So sorry this took me so long. My writer's block was the worst it's ever been, so I took some time off and went on a few vacations. And when I came back, work picked up. But it was worth it because I was able to finish writing this is two days. Sorry if it seems rushed but I didn't want to take the time to edit so let me know what you think. You can message me here, Ao3, or on at .com.
Ch. 14 - When You've Opened Me
As much as Lexa hated hospitals, being away from work or spending all day and night laying around like an invalid, she couldn't bring herself to entirely hate the situation in which she currently found herself. Aside from the dull pain emanating from her wounds and the constant revolving door of doctors and nurses coming in to check on her, Lexa was starting to get used to the time off. In all her years wearing a badge, she had never taken a step back unless is was made mandatory by the department. Even then, she was never completely "off-duty". She would spend hours at the gym, put in some serious practice time at the gun-range, and go over open case files she brought home from the precinct.
This time around, was way different. Being bedridden didn't provide her with too many options. It did allow her to catch up on some much-needed sleep that she didn't even realize she had been missing out on. Lexa also found herself suddenly able to get around to reading a lot of the books she had been meaning to. It wasn't a bad way to spend her days.
The true blessing, though, came when Clarke spent her breaks with her, or snuck off after her rounds to check in on her girlfriend. It had taken Lexa & Abby a few days to convince the blonde to get back to work, that since the detective was awake and in stable condition, there was no need for her to spend all day at her bedside. The deciding factor, came when her mother and girlfriend suggested that she rack up as many hours as she can. Especially given the fact that once Lexa was discharged, she would still be required to stay home on medical leave until her doctor cleared her for light duty. During which time Clarke had planned to be there with her to help her with whatever she needed.
Clarke and Abby weren't Lexa's only visitors. Her teammates would all take turns visiting each day. They'd give her a rundown of everything happening at the precinct, tell her about any funny calls that came over the radios, get her advice on how to go about a new case and even just make idle chit-chat to pass the time. Every so often, one of them would give her an update on how the trial for the Sankru's prosecution was going since she only got limited information from the news.
When Indra finally visited, Lexa had asked to speak to her alone, wanting her to explain to her just how long she had been in contact with her father. As her godmother retold the story of events that transpired after the last time she found herself in the hospital, Lexa could do nothing to stop her heartrate from rising as she reminisced to the worst moments of her childhood.
Indra took a deep breath and confessed that she and Titus had been in constant communication since the beginning. A few months after Titus left, he called his old partner, wanting to know how his daughters were doing. From there, they would correspond a few times a month and she would tell him about things such as Lexa's most recent foster home situation and Anya's latest hiccup in trying to get custody of her younger sister. Over the years, whenever either girl had an accomplishment, Titus would receive notice and have no choice but to revel in his pride alone.
Though it was hard to hear, it was something she needed to. Lexa was on the fence about how to process this new information. Wanting some time to mull it over, she asked Indra to leave her alone for the time being, to which the older woman respectfully obliged. She never meant to keep it from her as long as she did, but the older she got and the more obstacles she faces and overcame in her life, the harder it was to reopen old wounds.
Lexa finally got around to telling Anya, who was equally as pissed and her younger sister had been. After a very long and somewhat emotional talk, Anya let her know that whatever she decided to do in regard to contacting their father, she would have her back without question, just as she had their entire lives. Lexa couldn't bring herself to decide right then and there. She needed time to decide on whether or not reconnecting with the one man who was supposed to protect and nurture her, the man who shattered her trust in such a profound way, would provide her with the closure she never got or be the final straw that sent her into the downward spiral her life almost certainly should have taken. That kind of thing tends to take a while.
2 Weeks Later
Of all the challenging experiences Lexa had ever endured in her 27 years of life on this earth, this by far was the most challenging of them all. Earlier in the week, Lexa was cleared to start her physical therapy to build her strength back up and right out of the gate, she knew it was going to be a challenge. Due to the extent of her injuries and the fact that she was essentially comatose for nearly two weeks and bedridden for another six, the sessions would be pretty intense. Lexa would basically have to relearn how to walk again. Thankfully, there was no substantial nerve damage in her legs or any trauma to her spine; all she needed to do was recondition the muscles that had sat dormant in the wake of the incident.
Despite the fact that it was one of the most difficult feats she would ever have to attempt and subsequently accomplish, Lexa was the most determined she had ever been. 'The quicker you heal the quicker you get to leave' soon became her personal mantra. Two o'clock rapidly came to be her favorite time of day. The minute that clock hit the hour, Clarke came sauntering in in all her radiant beauty, ready to escort her to her sessions.
