Chapter Fourteen

Diamonds aren't forever.

Whoever said that was a liar.

Or never was crushed under the weight of love.

It was sickening how perfect my life was now. I woke up most mornings with Betty in my arms, blonde hair spread across the bed I was now referring to as ours. Ronnie and Archie both text me every morning to make sure I get off to work alright, still not trusting me enough to believe I don't need to be reminded I need to go to work but I trust in them that they simply miss me.

Riverdale seemed perfect. The days are so warm and inviting, sun kissing, river soaking, green plained perfect.

But that part in me, the deep, the dark, the hands that held my heart all dripping and bloodied, well, it was hard to wake up every morning with that consistent perfection when the dull throb behind it says nothing lasts forever.

My morning starts the same. I read through the messages that Ronnie and Archie had sent me, flicking through a couple of photos they send me of Abel wearing a beanie like his Uncle Juggie.

I roll over to look at Betty whose eyes were still shut and her stomach hanging out of a poorly covering T that she has resorted to wearing. Any mention of maternity clothing turns her sour so I avoid that topic all together; I laugh to myself as I chuck the sheet over her.

I get up, place my feet on the natural wood floors, feeling the smoothness under my feet. I rub my eyes a little; it's the same as yesterday, I stand to walk out of the bed room. The room I was now referring to as ours.

I go into the kitchen, I missed the home cooked breakfasts that I was accustomed to, I didn't want to tell Ronnie that as I didn't want her to worry about me. As if she had anything to worry about, I was a big boy – a big boy who was fast approaching fatherhood – I would have to get pointers off her, how to prep a breakfast of champions.

I don't put on a shirt, I don't bother putting anything on my feet I just grab the packet of Marlboros off the kitchen bench and wander outside, taking my time, revelling in the moment of peace I had before Betty starts rushing around the house, a mess of lace and pink.

I sit outside at my designated smoking area that I love and appreciate, taking a long drag of my cigarette and rubbing my eyes with the palms of my hands, my movements slow and delayed; thank God it's Friday.

I keep smiling to myself. I feel my life is a lot of smiles these days, making me blush, embarrassing me a little. Things shouldn't be this good, but they are. God, they are.

Betty keeps growing ever like our relationship. Betty was growing bigger, her movements slower, her tiredness growing too but is that not the life of a person whose body is dedicated to the growth of a human? A small person, living, feeding within you? I feel this whole experience is deeply ingrained and primal. Not once had I expected to feel what I feel, to experience this experience. To be part of something that was bigger than her and I.

I flick the ash that falls with a leaf and on to the table. Domestic bliss was quickly becoming a part of me but it felt so new, so fresh, so accepting of me. I felt I fit seamlessly into this new world, the one that Betty had started building and she's included me in the foundation, I was a brick in her newly built world.

I hear a faint knocking on the back door and I see Betty standing there, stomach out, rubbing her eyes. She opens the door and steps out, yawning. "You're glowing, Betts."

She looks at me as if I'm lying, but I'm not. I'm very serious. She was glowing, there were no clouds around her, no mist or dark. All glowing and bright. "I don't feel like I'm glowing," she grumbles.

I flick my cigarette butt on the ground and she moves through my space, coming to sit down on my lap. "You're glowing," I reinforce, "Like sun orbiting, like candle light. Glowing."

She laughs though I don't see it; I feel it, rippling through me. "I'm so tired."

"At least you're over the sickness," I say shrugging.

"Barely," she murmurs. "I'm glad to be over it but I also feel like I haven't slept in a week."

"Ah, at least it's the last day of work for you, huh?"

She nods, looking out towards the small backyard. "Thank God it's Friday."

"That's what I said too," I reply.

"Don't forget tonight, it's family dinner night with Fred."

Ah yes, family dinner with the makeshift crew. "I'm looking forward to pretending like I'm enjoying the food he makes us."

"You never used to complain about it when we were younger," she sniggers. "I didn't think Jughead Jones would ever complain about food."

"Believe it or not, I used to do most of the cooking," I tell her honestly. "That or we ate a lot of take out."

Betty turns to face me, both legs draped over my right leg. "Oh yeah? You haven't utilised your cooking skills in all the years I've known you."

"I didn't have a kitchen to cook in, I used to live off ramen."

Betty laughs weakly. "Next week, you will cook for me."

"Next week it is, get ready to wine and dine, Betty."

"You talk a lot more than you used to," Crystal announces across the room. "I like it, it makes me feel like I actually have someone with me in here."

She moves across the room, records almost spilling out of her arms but she comes to rest on my desk, looking down at me.

I look up at her from the papers discarded in front of me and say; "I have a lot more to talk about."

