He stormed aimlessly, unaware of the layout of the base. Away from the oppressive stares of his mother, his uncle and Rey, he began to give into his rage and misery, and was vaguely aware of the fact that he was growling. He found a door, tried to open it and discovered it was locked. With an effortless Force push, he burst through it and collapsed on the floor of someone's quarters.
Who was he?
His whole life had been a lie. He had never murdered the padawans. He had never committed the action that had sent him spiralling into his current role.
He didn't have to turn to the dark side. He didn't have to do everything he had done since.
His father's face swam before his eyes, and he screamed into the hard, cold flooring.
He felt Rey arrive and sensed her hesitation.
"Go," he said.
He didn't want her to see him like this. He needed time to process, to understand. He was dangerous and cruel, and he was vaguely aware that he needed to protect her from his own impulses.
"Kylo," she implored softly.
Tears were stinging his eyes. He looked at her darkly. "You told me you had never seen snow. You genuinely forgot about the time you saw snow before that."
She frowned. Images of Starkiller began to fill her mind, and he saw them in his own. "I didn't- I suppose I just had other things to remember about that day…"
"The things I did. The terrible thing I did. I can't undo it, Rey- and I didn't even have to do it." He pushed himself to his knees and stared up at her. The pity in her eyes was kind and loving, and it infuriated him again. "Get out."
"I don't think you should be-"
"Don't push me, Rey." He heard the darkly ominous words leaving his mouth, and regretted threatening her instantly.
Hurt clouded her features. She turned and left him alone.
Broken, bitter Kylo Ren.
He wanted to smash and destroy. Purest rage was boiling within him, dark and unforgiving. Something else glued him to the ground and he stayed there, folded up on himself. Images of his father haunted him.
Luke was telling the truth. But Ren could not access the memory in his own mind. He could clearly remember the false memory- bitter, twisted, manipulated little Ben Solo giving into Snoke's pressure and striking down the padawans cruelly- but there was no evidence of a plot.
Which meant the plot had worked too well.
He had volunteered to slip into the First Order. Presumably Luke's instructions had not been to murder Snoke. But they would not have been to embrace the dark side with such passion. They must have formed some plot which had never been successful.
He was weak. He had given into the dark side.
A memory from years earlier came into his mind.
Ben Solo was thirteen. Already troubled by Snoke's voice in his brain for many years, he was quiet and withdrawn, a strange child.
Luke had taken to spending a lot of time with his nephew, trying to stop Snoke's influence.
"Dark force users think the Jedi are weak," Luke told him one evening. They were sitting watching the sunset. "But they are the weak ones. What is right is never easy, Ben. Fighting the temptation of the dark side… that is the real power. Love and honesty and kindness- these are the things that we should live for. Not unlimited power. Not fear and anger."
"Yes, Master."
Ren hated himself. He wanted to claw his face, tear his skin off. Lying on the floor, he trembled and sobbed. He was irredeemable. He was evil. And he never had to be.
At some point he had been a selfless Jedi apprentice who had volunteered for a dangerous mission. Luke had foolishly agreed to send him.
And that Jedi apprentice had never returned home.
"He's home now."
The voice which startled him out of his trauma was deep and calm, and Ren rose to his knees, igniting his lightsaber. His mouth fell open at what he saw.
A man- translucent and tinted with blue- stood before him. He was dressed in Jedi robes. His face was flickering; one moment, it was older and gentle, the next youthful and intense.
A Force ghost. He had heard of them, of course, but had never seen one.
"Grandfather," he breathed.
The older face smiled softly, but it was tinged with sadness. "I have never before been called that."
Ren was aware of the fact that he was still crying. A strange sort of relief was settling on him, and the tears were almost joyful. For years he had idolised this man, yet it was only now- as Ren teetered on the edge of the light side- that he appeared to him. "Thank you for this honour, Grandfather."
"The honour is mine, Ben."
His birth name. There could be no clearer sign which side his grandfather expected him to take.
"I've done terrible things, Grandfather." He blurted out the words, desperate for absolution. "I killed my father."
The younger face nodded. He was handsome, despite the scar, and looked younger than his grandson. "You were seduced by the dark side of the Force."
"I am weak." The words were spat out.
The man who had been both Anakin Skywalker and Vader shook his head, his long hair swaying gently. "The Jedi's greatest flaw is to forget that we are human, too. Before we are Jedi, we are people. With feelings and emotions and weaknesses, like everyone else in the galaxy. The expectation that we simply put that to one side can be too much. So many have been needlessly seduced by the dark side because of it." He sighed. "Fear of losing what I loved was what sent me down that path. I was a grown man when it happened. You have had Snoke's voice in your head since you were a child. It isn't your fault, Ben."
Forgiveness. Here it was, offered by his hero. But he couldn't accept it. He didn't deserve it.
"What must I do?" he asked, bowing his head.
"The girl is the key. You must train her, Ben."
"I shouldn't. I'm not a Jedi. I never completed my own training."
His grandfather smiled kindly. "Trust the Force, Ben."
Rey sat hugging her knees. She had hidden herself away in the armory, away from the oppressive sun and the stares of people.
Her mind was racing. Kylo Ren had not killed the Jedi. Somewhere along the way, he had been manipulated by Snoke. He was a victim of Snoke.
Not an innocent victim. Certainly not innocent.
But perhaps he could be redeemed, despite what he thought. Perhaps she could help him.
He had sent her away angrily when she had tried to comfort him, but he was just accepting the startling truth. She could understand his mood.
She wanted to help him.
Really, Luke had no need of her. If there were indeed still Jedi- presumably in hiding throughout the galaxy, pretending to be dead- he did not need one more girl to train. No wonder he had distanced himself from her. She could probably go home if she wanted. Go back to waiting for whoever wasn't coming back for her.
She rested her head against the hot metal of the wall and closed her eyes.
She heard the door open, and sensed Kylo Ren. He crossed to her and sat down beside her, not touching. Something dramatic had changed within him. There was a calmness in him she had never sensed before. Opening her eyes, she saw that his were red from crying.
Without speaking, he reached out for her, and she pulled him close, holding him.