Chapter 14 – Safe in the Arms of Love

"To live in hearts we leave behind, Is not to die." - Thomas Campbell

Hours later, Jo awoke suddenly to find herself alone in the bed with absolutely no idea of how she got there. Distressing noises were coming from the adjacent bathroom and she wondered if that was what woke her. She cocked her head to listen and heard what sounded like someone being violently ill interspersed with muffled sobs. She got up to investigate and padded silently to the bathroom. She gently pushed the door open and gasped as she saw Peter slumped on the floor, leaning against the edge of the bathtub. He had his face buried in a wadded-up towel, desperately trying to conceal the sound of his weeping. Finally coming to some measure of composure, he scrubbed his face roughly with the towel and sat there, head hanging low. His chest began heaving again and he clamped his hand across his mouth before he doubled over as if struck by severe pain.

She stood there dumbstruck, her heart constricting painfully at the sight of her husband suffering alone, prostrate with such terrible grief. She felt as if she had suddenly emerged from a long, lonely trance. As she came to a sudden, heart-rending epiphany, all her anxiety, anger and fear instantly melted away to be replaced entirely with an overwhelmingly damning guilt. She realized that she had been so completely wrapped up in her own pain, her own loss and her own suffering that she had ignored everyone else's, none more so than Peter.

The scales fell from her eyes as she suddenly understood how her husband had willingly paid such a high price for her stifling, unyielding, solitary grief. She shook herself out of her daze and rushed to kneel beside him, wrapping her arms around him. He startled and dropped the towel, then frantically tried to get to his feet. She kept her arms tightly wrapped around him and held him still. He quickly tried to pull himself together and gazed at her anxiously.

"Jo…? What're you doin' up darlin'? I'm…I'm so sorry I woke ya…."

She shook her head. "No my darling, no. I'm the one who's sorry. I'm so sorry for putting you through this agony."

"But…but you've got no call to…."

"Yes I do Peter. No matter what's happened I shouldn't have shut you out. I…I should never have blamed you. I don't quite remember everything I said or did, but please believe me darling, I'm so very sorry I've hurt you so deeply. I added so much to your misery. Please forgive me, please." Her stomach twisted in knots at the fear and uncertainty she saw reflected in his eyes as she realized that she was the one who had put it there.

Peter shook his head sadly. "There's nothin' to forgive darlin'. I know yer feelin' bad. I know I can't even begin to imagine 'ow yer feelin' darlin'. It's just…just…I've…missed…you so...and I…I…didn't want…to lose you…." He battled to keep his emotions under control but lost as he began sobbing all over again.

"And that's my fault Peter, I swear it won't happen again. You won't lose me darling, you have my word on that. I had no right to put this horrible burden on you." She gently brushed his hair back off his forehead as she spoke, trying her best to soothe him.

After a few moments, he calmed down enough to speak. "I…I promised to love you for better…or worse… darlin'. Right now, I can't imagine anythin' worse than this." He dropped his head and continued, "Well, the only thing worse than this would be if we lost each other because of it." He lifted his head to peer hopefully at Jo. "Darlin' please don't shut me out. You're the best thing that ever 'appened to me. I don't know 'ow I managed to find a girl like you to love me. I know I don't deserve you. If I lost you I don't know what I'd do." He dropped his head again. "But don't worry 'bout me. Where'd the boys be if we lost each other?" He became upset again and Jo's heart broke anew.

She sat down on the floor beside him and shifted his head over to rest upon her shoulder. She gently caressed his face as she spoke softly to him, "Shhh darling. Don't worry. Shhh…we won't lose each other. I promise you, my love. I promise." She leaned down to kiss him tenderly. He gradually calmed and she helped him to his feet.

They returned to their bed together, where she cradled his head on her shoulder as he fell into his own exhausted stupor of grief. She whispered to him as he drifted off, "Close your eyes my love, sleep." She leaned in to kiss his forehead. "I do love you Peter Newkirk. I swear I'll never leave you darling. I am so very, very sorry I hurt you. Please forgive me."

She awoke just before eight with Peter still heavily asleep in her arms. He didn't stir as she slowly moved to arise. She returned some time later freshly showered and dressed in her robe, carrying a tray of coffee, egg, bacon and toast. She sat it on the nightstand and leaned down to tenderly kiss her slumbering husband. Wincing at the obvious signs of bruising visible on his chest and arms, she reached to caress his hair as she spoke softly to him, "Peter, wake up love. We both need to eat something."