She raises an eyebrow and grins. "Oh yeah, you're not going to become one of those parents that continually talk about their offspring, are you? And here I was thinking that you wouldn't be the type to send me postcards at Christmas with a picture of your kid in it," she quips. "I'm going to add a reference here about the Kardashians and how they do that every year, so you're practically a Kardashian."

I lean back in my chair and lift my arms to shift my hat. "We'll have to see. Maybe I'll buy the kid one of those outfits where they can dress up like an Elf?" I tease.

"You up to much tonight?" she asks, "Hitting the clubs? Or the sheets?" she winks at me.

"The clubs? When have I ever hit the clubs?"

"The sheets then?"

I smirk. "I will never tell."

"Go you!" she replies, clapping me on the back. I felt a little awkward talking about my sex life but Crystal did have an air of ease.

"We're going to dinner at Archie's dads," I say, trying to change the subject. "We haven't had family dinner there in a while and I think Fred might be feeling a little left out."

She nods. "Sounds good. Nothing like a bit of comfort food."

I lean further back, putting my Docs on the desk in front of me. "Not so comforting; he always makes this tuna bake and chocolate cake and it's terrible but we all force it down."

"Oh really? Sounds delicious," Cryss says sarcastically. "Save me some?"

"Sure," I reply. "I'll bring it in on Monday, I'm sure it will still be good," I laugh.

She laughs too before getting off the table and walking to the other side of the room to put the records on the shelf. "Thanks."

I keep watching her a little longer, moving around the room, placing things here and there. "Hey, how have you been?" I ask her.

She stands still before spinning quickly on her feet. "... good?" she replies.

I nod. I felt bad, I hadn't spent much time with her and for a long time, she was all I had to keep me sane. I held on to a small amount of guilt, feeling like I had pushed Cryss aside to pursue what I have now. "Good? Anything changed in your world?"

Cryss smiles. "You know me, Juggie. My world is the same."

"I'm sorry I don't see you much any more," I reply quietly, feeling a lump form in my throat. I push it down. "I do miss hanging out..."

I was still shit at this.

She shakes her head and throws her hand in my direction. "Don't be stupid!" she says. "There will always been pizza and booze at my house, you're always welcome."

I nod in agreeance. "We should definitely do pizza and booze one day soon."

"The invite is extended to Betty too, only if she likes listening to indie folk though," she says seriously, pointing at me.

"Right," I say with a laugh. "I'll make sure she brushes up on her indie folk knowledge."

Cryss just shrugs with a record in both hands. "Maybe she can learn a pan flute so we can make an indie folk band."

"That sounds very Betty Cooper to me," I say rolling my eyes. "Thanks, Cryss, for being you."

She runs up to me and wraps her arms around my neck. "And you for being the angst-ridden cloud that is you."

And to most, that would not be something appreciated being said but it means a lot to me and I take it as a compliment.

I felt bad for not coming here earlier. Fred had an open-door policy that Archie and I still laugh about almost every day. Nothing was off limits apparently. Especially after the shit storm that was Geraldine Grundy.

Once we hit twenty and Archie was partying all the time and sometimes he would drag me along with him so I could stand in a dark, wet corner in a cheap night club, we would get home and Fred would be waiting for us and as mad as we could tell he was with the vein popping out on his temple, we would play the open-door policy card that would work wonders and allow us to actually sleep in a proper bed.

I was standing out the front of my somewhat home with Abel in my arms and Betty trying to coax him with chocolate to stop being so hyperactive. "Is this a glimpse into our future?" I ask her.

"God, I hope not."

"Hey, kiddo, be nice to Aunty Betty, ok?" I try and reason with him.

He looks at me straight in the eye and says; "But I like being naughty."

"I know you do, should we go inside and see grandpa?" I ask him.

He seems to be thinking about it, a mess of dark hair falling into his eyes but he wiggles to get free and I let him go with Betty and I following after him.

We follow the quick steps of Abel up into the house and I hear his parents pull up behind us and as soon as I step through the door my arm is being yanked by Fred Andrews and he quickly pulls me into his arms, clapping me on the back. "You thought you could come into family dinner without a hug?" he asks me, grinning.

I ease up and hug my makeshift dad back. "Nothing like a cuddle, eh?"

Betty stands next to us with her hands in the pocket of her jacket that hasn't been doing up for a couple of weeks and Fred claps his hands together, palms showing and smiling at the stomach in front of him. "Betty!" he exclaims. "Look at you, you're gl-"

"Glowing?" she says, trying to force a smile but coming up a little short. "I don't feel like I'm glowing," she groans.

Fred shakes his head and puts a hand on her shoulder. "Looking great, I was going to say."

"I don't feel great either, Fred," she says while pulling her coat off. "I feel like an oversized whale."

I look from Betty to Fred, "Let's see how she is in twelve weeks," I say, throwing my thumb over my shoulder.

