn't believe captain had agreed to this and now that it played out it did so even worse than she had imagined and still, no one seemed to do anything to try and stop it from happening. They just let him run this show and it was so unfair to Amanda.

"She wants to do this Liv," captain said with a sigh though and shot her a quick look.
"No captain, she wants to find out what happen to her sister, she does not want to go back to all those dark places and we don't want that either cause it means he pulls her even further from us with every bloody question he gets to ask her, with every minute he gets with her."

Cragen took another deep breath. He had the warning bells inside his head too, Liv didn't have to bring them up but he could understand why she did it. She always had good instincts when it came to victims. But this case was harder though. It wasn't black and white. The victim in this case was his other detective and although he hadn't known her as long he respected her just as much and he hoped he could trust her instincts too. He was starting to doubt it though and for the first time in his carrier as a captain he was really starting to doubt his own actions.

Rhonda had died a brutal death. She'd fought hard, harder than any of his previous victims. She'd fought herself bloody trying to get out of the restraints he'd used to tie her up in the motel's small bathroom, leaving the worn down tiles sprayed with red stains. It had all been for nothing though, she'd contracted so much bodily damage during her attempts she was an easy target once he were able to go in to her.

No other motel guests had heard her even though she made a huge ruckus according to Simon. He'd tried to drown her out with the TV and radio on but no complaints had been made against any disturbance from room 21 which was the room he murdered Rhonda Smith in. He also made the room number significant since it was holy according to him. Something about Isaiah's prophecy of the coming of the Messiah which Amanda had no idea how it linked to the number 21. And then there was something about 14 generations from Abraham to David, from David to the Baylonian exile and then to Jesus and how that number somehow divided or counted twice or something became 21. It was all gibberish to Amanda.

He also added the 22 chapters in the Revelation into his proof that 21 was a holy number. How the 21 first chapters preceding the last chapter that contained no violence, could be seen as the totality of God's judgment against the wicked, and punishment and destruction of evil. He'd lost her even before he started on this reasoning but she heard a familiar bible verse and that caught her attention.

"But the cowardly, the unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the sexually immoral, those who practice magic arts, the idolaters and all liars, their place will be in the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This is the second death," Simon had her pegged down with his eyes and she looked unable to sway hers from his.
"Remember what you have received and heard, obey it, and repent. But if you do not wake up, I will come like a thief, and you will not know at what time I will come to you."

Cragen suddenly stepped in through the door and he broke the trance Simon had Amanda in and it of course didn't please Simon.
"Do you mind?" he said angrily to Cragen.
"That's it for today, I'm breaking this up," Cragen said though ignoring Simon.

"But we should finish with Rhonda," Simon said and all anger was gone and replaced by something that reminded of desperation.
"Right? We should just finish her case, don't you think Amanda?" Simon tried to get her on his side. And Amanda nodded.

"Are you sure you can do that? It can wait until tomorrow, we're in no rush," Cragen said hoping she would be honest with him.
"I'm fine," she said quietly.
"See she's fine captain," Simon sounded chipper.
"Just finish it and then we're breaking for the night," Cragen said as he walked back out closing the door behind him.

"He's nice isn't he? I can imagine he's a good captain?" Simon looked for some confirmation from her and she gave him a barely visibly nod.
"You didn't try to sleep with him did you?" Simon asked acting a bit shocked, "Amanda how could you? Or Shay perhaps? I'm starting to sense those two aren't exactly so in differ with each other."

"Rhonda Smith," Amanda said wanting to get off the subject they'd managed to slip on to.
"Yes dear fighting spirit Rhonda," Simon mused, "she was hanging, bleeding, close to passing out from the roof in that small bathroom. You should've seen the mess she'd made. It took me over an hour to clean up once she was out of there."

"What did you do to her?"
"Well it was hard since she couldn't talk and I could still see defiance in her eyes. We prayed, I used a lighter. It was the first time I used fire. I could tell it was very efficient so it became something regular after that."

