Distance
Wufei tuned out the monotonous tones of the peon delivering the upcoming budget proposals and the stats for the recently signed talents. He had zero interest in the status of L5's finances. Unless that little piss ant was about to tell them L5 was bankrupt and being confiscated by the I.R.S., resulting in Dr. O going to prison and Wufei thereby being free, nothing he said could matter at all.
Instead, Wufei focused his thoughts on the upcoming weekend.
It had been almost five months since his *wedding.*
During that time, he and Duo had enjoyed precious few hours together. They'd had that one long Thursday together when he'd returned from Paris. Then GUNDAM left on their extended tour.
They'd had one day together during that three month stint. One day after six weeks apart when he'd by chance accompanied Mamaru to a charity appearance in Toronto during the same weekend that GUNDAM had a show there.
One day they'd had together while he sent Mamaru off to enjoy the sights and night life on his own.
Then, GUNDAM finally returned to New York to stay for a while. Just over a week before they'd left again for a tour of the talk show circuit, Mtv video shots, on location stuff; garnering more exposure.
Hours stolen here and there, occasional evenings, or emails could not compare to the loss endured, could not hope to soothe the ache left by the time apart...
This weekend was Duo's birthday. Having been apart for their one year anniversary of meeting and their first date, Wufei had determined come hell or high water he would be with Duo for his birthday; even if he had to dream up something to travel to wherever GUNDAM was. But, luckily, Quatre'd worked out the schedule so GUNDAM was back home, and scheduled off for a few weeks.
Duo'd kept in touch by email while GUNDAM traveled, keeping Wufei informed of GUNDAM's advancement and the contract magic Quatre was performing.
Their popularity was soaring. The website got numerous hits, and they received fan mail both electronically and snail mail daily. To handle the growing need for PR they hired an executive assistant to interact with the press and process details. Someone similar to Wufei for Mamaru.
She worked for GUNDAM, not for the recording company. She had their best interest at heart and had an objective eye for what was good for the band. A friend of Zechs' from college. Noin, Duo'd said her name was. An odd name, but a beautiful woman.
Wufei hadn't met her, but he'd seen photos in the paper and on the newscasts. A dark haried beauty with an unusual hairstyle.
A part of him, a small part, worried at the attraction that the rag magazines built between the two, especially given Duo's known penchant for dark exotic beauty.
Not to mention the obvious attraction she held for Duo. Those photos of the two together clearly showed the looks she gave Duo. And while some of it may be build up for the press, Wufei was certain a good portion of the attraction was real.
He was familiar with manipulating the press, he'd done it several times for clients of his own. Wufei could see why the two were fodder for the media. Building on the hetero attraction was good for GUNDAM.
Especially after Quatre and Heero made it know they were together. Heero's brooding stare at times while they were interviewed by gushing young women made it timpossible to hide. And Quatre had no hope of hiding his adoring love struck looks either.
To have Trowa and Duo seen as free and hetero, or at least bi, gave hope to the rabid female fans. Besides, with the friendship between Wufei and Duo being so close, this diverted any unwanted attention or speculation about them...
Wufei knew about this aspect of stardom. He set up publicity stunts all the time for his clients. He knew it was all media BS, but... still.
He saw how she looked at Duo. And, in all fairness, while they were separated by this farce he could, and did, find release with Merian. Not just physical release, but emotional comfort as well. How could he fault Duo if he turned to someone?
Suddenly, Wufei couldn't breathe. His eyes snapped open and he stood suddenly before he remembered he was in the damn budget meeting. "Wufei" Dr. O snarled. All eyes flew to Wufei at the harsh sound of the chair scraping across the marble tiles from his lurching upward.
"Sorry," Wufei gasped, letting some of the sickness he was feeling show through the L5 mask. "I think something from lunch didn't agree with me." He bolted from the room and made his way to the executive washroom.
Sitting in the end stall, he suddenly did feel sick, very sick.
God. How could he fault Duo if he found release with someone?
Duo knew, they never talked about it, Wufei could never do that to Duo, but ...but Duo knew: Wufei had Merian. Wufei slept with her, regularly. And knowing Wufei Duo knew that, despite all Wufei's intentions, despite everything, it wasn't just a fuck either.
Duo was right. Wufei couldn't be intimate with someone, inside someone, and have it be just a body, just a mindless, physical experience.
He did care for her. He cared about her pleasure, was careful to always bring her to passion...
He didn't love her. He didn't make love to her. It was sex.