It took him several minutes to completely awaken and he rubbed his eyes before he looked blearily up at Jo. "J-Jo?" He shook his head as if to clear it. "Is that…you?"

She ached inside as she realized what he was really asking. She swallowed hard and reached down to gently caress his face. "Yes love, who else would it be?"

He murmured as if to himself, "Oh, I…didn't mean to...I just thought…." Was this real or was he dreaming? He stared up at her warily, desperately searching her face for any sign of irritation or anger. He exhaled shakily at what he saw, more in relief than anything else as he reached up to pull her down into his arms. He tentatively pressed his lips to hers, the kiss deepening as he realized she wasn't stiffening or angrily pulling away from him. She wrapped her arms around him and responded wholeheartedly. As the kiss ended, she backed out to arm's length to gaze deeply into her husband's still somewhat troubled eyes.

She sighed sadly and gestured to the nightstand. "I've got breakfast ready for you darling."

He tilted his head and sniffed the air, surprised to find himself with a genuine appetite for the first time in weeks. "ReaIly? I thought I smelled somethin' ruddy good!" He smiled as he spied the tray on the nightstand and he dared to tease in his usual manner. "Cor! Breakfast in bed? For me? I feel like a right toff!"

Tears came to her eyes as she heard his cheeky sense of humor return. She reached to gently caress his face as she replied, "As well you should darling!" She got up to pour him a cup of coffee and then brought the tray near so they could share breakfast together in bed. They fell back comfortably into their routine and ate together silently, simply enjoying each other's company as they had so many times before.

"Blimey that was good! Thank you darlin'!" Peter moved the tray off the bed, then reached to take Jo's hand to bring it up to his lips. He peered deeply into her eyes, desperately searching within for the girl that he married and he gasped in relief as he finally found what he sought.

He kissed her hand again, gambling on the chance that she truly had come back to herself. He spoke a bit haltingly, "Jo, darlin', I…I don't ever want us to…'ave any kind of…any kind of…wall like that…between us again." He dropped his head down and whispered, "I was never so frightened in me life. Even during the war, I was never so scared of anythin' as I was of…of losin' you darlin'." He swallowed hard and lifted his head to again look Jo directly in her eyes. "I…I…can't imagine life without you Jo."

Peter's confession struck Jo to the heart, as unbeknownst to him, she knew exactly what he had endured during the war. She fixed her steady gaze on him. "Peter, I...I really don't remember much about the past two weeks." She placed a gentle hand on his cheek and despite himself, he flinched ever so slightly.

She took a deep breath and continued, "Darling, whatever I did or said to cause you such monstrous pain, I beg your forgiveness. I'm...so...so...very sorry..." Jo dissolved into sobs and he wrapped her in his arms. She eventually calmed and pulled away to face him. She reached to take his face in her hands and look deep within his eyes before she very gently laid her head against his bruised chest.

"I can't begin to express how sorry I am love. I think I…I lost my sanity for a little while and you were the one who had to suffer for it simply because you were here. I'm so thankful to God you stayed with me and didn't give up. If I had lost you it would've been my fault completely." Her eyes filled with tears again as she reflected on what she had very nearly lost. "How could I have been so stupid? I can never make this up to you. I'm so very sorry Peter! I'm so…so…sorry…."

Peter lifted her face up to his and kissed her tears away. "You've nothing to apologize for Jo. How could I blame you darlin'? You've suffered a loss no woman should ever 'ave to." He enfolded her safely within his arms and whispered, "We'll never forget our little lass. She'll be in our 'earts for the rest of our lives. Let's work 'ard to put things right between us for 'er sake, what do you say?"

Jo found that she couldn't speak. She looked up into his shining eyes and nodded. He pulled her into a tender, gentle kiss and held her tightly, as if to never let her go. He wanted nothing more than to sweep her into his arms and show her how much he'd missed her; however, he fully realized that they both still had a lot to work through before they resumed their normal level of intimacy. He also reckoned that Jo still needed more time to recover physically from the difficult delivery, so he contented himself for now with the immensely comforting sensation of her body lying willingly curled next to his.

He lay drowsing after Jo finally fell asleep in his arms and he swore to himself to take the hard-won lesson from their latest waltz with adversity. He quietly thanked God for Jo's apparent recovery as well as his experiences during the war, especially for the commanding officer that had taught him to learn and build off of life's unfair experiences rather than fill a reservoir with unbridled rage.

He gratefully tightened his grip on his wife and closed his eyes to finally drift into the first truly peaceful sleep he had known since that horrible night in hospital.