She sat through him telling her about all the vicious ways he'd tried to break her down. How he'd used the cigarettes she had in her purse, how he made attempts to remove her toenails but again he mentioned how hard it was without the right equipment. Amanda started to feel sick but at least the nausea kept her awake.

He spend more than 24 hours straight torturing her until she finally started to show some slight interest in listening to his and God's words. Amanda had seen the autopsy report, she knew the extent of Rhonda's injuries. Her broken knee caps, the missing toe nails, her broken fingers, the burnt flesh, the cigarette marks. Amanda was finding it more and more difficult to keep down what little content she had in her stomach.

"And where did you bury her?" Amanda asked once they finally reached the point where he choked Rhonda while she was still strung up in the bathroom, how he wrapped her in plastic and spent more than an hour cleaning the bathroom up.

"That's your eleventh question but I will answer it if you promise you'll let me have my question before we end our session today," Simon looked at her intensely. She would agree to pretty much anything to get out of that room so she nodded without hesitation.

"I got her out to my car that night, I was almost busted by two drunks that shuffled past but I managed to slip by them. I took her about two miles east on the I-94. Found a remote picnic area and I brought her just a few yards into the woods. Dug a shallow grave and put her there, I left the plastic. It was dark and I didn't have time to place her neatly I'm afraid. A car passed and I got scared someone would notice me or my vehicle. So I hurried back to the car and drove back to the motel. I stayed the rest of the week, enjoyed the scenery in that town. It was my first real visit. It's a really nice town."

Simon sat back and Amanda closed the file. She was ready to get out of there.
"So one last question today then," Simon smiled and sat back up on the chair, he didn't seem tired at all.
"I think of you constantly you know, you haven't left my thoughts for weeks now. You're even in my dreams, and not just my daydreams. You're with me every night. I hope I'm with you too, that's it mutual this thing we have. You intrigue me so much." He looked her over.

"What's the question?" Amanda asked a bit annoyed, wanting to get out of there. Simon smiled.
"I want to know if you prefer being Amanda or Shay?"
"What?" she mumbled not really understanding the question.

"You heard me, do you prefer being Amanda or do you prefer being Shay?"
"It's a hard question for you isn't it?" he said once she'd been silent for a while. She couldn't really grasp the question, it should be easy she figured but for some reason she couldn't answer it.

"But is it Shay that protects Amanda or Amanda that protects Shay? I can't really figure it out. Sitting here across from you I see you both but I can't make out if it's Shay that pops up when you're vulnerable or if it's Amanda. Who's the strong one? Who has precedence?"

Cragen walked in yet again.
"Okay that's enough," he said but that made Simon stand up as much as he could, getting agitated quickly.

"No! No, we have a deal," he said. They'd been joined in the room the second Simon tried to stand up. Nick was there to push him back down on his chair and Eli was right behind him, making his way around Simon in case they would need to join forces keeping him down. Fin and Liv had aimed straight for Amanda but didn't crowd her since she'd already pushed her chair back and since Cragen was right beside her too.

"You promised to answer me," Simon said with a voice a little bit more contained.
"Who do you prefer to be, Amanda or Shay?" he asked once he had her eyes locked down. He saw her eyes sway to some of the others in the room.
"Don't bother with them, you already know what they think of you, you tell me, I'll understand," Simon had her cornered, "You prefer to be…"

He left it open for her to answer and for a few seconds all she heard was her own blood pumping against her ear drums.
"I prefer to be Shay," she whispered. Simon nodded with a smile, he'd sensed her answer already and felt happy to get it confirmed.

"Okay you got your answer, let's break this up," Cragen said feeling a bit stunned by the answer his detective had just given. Amanda got up and moved towards the back door. Fin was right behind her and he helped her get the door open. They only got a few steps outside when Amanda mumbled something.