"I'll be fine," she says a little too shortly. "Twelve weeks will be a piece of cake."

She saunters off towards the kitchen and Fred raises his eyebrows at me. "She – ah, ok?"

I shrug."She's probably tired," I say, "She's had the flu lately too."

He nods. "Right, women, when they're pregnant..." he doesn't even finish the sentence.

"Nothing I can't handle."

"Hmm," he says, tilting his head to the kitchen. "Let's see what the girls are doing, Archie hasn't walked in, I hope V's ok."

"Girls?" I ask, "What's wrong with V?" I ask.

Fred chuckles and puts his arm around my shoulders. "I have one Hermione Lodge joining us for dinner," he says a trace of a smirk playing on his lips.

"Hermione huh? I'll ask no questions and..."

"You'll get no lies," he finishes.

I snigger. There were many times in the fleeting years of our teenage-hood where we would say that to him and show up his open-door policy. Especially on the day where Archie and I had woken up in the backyard of the house, pretty much naked with pounding headaches and empty bottles of beer discarded everywhere. That was the extent of our memory of that night. Eighteen years old and looking a mess. I think Archie woke up in a puddle of his own vomit and Veronica's heels tied around his neck. Alice took great pleasure in waking us up with a hose in our faces and Fred in her wake. "No questions, got it."

I walk into the kitchen with Hermione at the oven pulling out a chicken with all the trimmings, "That smells good," I say.

She spins on her heels. "Hey Jughead!" she says excitedly, putting the chicken on the bench next to Betty who was stirring a cup of tea. She rushes over to me and kisses me on the cheek. I liked Hermione, she was kind and relaxed – a toned down version of her daughter which I embraced and loved.

"Hey, Hermione," I say smiling back at her. "Thank god you're cooking tonight."

"Hey, hey, hey," Fred says shaking his hands in the air at me. "I'm insulted!"

Betty looks up from the tea and laughs gently. "Don't worry, Fred, Jug never looked malnourished in all the years he stayed with you."

Before I can reply, I hear the clicking of Ronnie's heels on the wooden floors and a groaning Archie. "Ronnie!" he calls after his wife. "I just want to eat this chicken in peace."

Betty leans in closer to me, "Ronnie doesn't do peace," she sniggers.

Ronnie stands in front of her mother with her hands on her hips but her mom is quick and says; "Play nice, Ronnie. I just wanted in on the family dinner."

Ronnie exhales loudly. "I see you every day, mom. You didn't have to come."

"But I don't see Betty every day," she says, placing a hand on Betty's shoulder. "And you're truly a spitting image of your sister, Betty."

Betty takes a sip of her tea as Ronnie looks at Betty slack jawed. "I don't remember Polly feeling so shit," she mutters.

"Polly had a lot more on her mind, Betts, with Jason and the murder," I say which earns me a scowl from Archie.

"Dude, don't bring up Jason on family dinner night," Archie replies.

I just shrug. "It's true!" I whine.

"Play nice, kids," Fred says with Abel crawling under his legs back and forth. "Arch, come and get this kid."

"I don't want to be gotten," Abel says from the ground. "I want to play!"

"Come and play with me," Hermione says holding out her arms. "Come and give me some love."

"I don't want to be loved either," Abel argues back.

I walk away from Betty and start opening up the cupboard to pull out the plates for dinner. I watch Betty blowing on her tea, "You want more milk?" I ask her.

She bites her lip and looks me in the eye. "I'd like an extra tea bag, it's super weak but Ronnie doesn't like me having strong tea, apparently."

I nod at her cup. "Tip it down the drain?"

"Oh no," she says quickly. "It's ok."

Ronnie seems to have forgotten all about her mom being here and she sits down next to Betty at the bench. "Betty hasn't wanted to find out the sex of the baby which is becoming increasingly hard for me because buying neutral toned garments is wearing thin."

Betty flicks her eyes to me and chuckles to herself, still not letting Ronnie in on our secret about Summerbaby.

Fred looks at Ronnie with a handful of forks. "That must be really tough on you, Veronica. I don't know how you do it."

I hold back a laugh and bite my lip. He had a talent for not sounding as sour as his comments and she doesn't get the trace of sarcasm. "I know!" she replies.

We finish setting up the table and we all gather. Abel is on his mom's lap because tonight he's had a little too much chocolate that I only feel the tiniest bit guilty about and she is trying to be a human vice on him. Eventually she gives up so she can finally eat. "I don't remember Ellie and Jace being like that," Betty says smiling.

Archie rolls his eyes. "Because Polly knew everything that was put in her kid's mouths," he says shooting me a glare.

I hold my hands up in the air and Betty looks down, trying to avoid Archie. "Hey," I say, "In my defence, Betty had the stash of chocolate!"

She panics a little when Archie turns to her. "It's my craving, ok?"

