A/N:

Hello to all! Thank you so much for being patient. I started a new job and have been going through training for it, that's why this chapter took so long to put out. Well that and the fact that this chapter was very hard to do considering the emotional strain of it. I found it very hard to get my head in the right frame of mind. I just hope its not a disappointment to you all.

ALSO BEFORE YOU BEGIN THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT

Some of the context in the chapter maybe very offensive to some of you out there. I realize that this topic I'm about to write on does occur on a daily basis and I do not take it lightly. It is not my intention to hurt anyone so I would like to apologize if this offends someone and I am very sorry if you had the misfortune to have to go through a heartbreaking trial such as this in your life.

DISCLAIMER

I do not own Twilight or any of its characters. Only the plot line to this story.

Chapter 14

Confessions

EPOV

This is it.

Moment of truth.

I had to tell Bella.

I needed to release this emotional burden once and for all. Although I know it will never truly go away. The saying time heals all…. Hmph! Well that's a lie. Time doesn't heal all. It only numbs the pain.

And then the pain turns to guilt and guilt turns to hatred for oneself.

But I believe that if you had another person who you cared about to come into your life then the pain would go down to feel like a prick of a needle rather then a knife being shoved into your heart.

Before I left Bella standing there in the elevator mouth agape, I told her that I would be in the library waiting for her when she was ready to talk. I wanted somewhere we would both be comfortable and my office seemed to stuffy.

Although I don't think its going to matter where we are when I tell her this cause either way it would still be uncomfortable.

Waiting for Bella to join me was making me more nervous. I was wearing the floor out with all my pacing.

It didn't take long for Bella to join me. She must have not even gone back up to her room considering she was still in the same night clothes she was in when I spoke to her not even ten minutes ago.

I went over and sat on the sofa and patted the seat next to me. Bella walked over, stared at me for a moment and then hesitantly sat down.

I cleared the lump that had been in my throat and began.

"First of all Bella. I would like to apologize for my behavior the past few days. I have been doing a lot of thinking so naturally I have been kind of on edge. I didn't mean to hurt you that day in the garage I was just panicking about what my family would think of me for finding someone that I cared about again. I guess I really wasn't ready to face them."

I watched as Bella's eyes changed from being curious to understanding and I knew that she had forgiven me. If only this was the easy part of my talk with her. However I knew that, that wasn't the case and prolonging it wouldn't help anything.

"Bella what I'm about to tell you I don't want it to be published in the newspaper for everyone to read. Only family and very, very close friends know about this and the only reason why your about to find out is because I want to be honest with you in hopes that we can build a relationship, however if you never want to speak with me again after this then that will be understandable. I will have a high regard for your decision."

I watched as Bella leaned her head to one side, squinting her eyes a little and wondering what could possibly be so bad.

"As you know I grew up in Forks and went to school there. When I was seventeen and in high school a new girl moved there from Alaska named Kate Denali. She was also seventeen. We were both juniors."

I stopped and sighed… just thinking about her again hurt.

"She had bronze colored skin, beautiful bright baby blues, a perfect smile and soft blonde hair that was just a little below her shoulders. We instantly hit it off and became fast friends which about a year later during our senior year developed into something more."

I looked over at Bella to see her looking at me with a burning curiosity also it seemed to me that some other emotion had came over her, though I couldn't make out what is was.

"Go on." She encouraged lightly.

"Three months before we were both going to be graduating she came to me and told me that she was pregnant. I cursed myself for being so foolish and caught up in the moment that night of the prom to not even think about protection. I figured Kate was upset with me, but she just grabbed my hand as I was pacing around in the empty school hallway and put it to her abdomen and said "Your going to be a daddy Edward." and smiled at me. At that moment I knew that she wasn't upset and my heart melted at her words".

"Are parents were more disappointed in us then anything, but they were pleased that we planned on making it right by getting married by the justice of peace the night after the graduation ceremony. After a while they finally came around. After the shock had worn off joyfulness took it's place. My mother was so ecstatic and wanted to do anything she could to assist us, so she called back the lady who took care of me and Emmett when we were younger. Mrs. Cope was rather joyful herself to have a baby to look after again. Every thing seemed to be falling into place one after another."

