Chapter 12
"Ghosts"
Part IV
1.
Alyssa shot upright in her bed, emerald eyes wide and a thin, glistening sheen of sweat coating her entire body. For a moment it was difficult to breathe – Shepard was gasping for each breath – and she was shaking uncontrollably. Her fingers were wrapped around the blanket at her sides so tightly she thought she might draw blood. Violent imagery was flashing before her mind's eye so quickly it was hard to keep up. It reminded her a little of what she had seen after her altercation with the Prothean beacon. Everything was happening so quickly she was starting to get a little nauseous. All around her people were shouting and dying, many at her own hand and Liara…
Did I really kill her? Maybe it was a dream, but that thought did little to comfort Alyssa. I shot her, right between those eyes I used to get lost in for hours. Why am I having such a fucking hard time remembering what happened? Much as she'd rather have simply closed off the memories and be done with them, Alyssa tried desperately to recall her night terror. I was on Torfan. It's always Torfan. Or Mindoir. Both had been defining moments. Moments that helped mold me into the fine upstanding citizen I am today. Alyssa's thoughts were laced with irony, bitterness, and regret. Seven years already, she thought, gently rubbing her forehead to try and quell the headache on the horizon.
Alyssa was still a little shaky when she struggled to her feet. She stood there for a moment, arms out in an attempt to maintain her balance. This is worse than any hangover I've ever had. "It was just a dream," she repeated the statement, her new mantra, several times as she made her way past the aquarium, up the stairs – The railing's there for a reason dumbass, she chided herself as she nearly fell on her face – and into her bathroom. Congratulations. At great effort, you've successfully navigated your cabin. The Collectors don't stand a chance!
Standing in front of the mirror, the sink factoring largely into how she remained on her feet with her wobbly legs, she ran warm water from the faucet. Just why the hell was Liara on Torfan? I've relived that day countless times. She was never there before. As the water pooled in her cupped palms, she did her best not to think too much about Kaylee Reyes, the other person who figured heavily in her remembrances.
As she splashed her face with warm water, her memories began to take shape. It wasn't Liara. It looked like her and it sounded like her but it was… her thoughts paused as she splashed her face again, searching for the right word. It was a ghost. She represented everything I hate about myself. Alyssa shook her head. Son of a bitch am I really so fucked up my own subconscious is trying to kill me? She thought about it for a moment as she toweled her face off. No. Actually that seems about right. She nodded inwardly, placing the towel back on the rack and shutting the water off. Everybody else in the galaxy seems to want me dead, why should I miss out on the fun?
Looking at her own reflection in the mirror, Alyssa couldn't help but notice how out of place even her own damned face looked. Is that really even me? The scars that had seen her through her battle with Saren and Sovereign were gone, taken from her by whatever process Cerberus had used to revive her. What else did that process take from me?
In their place that same process left a string of gently glowing scars around the perimeter of her face, most evident on her cheeks. And what the hell is going on with my eyes? There were small dots on the irises. Like her scars, they were possessed of an eerie red glow.
Alyssa gently ran the tip of her finger along one of the scars. Just what the hell am I? Am I still Alyssa Shepard, because she sure as hell didn't glow through the cracks on her skin. Just what is my own body hiding from me? Do I really want to know, need to know? Maybe it doesn't matter who I am, whether I'm still her or not. I'm going to stop the Collectors. I can still be humanity's salvation. Right?
Alyssa pulled her fingers away, morbid curiosity turning into something a little more frightening. Can it really be that easy? Just cast all my reservations aside and go forward with the mission? I've done it before. Thoughts of Batarian pirates played across her mind's eye. Alyssa took a deep breath. Maybe, at least for now, I can. It'll come back eventually, it always does. The soldier tried very hard not to think about the breakdown she'd had before her assignment to the Normandy. At least she'd been able to keep that to herself. That had been another dark chapter in her life. Maybe I can keep it at bay until the Collectors have paid for what they've done though. It's the only option I have, the only option humanity has.
