Author's Note: Well, this is coming to an end. Just a few more chapters left... I'm really going to miss this. It's almost like my baby, the amount of hours I've put into this. Then again, social services would probably have been called, because I only pay attention to it at night... Moving on.
I have ideas for other stories (my mind is about 60% Klaine, 20% Glee, 15% Harry Potter and 5% The Rest Of My Life, so there're always fanfic ideas up there. It's sifting through the crap ones that takes time), but if you've got any requests, feel free to message me, and I'll get right on it.
Disclaimer – I don't own anything. I'm kind of running out of different ways to phrase my lack of ownership.
You, my friend, are an idiot.
I know.
I mean, you've done stupid things before, but this really takes the cake. The cake of stupid.
I know.
God, it's like
WES, I KNOW.
Klaine children, there is going to be a change in the writing dynamic of this history of your parents. Your Uncle David left his laptop, logged on, in plain view of the McKinley Spies. Fortunately, only Mercedes looked through all of his files. So, I guess it could've been worse. We could have been forced to include all of New Directions in this project.
As such, we only had to agree to let Mercedes help with the writing. For the sake of sanity and fluency, we told her that she could have free reign to write about the Klaine Wedding itself, Wes could write about the pre-Wedding, and I get to write about my genius plan.
I still can't believe you didn't tell me about it. I could've helped.
It was my idea. The last time I let you help with an idea, it ended up being half yours.
Ah, yes, the Klaine Chronology.
Actually, I was thinking about the time we added eight sugars to Kurt's Grande Non-Fat Mocha. But, yes, the Chronology too. So, Wes, ready to kick it off?
"I don't understand what I am," Brittany said flatly, looking at herself in the mirror. I looked up from where I was tying my shoe and caught David's eye – he shrugged and gave me a look that said 'Just go with it'. Santana came up behind Brittany and put a hand on her shoulder.
"Well, Britt, you're a beautiful woman with an amazing talent for singing the songs of Ke$ha." Brittany shook her head.
"No – I knew that, obviously, because I'm incredibly talented. I mean, what am I? Wes, David and Finn are all Best Men," Puck held up his hands.
"Whoa, dude, wait, why the hell are there three of you? I thought you were all just groomsmen like the rest of us!" David shrugged from where Rachel was exasperatedly trying to tie his tie.
"They couldn't choose between me and Wes." Finn nodded.
"Yeah, I mean, come on, as brother of the groom-"
"Step-brother!" Someone shouted – I wasn't entirely sure who.
"Whatever! Anyway, as the guy who is as close to a family member as they can get who hasn't already got a job, it was obvious that I was going to be one of the best men. Carry on, Brittany." She stared confusedly at her reflection for a few minutes, and then seemed to pick up her train of thought.
"Yeah, so, they're the Best Men, Santana is Flower Girl, Mercedes is Maid of Honor, Rachel is Matron of Honor-"
"Again, they couldn't choose." Finn piped up. He grimaced. "Well, actually, Rachel kind of insisted she get a 'main part', as she put it. And Mercedes was always guaranteed Maid of Honor, what with being their best girl friend and all."
"So," Brittany said, carrying on as if uninterrupted. "They've all got their parts – what am I?"
"That's easy," Santana said comfortingly. "You're one of the bridesmaids." I could see where this was going.
"...Then, who's the bride?" Santana held up her finger and opened her mouth to answer; her finger flopped forward as she remained silent.
"Oh my God, what the hell are we?" Tina said frantically, looking to Mike for support – he shrugged and silently offered to show her his abs. Mercedes looked smug.
"Rachel, isn't it nice to know precisely what part we play in this wedding?" Rachel nodded.
"I, for one, feel-"
"Okay, Rachel, that's enough from you."
"We should ask Kurt," Quinn said finally. "If anyone's planned this out, he will have." The girls all nodded decisively. David shook his head.
"Does it really matter? It's not like the vows go 'I, Blaine, do take thee, Kurt, and thy girl pals, to be my lawfully wedded husband, to have and to gossip with...'" He was stared down by four angry girls. Fortunately, Kurt chose that moment to stick his head around the door, his eyes shut.