It was now 3:30 PM. Lexa's physical therapy appointment was over and Clarke was supporting most of her weight as the two of them walked down the hallway. Lexa had insisted upon it, wanting to get an extra workout and simultaneously put off going back to her room as long as possible. Every day she was getting stronger and starting to feel like her old self. There was still a bit of pain and times she felt herself growing tired quicker than she used to, but she pushed through.
"Baby, slow down." Clarke warned as she gripped onto her girlfriend's waist. She knew Lexa had to be exhausted after her session and seeing her trying to power walk down the corridor raised some concern in the young doctor. "You're not supposed to be over-exerting yourself." Lexa, ever the stubborn rebel, acted as though she didn't hear and trudged on. "Seriously, you're not in a race." Clarke tried again.
"The faster I heal up, the quicker I can get the hell out of here." Lexa recited her new tune through pants.
"Not if you re-open your wounds and cause a serious setback." Clarke halted them both in their tracks and moved to stand in front of Lexa, letting her know she was being genuine. "Look, I get it, you're going crazy laid up in that bed all day, but you're almost there. Don't wreck all that by getting too eager."
Lexa let out a deep sigh. "I'm not trying to wreck it, I'm just trying to expedite the process. But I'm being careful."
"What can I do to help?" Clarke asked sweetly.
"Find me a time machine." Lexa replied with a hint of bitterness in her tone. After a moment silence, she tried to laugh it off awkwardly, but Clarke didn't budge. "I'm sorry." She rebounded.
"It's fine." Clarke reassured her. "You're fine. But talk to me. I know this isn't easy and you've been putting on a brave face, but you know you can tell me anything. So, tell me… what's going on up here?" She brought her hand up and softly caressed Lexa's head.
Lexa found herself leaning in to the touch, finding comfort in the action. Taking a deep breath, she shook her head before looking Clarke in the eye and confessed. "I'm still just trying to wrap my head around all of this and figure out what I'm feeling. I hate that I got taken down by some idiot who probably never even shot a gun before that day, I hate that I haven't seen my bed in I don't even know how long. I hate that I'm angry over something I had no control over and most importantly… I hate that I'm forced to use my incredibly gorgeous and supportive girlfriend as a walker just to get up and down this damn hallway."
Clarke ran her hands up and down Lexa's arms and allowed herself to smile slightly. "Well, your 'incredibly gorgeous and supportive girlfriend', just wants you to be okay. No matter how long that takes."
And there it was, yet again. Regardless of the circumstance, in spite of the situation, Clarke never failed to remind Lexa that she was in this for the long haul. She proved time and time again that she was committed. This was an act of love. Unconditional and irrevocable love. It was then that Lexa realized why Clarke had yet to profess as such and why she wouldn't. Not yet. Knowing everything Lexa had been through in her life, she would wait as long as it took for her to be ready to hear it. And it was that precise reason that Lexa knew the time was long since due that she needed to tell her. Soon.
The Next Day
Lexa sat up in her bed, having read the same sentence for the umpteenth time in a row and still had no idea what it said. It had nothing to do with her understanding, but everything to do with what's been weighing heavily in her head since the second she woke up and first saw those gorgeous blue eyes that belonged to the most amazing woman in her life. She couldn't get those three words to stop dancing across her mind, taunting her to finally say them.
As she set the book down, giving up on pretending to read and rubbed her eyes, a knock on her door caught her attention.
"Lexa." Came the familiar voice of her department assigned psychologist as she stepped through the door and approached her bedside.
"Dr. Pramheda. Hi." Lexa replied, sitting up a bit straighter.
"Please, call me Alie. I'm glad to see you're doing much better. I couldn't believe it when I heard about what happened to you. How have you been doing since all this?"
"Is that why you're here?" Lexa asked. "In a professional capacity?"
Alie grinned and gave a slight nod. Lexa was by far more astute than any other patient she'd had. "The department thought you would benefit from a few sessions during your medical furlough. Mandatory, I'm afraid."
"That's fine. I totally get it. You want to start now?"
"Only if you're up for it." Alie offered.
"Sure." Lexa said, motioning with her hand for Alie to take a seat in the chair closest to the bed, usually earmarked for Clarke.
"How are you feeling?" The doctor asked as she sat.
"Physically, I'm still pretty weak. But, I finally got cleared to start physical therapy a few days ago."
"I can imagine that's been incredibly taxing, given the extent of your injuries."
Lexa nodded. "Yeah. But I've come to realize that I have an amazing support system."
"Did you doubt that before?" Alie asked genuinely curious.
Lexa thought on it for a moment. "To tell you the truth, I don't think I ever really thought about it."
