Weeks go by of training, taping rebellion videos, trying to fight past this hijacking, and trying to figure out Peeta. I was so drained at the end of each day. Still not fully recovered from my beating I had received in the hands of the capitol. It didn't help that my mind wasn't reliable. I didn't feel much about anything. I tried not too. If I had feelings toward something everything got bad again.
Every night though I sit in my hospital room when everyone is asleep - and thinks I'm asleep. I try to feel. It usually never ends up good. I was able to figure out I felt thankful towards Haymitch, Annie, Finnick, and Johanna though. These four were attempting to pull the old Katniss out. They weren't getting far but I was thankful. They were trying almost as hard as I was to bring the old me back.
I knew I loved my sister. Those were the only things I could figure out about myself. I tried to figure out simple things like what I liked to do, my favorite color, and things along those lines. I never could come to a decision. It always ended up in me breaking down. It wasn't these simple thing I cared about really, the biggest question that haunted me was; How do I feel about Peeta? It was by far the hardest question as well. Everyone says I loved him. But, what did I feel now? Did I hate him? I didn't know. Did I love him? I wasn't sure. Did I feel nothing towards him? I was certain that wasn't the case. Every time I looked at him, I felt a few things. I couldn't figure out what they were - or for that matter what feelings were real, and what were not.
A tear slides down my cheek landing on my pillow as I try to figure it out. I could feel a longing for him somewhere deep inside me, but it was masked by the feeling of dislike. I couldn't tell if the longing, or the dislike was real. One of them had to be real. Some part of my mind reasons with me would the Capitol really want you to long for him? Would that really get him to break if he loves you the way he and everyone says he does? Certainly not.
But, why would they care if I disliked him? It wasn't hate. I hated him at first. The more I tried to figure him out, the more people told me, the more I thought about him I couldn't bring myself to hate him. No matter how much I wanted to. He was kind, brave, strong, and above all he loved me. More than anyone else did. I sigh closing my eyes. I wish I could hate him. If I could, I wouldn't care how I felt about him. But he was always there, in my mind. He was inescapable and I didn't completely mind.
I slowly drift into sleep thinking about the baker who loved me. The baker I use to love. I wake up to Haymitch nudging me awake.
"Katniss, wake up." I open my eyes as I sit up. "Get dressed and go down to the dining hall." I nod and he leaves. It was the same routine every morning. He didn't need to tell me anymore really. But, I was marked mentally unstable so I guess he felt a need. I slide off the bed and change into a shirt and plain jeans. I look at myself in the mirror my wavy brown hair flowing freely down my back framing my face. I stare at myself a while longer, my grey eyes seemed distant. As if I was mentally somewhere else.
Physically I was here, but mentally I didn't look like it. Maybe because my mind wasn't actually completely here. It was the Capitol's mind. I shake my head moving away from the mirror refusing to look at the distant me anymore. It was almost painful. I walk down the halls of thirteen silently making my way to the dining hall quickly. I grab my tray of food and sit down next to Annie. I stare at my tray of food blocking out the conversations as usual, and push my food around my plate.
"Aren't you going to eat?" My hand freezes my fork almost falling out of my hand at the all to familiar voice. I look up to see Peeta staring at me. Usually he sits as far from as possible at this table. I hadn't noticed him sit in front of me. Normally no one does. I just blink at him trying to think of something to say. "I'm sorry if I startled you." He says quietly and looks down at his own food.
"No. It's fine." I say in almost a whisper. I could feel Annie's eyes on us. It made me uncomfortable in a way. I keep my eyes on Peeta as my late night debates come up with his eyes on me and my eyes on him. It was clear he loved me when I locked gazes with him. His eyes said it all. It hurt me that I couldn't figure out my feelings for him. He loved me so much and I didn't even know if I trusted him, or even liked him for that matter. No that was ridiculous. Of course I liked him. He was hard not to like.
That didn't mean I trusted him. I drop my fork at this, my eyes locked with his. I knew one thing. At the least I liked him. I didn't know anything else about my feelings towards him. Like if I trusted him. I still believed he wanted me dead. Which made him hard to trust.
"Katniss, are you okay?" I shrug. I hated being asked that. Obviously I wasn't okay. I was falling apart, and it took every ounce of strength I had to hold myself together. I was far from okay. Except on the rare occasions the old me came out. And staring into Peeta's eyes almost pulled out the old me, but my internal conflict always seems to get in the way.
"Your eyes look so distant." He says almost inaudibly. I wasn't sure if I was meant to hear this or not. I drop his gaze and look back at my food. So, I wasn't the only who noticed the distant look I had. He sighs. "Look I know you don't like me anymore, and I'm sorry for bothering you but I needed to give you something." I look back up at him an eyebrow arched. What on earth did this boy have to give to me?
It bothered me that he said I didn't like him too. He clearly didn't know how likable he is. I watch him as he pulls a silver cloth from his pocket. I look at it more closely and recognize it as a parachute from the arena. I give him the kind of glare that made me think of the saying If looks could kill. Why would he give me something from the arena?
"It's not what you think." He tells me as he notices my glare. He slides the parachute towards me and I look at it in disgust. "Katniss, look inside. It's yours." With that he grabs his food and moves to his usual seat. I watch him leave before looking at the parachute in front of me again. I could feel his eyes on me waiting for me to look at it. I could also still feel Annie's eyes on me.
Almost every part of me wanted to get up and give it back to him, or throw it away, or something. The curiosity wins over though. I reach towards it slowly as if it was going to bite me. I grab it and unfold it to find a pearl in the middle. I gasp instantly recognizing it. It was the pearl he had given me in the arena. I wrap the parachute back around it keeping it in my palm, before getting up and running back to my hospital room. I could feel the tears ready to spill over. The memory hits me full force just as I make it back to my room.
Peeta and I on the beach laughing, enjoying each other's company, in love. He gave me the pearl and I remembered the kiss. The kiss that only made me want more, a kiss that made me desire his lips against mine. I hold the pearl tightly in one hand and raise my other hand to my lips. I could almost feel the desire now, the hunger for his kiss. It was ridiculous. No. it was the old Katniss.
I take out the pearl and press my lips to it, squeezing my eyes shut as a tear rolls down my cheek. I would hold onto this. This pearl. This feeling. This me. The old Katniss. This pearl gave me the strength to keep fighting. It gave me hope. Just as the dandelion had when I was twelve. This pearl reminded me of why, Peeta had been my dandelion in the spring. He just delivered me hope in a little silver parachute without even realizing it.