Chapter 14:
With the squad of Peacekeepers still at our back and Prim's agonizing facial expression, I don't even stop to consider the consequences of my fake baby's sudden sex-change before the words are out of my mouth. This is about survival, and I am going to do everything possible to help my sister survive. Period.
But the moment the last syllable escapes my lips- I am shocked that I am able to say it. Girl single-handedly (or single-wordedly) defies everything that me and everyone else wanting a rebellion (which has to number in the thousands at this point) has been working towards for the last several months. My mouth is still open from speaking, but I find that I can't close it- and since I certainly can't think coherently enough to say anything else, it just continues to hang open (I eventually have the good sense to at least smack my hand over it). I just cannot believe that I just used my power to influence the actions of so many people, change the course of an entire war really, with the muttering of a single word.
I look down at the square, scanning the crowd. The citizens of District 11 immediately react to the news- but their reactions are all over the place, conflicted, un-unified. A fraction of the District 11 citizens -women especially- cheer loudly, oblivious. Many were clearly not told about the rebellion. Perhaps for fear that it would unnecessarily panic them? Others stand in confused silence. Some of the younger males erupt in boos and shouts- presumably, the same ones who know that this is all a farce and are eager to participate in the rebellion no matter how reckless the approach. But they are quickly silenced by extra Peacekeepers moving in, lining up around the square, and poising their weapons. Since waiting an hour before attacking is now unnecessary- the rebels don't want the broadcast to happen at this point- they could act now. But without any kind of plan, and without the support of the rest of the group (or the rest of the Districts, for that matter), they have little choice but to stay quiet.
When I can finally focus my gaze to the people that I'm close to, I see that their responses are just as varied. Haymitch is looking at the ground and shaking his head. Peeta's mouth is stuck open even further than mine and his eyes look dazed- like he hasn't fully processed everything yet. But it's Prim's face that I most want to see- and in her expression I finally find what I've been searching for. Relief that I've said the right thing. She's the only one giving me that look. In that moment, it's enough.
Once I've made the announcement, there is little else to do or say anyway- the people have all heard what they came to hear. Peacekeepers, not wanting me to say anything else, quickly guide Peeta and I back away from the verandah and Prim, Haymitch, and Effie follow us. Even though I'm certain I've expressed what the Capitol wanted me to, I am frozen with fear as we walk, afraid to utter a single sound.
Because this time apparently we've said the right thing, the Peacekeepers lead us to the first floor of the Justice Building rather than directly onto the train. Literally in a matter of minutes, the entire lobby has been transformed. Decorations adorn the walls, and important-looking Capitol people and District 11 citizens surround a grand table that hadn't even been there when we came through just a short time ago.
Peeta places a shaky hand on my shoulder. Several seconds go by before I realize that it's my whole body that's shaking instead. I look at him and shrug my shoulders, unable to form words.
"I just couldn't do it," I whisper simply after a while, still shaking. In an even lower voice I say, "I'm just so scared." Peeta's eyes are still wide, but he nods in understanding and lightly massages my shoulder with his hand.
We are instructed to sit down, and Peacekeepers jump to occupy every other seat, preventing conversation between us Victors, Effie and Cinna, the prep team, Capitol citizens. We merely sit fidgeting with our place settings and coughing uncomfortably… before President Snow joins us. Needless to say, we are dead quiet as soon as he strides into the room. I want to reach out to Prim, clutch her tightly and whisper into her ear, but I can't reach her and I'm too afraid to break the silence. I am terrified that Snow will round up Haymitch and Peeta and I after dinner for his firing squad (perhaps he would spare Prim so the Victory Tour could continue?). The anxiety that we all have throughout the meal is almost paralyzing. I must have dropped my fork five times. Each time, an Avox comes to supply me with a fresh one but I can't even bring myself to say thank-you. I just sit there, waiting for Snow to tell us how he knew about the rebellion and announce to us his punishment for our treason.