"What?" Fin asked stepping in closer.
"I'm gonna puke," she repeated with as much strength she could give her voice right now.
"Okay," Fin said looking around. He rushed towards the observation room as he knew there was a trash can in there. Liv hadn't heard the interaction but got something was wrong and came to grab a hold of Amanda's arm as she stumbled a little down the same way where Fin had just taken off to. Liv got a hold of the situation brusquely once Fin came out with the bin in his hands and she got Amanda's hair out of the way as she immediately bent down above it.

There wasn't much to empty but it was enough to immediately make Amanda feel better. Though the pain the following dry heaving caused made her feel worse as it made every muscle in her back move and tore at the scars and stitches.

It felt natural for Liv to stroke her back but she caught herself just before she did and tried rubbing her arm a little instead. It was hard to comfort someone who was just so broken all over. Amanda grunted a little, putting sound to her ache.

"Fuck," she mumbled.
"You're behind on your meds," Fin said, "you think you can get two pills down with some water?"

Amanda nodded a little, spitting one more time into the bin. Liv took the bin over so Fin could get some water for her.
"Wanna try leaning against the wall a little," Liv suggested and followed Amanda as she took a step over to the wall.
"Done?" Liv asked and pulled the bin back once Amanda nodded. Liv kept holding on to Amanda's hair though just to keep the contact. Cragen had been waiting two steps behind, not really sure what to do but now stepped up to take the bin from Liv.

"I got it," he said and caught Amanda's embarrassed glance as he walked away with the bin. He met Fin coming back out with a water bottle and he got two pills up. Amanda tried to take the pills from him but it got quite obvious she wouldn't be able to, not only was it the fact she couldn't grab a hold of anything with the state her hands were in but it also got clear they were shaking profoundly right now. Fin didn't ask for permission but just put one pill between her chapped lips and then put the bottle against her lips. He made sure she just got enough in to swallow the pill and then put the second one between her lips and repeated the motion. She nodded yes to more water and with his help took two more mouthfuls after the pills were down.

"You know," Liv said once Amanda was done, "he's wrong."

Amanda had a hard time meeting Liv's eyes but they came up every now and then to catch hers briefly.

"He's wrong," Liv said firmly, "that's not what we think of you. You are not pathetic. It's the opposite. We're in complete awe that you are even able to be in the same room as him."

Amanda wasn't sure how she should feel about what Liv had just said. She figured she should feel happy about it but she was just numb inside and everything felt upside down.

"Can we go home?" she asked Fin and he gave her a nod right after exchanging a quick glance with Liv.
"Can you make it on your own?" Fin asked but Amanda had already started walking. Liv let go of her hair as she moved away and was left just watching them leave, the turmoil in her own stomach having just grown a little.

As Fin and Amanda slowly made their way up to the car Liv walked back in to help Nick and Eli get Simon securely back to his cell and to set things up for yet another day of this madness.

Again Amanda was quiet the entire ride home. He tried asking her if she wanted to stop somewhere to get food to go but she just shook her head slightly. He told her she had to eat something though but tried to not make it sound like a lecture. He wasn't sure if he succeeded or not. Once he'd parked she tried to get out but swore when she couldn't get the handle up. He reached over and helped her out so she at least could try and step out of the car on her own.

He could tell she felt a need for some self-sufficiency so he gave her some room, couldn't help from opening the front door though but then let her walk a little ahead of him. It was obvious it hurt to walk and she was a bit unsteady too swaying ever so often on the way to his door.

Once they got inside his apartment she walked straight in and down the corridor. He dropped his key and jacket by the door as he kept his eye on her. He thought she would head straight to bed but she walked into the bathroom instead and then was left just standing in the middle of it. He could see her the entire time and he just had to walk down to her.

"I want to shower," she said once she felt his presence and he got what she was trying to work out.
"Okay," he said trying to think of a way to make that happen.
"How you wanna…" he started, "Can I help?"

