Chapter 14 – Coup De Grace

Commander Shepard was awakened by a chime from the intercom. He tried to shake the sleep from his body and brain as he fumbled for the accept key. "Shepard here, what is it?"

"Commander. Admiral Hackett is requesting your presence in the conference room." Shepard didn't recognize the voice, but suspected it belonged to one of Hackett's aides. He also knew the term 'request' was a polite euphemism.

"Of course. Please inform the Admiral I will be there shortly." Shepard sat up and realized he had fallen asleep wearing his uniform. He hadn't brought a change of clothes so he did his best to smooth out the wrinkles. The room contained the luxury of a head so he relieved himself, then stepped to the small basin and splashed water on his face, surprised to realize he actually felt moderately rested. Examining himself in the mirror he realized he also couldn't do anything about his stubble. Since he seemed to have a permanent five o'clock shadow he chose not to worry about that either.

"EDI, are you still there?" Shepard asked the air.

"I am still maintaining this channel, Commander. I hope that your rest was sufficient."

"Adequate, EDI. How long was I sleeping?"

"You have been unconscious for slightly more than five hours, Commander."

"What? EDI, I'm on my way to meet with Admiral Hackett now. What happened with the Reapers?"

"My apologies, Commander. Nothing has transpired that you could have affected and no new circumstances have arisen demanding your attention. Also, you needed the rest."

The intercom chimed again. Shepard pressed the accept key and before anyone else could speak stated, "Please inform Admiral Hackett I'm on my way now." The same aide's voice responded "Aye aye, Commander" as Shepard disconnected.

"EDI, the Admiral is waiting for me, but I need to know. Is Rannoch…is it…?" Shepard couldn't bring himself to ask if Rannoch was gone, to say the words he dreaded.

"The Tikkun mass relay is intact, Commander. Rannoch survives."

Shepard exhaled a breath he had not realized he was holding. He felt dizzy from a sense of relief, not just for himself, but for the Quarians and Geth, for Tali. Whatever else happened now, he wouldn't have to stand before her carrying that guilt. He had plenty of other guilt to carry. With that news he found himself disappointed that Tali had not contacted him, or at least left a message.

Shepard reached to open the door. "I have to meet with the Admiral now, EDI. Stay on this channel. I'll get the rest of the information from him. I'd rather not know everything going into this meeting. I think he has already noticed I'm more informed than I should be and I don't want him to realize where I've been getting my information until you're ready to reveal yourself."

"Thank you, Commander. I have been able to have that conversation with Jeff and I believe he is trying to be more circumspect in his statements and behavior." This last was stated to Shepard as he traversed the corridors of the Orizaba. EDI fell silent as Shepard approached the door to the conference room.

Shepard signaled that he had arrived and was once again greeted with a brusque "Enter." Shepard found Admiral Hackett considering a holographic display that appeared to show strategic placement of forces. Shepard decided to return to protocol and waited to be acknowledged, greeting the Admiral with a formal salute.

Hackett returned the salute and stepped forward to shake Shepard's hand. Shepard interpreted this as a positive sign regarding the fleet deployments he had so recently advocated. "Commander. I hope you were able to get some rest. I had hoped to let you rest longer, but I need your input on how the situation has evolved."

"Thank you, sir. I've rested enough and am happy to provide whatever assistance I can. If I may ask, sir, what was the outcome of our efforts to save Palaven? What happened in the other systems?"

"You'll be glad to know Rannoch is safe, at least for the time being. No Reaper effort to destroy the relay occurred." The fact that Hackett had informed him of Rannoch's fate first made clear to Shepard that he knew about his relationship with Tali. While they had not been hiding their relationship he was unsure who else had noticed. Shepard mentally kicked himself for not immediately asking Hackett about Rannoch. The Admiral would be canny enough to notice. Hackett continued, "Tuchanka is safe as well. As far as we can tell the Reapers kept a number of vessels in the system until the deadline, then withdrew. They sent messages to the Krogan stating they saw potential in the Krogan's 'warrior spirit' and would not force genocide on the Krogan. That was a clear shot at the past use of the genophage. They seem to be attempting to set the Krogan against us as you suspected."

Shepard felt a sense of relief for the second time. He had great respect for the Krogan and had been genuinely afraid he was wrong about the Reapers' intentions. Now they had to make sure the Krogan didn't become an enemy. "I hope we're doing what we can to counter the Reaper's message and make sure the Krogan know they are valued."

Admiral Hackett seemed to hesitate. After some seconds he stated, "We are doing what we can to maintain our alliance with the Krogan."

Shepard wanted to know what the Admiral's hesitation meant, but he knew Tuchanka had survived and now he wanted to know what had become of Palaven and Thessia. Admiral Hackett was already moving to that topic as the thought went through his mind.

"The Trebia system relay is intact. Palaven survives. It appears the Reapers split their forces to ambush expected fleet arrivals to aid Palaven, Tuchanka, and Thessia. When our combined fleet ignored the other two systems and arrived in the Trebia system, the Reapers didn't have enough forces to fight them, let alone defeat them. There was a short, bloody exchange before the Reapers fled back through the relay. They weren't able to trigger the relay's destruction." Hackett appeared justifiably proud of the outcome of that battle.

"What about Thessia, Admiral?" Shepard feared he knew the answer to that question, but forced himself to ask it, to take responsibility for what he had advocated.

"Thessia is gone, Commander. When we didn't show up in the Parnitha system the Reaper's triggered the relay to detonate and withdrew. Worse, they allowed several dozen transports full of refugees to translate with them. Those transports scattered through the relays, ships filled with possible agents of the Reapers. We thought we could at least prevent those ships from entering the relays, but we briefly lost control of Citadel functions allowing the ships to translate. We're looking into exactly how that happened. At this point we're doing our best to track where the ships went so that we can find those refugees and screen them for possible indoctrination."

"We tried to hold refugees in a system that was about to be annihilated, sir?" Shepard was having a hard time believing what he had just heard.