"Is Blaine in here?"
"No," came the chorus back. He opened his eyes, but stayed outside of the room, with only his head remaining inside.
"I don't want you to see what I'm wearing till I walk down the aisle," he said, by way of explanation. "You girls alright?" He said concernedly, catching the looks of confusion and worry on the girls' faces.
"Kurt, what are we?" Tina said, still looking panicked, even after having seen Mike's abs. "We're not exactly bridesmaids; neither of you are brides!" Kurt looked contemplative, and then smiled weakly.
"My bitches? I don't know; what do you want to be?" Lauren nodded.
"I think I can make being your bitch work, Hummel." Santana shrugged.
"Yeah, I can think of worse things. Plus being your bitch makes you sound like a pimp, and then I might get included in your marriage bed." Kurt rolled his eyes as a response, but the grin on his face gave him away.
"Fine. You're all mine and Blaine's bitches. But you're not Santana, because you're my flower girl. So no chance of you getting in my marriage bed." Santana groaned in disappointment, and Kurt looked at the rest of us. "You all okay?" Finn suddenly gasped, drawing the attention of everyone in the room. "Finn?"
"I've just realised – I forgot to give Blaine the 'Have sex with my brother, you die' speech!" Kurt flushed red, and David sniggered.
"Dude, you're way too late for that now." Giggles came from every person in the room except for Finn, who shuddered, and Brittany, who said,
"I don't get it. Why is Finn too late to talk?" Artie shook his head pityingly, but otherwise no one made mention of it.
"Kurt, how long have we got? Have I got enough time to go nab some tots from someone?" Kurt looked Mercedes up and down pointedly, before saying slowly,
"You're wearing cream."
"Your point?" Kurt sighed exasperatedly, as if he felt anyone with any intelligence would understand the significance of 'cream'.
"If you spill anything, those grease stains are going to show up like a bitch in the photos." Mercedes glared at Kurt, who glared back in turn. It was an epic battle of diva stubbornness, and everyone in the room was watching, turning their heads back and forth in a manner commonly seen at tennis matches.
"Kurt, I'm not a kid, I'm not going to spill tots down my dress." Kurt still didn't look appeased, because Mercedes added, "If it helps, I'll wear a bib to protect my dress." Kurt hesitated for a few seconds, and then nodded tiredly. Mercedes squealed, practically ran out of the room, pointedly closing her eyes as she ran past Kurt, and then came back after a few seconds and said to Kurt, her eyes still closed,
"Just so you know, your man is making his way down the hall. If you don't want him to see you..." Kurt's head disappeared before Mercedes had finished speaking, and you could distinctly hear his hurried footsteps heading down the hall.
Sure enough, Blaine walked into the room a few seconds later, his face pale – he was distinctly lacking trousers. There was silence in the room (although I heard Tina whisper to Quinn 'Kurt's so bloody lucky', and there was an approving grunt from Santana), and then Sam said,
"Dude, are you gonna put trousers on? Only I don't think Kurt'll be impressed if he walks down the aisle and sees you in just your boxers."
"I-I can't."
"You... you can't put your trousers on? Why, is it some sort of belief you have, that it's wrong to wear trousers at weddings?" Blaine shook his head mutely at Puck's question, before holding out his hands, which had gone past the stage of shaking – they were flailing.
"I swear to Grilled Cheesus, Blaine, if you've got cold feet..." Finn said threateningly, all of the former New Direction boys, David and I enclosing Blaine in a circle. Blaine shook his head vehemently.
"No! God, I've got the opposite of cold feet – I've got hot feet! Boiling, burning, fiery hot feet! I'm just... What if Kurt realises that I'm not good enough for him?" It's amazing how quickly people can go from very threatening to sympathetic and comforting.
"No, Blaine, you're perfect for Kurt!"
"Yeah, I've never seen two people so well made for each other!"
"You're like the Ron and Hermione of the gay world!" Brittany said happily, from where she'd attached herself to Blaine's side. He smiled at her.
"Thanks, Britt. I know how lucky I am that Kurt's marrying me, and there are moments when I think he's going to come to his senses and realise he could probably marry anyone else..."
