Chapter 14 – Surviving

"Here," Clarke said, holding out a wooden plate of dried meats. "You should eat."

Finn ran his hand through his hair as he sat up straighter. "I'm not very hungry."

"I know," Clarke replied. "But you should eat anyway."

Clarke knew exactly how he felt, but not eating wouldn't do either of them any good. They still had a long journey ahead of them and they were going to need their strength. But it was hard to really care when Raven was still lying there in bed, her leg bandaged and her face still pale from the loss of blood.

Raven had been in and out of consciousness all evening. She kept telling Finn that it was because Raven had been through a huge trauma and her body needed to rest, but it didn't seem to make him feel any better. She knew it was to be expected that Raven was going to sleep a lot, and Clarke was just relieved she had woken up at all.

"Raven would want you to," Clarke added after a few moments.

Finn hesitated but took the plate from her. "You're right. If she was awake, she'd be trying to steal from the plate."

Clarke smiled. "I'll bring a plate for her for when she wakes up."

"Thanks," Finn said, sighing, and slumping down in his seat again.

"Have you slept at all?" Clarke asked, noticing how red Finn's eyes were and how rundown he looked.

"Have you?" Finn countered.

"It's kind of hard to sleep right now," Clarke replied.

"Why?" Finn asked. "We're safe here, right? Or are you just worried about everyone?"

"Partly," Clarke replied.

"And the other part?" Finn asked.

Clarke shook her head. "It's nothing."

They fell silent, but she could see out of the corner of her eye that Finn was watching her. When he finally looked away, she thought the subject was closed, but then a few moments later he said, "This isn't your fault."

"What?" Clarke asked.

"This," he said. "Raven. Stop feeling guilty. It isn't your fault. We knew the dangers, but we still did it. You didn't decide for us, so you can't blame yourself."

Clarke sighed. "If I just kept you out of it—"

"No," Finn interrupted, shaking his head. "And you didn't pull me into it. I put myself into it. I got Lexa to let me help get you out. I asked to know the truth."

"So, you don't think Raven will hate me?" Clarke asked.

"Of course not," Finn replied, shaking his head. "She knew it was dangerous, but she still wanted to help. Besides, if it wasn't for us doing what we did, we'd all be dead soon and none of this would even matter. You've saved us all."

"I didn't save anyone," Clarke argued. "If anyone saved us, it's you and Raven and Lexa."

"I don't think you give yourself enough credit, Clarke," Finn replied. "If you hadn't convinced Lexa to do this, Arkadia may be completely destroyed right now. Her men would have come in and not cared who all they killed if it meant stopping this thing. And I wouldn't exactly blame them, but that would have really sucked for those of us that were there. Raven may have been hurt, but at least she's still alive."

Clarke wished she could believe Finn, and some part of her knew he was right, but she still couldn't help feeling like she'd let everyone down. If her plan had just worked from the beginning and if she hadn't gotten caught, Raven wouldn't be hurt, Bellamy and Octavia wouldn't be on the run, and Wells wouldn't be captured.

"Raven isn't going to hate you," Finn reiterated. "I mean, she's forgiven me plenty of times."

"You haven't gotten her shot," Clarke replied.

"No, but I did drop a hot poker on her foot once," Finn said. "It burned right through her shoe. She has a huge scar on her foot. She wasn't even really mad at me for it." Finn shrugged. "She just said the scar made her look even more badass. Trust me—Raven doesn't hold a grudge. She'll probably just thank you for saving her."

"I wish I could believe you," Clarke replied.

"You don't have to believe me," Finn said. "You just have to wait until she wakes up again and then you'll see that I'm right. And I guarantee she'll also comment about having a new scar to make her look even more badass. Because that's Raven. She's always been a fighter and she always tries to find the good in even a shitty situation. And if she can forgive her mom for the things she's done, she definitely isn't going to blame you for something that's not even your fault."

Clarke sighed and looked over at Raven. "I guess we'll see."

"Yeah, we will," Finn replied.

Clarke nodded to the guard as he opened the tent flap for her. When she walked into Lexa's tent, she quickly realized the Commander was not alone. There were four others in the tent with her, all circled around her table, looking down at the papers that sat on top. Lexa was staring down at the table, a slight crease between her eyebrows, as one of the men talked. After a moment, though, she looked up and locked eyes with Clarke.

"They are weak here," he said, jabbing his finger toward what Clarke now realized was a map. "This is where we should attack.

"That is why they will expect us to attack there," Lexa calmly said. "Now, I have other business to attend to."

"Heda—"

"Leave us," Lexa interrupted.

The man nodded but seemed reluctant to do so. Clarke could see how tense they were, and she could tell they were not pleased to be dismissed for her.

