...Wow.
I cannot BELIEVE how many people reviewed from just, like, two days ago. It's probably not that much compared to other stories, but still. It warms my heart. Like, seriously. Keep doing that and I may just melt from the inside out. But some people are worth melting for. ;)
Also, I decided to do some shout-outs and responses to reviews! If you're not mentioned I still THANK YOU SO MUCH. I'm only responding to people who reviewed AFTER my last update, but ALL reviews are very much appreciated!
To Mabma80: I am too. So here have this - *shoves this chapter towards you*
To canifindtheone: YOU LITERALLY MADE MY DAY. Thank you so much! You gave me the motivation to update again! Also, yes, I didn't make Kriss a monster because she isn't! I'm pretty sure you agree with me when I say that Kriss is a good person and I hate it when writers don't portray her that way. Keep being a wonderful beautiful person and I'll keep writing chapters! We're all happy. :)
To KatelyntheSelectionfan: I hope this is sufficient!
To Spring04: Thank you for not going all crazy that May died! I love her too, but, it needed some drama. You'll see why soon.
To fandomnation12: First of all, thank you! People are always saying my story is good but honestly I think it could be so much better! Glad you like it though! Thanks to you too for not being too upset about May's death! I'm also glad you think I'm writing the romance buildup/tension well.
To AnnaR5: Hearing from you was great because it meant that someone has stayed with me from practically the beginning. You reviewed early on, yes? Thank you for staying and for reviewing again! Also good job for quoting me with the 'my gosh you're a monster' thing. ;) I was waiting for someone to do that.
To all Guests: Thank you for reading this story and reviewing! Reviews make me smile. :)
SPECIAL SHOUTOUTS:
To sweetwaterspice: You haven't messaged to me in a while, but still thank you for all your help in the beginning! You helped advise my plot and help me stay on track with the story!
To MadisonMarieMcLean: You are practically my motivation for this story now. Just thinking about the fact that you messaged me with such kind thoughts makes me smile! I'm looking forward to a happy friendship with you as a fellow author! :)
ENJOY!
Chapter Thirteen
I screamed, an inhuman sound, flailing in Maxon's arms desperately. I couldn't see her anymore. I couldn't really see anything anymore. A cloud of dust covered everything. I coughed and screamed. The rubble was heaped in a large pile over where May, Avery, and the rebel had been, but I couldn't see any sign that they were under there.
"MAY! MAY!" I sobbed. I had trouble breathing from all the dust. My body spasmed as I cried and choked on the air. I struggled harder as Maxon started dragging me away from the rubble. "NO! LET ME GO!" I pounded desperately on his arms as I coughed and screamed, which were wrapped around my waist securely, but they wouldn't budge. "MAY!" I called out one last time as we reached the corner, even though I couldn't even see the five feet ahead of me anymore.
I think Maxon tried to say something to me. But the thundering noise from the crash, plus the blood pounding in my ears, rendered me deaf. I was alone and isolated in my world, with only my thoughts.
MAY. was all I could think. I need to save her. May. Little May. My baby sister. I could tell I was having trouble breathing. Everything seemed to be in slow motion as Maxon practically dragged me through the halls.
As far as I knew, we weren't in any immediate danger. We only passed Royal Guards, no rebels. It seemed none of the guards recognized Maxon, though, because they didn't try to help him. That, or he told them not to.
My anger turned on Maxon. What was he doing? I could save May! Now he's pulling me away, and she's dying, if not already dead. My blind hate heightened. I clawed at his arms, screamed my throat raw, flailed my limbs everywhere, and did everything I could to make Maxon let me free, but he steadily pulled me away from the rubble, and May. I knew I was drawing attention to myself by screaming, and during a rebel attack too, but I didn't care. Maxon tried to clamp a hand over my mouth to make me quiet (or quieter, at least), but I bit his finger, causing him to tear his hand away from my mouth. He let out a string of curse words under his breath, and I felt smug for a moment before resuming screaming.