"Blaine," David said comfortingly. "I can only think of one possible reason that Kurt would consider leaving you at the alter." He looked at Blaine's legs before saying, "You're not wearing any pants, dude. Put some trousers on, and then you can embark on the wedded life of Klaine. In... An hour and a half." Puck groaned in boredom as Blaine ran out of the room – hopefully to find his pants.
"Why did we have to come get ready so early? And I can't even plan to have sex with one of the bridesmaids, maid or matron of honour, because I've known them all for years." Finn pointed at Puck angrily.
"Watch it, Puckerman, my wife is one of those women."
"I know, and I've already had sex with her."
"Okay!" I said hastily, trying to prevent a fight that was pretty much inevitable once everyone got drunk later. "Look, here's an idea, why don't we all pull a Mercedes, and go find some food? Then – uh, who are you?" A girl had appeared at the door, and Rachel said, shocked,
"Becky? What are you... How did you even know Kurt and Blaine were getting married today?" Becky shrugged.
"Coach told me. Just so you know, you've got a problem. Besides your lack of talent." It must have said a lot about the frequency of this girl's barbs that nobody responded. "Your officiant? He called in sick. Something about food poisoning from the restaurant he always goes to every Tuesday evening." She shrugged again.
"You've got to be kidding me. Kurt is... Kurt's going to kill someone. And it'll probably be me. Or David." Finn said, collapsing in a chair.
"Whoa, wait, why is it going to be me? What have I done?" David said frantically, covering his head with his hands.
"I don't know, dude, but whenever I get angry, I feel like killing you. Nothing personal. What the hell are we going to do?"
"Coach has a proposition." Becky said idly, and everyone looked at her. "Coach knows somebody who'd be more than willing to officiate, free of charge." Quinn raised an eyebrow.
"What's the catch?"
"Yeah," Mike said. "She's hated us for years, why would she help us out now?"
"She doesn't hate Kurt, and she's got nothing against Blaine, so she said she'd be willing to help. If..."
"Ah, here comes the 'you have to give me your first born child' clause." Sam said, laughing manically at the end of his statement. Santana shook her head in exasperation.
"It's nothing major, she just says that you have to agree that you'll let her pick the officiant, with no input from any of you, and you don't get to know who it'll be until the moment the ceremony starts. Deal?" There is a slight pause, and then Finn said,
"Deal. We've got no other options, guys, so we'll just have to bank on the fact that Sylvester doesn't hate Kurt." Becky nodded, and silently left the room.
"Who is this ominous sounding 'Coach', by the way?" I asked the room at large.
"She used to coach the Cheerios, and she hated us because we took away her funding, stole her top Cheerios, and appeared to be going against the status quo. According to her."
"God, your school was like a television drama, I'm serious. What next, a guidance counsellor who is unable to face her own problems?"
"Oh, so you've met Miss Pillsbury, then?"
...Guys, I don't know what to write.
Mercedes, it's not difficult. You just write what you saw.
Why?
Because that's the point. We're providing our own fresh viewpoint on the life and times of Klaine.
So, what do I write?
Just pretend you're a journalist. If it helps, imagine that their children will read this one day.
Oh, that helps. Okay. Let me just read what you put... Right, I know what I'm doing now.
When I got back from my tots mission – completely free of stains – our changing room was in a state. Everyone was flocked around Brittany, looking panicked and frantic as occasionally someone ran to the sink, wet a cloth and ran back to the circle.
"What the hell is going on?" I shouted, causing everyone to turn around.
"Brittany spilled salad dressing on her dress!" Finn said, waving his arms like a madman. "Kurt's going to be livid, and there'll be blood, and we need to sort it out, but water isn't doing anything!" I sighed and elbowed my way to the front. Holding out my hand, I said,
"Get me a towel. Dry. Water isn't going to work. Luckily, I came prepared. Someone go get my purse." It's a nice feeling, power. I can see why Rachel frequently tried to take over the Glee club. My purse appeared in my hand – I rummaged through it, before pulling out my stain remover pen. Wes looked at me like I was a genius, but there were a lot of blank stares.