"Why not? You've been a cop a while. Your division, especially, has you dealing with the more drastic criminal situations. Surely the idea of you being seriously injured has crossed your mind at least once."
"Not really." Lexa was being completely honest. Never had she once entertained the idea that something horrible could potentially befall her.
"Well, then." Alie pressed on. "What about emotionally? How are you feeling?"
It was several seconds before Lexa responded, using that time to wrack her brain for the answer to a question she had been asking herself daily. "I'm not sure. Hell, I don't even think I know how I'm supposed to feel."
"Why don't you tell me what was going through your head immediately after you were shot."
Once again, Lexa didn't answer right away. She thought on it, thought long and hard. She took herself back to that day, that moment that changed everything. Closing her eyes, and letting it all wash over her, she vocalized every sensation she could articulate. "…anger… confusion… fear."
"You were scared?" Alie jumped in, honing in on that last word.
"I was terrified." Lexa admitted, opening her eyes once again.
"Of?" She asked. Taking in the blank expression across the detective's face, she knew Lexa didn't know how to answer, so she pushed. "Death?"
Lexa slowly shook her head. "Not exactly." Alie waited her out, staying quiet to let her work it out on her own. "I was afraid… I was afraid that I would die and leave behind some unfinished business."
"What unfinished business?"
Lexa took a deep breath, preparing herself in every way possible to disclose what she never spoke to anyone. Though tears threatened her eyes, though her heartrate slowly began to quicken, she was determined to continue, knowing that she was on the cusp of a breakthrough she so desperately needed. "Confronting my parents." She began, giving everything it took to keep her voice even. "To track down my mother and ask her what I did that was so bad that her best choice was to leave without a word. To find my father, and ask him why her walking out on both of us meant he had to turn on me when it should have brought us closer together."
Alie could sense that wasn't all of it, there was more beneath the surface and they both needed to dig deeper. "What else have you left unfinished?"
Lexa's lower lip began to tremble. She looked down at her hands sitting in her lap and watched as a tear slid off her cheek and onto the backside of her palm. "Reaching out to Costia's family, and telling them that I'm sorry I couldn't protect their daughter."
Even after all she's been through, crying wasn't something she allowed herself to do often. Quickly wiping away all evidence of such a sensitive moment, she cleared her throat hoping they could both act as though it never happened.
"What else Lexa?" Alie asked leaning forward in her seat. They were making too much progress to let her regress now. She still had something holding her back, preventing her from moving forward from this place in her life.
Lexa regained her composure and stared off into some random corner of the room. "Finding the courage I need to tell Clarke how I really feel about her." She laughed at her own admission. It felt like a weight lifting off of her shoulders, which compared to everything else that had been said in the last few minutes, seemed rather inferior in magnitude. But to her, it was by far the most important one, because while the rest focused solely on righting the past, this was the stepping stone to her future.
"And how do you feel about Clarke?"
The brunette let out a low chuckle, smiling at the truth she was growing increasingly comfortable admitting out loud. "I'm in love with her."
Alie smiled along with her. "And why is it you haven't told her that?"
"I was afraid to let myself fall for anyone else. I thought it would be disrespectful to Costia's memory, or if I allowed myself to move on with someone in that way, they would suffer the same fate that she did."
"Yet you pursued a relationship anyway. And now you find yourself falling in love all over again. What prompted you to do that given your feelings about that very thing?"
"I guess, somewhere down the road, I realized Clarke was worth it. She is worth it. And if I want the chance to have a life that doesn't end with me being anything like either of my parents, then I need to stop being afraid."
Alie nodded with pride. "I agree. And I think you're right on track to doing just that. You know what your first step is right?" Going off Lexa's look, Alie continued. "I'll give you a hint, you just confessed it to me. There's someone else that deserves to hear it a hell of a lot more."
Lexa knew it was long overdue. But the time has come she tell Clarke. Though she couldn't just simply blurt it out the next time she saw her. After all Clarke had done for her the last few weeks, all she's done since day one, she deserved much better. She deserved something extraordinary. And Lexa was inclined to do just that for the girl she loved. Clarke was special.
"You're right."
Later that day
Lexa waited anxiously for her next visitor. Her stomach began twisting into knots hoping
She was pulled from her thoughts when she heard the quiet knock on the door that she had been waiting for. Without her having to say anything, the door slowly opened and Abby poked her head in.
"I heard you wanted to see me." She said, entering the room and closing the door behind herself.
"I did."
Abby approached the side of the bed with ease, curiosity written all over her face. "Is everything okay?"
"Yeah. Things are…." Lexa smiled. "Things are great, actually."