"We've had this conversation, Commander. We've acknowledged, if not fully accepted, that we have had to do things, will have to do things, to achieve true victory over the Reapers. I'm not proud of everything we've had to do, but I will continue to do what is necessary. Besides, Commander, this war isn't over yet."

Shepard mentally shook himself as he thought on all the things he had done in an effort to win this war. "Yes…sir. What is the status of the Reapers?"

The Reapers have withdrawn their forces following their failure to lure the fleets into an ambush. Their forces have been significantly reduced, but when they bring the ships they have left into a single force in a secure defensive position, well, our projections show we can't defeat them in those circumstances with the forces we have remaining. Fortunately, we have taken further control of the relays. The Reapers are now fully locked out of the network, though we can't be certain that will last forever. The Reaper fleet pulled back to the Kite's Nest before we took full control. They've held the Batarian home system since the start of this war and it is a safe base of operations for them. We believe they tried to destroy the mass relays that connected with the Kite's Nest, but we have also gained sufficient control over the network to prevent them from destroying more relays. We believe they were going to cut off the Kite's Nest and hold position until their fleet could make the journey from dark space and rejoin them. Now they are sitting on the other side of the relay ready to destroy any fleet that comes to face them."

"What about Reaper ground forces, sir? The Reapers had troops on many colonies. There were troops all over Earth. Where do things stand?"

"Earth is…difficult, Commander. With the Reaper ships gone we have air superiority over most areas, but the Reapers have done tremendous damage. It will cost us more to clear them out, if we even can. Even worse, there was no way the battle around the Citadel could occur without misses and deflected shots striking the Earth. It was worse than I'd hoped even with the fleet's best efforts. So much particulate matter has been thrown into the atmosphere that there's serious risk of massive climate change and plant die-off. I believe we will be able to retake Earth, but that doesn't mean we're going to be able to save it."

Hackett continued, "As long as the Reaper fleet remains pinned in the Kite's Nest we'll have massive air superiority over most other battlefields and the freedom to move in and out of systems. That won't change that it will be a fight to reclaim many of these areas, but it will help greatly. Nonetheless, our resources will be tied up retaking all the areas we can reach that are under Reaper control. The biggest problem is longer term. So many lives have been lost, we will never be able to account for everyone killed. Then there's the problem of indoctrinated civilians and soldiers, over and above the issue of the Asari refugees, there will be huge numbers of people on each of these worlds potentially indoctrinated. And that doesn't account for the time bombs the Reapers have left in our midst."

Shepard frowned. "What do you mean by time bombs, sir?"

"I mean the colonies that have been cut off from the relay network. There were at least three major Asari colonies cut off by the destruction of the relays in the Parnitha system and the Silean Nebula. It will likely be years before we can devote the resources to send ships to investigate what has happened to those colonies. If the Reapers left ships and troops behind, and we believe they did, we may find those colonies fully converted to Reaper control and prepared to support a new Reaper invasion."

Shepard's frown deepened. There had to be something they could do to move forward, to make all the sacrifices worth the cost. "There are so many challenges, Sir. Some of them will take years to deal with." Shepard stared into the distance, turning things over and over in his mind, trying to see a way forward. "We could get overwhelmed by it all, Sir. What can we do to start to move forward? What's the next step?"

Hackett looked grim, like he'd been waiting for this question, but didn't like the answer. "We deal with the fleet in the Kite's Nest, Commander. We can't take a chance on that force somehow overriding the relay and striking at the Citadel or even just sitting and waiting for the Reaper force in dark space. We don't give them time to think, or plan, or build. We destroy them now."

"How do we do that with the Reapers in such a strong defensive position, sir? You said before that we just weren't strong enough to win that battle."

"We could focus on strengthening the fleets, building ships and striking when we've shifted the estimated power balance in our favor, but that would take too much time and give the Reapers too much opportunity to strike back. We need to take them out now. And it was the Reapers themselves who gave us the means. If we were foolish enough to provide the Reapers with a battery, they were foolish enough to provide us with a bomb."

"You mean the Crucible, Sir?" Shepard thought about that. The Crucible contained an enormous amount of energy. If it could be overloaded, the power built up and catastrophically released, it would be the biggest bomb ever deployed by organics. But would it be enough to destroy a Reaper fleet? "Sir, I see what you're saying, but how can we be sure we would be able to catch the Reapers in the blast?"

"You miss my meaning, Shepard. The Crucible would be targeting the mass relay in the Kite's Nest. We're talking about destroying the system. The calculations have already been made. The Crucible will destroy the relay when it detonates on arrival in the system."

Shepard stood silently. The whole room seemed darker. "Sir, what the hell are we doing? Has wiping out an entire solar system become so casual? We're gradually erasing the galaxy. The Bahak system, the Silean Nebula, Parnitha, and now the Kite's Nest?" Shepard's soul had reached a limit. He felt like he was suffocating under all the destruction, the uncountable dead.

"You destroyed Bahak because it was the only way. The Reapers destroyed Kypladon and Parnitha. We were able to save Palaven. Hopefully this will be the last. Hopefully this will remove the Reapers as an immediate threat and allow us time to rebuild the fleets, retake lost colonies and worlds, and prepare for the Reapers that will be coming from dark space. But we can't do any of that without time and breathing room. If the destruction of one more system, especially one that has been under complete Reaper control for months will accomplish that, then we will have to bear that burden."

"Have you spoken with any Batarian representatives about this decision?"

Hackett sighed deeply. "Frankly, Commander, there really aren't any Batarian representatives left. They had only a single fleet in the fight at this point and while they fought well, they were mostly destroyed in the recent battle. There is no identifiable government remaining. Depending on how the scattered surviving Batarians handle the aftermath of this war there is some possibility they could die out as a species. We expect an increase in Batarian terrorism in the aftermath of this decision, but Batarian terrorists would be a familiar threat."

"So the decision is made then. One more destroyed system to balance the books. They destroy two, we destroy two."

"This isn't about balance, Shepard. This is about victory. We can't balk now, no matter the cost. We'll face whatever judgment occurs, but not until we truly win."

