A/N: Because we all knew this eventually was going to happen…

Chapter 13
The little of them she had
June 1913

As was their regular custom they met at the end of the day in his pantry to share a small glass of wine and discuss the events of the day. Such was her own state of confusion over the letter she´d received from Harold earlier that afternoon that it took Elsie a while to notice that Charles appeared rather distracted as well.

´Are you alright, Charles?´ she asked carefully, eyeing him closely.

He roused out of his musings and looked at her apologetically. ´I´m sorry, Elsie, I´m fine… I´m just… well actually there is… I´ve been meaning to tell you…´ slowly but surely he became bright red and eventually closed his mouth.

´Really Charles,´ she laughed softly, a little startled by his flustered behaviour. ´Whatever it is, just say it. It can´t be that bad, can it?´

´No… no… it isn´t,´ he replied hastily. ´In fact I believe it can considered to be good news… all in all…´

Now she was burning with curiosity. Setting down her wineglass she looked at him intently, almost ready two wring the words out of him. ´Let´s have it then!´

´Well…´ she noticed he was looking everywhere except directly at her. ´A while ago I became acquainted with a lady. I… she…´ he was really having the hardest time forming the words. ´We have both enjoyed this contact a lot… that is to say, I have and I presume she enjoys it to… at any rate… I believe that this person could become… very dear to my person…´ He finally looked at her, his eyes almost begging her to help him out.

But she was too busy coming to terms with what he´d just told her to be of any help. Her mind was spinning, trying to make sense of the words. ´Charles… do you mean to say… are you saying that you are courting this woman?´ she eventually asked very tentatively.

He seemed relieved to get any reaction at all from her and he nodded seriously. ´Not yet, and it´s too early to presume that I ever will. But I hope to meet her soon. And who knows what will become of it…´ he faltered, a rather torn expression on his face.

´How… how did you became acquainted with her?´ Elsie managed to ask, hearing how hallow her voice sounded all of a sudden.

´I met her while ago… ´ he answered somewhat vaguely. ´I do not know her very well yet, but I´ve grown fond of her… very fond. For some time now I consider her to be a close friend.´

´That´s wonderful,´ the effort to smile actually hurt her face. She stared at the man sitting in front of him as if she saw him for the first time. She knew him better than perhaps anyone else. She knew the lines in his face, she knew every single one of his smiles. She knew that his eyes were in fact a dark blue, but that you´d have to look close to see it. She knew from the way his lips moved in what mood he was, she had thought she knew every little thing about him. Thought that perhaps she knew him even better then he knew himself. And from that knowledge a sense of belonging had evolved. Because she knew him so well, he belonged to her, as she belonged to him. But now she could feel him moving away from her. There was this whole part of him that would never be hers. The suitor, the lover, the husband. It all belonged to this mysterious woman he had suddenly sprung on her.
Her head started to pound and she felt a monstrous headache coming up, but his voice cut through her thoughts.

´Do you think I´m a great fool for wanting to do this?´ he asked hesitantly, embarrassment clearly written over his face.

´No…´ she shook her head, trying to keep her voice under control as she continued ardently: ´Of course you´re not. If you really care for her then… ´ her voice choked up, despite her best efforts and she could feel the tears starting to burn behind her eyes. ´You´re not a fool, Charles. Never.´

Now he looked rather imploringly at her. ´Are you alright, Elsie?´

´Of course I am,´ she nodded vigorously, throwing in a little laugh for good measure. ´I have a bit of a headache. I think I´ll just retire early.´

´Of course!´ Immediately all concern and worry he got to his feet and extended his hand to help her up. ´Can I get you anything to ease the pain – an aspirin perhaps?´

´No, thank you,´ she replied quietly. ´A good night´s sleep is probably all I need.´ She met his gaze and bit her lip. ´Charles… I hope you have a good time meeting this friend… She´s very lucky to have you call her that…´

When he gave her softest of smiles in return, she felt the loss of him even more pointedly. With tears now threatening to spill over, she turned away and slipped out of his pantry.

