To be a star, you must shine your own light, follow your path,
and don't worry about the darkness,
for that is when the stars shine brightest.
–unknown
I held the journal to my nose, breathing in the rich scent of him. Could almost give it a color, a flavor, it thrilled me so. In fact, I could. Because he was there, just on the other side of the fire, meditating. And with him, the veil was lifted, and my world was on fire. So yes, if I had to give sandalwood a color, I'd say it was amber. The earthy, rich golden tone that made me think of warm syrup. Which meant it would taste spicy, yet sweet. He surely did.
Hmm. I've never felt so… girly. I opened the journal, shot a glance in his direction, my cheeks heated, and I stuck my nose between the pages. The pen rolled between my fingers, hovering near the paper.
Flickers of firelight cast curling, lashing shadows over us. It was already so dark. I shivered. Closed my eyes, took a breath and considered joining him in a practice that I'd often found downright dull.
The flames popped and cracked. I looked toward them, saw an ember emerge from the inferno and drift upward. Go ahead, rise above your hell. Just like me.
Gradually the tiny red spark faded, and I squirmed. Would my light sputter and go out?
"Karai?" he pierced my thoughts, and I wanted to curl up to him, hold him close and never let him go.
I looked to the words splashed across the page of my journal, felt my heart jerk. "I—uh—ahem—" What is the matter with me? He's seen me through so much, I begged him to walk with me, professed my love for him, and heard him declare the same. So why was I so damn nervous? What are these jumpy, fluttery feelings? What crap! I cleared my throat. "Just, let me finish this. I'm almost, done."
"Of course," he replied.
Then he sighed, much like Michelangelo would, and I considered launching the book at him.
A few seconds went by and he did it again.
An electric jolt coursed through me, my muscles twitching. I clenched my teeth as I set my pen to the paper.
He started to hum.
Count to ten? My fingers curled and I closed the book, glaring at the back of his head. Maybe twenty?
Then he began to whistle.
My hand lifted, pulled back, and released.
The book flew towards him, but at the last second his fingers snatched it from the air and he grinned at me.
"What is your problem?" I snapped. "I'm supposed to be on a spirit quest. Which was your idea. And you didn't want to stay with me because you thought you might interfere—"
He stood, walked around the fire toward me.
But I couldn't stop my rant. "—and here you are, when I know you're perfectly capable, making—"
He lifted me to my feet, guiding me toward the cliff where the world disappeared into the pitch of a moonless mountain night.
"What are you doing? What? Have you decided to throw me over?" I complained as the firelight faded behind us, the world ahead an abyss, with a drop-off that meant certain death somewhere just ahead.
My toes curled in my sneakers, and I leaned hard into his plastron but he guided me forward still, until I dragged my heels against the stone beneath them. "Leo, what're you doing?"
His hold was firm, but gentle, and he came to an abrupt stop, dropped his chin so his mouth pressed against the side of my head. "You've been jumping and jittering since the sun slipped behind the mountain. Every time the fire snaps you flinch like you're being whipped. Now, look ahead of you."
I stared into the endless sea of black, felt like I was looking forward but seeing my past. I knew there should be mountains… that they were there. My soul looked at me from within, pounding her fists against my insides, screaming something I couldn't hear for the blood rushing in my head. I knew there was an end to the rock I stood on, but as far out as my eyes sought it, they couldn't find a speck of light. And without it, there was nothing to guide my way.
I could easily fall over.
I lived on the edge.
Loved and hated it.
"What do you see, Karai?" He was using his cool, reassuring tone, and it strummed the chords of my fluttering heart, changed the melody of it.
Gazing into the empty space before me, I felt a knot rise in my throat. It was like a cage without walls. And I knew plenty about dark, damp cells, some as bleak and hopeless as the pit I'd lived in under Saki's mind control. Trapped… inside myself, unable to control my actions.
"Nothing, I see nothing," I choked.
"Where are you, when you look out there?" His breath heated my cheek. He gave me a reassuring squeeze and waited.
Where am I, when I look into nothing? I pressed my lips together, felt the heat rush my eyes. "I'm a human trapped in the body of a snake, I'm a human trapped in my kidnapper's dungeon, I'm trapped in myself," my throat hurt, a great pressure building in my chest, "trapped in myself, unable to choose my own actions. And it's dark, colorless, cold, and—" I stopped, took deep cleansing breaths, but my heart hurt. "I'm alone out there, Leo. It was just so… lonely. And I never thought it would end, and nothing and no one could save me."
He held me close, kissed the top of my head. "Now, what did you do, when all of that happened to you?"
I dug my fingers into his forearms. What did I do? I slithered through the night, hunting, eating vile things. I slept on dirty concrete floors, water dripping from a crack in the ceiling. Inside my head, I stood silent, idle, while someone else drove. In all of that, I breathed, in and out. I was present, though through much of it, silent. I was an onlooker. I was one. I existed. "I survived."
"Yes," he kissed my cheek, squeezed me again. "Yes, you did."
"Until you saved me," I said, staring into the past.
"No, Karai. I came for you. You saved yourself." His breaths were slight, controlled, soothing. "Now, look up."
I lifted my chin, felt the darkness fading, giving way to a sea of stars, perfect white and golden lights, tiny brilliant gems, like someone sprinkled the sky with glitter.
What did I cling to all those long, arduous moments, waiting for the right opportunity, for the door to open? Hope. Truth. Destiny. There was a word for every single one of those shining lights, and together they formed a new path, a trail of circumstance and fate, strange and winding and like no other, my journey home.
I leaned into Leo, turned to face him, felt his cheek against mine. My insides released, like I had an anchor and it was okay to let go. I inhaled the scent that calmed my soul, ran my fingers over tough green skin, my lips aching for the pressure of his. Our breaths mingled, like our souls would meet, dancing between us.
"Were you afraid then, Karai?" his lips ghosted mine.
Was I afraid? No. I'd been lonely, hated what I'd become, what had been done to me, all that had been stolen from me. Maybe. Perhaps I was. I might've feared I'd die having never redeemed myself, never had a chance to learn who I really am, that I might never find myself.
"No. I wasn't afraid," I answered, my lips reaching for his, grazing a corner of them but not finding his reply.
"Then what are you afraid of now?" he asked, kissing my brow.
What does he mean? Afraid of now? I'm not!
I jerked back, felt my heel drop into space below. My heart flailed, adrenalin rushing to my extremities, frantic breaths rushing in and out.
But I wasn't falling, never was. He pulled me to him, my soul reaching for the loyal, noble creature holding me tight and safe in his arms. His breaths heated my lips, and I sought him again. Only he wouldn't reach for me. Wanted his answer and was going to get it.
My blood thrummed, hot and provoked. Whatever the challenge, I would rise to it. What was at risk, for me, entrusting my heart to him?
I felt his smile against my lips.
"I won't be afraid of this…" But my voice trembled, despite my resolve.
"What is this?" he demanded, his voice sending little vibrations over my mouth. I pressed my aching lips together, desperate to taste him.
"I won't fear loving you, Leonardo." My body was tingling, the edges of my vision blurring, even though I couldn't see a damn thing anyway. Truth was, if Leo was there with me, I didn't need to fear anything. We'd find our way.
"Hmm," he mused, lightly rubbing his face against my cheek. "Then I won't fear loving you either, Karai."
I swallowed, tried to slow my erratic heart. "Then why do I feel like we're about to jump off this cliff together?"
He chuckled. "Because, in a sense, we are."