Chapter Fourteen
Beca was perched at the end of her bed at first, but then she moved to the window seat in the living room, watching the street below. Looking at a constant empty sidewalk in the dark made her agitated, so she moved to the stool by the breakfast bar. She twiddled her thumbs and looked around the room, spotting little cracks in the walls she'd never noticed before. Then she started pulling at the loose thread on her sleeve, and focused her attention on the Polaroid photos Stacie sticks on the door of the fridge. That was when she got up and made a drink; a shot of whiskey seemed appropriate right now.
She set the empty glass down on the side and made her way to sit on the couch, constantly crossing and uncrossing her legs, contemplating another shot. Her thoughts were silenced, as she heard the knock on the door she'd been nervously anticipating.
Fuck. Answer the door? Shout "come in"? Ignore it? Turn all the lights off, hide down the hallway and hope the person on the other side eventually goes away? Fuck! Get a grip Mitchell.
Beca slowly walked to the door, taking a deep breath before turning the lock. She knew she had to do this, she wanted to do this. Fuck.
Chloe stood hesitantly in the hall, not sure what to do next. Ever since reading Beca's text message, she'd been on edge to say the least. Her reply had been typed, deleted, re-typed to then be deleted, re-typed and deleted again – she really didn't want to push her luck.
From the moment her phone chimed, she'd had this feeling in the pit of her stomach she couldn't get rid of. At first it was unsettling; even though Beca was willing to hear her explanation, there was doubt she couldn't shake. The silence had been unbearable these past two days, but finally getting to speak to the DJ meant one of two things – Beca doesn't like what she has to say and then that's it forever. In fact that was the only one thing Chloe had thought about from the moment she read the message...
At least when they weren't communicating Chloe could still hope; a conversation would lead to the next step and she honestly wasn't sure what that step was or what it would mean.
She couldn't lose Beca, not tonight, not ever – she was going to fix this. Chloe was going to make things right between them. Beg, grovel, shout, scream, cry, plea, protest, whatever it took. She was going to do that tonight.
But as soon as she was stood in the door way and greeted by Beca, all of her previous plans went out of the window. Her legs felt like jelly, suddenly unsure of everything and out of touch with the positive thoughts she'd been thinking on her way over. Fuck.
"I don't think we should have this conversation on my door step" Beca muttered stepping aside, gesturing the redhead to come in. These past couple of weeks, Beca had seen Chloe in different ways. The 'sleepy, make-up free' Chloe that would smile and snuggle into her shoulder; the 'dressed to the nines' Chloe on her arm when they went out for the night; the 'run-down, sweat pants on, hair tied up' Chloe after a hectic day of work curled up into her side watching a movie Beca had been forced to watch.
But this Chloe in front of her right now was new. She looked tired and helpless. Her nose was red and her under eyes puffy. Chloe was upset, that was clear to see, but there was something in her eyes she'd never seen before; worry. Beca couldn't recall one single moment she'd seen Chloe worried.
The taller woman didn't speak; she simply faked a smile and slowly walked through the door. They stood in silence for a while. The atmosphere around them felt foreign; it was strained and awkward and Beca wasn't sure how to ease it, usually Chloe was the one to do that, but she could already tell that this Chloe in front of her wasn't going to be the one to do it this time. So for once, Beca took the lead.
"Do you want a drink? I would strongly recommend a shot of whiskey, it did absolute nothing to calm my nerves five minutes ago" she deadpanned and although her smirk wasn't as visible as it usually was after an attempt at a joke, Chloe noticed it. Surely Beca trying to put her at ease was a good sign, right?
She smiled a soft smile and shook her head.
"I think we should probably just talk?" Chloe asked her voice quiet and unsure.
Beca nodded.
XXX
Beca had done some serious thinking on her flight from LA. Five hours stranded thousands of feet in the air was actually the perfect setting - no distractions. She was seated on the row of three seats in the centre of the plane and simply put on her headphones and got lost in her thoughts.