She didn´t sleep a wink that night and after two ´o clock in the morning she simply gave up trying. She got out of bed and pulled the curtains of the small window back. Putting a pair of socks on her chilled feet, she bundled up in her dressing gown she sat against the headboard of her bed, arms wrapped around her raised knees, staring out of the window into the night. What she wondered about the most was the question where he had ever met this woman and how he had managed to get so close to her as to contemplate pursuing her. He was always at Downton, except for the months he spend in London during the Season… she groaned out loud and closed her eyes.

Of course! He had met her in London last year during the Season. This year his Lordship had asked him to remain behind and look after a few matters, mostly related to the arrival of Mr Crawley. She´d assumed that he hadn´t mind, that he´d rather be at Downton than at the Grantham House. But she had noticed during the last few weeks that his behaviour had been a little odd. He kept to himself a lot, even for his private character. She had often caught him staring in the distance as if something was weighing on his mind.

Was he in love with her? Would he pursue her? He had appeared hesitant, but not unwilling. Would he leave service when he chose to marry this woman? She couldn´t bear the thought. Who would ever fill his shoes? How was she ever going to get used to working here without him? No, she decided there in the darkness of her room. Whatever happened, if he would only stay she would remain somewhat content.

Then she realized that if he stayed after his marriage it would mean his wife would come to Downton as well. And instead of turning to her when something bothered him, he would go to his wife. They would revert to ´Mr Carson´ and ´Mrs Hughes´ and that would be the end of it. She would be forced to watch as he loved this woman and build a life with her. She had cried a little upon entering her room, more out of shock at the news than anything else, but now the tears started to roll down over her cheeks and she wasn´t able to restrain them. When the first sob escaped from her throat the dam broke and soon she was sobbing into her knees, crying her heart out.

A small part of herself remained dispatched from it all, as if she was watching herself from above, wondering incredulously what had gotten into her. She had always known Charles didn´t return her feelings. She had attempted for years to mould those feelings back to an acceptable state of friendship. He was her best friend. They made an unbeatable team. And even if sometimes when she laid in bed and thought of him she still wished that she was so much more to him, she had come to grown content, even pleased with the life she was leading now. Not even most married couples could boast on the closeness she and Charles shared. All in all, she thought she couldn´t complain. Until now. Until she was faced with losing that little of ´them´ that there was.

After a sleepless night the morning dragged on like a log. She had a furious argument with Mrs Patmore about – what else – the key to the storage cabinet, Rose broke a rather valuable antique vase and cried about it all morning, hardly getting any work done. Every time she came across Thomas he seemed to be on a ´cigarette break´ until she finally snapped and asked him if it was in fact his day off and she had to deal with one of the village´ merchants completely mucking up a simple order for cleaning supplies.

When afternoon came she excused herself and went to the village to order supplies again at the store. On her way back she passed the Crawley House and as it came in sight she lowered her pace, contemplating whether or not it would be very inappropriate to call on Isobel in the middle of the afternoon. Just at that moment Isobel turned the corner across the street, smiling broadly as she got sight of her friend.

´I don´t suppose you have the time to come in for a cup of tea?´ she asked regretfully as they met in front of Crawley House.

´Well, actually…´ Elsie replied, hesitating if she could be missed for another hour.

´Are you alright?´ Isobel asked, a hint of worry on her face. ´You look a little run down if you don´t mind me saying so.´

Feeling suddenly very anxious to talk this over with another woman, a friend she trusted and who could shed some sensible light on the events, Elsie found herself shaking her head. ´If you got a minute… there´s something I need to tell you.´

´I´ve got more than a minute,´ Isobel replied decidedly. Taking her by the arm, she led Elsie inside. A little while later they were seated in the parlour. After Moseley had served their tea and had disappeared, Isobel looked questioningly to the nervous woman sitting across from her on the settee. ´What´s going on?´ she asked softly.

´It´s silly really…´ Elsie began, feeling very embarrassed. ´Yesterday evening Cha- Mr Carson… Charles and I were drinking tea in his pantry and he told me that he has met someone… a woman… who he is planning to court.´ Much to her mortification a fresh wave of tears overtook her the moment the words left her mouth.