"Well that's good to hear." Abby replied matching the smile with her own.
"I was hoping I could get your help with something."
"Okay." The woman said tentatively, taking a seat in the chair. "What do you need?"
Lexa found her nerves returning in full force. But. Taking a deep breath to calm herself, she regained her composure and forced herself to say what she had planned to the woman. "The day all… this happened," she gestured to herself and the hospital bed she'd been confined to for the better portion of the last few weeks. "I was planning to take Clarke out to dinner. And it was during that dinner… that I was going to tell her I loved her for the first time." Taking a pause, she looked up at the mother of her girlfriend to gauge her reaction to what she had just divulged. Seeing no obvious effect, she carried on. "I hope that's alright with you."
Abby smiled genuinely and leaned forward, placing a hand on Lexa's leg. "Lexa… It's absolutely alright with me. What you and my daughter have is all I have ever wanted for her. And I know how much you mean to her."
"She means a lot to me too."
"I take it you haven't told her yet."
"No." Lexa said, shame lacing her tone. "After I woke up, I was afraid if I said it then… she'd say it back out of pity or something. I didn't want to make her feel obligated to stick it out with me after really seeing how bad things could get."
"Clarke's not exactly the type to do anything she doesn't want to do."
"No, I know. She's special. I had a lot of my own issues and insecurities to work through, but I'm ready now to go all in. And that's what I need your help for."
Abby allowed a full-blown grin to cross over her face as she leaned back and crossed her legs, ready to get down to business and do her part in ensuring the happiness for her youngest daughter. "What do you need me to do?"
Lexa went on to explain the details of her plan to present Clarke with a grand gesture and prove to her just how deeply she cared for her. She had spent the last few hours mapping it out in her mind, down to every last detail wanting it to be perfect. All she needed was for Abby to sign off on it and the plan would be set in motion. She knew she could get everything she needed from her friends, she knew the hospital staff would help her in any way they could and now that she had the Chief of Administration in her corner, all there was left to do was put it into action.
Clarke made her way to her girlfriend's hospital room, taking a much-needed break after assisting on two surgeries and completing her rounds. When she got there, however, she was met with an empty bed and mind running with curiosity. She made sure she knew about every appointment on Lexa's schedule, and after wracking her brain again and again, she was sure the wasn't anything set for this afternoon. Before she could speculate the reason for her absence, she noticed Maya approaching her timidly.
"Hey Maya, do you know where Lexa is? She's not supposed to have physical therapy for another couple of hours." She asked.
"Uhmm… Lexa wasn't feeling well, so they took her to run some tests about an hour ago." Maya told her through a shaky breath.
Clarke felt like she too would be sick. Lexa suddenly being taken for tests couldn't mean anything good. She needed to be with her. Clarke pushed down the wave a nausea she felt long enough to try and find out where exactly her girlfriend was at this very moment. "Where did they take her?"
"I'm not sure. But your mom and Lorelai asked me to tell you to meet them in the break room. They want to talk to you about it." Maya gave her a sheepish smile before turning away and leaving her standing in the empty room.
Clarke took a deep breath and closed her eyes, wanting to calm herself for whatever it was she was getting ready to face, before making her way to the break room where her mother and mentor were waiting.
Standing outside the door with her hand on the doorknob, she took another breath and opened it, yet nothing could possibly prepare her for what she had just walked into. The once plain room, whose sole purpose was to be a weigh station for doctors staring down the latter half of a double shift, was now decked out with tea lights and flowers on every surface. And sitting in the middle of it all was Lexa, looking better than ever, staring her down with a look of nothing but pure adoration.
"Lexa?" Clarke began, still in shock. "What's going on? What is all this?"
"You like it?" The brunette asked calmly.
"It's beautiful. But why?"
Lexa gripped the arms of the chair she was sitting in and braced her weight, lifting herself up, struggling to stand. She wanted to do this right, bullet wound be damned. In an instant, Clarke rushed to her side to help her, not wanting the woman to strain herself before explaining the reasoning behind this sudden surprise.
"Babe. What are you doing?"
"I'm alright." Lexa reassured her as she reached out to grab hold of Clarke's hands and met her eyes.
"Why'd you do all this?" Clarke tried again.
Lexa gave her hands a squeeze, running her thumbs across her knuckles. "I wanted to surprise you. In all the craziness these last few weeks… we missed our one year anniversary. And I also wanted to make up for the fact that we had to cancel our dinner plans at Trishana because of me."
"I don't think I'll be able to hold that against you." Clarke told her playfully.
