A/N: Yay, I've gotten another chapter done before work today. Happy dance time. :D

Now, before we go onto this chapter, I just wanted to ponder the actual show for a little bit, seeing as we're only 2 episodes away from the very last of Dexter ever. I'm going to tell you what I think is going to happen, based on how the writing has been laying things out vs how I'd personally like to see it end. So, these aren't spoilers, just my take on things and I guess we'll see how close I was in two weeks time. ;)

I feel like that as soon as Hannah returned to the show, the s/l arc took an abrupt change in direction, like all the complexity they'd set up between Deb and Dexter and been exploring in the last two seasons and first half of S8 was dropped. Or, at the very least, kind of just an afterthought to support the Hexter (?do they have a portmanteau) relationship. I really hope I'm wrong about how this is all going to turn out, but with the heavy pimping of Dexter's love for Hannah and Harrison's adoration of her also (did they even have any scenes together the first time round? I suppose they did but I didn't get that Harrison was as caught up in Hannah that time as he is being depicted as being now). Anyways, my gut is telling me that Saxon is going to kill Deb and then Hexter and Harrison will leave for Argentina. I actually think they're going to give Dexter a happy ever after and a clean slate. Of course, it'd cost him his sister, but that actually is part of the clean slate and not feeling guilty about leaving Deb behind.

I just feel like Deb has been painted into a corner with how she's sacrificed so much to protect Dexter and it's all closing in on her. If Dexter goes down, Deb's going to go down. Like I said, I really hope it doesn't pan out that way because on the surface at least, it all feels like a bit of a cop out to me. I suppose it depends on how it's played out, but yeah, I've got a bad feeling about this. LOL

As for what I think is a fitting end for Dexter... well, I'd see both Dex and Deb being killed one way or the other. Deb being killed by Saxon, Dex looking to avenge her death and ending up with both Saxon and himself being killed. It all comes out about everything and Hannah ends up back in prison. Meanwhile, Harrison is now an orphan and I'd like to see Angel step up and look to adopt him, just like Harry adopted an orphaned Dexter. And the very last scene would be us seeing Harrison killing a hamster or something, leaving us knowing that the cycle was about to repeat itself all over again... close to black.

I know, a bit dark, but it's Dexter, it's not meant to be rainbows and butterflies. I guess we'll all know soon enough where they go with this thing. Anyways, whatever happens, it's been a great ride and I've certainly had fun delving into the fanfic world with this show. :D

And speaking of such, why don't I just let you get on with reading the chapter now, seeing as you've so politely sat through my ramblings. LOL

Hope you enjoy...

Chapter FOURTEEN

"Tell the truth, or someone will tell it for you."
~Stephanie Klein

Straight Up and Dirty: A Memoir

Dexter sat in his car, across from Evelyn Vogel's house and rehearsed how he was going to casually sound the woman out about Debra. He knew Debra was still seeing the psychiatrist regularly and Dexter felt like he needed some kind of gauge of where his sister was at before attempting to see her. Running his hand through his hair, Dexter felt a flash of frustration at how uncertain he'd become when it came to all things Debra Morgan. And it wasn't just that he never seemed to know how Debra was going to be with him anymore but more so that Dexter didn't know how he was going to react to her. Two days ago they'd been enjoying a sweet family day out, laughing together and just being as normal as they knew how. Dexter had his sister back and all was right with the world. But then that moment of sexual heat had cropped up between them and all Dexter had been able to think about was being with the woman, Debra, not the sister. How was Debra meant to know how to go on with this relationship when he couldn't even figure out what he wanted it to be? His lips thinned in frustrated anxiety.

We're still drowning each other. We've managed a few breaths of air but then it's back to sinking under those dark waters.

Dexter knew this was all his fault and he knew he had to be the one to fix this. Debra didn't deserve his confusion and mixed messages. She deserved so much better than that and Dexter was determined to work out a way to give her just that. He climbed out of his car, locked it and quickly crossed the road to Vogel's house. Dexter knocked a few times, even calling out Dr Vogel's name but there was no response.

I should have called before I came by. It was stupid to take a chance but then stupid chances are all I seem to do these days.

His cell phone rang and Dexter quickly pulled it from his pocket to answer. "Yes?"

"Dexter, where are you?" asked Angel. "Lunch is almost over and we've got the rest of the seminar to sit through."

"Harrison's school called," lied Dexter automatically. "Sorry, I won't be able to make it back in time."

Angel sighed. "I guess that's okay. I mean, I don't think you were the target of this sexual harassment lock down anyways. Meanwhile Masuka is trying to ask the woman out on a date." He gave a grunt. "I gotta stop him before he makes us have to sit through a whole week of this waste of time."

"Good luck," said Dexter and hung up.