´Oh Elsie…´ in an instant Isobel had crossed the room and sat down next to her on the sofa, wrapping her arm around her shoulder. ´I´m so sorry… how devastated you must be.´

´It´s so foolish…´ Elsie finally managed to hiccup, gratefully accepting the offered handkerchief. ´There´s nothing between us that surpasses friendship… he´s not obliged to me in any way, but…´

´You wished it was different?´ Isobel ventured carefully.

Elsie nodded quietly, her face a picture of sadness. ´I can´t imagine Charles with someone else…´ After a few silent moments in which she wiped her face and regained some of control, Elsie looked sideways. ´How did you know?´

Isobel smiled a little guilty. ´I wasn´t sure, but I had my suspicions. I thought to hear your preference when you talked about him, or rather how you talk about him. And a while ago, when you were describing your ideal man, I realized later that Mr Carson fitted that description to the letter.´

´Not much gets past you, does it?´ Elsie asked, a small smile appearing on her face. ´But you´re right… I was thinking about him when I said that. Unfortunately the feeling isn´t mutual.´

Deciding to let that last remark pass for the time being, Isobel focused on something else. ´Do you know where he met this woman and how far their understanding has progressed?´

´Charles was rather vague about it,´ Elsie replied thoughtfully. ´I suppose they met in London during the Season last year. They are not courting yet, but he says he intends to.´

´Well then, perhaps it will all lead to nothing,´ Isobel reasoned. ´They are not an established couple yet, perhaps she doesn´t return his feelings.´

Elsie shook her head doubtfully. ´But this is Charles Carson… him saying that he intends to court her is as good as a marriage proposal. He´s the most private, cautious person I know, he would never tell me about it if he didn´t feel confident it would all lead somewhere.´

´Have you always felt this way about Mr Carson?´ Isobel asked tentatively.

Elsie laughed and shook her head, relaxing against the sofa. ´Goodness no! When I first met him I thought he was a pompous stuck-in-the-mud. He was already butler when I came to Downton as head housemaid. I respected him and I thought he ran a tight staff, but for Pete´s sake… he was so stiff and bend on the rules.

´I wasn´t even thirty when I came to Downton and although I took my job seriously and I worked hard, I also wanted to have some fun. One night…´ Elsie giggled as she remembered it. ´There was a fancy fair in Rippon with a dance afterwards on Saturday night. Me, some of the maids and the two footmen were allowed to attend. But when we were there we had such a good time that we lost track of time and missed the stagecoach. Once we discovered we missed it, we decided we might as well enjoy the dance a little longer.´

´How did you get home?´ Isobel asked, grinning.

´We walked!´ Elsie snorted. ´We left around midnight and we were home around four o´clock in the morning. You can well imagine how sore my feet were after dancing all night in my fancy shoes.´

´Did Mr Carson ever find out?´ Isobel asked, enjoying the story very much.

´I don´t think he did,´ Elsie replied, ´we sneaked back in the house. I had to climb the tree near the drawing room to get to the top so I could smuggle into her Ladyship´s dressing room before rushing downstairs to open to servant´s entrance to the others.´

With a bit of a wry smile she added: ´The things I could do when I was young!´

´But then your opinion of him changed?´ Isobel asked.

Elsie nodded, her gaze turning softer. ´I think it started when I became housekeeper and I got to know him better. Night long outings to Rippon were then out of the question of course, but I found that I enjoyed my friendship with Charles a lot. He became easier, less unbendable. He has a wonderful sense of humour and he is fiercely loyal. It´s one of the things I love the most about him. If he has opened his heart to you he will go to hell and back for you. I know that he isn´t in love with me, but I do know that he cares for me a great deal. He has always supported me. We can have a heated argument about something silly and then five minutes later he is telling a couple of housemaids off for talking behind my back.