By now Alyssa was standing near her desk, body still shivering a little, clad only in the drenched black sports bra and matching briefs she'd fallen asleep in. This would be so much easier if you were here with me. Her attention was on the photograph of Liara. Where precisely Cerberus had acquired it she couldn't guess, but she was glad they had. I just want you to hold me in your arms and tell me everything's gonna be okay. Wouldn't even care if you were lying. Instead I've been stuck with that bitch of a ghost, undermining everything I do. Alyssa would never admit her longing to anybody, lest she risk damaging her tough as nails image, but she wanted to see and feel her lover more than anything. It's probably too much to ask. Alysa picked up the phot and held it closer to her face.
Two years, at least for you. I'm sure you've moved on. Someone like you probably has suitors lined up twice around the block. Her fingers held the image tighter, so tight Alyssa worried she might break the glass. Even if you haven't, I guess you're working for the Shadow Broker now. Least that's what The Illusive Man said. You've got your own life going on now, and I doubt there's room for a relic like me in it.
She set the picture back down carefully, suddenly overcome by a case of the watery eye and the sniffles. Dammit! I'm not going to cry. She angrily wiped the moisture from her eyes. How is this even remotely fair. You get two years and I'm supposed to get over you just like that? Taking a deep breath, she collected herself enough to hold back the tears. For me it's been two weeks! Two weeks since I looked into your eyes. Where's the justice? And now you have the gall to make me cry? Fuck you! Alyssa took a moment, exhaled deeply and headed toward the shower. I can deal with you later. Right now I need to stay focused on the mission.
2.
An hour and a shower later, Alyssa strode confidently into the Normandy's med-bay. There'd been no sign of Liara's ghost since the dream. Hopefully she'd seen that last of it. Now that she'd had time to come to grips with it, the memory of Torfan reenergized her. Alyssa had been reminded of exactly what she was capable of and what she could accomplish if she put her mind to it. We will stop the Collectors and the Reapers at any cost. For the moment at least, she had shed her doubts and insecurities. Still, there was one thing on her mind, one thing that she couldn't quite shake. Yeoman Kelly Chambers.
Doc Chakwas was sitting at her desk, enjoying her breakfast while she watched the activity in the mess through her window. As Alyssa approached she turned in her chair, lancing upward at the younger woman. She finished chewing a bite of whatever it was Gardner had prepared for her, and wiped her lips with a napkin, setting the fork down carefully on the desk.
"Commander. I hadn't expected you in so early." The doc pushed her chair back and stood up, her deep blue eyes focused on Alyssa's recent injury. "How's the leg holding up? Any pain, or anything else you feel I should be made aware of?"
"Nothing I can't handle Doc. Honestly barely even feel it anymore." Alyssa made a show of wiggling her leg a little to demonstrate. The pain of her wound had eased considerably over the last day or so. Until Chakwas brought it up she had all but forgotten about it. I'll never forget why it happened though, she thought solemnly. Not for as long as I live.
"I should probably take a look all the same Commander." She started toward one of the examination tables back by the AI Core. "If you wouldn't mind having a seat?" The Doctor gestured toward the nearby table as she took one of the small, hand-held diagnostic tools from its space along the nearby wall.
Alyssa tried to protest. Her leg had nothing to do with why she was here this morning. "The leg's fine do –"
"Now Commander," Doc Chakwas cut her off, "I'm reasonably certain that I'm the one with the medical degree. Now please." She gestured emphatically at the table, "have a seat."
In the Alliance Navy a ship's doctor was the one individual onboard with enough power to overrule a captain's decision. I don't know how they play things in Cerberus but I'll be damned if I'm going to let somebody order me around on my own damn ship!
"Yes ma'am." Alyssa bowed her head and walked slowly over to the table, and obediently sat down, avoiding the Doc's gaze the whole time. It's those eyes, she thought, admitting defeat. They remind me of my mom, and I could never say no to her. "If anybody asks, I fought tooth and nail," Alyssa said softly, her eyes pleading with the Doctor when she looked up.
"If anybody asks, it took three strong men to get you onto that table Commander," she agreed, leaning in conspiratorially. Her voice was a whisper as she began checking the leg.