She'd never been that shy around him, never been that embarrassed about her body which she shouldn't be either. She had a smokin' one but now, there was something about her posture, something that told him she didn't want him in there.

"Okay then let's just figure out a way to get your feet… and back… somehow out of there." And then there was the hands he thought to himself. She wanted a shower, probably felt like she needed a shower so wrapping her up in plastic would fight the purpose of the shower. He could just not see a way to make this work but as usual he solved it the only way he could, one step at a time.

"Okay, I'm going to get something you can sit on first and foremost," he said and ducked out. He was thinking about a square bin from IKEA in Ken's room, upside down it would be perfect for her to sit on. He tossed out the items that was in it and then brought it with him out to the kitchen. He got a scissor, a roll of small plastic bags, a roll of cling film and tossed it in the bin.

He found Amanda on the toilet seat trying to get her shoes off with not much success. He got down to help her out and when he was done he told her the plan. Sit on the bin, they'd use plastic around her feet and seal it with towels, more plastic on her back and hands and then it should work.

He had to help her out of her clothes to be able to wrap her dressings but he made sure she had a towel to cover herself with and then put another one over her shoulders as he worked on her feet. He couldn't help but feel that her skin was warm though and he asked her if she felt feverish. She shook him off but he didn't trust her answer. He wouldn't push it right now though, maybe a shower would cool her down.

The feet turned out to be the easiest job, he used bags and some cling film and then propped her feet up on a bucket with a towel around them. He made sure she could keep her balance and it looked rather secure. As for the hands he didn't care much about the wrists but just wrapped some cling film around the bandages on her hands. He feared putting plastic bags over them would make it even harder for her to hold on to the shower handle so this just had to work. The back was a big problem though. He couldn't find a way to wrap it.

"Can you try and just keep the water off it?"
"What about my hair, I want to wash it too," she asked sounding very small.
"Can you leave it for now, let me help you later?" he asked and she nodded after a quick disgruntled look passing over her face.

"Let's see if you can hold on to this," he said bringing down the shower handle. She was very weak and it slipped out of her grip a few times until they found a way for her to hold it with both hands. Once that was done though she was left with two towels still covering her body and no water running.

"I can work it out," she said though as she could tell it troubled him.
"You sure?" he asked and she nodded. She would work it out somehow.

"Okay, just holler if… anything. I'll be outside. I'm going to fix us something to eat okay, you have to eat something," he got up and threw her a quick look.
"Don't bother about the floor or anything okay, we'll clean it up. And holler okay?" he was just afraid she would struggle, fall of the bin or something and then not call him.
"I will, don't worry," she said sensing his worries.

"Okay," he said and walked out with a big sigh. He closed the door behind him, thought about leaving it open just a bit but ended up shutting it after all, she wanted privacy so he had to give it to her. He stayed for a while, tried to stand completely still and not make a noise. A few moments passed by with no sound at all from inside the door. He started to get discouraged it wouldn't work. How on earth would she get the water running and hold on the shower handle at the same time. And if she dropped it she could fall off trying to get it. What had he been thinking? He was just about to walk back in when he heard something that sounded like the tap getting turned on. At first it was just drops, it wouldn't even give a mouse a shower but then it got richer and it actually sounded like she could pull it off. He felt stupid for grinning so much but since no one was around to see him he didn't care.

He stayed put a few more minutes but then felt rather secure she'd gotten a handle on the situation. He went to get some pasta on the stove and something that would work with it. He went back every other minute, listening in on the shower running. He knew he was being overly protective but he just couldn't help it. It was his job as her partner after all to keep her safe and now that he had the chance he wouldn't blow it.

He finished the pasta and chicken before she was done and he started to worry that she had fallen off the bin or something after all. Finally though he heard her call out and he walked in to find her where he left her but just a whole lot wetter. He'd changed into a pair of lounge pants and a tee and was happy he'd left the socks off as the floor was drenched. He picked up a towel and gave it to her after he'd grabbed the shower that was still running. He turned the water off.