"I had a feeling Brittany would spill something oil based on somebody, so I packed my pen, just in case." Fortunately, the pen worked its magic, and everyone breathed a sigh of relief.
"Britt, how did you even manage to spill salad dressing on yourself? You weren't even eating salad," Santana said, patting the dress dry.
"Well, I found the salad dressing in Kurt's bag, and it said 'chocolate' flavour on it, so I tried some, but then it squirted out of the bottle too quickly..." There was silence, and then Puck said quietly,
"Let's just pretend we don't know what that means, and go about our merry lives." There were nods of fervent agreement, and then Tina said awkwardly,
"Should we leave? Might take our minds off the salad dressing."
"Yeah," said Wes, shaking his head as if to clear it. "There're only so many times I can comb my hair and tie my shoes."
"Okay, are we ready? We've done this before, so it shouldn't be too difficult," Rachel said, pacing up and down nervously. I could hear the guests assembled in the hall muttering to each other, and, if I peered through the crack in the door, I could see Blaine already standing at the alter – wearing pants, I should add.
"When have you lot been at a wedding?" David said, his foot tapping frantically.
"Mine and Kurt's parents wedding, back in our junior year," Finn said absently, looking the calmest out of everyone assembled, although he was passing the rings rapidly from hand to hand.
"So, we know our order, right?" Rachel said, still pacing. Tina nodded.
"Me and Mike, Puck and Lauren, Artie and Brittany, Sam and Quinn, Santana, Rachel and Wes, Mercedes and David, and then Finn with the rings." Rachel sighed happily.
"Isn't it just so romantic? That they're finally getting married, and it's going to be such a beautiful ceremony!" David scoffed.
"Please, we knew years ago that they were going to be married one day. The amount of times we caught Blaine looking up ways to write wedding vows was almost terrifying."
"We've come a long way, guys, haven't we?" Quinn said from where she was already lightly holding Sam's arm. "This time a few years ago, Kurt and Blaine wouldn't have even been allowed to get married in Ohio, we're not all trying to either kill or have sex with each other, and we haven't been slushied in years."
"Life is good," Santana admitted, already clutching her basket of flowers. "Although, it'd admittedly be better if my dress wasn't riding up my-"
"Okay, guys, you need to start walking now," one of the ushers said, cutting Santana off mid-rant. Tina and Mike, leading the procession of groomsmen and bitches (honestly, bitches...) down the aisle, looked at each other for a long moment, before making their way through the open doors gracefully. As we started walking, David looked at me and grinned.
"You know, it's tradition for the best man and maid of honour to get together after a wedding."
"You're right," I said seriously, nodding. "I need to remind Wes." David glared at me and whacked me on the arm. "Don't hit me, David, I'm wearing cream."
"Oh, please," he whispered as we slowly made our way up the aisle. "Like wearing cream is an excuse."
"It is when Kurt will kill me if I get as much as a smudge on this dress. Now, stop talking to me, we're supposed to be looking sedate." David snorted, and waved subtly at one of the old Warblers – I didn't know any of the other Warblers, so I don't know his name. Oh. Apparently it was someone called Jeff. According to David.
As we got to the alter, Blaine turned subtly to smile at us both, looking a lot calmer than he had earlier. David and I split, me to stand with the other bridesmaids, David to stand with Wes behind Blaine, and I just caught sight of Finn walking down the aisle proudly, waving at various guests. He nodded and grinned at Blaine, standing behind him with Wes and David. There was a pause, and Blaine, who was now facing the front, seemed to be buzzing with anticipation. Then the doors opened.
It'd always been decided that Kurt would be the one to walk down the aisle. Blaine hardly even spoke to his dad anymore, and everyone knew that Burt wouldn't give up the chance to play protective dad one last time. What everyone had seemed to have forgotten, however, was how much Kurt revelled at attention.
