He Wasn't Him At All

Steven thought he understood perfectly; Lapis thought she explained thoroughly.

Truth be told, they were both wrong.

In their joint defenses, she wasn't really forming coherent sentences; she had clearly been wound too tight, and her wires simply snapped. Steven, on the other hand, sleep-deprived and breathless from the length of the night, saw things one degree too far.

Had anyone been listening it, the conversation might have even been tragic.

"Steven, listen to me. Carefully. I don't know why, or how, but you've been...um, affected. That's what's we've been… you're not yourself. White Diamond did something, and you can't tell, but she's made you… something that you're not."

"I'm not saying it's fair. And it's okay if you have a lot of questions. Ugh, I'm bad at this. I sort of wish Pree could tell you this, she's sort of… better at logical things. But Peridot and I talked about it a lot, so I feel like I can explain it. You know the dreams you've been having? And you've been hearing and seeing White Diamond? Well, it's not possible, Steven. It's something she's done to you. We… they think, The Crystal Gems think, you might be… well, a different version of you. A copy, maybe? Something with all of your memories, like an illusion, made to be just like you. We think you-you might be on Homeworld, still. And that this-you, is… something White Diamond has created."

"Steven, say something. You're scaring me. I just feel like Pearl and Garnet were…"

"Lapis, listen. Just…. stop. You don't have to explain anything. I get it... I think I always have."

"Y-you… You're not saying…"

"Y-yeah. You were right, not to trust me. And you don't have to apologize. I understand, Lapis. I, well, I guess I lied to you all too, didn't I?"

"...This changes everything, you know that, right?"

"Steven…"

"Stop. Don't say anything else. You shouldn't tell me anything else."

"It wasn't… I'm sorry. I didn't want any of this. You understand that?"

"Yeah. I… understand. You can go back to the others, if you want. I think I might stay here for awhile."

"I'm not really surprised if you guys are a little… weirded out by this. I mean, who wouldn't be? I'm dangerous. She, White Diamond… it's all an information game to her. And I can tell you're disappointed in me. I mean, I think everyone is… I am. I shouldn't have stuck around after I knew. Thanks, Lapis. You did the right thing."

"I'm sorry. You understand why I can't stay on Earth now?"

"I… I guess I do."

"I wish things didn't have to be like this."

"Me neither."

"Is this goodbye?"

"I… I guess it is."

Lapis

She had tried to start from the beginning, so maybe it wouldn't hurt so much for him to come to terms with the idea. How else can you explain hey, by the way, we don't trust you and think you're a illusion from Homeworld sent to manipulate us?

"Steven, listen to me. Carefully. I don't know why, or how, but you've been...um, affected . That's what's we've been… you're not yourself. White Diamond did something, and you can't tell, but she's made you… something that you're not."

He remained quiet, simply looking at her with something between anxiety and confusion spelled across his brow. She took that as an invitation to continue.

"I'm not saying it's fair. And it's okay if you have a lot of questions. Ugh, I'm bad at this. I sort of wish Pree could tell you this, she's sort of… better at logical things. But Peridot and I talked about it a lot, so I feel like I can explain it. You know the dreams you've been having? And you've been hearing and seeing White Diamond? Well, it's not possible, Steven. It's something she's done to you . We… they think, The Crystal Gems think, you might be… well, a different version of you. A copy, maybe? Something with all of your memories, like an illusion, made to be just like you. We think you-you might be on Homeworld, still. And that this-you, is… something White Diamond has created."

Steven pursed his lips and stared at the sky for a long, silent three minutes. It was by far the slowest, most tense one-hundred eighty seconds of Lapis' long, long life.

At about the one-hundred and seventy-ninth second, Lapis decided she simply couldn't stand it anymore.

"Steven, say something. You're scaring me. I just feel like Pearl and Garnet were…"

"Lapis, listen. Just…. stop. You don't have to explain anything. I get it... I think I always have."

The gem's mouth opened slightly, but she otherwise froze so entirely one might have thought she was carved from stone.

No.

"Y-you…"

It can't be.

"You're not saying… "

He sat forward and played with some grass between his fingers."Y-yeah. You were right, not to trust me. And you don't have to apologize. I understand, Lapis. I, well, I guess I lied to you all too, didn't I?"

