Kai-Chan94: Thanks you for being the first to review on chapter 13! I'm so glad you liked it :)
CircleKV12: Thank you for reviewing again :) It's great to read you really empathize with Heero. He is so irresistibly cute ;) I'm definitely looking forward to any and all Duo/Heero action as well. I'll see what I can do about the kissing.
Dragon1727: Thank you for your long review! Heero is definitely trying very hard and I'm glad you appreciate his slow but steady progress. I hope you will enjoy this update.
Nikki: Hahaha, a "booboo" :) Yeah, he had it coming. It might not have been nice of Heero to get into a full-blown physical fight with Duo, but I think it shows - in a very Heero-like way - that he really cares and feels. He just doesn't know how to express himself without kneeing someone in the groin... yet ;) In regards to you ps: physical contact will increase, Duo might sneak in a glomp or two soon :) Thank you for leaving another kind review, I hope you will enjoy this chapter.
Starless-ocean: Thank you for taking the time to comment :) You'll see (read) was happens with the Sookie-situation, I hope you won't be disappointed.
Angelyn: Poor Heero is struggling with his feelings, including a bit of jealousy ;) Thank you for reviewing!
Loopyfanficer: Thanks for reviewing and thanks for all the love :)
Through The Trapped Door: Thank you for reviewing. They really are perfect for each other. In the perfect world they would make an epilogue OVA to the series and Endless Waltz in which all our fan-girl dreams came true :D
Demise Angel: I'm so happy you are happy to be one of the people :) Thank you for leaving another review. I hope you can be patient with me ;)
Anon: The reason I had Heero knee him in the groin is because I have him pegged for an act-react kind of person. As a trained soldier with no understanding of normal social conduct and what is considered foul and what not, a knee below the belt is a straightforward and certain way to get someone off from on top of you. And it formed the climax of an escalating fight that came to an abrupt end afterward because it made Heero realize he had hurt his friend (I figure Duo could mask his pain at being kicked and thrown, but being kneed in the home-entertainment center is something no man can easily shake off). I hope this sufficiently explains my motivation. Thank you for leaving a comment :)
Author's note:
I was so driven to continue to write, so I did, but it soon got late and time for bed and the next day, homework called... Forgive me? Maybe this - later than planned - update will make things alright?
About this chapter:
WARNING there is a bit of sexual reference in this one.
Also, I referred to the past of the pilots and a tidbit of colony history and this is totally made up, I've never read any of the GW manga so I don't know how the series intended everything to be. I kinda like it, because it leaves me with a lot of freedom for my own interpretation and I hope you guys like it too :)
Warheads
Part XIV - Share
We walked home, shielded under the umbrella. The only sound to be heard was the steady fall of the rain. Droplets hammered down on the dark blue canvas over our heads, on our shoes, on the street and on the sides of the buildings. The noise was deafening and drowned out even the sloshing of my shoes - I saw no point in getting the second pair soaked - and passing traffic. Cars were nothing more than twin pairs of white and red lights as they traveled through the cascade of water. We walked close to the buildings, out of reach from jokers who liked to speed through the deep puddles by the side of the road and get us wetter than we already were, creating tidal waves on the sidewalks.
Heero was holding the umbrella this time, dutifully. He didn't seem to mind the contact as we walked shoulder to shoulder. He embraced his task of holding up our shield against the rain and no doubt felt protected from uncomfortable conversation by the loud roar of the early spring rain.
I was lost in my own thoughts, thinking about our relationship, trying to see things from his perspective, trying to visualize his take on the world and on me. I realized with a throb of my heart that I was all he had. He had no veritable "Sookie", someone who truly understood what this everyday life was about, he could only turn to me for guidance and advised, but I was poorly suited for the job. I was as lost as he was, just more adapted to convincingly conceal it.
We reached our apartment building after a long, slow walk, fighting through the weather. I used my keycard to open the door to the lobby and stepped inside first as Heero had the umbrella. He collapsed it and shook it a few times to dry it as best he could. Lazily we took a stand in front of the elevator and waited for it to meet us on the ground floor. I looked at the row of numbers over the doors, one by one a number would light up in descending order as the elevator came down. The stainless steel doors reflected a blurry vision of us, I could only see the vague blue of his jeans, the black of sweater, the golden tone of his skin, the chocolate of his hair. The color of his eyes were lost in the distorted image. It was a disturbing sight.