"Well… okay then," Alyssa relented. "Good." She nodded.
As the Doctor examined her, Alyssa's mind began to wander a little. If the ghost was just a piece of my messed up psyche, than I have to accept that there was truth, no matter how mangled or twisted it might have been, buried in the things she said. Does that mean I'm interested in Kelly? Liara kept on mentioning it. Was I just trying to tell myself I'm attracted to the girl? Sure, she's beautiful. Miranda's beautiful too so what? I've barely known her two weeks, could there really be something more there?
"The wound is healing nicely Commander. Another day or so and your leg should be back to full capacity."
"You do good work Doctor." Alyssa stood up.
"I just wish you'd let me do something about your facial scarring." The thin woman put the scanner away and ran a hand through her short, gray hair. "With the right equipment I'm certain we could heal the facial tissue completely." Karin walked back over to her chair and sat down. Shaking her head, she continued, "This new Normandy may be state of the art in many ways, but there have been a lot of medical advancements these last two years, and the equipment I'm working with is barely beyond what we had in our fight against Sovereign." The frustration in her voice was not lost on Alyssa.
Again, she thought about the scarring on her face, unconsciously placing a hand on her left cheek. She could feel the cracks in her skin. The thought of having them removed held some appeal, but it was way down on a list of priorities that Alyssa was already having trouble keeping track of.
"It's enough to get the job done Doctor. Beggars can't be choosers."
"No argument here Commander." The tone of her voice told Alyssa there absolutely was an argument to be had here, but for whatever reason she was going to let this slide. Maybe it was just too early in the morning, or maybe she wanted to finish her breakfast first. Regardless of the Doctor's reasons, she was grateful. In truth she was frustrated by some of the corners their benefactors had cut in building the Normandy as well, but at least she had a ship.
"They can't all be leather seats." Shepard's comment was quiet as she thought back to something Joker had said the other day.
"Hmm?"
"Nothing Doctor." Alyssa shook her head. She crossed her arms over her chest and took a deep breath. "There's a reason I stopped by this morning." Best to just get it out of the way. "About the tests you ran yesterday…"
"Ah, of course." Doctor Chakwas set her fork back down. "I haven't had the opportunity to check the results yet, but they should be ready. I can pull them up if you'll give me a moment Commander." She turned toward her computer terminal.
"Don't." Alyssa shook her head.
The doctor turned toward her, a rather surprised expression on her normally calm and impassive face. "Are you certain Commander. When you came in the other day this seemed rather important to you."
"I'm sure," Alyssa nodded resolutely. She'd been thinking long and hard on the issue since the moment she woke up. "Right now, our number one priority is stopping the Collectors from abducting anymore human colonists. Once we've succeeded, there'll be plenty of time to consider my own circumstances. For the time being I need to keep my mind on the task at hand. Ultimately, until we stop those bastards from harvesting human colonies, it doesn't matter who or what I am." She found herself thinking about the Batarians and her vendetta. This was starting to feel a lot like that. Commander Shepard took a long, calming breath. "Save the results and we'll look at them together after we return from the Omega IV Relay."
"I must say your sudden change of attitude is surprising Commander Shepard." She could feel Karin's eyes scrutinizing her. Considering how close they'd been two years ago, it was a little unnerving, but what could she do.
"I'm full of surprises Doc. That's why I always win." Alyssa forced a smile.
"Very well Commander," Chakwas said in a tone of voice that clearly said all was not very well, but she was in no mood to argue about it just now. A questioning sigh escaped her lips. "I'll save the results from your scan in the Normandy's computer.
"Thank you Doctor," Shepard nodded and turned toward the door. "Now it's time to surprise somebody else," she said quietly as she left the med-bay. Entering the mess, taking in the aroma of what Gardner often referred to as food, her stomach began to rumble. How long's it been since I've had a bite, she wondered as she made her way toward the counter.
Mess Sergeant Rupert Gardner was manning the kitchen, the back of his balding head facing toward her. It looked as though he was cooking something, but based on the strange collection of smells coming from the stove, Alyssa had absolutely no idea what that might be, nor did she care to find out. A moment passed in silence before he turned to face her.