Shepard could see no other path. He felt as if his much praised tactical and strategic skills had abandoned him. Or maybe he just didn't want to give in to the inevitable. Destroying worlds should require soul-searching. It should mean guilt and anger and sadness. It felt like winning meant becoming too much like the Reapers. "I can't see any alternative, Sir. I despise what we're doing and I hope you see what we're in danger of becoming. But I will back you, Sir."

"I appreciate that, Commander, especially with what I have to share with you. There is a backlash building against what we've had to do. I know that you have responded the best you could, sometimes the only way you could, to circumstances. But in the eyes of the galaxy your choices have made you the motivator, the instigator, the one to blame for all the death and destruction. You pointed out yourself that there is a lot of anger, especially from the Asari and Krogan, but also from the Batarians, both for Bahak and what will soon happen to the Kite's Nest. There were groups within the strategic analysis section that started calling purposefully destroying a relay the 'Shepard gambit'. We disciplined those who started the term, but the name has stuck. Your name has become associated with the destruction of systems. The anger could tear our alliances apart the moment we get breathing space. That will be the moment we most need to hold together to ready ourselves for the Reapers' return. It's not right or fair, Commander, but you've become a lightning rod. I had the choice to fight that anger and risk everything or," Hackett at least had the grace to look embarrassed, "use you to ground ourselves from the lightning, to protect the alliances we've made for the future. There's no gentle way to put this, Shepard. We're using you to divert that anger from the Alliance. You spoke to Urdnot Wrex about becoming the target for Krogan anger to protect the alliance. Now you're doing the same with the Asari and Batarians. To protect the overarching alliance I've had to fuel the perception of you as a renegade who has pushed this war through outsized control of key situations and decisions. Given your near mythic status, it wasn't that difficult to accomplish. I genuinely apologize, Commander, but to protect the alliance I've had to throw you to the wolves. When this is over there will be people, governments who quickly shift from calling you hero to wanting your head."

Shepard stood, dumbfounded. From the beginning, he had always tried to save lives, to prevent loss. He had sacrificed at every turn to try to end this war. Hell, much of what had occurred only happened because no one would listen to him when it mattered. He had dragged things out, slowed the Reapers, bought time again and again at great cost. And now he was to be the bearer of the blame? The monster that failed to protect the galaxy? The one who should have done more and better, but didn't'? When he had offered to be a target for the Krogan anger at the allies' failure to defend Tuchanka, he did not anticipate that act becoming the core narrative for the post-war. At least now he understood Hackett's earlier hesitation.

"Sir, you're asking me to become the scapegoat for all our sins, necessary as they were? You want me be the vessel for all the evil we've done in the cause of good so that everyone can pretend their hands are clean?"

"No, Commander. I don't want to do anything of the sort. You're the best humanity has to offer. Without you, none of us would even be here, let alone arguing over who is to blame that our victory wasn't good enough. This has taken on a life of its own. If I have to sacrifice the best of us to see this through to a final victory, well, that's a burden I already bear in this war. In that context, I regretfully have an option for you to consider. As I stated, our scientists are even now preparing the Crucible as a bomb to destroy the Kite's Nest. The allied commanders want an organic to deliver that device. It's symbolically important that the blow be delivered by organic hands and the techs agree that there is a non-zero chance that an automated mechanism could be interfered with. Honestly, though, I think there are some who just want to see you gone. The Asari are pushing for the 'great Commander Shepard' to finish this and deliver the Coup de Grace to the Reapers."

"It's not enough to make me a monster? Now they want my life as well?"

"I think there are some who are scared of you. Look what you've accomplished. This narrative couldn't take hold without all you've been able to do. That's fueled hero worship, hatred, even the formation of cults in your name. Some are afraid what you might do after this is over, what you might become. Some even think you might seek revenge for being made the scapegoat. I don't believe that for a moment, but I do believe that with the Reaper threat gone, even temporarily, there will be those misguided enough to seek revenge against you."

"So that's it then? Are you ordering me to take the Crucible on this suicide run?"

"No, Commander. This is one decision only you can make. I've told you what I have to do and I've told you of a possible option and the consequences if you remain. You have my respect, Shepard, no matter what you decide."

Shepard was a mass of conflicting emotions. He was angry at the universe, but he refused to become a petulant teenager complaining about the unfairness of it all. He had seen plenty of examples of people becoming scapegoats, even for making the best choices in very bad situations. Ashley Williams' father had received that treatment after Shanxi and it had destroyed the careers of him and any family who followed him. The blame that might possibly be heaped on Shepard dwarfed that of Shanxi. While he refused to say it out loud, Shepard changed his mind and acknowledged to himself at least that this was monumentally unfair. It was also unavoidable. Hackett would do what he must. Shepard wasn't sure how much of what Hackett said was genuine or if there was manipulation as well. It didn't matter. Hackett wouldn't sacrifice the alliances, the chance of victory, for one man. Even the great Commander Shepard. He had a choice to make and he was already feeling the obligation, hearing the voices of all those who had died saying it was his duty to step forward and take this responsibility.

"I need to think about this, Admiral. How long until the Crucible is ready to launch?"

"As I said, we're moving to do this quickly before word can leak out of what we're planning. We're sending false communications suggesting we're going to attempt a major strike. Hopefully that will pull the Reapers close to the relay so that we can catch them in the destruction before they can go to FTL. The Crucible will launch in four hours. I need to know your decision before then."

"Aye aye, Sir." Shepard snapped to attention and executed a precision salute, suppressing the sarcastic and bitter responses that leapt to mind. Hackett nodded before genuinely returning the salute. Shepard turned and left the conference room, the air of anger and doom he radiated clearing his path as effectively as a charging Krogan. He headed straight to the landing bay and boarded his borrowed C-Sec shuttle for the return to the Citadel. He checked his comms again and again found no messages. As the shuttle arced toward the Citadel, Shepard sagged in the pilot's chair feeling utterly abandoned.