But, sex with a friend, sex with someone he cared for.
No matter if it felt like he was shredding his heart each time he felt her shudder beneath him, each time he fell over the edge inside her and WISHED, with all that he was, that it was Duo. It wasn't. He knew it was her, who he was with...
Duo was alone. Desperately alone. And hurting. How could Wufei imagine that Duo would stay that way?
Women, and men, threw themselves at Duo constantly. Even before GUNDAM became as popular as they were, it had been this way. Wufei had seen it himself. Duo was magnetic.
He drew lovers like moths to a flame. His hair was an obvious attraction, that braid swinging above that delectable ass all the time, shining with the myriad of color under the stage lights.
And he just oozed sex, sensuality, pleasure, lust...passion.
If Duo did choose to chase away the pain, to not be alone for a time, to find release Wufei could never, ever fault him.
And Wufei knew too, knowing Duo as he did, that Duo was perfectly capable of being with someone just for the passion.
No emotional involvement, just a body, a physical release. Duo'd explained to him how he'd shut down emotionally after Hilde. How he'd learned to lose himself to physical sensations... sex, alcohol, drugs, dancing... anything to numb the pain. to bury it under his senses.
And Duo was in pain now. Wufei knew that Duo was hurting now just as badly as he'd hurt after Hilde's attack. Maybe worse.
With Hilde, she'd still been there, at first. Hurting, broken, but there. Duo'd had a purpose trying to help.
Then, she'd taken her life. And when she did, she was gone. Utterly gone.
Wufei was gone, but not really. He was there, just out of reach. In sight, but untouchable most of the time... and worse, Wufei was sleeping with someone else. Not just staying there, not just spending time with, but touching and being touched by, someone else...while Duo all but watched. From a distance. Alone.
Wufei panted with the effort not to be sick, but finally gave up and heaved into the bowl, until finally, shaking, he sat back and wiped his mouth. Just as he leaned back against the stall door, he heard a soft voice: "Mr. Chang, are you ok?"
He thought he recognized the voice. A junior executive assistant, recently joining the team, who'd been in the budget meeting. Joe maybe.
Wufei cleared his throat. "I'm... I'm fine." He assured. He stood, shakily, and left the stall. He washed his hands and rinsed his mouth at the sink. "I think, maybe the potato salad at lunch was... off. Tell Dr. O, I'm leaving." He glanced at the kid and left the washroom.
After explaining to Tina about the "potato salad" and that he likely wouldn't be in tomorrow either, he left.
He'd made plans for Merian to spend a long weekend at an island resort with her friend who was visiting from Japan. They were to leave tonight and would return Sunday evening.
He could have the whole weekend with Duo.
Dr. O never pushed the working all weekend button anymore. Still newlywed, it would send the wrong message to Merian's father if Wufei were away every weekend.
GUNDAM was here this weekend. Down time. Damned if Wufei was going to waste this unexpected opportunity.
He'd drop by, see Duo, have an early dinner and then take Merian to the airport before coming back for the night. Duo didn't expect him until later after the airport. He'd surprise him. He had to see Duo. Now.
Wufei pulled into the private parking basement at the Towers rather than the outside lot. He entered the security code for the elevator and composed himself on the ride upstairs. He tried to stop shaking as he made his way down the hall, but it seemed out of his control.
Taking a deep breath, he made his way to the doorway and took a deep breath before trying the handle. The door was locked and several scenarios went through Wufei's mind for why the door was locked, before Wufei clamped down on the fear and forced those thoughts from his mind.
Duo was probably out. Even if... if he... were to... be with someone, he certainly wouldn't bring them here. Wufei unlocked the door and let himself into the apartment.
Wufei stood just inside the door, stunned, as he took in the room. He hadn't been back here since the welcome home after Paris.
The apartment was... well, chaos was really the only way to describe it. Suitcases in various stages of packed/unpacked were all over. On the sofa, the chair, in the hallway. Empty beer cans and liquor bottles were scattered everywhere among pizza boxes and McD bags... the coffee table was buried, the floor near the sofa, the table near the balcony door...
Wufei made his way further into the apartment. The kitchen was worse.
Duo'd obviously been drinking. A lot. Losing himself to the haze and numbness of alcohol.
He'd told Wufei of his coping mechanism when he lost Hilde. Living in a blur. Numb to his surroundings and pain.
How GUNDAM and Zechs had pulled him from the depths of apathy, despair.