She had gotten her hair wet after all and he could tell the dressing on her back was rather soaked. It made the red shine through. He grabbed another towel and draped it over her back hoping it would soak up some of the water from her dressing.

"Do you mind if I carry you out of here?" he asked as it got to cramped to work around her in the space they were in. She shook her head a little so he grabbed another couple of towels that he threw over his shoulder and then got an arm underneath her legs as she grabbed a hold around his neck. He put the other arm underneath her behind and close to effortless got her up in his arms.

He felt her start to shiver just during the short walk from the bathroom to his bedroom and the minute he put her down he draped her with towels. He worked to get the plastic off and wrapped her up with a towel instead when he was done. The feet were rather dry but the rest of the bandages were more or less wet.

Draping her up and carefully drying her didn't feel at all awkward or embarrassing and she didn't look uncomfortable either. She helped out where she could and otherwise just let him work. He helped her get a pair of Ken's old pyjama pants on, swiped her hair in a towel and told her to lie down on her stomach so he could try and dry the dressing on her back.

"We should let Melinda take a look at your back tomorrow," he said as he could tell some of the tape were coming off on the sides. She just mumbled a somewhat accepting sound.
"Hey you're not falling asleep are you?" Fin asked worryingly. This time he had no idea what she tried to say.
"You have to eat something before you fall asleep, I'm not kiddin Amanda, you have to," he said and climbed over her to get a better look at her face. Her eyes were shut.
"C'mon," he said shaking her a little.
"Can I eat here?" she asked managing to get her eyes open a little.
"Sure, I'll be right back," he said hurrying off the bed.
"Don't shut your eyes," he shouted as he hustled towards the kitchen.

He put some pasta and a piece of chicken on one of the plates he'd put out when he was still hoping she'd sit down with him and eat. He chopped the chicken up and then rushed back down to the bedroom. Of course she had closed her eyes but he sat down rather careless and told her to get up. She grunted but he didn't give in and he managed to get her to sit up. He helped her get a towel around her and then fed her a fork with a few pieces of rigatoni pasta on it. She threw him a quick glance before she accepted the fork. It wasn't a situation either one of them felt comfortable in but at least they were comfortable with each other. He could tell she was sluggish and it took time for her to chew each bite. It looked as though she felt sick every time she swallowed. No one said anything and Fin's thoughts drifted. He wanted to say something, to add to what Liv had said in the corridor once the interrogation ended, what she tried to get her to understand. He didn't want her to believe anything Simon was telling her but he had a sneaking suspicion she was buying into it. That her usual rational side wasn't working properly right now. So he wanted her to know that no one thought bad about her, that they were all just worried and wanted her to heal and feel better. That they all just wanted her back.

That made him think about Simon's last question or more so what she'd answered. Had she really been sincere. Did she prefer to be Shay? What was easier about being Shay more than Amanda? And what did it mean that she separated the two? He didn't know much about psychology but talking about Shay and Amanda as two different people made it sound very schizophrenic. The Amanda he knew wasn't psychotic in any way, quite the opposite, she was a rather straight forward and uncomplicated being. That's what he liked about her. You got what you saw but all of a sudden everything seemed so very complicated. It made him question everything he knew about her and it made him feel bad cause it meant that Simon was right in a way after all. He feared Simon knew her better than he did.

"Will you stop," she suddenly said.
"What?" he asked getting pulled out of his thoughts abruptly.
"You're staring," she said and he could tell he'd made her uncomfortable.
"I'm sorry," he said.
"No don't," he said as she started to lie down.

"I'm too tired," she whispered though and crawled further up on the bed to lie down on the pillow. He sighed but got up to put the plate away. He helped her get the cover over herself after he'd put a new, dry towel over her back to keep soaking some of the water up. He also got the towel around her hair off and went to get a smaller one that he just placed underneath her head.