Wearing the traditional morning suit and top hat (and my boy was working that hat) and carrying a bouquet of white roses, he was practically skipping up the aisle, smiling radiantly at anyone and everyone. Burt, meanwhile, seemed to be holding his son's arm for dear life, almost as if he was stopping Kurt from running up the aisle to Blaine. Santana leaned towards me and whispered in my ear,
"I'm so turned on by Kurt at the moment. And I haven't been properly attracted to a man in years." Rachel shushed her, and then subtly turned away to wipe her eyes. As I stepped forward to take Kurt's bouquet, I winked at him, and then I saw that Kurt was just as nervous as Blaine had been when he'd come into our room pantless. I patted his arm encouragingly, and as Burt went to take his seat, Kurt took a deep, calming breath, and went to stand beside Blaine. I saw Blaine mouth 'wow' to Kurt, and Kurt smiled back shakily. There was silence again, and then I turned to Rachel.
"Where's the officiant? He was supposed to be here by now..." She shifted her feet awkwardly.
"Ah, yes, you see, the thing is..." The doors burst open, causing everyone to turn around.
"Sorry I'm late, people, but the traffic was awful. Oh, wait, no it wasn't, I just wanted to make my dramatic entrance."
"Oh, hell no," I said quietly as I watched Sue Sylvester make her way up the aisle. "Tell me you didn't." Rachel blinked owlishly.
"We... We didn't know she would be doing it!" Kurt, whose jaw had dropped open at the sight of Sue, suddenly seemed to find his voice.
"Why are you here, and what did you do to our officiant?"
"Well, apparently your greasy haired officiant's stomach reacts badly to milk that is out of date by twelve days. Which is unfortunate, considering someone slipped it into his coffee when he was at a restaurant on Tuesday. So, being the caring person I am, I offered to fill in, and your friends said yes." Kurt turned towards us, looking like he wasn't sure whether to laugh or scream.
"Kurt, we didn't know she was offering to officiate herself!" Blaine put a hand on Kurt's shoulder and whispered in his ear, causing Kurt to stifle a giggle.
"Miss Sylvester, is it?" Blaine said politely.
"Mrs, actually."
"Right, Mrs Sylvester, are you legally capable of marrying Kurt and I?" She nodded.
"I got my license off the internet years ago." Blaine turned to Kurt, who just shrugged as if to say 'whatever'. Blaine nodded, before turning to Sue.
"Okay, thank you for offering. If you'd... uh... Like to make a start?" Sue clapped her hands.
"Excellent. Let's get this show on the road."
"Friends, countrymen, lend me your ears," she began; I caught Kurt's eye, and looked away before I would start to giggle.
"The step which these two men are about to take is the most important into which human beings can come. It is a union of two people founded upon mutual respect, affection and flamboyant sex." I heard Kurt sigh exasperatedly, and the tips of Finn's ears turned red. Sue turned to Kurt and Blaine and continued.
"Your lives will change, your responsibilities will increase, but your joys, both in and out of the marriage bed will be multiplied if you are sincere and earnest with your pledge to one another." I could see that Burt looked torn between laughter and getting out the trusty shotgun – there was no such dilemma on Carole's face, because she'd already started crying into a handkerchief. Sue turned to Blaine.
"Hobbit." Blaine winced. "Will you have this man to be your wedded husband, to love him, comfort him, honor and keep him, and forsaking all others, keep you only unto him, for so long as you both shall live?" Blaine turned to Kurt with an expression of such wonder and awe on his face that I could feel myself start to well up; I felt Quinn press a handkerchief into my hand.
"I will," he said sincerely. Sue nodded, before turning to Kurt.
"Porcelain." Kurt rolled his eyes, but there was a small smile on his face. "Will you have this man to be your wedded husband, to love him, comfort him, honor and keep him, and forsaking all others, keep you only unto him, so long as you both shall live?" I could only see the back of his head from my vantage point, but the expression on his face must have been something amazing, because all the guys on the opposite side suddenly felt the need to stare at their shoes, biting their lips.
"I will," Kurt said quietly, causing Blaine's face to spilt into a huge smile.
"Take hands and repeat after me," Sue said; they did so, Blaine still smiling widely.
"I, Hobbit,"
"I, Blaine," he said pointedly.