"Commander Shepard! What can I get you?" His voice was bursting with enthusiasm and there was a welcoming smile on his face. He gestured back toward the mysterious contents of the frying pan. "Would you like to try the –"
"No!" she cut him off abruptly, putting a hand up to stop him and then realized just how she must have sounded. "No," she repeated, a little more calmly this time. "Just a bowl of oatmeal will be fine Sergeant," she offered a somewhat awkward smile, and nodded. "Just oatmeal."
"You're missing out Commander," he shook his head. Even Gardner knew that his food had developed something of a reputation aboard the Normandy. It wasn't for lack of trying, he was probably an excellent cook – at least reasonably good, Alyssa amended the thought. Like Doc Chakwas, Cerberus had only given him the minimum resources he needed to keep the crew fed. She vowed to have a discussion with T.I.M. about it the next time they spoke. If he wanted the best out of them, he would have to give the best.
"Just the oatmeal," she repeated for a third time.
The ornery man grunted. "Suit yourself Commander."
Waiting for her breakfast, tuning out the conversations happening around her, Alyssa thought back to the first time she met Kelly. She'd been in an extremely bad mood – who could honestly blame her though given everything that had happened – and she'd taken it out on the poor yeoman. Just one more time I let my temper get the better of me. I treated the poor girl like shit. Alyssa regretted it immediately. Kelly seemed to have forgiven her. Later they'd talked, and Shepard had confessed to her what had really happened on Bekenstein. She could almost still feel the warmth of the younger girl's hand on her own. Had it been a show of compassion, or was Kelly Chambers interested in her as well?
A few moments later, he handed her a white bowl filled with steaming hot oatmeal. Alyssa held it in the palm of her hand and took a spoon from the counter. As she started eating, blowing on the first spoonful or two but still burning the roof of her mouth, Alyssa turned her attention toward the rest of the mess. Watching the crew interact, watching them talk, laugh, and eat together, she could almost imagine she was back aboard the Normandy. The real Normandy. These people – her people, she reminded herself – were forging a bond. Alyssa could well remember forging that same bond with her original crew. It made her wistful and nostalgic, and it brought back the sting of what had happened to her first ship, and several of the people onboard.
Walking carefully to avoid spilling her breakfast, Alyssa made her way toward the other side of the crew deck, toward Miranda's office. Every few steps she took another bite, savoring the taste. The crew could say what they wanted about Gardner but the man knew how to heat up a bowl of oatmeal. It reminded her of her youth. Alyssa stopped that line of thought. It wasn't a road she cared to travel just now.
She tapped Miranda's buzzer with the handle of her spoon and the door slid open.
Alyssa found Miranda sitting on her couch, leaning back against the arm with her eyes turned toward the window. Brushing a long strand of coal-black hair away from her dark blue eye, the Cerberus operative looked up. "Shepard." Her greeting was curt and to the point, much like the woman herself. Alyssa knew she was as much to blame for the chill between them as Miranda was. Neither had exactly made a pleasant first impression.
Alyssa swallowed another spoonful, holding the bowl up to her chin before she spoke. "We'll be arriving at Omega shortly." She took another quick bite. "Anything you can tell me about this place?"
Miranda seemed genuinely surprised that Alyssa Shepard might want her opinion, but she managed to recover quickly. "It's definitely not the Citadel Shepard…" She seemed a little distracted and Alyssa realized it was her breakfast.
"Sorry," she said, taking one more bite. She set the bowl down on the desk. "Please, continue."
The other woman sat upright. "As I was saying, Omega started out as a mining station Shepard. It's since become a base of operations for several mercenary groups as well as a gathering place for pirates and smugglers. You're not likely to find many allies among the locals. Our last Intel reports place the Professor in one of the residential areas running a clinic for the local population, but we have no idea where Archangel might be." She paused, crossing her legs and resting a hand on her knee. "Given his nature, locating him might entail additions risks. I advised caution. You should go in prepared to defend yourself Commander."
"You and Jacob are coming with me." Alyssa leaned back against the desk, using her hands for support.
