Perks Of Being Anonymous

by Love Always Marisol

Dear Friend, Charlie was right. Nobody listens. But you do. So I've decided to write to you, because I need someone to talk to. You won't write back, but I'm glad that you're reading. You helped Charlie, so I'm hoping you can help me. I changed my name so you'll never know it or where I am, but you'll know about me. I hope that's okay. Love Always, Marisol

14. January 9 2014

January 9, 2014

11:11 AM

Dear Friend,

A is going to be the death of me, I swear it. I've wasted too many tears on someone who just bends everyone to his will in the game of life that he is so clearly winning and I don't think I can play much longer with what dwindling sanity I have left in me.

He's arrogant and smug and annoying and I want to punch him in the face half the time because he's abso-freaking-lutely MADDENING.

He's the reason I'm so bipolar half of the time anyway.

Don't judge me on my attitude. MY Personality is who I am. My attitude depends on who you are.

Dunno who said that but they're brilliant. I'm truly a nice, calm, happy, loud, crazy girl who loves to hear laughter even if its my own. But when he's around I'm incoherent, flustered, emotionally confused, insane, unstable, and just crazy. Like I'm so busy thinking of all the things I can yell at him that my mouth refuses to keep up and I trip over simple sentences like you are the most maddening person I have ever met AND I HATE YOU! I say it a thousand times and each time I 1- don't mean it, and 2- trip over half of the words.

He's insane. He says he's a sociopath and a sadist (I doubt neither) because this impossible smart asshole can turn any situation around to his favor, simply by saying the right things. He goes something like tailoring his emotions to the situation so that it works best in his favor instead of using his own emotions and the thought of being genuine about anything is so incredibly foreign to him that if he's ever actually been genuine he wouldn't be able to tell. And I've known him for almost two years (February 26, 2012) and I knew he was like this but gods I'm an idiot because I thought eventually he'd figure out how to be genuine and the roboticness and tailoring of emotions and spinning things in his favor would wear away if I mattered enough to him but dammit I was wrong and I feel like the biggest idiot ever because I think I've read too many stories.

About how true, real, friends have no walls up and are their complete selves with each other. About how they'd do pretty much anything for each other because they've been through so much together and know each other so well. But that's the thing. He is this way, the unnatural emotion changing and thinking through everything before he does anything so things work in his best interests. That is who he is. And There Is No Genuine With Him. And if there is an actual person, a genuine person, behind this heartless tin man, I don't know that person. And I think that's the part that kills me. This guy knows me inside and out, and I don't really know him at all.

But I knew that somehow. And yet I trusted him, and believed his words and believed in him. I let myself see him the way I see Simba, and Kayla, Aussie, and Britt. Kayla, I've mentioned before. She lives in Nebraska, remember?

Aussie lives in, you guessed it, Australia, and Britt lives in Britain, just a few hours away from London actually. And they're the people I confide in most who don't live here, like A. And I was stupid because I let myself think that he would be like them in the way that he wouldn't hurt me as I let the doofus in and went from normal to vulnerable because that is what HAPPENS when I let you in. I can act like I always do but when it comes down to it I'm vulnerable to you because I've let you in, trusted you, believed in you. And Sometimes That's A Mistake.

But it's a mistake I'll keep making if it means having him around I guess. I'll get back to you later. Don't judge me too hard for being so stupid okay?

Love Always,

Marisol