If Beca was being honest with herself, for the past two days she had done everything in her power to prevent herself from doing just that. Once she had saw Chloe in her apartment on Sunday morning, she had willed every fibre in her body to never think about the redhead again. Despite such the short time of knowing each other, she had surrendered her heart to Chloe, and that was something she didn't do often; or, well, ever. The other woman knew that and was aware how sensitive Beca was; even if she tried not to show it; and she was still careless enough to hold it in her hands and break it, like it meant nothing.
This was around the time Beca was thankful she was the only one occupying her row of seats, because the tears made another unwanted appearance. But Chloe owed her an explanation and Beca desperately wanted one. Even if Chloe's words weren't the ones Beca wanted to hear, she still had to listen, because she handed her heart over so quickly.
So, that's what the DJ was going to do.
Hear Chloe out.
Right now; at least to Beca; things seem unfixable. The trust has been broken and what they had, or could have had after Saturday evening was lost, but Chloe said she'd do "anything to fix it" and Chloe doesn't say things she doesn't mean. Well, at least she didn't think she did.
If Chloe wanted to fix this as much as she says she does, then maybe Beca should be a little more willing. After all, her feelings were very intense for their two week not-even-a-relationship-yet relationship; could she just throw that away?
No.
Beca wasn't ready to do that yet. She needed to know why there was a man in the redhead's apartment. A man who was her ex-boyfriend? Why the hell was Chloe even living with her ex-boyfriend? For six fucking months?!
The thought was like a constant itch she couldn't reach, so she did the only thing she could do to scratch it. As soon as she landed in New York, she pulled out her phone and texted the only person that could answer her pressing questions. She typed out a quick message and tapped Chloe's name in her contacts.
She needed answers and as soon as possible.
XXX
"So, where should we start? Before or after you slept with your ex-boyfriend?" Beca couldn't help it; the words were on the tip of her tongue and fought their way out of her lips.
Chloe literally coward into the corner of the couch and Beca felt an immediate pang of guilt, although the other woman looked away, she heard the quiet sniffle and then saw the hand that was quickly brought up to wipe her face.
Even though Beca knew she had the right to give her anger a voice, she couldn't help but lean across the sofa and reach for Chloe's hand.
"I'm sorry" she whispered, "I didn't m-I shouldn't have said that."
Chloe backed away from the brunette, pulling her hand from Beca's, "No, you have every right to be angry. I can't let myself allow you to comfort me right now..." she gestured at the hand Beca had just placed over hers, "I don't deserve it."
Beca doesn't want to admit it, but her heart broke hearing Chloe say that. If Chloe's frail appearance at the door didn't do it first, that statement gave Beca an insight to how the redhead had been copping; or lack of; over the past two days.
Beca couldn't hold it in anymore, the unknown was agony.
"Why was Tom at your apartment if you broke up six months ago?" she rushed out, frantically searching the other woman's expression for, well, anything.
Chloe let out a ragged breath before turning to face Beca, painfully aware of keeping a healthy distance between them.
"Tom and I broke up six months ago when I caught him cheating on me. We had been dating since college and moved out here together from Atlanta."
She paused for a second or two before continuing.
"When we signed the lease on the apartment we equally split the cost between us. Once we broke up, I started staying on Fat Amy's sofa; I was so heartbroken I couldn't go back there, I just couldn't face him after what he did."
"But when I went to collect the rest of my things a week or two after, imagine my shock when I found out he'd moved the girl he was cheating on me with into our apartment. Her clothes were in the half of my closet, pictures of Tom and I had been taken down, he'd even gotten her a key cut for the front door."
Chloe scoffed at her last sentence; she could feel the anger resurfacing. For weeks she had cried herself to sleep over the way it ended so brutally between them and that prick had been fine! There wasn't a moment in the day she forgot about her heartbreak and Tom was currently taking all possible actions to cut Chloe out of his life and replace her with this Laura woman.