"Commander?" Even Miranda couldn't hide the shock in her voice.
"Is that a problem Miranda? You're both powerful biotics, I'd like that in my corner." Shepard tilted her head slightly, awaiting her XO's answer.
"No. Not at all Shepard." Miranda ran a hand through her flawless hair. "I'm just a little surprised that you'd ask me to accompany you. We don't exactly see eye to eye on… well, anything." She stood up. "Of course I'm ready to accompany you."
Alyssa sighed. Guess I can't blame her for being surprised. We need to get past this. "Look, I've been a bitch. Not gonna deny it. I've had a lot on my mind, and maybe you have too." Dammit, we've already had this conversation and I think she's picking up on my irritation. "You're part of the team though and I need to be able to count on you. If I can't, we're screwed. I can come in here time after time and tread out the same tired apology, or we can get over ourselves, put away the rulers and zip up." Another inspiring speech Alyssa. She rolled her eyes. "Fresh start. Are you in?" Alyssa extended her hand.
Miranda seemed hesitant, but relented. "Very crudely put Shepard," she paused as she took the proffered hand, gripping it tightly. She's strong for her build. "But I'm in."
Time for the standard disclaimer I suppose. "I'm not going to pretend to like Cerberus Miranda, and I'm sure as hell not going to pretend I agree with your methods." Hypocritical much Alyssa? "But I think we can both wait until the Collectors have been stopped to settle any grudges." Hopefully we won't have to have this conversation a third time.
"I can respect that Commander." Was that approval in her voice? Are Miranda and I actually seeing eye to eye on something? Will miracles never cease? The operative pulled her hand back. "For what it's worth I'm glad we had this talk."
"Me too. We'll be docking in just under an hour. I'd like you and Jacob ready to mobilize the moment we arrive." Alyssa picked up her bowl and turned to leave. "Just remember," she said as she stepped through the threshold, "we do this my way. Cerberus wants me, they have to deal with my methods." And God help them and anybody who gets in my way.
"Of course Commander. That's all we've wanted from the beginning," Miranda's voice seemed hopeful.
No, I don't think it is. But it's exactly what you're going to get. "Good." Shepard brought a spoonful of oatmeal to her lips and was disappointed to find it had cooled.
And what if I am interested in Kelly? Is that so wrong? Alyssa considered the point for a moment. Maybe. Even if I could work things out with Liara, I don't even know where to begin looking for her. Even the Illusive Man didn't seem sure about her whereabouts and he seems to know everything. A lot more than he should anyway. Does she even know I'm alive? Would it matter to her? No. It's over. It has to be, right?
She brought the bowl back to the mess and set it down on the counter. Gardner was nowhere to be found. Probably a leaky faucet somewhere on the ship, she thought. Kelly's a young, beautiful woman. Don't even get me started on those ocean blue eyes or that flame-colored hair. How much do I really know about her though. The girl has more compassion than I've any right to, and she's always so positive. Even after I ripped her ass, she was still willing to listen to me. They're all admirable qualities, but what makes Kelly tick?
Alyssa stepped into the elevator and keyed in the CIC. Am I really letting Liara go so easily? Was what we had really so fragile? Did I actually love her? It was a question Alyssa had been struggling with for several days now. Without realizing it, her toes began to rapidly tap the floor as the lift ascended. The situation was dire. We knew we could die any time. Was it really love, or was it just fear and longing to belong to somebody?
3.
Kelly was at her station by the time the Normandy docked with Omega. The yeoman was glancing over the dossiers of the three individuals they were looking for here, checking one more time for any information that might be relevant. It bothered her a little, with everything Cerberus was capable of, certain individuals could still hide so effectively. Solas would be fairly easy to locate, Massani would be ready to meet them upon arrival, but what of Archangel? They knew he was a Turian sniper but they had no idea where on the station they'd find him or even anything about who he really was. Kelly didn't like the idea of sending Commander Shepard into an unknown, potentially dangerous situation and, though there was nothing else she could really do, the young woman still felt a little responsible.