"I got accepted into Harvard due to my athleticisms, everything would have been paid for. It was a free ride, which would have helped us out tremendously only she was terrified of leaving her family behind and wanted her mom to be close once the baby was born. So to make her happy I agreed to go to a community college. I worked during the day…. I had two jobs to make ends meet. I went to college at night and during the scarce moments when I had nothing going on I filled them with studying for exams."

"I was so busy trying to provide for us and make something of myself so we could have a better future together that I didn't notice her slowly slip into depression. She was one of those who even if I did notice she would have never talked about it."

"She always felt like telling people about her problems made it worse cause then they would be concerned about her so she always kept everything in. She was the stuffer in silence type."

"As time went on I noticed that we started to argue a lot. It was small fights at first, you know the kind that you just kiss and boom you've made up and everything is fine, but then the more time that passed the bigger the fights seemed to get, we still loved each other, but the fights were so bad we wouldn't talk to each other for a day or so."

I got up from the sofa and walked over to the fireplace watching the wood slivers burn away all the while trying to hide the water that was glossing over my eyes and turning to salty tears that ran down my face. I knew that I was about to have to tell her the worse part and I needed a minute to collect myself.

After a few moments of silence I felt Bella's small hand on my back moving up and down in a comforting rhythm. That gave me the strength I needed to go on.

"One night I came home from college and there were ambulances and cops cars everywhere in the parking lot of my apartments. I really didn't worry about it because shit happened all the time were we lived. We lived in a ran down part of Forks so it wasn't unusual for me to come home at night and see something like that. I just figured some thing happened with the neighbors Victoria and Laurent again.

They would always drink to much and words would be said and when she felt as though it got out of control she would call the cops on him. It happened at least twice a week."

"Only when I walked up the stairs to my apartment I noticed that both Victoria and Laurent had a shocked look on there face and Laurent wasn't in hand cuffs as he usually was in these situations. That's when I noticed that my door was opened and the EMT's were walking around in my home. My first thought was that Kate went into an early labor so I started running and calling her name out dropping all my college books that I had in my hands in the process."

"My heart was pounding with excitement knowing that soon I would be holding something that was apart of both Kate and me. Only before I made it to the door I was restrained by a police officer telling me that it was a crime scene and that I could not go in. I yelled at him and told him that Kate was my wife and he gave me a sad look. When I registered the look on his face I knew something was wrong."

"My heart immediately dropped all the way to my feet. The excitement that I had been experiencing moments before was now fading away and replaced by fear. All I could hear was the cop repeating how sorry he was before he handed me a piece of paper that was folded in half with my name on it written in Kate's handwriting. I thought she might have written down one last I love you while she had the chance, only when I opened the letter I seen that it was a suicide note. It read"

Edward,

I'm sorry, but I just cant do it anymore. Life is not what I thought it was going to be, but then again I guess it never is. Take care of yourself.

Love Always Kate

"The whole time I thought she had been murdered when really she took her own life along with my innocent babies as well. That was worse then thinking she was murdered. Knowing that she did that to herself and our child made me sick. I kept replaying everything since we graduated over in my head trying to see what I could have done differently and if I could have fit more time in my schedule to hold her more then maybe I could have noticed her depression and got her the help she needed."

The water in my eyes was flowing freely now and my strong manly exterior faded and was washed away with my brackish tears as the emotions took over me.

"She had shot herself in the head with the gun I had bought her in case she needed it for protection. She was against it at first saying that she didn't even want to learn how to shoot one, but I insisted because I wasn't home till late at night and like I said before we lived in a bad part of Forks."

"It turns out that she was the only danger to herself."

"After the funeral I just shut down to the world. I took a year off from college, quit both of my jobs. I was useless. I never went back to the apartment to get stuff. My parents and brother took care of all that for me."

"I would just mope around the cheap motel room that I was living in thinking how I would never have a family, how I would always be alone, how I was such a selfish creature and didn't place her needs before everything else. I let her down."

I risked a glance over at Bella to see that her tear stained cheeks matched my own.

"After about a year of living like that my parents came over and literally dragged me out of the motel I was living in at the time. I was to the point that I was at the end of my rope. I didn't take care of myself. I rarely ate. I didn't shave for months. I lost contact with all my friends and never to spoke to Kate's family again. They hated me for taken there Kate away from them. My parents made me move back in with them and my mother seen to it that I got the proper nutrition I needed."

"I started going to school again and buried myself in my college work as a means of distractions. I ended up graduating with honors, but that still wasn't enough to take even a little bit of the pain away. As time pasted it became less and less, but never fully went away."