As we reached one of the servants' safe rooms, Maxon had to let go of me with one arm so he could open the door. Realizing this was my chance, I pulled free of his grip, taking a step to run back to May, but he grabbed me by the wrist, shoving me into the room and locking the door. He turned me around forcefully until I was facing him, pushed up against his chest. I stopped screaming for a moment, surprised, but then I sobbed. "Please, let me go!" I begged, but his arms only tightened around my arms, which were pinned to my sides.
Maxon looked at me for a second, his eyes filled with terror. "I'm sorry, America. No." I cried harder. "Shhh…" he shushed me gently, loosening his grip a little. "Calm down, please, it's okay."
"NO, IT'S NOT!" I suddenly screamed, jerking away from him. I pushed myself up against the wall opposite of him and the door, crying. My legs gave out, and I slid down the wall. I sobbed softer now, my voice lowered to a whisper. "My sister… May just died." I sucked in a breath, starting to hyperventilate. "She's dead she's dead she's dead she's dead…" the words kept repeating in my head as I trailed on, hyperventilating. Why did everyone I loved had to leave me? My father had died a few years back, and my sister from a heart problem, and then Aspen, and now May. Drowning in my suffering, I suddenly had the urge to follow them. To stop with this. To give in to death.
I sobbed harder when I remembered Adelynne. Where was she? Was she okay? If she was hurt, it would be the death of me. If anything happened to her, I would kill every last rebel in this Palace. And when I was done, I'd die.
I felt myself going into shock, my brain whirring at hundred miles an hour so that I couldn't even comprehend what I was thinking anymore. I just cried, not wanting to be here, not wanting to be anywhere, wishing that this was all a dream and that I could wake up at home in Carolina. I tried to picture myself there. My father is there, and so is my mother. My older sister is there again, and Kota is smiling warmly at me. He's part of the family again. May is there, grinning happily, and sweet, quiet Gerad is just holding my hand in his small one. Aspen is there too and…
Maxon.
My eyes snap open, out of my imaginary land. I start crying harder when I remember what's going on. Why had Maxon been in my perfect fantasy land? It scared me that I was already so close to the king that he became one of the most important people in my life.
I couldn't bring myself to look at him after this shocking realization hit me like a brick. I just tucked in my knees to my chest, put my head into my arms, and cried. I cried.
After maybe half an hour, my sobs had turned into cries, and now whimpers. I heard nothing as I stared off blankly, so I assumed Maxon was either too timid or shocked to talk to me.
I looked off into space, wishing for a moment that May were here… well, obviously. But even if it was someone else who died, May would know what to do with me. When I would get upset at home, she would just be there for me, and we didn't even have to talk.
"I could've saved her." I finally spoke, my voice raw and vulnerable. I wasn't sure who I was trying to prove that to. Myself, or Maxon. Why did I have to prove it? Couldn't I have saved her? I wanted to believe I could have. But at the same time, I didn't want to believe it. Because that meant I could've saved her. That made it my fault she died. "You should've let me. I should've gone after her." Maxon seemed shocked I had even uttered anything as he stared at me.
Then his eyes hardened. "So you want to be killed?" He asked harshly. "I couldn't let you die, America."
I knew he was only trying to snap me out of this horrible, life draining faze of misery, but it didn't work. "I might as well." I whispered, my voice hoarse. "With her… gone," I couldn't utter the word 'dead,' "I might as well be too."
"Don't you dare ever say that." Maxon's voce was strangled, surprised, and slightly angry. "Don't you dare ever say that, America Singer." I closed my eyes and hung my head as silent tears streamed down my face.
Why shouldn't I say that? I wondered. It's true. May was my best friend. There's no point in anything anymore.
"Think of your family," Maxon pleaded, his voice softer but still shaky. "Your mother would be devastated to lose you. And at the same time as your sister?" He shook his head. "I couldn't do that to them, and you shouldn't either."
