I don't really remember the service. Sure, I remember being there, but it was more of an out-of-body experience. I could see myself in my mind's eye, gaping at my mom's body in the casket, clinging to Derek, sobbing. I ignored the stares of pity that I was receiving. I ignored every word of the eulogy my dad gave. The only things I could focus on were the sobs shaking my frame and the fingers running soothingly through my hair. I could feel the eyes on me, boring holes into the back of my head. If anything it made me cry harder.
I wanted it all to be over with. I wanted to go home, curl up in my bed, and forget the world. I wanted my mom back. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to be happy with Derek who wanted me back, but I couldn't even do that. For the first time in my life someone who wasn't my family or Scott wanted me and I couldn't enjoy that because my mom was dead.
I got so lost in my thought that I didn't realize everyone else was standing until Derek's gentle hands coaxed me up. I was so focused on keeping my face carefully black that I didn't hear a word of the closing prayer. People shuffled out on the way to their cars, stopping to offer "comforting" words or hugs. My dad smiled politely at them, thanking them. I didn't see what he was thanking them for. Their words wouldn't make us feel any better and they certainly wouldn't bring her back. Every time someone reached out to hug me I shied away, cowering into Derek's side. My dad would smile at them apologetically and they would nod like they understood. Derek wrapped his arms around me and held me against him, preventing anyone from trying to touch me. I buried my face into his shoulder gratefully and waited for it to be over.
I don't remember going from the funeral home to the car. I must have fallen asleep at some point. I hadn't slept very much the night before. The next thing I knew I was being coaxed out of the car by my father and Derek. I didn't understand why my dad was allowing Derek to go with us to the burial, considering it was supposed to be family only, until I realized I was clutching his jacket like a lifeline. I refused to let him leave me.
It wasn't until they were lowering my mothers' casket into the ground that I really lost it. My sobs were so strong that I couldn't stand up on my own. Derek grabbed me before I collapsed and my dad had a firm grip on my arm. I was shaking so hard that I couldn't see and I may have been screaming. My dad eventually told Derek to take me home before the ceremony was done. He practically carried me to the car and gently lowered me into the seat, buckling me in. He had to pry his jacket out of my grasp in order to go around to the driver's side.
We made it about halfway back to my house with Derek throwing concerned glances my way. I had stopped screaming but now I was letting out these pitiful little whimpers. Derek finally pulled the car off to the side of the road and turned it off. He unbuckled both of our seatbelts and pulled me over onto his lap. He held me so tight I thought I was going to break in half, but it was oddly comforting. He held me until my sobs quieted, murmuring how sorry he was and how much he loves me. When I finally ran out of tears I pulled myself off of his lap, settling against him. We drove the rest of the way to my house in a comfortable silence.
As soon as I got to my bed, I collapsed. Derek maneuvered me so he could get my jacket and shoes off and was starting to walk towards the door. I made a noise of protest and he turned back to look at me.
"Stay." I grumbled, holding out a hand. Derek smiled, walking back over to me. He took my hand and settled down on the bed next to me, looking me in the eyes.
"I'm not going anywhere."