After two years or so after I´d become housekeeper and I had gotten to know him better I noticed he often appeared a little lonely and I thought it would be nice for him if he were to meet someone. I even went as far as to look around in the village for someone who could make him happy. I even found someone I thought he would get along with well. But as I was trying to think of a scheme to get the two of them to meet, I realized all of a sudden that I couldn´t stomach the idea of him with someone else. That I rather would like to have a chance to make him happy myself.´ Elsie´s smile turned regretful. ´I never introduced him to that woman.´

´But you never told him either?´ Isobel asked sadly.

Elsie shook her head. ´He never gave me any indication that he might feel the same way. And things would have been so awkward between us if he had rejected me, so I never took the risk.

And for the last couple of years I´ve just assumed we would both remained at Downton as butler and housekeeper until we dropped dead. And I could have lived with that.´

Isobel chuckled at the last comment, but quickly became serious. ´Elsie, you´re not going to ´drop dead´ as you put it for quite a long time. Why shouldn´t you have a love interest?´

Elsie smiled wryly. ´Well, that´s the other thing I should tell you… I told you about the gentleman I´ve been writing to of late?´

´Yes,´ Isobel replied, puzzled by this sudden change of subject.

´Well, he has written me again yesterday and he has asked to meet me.´

´Really?´ Isobel exclaimed, he eyes turning the size of saucers. ´And will you?´

´I don´t know…´ Elsie answered, wringing her hands fretfully. ´It all seems a bit sudden and what if I don´t like him at all, of if he doesn´t like me?´

Impossible,´ Isobel declared. ´But aren´t you curious to find how what he´s like?´

´I am,´ Elsie replied, ´but it wouldn´t be right either way.´

´Why ever not?´ Isobel asked, bewildered. ´I thought that was the whole point of your correspondence.´

´Well, for one thing I am not certain about his intentions.' Elsie blushed and searched for the right words. ´What if he wants to turn this friendship into something more?´

´How would you feel about that?´ Isobel was beginning to feel how complicated her friends´ life had become of late.

´I like him a lot,´ Elsie confessed. ´More than I ever thought I would. He´s kind and honest and in a way I think he would suit me perfectly, but… ´

´But what?´ Isobel pressed gently.

´Isn´t it unfair to meet him while I have feelings for another man?´ Elsie asked distressed. ´I would feel so dishonest.´

´I don´t think you have a reason to,´ Isobel answered sensibly. ´You´ll be agreeing to meet him for a cup of tea, not a marriage. If you don´t like him, you can always end the acquaintance.´

´But wouldn´t that be calculating?´ Elsie asked frowning.

´I don´t see it that way,´ Isobel replied. ´You´ve been writing for a while now and you have gotten to know each other rather well. But you can only really know a person if you meet him. Only then you know if there is something there worth pursuing. If you meet him and that something isn´t there… I think it would be only honest to tell him that.´

´I´m afraid I´ll keep comparing him to Charles and that he will never live up to that.´ Elsie admitted softly.

´Let me ask you this then,´ Isobel countered. ´If it hadn´t been for Charles, and you would only have his letters to go by, would you have considered him as a suitor?´

´I don´t know,´ Elise answered thoughtfully. ´I think I might have…´

´Well and that´s only from his letters. Perhaps if you are to meet him and you give it some time, you may grow very fond of him. And if you don´t, then at least you will know for certain.´

Elsie nodded, slowly going through her thoughts. ´I think I will meet him,´ she said eventually. ´I don´t expect to be swept off my feet, but it would be nice to deepen our friendship. At any rate, I need to let go of Charles. He´s never going to return my feelings and that´s all there is to it.´

Isobel could feel a lump forming at her throat. Although Elsie attempted to sound firm, the slight tremor of her voice betrayed just how heartbroken she was.

´I need to get back to the house, everyone will wonder where I´ve scampered off too,´ Elsie announced, getting to her feet. Rising as well, Isobel wrapped her arms around her shoulders in a tight hug.

´Are you going to be alright?´ she asked, still concerned.

´I will be,´ Elsie replied, wiping her face one last time as she headed for the door. ´Or at least in a little while.

Isobel watched her leave from the window of her parlour, thinking grimly she could quite cheerfully strangle Charles Carson.

As always, I´d love to hear what you think!