"You wished to see me, Commander?" Clarke said as the four men passed by her.

"Yes, come in," Lexa replied.

Clarke walked toward Lexa, stopping on the other side of the table and glancing down. She didn't know if Lexa was okay with her seeing everything, but since she made no move to put the papers away, she figured it was okay. When she looked down, there were drawings of what she assumed was the layout of the area around the mountain.

"My scouts have been sending back reports," Lexa said. "Most of them have died, but they've managed to send some useful information before their deaths."

"I'm sorry," Clarke replied.

"They sacrificed for their people; there is no need to be sorry," Lexa said.

Clarke nodded. "Right."

Since finding out the truth about Lexa being the Commander, Clarke couldn't help wondering if her appearing not to care was an act. Considering how Lexa seemed to do everything for her people, she found it hard to believe that Lexa was so nonchalant about their deaths. Yes, it was for the greater good, but she still didn't believe Lexa was completely unaffected by it. Clarke wondered if it was just her way of coping. Like if she didn't show emotion then she wouldn't feel it as much.

"I was told Raven is awake," Lexa said after a few moments.

"Yes, she awoke just before dusk," Clarke replied.

"Is there anything I should have sent?" Lexa asked.

Clarke shook her head but stopped. "Actually, Nyko said there is a plant around here that is known for relieving pain. But he also said they had used the last of it a while ago. I was wondering if it would be possible to send someone out to gather it. Or if someone could tell me what it looks like, I could go myself."

"It would be dangerous and I cannot ask someone to go," Lexa replied. "But I will see if there are any volunteers."

"Thank you," Clarke said.

"Now, we have a few things we need to discuss," Lexa stated. "The ambassador for the Floukru arrived this afternoon with leaders from several of their villages."

"Were those the four men who just left?" Clarke asked.

Lexa gave her a brisk nod. "They want to attack Mount Weather in two days' time."

"Two days?" Clarke said, leaning against the table. "That's insane."

"I agree," Lexa replied. "We need to strike as soon as possible, but we cannot be prepared in two days. It will take longer than that for all of my army to arrive in Polis. We have struck a blow to them, but we must not underestimate the Mountain. They will be ready for us and we must be prepared if we wish to finally rid ourselves of them. Attacking too soon will only result in great loses on our side. We cannot rush into battle. But that does not mean we can rest."

"What is your plan?" Clarke wondered.

Lexa sighed. "I don't know. My army will outnumber theirs, but that will not matter if we cannot get inside. And we have been unsuccessful with getting close to any of their doors. Even with our numbers, I don't know if we can overpower them. With the artificial intelligence controlling everything around Mount Weather, we cannot hope for a mistake that we can use to our advantage. Because it does not make mistakes."

"We'll think of something," Clarke promised. "We didn't come this far to fail now. I know people are anxious to destroy the Mountain, but we have time. Raven made sure of that." Clarke paused as she looked over at Lexa. We'll figure it out. We'll finish what we started when you first spoke to me in the pub." She gave Lexa a slight smile. "I promise."

Clarke stared at the fire in front of her, finding herself slightly hypnotized by the flames dancing around. She was exhausted, but she was almost too tired to go to sleep. Which is how she found herself sitting outside, in front of the fire.

Even though it was late, she wasn't the only one still out. The people in the village were still working, and she wondered if they did this every night or if it was because Lexa was there. She could see in their eyes how much they all respected her any time she left her tent and passed by the villagers. It was the complete opposite of Arkadia. These people weren't wary of their leader; these people revered her.

As she watched a woman with her small child, Clarke couldn't help feeling a pang in her chest. She wished her mother and father could be there. She felt like they would know exactly what to do while Clarke felt like she was growing more and more lost. She'd discussed strategies with Lexa, attempted to ease Raven's discomfort, and had represented the people of Arkadia while talking to the Floukru ambassador, but she felt like she had failed at all of it. The whole time, in the back of her mind, she was terrified she would make a wrong decision and it would lead to more deaths.

Clarke wiped away her tears before they could fall. She kept thinking about her father and how he always seemed to know exactly what to say or do. He was the kind of person the people of Arkadia could always depend on. Now he wasn't even himself and he may never be again. For all she knew, he wasn't even alive. Just like her mom and all of her friends.

It was the thing she probably feared most. That they would all be killed simply for knowing her. Even the ones who knew nothing about what happened or why were probably still vulnerable. From everything she knew about the Mountain and about the people who were helping the AI, she had little doubt they would torture and kill her friends and family to set an example. Or to just get information out of them. Information they may or may not have.

"You gonna stare at that all night?"