"Still, I felt horrible. So, I was hoping we could make up for it right here, right now." Lexa gestured to the table set up behind her that Clarke hadn't noticed until just then. Two hospital food trays sat with their covers on to keep the food warm.
Clarke looked at them skeptically. "We're going to make up for a date at Trishana with food from the hospital cafeteria?" She appreciated the gesture, but she worked at the hospital and knew first hand that the food was nothing to brag about.
"Not exactly." Lexa chuckled, knowing exactly what the blonde was thinking. She lifted the cover from one of the trays to reveal a to-go bag from the food truck that Clarke loved.
"A 'Chef's Choice' sandwich & 'Greek fries' from the 'Toasty Cheese' food truck." Clarke smiled remembering one of the first meals they ever shared, when Lexa surprised her at the hospital with her favorite lunch. "Did you flash your badge to get to the front of the line this time too?"
"No, but I did have to bribe your sister."
"Well, then… Shall we?"
After pulling out Clarke's chair for her, an act she was hesitant to allow her to do, Lexa took her own seat. The two shared a meal together and for the first time in a while, they spent time together as if none of the recent events happened. It was as if things are back to the way they used to be. When they finish eating, Clarke notices Lexa staring at her adoringly.
"What?"
"Nothing." Lexa said shaking her head. "I just don't think I'll ever get used to how beautiful you are."
Clarke blushed. "I don't think I'll ever get used to you constantly complimenting me like that."
At that, Lexa stood up, somewhat struggling again to do so but pushing on anyway, and held her hand out to her girl. "Dance with me."
Clarke looked at her confused. "Are you hearing music that I'm not?"
As if prepared for that exact question, Lexa pulled her phone out of her pocket and pressed play. Music sounded from a Bluetooth speaker across the room. Clarke took her hand and stood, allowing herself to get pulled close.
They swayed together, back and forth 'All of Me' by John Legend started to play through the speakers. "I don't want you to over-exert yourself, babe." Clarke told her.
"Don't worry. I'm more than okay." She swore to her. Lexa looked deep into Clarke's eyes and decided it was now or never. "I wanted to thank you."
"Again? Lex… you don't have to keep thanking me."
"No, I do. Throughout all of this, you've been my rock. And you have been so wonderful. Supportive, patient and understanding. I wanted to show you how much I appreciate it." She took a deep breath, never once breaking eye contact. "How much I appreciate you… because I Love You."
Clarke stopped them both in their tracks as the music played on and looked up at her girlfriend, almost convinced that she heard her wrong or she hallucinated it all. "What?"
"I love you, Clarke. I should have told you a long time ago and I'm sorry I didn't, but I can't hold it back from you anymore. I am so, crazily in love with you."
"I love you too." Clarke said with the largest smile and tears of pure joy forming in her eyes. Then, in one swift motion, their lips connected in the most passion fueled kiss they've ever had. When they broke for much needed air, they remained close, resting their foreheads on one another's.
"You have no idea how long I've been wanting to tell you that." Clarke whispered as her lips ghosted over Lexa's.
"Why didn't you?" Lexa asked though she more than likely already knew the answer.
"I didn't think you were ready to hear it yet. I thought that if I did… you'd pull away again."
Lexa shook her head. "Not anymore." She said pledged to her in that moment, before leaning in and connecting their lips together once again. The moment was soon over when Clarke pulled away and lightly smacked Lexa on her arm. "Ow!" She yelped and looked at the blonde incredulously. "What the hell was that for?"
"That was for scaring the hell out of me."
"What are you talking about?" Lexa asked confused.
"Maya. There were plenty of other ways to get me here without telling me that there was something wrong with you and you needed to go get tests done."
"That's what she told you?" Based off Lexa's facial expression, Clarke knew she had no idea.
"You didn't tell her to tell me that?"
"I swear I didn't. All I told her was to say whatever she needed to get you here, but I didn't think she'd go that far." Thinking about it, Lexa couldn't help but let out a laugh, to which Clarke soon joined in. "Babe, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for that to happen."
"It's fine." Clarke told her as her laughter died down. "You're just lucky I love you." She said as she brought her arms up and wrapped them around Lexa's neck, feeling the brunette's hands land on her hips.
"Is that so?" She asked playfully.
"It is. I love you, so much."
"And I love you so much more." Lexa answered back without missing a beat, leaning in once again to kiss the woman she loved. No longer was she going to hold back when it came to Clarke. She was fully prepared to give herself to this girl without any regrets.
Hope you enjoyed that. Let me know if you did or didn't. The next chapter will be the last. Then I will either start working on the sequel or a couple other fic ideas I have. HMU with your thoughts on my next move. .com