That's what hurt the most; the way he just shrugged her off, like she never meant anything to him in the first place. College Tom couldn't have done this to her, so coldly and without even so much as a consideration for her feelings. This new Tom was heartless. Once Chloe had come to that realisation she didn't cry anymore, the anger replaced the hurt, and she decided in that moment she wasn't going to stand for this.
"So I got the boxes he'd packed all my things in and I put them in the spare bedroom. I paid for half of that apartment; spent so much time making it my home; there was no way I was letting Tom brush me off like I was just some sort of inconvenience. So I stayed and I've been staying, until the lease is up, because I refuse to me made a fool of by someone like that."
Beca heard the hurt in Chloe's voice when she first spoke; quiet and vulnerable, but the more she talked, the words were said louder and more confidently, the anger was there, but so was her defiance. Beca was torn between enveloping the redhead in a hug and running back to her apartment to kick the shit out of this Tom dude.
"The lease is up next week. I already have a place sorted, and the moment I moved in I planned on inviting you round. I just really wanted to keep all of those negative feelings and the bad atmosphere of that apartment away from our relationship, does that make any sense?"
"I guess it makes sense" Beca shrugged. "But you're saying you would have continued to keep me in the dark about your ex if I hadn't have showed up when I did?"
Beca thought that was a valid question; she'd told Chloe about her Mother's death and all the pain and heartbreak that followed it; she had told her things she's never said to anyone before and she had let Chloe comfort her when she almost broke down. But Chloe wasn't going to share her heartbreak and let Beca return the favour? Or did Chloe think she didn't deserve to know that about her? The doubt was finding its way back to Beca's subconscious. Whatever Chloe was about to say needed to be good; it needed to make these feelings go away.
"No, of course not, Beca. I meant it when I said I'm falling for you, what we have-or had was something I'd never felt before, the feelings were stronger and so much more intense than I've ever felt and I was scared that telling you everything would scare you away. I know now, I should have been completely upfront with you, but I just didn't want to lose you."
That was when the tears started. Her voice cracked and the tears blurring her vision finally made good on their threat of falling free. She had desperately tried to hold them back, but the look of doubt in Beca's eyes was enough to make her crumble.
Beca let out the breath she had been holding; once again Chloe had effortlessly said the right thing to put her mind at ease; even in their current messed-up situation, she still had the ability to give her the reassurance she so desperately required. The DJ placed her hand back atop of Chloe's, but this time the older woman didn't turn away.
"OK, that is for our second half of this conversation. I just need to know why you were..." she couldn't quite bring herself to finish the sentence. It seemed impossible to simply state or power-phrase the root of all of her hurt.
Luckily, Chloe did it for her.
"Why I was almost naked and Tom was just wearing his pants?" she asked shyly.
Beca felt her breath catch in her throat; her eyes were getting damp, in order to disguise the hurt, she covered it up with a chuckle. "Yeah, that."
"I know it sounds like bullshit; it's pathetic."
Beca quickly glanced at the watery blue eyes looking into hers before they were quickly averted to the ground. Chloe's worry had returned.
The shorter woman scooted over a little closer and brushed a finger over her knuckles – an attempt at reassurance.
There was another beat of silence, before Chloe spoke again.
"I forgot my shampoo" she shrugged, letting out a bitter laugh. "Like I said, it sounds like some bullshit excuse, but I swear, I was just about to get in the shower when I remembered I'd left a new bottle of shampoo on the counter when unpacking the groceries. Tom was saying good-bye to Laura and then you knocked and he opened the door and you- it looked like something that it wasn't. I would give anything to go back and change things. Like remember my fucking shampoo before I stepped in the shower."
It all came out rushed and unpunctuated and ended in a blubbering mess, as Chloe completely broke down. The cries and sobs no longer in her control, mentally berating herself for nth time about the events of Sunday morning.