Clarke looked up at Finn, who was standing on the other side of the fire. When he walked around the fire and took a seat next to her, she noticed he had a new coat on, one that looked like it was made from animal furs.

"Where did you get that?" Clarke asked, nodding toward the coat.

"Oh, uh, Lexa saw me walking around earlier without a coat, so she had someone bring it to me," Finn replied. "She's actually not so bad."

"No, she isn't," Clarke agreed.

Finn smiled. "Of course you'd say that."

"What does that mean?" Clarke asked.

"That means you like her," Finn replied. "Even after she kidnapped you and threatened you if I remember you telling me the story correctly."

"I—" Clarke closed her mouth.

"And you can't even lie and say you don't," Finn said.

Clarke rolled her eyes. "We have more important things to worry about, Finn."

"Do we?" Finn asked. "Because I'm pretty sure there's nothing we can do right now, and if I don't find something to take my mind off it, I'm going to go crazy. So I think this is the perfect time to talk about it."

"I'm not going to talk about this," Clarke firmly said.

"Why?" Finn asked. "Afraid you'll admit the truth?"

"Finn—" Clarke sighed.

The truth was Clarke didn't entirely know what she felt for Lexa. She had instantly been attracted to her at the pub and had found herself falling for her more every time she spent time with her. But after Lexa had held a dagger to her throat and kidnapped her, things had obviously changed. She was still attracted to Lexa, but it was hard to forgive everything that had happened. She understood why Lexa had done it, but it was hard to ignore that Lexa had lied to her about everything when they met. Sometimes she felt like she was dealing with two entirely different people—Lexa and the Commander.

"Alright," Finn said with a shrug of his shoulders. "I just thought it'd take both of our minds off things. You looked like you were worrying again."

"I always worry," Clarke replied.

"Well, you shouldn't," Finn said. "Everything's gonna be okay."

"You can't know that," Clarke quietly replied before standing up and walking away.

Clarke heard a twig snapping and paused, listening for any sound that would tell her she wasn't alone. There was nothing but the rustle of the limbs and the sound of something skittering across the ground, though, so Clarke began walking again.

She didn't even know where she was going, but she did know she needed to get out of the village. Now that it was a new day, everyone was out of their homes as they went about their everyday lives, and Clarke didn't really want to be around so many people at the moment. Even if no one was saying anything to her or really even acknowledging her existence, it was still too much. She needed to be alone even if it was only for a few hours.

Clarke froze, hearing what sounded an awful lot like leaves crunching under someone's foot. Her heart instantly started pounding and she slowly began pulling the dagger out of the back of her pants. Before she had freed the blade completely, though, she felt a hand wrap tightly around her wrist and the dagger was pulled out of her grasp.

"You shouldn't be out here alone, Clarke," Lexa said from behind her. "It isn't safe. You never know who could be out here with you."

"How long have you been following me?" Clarke asked.

"One of the guards informed me the moment you left," Lexa said, releasing Clarke's wrist. "I wondered how long it would take you to know I was following you. You really need to be more observant. If I had been anyone else, you would have been dead the moment you stepped outside the gates."

"I'll keep that in mind," Clarke replied, rubbing her wrist.

"You should also always have your weapon by your side," Lexa added. "It takes too long to reach behind your back. You will be dead before you ever have it in your hand."

"Is this your way of showing you care?" Clarke joked.

Lexa opened her mouth for a moment but closed it and held out the dagger she had given to Clarke while in Polis. "Show me how you would hold this."

Clarke took the dagger with a frown and gripped the handle. "Like this."

Before Clarke could even realize what was happening, Lexa had knocked the dagger out of her hand and had her hand on Clarke's throat.

"Try again," Lexa instructed as she released Clarke.

Clarke picked up the dagger, partly expecting Lexa to attack while she was vulnerable, but the other woman remained rooted to the spot. When Clarke had the dagger in her hand again, Lexa took a step forward and repositioned her thumb.

"If you put it here you will have better control," Lexa stated. "However, you will never win a fight if you stand the way you are standing."

"And what is wrong with the way I'm standing?" Clarke asked.

"Move your feet apart a little more," Lexa said, hitting Clarke's foot with her own. "You're leaning back too much on your right leg. You should stand equally on them." Lexa reached down, pushing on the back of Clarke's leg. "Bend your knees a little. And always make sure you protect yourself with your other arm. It may get injured, but at least you will not drop your weapon if it does. Now, attack me again."

Clarke shook her head. "I'm never going to be able to win against someone who has been training their whole life."

"It's not about winning," Lexa replied. "It is about surviving."

"So, is that what we're doing right now?" Clarke asked. "Surviving?"

"You have to survive to be able to defeat the enemy, Clarke," Lexa replied. "Now, block my attack."