Anger filled me. He didn't understand at all. This wasn't about me, or my family. This was about May, and Aspen, and all those I loved who had died.
"I've already lost enough people, Maxon!" I told him, my voice cracking. "The longer I'm alive, the more people I love will die. I will hurt more people." I sobbed. "And more people will hurt me. My family can handle one more death. Especially now that I hardly ever see them anymore." I slumped against the wall.
Maxon made a noise of both incredulousness and anger. "So you're saying, after awhile, death gets easier to handle?" He scoffed. "You, of all people, should know that that is not true." He spat.
I knew he was thinking about his own parents - his father had died a few years back, and his mother was in poor condition -, and Kriss, and probably a lot of other people he had known who'd died in rebel attacks like these.
"My family is my everything, Maxon." I told him. "They're all I have left. And most of them are dead anyway. At least I can be reunited with them." I thought of my father, Kenya, May, Aspen, and Kota - who was so separated that he might as well be dead. Gerad was all my mother had left.
She would blame me for May's death. I was supposed to watch over her, protect her. Especially here at the Palace. And I've failed her. I've lost my mother's favorite daughter, her little girl. She'd hate me.
"It's all my fault." I spoke with realization, my voice faint and weak.
Maxon sighed with exasperation, but I knew it was true.
It was. May's death, Avery's death, Raychell's death, and now I was risking Adelynne's life.
Everything was all my fault. I didn't know how, or why, but everything pointed back to me. May and Avery died because she had come to visit me. Raychell died while she was with me, and so did Queen Kriss!
Why couldn't I have saved so many people I held dear to my heart?
Maxon huffed. "Sometimes you can be so selfish." He told me harshly. "Why can you never just be happy you're still alive? Why do you blame yourself for things you can't control? Why do you want to inflict more pain on other people by wishing you were dead?" He voice broke. I could see tears in his eyes when my face turned to him. "And why, of all things, do you believe that your family is all you have left?" He looked heartbroken. I opened my mouth, but couldn't manage to say anything.
"Think of your friends here - Chelsey, Valleree, Keahna, and Veronikka." Their names did make me happier but I couldn't manage a smile. "Already you've grown so close." Maxon told me. I couldn't help but agree. "They'd be heartbroken if you died."
There was a moment of silence as I processed this.
"And I can't believe you forgot about me." Maxon's broken voice spoke up. My head whipped to him. He was staring at me, his eyes shining - though I couldn't tell if it was from tears or something… else.
He grabbed my hands, holding them tightly. We were both crying. "I will always be there for you, America." He told me passionately. I could tell he wasn't lying.
But that hurt me more. I burst into loud ugly sobs, burrowing my head into Maxon's chest. "You'll leave me!" I wailed. "Everyone I love will have gone!" In the back of my head, I wondered if I had just admitted I loved Maxon. Of course I did, but we'd never said it - it sounded too childish. We loved each other like siblings… right?
Maxon rubbed my back gently, holding me close. Thoughts left my mind as I listened to his soothing voice. "I will always be here, America. No matter how many times you break me, or I break you, I will always be here."
It felt wrong, but also so very right as he wrapped his strong arms around me. I cried into his shoulder, whimpering. I'd cried earlier, but this felt so much better. It actually made me have some hope.
Nothing was ever really that bad when I was with Maxon.
I tried to relax as my cries mellowed down into sniffles. I realized what I was doing, and I stiffened. Maxon had his arms around me tightly, and I was clutching his shirt. If anyone found us like this, we would both get into trouble. I could be killed. I pulled away from Maxon, and he let me, helping me sit up. But I could tell he was confused, and worried. Maxon looked at me, concerned. He could tell something else had been wrong just now, besides my mourning over my sister. But he said nothing.
I let out a shaky breath, unable to speak. If I told him what I had just thought, that would make everything even more embarrassing and awkward. I resorted to simply staring at my lap, occasionally wiping the stray tear trailing down my cheeks. I could still feel his intense stare, but neither of us spoke.
