Disclaimer: Got that damn song stuck in my head now...
I Still Don't Understand Why You're All Obsessed With Balls
12. Take a Page Out of Paolo Nutini's Book
I thought that, stereotypically, it was women who were supposed to hoard and obsessively purchase shoes. So why is it then, when fulfilling a favour I owed to a friend, that I discover that it is actually men who become literal reincarnations of Imelda Marcos? Especially when sports shoes are concerned.
18:37 PM, 17.8.2012 – robin robin . blogspot . com
There was a good reason I didn't watch horror movies. Not for the gore, the pathetic characters running about in the dark that made me want to show them how it was done, or the obviously CGI'd monsters. No, I didn't watch horror movies because at some point (not in every film I'm sure, but why should I take that risk?) there would be twins present.
Now, twin siblings in real life didn't freak me out at all, but twins in horror movies? Nah. Count me out. It was just something about how they were always placed in the same style – if not the exact – clothing and were disturbingly vacant as they whispered around the deserted mansion or wherever it was that was haunted. The whole concept of them made me feel uncomfortable and itchy and generally displeased with the plot as a whole. You'd think this would stem from trauma or something, but again, this irrational fear didn't cross over into life outside of viewing a film at all.
Until today that is.
Hopping from one foot to another while I waited for someone to answer the front door, I uncomfortably looked down at the sturdy handles of a paper bag I was carrying. The bag contained my 'gift' for Kasamatsu, because no way in hell was I wrapping it and carrying it and taking it on the train with me without some distance between myself and the cursed bottle. Akiko-San had been understanding about me giving the gift to a friend. I'd hammed it up to him being rather upset, and that seeing the Habashu would cheer him up – and well, it was redundant to me as a gift because I couldn't drink yet (and certainly wouldn't like to drink snake wine).
After that, she'd all but shoved the paper bag in my hand. I guess she was kind of disappointed I wasn't going to be keeping her gift, but if she was she didn't say anything. I believe Akiko-San was more enamoured by the fact that I was going to help out a friend.
Or that I had friends.
Japanese ones, that is. Unless she thought I was pretty much antisocial from the beginning and set her son and Noboru on me as some kind of weird social experiment she'd concocted with the help of Matsuko-San. Actually, the latter would explain a lot of things, but that couldn't be it. Akiko-San had had this weird glint in her eye when I told her that Kasamatsu was the Captain of the boy's Basketball Team, which made me shudder. I'd pushed this aside though when she gave me her permission – no, her 'approval' – to 'help this young man out'.
The door swung open, and I glanced from who answered to the bag I held in rapid succession. Smiling brightly, I extended the bag out to them; "Senpai, I come bearing gifts."
"Who are you?"
Blinking, I focused more on their face. They looked like Yukio Kasamatsu; had the same frowning, bushy eyebrows and everything. They sounded like him too, if a little pitchy. Not that I'd paid attention to what Kasamatsu's voice sounded like too often. Just… just when I was pondering about music.
"Who are you?" I echoed in bewilderment, eying the Senpai-impersonator.
"I think you've got the wrong house," the imposter said, and rudely closed the door in my face. I nearly dropped the bottle of wine in indignation. Striding forwards and pressing a finger to the doorbell, I huffed angrily. Just what was Captain Ice King playing at? It was quickly flung back open again by the imposter.
"Hello, how may I help you?" They asked with the same pitchy voice. Only now, the tone was timid, and a light blush filtered across their face.
"Is this…" I sighed. "Is this some kind of game to you?"
"I-I don't under- Miss, I don't know what you're talking about."
Okay, this was more than a little freaky, and I was beginning to get angrier by the second. I tapped my foot irately, crossing my arms as best as I could with the bag in tow as I said, "Look, I'm just here to visit Yukio-Senpai."
"Oh!" They replied, clarity dawning on their features. "Yuki-Nii is upstairs."
"What are you talking about Yukio-Senpai, you're right there."
The imposter shook their head. "No, Yuki-Nii is upstairs in his room. I'm Fuyuki, Miss…?"
"Robinson, Leah."
The impost- Fuyuki (I'd have to get used to that) – beamed a smile at me that could rival the sun in intensity. It was weird seeing the Captain's face do something so… un-Captain like. "You're Ria-Chan? Yuki-Nii told us about you and Kaijo. Come in! Come in!"