Archie shakes his head at the two of us and points his fork in her direction. "And to think I trusted you," he jokes.

Hermione and Fred glance at each other from across the table to which Ronnie did not miss. "Thanks for cooking, mom," Ronnie says, trying to act cool.

Fred clutches his hand to his chest. "You kids are the worst," he says.

"Don't worry," I say. "We'll force down the tuna bake next time."

Hermione's eyes grow. "You don't still make that tuna bake for them, do you?"

Fred's mouth opens, trying to form a lie but it doesn't work. "It's cheapest when I'm trying to feed the tribe and now I have Betty back and the new baby – I need to make things stretch."

"Next time, you let me know, I'll make something a little tastier stretch," she replies, smiling at him.

Ronnie groans and stabs her potatoes a little roughly and Archie's ears grow red but I look across at Betty and she is holding back a smirk, thinking what I was thinking. This was a little weird but I was happy regardless.

Dinner carries on and somewhere in between, Abel got his hands on a can of soda and I see him silently sitting in the corner drinking it. I don't have the heart to take it off him and he deserves to live a little so I let him. Cleaning up after dinner was the same as it used to be. A chain of washing and drying and putting away was created in the small kitchen and we leave Fred and Hermione to chat around the table. It was getting late, well, the new late to me because in my domestic bliss, I started heading to bed by ten at night to be able to rise without Crystal blowing up my phone twenty times just to make sure I get to work late not super late.

"Now you kids, don't you forget your old man, ok?" Fred says pulling Archie and I closer to him. Veronica had already walked outside to strap Abel into his car seat and Hermione had followed behind her.

"Same time, same place in three weeks?" Archie asks Fred and me.

"Sure," I say, wiggling out of Fred's arms. "No tuna bake?"

Again, Fred clutches his chest. "Jug!" he groans, "I thought you at least didn't mind it!"

"I – Ah – I don't mind it," I say unconvincingly.

Archie rolls his eyes. "You can admit it, Dude, stop throwing the rest of us under the bus!"

Betty was standing at the door with her jacket in her hands but walks over and says; "Can you hold my stuff? I need to go to the bathroom."

I take her stuff in my arms and Archie walks out. "Just going to finish up in the kitchen, Juggie, I'll see you next time," Fred explains.

I wave out to him. "See ya!"

I stand in the hallway waiting for Betty and Archie and Ronnie walk back in. "We're gonna go home and have a couple of drinks," Archie starts. "You in?"

Even the mention of more than a single drink makes me feel whiskey on my tongue and I feel a blaring head ache creeping up my neck. "A beer I can handle," I tell him, watching his smirk grow.

"No more getting shit faced for you, Mister," Ronnie says tapping her heel on the floor. "No more taking advice from Crystal either!"

"Yes mom," I answer, rolling my eyes.

"What was that?" Betty asks us, wiping her hands on her dress. "What advice?"

Ronnie's eyes grow and she looks at me with a worried expression. I don't even know what to say, I hadn't told Betty about my melt down or the fact that Crystal was there and I shove my hands deeper in my pockets. "Oh nothing," Ronnie says trying to brush it off.

"Shit faced?" Betty says, raising an eyebrow. "Jughead Jones? No way..."

Archie clears his throat and pats me on the shoulder. "I was just saying to Juggie that I'm going home to have a beer if you guys want to come?"

Betty's eyes pierce into mine, I should have told her that I drowned myself in Jack and Jimmy, that I couldn't scrub the smell of whiskey off my skin and I had tried so hard to forget. "You got shit faced?" she says, pronouncing every word so delicately. "When?"

I feel my skin blushing up red hot, I'm clutching for something in my pocket just to do something but they were empty. "When Alex turned up," I tell her honestly. "Cryss and JB and I went to my dad's and we had a couple of drinks -"

"A couple isn't shit faced, Jughead."

Ronnie opens and closes her mouth, Archie gulps out loud and I still hear Fred and Hermione in the kitchen; "You guys still here?" Fred yells out.

"Yes!" Ronnie and Archie say together, looking between each other – everywhere but us.

I can sense the anger in her, I can see her frown is so deeply etched, it's not letting up and I could feel my heart and head pounding but for what? I fucked up, I got so drunk I could barely walk but it wasn't the worst thing. "I know, Betty, it's just I was stupid and Cryss -"

"Crystal?" she hisses. "Everything ends back at her, doesn't it?"

I feel my ears burning, turning red. A lump in my throat is forming and I'm trying to swallow but I can't. Crystal's name in Betty's mouth is so loud, it hurts my ears. "I -"

"Crystal is Jughead's friend, B, don't kill him for it," Ronnie says, trying to save me.

"Look," Archie says, lifting his hands trying to calm the situation. "It was stupid but sometimes you do stupid things and that was Jughead's stupid thing..."