"I didn't mean to stare," he said quietly as he kneeled down by her side.
"It's okay," she whispered with her eyes averted from his, "I know I'm..." She seemed to have a hard time finding the word she was looking for. He reached up and stroke away some hair from her face.

"No, Amanda it's not you. You can't listen to him, you can't let him get to you," he said sincerely. She met his eyes briefly.
"He's the one who's trapped now so he'll use whatever way he can to keep some control." He wanted her so desperately to understand this.

"I know I'm failing as a cop," she mumbled.
"No Amanda, you are not failing," he said and couldn't help but groan. Why was she twisting this around in her head?

"You are doing an incredible job in there Amanda, one that neither of us could do. Don't ever think you're failing."
"Can you just let me sleep," Amanda grunted a little and tried to get her face deeper into the pillow. Fin sighed. He stroke the side of her face a little even though her face told him she didn't like it.

"Okay but just remember what Liv told you earlier, we are all in awe of you. We are all very impressed and Eli couldn't be more grateful for all the material you are giving him." Amanda had closed her eyes by now but he stayed put for a bit. He moved his hand away from her face but kept it behind her head for a while and just let his fingers stay entangled in her damp hair for a bit.

"Okay I'll let you sleep," he whispered and leaned in and kissed her temple before he got up and walked out.

He took the plate out and then sat down to have some reheated dinner himself. It tasted rather bland, even with the tomato sauce he'd left out of her dish. He decided to clean up the bathroom but went in to check on her first. She seemed to be resting peacefully so he let her be. Once the bathroom was done he had a shower himself and then redressed, got a soda out of the fridge and sat down by the TV to find some basketball or baseball game to watch. Once the basketball game was over he got bored rather quickly and after have flipped the channels a few times he turned the TV off. That's when he immediately heard noises from the bedroom and he rushed down the hallway. She was stirring on the bed, her breathing was strained and she was mumbling something incoherent.

"Hey, hey," he said ducking down by her side rubbing her arm and face gently.
"Amanda? Wake up," he urged and rubbed her arm a little harder to get her out of whatever dark place she was stuck in right now. He could tell he was getting to her as she started to calm down and soon her eyelashes started to flicker. He started to caress her cheek gently though and urged her to go back to sleep again. She was soon snoozing peacefully again and he got up only so he could get ready for bed and lie down next to her. He left some lights on as usual, she'd never been fond of the dark but he figured she was even less so after having been stuck in that dark bunker for days.

His head was full of thoughts as he watched the back of her head, thoughts that didn't take him to any good places and he was happy once sleep grabbed him.

---

"For God does speak - now one way, now another - though man may not perceive it. In a dream, in a vision of the night, when deep sleep falls on men as they slumber in their beds, he may speak in their ears and terrify them with warnings." (Job 33:14-16)

---

He wasn't sure how long he'd slept but he felt far from rested when he suddenly woke and through half open eyes saw her in the door way.

"Hey," he said with a sleep drunken voice, "what's up?"
"I'm just going to the bathroom," she whispered.
"You need help?"
"No," she answered and her tone told him she didn't appreciate the offer. He was too tired to pick it up though and when he tried to keep his eyes on her and then on the door frame where she disappeared he failed and fell back to sleep.

He woke up soon again though by a noise that didn't come from the bathroom but somewhere further out in the apartment.

"Amanda?" he called out still laying down. When he heard nothing he sat up trying to rub sleep out of his eyes. He called her name once more but when he got no answer he pulled the cover off and got up. He checked the bathroom but found the light on but no one in there. He heard something down the hallway and he hurried down towards the sound. He found her hunched over on the floor trying to gather things that she'd knocked over on his hallway table. She jumped a little when he said her name.

"I'm sorry," she said and held up a piece of the African clay bowl that she accidentally knocked down.
"Don't worry about it," he said and walked over to fetch one of the items that had fallen out of it and rolled away.