Steven hesitated for a moment, but with a slow exhale he added a thought with uncharacteristic finality.

"...This changes everything, you know that, right?"

Lapis thought she could hear the ocean from here, replacing the serene sounds of nature, a crashing a pulling sensation causing her eyes to grow moist.

" Steven… "

"Stop ." Steven raised a hand between them. "Don't say anything else. You shouldn't tell me anything else."

She felt the tears start to spill over, the meaning behind his words sinking in. He wasn't him at all.

He wasn't Steven at all.

After a stunned pause, Lapis lowered her head and glowered at the dirt, raising a hand to angrily brush the hair out of her face.

"It wasn't… I'm sorry. I didn't want any of this. You understand that?" She stood abruptly and took a step away, towards the trees at the nearest edge of the meadow. She was walking backwards though, never taking her eyes from him.

With an inhale, the thing that resembled her most trusted friend replied stiffly. "Yeah. I… understand. You can go back to the others, if you want. I think I might stay here for awhile."

Despite the tumultuous emotions inside of her, the idea of leaving Steven behind - no, it's not Steven - leaving that behind… still felt wrong. The others would be furious. Weren't they supposed to pretend everything was normal? She really messed up.

Steven seemed to sense her hesitation, so he sighed and stood up, gazing skyward. "I'm not really surprised if you guys are a little… weirded out by this. I mean, who wouldn't be? I'm dangerous. She, White Diamond… it's all an information game to her. And I can tell you're disappointed in me. I mean, I think everyone is… I am. I shouldn't have stuck around after I knew. Thanks, Lapis. You did the right thing."

His attention fluttered back to her, sadness lining the tired bags beneath his eyes.

"I'm sorry. You understand why I can't stay on Earth now?"

She returned his stare across their small stretch of meadow, feeling a universe apart. "I… I guess I do."

The flight back was a long, lonely one.

Maybe she shouldn't have done that.

But it's better that we know the truth. It's definitely, definitely better.

So he wasn't real. Pearl was right. He was still out there, in space, after all they did.

She couldn't decide if the relief was justified or not - at least she had answers.

"I'm sorry, Steven." She whispered, flying higher into the stratosphere and looking towards the final stars as they disappeared into the morning sky. She enjoyed the chill across her cold cobalt skin, wondering if he was cold, out there in space. Homeworld had never hosted organic life for very long that Lapis could remember from before the war; they hadn't seemed to change much since, either.

Not like Earth - this place seemed to change everyday.

Steven

Lapis rambled for a little while, but Steven was having a difficult time paying attention.

He was sincerely trying to focus on what Lapis was saying in the present, but it was hard. He found himself repeatedly slipping into the past, voices lingering in his ears that were neither welcome nor his own.

We've been lying to you, Steven .

For them to value you so much, I would have at least expected them to be honest with you.

"Steven, listen to me. I don't know why, or how, but you've been...um, affected . That's what's we've been… you're not yourself. White Diamond… but she's made you… something that you're not."

He began to chew on his bottom lip, watching his beach summer fun buddy reel with emotion, the conflict washing over her like an angry tide befitting her name.

"...But Peridot and I talked about it a lot, so I feel like I can explain it. You know the dreams you've been having? And you've been hearing and seeing White Diamond? Well, it's not possible, Steven. It's something she's done to you.. ."

"A copy, maybe? Something with all of your memories, like an illusion, made to be just like you. We think you-you might be on Homeworld, still. And that this-you, is… something White Diamond has created."

Blinking slowly, Steven lingered behind his closed lids for a beat too long, seeing something there that was white and frightening, a ghost of another race, a ruler of another world.

If there's one thing White Diamond had taught him, it was that knowledge predicates a lesson.

Information comes at a price.

Understanding is accompanied by pain.

This, though? This was worse than torture.

An illusion of himself? If only.

No wonder everyone had been treating him strangely. Amethyst's attitude at breakfast yesterday, Garnet ignoring him when she went to go on the mission… They realized White Diamond had a direct channel, better than pay-per-view, from Earth to Homeworld. It was all right there, tucked into the folds of his brain.