Okay, a free afternoon, what am I going to do with that?

Dexter eyed the door in front of him, annoyed that he hadn't been able to speak to Vogel about Debra. He shifted his weight from one foot to the other, a thought occurring to him.

But then maybe I don't need to actually speak to Vogel at all.

Dexter walked over to where he knew the older woman kept her spare key and retrieved it, using it to gain entrance into her house. He looked around, calling out one more time to make sure he was alone. "Dr Vogel?" There was still no reply.

Even if she turns up I'll just say I was checking up on her because of Yates still being on the loose.

That was another thing which was irritating Dexter. He'd been trying to hunt down Yates ever since the day of the kidnapping but to no avail. There was always the possibility that the guy had left town for good but Dexter wasn't willing to gamble with his family's safety to leave such a thing to chance. Besides, the guy deserved to die after what he'd done to Debra and all those other women. It was unfinished business and the knowledge unsettled Dexter. To have Yates out in the ethers, the threat of him reappearing at any moment, was an unacceptable one.

One problem at a time.

Dexter walked over to where Vogel's laptop was sitting on her desk. He quickly sat down at the desk and opened up the laptop. The computer was still on and Dexter shook his head at how lax the older woman was with her cyber-security. Fortunately it served his purposes today. I few clicks at different folders on the desktop had Dexter into Vogel's patient files. He found Debra's easily. The mouse hovered over the icon for a moment.

What am I doing? This is such an invasion of privacy.

Dexter's brow wrinkled as he realised how desperate he'd become when it came to Debra. He just needed to get control of this situation and part of that was knowing where Debra was at. Had Debra already told Vogel about their trysts? Dexter hoped not, but he had to confess, he'd have been interested to know what Vogel would have made of such things. He gave a grunt of annoyance over how many unanswered questions were floating around in his head. Dexter didn't think about it anymore, he just clicked on the file icon with Debra's name on it. Neatly typed out notes of Vogel's sessions with the younger Morgan child filled the screen. Dexter hastily skimmed through them, looking for the latest entries.

"...Debra continues to struggle with feelings of guilt over her involvement in LaGuerta's death. Her love for her brother and need to protect him and their relationship continues to cause Debra to be in conflict between her understanding of her own moral centre and what she comprehends as her emotions. Whilst in recent times Debra had started to reconcile the events of the past with who she wants to define herself as a person in the present, I'm increasingly concerned that she is showing herself to be unwilling to incorporate the full ramifications of her pregnancy into that growth..."

Dexter blinked, the words on the page suddenly not making sense to him. He quickly went back a sentence.

"...I'm increasingly concerned that she is showing herself to be unwilling to incorporate the full ramifications of her pregnancy into that growth..."

Dexter felt his heart lurch in his chest, painfully so. There was a sudden ringing in his ears followed by the sound of blood thundering through his veins.

Deb's pregnant? No, it can't be. I'd know... wouldn't I?

Dexter bent over the computer screen, frantically reading on to find the answers to the many questions crowding his head.

"...Whilst I've advised Debra to take time to consider all of her options with this unplanned pregnancy, I fear she has allowed herself to feel she has only one. It's only been a week since discovering her pregnancy and I believe Debra to still be in shock. Obviously with the father of the child already being deceased..."

Deceased?

Dexter's mind raced, trying to put all the pieces together. There was only one person that could be, given the timing – Andrew Briggs. Dexter put a shaky hand to his head as the implications of that sank in.

I've killed the father of my unborn nephew or niece.

Dexter closed his eyes.

Fuck.

He forced his eyes open again, needing to know the whole story now. Needing to know Debra didn't hate him for this new injustice he'd visited upon her.

"...the father of the child already being deceased, this places more pressure on Debra and as she has always undervalued herself and her abilities, it's easy to understand why she would look at the thought of impending motherhood as just something else for her to fail at. Also, her primary bent will always be towards protecting Dexter and their relationship. The child of one of Dexter's victims walking around in their lives would be a constant reminder of the great many compromises Debra has to make to keep her brother in her life. The strain of this over the coming years could undeniably eat away at the foundations of their relationship, something both Debra and Dexter are at near fanatical levels to protect. If Debra terminates this pregnancy to protect her relationship with Dexter, I fear the exact opposite will happen. The breakdown of the bond the siblings share would have a hugely destabilising effect in their lives..."

Dexter kept reading, but it was just more musings about Debra and the consequences of her actions if she didn't fully come to terms with her pregnancy. He slumped back in the chair, head reeling.

Debra's pregnant.