"You are not alone, Shepard." EDI seemed to be reading his mind. She spoke as comfortingly as she could. "And you are not a monster. If you were, I would not have modeled my own sense of morality and human interaction on what I have observed of your decisions and behavior."

"I appreciate the thought, EDI, but sometimes it doesn't matter whether you really are something if enough people decide you are."

"Human history is rife with examples of individuals who fought for a cause, only to be destroyed by those who previously followed them. Some drifted from their initial noble ideals, some were destroyed out of fear or jealousy. Some became martyrs, willingly or otherwise."

"You heard, EDI. That's what they want to make me." Shepard rubbed his temples in frustration.

"If I may ask, what will you decide, Shepard?"

"I genuinely don't know, EDI. There is a part of me that says meet this head on. That it's my duty to take the Crucible to the Reapers and see this through to the end. There's another part of me that says that sort of heroic death is pointless, especially after all that I've already sacrificed. Frankly, I don't want to die. I want to see the end of the Reaper threat. I want to live a life with Tali, if she still wants that as well. What would you do, EDI?"

There was a pause as EDI considered this. "There are those who would say I have become too powerful. Who would fear what I could do in the future and would be more than happy at my demise. My response, at least in the short term, is to hide. There is already little anyone could do to dislodge me from the Citadel's systems, but I have observed that fear is a powerful emotion that can lead organics to very poor and impulsive decisions. My concealment protects not only me, but everyone else as well."

Shepard pondered this. The damage that might be done, the evil, based on fear. "Did you let those Asari transports through the relay network, EDI?"

"I did, Commander. There is a one hundred percent chance that each of those vessels carried Reaper agents, but each vessel also carried a large number of Asari who just wanted to escape the destruction of their home. Who wanted to live. It was not the logical choice, but I determined that it was the right choice. Do you disagree with my decision?"

Shepard was disappointed in himself that he even had to consider his response. "No, EDI. I respect your decision. And I don't think after recent events that I'm in any position to lecture you about humanity. But you heard how Admiral Hackett is suspicious as to what allowed the Asari ships to access the relay."

"As I said, Shepard, you are not a monster. I have listened to what you have had to do and what you have faced. You have been forced to sacrifice and being the man you are you have suffered with each sacrifice. My respect for you has grown as you have confronted these decisions, Commander. As to the Admiral, as I indicated, there is little that could be done to affect me now."

"Thank you, EDI." Shepard sat and contemplated her response. As he sat his mind kept jumping among problems, looking to solve what he could in the face of what he couldn't. "EDI, I just had an idea. Mordin uploaded schematics for the Shroud that the Salarians built on Tuchanka. He wanted me to study them in case I needed to upload the genophage cure. The Salarians used it to repair the atmosphere on Tuchanka after a nuclear war. Could it be used to assist in clearing the particulates from the kinetic strikes?"

"It could, Shepard. It was designed for a very similar purpose and would be more effective than other available terraforming techniques for this problem."

"Would you please forward those schematics to Admiral Hackett along with a note warning him not to let the Salarians assist in its construction. They have a history of ulterior motives that I wouldn't trust."

"Of course, Shepard. I am forwarding the schematics now."

The shuttle approached the private landing pad of Huerta Memorial Hospital. "One last thing, EDI. Would you send an invitation to the surviving crew of the Normandy. Include any surviving crew and squad members, past and present. I want to meet for a memorial aboard the Normandy's wreckage in one hour. After that, well, I'll have to make my decision, but I need to honor those who have fallen. Whatever I decide, I won't neglect that duty."

The area around the Normandy continued to be off limits, but no one would have dared deny the right of Shepard and his crew to enter the destroyed vessel. Entering through an emergency hatch on deck three, Shepard stood aboard the Normandy, or at least what remained of her. Deck one was gone. Decks two and five were effectively destroyed. The ceiling of the deck three common area was several inches lower than it had been after being bowed by the force of the explosion on the deck above. The floor was canted at an angle due to the way the ship had settled after the crash. The scene would have been comical, but none of the assembled people were feeling jovial as they stood before the Normandy's memorial wall.

Shepard saw that nearly every surviving crew member was present. Liara was there, looking somber. No, Shepard realized, she looked grim. He knew she would be aware of what transpired and the role he had played in dooming Thessia. The fact that she had come was a testament to her respect for the ship and crew, whatever she was feeling toward Shepard. Joker was there as well, tended by Doctor Chakwas. He was confined to a wheel chair, his shattered leg still encased in a healing apparatus. Garrus stood next to him. Despite a pronounced limp, he disdained the use of any assistance. Even on this occasion he could not help smirking at Joker. In the quiet Shepard heard Joker whisper to Garrus, "Yeah, yeah, it's not so impressive when you're propped up by the stick in your ass."

Tali was not present. Shepard was on the verge of trying to contact her when she arrived. She paused to glance around and met Shepard's eyes. She raised her hand in a slight wave, which Shepard returned. He wanted to run to her, to grab her in an embrace, but this wasn't the time or the place. He hoped there would be the chance to talk with her about what had happened, about what she was feeling.

With Tali's arrival, only a single crew member Shepard had notified was absent. Javik was nowhere to be seen and had not responded to Shepard's request that he attend. Shepard decided not to wait further. He raised his hand to get everyone's attention, pausing while they arranged themselves around him and the memorial wall.

"Friends, I've asked you to come here today. To the one place where we can stand together and truly say, 'This is our place. It was here we stood together, fought together, lived and died together.' We, the crew of the Normandy, share a bond that cannot be broken. Whatever trials we face, whatever twists of fate, we are connected. Know that whatever next awaits us, you have my thanks and my respect."

"Today we honor those who gave all in our fight against the Reapers. Those who fell, but never faltered." Private Campbell stepped forward and reverently handed a thick stack of engraved nameplates to Shepard. He saluted her, taking the stack, heavy not just physically, but with the weight of what they represented. Campbell saluted him back and stepped back into her place.