Maxon could tell I was beginning to heal. I didn't want to die anymore, but I certainly felt like I was.
Maxon broke the silence after a minute. "I know it's heartbreaking." He started off very softly, as if afraid a loud noise would break me. Like I was fragile glass. "But you have to pull through, America." He urged in a low voice. I whimpered. "I know you're strong. You'll be okay."
I sobbed. "I'm not okay, Maxon."
He sighed and swallowed. "I know you're not right now. But we'll be okay. We're in this together, America." He lifted my chin so I would meet his eyes. "I'll always be with you, remember?"
I opened my mouth to speak, and then closed it again. How could I possible explain what was racing through my mind? I moved my chin out of his grasp, looking down in my lap. I could feel Maxon's worry and sadness.
"What are you thinking?" He whispered, almost reverently.
"I…" My voice caught. A thousand different excuses ran through my head. A hundred different lies were on the tip of my tongue. But I knew the truth now. In this time of misery, and sadness, I realized the truth. It was a horrible, frightening truth, but it was reality. Every time with Maxon raced through my head. From the moment we met during the rebel attack, to the day I talked with him in the garden. I remembered the day he heard me play piano, and sing, and when I became Chase's nanny. I remembered every walk in the garden, ever intense gaze, every sweet word. I remembered the beach trip, how we had cried in each other's arms and laughed at the other's jokes.
After all that, I had realized one thing. I was falling in love with the King of Illea, Maxon Schreave. I wasn't in love yet. But I certainly had feelings for him. And that scared me.
"I…" I swallowed, staring into his eyes. I wasn't able to say it. I couldn't admit it. I was a coward.
Maxon's gaze was intense. I couldn't look away, even if I wanted too. I tried to tell him what I was thinking, what words were on the tip of my tongue. I hoped he understood what I was saying without words.
Maxon leaned forward quickly, gently grabbing my hair with his hand. He pulled my lips to his in a quick, fluid motion. His kiss was soft and gentle, and I could feel his care for me through the kiss.
For a moment I just stayed there, shocked and paralyzed. And then, I found myself kissing back. All the pressure, anger, and sadness overwhelmed me, and I pressed hard against his lips. My tears wet my eyelashes, but I kept my eyes closed, squeezed shut. Maxon pulled me closer, chest to chest, and I moved my arms around his neck in a tight embrace.
I could feel the electricity between us. It was real, and strong. I wanted it to wash over me, drown me. I wanted to forget what was going on. I wanted to be away from here, and just stay with Maxon forever. Blood rushed to my head, and I heard Maxon mutter something against my lips. I couldn't decipher what'd he said. I was too distracted by Maxon's hand on my waist, one in my hair. Wherever we touched, I tingled. I was practically tingling all over, that was how close we were. I shivered at our closeness. I wanted more. I needed more. I felt drunk in this kiss.
But a resounding click made us break apart, gasping for breath. For a second, we stared at each other in alarm, before jumping to our feet. I breathed heavily as I patted my hair down and straightened my dress as the door to the safe room swung open.
A dark head peeked inside, and large bright eyes stared at me and Maxon. "Your Majesty?" Chelsey gasped, staring at Maxon. She turned around, yelling back into the Palace, "I found him! I found the king!" She opened the door wider for us, gesturing for us to come out. Maxon and I walked out together. My cheeks were heated, and I knew his were too. Both of us were dirty from the dust, and my cheeks were streaked with tears. Chelsey wrapped me in an embrace, silently crying. She reassured me, without me having to ask, that Adelynne and Chase and all our friends were safe.
While I felt an overwhelming sense of relief, I was also shocked and horrified at myself. What had I just done? Maxon… our kiss, the safe room. I was so ashamed. Had I really admitted to myself that I had romantic feelings for Maxon? What had I done?
Chelsey was trying to speak to me, but I only stared at her blankly. I couldn't… I couldn't handle anymore. My eyes teared up. I felt myself starting to back away.