Following who I now believed to be Kasamatsu's younger brother (who possibly had multiple personalities or was pulling my leg on purpose as some kind of prank?) down the hall. He directed me to sit down in their living room-come-diner while he brought his brother. I heard him bound upstairs and a clatter from the landing as he knocked into something, so why was he just settling back onto the sofa with a bag of snacks in his hand?
"I thought you'd just gone upstairs, Fuyuki-San."
"Eh?" Not-Fuyuki said around the crunch of his snacks. "Fu let you in, crazy woman?"
"No, you let me in Fuyuki-San."
Not-Fuyuki chewed loudly and cleared his throat before he answered. "I'm not Fuyuki. I'm Akira."
This was starting to be my horror movie fears come true. They were even dressed the same in nondescript joggers and plain white t-shirts. Hell, their hair cuts and facial features were identical to Kasamatsu's! So, I decided to play along. "Okay. That's... nice?" (1)
Akira eyed me dolefully, murmuring 'crazy' when he thought I was paying attention and becoming absorbed in his food. A minute later, and Fuyuki was yet to return. The paper bag in my hands crunched as my fists tightened around the handles. Maybe it was time for me to bail out now?
I thought about it. My legs twitched in anticipation of rising from the sofa and making a dash for the door but-
"I brought him for you, Ria-San!" Fuyuki burst into the room, dragging Kasamatsu with him. He then launched himself onto the seat next to his brother and began picking at the bag of snacks too. Akira hissed territorially; swatting at Fuyuki's fingers as he stole a handful from the bag.
"Shove off Fu!"
"'Sharing is caring', 'Kira!"
"Too bad I don't care then-"
"Yukio-Senpai," I whispered in horror, watching the pair squabbling amongst themselves. "You've multiplied." (2)
I felt like a bit of a berk upon discovering that it wasn't an elaborate hoax, and that Kasamatsu had two younger brothers.
Who just happened to be twins.
Who just happened to have the same face as him.
Apparently, their father was the same but they inherited their eyebrows from their mother. I took their word for it and decided to skip on looking at the family photo albums Fuyuki promised to dredge out of storage, if I did want to peruse for proof.
After a while of grilling me (Akira), asking polite questions and offering to make me tea (Fuyuki) and awkward silence (Yukio), Captain Ice King's siblings wandered off upstairs out of the way. Unusually serious and not flustered for once, Kasamatsu asked me simply as to why I was there at his home and how I'd got his address in the first place.
"Ryouta-Kun was worried about you, and well, I've still got my end of the promise to hold up so I thought 'two birds, one stone' y'know?" From his blank expression, it was possible that the captain did not know. "Oh! I've got a gift for you too!"
I handed the bag to Kasamatsu. He pulled out the bottle from within, face colouring rapidly as he surveyed the beady-eyed snake behind the thick glass.
"Is there something wrong?" I inquired as Kasamatsu sat frozen solid and contrarily flustered as red as a fire.
"I j-just don't think that's an appropriate gift to give to m-me, Ria-Sa- Chan," Kasamatsu stammered, pushing the bottle back into the confines of the paper bag. "Actually, I don't think it's appropriate for you to give to any man."
My shoulders slumped. Was I destined to hold onto that wretched bottle forever?!
"Please just keep it, Senpai. You never know, one day it might come in handy," I protested, imagining that even with snakey-bits bobbing about in it the alcohol could probably be used in cooking or something.
"I sincerely hope not," Kasamatsu grumbled, but kept the bag beside him.
I was a feeling perturbed at his behaviour now, and a part of me knew I had to ask why the gift had elicited such a reaction from him. "Did I offend you, or…?"
"No." The Captain sighed, scrubbing his hands through his short hair. "No, it's just – you know what, just look it up later Ria-Sa-Chan."
"Please just tell me what it is that's wrong, Yukio-Senpai," I continued mulishly. If I looked it up now it would be rude of me to tap away on my phone while I was a guest in his home, and I'd most likely forget to do it later. Also, why was he deflecting my question? I must have screwed up big time or something if he was subtly suggesting I needed to do some research in my own time.
The Captain went through several iterations of darker reds before he gathered the courage to answer me. "It's believed that… because the snakes they use in the wine can m-mate for long periods of time…" I already didn't like where this explanation was going. "…if they're placed inside the jars, when men drink it… it'll cure, y'know…"
"No, I don't think I do?" I wasn't being coy, I really just didn't know what he was on about.
"…seh…d..fun..tion"
"Could you repeat that, Senpai?"
"Sexual dysfunction." (3)
All colour drained from my face. What a pair we must have looked; one appearing as though his face had been scribbled on with permanent red marker, and the other as ashen as a wax work figure.