But. He'd lived with them then, been with someone almost constantly. It'd been easier for someone to notice if he overdid it. Someone was there, close by, to see the destruction building.
Now... now Duo was living alone; at the apartment where they'd lived and loved so fiercely. Alone, but surrounded by Wufei.
Zechs was teaching and busy, and just not around, physically now, as much as he'd been back then, and GUNDAM was touring, recording, making videos... everyone was so busy, so... distracted.
Wufei felt cold fear clutch at his heart as he considered these things.
A new fear now. Forgotten was the fear of Duo finding warmth in another, now he feared Duo losing himself to a different darkness.
Duo was very emotional. He amplified things. Wufei knew that, he knew Duo fell hard, and lost himself deeply. What if Duo got lost, lost in the dark?
Wufei knew Duo could put on an act very well. He was capable of wearing a mask such that no one would guess just how deeply he was hurting. Especially if he was numb with drink or drugs.
With him living alone, and the guys busy and distracted, he could show up at the studio, or video or photo shoots, put on his mask, and they would have no clue just how far gone he was. How much he was dying... sinking.
Duo's emails had grown more distant over the last few weeks, less those of a lover and more those of a distant friend – as though they were just good friends, like they made out to the media.
He didn't try to initiate phone sex anymore, or describe what he wanted to do, or have done to him in emails...
Wufei had supposed it was too frustrating when it was all going to be left to "rosy palm" to handle, and had refrained too to not frustrate Duo. He wondered now if he should have pushed that aspect more. Maybe Duo felt ... undesired, or... cast aside...
Wufei heard something down the hall and quickly made his way to the bedroom.
Duo. He looked terrible. Gaunt. Pale. And obviously passed out stoned or drunk.
More cases of cans and bottles littered the bedroom. Duo lay rumpled in the center of the bed, naked, one hand wrapped around himself as though he'd fallen asleep reaching for or right after climax.
He looked... sad, almost... in pain, even in sleep. Not the peaceful beautiful Duo Wufei knew.
Not expecting Wufei until around 9 this evening, he'd likely thought to sleep it off and then clean up, hide this...
Wufei made a swift decision. Making his way back to the living room, he pulled out his cell. "Merian" he said quietly when she answered.
He explained about the "potato salad" incident, and reassured her he was okay, likely a bad lunch. But, just in case it was a precursor to something else, he didn't want to expose her before her weekend get-a-way with her friend.
He explained his rock star friend was in town and he would crash there. They were gonna have a guy's night anyway.
Her friend was already there, and she had Yuri to take her to the airport. After confirming that Yuri had arranged her pick up he wished her well and promised to see her when she returned.
Hanging up he sighed deeply. He pocketed the cell and quietly began to clean up.
Three hours or so later, as he pulled another batch of pasties from the oven , he saw from the corner of his eye a bleary eyed, unsteady Duo enter the kitchen wrapped in his plush amethyst robe.
"Wufei" Duo asked, incredulous, "What the hell are you doing here?"
Duo blinked and looked around at the clean kitchen and the racks of cooling pasties, and burritos, and the pot of soup on the stove.
Wufei carefully sat the hot tray he'd just pulled from the oven onto the stove, and slipped another batch in, setting the timer before turning.
Sighing, he answered, "Nissho. Duo." Wufei stepped close to Duo, who was now leaning against the door frame, a look of confusion and, yes irritation, on his face.
"Are you alright, Duo?" Wufei asked and leaned in to caress Duo's jaw before placing a soft kiss on the side of his neck.
"Fuck that Wufei." Duo pulled back, shaking his head, missing the flash of hurt in Wufei's eyes,
"I'm fine." He waved off any concern, "What the hell are you doing here before even fucking six o'clock?" he glanced around the kitchen again, "And how damn early did you get here? What's going on?"
Duo patted his robe pocket absently, and Wufei reached over to the counter, proffering the pack of cigarettes he'd found next to the coffee pot, and a lighter.
As Duo lit up and inhaled, eyes closed, Wufei leaned back against the counter. "So. You're still smoking I see."
Duo glared and Wufei cleared his throat, "Anyway. I left the office early, shortly after lunch. Ditched the budget meeting and begged off with Merian. I... I wanted to see you."
"You did huh?" Duo exhaled a trail of smoke, "why didn't you wake me? How long you been here? Did you clean the whole place?"
