Loosing it

Chapter 11

Gabriella's POV

I cried myself to sleep last night and that caused me to look like hell. My mom let me skip school today which was good because I don't think I could face anyone today. I don't think I could face my mom and dad tomorrow morning. I stayed home from school today, I played the sick card again. It was Thanksgiving and my mom was downstairs trying to cook the turkey while Dad and the twins were in the living room playing. Well more like Dad watching the football and the kids just sleeping. They had life easy didn't they?

When I wasn't asleep last night I thought of what I said to Troy. I told him I was pregnant. Why did I have to have such a bad temper? I was laying in my bed when my phone started beeping by two pm. I knew it was my friends. Troy probably told the great news. The news that wasn't true.

I could feel the tears starting to burn in my eyes. I couldn't do this alone. I could tell someone about the cancer and worry them or I could just keep it to myself to keep everyone happy…the second choice sounded right, but I just…the lying seemed like it was my second nature again and I don't want that. I want to be the new Gabriella. Maybe that's what's wrong with me. I re-programmed myself to a new person that could please everyone around her…

I programmed myself for everyone else. Did I program myself for Harvard? My phone beeped again. I groaned and sat up in my bed and touched the screen. Five new Messages. I pressed the view now later choice and laid it back down. My bedroom door opened.

"Gabi, dinner is almost ready Taylor called…" My mom said trailing off.

"Can you tell them that I'm just sleeping please." My voice sounded cracked as I spke for the first time today.

"Have you been crying?" my mom asked me. I smiled and closed my eyes and turned to face her.

"Just my head ache and my cramps not a good combo." I said to her.

She rolled her eyes and smiled at me. "Wait till you get older honey your old age gets worse." She closed my door and walked downstairs laughing.

"I'm going to be able to grow old." I whispered to myself. I must have fallen asleep again because my mom shook me., she smiled at me and told me dinner was ready in ten. I got up and took a shower and went downstairs just in time. We said our prayers and then we started to eat. My mom and Dad were now feeding the twins in between their bites of food. I quietly slipped pieces of my food to Nell and Molly when they weren't looking. I wasn't that hungry tonight and I just wanted to go to sleep. I got up from the table and I heard Jim asking my mom if I was ok. She said I was under the weather with women stuff and he immediately went to the topic of work.

As I was going upstairs the door bell rang and I went to answer it, but I wish I had let my mom answer it instead. Troy.

"Troy…hi." He looked dead if that was possible. His blue eyes were a dark ring of gray.

"Gabriella, ummm can I come in?" he asked me I could see a little sparkle.

"No we're eating dinner and I have to get back what's wrong?" the sparkle lets his eyes.

"Um I just… Gabriella if you're worried about me not being there for the baby I'll be there for our child. Really will. I'll, I'll save up and buy a house for us we can get married I even went through the attic in my house and found my old crib it's yellow and it's in prefect condition. I told my parents and they will help us with everything…" he was going on and on and I couldn't help, but cry he would stay with me if we were going to have a baby…I lied to him and I… I can't do this. I was going to start to have a panic attack if I didn't stop him.

"Troy."

"Annd we can…-"

"TROY"

He stopped talking and looked at me with hopeful eyes.

"I…um the baby…I already took care of it. I'm sorry you wasted your time." He looked like he was going to cry.

"Look I'm sorry Troy, but can you not call me for the rest of the vacation or come here please. Just do me that. I'll…I'll see you later." He just walked away and I could feel my heart shatter, but I did that. I'm the one who broke him and me. I shook my head and closed the door. I ran upstairs and locked my room. I went under my bed and took the razor and bag out from under there. I set them on top of my bed and looked at them I was eager to just get high and slit my wrists.

Instead I took the bag and razor and threw them under my bed. I hate myself. I paced my room. I broke him…I broke me. I broke my new programmed self. I fell to the floor and cried myself to sleep there.

The next morning I took a shower and smiled to my parents as I put my bag full of clothes in the back of the cab that I was taking to the airport. I got in the cab and gave him the address of the Hospital. He gave me a questioning look. "I said the Hospital, now please." He turned around in his seat and started driving. Thank God I just wanted to get this over with. When I walked inside the hospital I felt my nerves die down and I felt calm as I checked myself and was brought to my room.