Beca couldn't help it; she pulled Chloe into her chest, wrapping her arms tightly around her. She knows she suppose to be mad. She should need some space in order to find it within herself to forgive her, but she can't stand to see Chloe so upset and broken without comforting her. Beca knows she's more than sorry about how things turned out and Beca almost believes her. She's so close to the cusp of forgiveness that it frightens her.
She pushed the thought out of her mind and pulled Chloe even closer. Holding her seemed to numb her mind and she hadn't realised how much she'd missed this. Just having Chloe in her space was enough to make everything feel at least a little better. Beca absent-mindly placed a kiss to the redhead's temple and revelled in the way she felt Chloe finally relax into her.
There was still one piece of information that she needed to know. Something else that had constantly ran through her mind on the flight home.
"Chlo?" her voice muffled by strands of red hair.
Chloe sat up, leaning away from Beca, so she was able to look her in the eye. An involuntary shiver ran through her body, reacting to the lack of the other woman's body heat.
"What colour hair does Tom's girlfriend have?"
Beca's question caught her off-guard and she was unable to hide the confused expression on her face. She narrowed her eyes slightly, and nervously chewed at her bottom lip.
"What does that-"
"Chloe, just answer the question" Beca said firmly.
"Blonde" she replied bewildered.
I passed her, on the damn stairs.
The sudden drop of Beca's shoulders and her long sigh didn't go unnoticed and Chloe had no idea what her question or reaction meant. The same panic and fear she felt upon reading Beca's previous text message was back. The hope that was slowly increasing as their conversation continued was completely shot down.
Beca finally spoke.
"I believe you" she smiled.
XXX
Beca lay in bed, wide awake. She had been staring at the same spot on the ceiling for the past two hours, unable to silent the thoughts in her mind. The conversation with Chloe had gone better than she had expected; her questions were answers and she felt one hundred percent sure Chloe was being honest throughout.
And that's what made it more difficult.
Her plan was simple; sit down, listen, and send Chloe on her way.
Tonight, she had given well on the first two, but as for the last one; well... who sticks to plans anyway?
By the time they had finished talking, it was already way past midnight, so Beca brought a blanket and a pair of pillows to the couch for Chloe to sleep on. Despite the talk going well, Beca had ended it telling Chloe she wasn't ready to forgive her just yet; she needed some time.
That was almost true. It wasn't a lie. She wanted time, but she didn't need it. Beca had forgiven Chloe as soon as their conversation was over, and that's what was keeping her awake right now. Was it possible for all of the hurt and anger she felt less than four hours ago to just wash away so quickly?
XXX
Beca turned onto her side; a poor attempt to shake the thoughts from her mind. But once facing the wall, she began to feel an overwhelming need to see the woman on the other side. Maybe Chloe was asleep, or perhaps she too was wide awake. She could have left, just sneaked out of the front door once Beca was in her room. She wanted so desperately to believe that in order to put her mind at ease, but truthfully she could feel Chloe's presence still in the apartment.
Staring at the wall seemed to be making things worse, so Beca sat up. She reached for the laptop on the floor next to her bed, when there was a sudden strip of light under her door. Beca froze, mid stretch, eyes glued to new light, straining her ears to hear any sort of movement. She knew it wasn't Stacie; her best friend had stated they both needed some time alone to figure things out; so it could only be one person.
She didn't hear the flick of the bathroom light, nor did she hear the hallway creak. After a few seconds of silence she waited to hear the inevitable flush of the toilet; but nothing. She contemplated getting up and investigating, but decided against it, settling back into her pillow without the laptop. Perhaps Chloe was getting a glass of water or something. Jeez, she was doing way too much assuming this evening.
She told herself one more glance at the door and she would turn onto her other side, until something was partially blocking the light underneath it. Beca's head whipped around to look at it square on, insurance that she wasn't imaging it.
She wasn't.