I saw Maxon. He met my eyes, and a jolt shot through me. I stared, terrified. What did he think of me? What had I done? We could never be together. How could I have even thought that for a minute? He's the king. I'm a nanny. Not only would we be breaking the law, but I couldn't help but think that Maxon's kiss was only to comfort me. It didn't mean anything to him. Not much, anyway.
But it did to me, and that's what was bad.
Tears streamed down my cheeks. Chelsey stared at me worriedly, repeating my name with growing panic. But I could only hear what was inside my head. Her voice was muted and soft. I was confused, angry, sad. Maxon was already surrounded by guards. I could tell they were trying to convince him to go to a safer area, but he resisted. His eyes stayed locked on mine, growing more and more worried. He tried to move towards me.
That was the last I saw of him before I turned and raced down the hall, away from the Maxon, away from everything I could.
I didn't look back, even when he called after me, like I'd know he would.
I ran, and ran, and ran.
I expected Chelsey to run after me. But the halls were too crowded. Maids and butlers rushed everywhere, panicked. Destruction and rubble lay all over the place. I cried silently, pushing my way through the crowd. Tears streaked down my cheeks. I could feel them making tracks in the thin layer of dust that had settled and imprinted on my skin. I needed to get out. I needed to leave the Palace.
I needed to run away.
I wasn't thinking clearly, I knew. But I didn't care. I was panicking. I was scared. I was ashamed. How could I have been so stupid as to kiss the King? How could I have been so gullible as to start to fall in love with him? I cried at my foolishness as I raced out of the Palace. The only way to escape the Palace was to run away. I couldn't face the King. I just couldn't.
Plus, I couldn't handle being there anymore. It was suffocating, and I felt like I couldn't breathe. That was where May had died. That was the place that had snuffed out a bright light. The Palace was now a cloud of darkness that seemed to block out all light.
While running, I didn't worry about Chase or Adelynne. Chelsey had told me they were safe, and I trusted her to take care of Adelynne. Chase didn't need me, though. Chase was the Prince. He, like his father, had no reason to be connected to me. I was a nobody. I couldn't believe I had convinced myself that I could ever be able to love the King. There was just no way we could ever be together, even if he had feelings for me too. I doubted he had feelings for me, though. As friends, of course, but lovers? The kiss… Maxon loved me as a friend. He wanted to comfort me. I couldn't hold that against him. Even if the kiss confused me more than anything I could remember.
It's better if we stayed apart, my brain insisted adamantly to my heart when I thought of Maxon.
If only my heart was better at listening.
They caught up to me before I even reached the main road. A black car drove up behind me before pulling up in front of me, blocking my path. I almost tried to run, but it was no use. I was tired. Exhausted. And besides, I would never get away.
Valleree got out of the car. As she got out, she said into a walkie talkie, "I've got 'er, Chels." Then she slammed the door behind her, glaring at me angrily, and stomped over. She stopped in front of me, towering over my tired, crying form. I sniffled. That seemed to soften her, but not by much. She still glared at me. At first I expected yelling, or a hit. Instead, Valleree gave me a bone-crushing hug.
"You're so stupid!" She exclaimed angrily. I could see the worry and concern in her eyes, even if she acted angry. "America, you could've been killed!"
I just let out a sob and wrapped my arms around her, hiccupping. I knew I deserved her anger. But for something she didn't even know I'd done.
Valleree shut up as I hugged her. She pulled away, but still held me at arms-length. "America?" She frowned. "What happened?"
I could only cry a little more. I felt so embarrassed. Here I was, blubbering like an idiot. My face was streaked with tears and snot. My hair and dress were probably both messes after running. And I was shivering in the cool afternoon. At that moment, I just wanted my sister. I knew she'd be able to help me.
"C'mon," she grabbed my hand and started pulling me to the car. I almost resisted, but I was too tired.
I had never known love could be so exhausting.