"I graduated with honors and was at the top of my class. My family was proud of me… well except for my in-laws. They passed judgment on me and wondered how I could get over something so easily… if only they knew that it was like a scar that was permanently etched into my heart."

I shook my head trying to clear my thoughts. I had to finish this.

"Anyway after that I decided to find a place of my own. I would have looked in Forks, but it was such a small town I knew there was nothing for me there. Besides everyone still looked at me funny when I walked down the street. Mom was worried about me and asked that if I would at least let Mrs. Cope come with me. I agreed knowing that it would give my mother peace of mind."

"When I got here I bought this house with the money I had from a trust fund set up by my biological parents and started a business which soon flourished into a chain of different ones. Living here seemed to be a good idea. Things worked out in my career field and I would never have to worry about people judging me. Though no matter how far away I was from that apartment in Forks there was not a night that went by that I don't think of her and how lonely I am."

I turned and grabbed Bella's hand

"That was until you came along. Thoughts of you cloud my head to where I feel hardly nothing at all anymore. Its like the wound is healing. I actually care about someone again, but I understand if you don't have any interest of being with me… judging by my past."

I barely whispered the last sentences.

BPOV

Poor Edward. I see now why he is the way he is. If I had something that emotional happen in my life I would be far worse then he is.

He is brave, he picked up the piece of his life and slowly started to put it back together again. I would have just rotted away in that hotel room if it was me. I didn't blame Edward for what happened although he clearly blamed himself.

He dropped my hand and had turned away from me and went to sit back down on the sofa. Whether it was to give me a minute or himself a minute I didn't know. However I did know that I had to set one thing straight.

I walked over to him and sat down next to him only to see that his head was down.

"Edward I'm not passing judgment on you"

He then looked up at me, his eyes filled with tears that could fall at any given time. It broke my heart. I had never seen Edward's guard down and him so opened up and vulnerable.

"I know Bella. I see that now, but I pass judgment on myself."

He got up from the couch and ran his fingers through his tousled hair while walking over to the window to look out as the snow was falling.

"I keep replaying it in my mind wondering what I could have done to stop it, what I should have done. Exactly where that point in time of our marriage was that I had failed her."

"Edward there is nothing you could have done. Even if you would have gotten her help there was a possibility that it wouldn't have even worked and just prolonged the inevitable. She made the decision to give up. She took what she thought was the easy way out. If you ask me, you didn't fail her, she failed you."

Edward turned to look at me with a little smile on his face.

"That's what my mother said."

"Well your mother is a very intelligent lady."

Edward walked back over to me and sat down. His hand cupped the side of my face and his thumb stroked my cheek.

"She's not the only one."

He leaned towards me and placed a soft kiss on my lips. My hands came up and grabbed a fist full of his shirt to try and bring him closer to me. Edward pushed me back till I was laying on the couch and he was on top of me. He slowly moved from kissing my lips to kiss down my neck where he stopped to suck on my skin. His hand slid up my shirt at the same time. His fingers brushing over my pert nipple which he then began slowly massaging my breast.

"Mmm Edward!"

My voice came out sounding winded, but I didn't care. I was finally getting close to this beautiful man.

I trailed my hand over his washboard chest, all the way down to his belt buckle, and started to remove it when his hands abruptly stopped me from achieving my goal.

I looked at him. I was beginning to feel like a fool believing that he didn't want to take it that far and that my judgment was clouded being that he was so close to me.

"Bella I don't want to do this."

My supposition was confirmed. I could feel the rejection start to surface and the tears start to prick my eyes. Edward kissed the tip of my nose.

"No baby I want you. I guess I need to clarify."

He sat up and pulled me with him.

"I don't want to do this in a musky old library on a small couch. I want our first time to be in a huge comfortable bed with plenty of room so that I can worship every inch of you and make love to you."

With that Edward scooped me up in his arms and carried me out of the library.

A/N:

So what did you think? I want your honest answer.

Also guys I have some news for you… the next chapter has been what a lot of you have been waiting for…. A LEMON!

So this is your warning now. For those of you that would prefer not to read the lemon I am going to mark it some how at the beginning and end of it that way you know when the chapter starts with out the lemon.

Thanks for reading. Please review and let me know your thoughts. For those of you who are not reviewing I want to thank you for reading and I would love to hear from you.