Despite the strangeness of the revelation, he was, admittedly, a tad miffed at the whole thing. He hadn't wanted to come home in the first place, he had been the one to try to warn them the first day. If they had listened to him the first time, no one would have been trodden down by lies and mistrust.

With a low sigh, Steven took a moment to push down the dull pain behind his eyes again. He looked to his left, studying Lapis' quiet form. Her own eyes were closed, but her brow was drawn tightly together. It was an expression reminiscent of regret, but not quite.

Everything felt like it was moving in slow motion, like a bad action movie, maybe, but with all of the tragedy and none of the sweet, canned resolution.

Maybe it was the night air, fresh and livening; maybe it was the chance to be fully alone with his thoughts, in spite of his living company; maybe it was the fact he had just been forced to confront everything he had grown to hate about himself. Whatever it was, this night offered some sort of strange clarity, like he could almost peek behind the veil, black and enigmatic as the truth was.

White Diamond tried to manipulate him, and for the first time, he felt like he could see it.

He didn't try hard enough. Homeworld hadn't the upper hand by default, he just folded and hid and acted like it was beyond his control. The fear of losing outweighed the chance of escaping, of winning, of changing thing. And now this was the fate he was left with, growing ever shorter like the leash around his neck.

The Gems didn't trust him. They shouldn't trust him - he told them that from the start. But he wanted to; they wanted to, and most importantly, White Diamond knew that they wouldn't be able to help themselves.

She had counted on it.

If they all let their guard down, he could be the perfect informant. The possibility of war, the secrets and strategies of the rebels, direct from the source. And if they didn't tell him anything, White Diamond was rather going to wait for him to deliver Pink Diamond's shards, or come here herself, just a few degrees less prepared than she might have been.

You are the key, Steven.

White Diamond had been the one to tell him that - again, and again. Running from reality wasn't going to change things, Steven realized that now. Action. Change. He had to do something.

Steven felt like he could see, really see for what felt like the first time, and that meant he could act with intention… but that also meant he had to go forward without fear.

"Steven, say something. You're scaring me."

Without fear.

He started to take in a breath, slow and steady, working up his nerve. but before he could form the words, Lapis began again.

"I just feel like Pearl and Garnet were…"

She was going to tell him something else about the Gems. Anything else, really, could be dangerous.

If White Diamond wanted him to sit back and listen, or to crumble and fall apart, or to panic and tell the Gems he wasn't an illusion, or to play dumb and go back to the Temple, or… to do virtually anything else that could be predictable or useful to White Diamond… well then, he was going to do the opposite.

While you are on Earth, you have another chance - maybe, with the proper state of mind, they will forfeit or forget.

Oddly, That tiny pink whale reappeared in his mind's eye, reminding him of the strange dream filled with a hundred Rose Quartzes and a thousand more questions hours and hours ago.

Has life only ever given you two choices?

"Lapis, listen." He had to go about this carefully… enough to get them to stay away, to not trust him with any secrets, but not so much that they blaze into battle out of anger. A little ruefully, he thought about Pearl, holding the Rose Quartz standard in the Strawberry Fields, but pushed the memory away.

Her lips flew shut automatically, eyes wide at the tone of his voice.

"Just… stop. You don't have to explain anything. I get it..."

With a shallow breath, he added, "I think I always have."

The worry that had etched itself across her face morphed, taking shape in a frown and a dip in her brow, reflected by her shrinking pupils.

"Y-you… you're not saying…"

Without fear.

"Y-yeah." Steven paused to clear his throat - he needed to make this convincing. Steven Universe proper wouldn't be able to keep it all together for a conversation like this, so he couldn't cry. Right now, that Steven Universe had to disappear.

"You were right, not to trust me. And you don't have to apologize. I understand, Lapis."

There was a tiny knot in his stomach that was oddly relieved when he said the ocean gem's name. If this was a conversation he had with Connie, or Pearl, or Garnet, he might not have been able to keep it together.

"I guess I lied to you all too, didn't I?"

A tense, stunned silence followed, and Lapis began to lean back slowly. She might not have even noticed, her eyes and face entirely blank, mind swallowed by some unimaginable void of recognition. Understanding is accompanied by pain, after all.