"Hey wait," he said once he realized she had her shoes on and her previous naked torso was now draped in one of his hoodies.
"You're bolting?" he asked getting back up on his feet. She got up herself with the help of the wall. She seemed weak but right now he was too upset to see it.

"Where are you going?" he asked angrily. He had no intention of letting her go, he would in fact do anything to stop her but he was still curious what plan she had.
"I was just..."
"Just what?" he asked when she didn't continue. Her eyes were pleading with him but he weren't ready to back off.

"I needed... something."
"Drugs?" he asked stunned, "For fuck's..." He rubbed his face trying to calm down.
"So you were running to Scott?" he said charging her a little. She backed up and grabbed the door frame for support.

"I just... I can't handle... everything." Her voice was weak and trembling.
"And you think drugs will help you with that? Who are you kidding Amanda? You know drugs is only a way to flee something you have to face sooner or later."

"Well later then, I can't..." A single tear ran down her face and then her knees seemed to give way. Thankfully Fin was just a few steps away and he managed to grab her before she lost all ability to hold herself up. Even through her baggy clothes he could feel how warm she was and being that close he saw pearls of sweat on her forehead and her neck as she'd bundled her hair together in the hood. He feared she was in withdrawal but when he reached up to feel her forehead he got troubled.

"My God, you're burning up," he whispered.
"I'm fine," she tried to say but it came out more as a mumble.
"I'm taking you to the hospital," he said and more or less dragged her to the nearest chair so she could sit down while he got his stuff together. The fact she didn't argue told him just how sick she was and he ran down his hallway faster than he'd ever done before. He got on a pair of sweats and put on a hoodie as he rushed back to her.

"C'mon," he said once he'd grabbed his wallet, phone and keys and he got her up in his arms. She was barely able to put her arms around his neck, didn't manage to get her legs around him and just slumped down against his shoulder. Waiting for the elevator he could feel how heavy her breathing was. Down on the street he put her in the backseat so she could lie down and he took off with screeching tires to the nearest emergency room.

Two hours later he yet again found himself sitting by her side as she rested in a hospital bed. She was resting peacefully this time though and they'd just removed her oxygen mask that had blocked most of her face and he felt good being able to see her better. She was hooked up to two bags, one with fluid and one with medicine that was fighting the fever. The heart monitor was beeping slowly and steadily and it had a calming effect on him.

He reached up and stroked her hair back from her face. She was back in a hospital gown, all dressings had been changed and she didn't feel as warm under his touch any longer. They'd moved her out of the ER and given them a private room up on a ward. He'd used his badge viciously from the moment they entered the ER and he felt no shame taking advantage of it when it came to her wellbeing. And she'd gotten good care. The doctor had been in just minutes ago and mostly repeated what she tried to explain down in the ER. The fever was, even though dangerously high, just a symptom to the fact his partner was still healing from the intense trauma her body and mind had been exposed to. She was dehydrated and emaciated which could be related to the bodily harm done to her and it was a catch 22 since those two factors worked against the healing her body needed to do. Just like doctor Sanford this doctor had stressed the importance of getting her to eat and drink, and to stay on her medicine. This was no time to be a trooper and battle the pain out.

Fin had kept the drugs out fearing what them mentioned in her journal could do to her carrier if IAB would get their hands on it. He was surprised Lt Tucker wasn't breathing down their necks by now but he was grateful for whatever Cragen was doing to keep IAB away.

About the drugs Fin knew it might be a serious risk not to mention them. Surely they could be in play here with her medical condition and if she felt such an urge that she would go to Scott there was a risk Gordon could get to her. They were on dangerous waters but Fin hoped he wouldn't have to struggle with her detoxing on top of everything else.

"What am I going to do with you?" he whispered stroking her cheek. He soon put his head down on the bed next to her and tried to catch some craved shut eye.

