He's stopped paying any attention to the requests he approves. The last one he'd taken in even slightly was a request for shifting the stormtrooper duty schedule by a single hour. Hux is clearly trying to overwhelm him with tedium and he refuses to play.
His back stiff, he stands and stretches. His arms are just falling back to his sides when he sees Rey. And oh … oh she's moving through forms with her new lightsaber.
Time slows and he's helpless to do anything other than watch. She's … the grace in her movements, how she is so in tune with the Force, it's stunning, stirring, and humbling.
He was right. Her saber is the most beautiful weapon he's ever seen. To call it a weapon feels crude. It's a piece of art. The blade is long and slim, so white it seems almost silver. It's smooth and hums quietly, sounding almost like a resolved chord. Nothing like the spitting fire of his own blade.
The crossgaurds are slightly thicker than his own and there's … something about the hilt. Then she's spinning and pulling the crossguard from the main blade and twin blades extend, creating a saber staff. Oh … Oh, she's made two! She clips the main blade to her belt and twirls the staff nimbly.
He should turn away, but he's powerless to tear his eyes from her. He's reminded of an opera he'd seen as a boy, so beautiful it hurt. But he'd promised, he must stop this open, naked staring.
"It's alright," she says, startling him. She ceases her dance and places the now quiet staff back at the hilt of the saber at her hip.
He tilts his head in confusion. The last thing he'd expected was for her to speak with him.
She sighs, "Really, Ben, it's alright. I … I'm glad you're here. I … I wanted you to see them."
Suddenly he realizes he can see them. Then he remembers how he'd seen the books, too. Their connection is changing. Deepening.
"They're gorgeous, Rey, I've never seen anything like them … how …" His tone is open with awe.
She smiles her perfect smile and shrugs. "I had two crystals, so I thought why not. I got the basics from my books and the rest just … came to me."
"Two crystals …?"
"From … from Luke's old saber." She looks at him with a flicker of regret. "It cracked in two, but somehow they're both stable. I didn't think it would work, I was struggling, then you were with me and everything … sang." Her eyes shine with joy and her light is beguiling in its strength.
Pushing away the memory of his shock when she'd tried to pull his grandfather's saber to her, stabbing his offer through, he focuses on her open, welcoming bearing. She's' talking to him and that's all that matters. "I was afraid you'd be angry that I was there, that you wouldn't want to share that with me."
Her eyes close briefly and her face grows tense. "I'm never angry to see you … Really, I can't imagine not having shared building my lightsabers with you. You were with me when I found the Force, when I first truly felt it flow through me … it was … right that you were there." She looks away for a moment then returns her gaze to him. "I just … I don't know how to be with you when you'll order the deaths of thousands. I can't … I can't just ignore that."
They've drawn quite close and she's leaning towards him. It would be so easy to reach for her hands, but he controls himself. "I can't tell you why, but I promise it was necessary. I don't welcome death. I never agreed with the destruction of the Hosnian System and I don't take lives lightly."
She lets out a shuddering sigh and whispers, "I don't know how to do this. I know I shouldn't be with you but … I …" She swallows audibly and shakes her head. "I'm being torn apart," she says so quietly he can barely hear her.
Rey looks so small and he just can't take it. He pulls off his glove and, very slowly, extends his hand. Her eyes fly to his and she blinks quickly. Fear and longing flow across her delicate features and he keeps his hand held out to her, shoving away the memory of how she'd reacted the last time he'd offered his hand to her.
Her arm raises slowly and he sees her fingers tremble. It takes an eternity, but oh, oh there it is. Their fingertips touch, gliding, and soon their fingers are laced together.
Breathing quickly from the contact, he's consumed by the much missed pleasure of her touch. Yes … here it is, everything he needs, right here in her fingers laced with his. He draws his thumb across her palm and she gasps sharply. They never look away from each other's eyes as they stand, their hands and souls meshed.
They say nothing, simply basking in the glory of their connection until it fades.
"Damn," Hux mutters at his datapad. Kylo is standing next to him, looking out on the stars.