Astoundingly enough, he does neither, and dinner passes somewhat uneventfully. All Snow does is stand (after we've at least pretended to eat) and proclaim how pleased he was with the outcome of today's events in kicking off the Victory Tour, and that he expects every day to go precisely this smoothly. Translation: you are to praise the Capitol and squeeze in another remark reaffirming that you're having a girl (thereby squashing all chance at a coordinated rebellion), at every District stop, if you don't want to be publicly executed. He then rises to his feet and slowly dabs at his mouth with a cloth napkin before exiting the lobby with a smirk, signaling that the dinner is over. A few of the Peacekeepers disappear, presumably in preparation for our next stop on the tour. I can almost hear the collective sigh of relief as Snow leaves- at least from Prim, Effie, Peeta and myself- his orders are something we can actually do. Just like the Victory Tour last year- read the script, numb yourself to what you are saying. No one else gets hurt.
Snow is gone, but we would be silly to assume that we aren't being watched, and closely- the proof is all around us. Peacekeepers escort us all back to the train; two accompany Peeta and I to the car in which we are to sleep. Almost immediately, before I can even turn to our Peacekeepers and tell them to take me to see Prim, Haymitch (with another Peacekeeper in tow) arrives, asking me to join him for a drink outside. I agree, leaving Peeta in the car with one of the Peacekeepers guarding the door. Of course another Peacekeeper awaits us as we step into the cool night air. Haymitch isn't deterred; he gives me a knowing glance, and after pointedly looking at the three Peacekeepers surrounding us, takes a huge chug of his flask. After another minute, he starts to feign getting sick (or at least I hope he is), staggering towards the side of the train, pulling me along with him, and finally retching over the edge. The smell of vomit permeates the air, sending the Peacekeepers retreating backward a couple of precious steps. At the same time, he pulls on me so that my head is close to his. The smell is nauseating, I want to pull away too- but I fight it. I start rubbing the back of his head, playing the concerned friend, but really using it as an excuse to lean even a little closer. Very faintly, I hear him whisper, "Just do what Snow says."
I sigh in exasperation. This is what he dragged me up here for? This was the best advice Haymitch could give? Hell, I had been planning to do that anyway, because that look that Prim gave me out on the verandah is still burned behind my eyes, and more than anything I want to save her. And Peeta. And myself. After what Snow said tonight, there is no way the war is starting now; we'll just have to plan our next move when we get back to District 12. And Haymitch just verified exactly what my line of thinking was- but it wasn't profound, by any means.
I pat Haymitch on the back in acknowledgement but turn back to the train. I insist to the Peacekeepers that we go straight to Prim's room next, but there are two more Peacekeepers standing outside her door, insisting that she's on lockdown in the evenings and that I'm not allowed to enter. Concerned, I knock anyway, and after a moment Prim answers me through the door that she's okay. But then she says that I'd better get back because it's not as though I can enter, and it wouldn't be worth it for either of us to get in trouble. As much as I want to talk to her, have a conversation with her through the door regardless- deep down I know she's right and that it would be careless. I won't be able to find out what I want to know- like what in the world happened to her last night- and the longer we talk, the more likely it is that one of us will say something stupid that could get us both killed. Resigned, trying not to let my voice crack, I tell her that I love her through the door and that I'll see her tomorrow morning. I look pointedly at one of the Peacekeepers, eyebrow raised, as I say this, as if to say, I will see her tomorrow morning, right? The Peacekeeper gives me a slight nod of his head in confirmation.
As I enter the train car meant for me and Peeta, thankfully the Peacekeepers remain outside. Peeta is still awake, a concerned look on his face, but he looks exhausted- clearly he was waiting up to make sure that I was okay. I quickly change and climb into his arms, and he strokes my hair reassuringly, but doesn't say a word. What could he say, really? I do my best to put him at ease. "I'm all right," I whisper.
Peeta doesn't need much more encouragement than that- within minutes, I hear him start to snore softly. But despite the enormity of the day, and the fatigue that I should be feeling, I am wide awake. What have I done? I can't stop thinking about the failed rebellion. I can't stop worrying about Prim. What a nightmare.
I shudder as I realize that if last night and today were a nightmare, it's going to be recurring. We're going to be stuck in this state of helplessness for at least eleven more days.
A/N: I realize that it's been an eternity since I've updated; I apologize for the wait. Besides a number of real-life obstacles (moving out-of-state and starting a new job being only a couple of them), I was unsure of where I wanted to take this story next. But thanks to your recent interest (maybe in part to Catching Fire being released? ;) ) I've gotten back into it again. While I don't see myself updating this super frequently, it should be more often than once every six months.