Ding! The doors opened, we stepped inside and with automated movements I pressed the button for our floor. The sound of the rain was gone and left us with only the eerie screech of the pulleys as the elevator slowly worked it's way up the shaft.
Once we were back in our apartment I headed for the bathroom to retrieve a fresh towel. I had hastily dried my hair after showering at the gym, normally it would air-dry on the way home, but the humidity would not allow it. My braid was damp and cold along my back, making me shiver. In the bathroom I also took off my shoes and placed them in the bathtub upside down. I draped my wet socks over the edge of the sink. I looked at myself in the mirror of the small medicine cabinet. I looked very tired. I rolled up my sleeve and touched the bruised skin of my wrist. I wasn't angry anymore though. There was no room for anger as my heart was crowded with love, but also sadness. When I looked back up at my reflection, I saw Heero had joined me, quietly staring at me. It was unnerving.
Through the mirror I smiled at him.
He left.
My smile disappeared with him.
The decision on what we would have for dinner was always on me, so I decided on Japanese take-out. After staring at the menu for a long time with a look of deep contemplation on his face, he chose with a point of his finger the vegetarian Tjap Tjoy and I called in his order along with my choice of Kongpo Beef. As we waited on the couch in front of a TV barely audible over the rain I innocently asked: "Do you like Japanese food?"
Heero shrugged.
"Would be kinda strange if you wouldn't, huh?" I lightheartedly joked.
Heero's head jerked to face me. "Why?"
Incredulously I stared at his exotically slanted eyes, delicate nose, pointed jaw line and golden skin tone. "Well... Because you are Japanese." I assumed this wasn't novel information to him.
"Maybe." He said, though his intense blue eyes begged to differ, the plenty Asian features didn't allow for any doubt. "How Japanese can I be? I don't speak Japanese and I've never been to Japan."
I smiled brightly at him. "Maybe we could go there sometime."
"Yeah?" He sounded intrigued.
"Sure!" My mouth started rambling as I started vocally pre-planning our future, hypothetical trip to Japan.
Heero allowed for my blabber, his gaze never leaving my face. I started adding enthusiastic hand gestures to my excited storytelling and bouncing up and down on the cushion of the couch as I made references to old movies - of which he had of course never heard - taking place in Japan. I noticed a smile tugging at his lips and tried to coax it our further with exaggerated expressions and mimicking hands, but he caught himself and fixed his mouth back into a taut line.
I was interrupted by dinner when it rang the doorbell.
We ate in silence, as we always did, watching the sci-fi channel. I enjoyed the stupid notions most of the shows were based on and laughed at the scientific inaccuracies they presented as fact. We watched a large spaceship embark on epic journey through outer space, picking up supplies and additional crew during a short pit stop at the L2 spaceport. It was optimistic of the producers to think that L2 would still be in existence that many years into the future. L2 residents would tell stories of the contrary. As a street rat I remembered sitting up in the middle of the night, rigid with fear as the structure of the poorly maintained colony moaned under the pressure of space. Load clangs and creaks echoed off the buckling walls.
"Hey Heero, what's L1 like?" I asked suddenly.
He shrugged his shoulders indifferently then later added: "New." With a displeased tone.
I thought about that for a moment, wondering what he meant, L1 was one of the earliest colonies, of course perfectly maintained, it should be far from new, being close to 200 years old. In search of clarification I pressed: "New?"
He didn't take his eyes of the screen, watching blue light come out of the space-ships rear thrusters as the vessel prepared for supersonic speeds - also not yet achieved in reality. "Just new. When something get's old, it is replaced." He furrowed his brows and paused his eating to think carefully, summoning his distant memories of his former home. "There was a park where the trees never got old." he searched for words to express himself. "Every three years they would uproot all the trees and replace them with young ones." He seemed uncharacteristically sullen at the memory.
"Maybe, after Japan, we could go to L1?" I suggested in hopes of cheering his up.
"I don't want to go back to L1." He spoke decisively and then continued to eat.