XXX
Chloe had said everything she wanted to say to Beca tonight and it had felt good to get it all of her chest. She had had her doubts about their conversation before hand, but it went as well as it could consider their circumstances. Chloe still felt guilty; she was sure that feeling would take a while to fade; but the hope that was constantly increasing and decreasing since she saw Beca was back, and rising further now.
From the moment Beca told her she believed her, a huge sense of relief washed over her – Chloe hadn't prepared herself to hear those three words – and once she did, Chloe cried for another ten minutes into Beca's shoulder.
Once they had both admitted they wanted to work on their relationship, Chloe felt the stress of the past two days slowly fizzle away into a distant memory. Of course she knew they weren't just going to pick up where they left off; Chloe wasn't stupid; she had a lot of work to do – work she wouldn't shy away from – but it was a start.
Beca's last words were imprinted in her memory, causing her to toss and turn on Beca's couch.
"You hurt me, Chloe – I need time to forgive."
She would literally give Beca all the time in the world, she didn't mind the wait, she would wait for as long as it took, but there was something in the way Beca spoke the words; they seemed a little... off? The lingering touches when exchanging pillows and blankets, accompanied by a hesitant walk down the hallway didn't help either.
So, after two sleepless hours of contemplating, she boldly flicked the hallway light on, intending to knock on the brunette's door. She stood by the couch for a few minutes, rethinking. Was she really going to knock on Beca's door all based on a stupid hunch?
But she couldn't stand sleeping in the room next door right now; the short distance was too tempting. That's when she thought about leaving, changing back into her jeans, putting on her shoes and heading home. Surely doing that would make matters worse in the morning and leave a very bad impression.
So she started walking; slowly tip-toeing down the hall and pausing outside Beca's room, listening out for any signs to indicate she was asleep. Her arm was outstretched, ready to knock, but she paused, rethinking her actions, once again.
XXX
Beca let a few seconds pass by, before quietly crawling to the end of her bed, her eyes never leaving the feet at the bottom of the door. Before she had too much time to over think things, she was on her feet and reaching for the door knob.
She had wanted to kiss Chloe good-night earlier, but she knew it was the wrong thing to. Quite frankly, the desire to kiss the redhead was probably the main reason for keeping her awake, but she wasn't ready to admit that to herself yet.
So that's probably why she opened the door, the light of the hallway pouring into her bedroom and illuminating the room. It took a second for her eyes to adjust to the brightness, but once they did she was met with the sight of Chloe in her oversized t-shirt and underwear. Yeah, that really wasn't helping her current battling desires...
She raked her eyes over the redhead's form, before meeting her gaze. Chloe gave a weary smile, as she opened her mouth to speak, but Beca didn't give her a chance to start, instead lunging forward and putting her mouth on Chloe's.
XXX
Judging by Beca's lips on hers right now, Chloe was right when she thought there was something off with her earlier. She didn't really have time to form any other thoughts, as the familiarity of kissing Beca Mitchell engrossed her senses. God, she'd missed this...
Beca was pulling at her shirt and wrapping her fist into it, as she pulled the redhead closer and further into the room. Chloe's feet stumbled onto Beca's as they blindly made their way to the bed. The brunette softly pulled at the redhead's lip with her teeth, eliciting a soft hum from Chloe.
Tongues collided and Chloe's hands wrapped tightly around Beca's waist. The kiss was heated and rushed and unexpected, but above all, it was passionate. Chloe felt like she was being kissed for the last time; not allowing the taste to be squandered or wasted.
There was a little twig in the back of her mind then; maybe Beca was kissing her for the last time and this was their good-bye.
Her thought was quickly interrupted, as Beca was switching positions and pushing Chloe down onto the bed, leaning over her and peppering her neck with light kisses.
"I don't think I need time. I want you." Beca whispered by her ear, before reattaching her mouth to her pulse point.
"I need you."