"Take you, Porcelain,"
"Take you, Kurt,"
"To be my wedded husband,"
"To be my wedded husband,"
"To have and to hold,"
"To have and to hold,"
"For better for worse,"
"For better for worse,"
"For richer for poorer,"
"For richer for poorer,"
"To love and to cherish, from this day forward."
"To love and to cherish, from this day forward." Sue turned to Kurt, who was glaring at her. She seemed to take the hint, because she said,
" I, Kurt," Kurt nodded and repeated,
"I, Kurt,"
"Take you, Blaine,"
"Take you, Blaine,"
"To be my wedded husband,"
"To be my wedded husband,"
"To have and to hold,"
"To have and to hold,"
"For better for worse,"
"For better for worse,"
"For richer for poorer,"
"For richer for poorer,"
"To love and to cherish, from this day forward."
"To love and to cherish, from this day forward." I caught sight of Mr Shue and Miss Pillsbury in the seats, both of them smiling and crying. In fact, I think everyone was either openly crying or trying to hide it, even Puck.
"Do you have a ring for the grooms?" Finn stepped forward and handed both Kurt and Blaine their respective rings before stepping back into his place, wiping his eyes on his sleeve. I swear, if Kurt hadn't been too busy getting married, he'd have gone mental. "Please place the ring on each other's finger and say: With this ring, I thee wed." Blaine gently lifted Kurt's hand first and said softly,
"With this ring, I thee wed." Now, I know my boy Kurt – he cries at the end of 'The Little Mermaid' every single time he watches it. So, there's no way he wasn't crying at that moment. Nevertheless, when he put the ring on Blaine's finger and said,
"With this ring, I thee wed," his voice was steady and clear. Sue sniffed, before saying,
"Let these rings be given and received as a token of your affection, sincerity and fidelity to one another." Then she turned to the guests. "In as much as Kurt and Blaine have consented together in wedlock and have witnessed the same before this company, and pledged their vows to each other, by the authority vested in me by the Internet, I now pronounce you married. You may now kiss each other." The hall erupted into cheers as Blaine dipped Kurt into a kiss. However, when people realised that the kiss was going on for ages, and was starting to get a little handsy, we all coughed loudly, drawing them out of their self-indulged make-out.
I stepped forward to hand Kurt his bouquet back, and he leaned forward and whispered,
"How'd I do?"
"Brilliant, baby," I whispered back, drawing him into a tight hug. I turned to Blaine and pulled him into a hug, and then whispered,
"You hurt my baby, just so you know – I know how to cut a bitch."
Well, we're here. David is back in the writer's chair, children of Klaine, ready to write about the epicness that is My Grand Plan.
What, the wedding reception?
No. But I will write about that. I'm not going to leave my best man speech out of the Chronicle, am I? But, it occurs to me, as I have already got a paper copy of My Grand Plan
Must it be capitalised?
Yes. As I already have a paper copy of it, I can simply stick it into the end of the Chronicles once we print it off. Okay. Moving on to the reception.
We first realised there would be a problem when the music started for Kurt and Blaine's first dance – the instrumental version of 'Come What May', of course. Traditionally, what follows next is the Father/Daughter dance – or, in this case, the Burt/Kurt dance. No, the problem was that it was very difficult to do the Mother/Son dance when said son's parents refused to speak to him. When I mentioned so much to Rachel, she stared at me in horror, and mouthed things such as 'bitch' and other such blasphemous words. Luckily, Mercedes overheard, took me by the hand, and dragged me off to where Burt and Carole were sitting.
"Burt, Carole, we've got a problem. Blaine's mom isn't here – how are we supposed to do the Mother/Son dance?" Burt shrugged, and Carole bit her lip.
"Well, if Blaine doesn't think I'm imposing, I'd be more than happy to fill in – I think of him like my own son, so it'd be a privilege for me to dance with him." Mercedes looked at me.
"Yeah, he'd love that. He did say he preferred you two to his own parents anyway, so..." As the song drew to a close, Kurt looked expectantly towards Burt, and we all saw the dawning resignation in Blaine's face when he realised he'd have to sit down. Burt and Carole both stood up, and as Carole made her way over to Blaine and whispered to him, I saw his face light up in happiness, before he nodded ecstatically. Mercedes sighed happily as she watched them dance and took my arm.