At the opportunity my curiosity perked. I had never seen an invitation to ask him about his training with J, but at the moment it seemed he had turned the conversation in a particular direction that made those questions inevitable. I bit my lip with hesitance, not sure what kind of reaction I would receive, perhaps he would be volatile, perhaps he would shut me back out and every inch I had taking inside the barricades surrounding his heart would be made in vain; wasted attempts at an impossible goal - one step forward, two steps back. Finally, as my mouth was bored with the deep contemplation going on in the brain, I just sort of spewed the words in rapid, near incoherent succession, as a security measure, to leave myself with the ability to deny I had asked.
But of course Heero's sensitive ears picked up on each word and his brain worked to assort them in an understandable fashion: What happened on L1? His eyes turned momentarily incredulous, but he fixed them back with a blink. He stared into the cardboard box of Tjap Tjoy in his lap for a moment before he looked at me, twisting his head in a single jerk and I saw his eyebrows were deeply furrowed. his relaxed demeanor vanished, his back became straight and his shoulders tense, the index finger on his right hand started to involuntarily twitch - subconscious activation of the trigger finger was always a bad sign. The boy with whom I had enjoyed a sweet dinner, made way for the Soldier with whom I shared a sour dessert. "Why?" Was the single word that fell from his taut lips. He appeared annoyed and that somehow his fortress had been invaded against his wishes. It was like I had been able to sneak myself inside but now I had set off the alarm and red lights were flashing and something was ringing in his ear that caused the mask of the soldier to mimic an annoyed expression.
"Why?"
"Why do you want to know?"
"Why do I want to know?" I was merely buying myself time by repeating everything he said. By now, alarms were going off in the back of my own head, but instead of "DANGER! Intruder!" they blared: "DANGER! Imminent air strike!" I heard the vague echo of bombs exploding as they dropped from the hull of a carrier to the defenseless ground below, falling to earth to kill and pollute like acid rain and kill every small thing that had been struggling to lice and survive.
His eyes narrowed, he was not fooled, nor amused, by my transparent strategy.
I laid my warm palm over his hand with the attempt to soothe his anger and still the twitch caused by the military wiring of his nervous system. I felt the hand tense under mine, clawing at the fabric of his dark jeans. I scooted in closer, to alleviate the sudden animosity that had grew like a virus between us. I saw the turmoil in his eyes - crashing waves of a rough dark sea - slowly subside. "I didn't mean to pry." I whispered. I leaned in closer and added: "You can tell me whatever, whenever."
The ocean stilled, the surface became smooth and calm and inviting. Staring into his eyes, I appreciated the full range of beautiful colors and the thick, long lashes by which the orbs were framed. With every passing moment I observed him, it came increasingly plausible that he was indeed a test tube baby. i had never experienced any as perfect as he was. But then again, whose fingers were best suited to create perfection? A scientist or God?
He opened his mouth and finally spoke again, the threatening tone had abandoned his voice to leave it will the comfortable, familiar monotone. "I just want to forget about that."
I nodded, I was disappointed, but I understood. I realized it was going to take more than a question, I would have to sacrifice some of my own secrecy, if I ever wished the right to expect anything in return. Hopeful and willing, I asked him if he minded me sharing a little about my time on L2, with G. It surprised me to see he had to think about this offer before deciding he could accept.
When he nodded, I took a deep breath.
"My name is not Duo," I started, gauging him, he seemed unsurprised and unimpressed by the bit of information, I supposed it was rather obvious, "I named myself after my best friend, his name was Solo. Though I doubt that was his real name. I met him at an orphanage when I was eight, he was twelve. In that orphanage, you normally didn't socialize with the other kids, but Solo and I shared a toothbrush, because they didn't have enough for everyone. We didn't really talk to each other. We just stood side by side, on the tips of our toes, at the sink, waiting for our turn. One day I was punished, I refused to say grace before dinner. It was a highly religious orphanage, not saying grace was like slander, but I told the miss that I didn't understand why I had to thank God for that one meal a day, that didn't even taste good. First she whipped me, but I could handle that. Then she sent all of us to bed, but she took away my pillow and replaced it with a thick, old Bible and forced me to sleep on it. My neck burned with strain, my back hurt from the welts, I was on the verge of tears when Solo called my name. I didn't even know he knew my name. He offered to share his bed, his pillow. I was too tired to refuse, even though I was aware of the possible consequences. Of course the miss found out and after she whipped us both she told Solo that if he pitied me so, he could exchange his pillow for the Bible. And he did. He gave me his pillow and placed the Bible at the head of his own bed. He slept with his head on that thing for two weeks. He stood up for me every since and ever since I happily said grace before dinner, but I did not thank God for the food, I thanked Him for giving me a friend."