Now it was my turn to stammer; "Y-Yukio-Senpai, I didn't know. Akiko-San just said she bought it because it looked cool and I thought it might cheer you up because Kise said you were being a bit off lately and-"
"I understand," the Captain interrupted, waving his hands frantically as if to stop me from spouting any more apologies.
"No, no it's my fault entirely. Oh my- I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to imply anything. I'm really, really sorry!"
Kasamatsu's twin younger brothers had all but shoved him out of the front door when he tried to protest against going shoe shopping with me. Granted, Akira probably wanted to get rid of me when I started spouting about shoes nervously in the wake of the… 'Snake' Incident. Fuyuki just smiled and pressed a coat into his elder brother's outstretched hands; wishing us both a good afternoon.
Now, I've shared some awkward car and train journeys in my time here in Japan so far, and I had a feeling they weren't yet to be ending. I had been right to believe this, because as Captain Ice King and I took the train into Tokyo he was certainly living up to the moniker I'd given him. The atmosphere was downright frosty. I think I managed to wheedle maybe three or so partial sentences, two grunts and a panicked look from him in the twenty minutes it took us to walk from the train station to Kasamatsu's preferred sports store. There hadn't been so much of a flush or stutter from him, which was completely throwing me off because Kasamatsu was only that serious with me when basketball was involved.
Things also spiralled when I set him loose in the shoe section and he discovered that they didn't have the shoes he usually swore by in stock. A veritable cloud of doom had enclosed around Kasamatsu Yukio, and I couldn't help my concerned look to him as he tried to keep perusing nonchalantly.
"Yukio-Senpai, I'm sure if we ask at the till they'll order them in for you. I kinda didn't expect things to go smoothly anyway, so if you don't mind waiting for them I'll pay in advance today," I said, and he tersely agreed.
The salesperson was happy to help (anything for a sale, I guess), and looked expectantly to Kasamatsu in the hopes he'd pull his wallet out and pay. I quickly whipped my debit card out of my purse and wafted it above the card machine by the till.
"Oh!" The salesperson's eyebrows rose. "That's sweet of you to pay for your-"
Kasamatsu stiffened.
"-Senpai." I blurted. "I owe him one, so I'm paying for a replacement pair."
And perhaps a new pair of shoes would fix him? Y'know how that song goes? 'Hey, I've got some new shoes on, and suddenly everything's right'?
"Oh." Surprise on the salesperson's face quickly shifted to intrigue; "Why was there a need for a replacement? Unless you've had these shoes for ages they usually aren't faulty in any way."
"Oh, I vomited all over them when I was ill a few months back. Suppose it was better to buy new than to stick them in the washing machine." Clearing my throat at the salesperson's horrified expression, I continued. "Is Yukio-Senpai okay to pick his purchase up without me here? I don't know what I'll be doing by the time they arrive in store, so…" I shrugged. Hell, if he was going to be as awkward as today when he went to pick up his new shoes, then I would most likely fake illness or chop off my arm or something to get out of going with him again.
The salesperson thought on my query for a moment. "He should be fine. The receipt I'm about to give you is proof of purchase, and if I can take an email address then I can send across an electronic copy. You wouldn't believe how many people we get in saying they have an order and have lost their receipt." They tittered nervously, still looking at me as though I could projectile the half-digested remains of my breakfast at any given moment, and added that Kasamatsu would receive an email when they arrived at the store sometime next week.
"That's suits me," The Captain told me as we left. "We've got the street ball tournament next weekend, so I can collect them then with Kise. Thank you, again, Ria-Sa-Chan."
"Still trying to get used to the honorific thing, Yukio-Senpai?" I teased and yep, there was the usual flush he'd been missing all day.
Kasamatsu huffed. "I known how to use them, I just feel more comfortable with using '-San'-"
"And anyone else you're familiar enough to just bark at without using honorifics?" I finished for him, grinning madly.
"What- no!" There was a faint 'Squee' in the distance, and by reflex I grabbed hold of Kasamatsu and dragged him behind the closest cover I could find. That just happened to be a vending machine. Kasamatsu yanked his arm out of my grip and stared down at me like I was a madwoman; "What are you-"
"Was Kise supposed to be out and about in Tokyo today?" I asked hurriedly. "Because that is the sound of a Kise fangirl on the loose and it's now instinct for me to hide behind the closest object whenever I hear their mating call."