Alyssa Shepard was more than capable of taking care of herself but, particularly after the near tragedy on Bekenstein, Kelly worried. The mission, she believed with all her heart, would fail without Shepard here to lead it and, on a more personal level, she wasn't sure how she'd handle the woman's loss. Probably not well. If only she had more information.
When she turned, Kelly was startled to see Shepard standing behind her, arms crossed over her chest. Instantly Kelly was taken back to the last time they'd spoken. The Commander had laid herself bare, confessing dark secrets from her soul as Chambers listened and, somewhere along the way, she'd taken hold of Shepard's hand. She really hadn't realized she'd even done it until Alyssa stopped talking, and she'd tried to pull it away before the other woman noticed, but was less than successful.
Her heart began to pound faster, her thoughts racing at a million lightyears a minute. Kelly felt her face begin to flush and took a deep breath, hoping to settle her carefully controlled chaos down a little. It was probably time to clear the air a little.
"Earlier when we spoke you were very open with me. I like that." She paused briefly, choosing her words carefully. Best not to come on too strong here. The last thing she wanted was to make things uncomfortable between the two of them. She thought about what Jacob had said about work place romances. "But I hope I didn't come across as too flirty. I don't want to overstep my bounds." Somehow, despite the rolling sea of emotion within, Kelly managed to maintain her calm outer appearance.
"You're very charming Kelly." Shepard tilted her head slightly and there was just the hint of a smile. Did that mean what Kelly thought, what she hoped it meant? Was Commander Shepard opening the door to something more, or was she just being kind. Kelly knew which answer she wanted, but it was still difficult to tell.
Quickly looking around to make sure nobody else was nearby, Kelly continued. "Thank you. The feeling's mutual Commander." She paused for a fraction of a second to gauge Shepard's response, but it seemed impassive, still difficult to determine the other woman's intent. She would have to pay careful attention going forward. "Anyway, how can I help you Commander?
"You have a minute Kelly?"
"I always have time for you Commander." That was true enough. The universe could be exploding around me and I'd always have time for you Commander.
"Knowing what you know about everything that's going on, what you know about me, how do you feel about being assigned to the Normandy? Any concerns or misgivings?" Shepard stood there, patiently awaiting Kelly's answer, and the younger woman felt as though there was more meaning to the question, as though Shepard valued her answer on a deeper level.
Here goes, she thought. Her voice was filled with pride. "I was handpicked by the Illusive Man to help fight the greatest threat known to humanity." She took a short breath, still barely maintaining her demeanor. "How do I feel? Honored, exhilarated, terrified, but mostly I feel encouraged. Under your leadership we can't fail." Kelly wondered if that last bit hadn't been just a little much.
"Don't worry Kelly. We'll stop the Collectors." Shepard's voice was so certain, so steady that Kelly had to wonder what had happened. Alyssa Shepard had seemed distracted and bitter since her arrival and now? Now Kelly truly understood what it must have been like for the crew of the original Normandy. She could see exactly what her crew must have seen in her. It was awe inspiring. The Commander wasn't trying to reassure her, she was simply stating something she knew to be fact.
"I trust you implicitly." She tried to control herself but she couldn't keep the admiration and adoration from her voice. "From the moment I met you I knew I could close my eyes, fall back, and you'd be there." Kelly was staring now. She knew she was staring, but she couldn't stop herself.
Shepard cocked an eyebrow. "I might do more than catch you Kelly."
Kelly swooned a little, barely managing to cover it. She was not proud of it. How did she respond to that? Commander Shepard was flirting with her! It was everything she had been hoping for, everything that she'd thought impossible after their initial meeting.
"Now that's an enticing thought." Her voice was soft and she nearly got lost in that thought. Returning to her senses, she tried to cover her lapse. "Anything else you'd like to talk about?"
"Not just now Kelly, but we should talk more when I get back." With that, as suddenly as she entered the picture, Alyssa Shepard turned and walked toward the elevator. Kelly's eyes fixated on the gentle sway of the Commander's hips as she walked way, wondering if it was for her benefit or not.
"Did that really just happen?" She whispered softly as the elevator door closed.