They'd gone to the ER at 1 am and got transferred to the ward around 3 am. Fin hadn't even been thinking about the interrogation, it was just so far down on his priority list. When Amanda woke up at 7 am though, being hooked to IV bags for close to six hours and fever free, it was all she thought about. Fin and the doctor tried to reason with her but it was useless, she was going to the station with or without Fin's help.

Fin had only gotten a few hours of sleep and wasn't in a good mood but of course there was no way he'd let her go on her own and since she still looked too fragile to wrestle down he helped her out. The doctor made them stay long enough to run down the list on what to do to keep her out of the hospital. Fluids and food was on the very top of that list. In there was also coming back in to check the wounds at least every other day to begin with, staying on the meds and trying to stay off her feet as much as possible. Sleep was a priority and if she wanted to get more function back in her hands she needed to start physical therapy.

The doctor got something up out of her pocket.
"I want to send these home with you," she said, "they are hand therapy balls." Fin could feel Amanda's resistance just standing next to her while she sat on the bed resting her feet like the doctor had ordered.

"These are soft, in resistance that is, so you can change to medium once you worked some mobility up. For now though I just want you to try and squeeze them whenever you get a chance," the doctor handed one of them over to Amanda and there was an awkward silence when it just rolled out of her hand as she couldn't even grip it. Fin picked it up from the floor and took the other one from the doctor as she continued talking. They were rubbery and very soft, and even though they were purple he got dirty images in his head that he tried to block out.

"Once you get a hang of the squeezing the physical therapists can give you different exercises." She'd lost Amanda's attention and looked back over at Fin who shot her a smile and a nod.
"And Amanda," she said waiting until her patient looked at her, "you really need to deal with the mental side too, talk to a therapist. Either here at the hosp…"

"Can we go? We need to head into the station," she said turning to Fin, cutting the doctor off as she got up of the bed with a frown on her face as she put weight on her feet. He gave her a nod and then told the doctor the department would handle it, meaning the therapy sessions.
"Thanks," he said holding up the balls to the doctor and then walked out after Amanda.

He'd sent Liv a text an hour earlier filling her in briefly on the night's adventures. The look on her face once they walked into the station told him just how thrilled she was that they were there and not at home or still at the hospital. Cragen was quickly there to get the latest up-date as he wasn't satisfied with the little Liv could tell him earlier. He asked more than once if it really was a good idea that they kept on with the interrogation right now and he made sure she knew she could postpone.

Amanda wouldn't hear anything of that though and just said she was ready to start again. And she did look better this morning. Everyone could see through her more lively eyes though and the more colorful face. She still winced every step she took and she was far from pulling off her cocky stance. They had her sit down in the bunks as they got Simon shackled down securely and Fin could almost see how the resilience and certainty she'd displayed just minutes earlier washed off her as Cragen popped his head in to say that they were ready for her.

Fin walked behind her down the hall, more than once stopping his hand just as it was about to touch her. He could feel her need for support and encouragement but he also knew she would resist it if he tried to give it to her. Why did this have to be so damn hard? Why did this have to happen to her? To them?

Amanda did her best to just breathe calmly. She'd felt so ready just minutes ago, why the sudden shift in confidence? Why did he affect her this way? Why couldn't she wise up? Be stronger?

Cragen walked in ahead just as he'd done two days ago. Simon's face lit up once he got eyes on her, just as it had done two days ago and just as it had done yesterday. She were able to quickly wonder how long this would take, how long she'd be stuck with him, when Simon's sudden slight movement got everyone on high alert.

"Wow, easy detectives, I was just being polite," Simon smiled, "one should rise in the present of a lady. Where are your manners?" Simon chuckled a little but sat down as he caught the men's deadly stares.
"Amanda," Simon said instead shifting his attention back to her, "how nice to see you again this morning. You're looking better today I have to say. And the sun is out I hear. I have a feeling this will be another good day. Have a seat why don't you?"