Chapter 14:

I woke up with a start.

I was lying still on a futon. The blanket was surprisingly comfortable, and the sheet I was on perfectly accustomed to my body.

As I scanned the room around me, I suddenly remembered the location.

This was Chitanda's house.

I sat up from my position, straining to remember what happened before I fell unconscious. My mind drifted in several different directions at once, but I couldn't remember exactly what happened.

Someone in the other room had over heard me. Uneven footsteps ran down the hallway to my right side, and walked inside my room. I wasn't exactly surprised at the name of my visitor.

"Hotaru? Are you alright?"
Chitanda kneeled down next to my bed sheet. I turned to face her, and nodded.

"I'm fine. A little disoriented, kind of dizzy," I scratched the back of my neck. "But yeah, I'm fine."
"Good,"
An awkward air developed inside of the room. I then remembered a question I probably should have asked immediately after she walked in.

"What happened to me?"
She nervously stared down at the floor and threw her hand across her forehead. "Do… Are you ready to hear about it?"
"Please,"
"Alright," Her eyes crept towards the open door she entered from. "Apparently, while you were talking to the executive in charge of the research being done on radiation, you… transformed."
Gruesome images flashed through my head. I doubled over in pain just recalling those memories.

"Are you alright?"
I let myself take a couple of quick breaths before continuing. "Go on,"
"They sedated you, and were somehow able to return you to your original form," She fidgeted uneasily in her seat. "He wasn't very specific on the details."
"How did I get here?"
"A couple of his workers drove up in a limousine, and told us what happened." She met my eyes, just like she had so many times before. Only, there was no sense of casual curiosity emanating from her gaze. All I could see was concern. "They said that your condition had been temporarily subdued, but it will only be a couple of hours before you start… changing again."

I dug my hand fearfully through my bangs. After a moment of consideration, I looked back at her.

"Are you the only one I know here?"
"No," She clarified. "Ibara-san, Satoshi-san and your sister are here, too."
My shock had lessened. Nothing that had happened at the facility had really surprised me. She didn't know the details, but I could infer the rest.

They had sedated me, and made sure no one knew I'd gone through the condition that I had.

And there really was no antidote.
I also suspected there was something they were trying to hide. But that didn't matter anymore. Now that I knew what he said was true, there was no turning back.

"Tell them that I want to see them. There's something I have to say."
Unsure of my intentions, Chitanda eyed me for a few moments before honoring my request. I stared up at the ceiling, making a point of the dark shadows cast by the room's relative shielding from light.

Even though I had convinced myself otherwise, I was still unsure that telling them about my plan was a bad idea. After what had happened, though, it was undeniable that I would have to let them know everything. I'd almost confirmed that leaving without any explanation would have been even harder for them.

I'd considered a compromise, maybe leaving a note that explained everything. In my current state, though, I knew I'd be bedridden for a couple of hours, and I was worried they might feel I was demeaning them by letting them know in such an impersonal manner.

It had only been about eight seconds before Satoshi, Mayaka, and my sister showed their faces through the narrow doorway. Instinctively, Satoshi flashed on the light. Aside from my sister, the group gathered around to hear what I had to say.

"Are you okay?" Satoshi asked. "'You feeling any other symptoms of pain?"
"I knew there was something up with that demonstration," Mayaka added, ignoring my silent pleas. "Don't worry; we'll help you get to the end of this in whatever way we can."

"Hotaru," Chitanda broke in between the others. "What can we do to help?"
My sister hadn't said a word. She didn't inform me of any conclusions, she didn't ask to make sure I was okay. That scared me for some reason.

"I'm afraid I won't need any help with this," I tugged at my collar, nervously searching for something unquestioning to set my eyes on. My sister's gaze pierced through me, regardless of which direction I looked. "You see, I… Well, with everything that's happened, I don't have any other options."
"What do you mean?" Satoshi said, his voice straining. "Hotaru, tell us what's going on-"
"He's planning to leave,"
I knew it.

She'd figured out what I was planning to do. That's why she hadn't said a word the entire time she was here.

She wanted to make sure I knew she understood.

"Leave?" Satoshi looked back at me. "What's she talking about?"
"He's going to leave because he can't deal with his condition," She glared towards me, anger deeply rooted in her eyes. "In other words, he's a coward."
I couldn't muster up any type of response. I found it hard to deny I was a coward; maybe the reason I didn't want to try anything else was because I'd given up.

"Leave… You mean you're leaving society?" Mayaka threatened.
"Yes," I didn't leave any room for their emotions to settle. I had to get this over with.