Suddenly that extended sickness made sense. Dexter cursed himself for not having even considered the possibility. Debra had been on a self-destructive bender the whole time with Briggs. Drowning her pain and guilt in a haze of drugs, alcohol and sex, it was pretty easy to see how birth control might have been low on her list of concerns. Dexter lifted his hand and covered his face. "Deb," he said raggedly, thinking of his sister being alone through all of this and how terrified she must be. "Deb."

oooOOOOooo

Debra moved a little on the padded table she was sitting up on, feet dangling over the edge. Her white, backless gown under which she was completely naked, made her feel vulnerable and exposed. She gripped the edge of the procedure bed and told herself it was all going to be over soon.

A middle-aged African American woman walked into the room and smiled pleasantly at her. "Hello, Ms Morgan, I'm Dr Fields, I'll be performing your procedure today."

Debra gave a short nod of her head. "Hi," she said tersely, just wanting this over and done with already.

The woman took a seat on a stool in front of her and started to look at the clip board full of notes she'd walked in with. "Now, I'm just confirming what is happening today for you. You're fifteen weeks, which means we are unable to offer you a medical termination. Instead we'll be performing a surgical termination." She looked up from her notes. "You haven't eaten today?"

"No," said Debra hoarsely.

"It's alright to be nervous," soothed the doctor. "But this procedure will be over very quickly. You know that our clinic offers counselling post procedure as some women can find they have emotional issues following an experience like this."

Debra moved restlessly on the table. "Okay, yeah, whatever. Can we just do this already?"

"Did you bring someone with you?" asked Dr Fields. "You won't be able to drive for 24 hours after the procedure."

"I caught a taxi," said a resolute Debra.

"But you came alone?"

Her jaw hardened. "So, what of it?"

The doctor's manner remained quietly understanding. "It's just that many women find it helpful to someone to be released to-"

"Yeah, well, I'm not most women," said Debra harshly. "Now, can we fucking do this or what?" The other woman arched an eyebrow at her tone and Debra grimaced. "I'm sorry," she mumbled, "I didn't meant to be rude. I just-I just want this to be over with, you know?"

"I understand," said the doctor sympathetically. "I just don't want you to underestimate the impact something like this may have on you, once it's over. Many women are blind-sided by feelings of guilt and self-loathing after something like this."

Debra's lips quirked in a humourless smile. "Don't worry, I've already got the self-loathing thing covered. I'm an expert."

"Just know there are options to bottling this all up," said the doctor kindly. "It's important you work through all of your emotions about what you're doing. You have a right to choose what happens to your body. You shouldn't ever feel guilty about that."

Debra looked away and rubbed her arm with a cold hand. "I'm not going to feel guilty," she said dully. "I've used up all my guilt for my other mistakes."

The doctor handed her the clip board. "If you're sure, then I just need you to sign these consent forms and we can start."

Debra took the offered clipboard and picked up the attached pen. A sticker with 'Sign Here' printed on it was at the bottom of the form. Debra didn't even bother reading through all the disclaimers, she just signed and handed the paperwork back to the doctor.

"Lie back down and I'll be back shortly and we can get underway." Dr Fields stood up. "Just try and relax and this will be over soon, Ms Morgan."

"Not soon enough," muttered Debra as she swung her legs up onto the table and lay back down. She stared up at sterile white ceiling trying to think about nothing. Unbidden Dexter's face flashed before her eyes and it was all Debra could do not to groan aloud. She didn't want him here, not even in her head. This was something she had to do to protect them all. There was no way Debra could accept herself as being capable of being any kind of mother. She was a fuck up, always had been, always would be. No child deserved to be lumbered with that and with Dexter as a father, what chance would this kid have anyway? It was the only way. Debra lay there, strengthening her resolve and just wanting this day to be over already.

oooOOOOooo

"Deb?" Dexter walked into Debra's beachside unit and looked around.

"She's out of town, remember?" came Harry's voice from behind him.

"I know," said Dexter as he walked into the kitchen. "At least, that's what she told me. Who knows if that was true or not."

Harry followed Dexter into the small kitchen. "You're mad at her?"

"No," said Dexter shortly, "I'm not mad at Deb." He grimaced and faced Harry. "I just don't like it when she keeps secrets from me." After the first wave of shock had worn off, all Dexter could think about was seeing Debra, being with her and making sure she was alright. On the way over to her unit, Dexter couldn't help but turn over the events of the weekend in his head. Debra had known she was pregnant then and hadn't told him. The rational part of Dexter completely understood why but he couldn't completely drown out that less reasonable little voice in his head.

I hate it when she hides from me.

Harry arched an eyebrow. "That's just a little bit hypocritical coming from you, isn't it, son? When it comes to keeping secrets-"

"I know," said Dexter in agitation. "I know I'm being unreasonable but Deb is pregnant-" He was forced to stop and swallow hard, the whole concept still hard to comprehend. "She shouldn't be going through this alone." Dexter scowled. "Deb always used to come to me with her problems. Now I feel like I'm always playing catch up."