"Shall we go?" she asks me, wiping her hands on her dress.

I take my hat off and wipe it over my face as I walk roughly outside; every step heavy on the porch. Archie and Ronnie follow behind us and when they hop in their car, Archie's winds down the window, a weak, sorry smile on his face. "See you guys tomorrow?" Archie calls out.

I don't reply.

I hear the sharp intake of breath behind me, hurried foot falls; running almost.

I chuck the car in reverse. I hear her side door open and she rushes in, looking at me all wide eyes and lips, her lip between her teeth so tightly, it was turning white and she chucks her jacket at the back of the car.

"Jug!" she says loudly, putting her hand on mine and trying to force my hand to take it off the gear stick, she starts swatting it. "We have to talk about this..."

"What?" I say, roughly changing gear. "Talk about what?"

"You always resented your dad for his drinking and then you went out and got drunk with Crystal," she hisses through her teeth. "You turned to the one thing you said you would never." She tries to put her hand on top of mine.

I shake my hand out of hers and she swats me. "Don't," I hiss. "Don't swat me."

"I'm not swatting," she says, still swatting me. "Tell me why you did it."

"Because!" I snap back. "It's all I knew how to do!"

"So that day you turned to Crystal and you wouldn't even let me explain anything about Alex?"

I drive on, I refuse to say anything to her. I need time to think, time to hear myself thinking. How could she even comprehend how much I wanted to blank out that entire day. How could she even understand that Crystal was just my friend? I needed time.

But time was ticking so slowly and I can't hear anything through the sound of silence.

The room feels like it's closing in around me with Betty seeming so close, I could smell her and feel the warmth radiating through her body. We were eye to eye, she's looking up at me but in this moment, I feel so small. My chest feels like it's caving in, the warmth is spreading up my body. The white noise, it's back. The static, I can feel it in the air. At some point, I need to speak but I feel like her eyes are talking over me, there was no way I can get a word in.

"Stop ignoring me," Betty says quietly. "You don't explain anything."

"I'm not."

"You're not what? Not ignoring me? Or not explaining anything?" she says loudly. "Because you're right, you're not doing either."

"Right."

"Talk to me!" she snaps. "Jughead!"

I shake my head and the room spins. "No," I say, I was shutting down.

"Jughead!"

I shake my head, still shutting down. "Don't."

"Forsythe!" she almost yells. "Talk to me!"

"I drank, Betty. I got drunk. I tried to blank you out – is that what you want to hear?"

I've shut down. No lights, no movement. No nothing.

She's going to leave. She's going to leave.

She stands there, tears forming. I see one slip out and it falls straight to the ground. Static crashing. She starts shaking and I see her fists form, I know she's digging into her own fists so hard, she'd be breaking skin but I felt like that too – I felt it – I feel.

She's trying to think of the words to say, "You always do this!" she snaps. "Just shut things out. Drinking wasn't going to change things, going with Crystal wasn't going to tell you why Alex was at my house. You just turn off all the lights, don't you?" she says with a snigger.

She was telling me I turn all the lights out, and right now when I wanted to the most, I'm trying not to because I can't give in. "I don't know why you're so wound up about it."

"It's not the drinking, Jughead. It's the fact that whenever something happens that's too hard for you, you just shut off! And Crystal -"

"It's Crystal, isn't it?" I say laughing humourlessly. "I know it is, because you keep bringing her up." I start shaking, I feel shallow breaths lodged in me but I can see they're lodged in her too. She's resting her hands on her hips, her chest rising and falling so quickly, not even my eyes were keeping up.

Betty bites her lip and tilts her head back. "It's not Crystal," she moans. "It's the fact that you're so easy with Crystal and here we are, the two that never stop fighting to be together!"

"Betty..."

"She filled in three of the five years I was gone, she's so carefree and untouched and you have so much fun together and then that day, she was with you when I wasn't and you just... I don't even know, you've never told me what she was to you -"

"She was nothing -"

"She wasn't NOTHING, Jughead! I know, I see it!"

She echoes around me and the room continues to be static. If I listen hard enough, I can hear Betty's blood pulsing but it was pulsing and pulsing and pulsing in me. The tension was building up my neck, deep and cutting into my brain. Crystal was a lot to me but she was dim and tinted in comparison to Betty. Betty was right, I shut off, I drown deep in things to blind me and Crystal was blinding and smoke and mirrors but Betty is the sun.

I take a deep breath, it gets stuck again. I exhale, my chest is caving in. "Crystal is my friend," I tell her. "More than a friend, she's one of my best friends. We've slept together. We weren't ever more than that. She kept me smiling for three years, Betty. And when you left -"

She takes a step back and wipes her eyes with her hands, taking in sharp breaths. "You freaked out that day and it was her that you turned to, and you tried to get through all that hurt in you by doing the one thing you hated most in your dad... It's like I don't know you sometimes."