Intrigued, Kylo turns his head to look at his second-in-command. "Yes?"
Hux looks at him appraisingly. "Only that our spy network on Quol is not as well established as on Atalyn. We have less precise intelligence as to what the Resistance is up to."
Kylo frowns, surprised at the ambivalence he feels. This should frustrate him, but instead he finds a part of him sigh in relief.
"Of course," Hux continues. "We do have their location. Perhaps it's time to take advantage of that fact?"
Kylo senses the danger, that somehow this is a test. He has to find a way to stall. He had intended to travel to Quol himself to bring her to him. He hadn't really considered the rest of her … compatriots. And now that she's talking to him again, he's not at all sure he should take her like he'd planned.
However, he can't put this off any longer. He needs time. "I want scenarios drawn up. Have the analysts review a stealth operation's effectiveness."
Hux's lips purse. "I'm sure if we just wiped out their location-"
"We can't keep simply using force. Isn't it you who told me that?"
The ginger irritant swallows tightly. "As you say, sir. I'll request the analysis."
"Thank you, Hux," Kylo says with false gratitude.
It's late and he's in his rooms. He should prepare for bed, but he keeps hoping she'll arrive. It's been two days and now that she's talked to him, let him touch her again, he's desperate to see her.
He's afraid she'll pull away, but he's also tremendously hopeful. She's letting him back in. They'll find a way, he's sure of it. They truly have no choice. They must be together. It was killing them both to be apart.
Finally! She's here! Oh. Oh Force. She's wearing very little clothing, clearly either about to go to bed or just waking up. He doesn't know the schedule on Quol. But her hair is tousled, it must be the morning there.
She squeaks when she notices him and draws her arm across her chest, but not before he catches a glimpse of her nipples straining against the scant nightgown she's wearing.
He doesn't say anything, allowing her to decide how much of their last interaction will change things between them. It's so tempting to pull her into his arms, kiss along the long column of her throat, pull the thin fabric from her body and finally taste her delectable breasts. But he stands firm, waiting.
The smallest of smiles plays on her lips, then she's putting on a robe. He's quite disappointed to see her form disappear behind the shapeless garment. But perhaps it's for the best. He doesn't know if he could focus with so much of her skin on display.
Skittishly, she comes up to him. Then she's reaching for his hand and he eagerly twines their fingers. He doesn't try to suppress the sigh of contentment that is pulled from his deepest places. Oh, Rey. Beloved Rey.
"Hi," she says shyly, and he's reminded of their first interactions after that awful day on the Supremacy.
"Hello, Rey," he rumbles.
"I … I've been thinking …"
Cold fear skitters up his spine. It does not usually go very well for him when Rey has been thinking.
"Yes?" he asks with trepidation.
"I … I'd like to talk to you, really talk to you about what happened with … Snoke. We … we never really did."
A nerve jumps just under his eye. He doesn't like to think about that day, how wrong he'd been, the way too much had changed. How she'd rejected him … He stays silent.
"I mean, I know we see it very differently, but … I'd like … I'd like to understand why you wouldn't come with me."
His temper flares and he finds himself snarling, "Or why you wouldn't join me!"
She drops his hand and he panics. Why can he never keep himself under control? But he won't beg. Not today. He's sure it's only a matter of time before she has him begging anyway. She always does.
Her face is blank and he has no idea what she's feeling. Her lips make a thin line then she takes in a deep breath and takes his hand again. "Please, Ben … can we try to just … talk?"
He's not sure why this makes him so nervous, only that he's not used to talking about what's inside of him. But if … if he were to share his tumultuous thoughts with anyone, it would be Rey.
"Alright," he finally concedes.
"Let's sit?" she suggests cautiously.
He nods slightly and goes to his chair. He sees her pulling a chair, a chair he can actually see, in front of him and soon she's sitting quite close.
Rey takes in a deep breath and her eyes are sad when she says, "After we survived Snoke's guards … you were looking at me so intensely. I thought you might just sweep me up in your arms, honestly. But then … you stopped and looked at Snoke's body … or his throne. I've never known. What … what were you thinking?"