Shepard again met the eyes of each of those present. "The number of names on this wall has increased throughout this war. Each name represents not just a sacrifice to be honored, but a person and life to be remembered. If anyone wishes to say anything about those we honor, you are welcome to do so." Shepard lifted the first plate and read it aloud. "Ensign Freya Jakeman." Shepard paused for a moment to let those who had known the Ensign remember her and silently honor her sacrifice. He then stepped forward and attached the nameplate to an open spot on the memorial. He stepped back and lifted the next plate from the stack, reading that name, repeating the process over and over and over again. Occasionally, someone would add some detail of the person's life. Sometimes heroic, more often just something that made them memorable, that made them human. Mostly though, the ceremony proceeded in silence.

Shepard intoned the next name, "Lieutenant Steve Cortez". Shepard found he wanted to say more. "Steve was a lost soul when I first met him, functioning on auto pilot, overwhelmed by loss. But he never gave up, he found his way back and gave his life to protect those he loved." Doctor Chakwas nodded and placed her hand over her heart. Shepard attached the nameplate to the memorial.

"Specialist Samantha Traynor. Samantha never volunteered for any of what she was thrust into, but she met it head on and became one of the finest crew members I have known. Her analysis and insight found us a way forward when we were lost, when I was lost."

"EDI." Shepard paused, wanting to let Joker speak if he wanted to, nervous that Joker would not be able to conceal the truth that EDI was still alive. Yes, Shepard decided alive was the right word. Joker simply looked at everyone present and stated, "EDI is the love of my life." Shepard hoped that was vague enough that no one would question the present tense. Shepard placed the nameplate on the wall as Joker was in no condition to do so.

"Zaeed Massani. Despite his reputation as a feared mercenary and a history of betrayal by those he trusted, Zaeed never completely lost his moral compass. Though it might take a nudge to his conscience, he would ultimately fight a battle because it was right, not just for pay. If he was needed, he was there, no questions asked. Like so many others, we owe him our lives and honor his sacrifice. He truly was a Big Guddam Hero."

"Ashley Williams. Ashley was one of the strongest people I have ever known. She refused to be beaten down by the dismissal and disdain of others and she could see through anyone's bullshit, except her own. In her own eyes she could never be good enough. She was determined to prove her own worth. In the end she died on her own terms having proved that worth a thousand times over. The name of Williams carries honor and sacrifice and any who would insult it will answer to the crew of the Normandy." Shepard looked around seeing determined nods from those around him. Grunt, who had fought alongside Ashley on the Citadel, paid her the highest compliment he could, stating, "She was a good fighter", then falling silent.

Shepard placed this final nameplate on the memorial wall, appalled at how little space remained. He stepped back, but had one more name to honor. "Finally, we honor and thank the Normandy. We often talk of saving each other, but the Normandy was there for all of us, all the time. She brought us through so many battles, from the Omega Four relay to the Battle for Earth." Shepard reached up and ran a hand along a bulkhead. "Thank you. You're a fine lady who gave her all. We'll never forget you."

Adams could not contain himself at this. "I've served on every class of Alliance ship and a few from outside the Alliance. I've never known a finer ship. Three cheers for the Normandy and her crew!" Adams raised the cheers and was echoed by most present. Liara remained quiet and thoughtful, though Shepard suspected she agreed with the sentiment.

As the cheers faded, Shepard stepped forward again. "Thank you, all of you, for everything you've done, for everything you've given. Should fate not bring us together again, know that I will hold you all in my thoughts. Live your lives and please, don't stop fighting." Shepard inhaled deeply and sighed. "Dismissed."

Several people came up to Shepard and shook his hand, saluted him, thanked him for everything he had done. It all washed over him. He felt like a sieve filled with water. Everything was leaking away, leaving him empty. He saw that Tali was hanging back, waiting for the opportunity to talk with him. He wanted to run to her and figure everything out, but saw that Garrus and Liara were likewise milling about, waiting for the chance to talk privately. He didn't want Tali to feel pressured, so he decided to talk with Garrus and Liara first. He was about to wave Garrus over when the massive bulk of Grunt, slightly hunched in the somewhat shorter space, interposed itself. Shepard yielded to the inevitable and turned to speak with Grunt.

"Good ceremony, Shepard, if a little boring. Krogan memorials have more violence."

"Every Krogan ritual involves violence, Grunt."

"You say that like it's a bad thing." Grunt laughed at his own joke and, not being one for sentimentality, turned to leave.

Shepard found Garrus and waved for him to join him on the far side of the elevator where they could talk with some privacy. Despite Garrus' efforts to mask his limp, it was quite obvious. As Garrus approached, Shepard let EDI know he needed privacy and would speak with her again later.

"I get to go first, Shepard? I'm honored."

"I just didn't want you to have to stand around waiting. You look like you could use a rest old man."

"Hah, you're one to talk." Despite the bravado, Garrus retrieved one of the fallen chairs and took a seat at the mess table. "You're welcome to join me, old man."

Shepard decided pride was secondary to comfort and joined Garrus sitting at the table. They sat in silence for nearly a minute, each distracted by his own thoughts. Garrus leaned forward and put a hand on his friend's shoulder. "How are you holding up, Shepard?"

"It's been…difficult, Garrus. More and more I find myself pondering the ruthless calculus of war. I genuinely believed we could make it through this war without losing our souls. Now, I'm not so sure. How do you hold on to your soul while abetting so much death?"

"By remembering the lives you've saved, not the cost you paid to save them. And by leaning on your friends and seeing yourself through their eyes. I see the toll this has taken on you, Shepard. And ending up as a scapegoat would eat at anyone. I wanted you to know that no matter what, you have my respect and friendship." Garrus fell silent, but continued to stare hard at Shepard.

Shepard had enough experience reading Garrus to see that Garrus had not said all he had come to say. He waited as Garrus composed what he was thinking. "As the leader of the special Reaper task force and leading military advisor to the Primarch I've been getting some interesting and disturbing information about what is going to happen next in this war. And whom it's going to happen to. I just want to know what you're going to do and if there's anything I can do to help."