It took Clarke a moment to register what Lexa had just said. She immediately found herself in the defense, backing up as Lexa came at her swiftly and with more force than Clarke had expected.

She tried to block Lexa's attack, but she soon found herself lying on the cold, hard ground, staring up at the other woman.

"Let's try again," Lexa said.

"You know, I really just wanted to have a few hours to myself," Clarke remarked as she looked up at Lexa. "I wasn't planning on an impromptu fighting lesson."

"There's never a bad time to learn to defend yourself, Clarke," Lexa replied. "It is something you should have learned years ago."

"It wasn't exactly a priority in Arkadia," Clarke said, sitting up. "If we were taught anything, it was to defend the city with guns."

"Yes, and your reliance on those weapons is one of your people's weaknesses," Lexa replied. "The only thing you should rely on is yourself."

"Then why am I using this?" Clarke asked, holding up the dagger.

"One step at a time," Lexa replied.

"You have been very silent," Lexa commented as they walked through the forest.

"I thought you preferred the quiet," Clarke replied, glancing at Lexa out of the corner of her eye. "If I recall, you once told me my people were afraid of silence."

"That hasn't stopped you before," Lexa said, and Clarke could see that she was watching her. "The only time you are silent is when you have something on your mind. Is that why you came out here to be alone?"

Clarke paused for a few moments before saying, "Yes."

"You are still worried," Lexa said, and it was more of a statement than a question. "About the people you left behind."

"Among other things," Clarke replied.

"Is this also about your friend?" Lexa asked.

Clarke nodded. "I checked on her this morning." Clarke took a deep breath and slowly released it. "Her leg is numb and I'm afraid there could be nerve damage. If there is, she's going to need more help than I can give her. She's going to need my mom and medical supplies that we don't have here. Even then, there's no guarantee she'll ever be able to walk normally again."

"You still feel responsible," Lexa said.

"That usually isn't something that just goes away in an instant," Clarke replied. "As much as I wish it would."

"Does Raven hold you responsible?" Lexa asked. "You have spoken to her since she's been awake, haven't you?"

Clarke frowned. "Yes."

"And has she told you she believes it is your fault?" Lexa asked.

"No," Clarke replied.

"Then you have your answer," Lexa said. "She does not hold you responsible and neither should you, Clarke. You and Raven have both done what you needed to do. All of this is just a part of war. And in war, there are sacrifices that must be made in order to win. This war started long before you and your friends joined it. Many lives have already been lost. Many sacrifices have already been made. Raven has succeeded where others have not; she has given us our first victory in the war. You should both be happy."

"I'll be happier when I know she's going to be okay," Clarke replied.

"Are you still going to remain with us?" Lexa asked.

"What do you mean?" Clarke asked back.

"No one is forcing you to be here," Lexa replied. "You're free to go if you wish. I was wondering if you plan on staying or if you were going to leave now that our work in Arkadia is done. I know you were only with us because you were worried about what may happen to your home, but now that the threat is gone from there, we have no reason to attack it."

Clarke paused. It hadn't really crossed her mind to leave now. Lexa was right, though—she had helped them to ensure that Lexa wouldn't march an army on Arkadia, but now that she had no reason to do that, Clarke could go. Still, she couldn't imagine leaving now when they still had Mount Weather to defeat. She may not be the best fighter or strategist, but she felt like she needed to help in any way she could. After all, all of their lives were in danger as long as the AI still existed. She knew it wasn't going to give up just because they set its plans back.

"I can't really go home, so I guess I'll just stay with you and your people," Clarke said as she began walking again. "If that's alright with you."

"You are welcome to stay in Polis," Lexa replied.

Clarke nodded her thanks. Polis wasn't quite home, but she guessed it was the closest she was going to come to it. She knew she would probably be safer there than anywhere else and at least not everyone was a complete stranger. Not that she would exactly call anyone in Polis a friend, but at least Lincoln was friendly enough, and some of the women who had taken care of her while she was there didn't seem to mind her being there.

"I wonder if I'll ever be able to go back to Arkadia again," Clarke softly said.

"I can't say it will be the same place you left, but I think you will be able to if that is what you want," Lexa replied. "We will figure out how to stop the Mountain and what is within it for good. Once that is done and your people know the truth, they will welcome you back. You will probably be a hero to them."

"I don't want to be a hero," Clarke said, shaking her head. "I just want to save the people I care about."

"No," Lexa said, looking over at her as they walked. "You want to save everyone. You care about people; even people you don't know. You want to save everyone just as I do."

"But we both know we won't be able to save everyone," Clarke replied.

Lexa nodded. "But we will do what we can."

"I just hope that's enough," Clarke said with a light sigh.