I was surprised at my own calm throughout the story. I almost felt detached from this hurtful history, like it had happened in a different lifetime, or not to me at all. The pain couldn't reach me when Heero was near me. The protective aura with which he surrounded us both was impenetrable.
A silence fell between us. I didn't know what I had hoped for or expected. Heero remained impassive, I caught a sliver of disappointment within me but ignored it till it went away. I noticed his hand, which I had still been holding, had turned warm and his palm had turned sweaty. He had shifted his gaze down to the carpet and kept staring at it pointedly.
"Heero?" I waited for him to look me in the eyes. I smiled kindly and reassuringly at him. "I still thank God everyday for giving me a friend. But I don't thank Him for Solo anymore. I thank Him for giving me you. You make every welt I ever suffered worth while because eventually my life brought me to you."
His breath hitched. He looked away again, avoiding me.
I rubbed his hand gently, I hoped he understood what I meant to convey, that whatever he felt now was okay, even if he felt nothing. I loved him regardless. It was impossible for me to hate Heero Yuy. He could beat me to the ground and spit on my battered body and I would still gladly and honestly proclaim my love for him, because I knew the hateful fists belonged to the relentless soldier and there was nothing the boy could do about them, even though I knew he loved me back.
In my life I had learned to have faith and though on many occasions the master plan of the universe seemed to put in a collective effort to prove me wrong, Heero had never disappointed me. My faith in him was never misplaced and so I continued to rely on it. Sometimes faith was all I have. Other times he offered me glimpses of a reward for my faith and patience. I didn't think thank moment would be one of those when he opened his mouth and strangely stated:
"I'm not religious."
I frowned, but didn't ask for any elaboration, I knew it would come once he found the words. Communication was hard on everybody.
"But if I believed in God, I would thank him for you too."
It was the most honest, most real, most touching thing I had ever heard him say. A kind of reverence washed over me. I wanted to thank him for saying that, but thought it would sound stupid if I did. In return I gave him the brightest, happiest, most genuine smile I had ever given anyone. I didn't know if he appreciated it, or if he even understood. He quietly observed me and I thought nothing was going to happen, I thought the moment would slip from our fingers and I would be left hungry for the next soon. But then something flickered across Heero's face and with what was obviously strained effort, the corners of his mouth drew up the smallest, near imperceptible bit and for as long as two heartbeats lasted he was smiling back at me. It was awkward and noticeably uncomfortable. He tried to smile like a fish would try to walk on land, the result was uncoordinated and amusing if I wasn't as moved. He didn't smile because he was happy, because he wanted to smile or truly felt he had anything to smile about. He smiled for me.
It made his gesture all the more endearing.
At the third beat of my heart the muscles in his face relaxed and the smile fell from his lips. But I had seen it and I would continue to see it for a long time, every time I would close my eyes.
My whole being felt light except for my fingers, heavy with the growing desire to hug him and touch him. My lips began to tingle with hopeful anticipation. I wanted to kiss him. Before reason could stop me from doing, so, I told him that.
He moved his mouth to nip at his lip nervously. He caught himself and stopped the anxious habit, he tried to master his blank expression, but his eyes could not lie, they livened with intrigue and curiosity hidden behind shy innocence.
I sat on my knees on the couch, facing him, Heero took my lead and copied my position, expressing his willingness to cooperate and explore. I inched closer to him, feeling the cushions dip under my weight. I stared lengthily at his face. I noticed all of a sudden how young he looked and was reminded, almost with a start, that we were young. I kept forgetting, with all this seriousness between us all the time. A stupid, devilish grin formed on my face. Heero tilted his head slightly and arched one eyebrow inquisitively. I wink at him and then darted forward to plant a light kiss on the tip of his nose and then I retreated back into my own personal space, watching his intently, searching for a reaction.