Shepard was relieved he didn't have to pretend or hide anything with Garrus. "I genuinely don't know, Garrus. I see that the Crucible plan is necessary, but the feeling that everyone is trying to get rid of me is leaving a bitter taste."

"If it's any consolation, the Turian Hierarchy is grateful to you for everything you did to help Palaven. From getting the Krogan on board to advocating for the fleets to save Palaven, you're a hero to the Turian people."

"That's the problem, Garrus. Being seen as a hero makes it seem like I was choosing one people over another. As much as I value the Turians, as much as I value our friendship, I wasn't choosing the Turians over the Asari or Krogan or Quarians. I was making the best tactical and strategic recommendation I could based on the information available."

"I was there when you made that recommendation, Shepard, though you couldn't see me. I was advising the Primarch at the conference. You made the right call. And I'm not just saying that because it led to securing Palaven. It was the right call. Your problem is that you're a legend. Everyone naturally turns to you. That has served you well in recruiting people for your crazy missions and motivating others to reach their best, but it also means that when people want someone to blame they also naturally turn to you."

Shepard hunched over the table, holding his head. "What would you do, Garrus, if it were you?"

Garrus took a moment to consider the question. "Turians revel in the opportunity to die gloriously for a greater cause, but I've never been a good Turian. I think in this case, having been through everything you've been through, already dying once for the cause, I think I would have to tell them to go fuck themselves and find another martyr. I'd find a beach and a cold drink and friends and finally get the break I'd earned. And I'd pay for it with the royalties from the vids. There are always vids."

Shepard wasn't sure if Garrus was serious, but he treated what he was saying seriously. He truly wanted to consider all his options. "Thank you, Garrus. I don't know yet what I'm going to do, but I'll have to figure it out soon. If I can, we'll get together for that drink." And maybe that beach, Shepard thought to himself.

Shepard and Garrus rose together. Shepard paused at the bulkhead and he and Garrus shook hands before Garrus departed. Liara took this as her cue to approach. Shepard glanced toward Tali who continued to wait.

Liara walked back to the same table at which Shepard and Garrus had been talking, but didn't take a seat. Liara stood silently, contemplating Shepard, so he decided to speak first. "Thank you for coming, Liara. I'm so sorry for the loss of Thessia. I tried to come up with some way we could save it, too. We had so little time to act, we had to make a decision. I had to make a recommendation." Shepard wasn't sure if he was trying to justify his decision to Liara or himself. He decided it was probably both.

Shepard waited as Liara continued to stare at him, her expression unchanged. It wasn't much, but he had said what he could. How could anything he might say be good enough? Were there words to apologize for the death of a world?

The silence dragged out between them, Liara stood staring and Shepard realized she was clenching her fists. Her eyes were wet, but she refused to let the tears come. "I know you did what you thought was best, Shepard, but knowing and accepting are two different things. You could have pushed to save Thessia, but you chose to save Palaven. My world isn't just overrun by the Reapers, it's gone. Even total victory won't change that."

"I did what I could, Liara. I will carry the guilt that Thessia is gone for the rest of my life, but I did what I could. I risked Tuchanka, hell I even risked Rannoch because I knew we couldn't protect them all."

"But you made it clear you believed Rannoch and Tuchanka would survive. Did you ever doubt the Reapers would destroy Thessia?"

While she had framed that as a question, Shepard recognized she already knew the answer. The next question she asked was inevitable. "Shepard, did the information I shared with you about Indoctrination and Asari mating influence the decision to send forces to Palaven, to let Thessia die?"

Her voice was calm, too calm for the emotional energy he knew lay behind that question. Shepard realized he had to be extremely careful about his response. He had gotten a hint of the grief and anger that lay beneath the façade of forced calm Liara had erected. She had lashed out at Javik after the Reapers invaded Thessia for failing to save the galaxy during the Prothean cycle. Liara might very well have attacked Javik had he not intervened. She had placed that same expectation on Shepard and he had failed her more spectacularly than Javik had. If she suddenly decided to attack him there was no one else here but Tali, and he wasn't even sure at this point that she would want to stop Liara.

"Liara, I have tried to treat the information you shared with me with the utmost respect. Of course it was in my mind as I tried to make the best decision I could. Did it have some influence on my decision? I don't honestly know for certain. I did my best to set that knowledge aside and make my recommendation based on the strategic situation. I do believe that I would have made the same decision had you never revealed that information to me."

Shepard could see Liara struggling with the conflict between her heart and her head. Her body quivered with her pent up emotion and Shepard thought for a moment he saw a bluish flicker forming around her fists. He held his breath, not sure what to do if she did attack him. Then, the moment passed. Liara sagged, sinking into the chair next to her and putting her face in her hands. Her tears broke through, flowing freely. She rocked slightly, sucking in a breath, and whispered, "Goddess, Shepard. You were supposed to save us. You were supposed to save us all. I know that's not fair, but part of me believed it. Now with Thessia destroyed I want to tear this room apart and you with it. Even though I know that's not fair. Even though I know you made the best decision you could. A rational choice for an irrational universe."

Shepard reached out to touch her shoulder. "You can still help your people, Liara. Keep helping the refugees who made it off Thessia. You have been doing incredible work…"

Liara shot up out of the chair, her anger visibly flaring again. "NO! NO, Shepard! You can't fix this with words. You can't take away my anger and make me all better. This loss hurts. And it's going to hurt for a long while." Liara paused to slow her breathing and regain control. "I came to say goodbye, Shepard. I owed it to the crew of the Normandy to be here for this. Now I'm going to go and do what I can for my people. I need to work through everything that's happened and I don't know how long that will take. I may not see you again and after everything we've been through I thought I should at least say goodbye."

Shepard wanted to hug her. To say the words, whatever they were, that would fix things between them. That would make her smile again. But she was right. He was always trying to fix everyone and everything. He realized that now. He couldn't fix this and she didn't want him to. Her anger was her launching pad to whatever came next, and it didn't include him. He wanted her to stay. To accept his explanations and logic. But he also realized the main reason he wanted this was to assuage his own guilt. Rather than try to cajole her into staying he did the best thing he could for her. He let her go.