Duo glanced back over his shoulder toward the living room, then turned back to the kitchen, "And you've been cooking? A lot. What the hell? Expecting a party? That's a lot of food Wufei."
Wufei sighed, "you've been living on junk food. I figured if I cook up and freeze a few batches of things you like, you won't have to resort to burgers and pizza."
Duo sighed, "I like pizza Wufei." he raked his hand through his hair.
Then deflated a bit. "But I like your cooking more. Look, I'm gonna grab a shower. I'll be back in a bit." He turned, taking a few steps, missing Wufei's involuntarily raised had and the stunned look on Wufei's face. But he stopped just outside the doorway, took a deep breath, and turned back. As he did, he caught the movement of Wufei's hand dropping to his side.
He searched Wufei's face a moment, then two quick strides brought him to Wufei and he swept him into his arms. Some part of him took in Wufei's grip holding him just as tightly as he clung to Wufei.
"I've missed you Kitten " he rasped, "so fucking much. I need a shower, and a toothbrush, to be human. But, I need you more." He turned and nuzzled into Wufei's neck briefly, then pulled back. "Turn off the oven and come shower with me."
Wufei squeezed tighter before stepping back enough to take Duo in a hard, needy kiss. Cutting it short, he stepped back and turned off the oven. Removing the tray of pasties, he slipped them onto the stove and shut off the timer.
Turning back he smiled. "you do need a shower, and a toothbrush, but I don't care." He stepped back in and kissed Duo tenderly, slowly before turning toward the bedroom. "let's get you cleaned up."
Duo looked sheepish and turned his gaze away as they made their way to the bedroom. "you're early Wufei." he shook his head, "I was gonna have the place cleaned up and have some real food ready when you got here."
"I figured'" Wufei answered "I was very early. I didn't mean to... well, I meant to surprise you, but not in a bad way. I... I really wanted to see you."
Wufei watched as Duo undressed and entered the shower. He followed shortly, and pulled Duo back against his chest under the warm spray. Duo leaned into Wufei's support letting his head fall back onto Wufei's shoulder.
Wufei stood there a bit, just enjoying an arm full of Duo. Finally he stood up from against the tile and pushed them a step forward.
He carefully loosened the braid and began to lather Duo's hair, shivering a bit at Duo's moan. Duo loved it when Wufei played with his hair and Wufei loved to run his fingers through the honeyed auburn silk. Washing Duo's hair was a favorite pastime of his. He massaged Duo's scalp, then down over his neck and shoulders. He kept constant contact as he rinsed, then worked on the conditioner.
Duo turned, taking his own turn at washing Wufei while the conditioner soaked. He washed Wufei's hair, and then pulled them both under the spray to rinse. Stepping back forward Duo began to lightly trace his hands over Wufei's body, then following his fingers' path with his tongue. Soon, he found himself on his knees looking up at a flushed, lightly panting Wufei.
He kept his eyes locked on Wufei holding his gaze. "I've missed you Wufei. Missed feeling your hard, hot cock in my mouth." At Wufei's gasp he lunged forward, engulfing Wufei deep into his throat. Wufei's hands tightened in his hair, as his back arched and his head fell back. "Duo" he moaned, deep and long.
Duo Wufei his hands up over Wufei's muscled thighs, tracing back over that fine ass, then forward to cup his heavy sac. "yes Duo" Wufei moaned again, dropping his hand to Duo's shoulders, surrendering himself to Duo.
Duo eased back a bit, then gently encouraged Wufei's hips to rock until he was in a steady, smooth rhythm. He traced his hand back, into Wufei's cleft, and pressed his fingers against his pucker.
'Duo!' Wufei rocked harder, "yes Duo, inside me" his rocking grew more frantic until Duo pressed him back against the tile.
He eased his fingers inside, gently, slowly, twisting, scissoring, until Wufei was panting, clenching his shoulders, begging insensibly: "Duo, oh fuck, Duo please, I need you, your cock, yes Duo."
Releasing Wufei's cock from his mouth, Duo pushed gently, "turn around Wufei." he groaned. Blindly Wufei obeyed, overcome with need, he couldn't stop rocking against those fingers still working inside him.
Duo grabbed the baby oil from the shelf and drizzled it over his hand and Wufei easing the slide. "Wufei" he growled, "I am going to fuck you Wufei now."
He positioned himself even as Wufei called out, 'yes Duo, please yes." He bent Wufei over to grasp the edge of the tub, leaving his ass high.