He seemed frozen solid for a while, his eyes slightly off mine. He blinked and his eyes focused back on mine, there was a thin line of confusion between his eyebrows. He licked his lips, most likely subconsciously and let a long time pass before he concluded nothing was going to happen: I wasn't going to initiate anything. His eyebrows twitched together in a split-second frown. There was undeniable disappointment in his voice when he asked: "That's it?"
I smirked. "Yup. Your turn." I was feeling bold and curious to see how he would respond to being left in charge.
The hesitation that quickly multiplied and spread across his face made me question my strategy and after seven Mississippi's I was certain I had wasted an opportunity and he would be confused and awkward with physical contact for days, but hope sparked when he leaned forward, only an inch, his eyes half lidded. But suddenly he froze and he sat himself back on his calves, looking away, searching for answers in the thread of the carpet. He sported a look of deep, personal contemplation. I decided to be patient and hoped to be rewarded.
Suddenly his face hardened with determination and he adjusted his position so he wouldn't lose his balance. He quickly leaned forward, his lips connecting with mine and he pulled back as soon as the firing of the neurons registered in his brain. The look he was giving me was distinctively challenging and teasing as he said: "Your turn again."
Interested at the development of our spontaneous game, I accepted his challenge and closed the distance between us, pressing my lips against his and moving them once to create friction that send jolts of shivers and electricity down my back. I pulled back with a cheeky smile.
Heero appeared to be frustrated. He leaned in for our fourth kiss and lingered deliciously. The gentle kiss lasted for several sweet seconds before he slowly separated himself from me. He looked proud of himself, even a little cocky. The success of this game, I realized lied in the deduction he was making that not kissing me would be cowardice and that a good kiss would be the kind of perfection he strived for in every aspect for his life. Now that I had him driven and motivated, it was hard not to use the situation to my advantage. The next kisses we shared lasted progressively longer and with joy I noticed Heero become more tempted with each kiss as he started to enjoy the sensations.
Finally, we shared a kiss that changed everything for me and elevated the situation far above a mere game. I had lost count, call it the umpteenth time, it was Heero turn. He had shed all his inhibitions and uncertainty's and leaned into each kiss with strengthening self confidence and every time we parted, he seemed a little dazed and a modest hue of pink had gathered on his high cheekbones. I instantly knew the kiss would be different when I felt his hands leaning on mine. I had my own hands splayed over my thigh as I sat back on my calves, like Heero. For the particular kiss he placed his hands over my wrists for balanced as he came closer and right before our lips connected, he closed his eyes, which he had done previously. The moment our lips touched, something surged through me that made very hair on my body stand up straight, my skin felt electrified and a chemical process was happening in my head that had a relaxing, intoxicating and pleasurable effect equal to the best drug, if not exceeding.
The previous kisses had been innocently romantic, but when we came together for that umpteenth time - the amount of times it took for Heero to grow comfortable - there was passion.
Recognizing it as "the real deal" I sucked in air through my nose, preparing for what I hoped to be a lengthy kiss. I pushed back against him, strengthening - almost solidifying - our kiss. We soon progressed from moving our lips against each other to sharing an open-mouthed kiss, licking and sucking on upper and lower lips. Heero's hands vanished in the dark void that surrounded the only existing universe and that was our lips touching. Perhaps he had grown nervous, but his mouth didn't express anything of the kind. He hungrily kissed me back and mimicked my motions as he tried - and succeeded - to make the kiss perfect.
I brought my hands up to hold his neck, enjoying the feel of his slender, vulnerable neck underneath my strong fingers, loving the fact that he allowed me. His pulse was fast and furious underneath my palm.
When I finally interpreted him ready to deepen the kiss he accepted me with the softest moan which he would surely deny, steadfast, even under polygraph examination. My ahnds moved down from his neck to his waist, I possessively wrapped my arms around his narrow waist, drawing him up to his knees as I raised myself up to my knees, bringing our bodies together. I reveled at the perfection with which our bodies melded together as our tongues fought for dominance neither of us was willing to relinquish at first. I was lost in the moment and in the sensations and gladly so was Heero. His body felt relaxed, soft and warm. His arms were by his side, not yet participating in the scene. With a sigh it seemed Heero decided to submit, to experience the sensations differently, letting me take full control. He responded favorably and brought his hands up. His fingers were tentative at first, but then he took a strong hold of me and held me close, clinging to me needily.