"I want my wedding to be like this. And I want to love my in-laws this much."
"My parents like you," I said absently, causing Mercedes to look at me in confusion.
"Isn't this great?" Puck said happily, bounding over and throwing an arm around both of us. I guessed he was already making his way to being drunk. "All of us, together again, watching the happy couple doing the pre-sex ritual... So romantic."
"Puckerman, you've just taken one of the most romantic things in the world and turned it into sex. I don't know whether to be horrified or impressed."
"Hey, David," Puck said, ignoring Mercedes. "Aren't you supposed to be announcing the speeches?"
"Yeah... In fact, I'd best go get ready for that now." I waved to Mercedes, who was glaring at me for leaving her with Puck, and made my way to the table. I didn't need cue cards, as I knew my speech by heart, the amount of times I'd run through it, so as everyone slowly made their own way to the table, I was able to concentrate on people watching.
All of the former New Directions were sat at the Head Table with Wes and I, Burt and Carole and the happy couple, laughing and throwing napkins at each other. Wes was engaged in deep conversation with Burt – probably about sport – while Carole looked on fondly. Kurt and Blaine, meanwhile, were just looking at the table, huge smiles on their faces – I saw Kurt subtly pinch his own arm, followed swiftly by Blaine repeating the action. I tapped my fork on my glass.
"Ladies and Gentleman, if I could have your attention please?" Slowly, everyone stopped their conversations and turned their heads towards me. "Thank you. It is my great pleasure and honor to introduce the first of our speakers tonight, Burt Hummel, father of the groom." There was a long applause as Burt stood up, with the occasional cheer from the New Directions end of the table. Burt turned to Kurt and Blaine, and started to speak.
"When I first laid eyes on my son, I knew, straight away, that he was my boy, and I'd love him no matter what. And sure, we had our ups and downs, but what I see before me today is not my little boy, but a man – a man who's ready to settle down and raise a family of his own.
Both Kurt and Blaine have come a long way from when they first met each other, and it's with open arms that I welcome Blaine into the Hudmel family. Sure, we're dysfunctional, we have our moments, but I think it's true that Blaine will always be seen as one of us from now on. So, I'd like to lead you in raising your glasses to the happy couple. To my son, Kurt, and his husband Blaine!"
"To Kurt and Blaine!" Came the resounding cheer in reply, before everyone clapped and took swigs of their champagne. Once the applause had died down, and Kurt had managed to compose himself, Finn stood up, and grinned at them both.
"Okay, as one of the best men, it's kind of my duty to make a speech but, as you're all probably aware, me and speaking don't go very well, so I'll keep this brief... Kurt is, pretty much, my little brother, even if he is older than me, so I'm so proud that he's married happily to the guy he used to spend days swooning over in his bedroom." There were disloyal sniggers from certain members of the audience, and Kurt glared at Finn. "So... I'll be honest, I didn't really prepare a speech, because I knew there were two other best men to follow... Um, a toast to the happy couple?" He questioned, as if he wasn't sure what he was supposed to be doing. Fortunately, the guests responded cheerfully, and toasted Kurt and Blaine again.
"Well," Wes said, standing up. "I don't really have much to say either that isn't about to be echoed by David in a few minutes. But I'd just like to say that without Kurt and Blaine, I'd have never met many of the amazing people you see here today, so I'd not only like to toast to their happiness, but I'd also like to thank them, for introducing me to some of the best friends I've ever made." Wes raised his glass, and the guests followed suit. This was it. My big moment.
"I knew, being the last best man to make his speech, that it'd have to be long, because Finn and Wes would bank on me doing a longer speech. So, I thought long and hard about the message I wanted to get across. And I think I've found the perfect way to illuminate the love I think Kurt and Blaine feel for each other." I turned to Kurt and Blaine and said, sincerely,
"Kurt, before you met Blaine, he was a wreck. Things were kind of heavy, and then you brought him to life. Now every February you'll be his Valentine, Valentine. Although, Blaine, that doesn't mean you can chase Kurt around the Gap. At all." I knew I couldn't look at Wes or Finn, because I could feel them shaking with laughter either side of me, and, as best man, it was imperative for me to maintain a straight face through my speech.