"You left me!" I almost yell. "If you think you don't know me it's because of the five years that we were apart!"

There it was, the cold, harsh, blood drawing truth. The one thing I hadn't been able to voice in five years but it was out, hanging in the air like smoke in a windowless room.

I hear it, the sob; the sob that wracks through her body and stings me. The tears are falling so quickly and thickly, I want to reach out, cut through all the anger and five years of build ups and pull her in. But I can't and I won't. I can't – I can barely move.

"I left you?" she asks. "You left me!"

"How did I leave you, Betty?" I hiss. Trying to ignore the tears on her face, the floor, the tears that had fallen on my boots. "You went! Skipped town and you didn't come back."

She shakes a little more violently, almost shaking the room. "I didn't 'skip town' I went to college and I DIDN'T IGNORE YOU FOR FIVE YEARS!" she says, gripping onto her hair. "I come back after five years and you just take off where we left things! I had a new life, Jughead, I had a boyfriend, I got pregnant I moved on but you didn't!"

"You don't think I moved on? Do you know how hard that is? To walk streets that we used to walk and still hang out with the same people who all love you too yet you're not there. A huge, gaping, seeping hole that you left!" I see her body becoming smaller and larger, I can't focus on anything. I grip my own palms so tightly just so I can feel something but I can barely feel my skin breaking. I kick the floor just to see if I can concentrate on that but I can't. "I'm sorr -" she cuts me off.

"Don't say that you're sorry, Jughead. Don't say it. You can't say all of that and then top it off with a sorry. I might have left physically but you checked out as soon as you knew I was going and it didn't matter how many nights I cried to you and asked you to come with me, it didn't matter that Fred said that he'd help you out if you come! You need to take ownership! Responsibility! You own this!" she cries, banging her fists against my chest. "You own what happened to us! I begged for months that you'd come."

"Betty -"

"Own it, Jughead!" she says, pulling at my shirt. "Own that for once, this isn't just how it played out – you made this all yourself!"

"I'm sorry -"

"You left when you decided it was all too hard for you -" she sniffs, "you're a runner, and you always have been, your dad told me! Archie told me! Stop running right now, trust yourself for once!"

"They say you have to trust in yourself, first, Betty. They say you need you need to love yourself before you can love other people and I tried so hard, five years I tried, Betty, can't you see?" I say with my hands gripping onto my beanie. "I tried until my hands were permanent fists and my mouth became dry from trying to talk myself through it but -"

"But what!" she begs, tears landing loudly on the floor.

"But I couldn't even decipher how to love myself when every inch of me and every drop of blood in me only had enough space to love you."

"Stop being so scared, Jughead..."

"I was scared," I say weakly, scrambling to pick up words that I can use, my mind erratic. "I was scared. My mom, she went, she took Jelly and my dad he's not even there -"

"You put me in the same category as them but when had I ever, ever given you an excuse to think I would up and leave like the rest?"

"When you decided to try and find the good in me!" I say loudly. I throw my hands in the air and slap one to my chest. "Me, Elizabeth!" I say, still banging my chest. "The outcast, I can't even walk down the street without something haunting me. Crystal was there because you haunted me. I got drunk that day because I didn't know what else to do but I had to do something just to feel like I was in control, that's why I did it, Betty. Yeah, I hated my dad for years because of it but when everything else turns wrong, where do you turn to? Sometimes, I feel like he's the only one that makes any sense in this god damn town! I thought it was going to happen all over again, you'd go with Alex and I'd just be here..."

She sighs, trying to wipe the tears from her eyes but the mascara keeps running, dark smudges all over her that I am so tempted to wipe away. "You never knew me if you thought I'd leave you again. You left me when you decided it was all too hard for you."

The room is thick with tension. The tension was so thick, I could barely get enough air in my lungs, Betty was standing in front of me, trying to hold herself but her stomach was in the way and I could sense she had a frustration with it. "Betts..." I start, still searching for the words. "It's wired in me to run. From my dad, not follow my mom, me not to follow you..."

"I don't need you to follow, Jughead. I thought I could trust you to help me."

I keep standing still, I can feel the heat burning me so hot on my face and my body shake. "Betty," I say, trying to pull her back into this world but I feel it, she's already gone.

"Don't say anything, I need you to just be here but I can't even keep my head above water! I don't know what to do!"

"I'm here, Betty, I'm still here."

She laughs humourlessly, wiping her chin with the edge of her shirt. "Maybe this time, Jughead, it's time for you to leave."

I just nod and pick up my bag that's discarded on her floor. Her stare was burning into me, I try to ignore it. I want to turn around and take a look in her eyes. She needed space, she needed time. She needed me gone. "I'll go."