I noticed with slight embarrassment that I was fast becoming aroused and my physical state belied this secret: my jeans became straining and tight in the front. I didn't know how Heero would respond once he would notice, if he hadn't already, but I couldn't think about that at that moment, my mind was preoccupied processing a sensory overload and a mantra of "ohmygodohmygodohmygod".
When my erection reached an embarrassing and obvious state it was brought to Heero's awareness as well.
His reaction was direct and sharp; he pulled himself away from me with a jerk, like he was scorned - like you pulled your hand away after burning it on a hot pan -, his body instantly grew tense. He cast his gaze downward again as he lowered himself back onto his calves, the distance between us a good two feet of cold, open space.
My shame reached a new peak and blood was redirected to warm my cheeks with a strong, red hue. "I..." I stammered a meaningless combination of vowels. The situation grew very awkward, very rapidly but fortunately it also solved my problem. The teenage body worked quick that way. After I had finally gained some composure I sat myself back down on the couch and offered a quiet apology.
I expected him to be meek and uncomfortable, but all of a sudden he straightened up from his hunched over position and looked me sternly in the eyes and posed the direct question: "Do you want to have sex?"
I nearly choked on my own spit, flabbergasted.
He kept eyeing me seriously, that telltale frown on his forehead.
With a shy smile I admitted, though not ashamed: "Yes."
He proceeded quickly, his blank expression revealed nothing: "Now?"
I chuckled sheepishly. "No."
"When?"
I shrugged "When it happens. You can't plan it."
"Shouldn't we get condoms?"
I felt a strange flirt of sensation in my stomach when he said the word "condoms". "Probably," I agreed, visualizing the pack of condoms that was already secretly waiting for "when it happens". I couldn't tell him that, I was afraid he would take it the wrong way, like sex was all I wanted from him. But Heero had much more to offer me, more important things than bodily pleasure. Though it didn't bother me to admit to myself I was excitedly anticipating it. I suddenly regretted not saving my virginity for that moment, but there was no point dwelling on the unchangeable past.
The conversation came to an abrupt and cold end when Heero reached for his Tjap Tjoy and took elegant hold of the chopsticks to eat the last few pieces from the bottom of the cardboard box.
A little confused I watched him for a while. He seemed comfortable beside me, now that he had ended the conversation and was back in control.
"Are you done with that?"
"Huh?" I blinked and looked up at Heero, who had risen from his seat and was pointing his chopsticks at my empty box of Kongpo Beef.
"Are you done?" He asked.
"Oh, yeah."
He cleared everything off the table, gathering the disposable items in the plastic bag our dinner had arrived in and he walked to the kitchen to throw it away.
I was dazed and wide-eyed for a long moment, but finally my face broke into a self satisfied grin.
I realized I should have asked Heero if he wanted to have sex, but in spite of the encouraging event that night, i feared he would have an answer prepared that would not please me. So I decided to hold off that question for a little while longer, till I was confident he wouldn't freeze me over with a cold and calculating take on sex.
Now that I had heard him say "sex", it being strangely sexual to hear from him, I wondered how "making love" would sound in his deep voice, or how sounds of pleasure would spill from his lips. I stopped that thought, still being in a sensitive state. With a chuckle I decided to take a shower and even though I hadn't planned on it, I couldn't help but jerk-off as visuals from our heated kiss brought me back to a full state of arousal.
With slight embarrassment I traded the bathroom with Heero as he took his evening shower. I laid in my bed refusing the urge to peek around the corner of the wide open door. Clouds of condensation billowed out from the warm bathroom to the cool bedroom. I reached for the remote on the nightstand and turned off the air-conditioning. The naughty question was raised with me whether Heero ever masturbated in the shower. With I frown I wondered if the rigorous soldier ever masturbated.
Heero emerged with his tanned body damp and drops of water falling down from his bangs onto his chest. I looked away with a blush, biting back a stupid, childish smile when I noticed his nipples were hard, exposed to the cold. He had wrapped a towel around his waist with newly found modesty and dressed behind the open door of the closet, just out of my line of sight. Either he had truly become modest and self-conscious, or he was teasing me.
Dressed in his usual attire he crawled into bed, settling on his back.
"Ready?"
"Yeah."
He switched off the light.