"You could go all the way tonight – note the word 'tonight', because we don't want you getting into the habit of married PDA. There will be no regrets, just love. You can dance until you die, Kurt and Blaine, you'll be young forever." I suddenly caught sight of Kurt, who was frantically writing on a napkin in… Was that gravy?
"Kurt, you make Blaine feel like he's living a teenage dream, the way you turn him on, he doesn't sleep. But please, don't runaway, and come back, because I don't think we can cope if you leave…" Kurt hurriedly held up his napkin, which had 'Provide Backing!' hastily scrawled across it. I nudged Wes and Finn as Kurt stood up and started to sing. Fortunately, Blaine drilled 'Teenage Dream' permanently into all of the Warbler's heads, and New Directions had the spooky ability of being able to provide backing vocals to any and every song.
"Let's go all the way tonight
No regrets, just love
We can dance until we die
You and I, we'll be young forever," Kurt pulled Blaine out of his seat, onto the dance floor and started spinning them both around gracefully as he sang.
"You make me feel like I'm living a teenage dream
The way you turn me on, I can't sleep
Let's runaway and don't ever look back
Don't ever look back." In a move that he would never have normally performed in front of a huge crowd of people, Kurt grabbed both of Blaine's hands and put them on his ass, drawing cheers from all the New Directions and Warblers present.
"I'ma get your heart racing in my skin-tight jeans
Be your teenage dream tonight" Blaine grinned at Kurt, and leaned his forehead against Kurt's before singing softly,
"You make me feel like I'm living a teenage dream
The way you turn me on, I can't sleep
Let's runaway and don't ever look back
Don't ever look back" Both of them looked like they were torn between laughter and tears as they joined together in perfect, awe inducing harmony. If it had been anyone else, I'd have found it somewhat sickening. As it was Klaine, I could feel myself welling up.
"My heart stops when you look at me
Just one touch, now baby I believe
This is real, so take a chance
And don't ever look back, don't ever look back" And then, in an amazingly Disney like manner, all of the guests stood up, joined hands and belted out the last verse.
"I'ma get your heart racing in my skin-tight jeans
Be your teenage dream tonight
Let you put your hands on me in my skin-tight jeans
Be your teenage dream tonight."
…David, are you crying?
No.
Mercedes agrees with me – you're crying.
Shut up.
"Guys, Blaine's about to toss the bouquet!" Kurt said, coming over to where a large group of us was stood. As most of the girls left, Lauren rolled her eyes.
"This whole aspect of a wedding is desperate, pathetic, and not at all worthy of my attention." I looked at her shrewdly.
"You're still going to try to catch the bouquet, aren't you?"
"Obviously." I grinned after her as she hurried to where the steadily growing crowd was gathering by Blaine, before turning to Kurt.
"Why's Blaine tossing the bouquet?" He shrugged.
"He wanted to. Something about 'sharing bridal responsibilities'. And no, before you ask, neither of us is wearing a garter." There was a sudden cheer as the bouquet flew up into the air, before a collective groan as it landed in a somewhat surprised Mercedes's arms. She looked around the room in shock, before catching my eye and shrugging. Kurt looked at me for a minute, before saying,
"Look, David, would you just ask her out already? You're not teenagers."
"Huh? I don't know what you're…" He sighed and held up a hand.
"David, I'm a gay man. Trust me when I say I'm more in tune with feelings than the average male."
"Isn't that stereotyping?"
"Possibly. And don't change the subject."
Now, whether I did ask Mercedes out or not, whilst a riveting story, is not necessary in 'The Chronicles of Klaine'. 'The Mavid Diaries', perhaps. So, moving on.
"David," Wes said. "Why are you holding a huge book and a pen?" I gestured to the book.
"It's all part of the plan. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to find Artie."
Author's Note: The next chapter will be uploaded fairly soon, to apologize for how long this one took. This one is actually the second copy of this chapter, because the first one was a bit crap. And when I say 'bit crap', that is a euphemism for 'my eyes bled extensively from the sheer magnitude of awful'.