I sat outside in the driveway for twenty minutes just staring at the fuel gage of my car before I hop out. I've already been through ten cigarettes by the time Crystal notices I'm out here and opens the door. "Jughead?" she calls out.

I flinch at her saying my name. It just reminds me of how many times Betty had said my name when I became the fuck up of all fuck ups. I fucked up. I majorly fucked up. Like, no turning back, no fixing kind of fucked up. I wasn't coming back from this one. I fucked up. Again.

I swing open the car door, rubbish spilling out in the meantime and I laugh to myself as if this was some sort of metaphorical meaning. Ridding my car of the rubbish was like how I rid myself internally of all the pent-up things I kept inside and I didn't voice for five years.

Crystal stands in her doorway, all long hair and long limbs frowning at me. I keep walking towards her but I don't feel my legs working. I just feel two pieces of lead for legs that aren't functioning properly. "Sorry to do this," I say, my voice cracking. "I just couldn't go back to V and Arch and I..." I couldn't finish my sentence.

Cryss nods understandingly and puts her hand on my shoulder. "Shit, Jug, what happened?"

"I fucked up," I say simply as I follow her into her kitchen. "Big time. I-I-I think I've lost her."

Crystal doesn't hold back a gasp and then turns to grip me on both sides of my shoulders. "What happened? I thought you guys were having family dinner! I didn't think the tuna bake would be that bad."

I laugh at the small trace of humour and take the glass of soda Crystal offers me. "It went perfect."

"Perfect? Obviously not."

"She asked me about the night I got fucked up at my dad's place. She thinks I'm not good with coping with things. She thinks I run too much. I thought she was going to leave me and now? Now I think she's going to."

Crystal shudders and takes a sip of her own drink. "You don't trust her?"

I think about it. "I think she's the only person I can trust."

"But you think she's going to leave you?"

I snigger. "Everyone leaves me, Cryss. It's just the way things are."

"But she wasn't going to, was she? You miscalculated."

I groan and place my head on the bench of Crystal's kitchen. "Whose side are you on?" I ask.

"The right side!" she argues. "Whatever pent up rage and resentment, that's on you!"

"She said that I left her, that I checked out as soon as I knew she was leaving five years ago."

"And did you?" she looks at me sideways. I was starting to feel frustration towards her too. So many questions that I didn't want to answer.

"I did," I reply weakly. "Because there was no way I could have gone with her and become part of this new world so far away from here. Not when we were already two completely different people, opposite sides of the tracks."

"Ah, the great calling of Riverdale you always bang on about," she says raising an eyebrow. "As if that mattered."

I look up from burying my head in the bench. "I fucked up."

"You fucked up."

"She says I need to take responsibility for feeling like this all the damn time and so that's what I'm trying to do."

"Good," Cryss says quietly. "That's a start."

I laugh without humour. "You know, the reason why I didn't talk to her for those five years, it was because I was trying to give her a shot."

"A shot a what?" Crystal asks.

"A shot at not having to be with someone like me. Broken, trying to fix myself but I can barely shave without cutting myself."

"You're not broken, Jug!" Crystal says loudly. "And who's to say she doesn't need fixing too!"

"She does," I reply. "She needs a lot of fixing too. You know Cryss, I don't tell people the shit I tell you."

Crystal nods. "I get that, you wouldn't have turned up on my doorstep at ten at night if you did."

I inhale sharply. "You're right. She needs a lot of fixing too, you know. She – she just handles it differently. Some might say, a little healthier."

Cryss smiles gently. "Do I hear a joke, Jughead?"

I shrug. "Yeah, I think so."

She chucks me a packet of Marlboros and jerks her head to tell me to join her outside. "I think you might need a couple of these tonight."

I nod feebly and follow after her, feeling like my feet are dragging on the ground. "Thanks."

We sit down outside on the step and share the lighter. "What are you going to do?"

"Try and fix things," I tell her. "Even if my fingers are bloodied with shards of glass in them."

Crystal looks a little mystical through the haze of our smoke, the glow of her porch light on her relaxed me.

"And you think you can fix all this?"

I let the smoke out of my mouth, wishing it would engulf me. "It's all I've ever done, tried and fix things."

I feel Crystal move closer and she hooks her arm around my neck, "This is all seems like too much. You need to take a couple of moments to chill out."

"It is," I say, easing a little. "I can't breathe properly."

"That can't be good," she says frowning.

I laugh humourlessly. "My sister would tell me that if I can talk, then I can breathe..."

She sighs and keeps looking at me, "Things don't always have to be so hard."

"It's my life, Cryss, it always is," I say licking my lips, tasting hours-chewed gum and vanilla on them. "I don't know any different."