"Do you understand why she wouldn't want to share this particular event in her life with you?" asked Harry dryly. "You killed the father of Deb's unborn child."

"I was trying to protect her," Dexter ground out. "She didn't belong with Briggs. He was a junkie loser and a thief. Deb deserves so much better than that."

"Did she deserve to see you kill the guy in front of her eyes?"

Dexter scowled. "He forced my hand. I had to protect myself."

"You may see it that way, but maybe Debra doesn't. You two have never really talked about it."

"There was nothing to say," said Dexter shortly.

"Maybe there is now," observed Harry.

"But everything has been fine with Deb and me," said Dexter in anguish. "Vogel's notes said Deb found out last week that she was pregnant with Brigg's child. If she was upset with me over the whole thing, why has she been acting so normal around me?"

"Maybe because that's what it was, an act," suggested Harry.

"No," said Dexter sharply, "I know when Deb isn't being straight with me."

"Of course you do, isn't that why you've violated both Dr Vogel and your sister's privacy today? You know something isn't right with Debra. That's why you're here."

"Yes, but not that," said Dexter, trying to order his thoughts. "I was worried about-about-"

"About the fact you two almost had sex again?" supplied Harry. His tone became disapproving. "What are you doing, Dexter? You can't keep playing with Debra's emotions like this."

"Don't you think I know that," snapped Dexter. He stalked out into the living room. "And that isn't my intention. I don't want to feel this way about Deb. She's my sister!"

Harry stayed in the kitchen but continued to talk. "And you're her brother but ever since she walked in on you killing Travis you've both become more than that to each other." He sighed heavily. "Maybe you two always were. I don't know." Harry looked away. "It's such a mess."

"Your pep talks are losing their peppiness," noted Dexter dourly.

"It's pretty hard to put a positive spin on this one, son," noted Harry truthfully. "I'm worried about your sister."

"And you don't think I am?" asked an aggrieved Dexter. "What if Vogel is right and Debra is going to end this pregnancy because she wants to protect our relationship? Deb will end up hating me for that."

"This isn't about you, Dexter. This is about Debra."

"But that's the point," said Dexter tersely, "we're not separate entities anymore. What affects one of us, affects the other. We're wrapped around each other now."

Hopelessly entwined.

His gaze was caught by an appointment card lying on the coffee table. Dexter bent over and picked it up. 'Women's Health Clinic' was emblazoned on the card with and date and time, today's date and 1pm. Still sitting on the coffee table was a folded up piece of paper. Dexter quickly retrieved it and skimmed the page over. It was a list of instructions how to prepare for a surgical termination of a pregnancy. All the blood drained from Dexter's face as he realised why Debra had said she was going to be 'out of town' for the next couple of days. "She's having an abortion," he rasped. "Today."

"That's Debra's right to choose, Dex," said Harry, tone serious.

"I know that," said Dexter hoarsely, "but Deb shouldn't be alone at a time like this."

And I know that she is, punishing herself with this self-inflicted exile.

"If Debra wanted you there, she'd have said so," argued Harry.

"No, she wouldn't have," disagreed Dexter stubbornly. "I can't just abandon her to do this by herself." He glanced at his watch, seeing that it was already a quarter past one. Dexter's heart skipped a beat as he started towards the door.

"Dexter," warned Harry, following him out, "you can't stop Debra from doing this."

"That isn't what I was going to do," said Dexter, not slowing his pace as he crossed the road to his car.

"Then what are you going to do?" called out Harry from behind him.

Dexter hesitated, his hand on car door now. He stared at his own reflection in the glass. "Deb needs me."

Harry's reflection joined Dexter's in the glass of the door. "Is that true or do you just want it to be true?"

Harry's right, I don't really know what Deb is thinking or feeling about all of this. I only know this desperate feeling inside of me won't go away until I'm with her again.

Dexter was afraid of what going through something like this by herself would do to Debra. She was alone and vulnerable and Dexter could no more stand by and let that play out then he could when she'd been taken by Yates. He yanked open the car door and climbed in, trying to ignore the worried look on Harry's face.

"What makes you so sure you can offer Debra what she needs right now?" Harry quizzed him sternly.

Dexter turned his head, a determined expression on his face. "What makes you so sure I can't?"

"Emotions aren't your strong point, Dexter," pointed out Harry in concern. "You're out of your depth."

Dexter turned the key in the ignition. "Just as well I'm a good swimmer then." With that he put the car into gear and pulled away from the curb, hoping some of that bravado would hang around for when he actually saw Debra because as of that moment, he didn't know what he was going to say or do when he saw her again.

Like always...