"I love you, Heero."
His belated response: "I love you too."
Minutes passed in total darkness and silent, but I sensed a conversation was still coming. I was staring up at my ceiling and hadn't heard Heero's sheets rustle to turn onto his side. He was still lying on his back, sharing my fascination with the ceiling.
"Do you really want to know about L1... and J?"
I hadn't expected such a heavy topic. I swallowed a lump and replied: "Of course."
"Why?" This time his tone of voice wasn't mean or threatening. I imagined he sported that honest, questioning frown.
"Because when I know, I can help you."
There was silence for a long time, till eventually: "How can you help with something that happened in the past?"
I shrugged, my sheets moved noisily around my shoulders. "I can't change the past. But you past influences your future, the better you deal with your past, the better you'll deal with your future. I could help you deal... besides, I think it would be good just to talk about it and have someone listen."
"Was it good for you to talk this evening?"
Instead of immediately answering him positively with the intention of encouraging him to volunteer information, I decided to consider his question carefully, he deserved an answer that was true. It didn't matter, though, the result was the same. "Yes. It did feel good."
"How does it feel good?"
With a smile I noted he was very talkative this evening. Kissing did wonders for the boy. "I feel lighter. It's not a secret anymore, it's just a memory, just a story. And I'm happy my best friend knows about it."
A rustle to my right indicated the nodding of his head against his pillow.
"Would you like to tell something?" I held my breath in anticipation, the possibility of having part of mystery that is Heero Yuy unveiled was captivating and I was aware of the potential importance of this moment. It could well be a turning point.
"I don't know what."
"Anything. Anything you want to tell. Maybe something about your training." I suggested, because I was very curious about his training by J. I had my suspicions that bad things happened. Worse than what happened to me. It took more than beatings and cold water dunks to instill behavior like that of the Perfect Soldier.
"There was this bag." He started with a questioning tone.
"Yeah?" I encouraged.
"The choke-bag."
I shivered under the warm covers.
"J would cuff my hands behind my back with steel handcuffs and place a see through plastic bag over my head. With a tight belt around my neck, he tied it in place and waited for me to start suffocating." he paused for a moment, maybe to suppress emotions. He continued with a monotone voice: "The objective was to train me to be able to break steel cuffs. I couldn't, not for a long time. I would pass out from lack of oxygen and woke up somewhere else later. The exercise continued for years, till I finally broke the cuffs when I was fourteen and took off the bag before I passed out."
I smiled sadly, eerily aware that there was no resented in his voice reserved for J, if anything he sounded appreciative, like J had taught him a valuable and necessary life lesson. Of course the ability to bend steel and cause it to snap at the welded joints would save his life and the lives of others during the war, I couldn't muster any bit of gratitude for J's teachings. There was a dark part in my heart reserved for hatred and it was filled with images and memories of G and J and the other, wicked, scientists. Deranged old men. I would never be able to thank them for their efforts. Even though they played an instrumental role in the freeing on the colonies and creating the peaceful Earth Sphere Unified Nation.
The God of Death shamelessly held grudges. That dark part of me wished I had personally caused their demise, having them pay us back in drops of blood on my hands.
Switched away from the sadistic thoughts that were not fitting for the new me. I needed to be free of the God of Death just as much as Heero needed to be free of the Perfect Soldier. I was simply ahead of him in the twelve-step program.
Even though maybe I would have been better off not knowing, as I became haunted with Heero's gasping face blurred through the material of the plastic "choke-bag", I thanked him for telling me. I meant it. It was good to know and bad to know at the same time. I didn't even thy to comprehend that, I just accepted it.
The next morning I lathered two bagels royally with peanut butter, still smiling as I remembered that night when I found out Heero didn't like cheese. He had quickly become addicted to peanut butter. I scraped the last bit out of the jar and scribbled "PB" with a little, random smiley face on a yellow post-it that I stuck to the refrigerator door. My eyes shifted to the invitation to the ESUN ball, hosted by Relena. Time had passed quickly, the ball was next Saturday. It dawned on me Heero and I had no fitting attire for such a formal occasion. I grabbed the pen and added to the post-it: "TUX" Heero probably wasn't willing to invest in the purchase of a tailored tuxedo, I dreaded at renting one, but I would have to settle for that option.