"It can't be fun when you're roped up so tightly. But you are and she's roped in you and I don't think you should be running anymore."

"You don't think so?" I ask her.

"No, Jughead. I know so. Stop running, she's not going to leave you again."

"You seem so sure."

She sniggers and laughs. "Yeah, as sure as the sun rises," she chuckles again. "As sure as Betty's the sun rising in you."

"You know I have love for you, right?" I say, looking down at my kicking boots.

She sighs. "Yeah, I know," she murmurs. "But I can't compete with what you have with your girl."

"I don't want you to compete. I just want to..." I get stuck for words. "I just want you to know that it's there and don't second guess it. You're like the calm before the storm."

Cryss smiles and looks up to me, burning brown. "Betty's not your storm, Jug. You're your own battle. But I'm happy knowing I have a special place in there. I'm happy knowing you're happy."

"Yeah..." I say rubbing my face. "You know I'm sorry, right?"

She nods. "Yeah, I know you're sorry Juggie."

It starts raining. I take the last drag of my cigarette and chuck it on the ground, it crackles in the rain. My mind, it's falling onto the ground, it crackles too.

I chuck my car keys on the sofa and I pull my boots off. I chuck them in the corner and they bang against the wall as they fall to the ground. I throw my cigarettes next to my keys, pull my beanie off and put it on the counter, I run my fingers through my hair.

I put my jacket on the stool and pull my T-shirt off too. I walk slowly to the bedroom, quietly click open the door.

I see her there. I know she's pretending to be asleep but I don't bug her to wake her up. She's tired, she'd be red-eyed and puffy lidded. I let her ease. I need to ease too.

I don't take off my jeans, they feel heavy when I slide into the bed but the sheets are warm and soft against my skin.

She's cold and wrapped in one of my shirts. I lie on my back, I stare at the dark ceiling. I feel her shift a little further from me.

I turn onto my side, I smell vanilla in her hair, I reach up and brush it a little before I wrap my arms around her, I put my hand on her stomach – she sucks in a little but her shoulders release onto me. She's easing up.

"I'm done running," I whisper to her.

She sniffs out loud. "Thanks for not being scared anymore."

I bury myself in the crook of her neck, I can taste the vanilla from her hair, I feel her push into me, her and I becoming one again.

One heart, one soul, one heart, one soul...

Heart, soul, heart, soul, "Sunlight," I murmur, "Sunlight, Sunlight, Sunlight."

"Don't go," she says again. "Stay with me, we're bigger than this. We're more than Riverdale, we're more than the five years..."

"God, I love you," I whisper to her. "I loved you, I wanted to hate you for leaving, you always knew how I felt about leaving but God, it made me love you more. I couldn't even feel like I hated you at all, fuck," I say sighing. "I loved you even more for shooting for the stars. I couldn't even resent you when I was here in the dark. Do you know what you do to me? I'm all dark and you're..." I can't even finish.

"You know there's more to you than the dark, Jughead," she says wrapped in my hands. "There's more to you than just the dark, there's never been a moment in all the time that I've known you that I've thought you're just a deep ocean of dark."

"I'm sorry for always running."

"Fuck the last five years, Jughead," she replies. "Just be with me here."

"I'm here."

I sigh and in my mind, I'm shouting at myself; No, don't do it. Don't taste it. Don't feel it. Don't regret it. Don't do it. Don't taste it. Don't feel it. Don't regret it.

Don't run.

Do it. Taste it. Regret it. Feel it. Feeling it.

I can feel it.

Her sigh dances on my skin and her hand starts moving, quickly, the licking of her lips sounds slick across her own skin and I can't focus when her hand is on me and the vice that was tightening with every beat of my heart is easing and...

I'm still here.

Author's Note: Am I defending my own chapter? Yes. Because I know you guys probably hate me but every relationship has it's bad days, right? But then you gotta take the good with the bad, right? So in theory, if this is the bad, then the good are coming, right? A shout out to my girls Bekah and Brit. You guys are my calm in the storm.

Side note: Don't worry about Crystal.

Ps: I am going to be away for a whole fortnight! Doing mum stuff. So I am sorry, no update next week. But please, still review because I am a car and your reviews are my petrol. I am Jughead and your reviews are burgers...

Preview:

I hear my phone ring; "I think it's your mom," Betty says, "Answer it!" she says excitedly.

I just shake my head and shove my phone away. "Your mess, you do it," I mumble.

"Ok!" she says but I reach out for the phone before she gets it.

"I don't trust you!" I hiss but it just earns me another laugh in reply.

My phone dings and I look at the message on the screen.

- You're having a what?! Answer your phone, Forsythe!

"Answer your phone, Forsythe," Betty says with a wink.

"You're going to be the death of me, do you know that?" I ask.

She just stands up to leave and I follow after her, my phone never stopping.