Her words were spoken matter of factly. They were laced with desire, but truth. Chloe could tell they weren't just said in a sexual way, causing her to shiver under the brunette's touch. She pulled her face up next to hers and searched her eyes for a brief second.
Beca just smiled and nodded, before kissing her again. This time it was slow and attentive and it was the only reassurance Chloe needed. Beca was pulling at the hem of her t-shirt now and in one swift motion it was over her head and on the other side of the bedroom floor.
Chloe couldn't stop the moan that left her lips when Beca began swirling her tongue down her chest and to her stomach. The way Beca's touch could get her worked up so quickly was ridiculous. She slipped a finger under the waistband of her underwear before the redhead quickly stilled her hand and sat up.
Beca instantly stopped in her tracks, as she looked up at the woman before her, now sitting up and leaning on her elbows. She placed a hand on Beca's check, before pulling her closer, their noses brushing together.
"We shouldn't do this" she said breathlessly.
Beca pulled back an inch or two, her eyes looking down at her hand now resting on Chloe's stomach.
"You're right" she sighed. She placed her hands on either side of Chloe's head, before bearing down in order to get up. The older woman quickly pulled her back and placed a kiss to her lips.
"Chlo, you're kind of giving me mixed signals here."
"Well that makes two of us then, doesn't it?" she quipped, wrapping her legs around Beca's waist.
The shorter woman scoffed, but ran a hand down her thigh anyway, a smile forming at the corners of her mouth. A silence fell over them, as Beca's eyes wondered down to Chloe's chest.
Chloe was the first to break the silence.
"It's not that I don't want to do this right now," she said placing her hand on Beca's, that was now caressing her inner thigh, "It's just I heard you when you said you needed time and I want to give you that."
Beca let out a chuckle, as she rolled off the other woman and into cold sheets across from her. Chloe felt the panic set in, she'd had her chance and ruined it. She internally scolded herself before standing up in search of t-shirt, but a hand pulled at her wrist.
"Stay." Beca whispered, throwing back the covers for her.
"But what about space?" she questioned shyly.
"Fuck space."
Beca pulled her arm, pushing the redhead into her sheets for a second time that night, before putting the covers back over her. Chloe nervously settled into the mattress, with her back to Beca; too scared to readjust her position from her ungraceful landing.
An arm was securely wrapped around her waist and Beca pressed her body into Chloe's. She immediately relaxed after that, interlocking their fingers together and bringing them up and out of the sheets to rest under her chin.
Beca placed a tender kiss to her bare shoulder before breathing in the other woman's scent. The contentment she had been missing for the last forty-eight hours flooding her senses.
"I missed you."
"I missed you too."
Both woman let out a sigh before hazily drifting off to sleep; both their thoughts silenced by the presence of one another.
XXX
A/N: Ok, so I'm aware there has been a lot of angst, like a shit ton, but this story was always going to have a happy ending - I don't think I'd be able to leave it any other way. I think there is another chapter to come; leaving it a chapter away from fifteen doesn't sit well with me; fourteen isn't quite a round number.
I know that the mystery has been driving everyone a little nuts (I read every review) but I really tried not to drag it out any longer than it needed to be. Getting to the bottom of everything in once chapter would have been too overwhelming and I needed to break it up. Besides the fact that everyone was demanding an update was actually a really big compliment, but don't worry it hasn't all gone to my head.
Anyways, let me know what you think. Did you like it? Was Beca's quick forgiveness believable? Does anyone feel like Chloe got let off way too easily? Whatever your thoughts; good or bad; let me know in the reviews.
You guys have followed this story from the beginning so if you're not happy with the almost ending I've done something wrong... See, told you that compliment didn't go to my head – I'm still riddled with self-doubt and negativity ;).
Well, thanks again – faves, follows, reviews, EVERYTHING. None of it has gone unnoticed I am so very grateful for the support, truly!
Why are you still reading this? The chapter ended like three hundred words ago.