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Okay, spoiler alert: Sirius, for the purposes of this story, does not die.

The summer holidays had arrived. Harry wrote as often to Yaxley as he did Sirius, although Sirius didn't like to hear about Harry drawing on Dudley's face with lipstick. Yaxley, however, was fully entertained by this and often begged for Harry to do it again.

In fact, that featured prominently in the first letter he got. It read,

Dear Harry,

Please continue to draw on your cousin with lipstick.

My trip went well, thank you. I was in China. Enclosed are some really, really old eggs. They're like 10 minutes old. Or 15 days. Or a lot of years. I don't really care. Enjoy.

I won't spoil anything, but I will tell you that I talked to the two of them about the dance battle.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for the jam. I loved it more than I've ever loved anything in my life.

I'm very angry. I went to the zoo and stole you a monkey. I was going to send it to you in a nice gift-wrapped box, but then Dolohov just had to try and use it as a bath pouf and it fled out the window. Niiiice.

Love, Your Yaxleyness.

P.S.: If I can make a suggestion, you could be Harry I-Ate-Too-Much-Broccoli Potter.

Harry decided to sleep on it.

Ron was no longer writing to Macnair, and Draco was forbidden to write to Jugson. So Neville was the only one still in correspondence with his penpal.

He didn't tell his grandmother and his parents fell asleep whenever he tried to discuss it with them, but Neville liked writing to Dolohov. He always sent Neville a heart-shaped box of chocolates.

One day, while Augusta was out shopping, Neville noticed a letter from his penpal. It read

Neville,

I'm glad you write to me now. All Draco ever did is whine about how much he wanted to go to Durmstrang. Who cares?

I'll go by either name. It doesn't even matter anymore. But do not call me Snookums.

Bellatrix ate all my fortune cookies. The Dark Lord didn't believe me when I said I didn't hex her.

I think I'm going to shave my head. It would make me feel better if you shaved yours too.

Neville, I tried to tell her, I really did, but I don't think she heard me, because she was unconscious due to someone that wasn't me hexing her.

Now can I please have my mammoth?

Antonin Dolohov.

A few days later, Hermione visited her parents. She had convinced Bellatrix to stay outside with Lulu, who tried to lick her face.

"Hi Mum." she said "Hi Dad."

"Hermione!"

"How was Hogwarts?"

"How are your friends?"

"Was the food good?"

"Where was the field trip this year?"

"Are you still writing to those prisoners?"

"Good, good, yes, the mountains, and some people do, but we don't have to. I don't write to mine anymore."

"Why not?"

"Because she's outside."

Needless to say, the Grangers were taken aback. "Here? At our house? Hermione."

"Mum, she begged me to let her come."

"Get rid of her, Hermione."

Hermione walked outside to find Bellatrix braiding her hair and eating Cream of Wheat while Lulu painted her toenails. She remembered when she spent her whole summer teaching her sheep to do this.

"Bella, you're going to have to leave."

"That's Bellatrix to you. Just because I got you in doesn't mean we can ditch the formalities."

"Anyway, I accidentally told my parents you were here and you're going to need to leave."

"But I love Lulu."

"I have a fun idea. How about you cut that rope over there and take Lulu with you, and we can blame it on the neighbors. I don't see her enough."

"We can't. I accidentally-on-purpose killed a Muggle last night."

"And this means you can't steal a sheep?"

"The Dark Lord doesn't like sheep."

"Oh, all right."

Hermione poked her head through the door. "Mum and Dad, I'm overstaying my welcome and I should probably leave. I'll come back in a few weeks. Bye" And before they could protest or force a cup of tea on her, she unexpectedly seized Bellatrix from behind and they Disapparated.

Eventually, the Dursleys refused to give Harry breakfast until he wrote to Sirius, so he did.

He just wrote what was on his mind at the time which was:

Dear Sirius/Padfoot/Snuffles,

Please just pick one, okay?

My aunt Petunia told me I can write to you or I can go without breakfast so I decided to write to you because I'm hungry.

My cousin Dudley tried to propose to his friend Piers last night, so I make him kiss Mrs. Figg.

Did you know Hermione joined the Death Eaters? I haven't seen her since.

Do you think she could defect if I made pancakes for all the Death Eaters? You could help. I know you like pancakes.

I shaved my uncle Vernon's mustache and blamed it on his sister Aunt Marge, who isn't even my real aunt.

The Dursleys won't let me listen to Christmas music because they say you don't do that in July. This is the very reason why I hate them.

Harry who-really-needs-to-go-eat Potter

For all that the Dursleys gave him an apple. Harry decided he officially hated Muggles.

Little did he know the Muggles loved him.

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