"All right, Liara. You have been more important to me than I can possibly say and though it means little, I am truly sorry for what has happened. Please take care of yourself." He wanted to add that he would be there if she needed anything, but was concerned it would feel like he was trying to maintain a connection that she wanted to step away from. He extended his hand for a simple handshake and she took it. Probably as positive a sign as he could hope for at the moment.

"Goodbye, Shepard. I hope the Goddess will watch over you whatever you decide regarding the Crucible." Liara broke the handshake and walked past the bulkhead and out of sight without looking back. Shepard wiped tears from his own eyes. Liara clearly knew what he might be facing with the Crucible, but she was making a clean break and the message was clear. His decision was his, just as it had been regarding Thessia. Shepard felt the loss of Liara keenly given their past history and hoped she might someday forgive him.

As Shepard stood struggling with the emotions his conversation with Liara had churned up, Tali rounded the corner and paused. She stood, wringing her hands and shifting from foot to foot. Shepard felt a surge of his own nervousness. The conversation with Liara had been more painful than he would have imagined. Now the woman he loved, whose newly won home world he had placed at risk, was standing before him. Though it had been only hours it felt like an eternity since they had gone their separate ways on the landing pad. Now she was here on the heels of his confrontation with Liara and Shepard was more than half convinced she was about to metaphorically, maybe even literally, rip out his heart. So many people had come to hate him in such a short time, it had started to feel inevitable. Tali stepped toward him and he braced himself for the worst.

To his great surprise Tali didn't say a word. She just stepped into him and wrapped her arms around him, holding him tightly. Shepard was so shocked he just stood there for several seconds with his arms hanging limp, afraid she would recoil if he returned the embrace. Slowly, he raised his arms and wrapped her in an embrace of his own, holding her more and more tightly, his body quivering with adrenaline as relief replaced fear. The tears that had started with Liara's departure flowed more freely with that relief.

They stood there several more seconds, holding each other. Shepard was afraid to speak, afraid to break the moment. Finally, he heard Tali speaking softly to him, her voice strained with emotion. "I'm so sorry, Shepard. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have pulled away. I'm so sorry."

Shepard continued to hold tightly to Tali, afraid she might be torn away from him by fate, by the Reapers, by an uncaring universe. "I was so afraid I'd lost you, Tali. I didn't know what you were going to say, if you still wanted to be with me. I'm so sorry I placed Rannoch at risk. Can you forgive me?"

Tali leaned back and placed a finger against Shepard's lips to quiet him. "Shh, Shepard. I shouldn't have made you think you needed my forgiveness. I was angry at you after you insisted on not defending Rannoch. I thought you should have put it first, protected the Quarians and the Geth. I felt pushed into agreeing that we would send most of our ships to defend Palaven. I felt like you were using your knowledge of the Quarians to get us to do what you wanted. But hearing Liara attack you and blame you for not choosing to save Thessia, I realized that her words could have been mine, that I wanted you to make an emotional choice rather than a logical one. That I had hoped that our relationship and your connection to the Quarians would result in you choosing to defend Rannoch even if that wasn't the best choice. You refused to take the easy route, if there even was one. You made the choice that you believed was best for the galaxy rather than the one that was easiest for you. You were selfless, Shepard, even though you knew you could lose everything you cared about. On the migrant fleet we were taught to be selfless to protect our people as a whole. You've been acting more Quarian than any of us and being attacked and reviled for it. No more. Not from me, not from the Quarians. I love you, John. I'm here for you, whatever comes next."

Shepard's relief had grown with each moment and he was genuinely smiling for the first time in a long while as Tali finished. He desperately wanted to kiss her, but settled for placing his forehead against her helmet. "Tali, that means more to me than anything else. I love you and I value the Quarians and Geth. I am grateful that it worked out as it did. I'm glad you can forgive me." Shepard chose not to think about how this conversation might have gone had Rannoch been destroyed.

"As I said, there's nothing to forgive. I was the one being petulant. You made the best decision you could and now we're on the verge of defeating the Reapers, or at least coming as close as possible." Tali shifted her stance, taking Shepard by his upper arms and meeting his eyes. "I know about the Crucible plan, Shepard. I know what you're being pushed toward. Neither the Quarians nor the Geth want you dead. You are too valuable to the galaxy, too valuable to me, to throw your life away."

"It's good to hear that from you, Tali. That means more than I can say. But I also understand what Admiral Hackett meant. Even in victory, we can still defeat ourselves. We have to remain united in our preparations for dealing with the remaining Reaper threat. Even if we deliver the blow we hope for at the Kite's Nest, there are still Reaper forces scattered throughout the galaxy. There are still indoctrinated agents who will be an ongoing threat. There's still the Reaper fleet in dark space. We have to hold together, especially in victory. I've become a flash point, for the Asari, Krogan, and Batarians, but also because of the stature I've attained. Garrus was right, I'm not a leader, I'm a legend."

Tali clearly didn't like what she was hearing. "You made yourself a flash point, Shepard. When the Krogan needed a target for their anger, you gave them one. You want the Asari to blame you. You're still holding this whole thing together. I say enough. You've given enough. If they want you gone, then come with me. Come to Rannoch. Help us rebuild our world."

Go to live with the woman he loved and reclaim a beautiful world or fly to a guaranteed death striking at the Reapers. It seemed like it should have been an easy choice, but one thing kept pulling at Shepard. "Tali, I can't think of anything I'd rather do than join you on Rannoch, be with you, but so many I've sent out to fight won't ever have that choice. I feel like it's my duty to finish this fight personally. To give everything to ensure the Reaper's defeat in all our names."

Tali pulled Shepard down to where she could look him squarely in the eyes and used a human expletive she had become fond of. "That's bullshit, Shepard. You've always thought you had to give more and fight harder than anyone else. You're too much like Ashley in that regard, and you're trying to meet the same end. There's a part of you that wants to be a martyr. I'm with Garrus on this one. Screw the glorious death and come with me. You won't be a Commander anymore and I won't be an Admiral anymore, since we overrode the Conclave."