Watching his cock press against Wufei's pucker he growled again, "hold on Wufei" he plunged into Wufei's tightness in one deep slide, watching his cock disappear into that tight heat, watching Wufei's body pull at him, feeling the grip pulling.
"Ahh!" Wufei called out, throwing his head back as Duo filled him, pushing back, straightening his legs ad locking his knees. "Duo!'
Duo's grip tightened on Wufei's hips, holding him at the angle so he could see every thrust as he felt it, see Wufei open for him. He thrust deeply, harshly, "Wufei." he growled, "Wufei so long Fei."
Wufei started to raise himself up, but Duo pushed him back down, "hold on Fei... hold - on, because - because... I can't" Duo's thrusts increased in speed and depth as he lost himself in fucking Wufei. "so – long." He growled, "So... hot. So.. tight" he pounded into Wufei barely easing up as he felt Wufei's feet slip a bit. Duo threw his head back as he felt the eruption coming, "Wu...fei. Fei!"
Wufei pushed himself back against Duo, tighter, taking him deeper, and locking his left arm, reached his right hand down to pump his own cock. "Duo" he cried, giving voice to the pleasure Duo brought him. "yes Duo, fuck me Duo"
That did it. He was rewarded by Duo's wordless growl and hard, deep, pounding thrusts. Suddenly Duo froze, deep deep inside, and a keening cry was pulled from him, echoing in the bathroom. Feet planted, grip bruising his hips, fingers digging in, Wufei was overwhelmed by the hot pulsing of Duo splashing against his prostate, and the need Duo had for him, pushing him over the edge into his own release.
He pulled and squeezed as he erupted against the edge of the tub. After a moment, spent, he dropped his hand, bringing it back to the tubs edge to keep himself from falling over. He felt Duo stagger behind him as he came back to the present, then his easing back gently. "shit Wufei." Duo hissed, "I'm sorry"
"I'm not." Wufei's voice was warm, loving, sincere. "I'm not sorry at all Duo. That was... incredible. I needed you too Nissho, just as much."
Duo leaned down and helped Wufei to stand, running them both under the now cooling spray before they stepped out and into their robes. Duo stopped at the sink to brush his teeth, then turned, pulling Wufei in for a minty, languid kiss. They staggered to the bed and curled up around each other.
"I didn't mean to be so rough Kitten, just... it's been so long." Duo moaned as he buried his face in Wufei's hair.
Wufei wrapped his arms around Duo, pulling him in close, "I know Nissho. I missed you too, so so much."
Wufei moved them around so he was resting on Duo's shoulder, Duo's arms holding tight, and ran his hands over Duo's chest and stomach. "that's why I came early Duo. I had to see you. I didn't mean to catch you off guard, or anything. I just had to see you."
he twirled a finger around a nipple. "you worried me Nissho. When I arrived. Are you... ok? I mean, I know you're not okay but," he sighed, "You know what I mean." He trailed off.
Duo sighed, "Yeah, I know. No, obviously, I am not okay. But, it's not as bad as it looks. I haven't cleaned up in a while. Most of this mess is from before we left on this last trip. Things snuck up on me then and I didn't straighten before we flew out."
He took a deep breath, "I meant to have most of this, and myself, cleaned up before you got here," he glanced over at the clock, "in another couple hours."
Wufei tilted his head back, looking up at Duo. Wufei's eyes were solemn, nothing new there, but he didn't rise to the teasing tone Duo tried to use.
"I thought as much." Wufei said. He kept looking at Duo, some expression Duo didn't understand playing across his features, along with the worry already there.
Wufei cleared his throat, closed his eyes, and snuggled in deeper against Duo. "I'm glad I came early Duo. I'm glad I saw. I don't want your mask, your act. I know you're hurting. I know it's easier to interact with the mask, that somehow it masks part of the pain from yourself. And while I don't' want to see you hurt, especially from pain caused by me, I don't want the front, the act, either. If you're pissed, or depressed, in a dark or black mood, angry... don't cover it, don't bury it and hide it from me, smiling and pretending. It'll just fester and grow worse."
He turned again, looking back up at Duo. "I know. Please, don't lie to me Duo. Don't hide. Not from me."