"Leave?" Tears stung at the back of Chitanda's eyes. "Does, does that mean-?"
"My sister's right," I stood up from the blanket. I wanted to make my decision seem more firm. The others looked just like I did. "I'm a coward. But that doesn't mean I'm doing this for me."
I scanned the group around me.
"I haven't told you what he said to me. About my condition and what was happening to me."
Those memories had started to return t me after Chitanda explained what had happened. It also reminded me why they were so against my decision now.

"The man at the research department said that the radiation is going to keep spreading throughout my body." My eyes lost their firm settlement. "It's not going to stop any time soon. Over time, I'm going to lose more and more of my sentience. My body will look just like what I've been transforming to all this time. And, after the mutation has run its course,"
I slumped down against the wall to my right side. "I'm going to die."
The words fell on the people around us. I was sure my sister already knew what I was going to say, yet the others still looked surprised. Satoshi was the first to object.

"Don't act stupid!" He yelled. "After everything you've done, you're just going to give up? There's something he's keeping from us; I know there is."
"Not anything that has any meaning to me," I clenched my right arm. "It doesn't matter what sort of conspiracy he may be a part of. There's nothing I can do to stop this."
"I won't accept that!" He took a few steps towards me. "You can't give up, not after everything you've accomplished; after everything we've done us friends! You may be able to abandon everything you love because you're depressed, but we can't!"
The tears welled up in his eyes fell in an infrequent stream onto the floor. "We're not letting you leave. We're going to find a way to stop this. There has to be!"
"What about your sister?" Mayaka added. "What about the plan she's offered you? Maybe there's a way to halt the mutation-"

"It doesn't matter how much I try," I walk away from them, further towards the door. "This mutation affects the cells in my body. No amount of control is going to stop that. No matter how much longer I can prolong my life, that doesn't change the fact that I'm still going to die."
I stare back at them, my eyes pleading.

"You can't stop me from leaving."
I heard quiet sobbing arising from my right side. Distracting my eyes, I followed them towards the direction of the sound.

Chitanda was crying. It was almost as if she'd already accepted that I was going to leave. I tightened my fist in order to keep myself calm.

"You see?" Satoshi grabbed me by the collar. "Do you see what you're doing? Do you know what you're doing?"
"Satoshi-!"
"You told me that I shouldn't cause pain like that!" Her cries intensified Satoshi's words. "You said that I needed to confront my problems, and now you're doing exactly what you told me not to. You're running away from everything! You are nothing but a lazy coward-!"
"Idiot!"
I shove him away from me.
"What is wrong with you?! Did you not hear a word I said? I'm going to die. Nothing I say matters anymore. I can't... I can't follow up on anything I say! It will only hurt worse if I say anything now, if I do anything now. You need to get used to the fact I'm going to die, sooner rather than later."
I turned towards my sister.
"And what do you have to say? How can you tell me there's another way to stop this?"
She looked towards my way, stress prevalent in her eyes.
"And what about the other people? How am I supposed to live with myself if I hurt someone else? What if I hurt one of you?"
I pointed to each one of them.

"Over time, I've come to care about all of you. More than I thought you ever could. A… A family is supposed to look out for each other. If I stayed, I would hurt one of you. I know I would."
I slipped past my sister, and barred myself stiffly to the ground.
"It would be selfish of me to stay. It wouldn't be fair for any of you."
Chitanda's tears had frozen where they were.

"Get used to the fact I'm going to leave," I grabbed my coat from a hanger in the hallway. "Because I'm not letting anyone get hurt because of me."
I felt a tug at my right arm.

Tomoe.

"You idiot," She muttered under her breath.
"You idiot!"
She slapped me across the face. It had been the first normal pain I'd felt in a long time.

"You tell us we're not listening. Are you? Are you listening to a word they're telling to you?"
She jerked me by the collar. "If you are going to die, if there's really no way to help you, then you spend every minute you can with them."
She slapped me again.

"You said it would be selfish of you to stay. That it would do nothing but hurt the people around you." She stared almost hatefully into my eyes.

"But you're wrong. Leaving everyone you're close to is selfish!"
"I can't," I shook myself out of her grasp. "I've lived under your authority all this time. I accepted that. But you can't convince me what I'm doing is wrong."
I took a step backwards.

"Do you realize the risks? The dangers? Are peoples' lives worth short-term happiness? Are you willing to make deals with peoples' lives now just because of something like this?"
I tightened the collar closer around my neck. I took another step back.
"I can't keep this up." My eyes started to fill with tears. "I-I can't watch you when I die."
Her eyes widened with shock. She hadn't taken my statement the right way.

At that moment, I didn't care.

"It doesn't matter," I took several steps back. "I have to go,"
Before anything else could happen, I ran. Distant voices calling my name were the last thing I heard before I escaped.