Diary Wars

Omg, mentions of mansex! If that squicks you, don't read!

Names in ( ) indicate whose diary follows. Chapters are arranged in chronological order, datewise.

(Caramelina)

Dear Emem,
Now that I have finished being sick, I think it is alright to sit here writing this. You, diary, are my only friend as it seems. It makes me numb so much more than it pains me, for I do not understand the misfortune which has been cast upon me. I am as always, going to complain, but I'm not a child. I settled that when I went off and got myself pregnant as everyone so kindly puts it.
I hope-to god- that no Slytherin finds this out anytime soon, I would be murdered not only by them, but by my father. Which is my first worry, he would undoubtedly kill my baby, I know this because if he could come within inches of killing his own...he is capable of anything. What can I do now? My previous plan (which was supposed to help me feel better) made me feel worse... would you like to hear a sad story yet again? I am this time calmer in telling it as my system will not be able to take anymore break downs, especially since it will do harm to the baby.

Today was the day that I finally went back to classes after my long absence. Not only did i get strange looks, but a great big hug from Lily and Alice, I think they thought I'd never come out of my dorm. Still it was too much for me to handle, I couldn't even look at Sevy, let alone talk to him, we kept bumping into each other while trying to put the ingredients into our potions, and lack of communication didn't help either. So I gave up, and after potions I retreated back to the slytherin common room, put on my pj's and wrapped myself in a blanket. I had finished all the homework assigned in every class(Abigail yet again my god –send) so I decided to tidy up the place (the house elves would have less work later on that night). My head was spinning and I felt like I'd throw up but I needed something to keep me busy.
After a quick wipe down of the little mantles, and a small cleaning of the chairs, I found something logged in between the couch cushions of Sevy's favorite couch.

Of course, I knew what it was right away when I saw it, the small book was filled with tiny writing that could only be Severus's, I opened it cautiously at first, knowing that this was wrong but something fuelled me to continue. I read every entry of his diary. Before I finished, the thing that stuck out at me most was how much he hated me... almost every entry contained a small paragraph disgraced by my name and all the things that I thought were wrong with me, now I knew to be wrong with me.
But the worst part of all the entries... was the last one, not only did it shatter my heart in a million and one pieces, but it made something dawn upon me, Sevy didn't need me...

You might have guessed that those weren't my initial thoughts; my initial ones were irrational and angry,
My mind was filled with 'What is this? I don't understand... is this some sort of punishment? That is what it is... I'm being punished... by the boy I call my best friend.'
But what I said to him was worse... I stayed in the common room all day, just sitting there, rereading and rereading the entries until I memorized each word, that if I needed to cite them... I would be able to.
He entered unusually early today, I think he realized he had forgotten something, and when he saw me sitting at his chair with the book in my hands... his eyes widened.
It didn't take long before my voice had gone from sweet to harsh, I didn't scream surprisingly, it was more of a hiss, a very hurtful hiss, from what I remember it started off like this:

"Nice read isn't it?" I waved the Diary in front of his face and his lips thinned, he was clearly displeased. I think he was a little scared... even though he would never show it, weirdly I could smell his fear, maybe it is because I am around him so much...
I went on, and i swore, you see... I don't usually swear, I have to be really angry to swear...

"Every fucking page? That's how much I'm loved isn't it? That's how much im worth. I tell you everything Severus, Do you know why my father beats me?" I didn't wait for him to answer me. "It's because I'm not good enough, and I think he's right because as it seems I'm not good enough for you either...am I?"
He tried to speak but I cut him off, "I'm happy for you Severus, you got what you wanted. You got Remus, and now I'm out of your hair."
I ran to the stairs, but stopped before going up, and as if i haven't been throwing things enough at him lately, I turned around and threw the diary at him, then rushing up the stairs to cry.

Now that it is over... I just really want to hug him, and tell him I forgive him for everything... and just hope that he will accept me. But I cannot do that, things are too weird... too damaged. I hadn't even mentioned the last page to him, I couldn't bear if I said it aloud, because if I did... It would mean it actually happened.
I have realized that the entry is long, very long, and maybe I should rest a bit? I'm putting my baby in a lot of stress lately... and it's not like Sirius is helping either, he has been ignoring I exist. I will try to sleep(something I promised Lily), If I succeed, maybe for one moment I could dream because in my dreams is the only place things can be as I want them...
Caramel

(Severus)

april twenty-eight

i am crying. i am crying and i hate myself for it, why do i always have to be so weak, such a vulnerable little idiot, why can't i just steel myself to things and forget? but no, i can't forget a thing, i can't get it to go away, and i am in pain, sitting here behind the curtains of my bed, crying like a bloody child. i hate it, i hate it, i hate it!

i hate caramelina and her stupid inability to ever just remain oblivious, i hate her and her stupid over-emotional reactions to everything, i hate how i can't go one day without her ruining it! why did she ever have to find my diary? why did she have to read it? stupid prying little fucker! she's ruining what i have with remus because of her own stupid wants and needs - doesn't anyone else ever matter to her? but no, it's just 'do you know why my father beats me? oh it's because i'm not good enough!' well you know what, cara, you self-obsessed little twit, you're not the only one whose father beats them! you're not the only one who has to live in constant fear of waking up one morning to be pulled out of school and taken home for a couple of days of nothing but being locked in your room, the only time the door opens being when your dad decides he's bored and wants to whack you around a bit with a broken beer bottle! for the first time in my life i'm happy, i've got someone else who understands how it feels to be scarred, to be hated for something they can't change, and you're trying to take it away from me, just like everything else! I WISH YOU WOULD JUST DIE!

...

no i don't. i don't even know where that came from. oh, god, it's just like she said, i can't go a page without saying how horrible she is, what sort of friend am i? has it always been like this and i've just been too blind to see it?

i don't know what to do... and it hurts so much... why does love have to be like this?

why?