Duo held Wufei's gaze from some time before closing his eyes. "I understand Wufei." he trailed his fingers through Wufei's hair, twirling an a lock of hair between his fingers, "and sometimes I do need the mask. The darkness is right there Wufei. like quicksand, trying to suck me in. especially during down time. Here, alone, at night..."
he let his voice trail off, then started up in a bit when Wufei didn't say anything, just held him tighter. "When I'm out with GUNDAM, performing, with fans, in clubs, I have a focus. I'm able to lose this, lose me, bury it. But when I'm sitting here, waiting for a call, or a visit, that may or may not come, I can't think of anything but you.
Either this you, my you" his hold tightened, "your love, your touch, your voice. Or worse, I dream of you, feel you remember you, taste you, then... I wake up," Duo all but growled, then his hold fell away, "I start wanting you, and I can't have you, unless that rare call comes, and then I'm left to my own touch, my faithful "rosy palm" and her buddy Jack Daniels."
Duo's voice had grown hard, bitter, and Wufei knew he wasn't done, not at all. Duo's hold grew tighter, fierce "then I think of, or dream of, the other you. The you I can't touch. The you that is being touched by, and touching, someone else. You with her."
He was holding so tight now, Wufei found it hard to breath, his voice so cold, so bitter. "I can see it Wufei." Duo went on, his voice deadening and Wufei knew his eyes were closed tight, he wasn't even sure if Duo really remembered he was there,
"I can see it," Duo whispered, hissed really, "you pounding into her. Her small pixie hands on you, her little legs wrapped around you, you touching her, her calling your name. I can hear you, calling –"
he took a fast breath, "your face. That look on your face when you cum Wufei. That look that was only mine." Duo growled, was almost panting.
Wufei raised himself up to look at Duo and was knocked breathless by the pain there, the pain and rage on Duo's face. Eyes clenched shut as he went on, "that catch in your voice, that I love to hear when you call out, that call of 'yes'. But not yes Duo. No. Now I hear your voice calling and it's yes Merian as you find that moment with her."
Suddenly Wufei found himself pressed flat on his back, Duo hovering over him, glaring at him for a bare second, then Duo was up, on the side of the bed, head cradled in his hands as he tried to pull himself together.
Wufei pulled himself to his knees behind Duo and placed a trembling hand on Duo's back. Before he could say anything, Duo went on, anguish giving his voice a timbre Wufei had never heard before, it tore at him, shredded his heart to hear it.
"the worst part is, the Wufei I know, and I know, you hold her, like I hold you, like you hold me. I know Wufei. I know you have to. I know it's who you are. Just sex maybe, but it is not in your makeup not to care. And bringing her to that point, hearing her call your name, you're gonna hold her, protect her, caress her. Let her small, soft hands touch you, pet you. you may think of me. Maybe. Maybe not. But not at that moment. At that moment Wufei you are not mine. You're hers. And it's killing me."
Duo's voice was so soft by the end Wufei almost didn't hear, even with his head resting right against Duo's back, even so close.
Duo slumped down, then started to shake, rocking, his arms wrapped tight around his middle as though holding himself together.
Wufei drew closer, slowly, wrapping his arms around Duo, pulling him close back against him, rocking with him.
He realized he was speaking softly, over and over, "yours Duo, yours." He raised his voice and held on tighter. "I am yours Duo. I swear."
He held on until Duo's trembling eased off and he began to relax. Gently, Wufei eased them down until they lay spooned together. He held Duo as tightly as he could, whispering he knew not what into Duo's ear until Duo slipped into an exhausted sleep.
Wufei lay there a long time after Duo nodded off, staring at the ceiling. How much longer before Duo broke, before one of them became so dead inside they couldn't go on... well, one thing he could do was put a stop to the uncertainty. He would explain to Merian that he needed some guy time.
When GUNDAM was in town he would schedule a firm meeting time. At least then Duo wouldn't be sitting, waiting. He would make time. Whatever it took. Duo deserved that.
Hell, he deserved an end to this nightmare, but Wufei shied away with very fiber of his being at the thought of ending them. There had to be a way out, somehow... he would find a way to get them through this. Some way, without Duo being destroyed. Without losing himself beyond recovery.
He knew, a part of his soul died every time he lay with Merian. That would lessen too.
He'd work later hours, more weekends. Travel with Mamaru. Spend more time with Mei. Find a way to ease away from her, naturally, normally, so he wouldn't hurt too her as badly as he hurt Duo.
Finally Wufei drifted off too, exhausted, despairing of finding an end that wouldn't leave three souls destroyed...
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Over the coming months, things changed. GUNDAM toured more and more. Finding time together grew more and more difficult. Tabloids exploited more on Duo's excessive clubbing, partying, the ultimate rocker bad boy. They built up too, the "relationship" between Duo and Noin, in together's company often.