"...This changes everything, you know that, right?"

Barely, a word tumbled from her lips into the grass between them. It felt more like a valley than a patch of meadow, deep and vacant.

" Steven…"

"Stop," he repeated, a little more firmly. She needed to go, before he lost his confidence. This was a better plan than what he had before, blindly doing whatever White Diamond told him, miserable every step of the way. Right?

"Don't say anything else. You shouldn't tell me anything else."

"It wasn't… I'm sorry. I didn't want any of this. You understand that?" She stood abruptly and took a step away, towards the trees at the nearest edge of the meadow.

"Yeah. I… understand. You can go back to the others, if you want. I think I might stay here for awhile." He would have to keep his distance, willingly push everyone away, ignore the truth in favor of darkness.

The less White Diamond knew, the safer everyone would be.

"I'm not really surprised if you guys are a little… weirded out by this. I mean, who wouldn't be? I'm dangerous. She, White Diamond… it's all an information game to her." Steven spoke slowly, getting to his feet and looking up as the stars started to fade. The palest pastels of morning light had begun to streak their lonely stretch of sky, and, a little bitterly, Steven wished he had waited to talk about all of this until morning. A single night of rest, a peaceful memory shared with Connie… It would have been a nice memory to end the day with, but...

Rubbing his eyes, Steven tried to trying to dispel the mounting pressure that was starting to grow in his brain.

"And I can tell you're disappointed in me. I mean, I think everyone is… I am. I shouldn't have stuck around after I knew. Thanks, Lapis. You did the right thing."

He stared at her for a long moment, seeing nothing related to this corporeal world. Instead, a flash of white existence flashed across his memory, like a film reel that skipped across his visual consciousness.

"I'm sorry, Lapis. You understand why I can't stay on Earth now?"

"I… I guess I do."

Steven smirked sadly and turned around, walking the other way across the clearing into the forest.

He nearly cracked when she shouted at him, her voice thick with tears.

"I wish it didn't have to be like this!"

Steven wanted so badly at that moment to turn on his heel and give her a hug, at least say goodbye properly. He didn't know how long it would be until he saw her again, or any of them, or if this was going to work at all.

… but, if he turned, if he wrapped his arms around the ocean gem while she was hurt, he knew he wouldn't be able to go.

A small comfort, he offered two words. "Me neither."

Quietly, she replied, "Is… is this goodbye?"

"I…" His own tears were starting to build, but he had to be cold and unfeeling. Steven Universe would cry. He couldn't be himself right now, for their sake.

Steven shrugged and quietly sucked in the flow of wetness that threatened to spill over.

"I... guess it is."

The walk to the edge of the forest was a short, preoccupied one.

Steven wasn't sure if sending her back alone was the right thing.

No, they need to keep their distance. I can't risk them telling me something I shouldn't know .

It struck him as peculiar, the relief to be alone - or at least, as alone as he could be. Was White Diamond listening to his train of thought, right now? Was he even thinking these thoughts at all, or were they her own, manifesting like original thoughts in his own brain?

Steven rubbed his scared arm as he passed through the edge of the trees, opening to a large magnificent field. Maybe a mile away, a small white house with a large barn were perched at the edge of his vision - he must be on some rural property. It wasn't well maintained around the forest edge, so the wild flowers and weeds mixed together to form a tiny border around the clearing.

The sun was almost fully in bloom, horizon budding over the western skyline. Things had begun to turn more orange, the final trails of pale pink receding through the clouds.

But there was a conspicuous flash of pink at the opposite end of the clearing, and it was growing larger. Steven couldn't help but laugh to himself when he realized it wasn't a trick of the eye.

"... I thought you might show up around here!" He called loudly, watching pink lion bound towards him with serious, almost lethal eyes. A large leap later, Lion was poised right in front of him, and Steven all but cooed at the adorable flutter of the pink beast's eyes.

"Oh, I've missed you too buddy," he stopped to scratch Lion's chin, earning him an affection purr. "We've got some serious Gem stuff to take care of, huh?"

Steven's attention lingered across the field, wondering about the lives of the people living in the house. He wondered if they knew chess.

It was White Diamond's move.