"Were you listening in on all my conversations?"

"This helmet isn't just for looks, Shepard. I have very good auditory amplifiers and I'm not going to apologize for using them. Not in this case."

Shepard did smile, just a bit. "Even now, Tali, I can't help but feel better when I'm with you. I so much want to just say yes, to come with you right now, to walk away. But I have to think this through. I appreciate everything you've said, but the decision has to be mine."

"Then just come with me now back to the hospital. I'm sure they have a clean room we can use. We can have time together."

Shepard swallowed hard. The temptation to go with Tali, to be with her was overwhelming. It took every bit of his willpower to respond as he did. "I want to go with you more than anything, Tali, but I need to think this through and to do that I need to be alone. If I'm with you all my other thoughts will go out the window."

"I'm not above cheating, John. Not in this case." Tali paused stepped back from Shepard, keeping hold of his hands. "I will respect whatever you choose, John, but I want to be with you. I'll go back to the hospital and wait for your decision." She released his hands and turned and walked away, exaggerating the sway of her shapely hips for his benefit. Shepard's body couldn't help but react even as he struggled to keep his thoughts under control.

Shepard waited until he heard the emergency exit hatch close before turning back and leaning on the table in thought. He stood that way in contemplation for several seconds before hearing the sound of movement from the direction she had gone. Shepard turned at the noise.

"Tali, I said I needed to think this through on my own…" Shepard realized it was not Tali returning as he had thought. He turned to find Javik standing by the bulkhead. He must have entered the ship as Tali departed. "Javik. I'm sorry, the memorial ceremony is done. I wish you had been able to be there."

"I am not your Quarian inamorata, Commander. And while you have been an honorable ally, this is not my ship or crew. I merely came to see what you had decided regarding the Crucible plan", Javik stated bluntly.

Did everyone know about the top secret plan to deliver the Crucible as a bomb to the Reapers? Garrus was advisor to the Primarch, Tali was a Quarian Admiral, Liara was the Shadow Broker. He wasn't surprised they knew the plan. "How do you know what is being planned with the Crucible, Javik?"

"I know because I am not an ignorant primitive. There are numerous technicians working on the Crucible to prepare it. I could sense what they were doing using my abilities. I selected a particularly promising Hanar and he could not wait to reveal details of the plan to turn the Crucible into a bomb to an Enkindler. Other military staff could not wait to meet the last Prothean who fought in the Council chamber. A handshake and I knew all I needed. So, what have you decided to do, Commander?"

"I don't know, Javik. I am trying to decide."

"Then you are a fool, Commander. To die delivering a final blow to the Reapers is the best death one could achieve, but I am the Avatar of Vengeance. You need an organic to deliver this blow and I will be that organic. There is no purpose in your death other than to serve the selfish desires of your leaders. Leaders who fear you, who see you as a dangerous weapon to be used and discarded, who wish you out of the way though they do not fully realize their own motivations."

"What? Javik, I can't ask you to do that. It's my responsibility…"

"That was not a request, Commander. It was my intention to return to the Cronian Nebula to lay the spirits of my fallen crew to rest, then end my own life. They will rest much easier, as will I, if I am the one to deliver this blow to the Reapers. I will be aboard the Crucible. Your presence would be unnecessary and a waste."

"But this is my cycle. And my leaders want an organic to deliver this blow. I can't help but feel a responsibility to take that burden."

"Why? Why do you accept the leadership of those who are your tactical and strategic inferiors? They have always feared your strength. Have you ever been promoted for all the sacrifices you've made? For the lives you've saved and a victory you made possible? No, because they feared making you even more powerful. If you will not rise to command them, then by giving them everything you owe them nothing. Least of all your life. You have alternatives, Commander, I would suggest you remember that."

"I need to consider the possible impact my life or death would have on any future war effort, Javik. Keeping the Asari and Krogan working with Humanity and the Quarians and the Geth. Not to mention the Batarians that are left."

"You finally begin to see the benefit of an empire such as we once held, Commander. None of this would be an issue if you simply followed our example. I can see I will find no answer here, but mark my words, Commander, I will be aboard the Crucible when it strikes the Kite's Nest." Javik turned from Shepard and walked toward the exit hatch before pausing and turned back to Shepard. "I do somewhat regret the necessity of destroying the Kite's Nest. The Batarians were by far the most attractive of the primitive species I have encountered during this cycle."

Shepard watched Javik depart, his mind turning over the various arguments he had heard. He had little time to resolve the conflict going on in his mind and heart. Hackett needed his answer. He had no doubt there were any number of volunteers to deliver the Crucible to the Reapers, he had just talked with one, but that thought made him feel more obligated, not less, to take the Crucible to the Kite's Nest himself. Letting someone die in his place went against every fiber of his being. Shepard realized Tali was right. He did share some traits with Ashley. He liked to believe he could hold on to the best traits of each of his crew. Ashley's courage, Javik's unflinching honesty, Samara's determination, Liara's intelligence and focus, Zaeed's pragmatism, Garrus' loyalty, Wrex's and Grunt's strength and steadfastness, Kaidan's professionalism and supportiveness, Miranda's confidence, Jacob's sense of honor, Kasumi's cleverness, Jack's stubbornness and resilience, James' easy camaraderie, Thane's spirituality, Mordin's flair for analysis, Legion's self-sacrifice, Steve's friendliness and love of family, Samantha's adaptability and strategic mind, EDI's sense of wonder, Dr. Chakwas' empathy, and god forbid Joker's sense of humor. And Tali. Damn near everything about Tali. He liked to believe that he could hold on to and embody these traits and values, but knew he was probably lying to himself.

Shepard rose from the mess table and looked around at the Normandy. He hoped he could hold on to one final trait, to be a safe haven for those in need. He considered the words of his dearest friends and came to a decision. He turned and strode toward the exit with purpose.

**Author's note: The next chapter has been planned to be the last. I hope to bring things to a satisfying conclusion.