Duo explained that Noin had come from a relationship with a married boss, one that had developed over time, and where she'd swallowed the "I'm gonna leave her soon, she treats me like shit" lines for three years before she woke up and faced reality.
His bolting from their bed when his cell rang with his wife calling because she was in labor kinda hit her over the head and she'd ended it.
Gone into the music executive field where she was too busy, and traveled too much, to be lonely or miss things. She was less than a year apart from him and looking for no relations right now. But, one always needed a friend.
Duo had told her a bit of his story. She didn't know who Wufei was, but she got the idea. She was supportive, without being judgmental or condescending. Wufei was glad Duo had her as a friend.
Wufei knew Duo hadn't been with anyone else. Those few times they were together always began with frantic lovemaking, Duo mumbling or calling out always at some point about "so long, Wufei so long" Wufei always made sure to bring Duo to a quick early release before settling in to worship Duo's body for as many hours has they had available.
But the party persona, the drinking, the drugs, Wufei worried about that. All too often Wufei would hear from a depressed or worried Duo who was far enough gone in his cups that he would call Wufei at any hour, or text or email the strangest, sometimes saddest messages.
Wufei explained to Merian that being a rock star wasn't all the movies made it out to be. It was lonely, stressful, tiring. And he told her his friend had lost someone dear to him and was just trying to deal.
Wufei could see in the appearances GUNDAM made, or when caught by reporters, how gaunt Duo was growing. He was never without shades now. Those beautiful eyes covered, hiding behind darkened glass day or night.
Wufei would come to the apartment when he had an unexpected evening, or a cancelled appointment to find a hammered Duo. Or a Duo who was practically unconscious.
In fact, this happened enough times, with Duo responding with growing irritation, escalating to anger "you checking up on me Wufei?" that Wufei made sure not to do it anymore. If he had unexpected time, he would text Duo. If he didn't answer, Wufei didn't come over.
Wufei was at a loss how to approach this problem. He knew, he had no right really, to be angry or to try to control anything Duo did. He knew Duo was trying to numb the pain, anger... loss. It was his fault Duo was this way, in this spiral, and he truly had no idea how to stop it.
Wufei had distanced himself from Merian as much as he consciously could. They'd settled in to the "Married couple" routine, sex once or twice a week, roses now and then. She was the typical executive wife: shopping, spas, time with the girls...
Still, no matter his efforts, Wufei obviously was not there for Duo as Duo needed. Duo was a very... physical person. Wufei missed Duo's touch, body, taste, hands,... but he knew, no matter how he missed Duo, he knew with every fiber of his soul that as much as he loved or needed Duo, Duo needed more.
First of all, Wufei had Merian. although he was withdrawing from her, he couldn't forgo relations with her entirely. So he did get to find physical release somewhat regularly.
And that lack of touch, that need to be held or touched, to touch another, that need that was being stifled, ignored, in Duo's life led to more whiskey, more vodka, more pot, more whatever Duo could get, or wanted to get. And less care that Duo took for himself. Wufei could see him wasting away.
Rumors began to circulate of unrest with the band. Of maybe too high too soon. Missed practices, one fumbled appearance at an outdoor festival where Duo'd had to restart a song when he got lost in the middle made headlines.
Speculation about how hammered Duo was 90 percent of the time was fodder for the vultures for weeks. Dr. O had a heyday with that one. Making sure to bring it up in every conversation he had when Wufei was in the room, grateful that L5 had not signed GUNDAM.
The other members of GUNDAM did not come out and directly blame Wufei. No, they didn't confront him or send hate mail or anything, but none would return his calls or emails, no matter how worried he was about Duo, no matter what he tried.
The holidays this year were a sharp contrast to the last. No laughter, no mistletoe escapades, no rowdy football games...
GUNDAM was on extended tour in southern states. Communication from Duo was minimal. When they did talk, Duo was alternating between quiet, reserved – totally not Duo – or bitter, angry, lost – or blubbering and sad...
Wufei sent a Christmas gift, but GUNDAM had changed a tour date due to a blizzard and it didn't catch up to Duo until almost New Year's... Wufei withdrew into his L5 shell, deeper, farther than ever.
Finally, it was Zechs who confronted Wufei about Duo's deepening spiral. After apparently one 2 am call too many from an anguished, drunken Duo, Zechs showed up at Wufei's home. Waiting outside one dawn as Wufei came out for the morning paper, he stood there, leaning against the garage door.