I forgot all about arranging tuxedo's when Heero came out of the bedroom and made a B-line towards his breakfast of black coffee and peanut butter with a side of bagel. We stood together in the kitchen, eating. We ate like real young men, wolfing it down in matter of seconds. I grinned at our similar antics.
I didn't think about tuxedo's again till Heero had long stepped out of the house. But I wasn't angry with myself, it gave me a good excuse to call him at work. I dialed the number of the Preventers head quarters and a friendly receptionist patched me through. The phone started ringing again and for a long time. I looked at my watch, it wasn't lunch time yet.
I tapped the wall with the rhythm of a made up song, or maybe I had heard it a long time ago. The phone kept ringing and it seemed like no one was going to pick up, but I didn't relent that easily. Finally, someone answered.
Someone.
"Hello?" The voice seemed perplexed someone was calling this number.
"Yeah, this is Duo, I'm calling for-"
"Heero, yeah, I know, this is his desk after all." The speaker seemed to be rolling his eyes at me, there was a superior and sarcastic tone to his voice.
It clicked. It was the same snot I had talked to the last time I tried to reach Heero at work. I had failed to remember his name, so I played dumb and asked him whom I was speaking to.
"Reid Mixson," he replied uninterestingly, "I'm Heero's colleague and good friend, we talked on the phone before. You're his roommate, right?" He spoke degradingly.
"And best friend." I put an emphasis on "best" and decided to leave out "boyfriend", even though it would have been fun to hear his reaction to that. "Can you please tell Heero I'm on the phone."
"He isn't here."
I frowned. "Well, where is he?" I demanded, I had the feeling he was yanking my chain.
"I don't know. Probably a conference or a meeting. He is the best hacker you know."
Of course I knew, I spent many nights awake in bed in shared dorm rooms, frustrated at the ticking of his keyboard as he hacked busily. "Can you tell him I called?"
"He might be gone long."
I sighed and decided to be bold. "Put him on."
Reid became defensive. "I just told you he isn't here."
"Yeah yeah, a meeting or a conference. Well, I don't care, call him, say it's an emergency."
"I can't do that."
"Yes you can and you will."
There was a long pause, I focused an angry glare on the receiver, maybe it would have effect. Finally, his voice came through the line again: "Fine." He was not pleased at all and didn't withhold from letting me hear it in his voice.
He put me on hold and for a long time I listened to the same, old ballad being repeated over and over. It took such a while that I started to feel guilty. Reid probably wasn't lying after all, meaning he was now pulling Heero out of an important meeting for a question regarding something as unimportant as rented tuxedo's.
The music stopped and the phone was answered. The first thing I heard was a loud noise filling the background, it sounded like the drone of machinery.
"Hello?" I practically yelled into the receiver.
"Duo?" Heero was barely audible over the noise.
"What is that noise?"
He remained silent, I figured he probably hadn't heard me and repeated the question.
"The computers. I'm in the computer-room, they have to be cooled by fans or they overheat." (1)
"Can't you step out for a moment? It's really difficult to understand you."
"Why are you calling?" Heero obviously didn't take my request under advisement.
"Relena's ball is Saturday. We need tuxedo's. You should come home early so we can go rent two."
"I can't come home early."
I was afraid of that. "What about tomorrow?"
"I'll try. We'll go buy tuxedo's, not rent."
I was pleasantly surprised at that and almost thought I may have not heard him correctly through the noise. "Really, you don't mind?"
"I don't like wearing other people's clothes."
"Except mine." I said with a smile, visualizing him wearing my TAMPA HIGH shirt.
"What?"
I sighed and rolled my eyes. "Never mind. I'll see you tonight."
"I might be late."
"Okay..." I said softly, disappointed.
"What?"
I shook it off and spoke loudly in the phone: "That's fine. Bye!"
He hung up without saying goodbye in return.
I was too excited about buying our own tuxedo's for the event to care and I was even more excited that we would be seeing the other pilots soon.
With a smile I said to myself: "I have a lot to tell them." I chuckled as I imagined their reactions.
(1) I don't know if you've ever been in a computer room, but the one I experienced was LOUD and not just because of the fans, the dozens of computers together make a lot of noise too. It's really annoying and when you're in there for too long, you'd swear you are hearing them all day.