Once I got back to the Palace, I said my good-byes to Adelynne and my mother, who had come to the Palace to bring her home. I very nearly asked to go home with her. She too was mourning. My mother was worried for me. And I wanted to go home. I couldn't bear being so close to Maxon, and yet being so far away. But maybe he knew of my confusion. Maybe he hoped that after time, we could go back to before. But I didn't want to go back to before. How would I be able to be only be friends with someone I was in love with?
Going home would be worse, though. Even being with my mother and daughter wouldn't help. Besides, now, more than ever, without May to supply my mother with income, I needed to work. I had to stay here and work as a maid. If not for my sake, then for my mother's and daugter's.
After my mother left with Adelynne, I immediately burst into tears. I knew I needed my friends. Luckily, they were there for me. They would always be there for me.
I gathered my four closest friends; Chelsey, Valleree, Veronikka, and Keahnna. I told them all that had happened. Everything. From the moment Maxon and I met and all the way to our kiss in the safe-room. I had to. I had to get it off my chest.
They didn't judge me when I out-right refused to accept Maxon's offer to become Chase's permanent nanny.
And I tried to convince myself that I was not in love with him as I avoided Maxon at every chance. I went back to my old job as a maid, but I made sure my red hair was covered and my cap was low so I was less recognizable. I begged Chelsey for the jobs away from Maxon; in the kitchen, in the lower floors. I couldn't bear to face him.
But at the same time, I longed to simply see his face.
There was a funeral the next day. I didn't cry. All my tears had been used. I was completely dried up. My only regret was that I didn't get to say good-bye. And that the funeral could've been nicer for my baby sister. It was all dark and grey, and the bodies were all in body-bags so that you couldn't even distinguish who was who. It was sickening. My bright, shining light of a sister deserved better.
The funeral reminded me of Aspen's. Well, it didn't remind me. A bitter taste filled my mouth when I remembered that I hadn't had the chance to attend Aspen's funeral. I didn't even know if they had one for him. But if they did, this is what I imagined it would be like - dreary, boring, and depressing. A suffocating event that gave nothing to honor the memory of the dead.
I hated it.
Thinking of Aspen helped me to avoid Maxon when I caught him looking at me. I was embarrassed still. And I was afraid. Remembering the love of my life distracted me. It gave me more hope that it was possible to push away Maxon. Aspen and I were in love - are in love. I still love Aspen. I can't be in love with Maxon. I just can't. They're so different, I told myself doubtfully. How can I love one when I love the other?
I'd be betraying Aspen by loving Maxon. I couldn't do that. Aspen was my best friend. So is Maxon, a part of me whispered. Maxon is just as important to you now. But I couldn't fall in love with Maxon. I just couldn't. I kept repeating that to myself insistently. Needless to say, it didn't work. It was like trying to drown out all the background noise with one loud noise. It just made me feel sick and tired and lose my concentration.
Eventually, I shoved all thoughts away about both men. I stared at the body bags, thinking instead of May. The words of condolences droned on and on. They were staying stupid things like 'they died nobly and will be remembered with honor.' My sister didn't die nobly. She died in a cruel, horrible way, brought to death by the hands and the work of corrupted, evil people. The only way I didn't scream out loud and yell that this was not right, that this is not what my baby sister deserved, was by imagining May with me, a comforting presence.
This made me start to cry, but the tears were both happy and sad. They mingled on my cheeks and on my lips, salty and warm. I closed my eyes and more tears leaked out of the corners.
I imagined her next to me, whispering and giggling in my ears. I imagined her having to stand on her tiptoes to reach my ears. I imagined her eyes to be the only thing bright in the entire world. I imagined her soft laugh, her happy smile, and her fiery red hair, similar to my own. I remembered her slender hands that would be great for playing a piano, but she chose art instead. She used her hands to create masterpieces that people would enjoy for centuries. My music made me happy in the present, but hers made people happy now and forever.
But now, with her gone, I felt like there was no longer any forever. Only now.
And now was looking pretty horrible without my baby sister in it.
END OF CHAPTER THIRTEEN
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