The Captain merely shook his head and suggested we should move on. We had a return train to catch after all. The squeaks of surprise, giggles, and stares followed, and I just assumed we were being associated with the blond model. I knew he ran a media account and uploaded photos of him training during club time, and I'd been asked to pose comically for a selfie with him and Moriyama-Senpai before, so maybe they knew me from that? It was also possible that Kise had snapped Kasamatsu before too, so I just let the weird behaviour of the general public go for now.
It could be that I was completely wrong, and they were staring at me because the back of my dress was caught in my knickers or something equally as mortifying, but I was used to embarrassing incidents now. I'd lived with Takumi and put up with Noboru for nearly five months after all - and that had been nothing but intense desensitization to mortification. It appeared that Kasamatsu wasn't as comfortable with it as I was though, as each curious glance had him bristling.
"Why are you being so hostile?" I hissed to him as we took our seats on the train. A group of young teens had been standing next to us waiting for the train to pull into the station, looking to their phones and chortling before discussing among themselves while they eyed the pair of us. Captain Ice King had near cleaved them in two with his glare in return. "You've been jumpier than me this afternoon."
"Aren't you unsettle by them staring?" Kasamatsu probed.
"It doesn't bother me," I answered truthfully, though my brow creased as I thought of the giggling gaggle of younger teens from earlier. Kasamatsu sputtered something in response, and I felt the need to explain myself further. "Yukio-Senpai, in case you haven't noticed I'm only scant centimetres shorter than you. That… that isn't normal over here. They're staring at me because I'm literally Gaijinzilla. Unless there's some other reason why'd they be looking?" (4)
"You… you don't know."
"Know what?"
Kasamatsu began scrolling through a feed on his phone like a man possessed. "Here," he said, holding the phone out to me once he'd found whatever it was he wanted me to see.
"What is it – HOLY SHIT!"
"Yes, 'Hory shit' indeed," Kasamatsu concluded. I was too shocked to even compliment his semi-accented English. (5)
As I took in the drawing onscreen, my thoughts raced ahead of me. 'Where had this come from?', 'Why had this… this thing been drawn?', 'How many people knew about this?', 'Is that to scale?', y'know, all sorts of rational things to think when you've just been shown a piece of artwork displaying your Senpai and yourself in a… precarious position.
Unconsciously my eyes drifted from onscreen-Kasamatsu's crotch to the one sat next to me's trousers. "I, er, guess you won't be needing that wine after all, huh?"
Not if the look on onscreen-Leah's face was anything to go by.
That was a little too much for Kasamatsu to take in, and he snatched the phone out of my hands; jamming it back into his jacket pocket with flustered motions. "Can you take this seriously?"
"I am," I protested, "It's just that I'm a tad shocked is all and I cope better with things if I joke about it a little. Who would commission something like that?"
My traitorous little mind piped in that I'd commission something like that if Kasamatsu was that ripped. I shook my head, hoping that a blush hadn't appeared on my cheeks.
"Take one guess?" Kasamatsu growled, curling his lip at an enemy that wasn't present. He'd been off with Kise for the last couple of weeks, and Kise had been the one to prompt my visit… Kise. Kise knew about this.
Kise had been the one to endorse this?!
"I'll kill him."
"You took the words right out of my mouth." Kasamatsu's smile was positively feral.
(1) "I used to say 'F*ck off!', but now I say 'That's nice'." - Mrs Brown's Boys, Series 2 Episode 1
(2) I managed to find some headcanons by a TCon on Tumblr for Kasamatsu's younger brothers. I did ask for permission to use the characters, but haven't received a reply, so all I've used is their names as inspiration for my interpretation of the mysterious younger siblings. I did direct TCon to this story, but if anyone knows of them or can get in contact (and actually get a response), please let them know that I haven't blatantly stolen their characters - I've just borrowed their names and some traits. TCon is apparently on AO3, so why not check out their work? There is absolutely nothing on these two siblings other than that they exist, so their headcanon was the only hope I had over the alternative of creating even more OCs.
(3) Yep! This was the big reveal I promised from the last Chapter.
(4) 'Gaijin' is the term usually used for outsiders or foreigners, and combined with the suffix of '-zilla' (as in Godzilla), we now get Leah's humorous take on what it's like being tall and from abroad while visiting Japan. I'm sure it's not that bad though, Leah can be overly dramatic at times. For reference, Kasamatsu is 178cm (5'10") and Leah 177cm, so there's not much between them!
(5) Please see 'Oh My Engrish' by arch senpai, on YouTube