Wufei startled and automatically thought the worst at seeing Zechs in his driveway at barely 6am. "Zechs?" he asked as he stood there, and was shaken by the cold, malicious anger emanating from the man as he answered.
"tell your wife you have an unexpected morning meeting and meet me at the diner at 5th street in half an hour. If you're not there, I am coming back here, and we will talk in your living room."
He turned to leave, but Wufei reached for his sleeve, "Wait! What's wrong? Is Duo-?"
Zechs cut him off. "Duo's fucked Wufei and you know it. He's so fried he doesn't know what damn city they're in half the time. Look. I am not getting into this here. Come to the diner." He walked away.
Wufei stood there, shocked. Damn, what had happened? He shook himself and made his excuses to Merian.
Meeting Zechs at the suggested diner, a wary Wufei took his seat at the corner table. Zechs wasted no time.
He pushed the cup of coffee at Wufei and as soon as he took a sip he began. "you're killing him Wufei and it has to stop." Zechs opened.
Wufei sighed inwardly. Duo was okay. At least, as ok as possible. But he wasn't hurt somewhere or anything. Duo must have unloaded on Zechs. Good. He needed to be able to unload on someone.
Zechs went on. "Look. I know, you're fucked too. This whole thing is a screwed up mess. But Duo is sinking. Fast. And he doesn't care anymore. Something has to give Wufei. I mean it, you're killing him. That "incident" they blew up in Rolling Stone? That was actually worse than they made it out to be. Trowa said they had to do an instrumental number after the fuck up song before Duo could pull it together enough to sing." Zechs sighed, rubbed both hands over his face, and looked into Wufei's shocked, worried eyes.
"Let him go Wufei. End it. Before it's too late. Before he loses GUNDAM and everything else too. Before he loses himself, and we lose him." He shook his head. "I am telling you. if you don't find some way out of this, you're gonna lose him in a much worse, more permanent way than if you end it and let him go."
Wufei sat there, shocked, but not. Numb, scared, resigned... "Zechs. I have talked to Duo about "ending it" as you put it. About letting him go. I can see what this is doing to him, to both of us. I..."
Wufei swallowed, "I talked to him about, finding release ... with someone. He was adamant that it would not happen. I talked to him about... letting me go, for his own sanity. He would hear nothing of it."
Wufei looked down at his coffee. "Duo knows. I love him. I have never loved anyone, or anything, aside from Mei. I love him Zechs. I have tried to steer him away, tried everything I know to make the time we do have better. He refuses to quit. He wants me, he loves me, and as long as he wants me here, well... I can't walk way if he wants me Zechs, I can't"
Wufei closed his eyes, remembering the last time he'd talked to Duo. The argument about Duo fucking another, the makeup sex, the resignation and defeat as Duo told him he couldn't give up.
Duo wanted out, Wufei knew, wanted away from the drama, the pain, the fear. but just as much, he was terrified to give in. knowing, if he did give up and walk away, they might never be able to fix it.
But, what was going to be left if he didn't?... Zechs' voice pulled Wufei from his musings.
"Fine then Wufei. I will ... support Duo in this, as his brother, I will be there to pick up the pieces, but... I don't know what will be left when it's done. And I will tell you now. If he gets the balls to go, I will do all in my power to help him.
GUNDAM is seriously discussing a sabbatical. A "separation" if you will. Quatre's computer business is well enough established he can take a break, no problem. Heero, well, he's with Quatre, and his physical fitness thing, combined with the stardom GUNDAM has now, means anyone would work with him on choreography and training in a heartbeat.
Trowa, he's been spending wisely. Has opened a couple restaurants and is quite willing to take a year or so off and cook. He loves it... anyway, if Duo can find it in himself to walk away, you have to let him Wufei."
Wufei turned his gaze out the window. "I know." He whispered, "I know Zechs. Please. Just remember. I love him. This is killing me too. I'm just not on entertainment tonight, or drowning it in alcohol."
He sighed, "look. I have to get to the office. Take care, and take care of Duo, as only you can." Wufei threw a 20 on the table and walked away.
Zechs watched the overburdened figure walk away, the defeat clearly heavy on his shoulders, and closed his eyes.
Wufei had looked every bit as dead and beat as Duo sounded. The deadness in his eyes just as Duo'd described from when they first met...
Damn. This whole thing just was so fucked...