It wasn't a shared room and I was happy. I slipped into my gown before the nurse came in to check my vitals and have me sign some forms and what not. Saturdays are one of the best days of the week, but I now hate them. Dr. Wilson walked into my room three hours after I checked in and I smiled.

"Well hello Gabriella. How are you doing today?"

"I'm good."

"Nervous?"

"No the hospital makes me surprisingly nervous free." I said to him.

"Really normally people come in here and are freaked out even doctors. What do you want to be when you grow up?"

"Umm, I'm not entirely sure…" he nodded his head as he read over my information

"Ok so the surgery should last an hour and half, that's what we're planning for and on Monday you're going to have your first radiation therapy. A nurse will be in here in five minutes to help you get ready."

He left the room and I sat there in m bed. When I was in the OR I had a mask placed over my mouth and nose. I counted down from ten inhaling deeply. Before five I fell into a deep sleep. Everything was so colorful and alive in my dreams. Troy and I looked so happy as memories flashed through my head as if I our life was put into a movie and I was watching it on HD…his eyes were the first things I would always notice about him when I saw him, but then the movie seemed to turn into the conversation in my room.

"Are you accusing me of doing drugs?"

I watched myself as I yelled at him.

"…maybe because I'm pregnant…"

I shot up in my bed, but once I got in my surroundings I realized I wasn't home and I wasn't in Florida either I was in the hospital and that's when I felt a faint pain in my right breast. I lifted my hand and grazed it softly. I couldn't feel the pain, but I knew I would feel it sooner when the nurse would lower my morphine down. I laid back down in the bed and looked at the window. The sun was rising it was Sunday…I think. I felt like a week passed in my dreams…nightmares what ever you want to call them.

"Well look who's up." I looked at the door and saw Justin, but when I blinked I saw Dr. Wilson standing there smiling at me. I smiled back.

"You have been out since Saturday and it is now Monday." He said sitting down next to my bed.

"Wow…how did my surgery go?" I asked him. He smiled at me.

I couldn't tell if that was a sad smile or a good smile. "It went well Gabriella. It's so good we got the whole thing out and it wasn't five centimeters it was only four. We got it out and your radiation will be twice a week for one month instead of two months. That's how good it was." He said to me. I smiled and let out a breath.

"Are you ok?'

"Yeah I'm fine…I just need to…I'm tired." I said smiling at him. "What time is it?"

"Well it is 7 AM." He said looking at his watch.

"Ok thank you."

"Well at three you will have your first round of radiation." He said and left the room. I grabbed my cell phone from my bag that was under my bed and dialed my house.

"Hello?" My mom said into the phone.

"Mom it's me Gabriella. I'm sorry I didn't call last night."

"Oh don't worry dear I called your cousin she said you went to sleep when you got there. Is it nice there?"

"Yeah the weather is amazing we're going down to the beach in five minutes." I said lying down in my hospital bed.

"Ok honey call me whenever have fun."

"Love you."

"Love you too." I ended the call and looked over the text messages that piled over the pass few days. Sixteen messages from Jake. Ten from Kelsi, Taylor, nine from Chad and Ryan…the list went on. I didn't have any test messages from Troy after Friday night.

I ruined my life just by one little secret

I broke two hearts

I lost someone

And I think I lost my friends

Just because I was working too hard

A/N OK five pages people. I hope you all like it. I had a very busy day. I went to the city and got my new cell phone. I paid for it and when you pay for something with money you earned you treat that item with a lot more care. I got the LG Voyger. Very very very hppy haha.

Ok so I hope you guys like this chapter:) took me a while to put some emotion into it. I hope you guys think there is emotion in it and that there was enough of it. Now I'm going to go get ready for church

I'm hoping my updating will become freguent, but then again with school and my grades trying to raise them into first honors that's going to be hard and SATs are in may…I want to go stay at Nether land…with Peter Pan.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS:)

Lisa

xoxox