Oh he knows precisely what he'd been thinking when he'd throw off the last of the guards. He'd been thinking that he wanted to kiss her so hard she forgot her own name, but then … then he'd realized it was over. It was finally over. All that pain and degradation. Snoke could never hurt him again.
And in that moment he'd wanted all of it to be over. If he became Supreme Leader, with Rey at his side, he would finally be his own man. None with power over him. He'd be free. Finally, free. Force, he'd wanted it so badly. Still wants it. But he's found it means nothing without her with him.
How to put all these feelings and thoughts into words?
"I was thinking I was free," he finally says.
"Yet your first thought was domination, as you'd found your freedom," she says, not unkindly.
He clenches his eyes shut. Of course that's what she'd think. "No. Leading. Ruling. That's not the same thing as domination."
"Of course it is! Look at what Snoke did to the galaxy, to just want to be him-"
On his feet in an instant, he shouts, "Not Snoke, never Snoke! Do you understand what he did to me?"
She pulls back into her chair and looks at him worriedly. Quietly she says, "I ... I ... no ..."
"He tortured me, Rey. Time and again he would make me scream. Just because he could. And I took it, Maker, I took it because I thought it was to make me better. I thought it was because he cared," he sneers, disgusted with himself. Gods, he feels like he's going to be sick. He just kept coming back, groveling for more. What sort of twisted thing is he? Allowing himself to be treated like that? Welcoming it?
She blinks, staying silent.
Kylo goes to his knees in front of her. "Can you imagine? Can you? I gave him everything, everything and the one thing I wanted, the one thing he knew I wanted, he was going to make me kill you. You … who are everything to me," he pleads, taking her face in his hand.
Rey nods and takes his other hand in hers. "I want to; I want to understand."
"He had me so confused, so broken that I believed I had to kill my own father," he whispers, his eyes stinging. He drops his hand from her face, unable to meet her eyes, the horror of his own actions too much to bear. He doesn't want to see the way she looks at him when she's reminded of his sins.
He keeps his head bowed and can't blame her when she pulls her hand from his. But then, he feels her questing fingers at his cheeks and she's pulling at his face, forcing him to look up. Finally, he allows her to lift his gaze to hers and what he finds takes the breath from his lungs.
There's so much love and … and understanding in her eyes. Her fingers hold his face firmly and it's so like how it had felt when his father had touched his cheek on that horrible nightmare bridge. For the first time, he allows himself to wonder if it truly was forgiveness he'd seen in his eyes?
"Is that why you did it, kill him? Did Snoke make you believe you had to?" she asks oh so gently.
He finds himself nodding.
"Oh, Ben."
His name on her lips…. he suddenly knows why he allows her to use it. It's because, somehow, when she does, it's like he could maybe be everything she sees. It's been such a long time since anyone thought he could be … better.
He's going to pieces and the only reason he hasn't disintegrated utterly is her strong hands holding him together. He's trembling so hard that he can't form proper thoughts. Memories come for him so fast and hard. The red glow of that moment on Starkiller Base, trying to find the rage he needs to commit this unnatural act.
Now on his knees in front of Snoke, understanding that he will never, ever be good enough. Time has ceased to function. His blade goes through his father, the moment he understands it meant nothing, nothing, spiraling, spinning, taking him down and breaking him open.
Rey, precious Rey screaming in anguish, wondering if his screams sound the same. Now he's killing his master and his mind is his own. There's no purchase to be found, heinous act after heinous act tearing through him.
But the she's pulling him into her arms and oh, oh … Somehow she's finding all of his broken parts and putting him back together. Eventually he stops shaking as she soothes him with her gliding hands and crooning voice.
"I've got you, I've got you."
Oh, and she does. How she does.
"I love you," she murmurs against him.
He tightens his arms around her, feels her answering embrace and he chokes out, "I love you, Rey."
A/N: I'm going to be so sad when I have to go back to work. I wish I could write like this forever! You have all been beyond fantastic and I want to throw a great big tea party for everyone. Thank you, thank you, thank you.