"I Love You Monica"
After shoving Chandler out of the bathroom and back into the living room, with a bottle of lotion in his hands, Monica closes the door quickly behind him so as not to be seen. She folds her hands together and brings them to her mouth in nervous anticipation but allows a momentary expression of disgust to briefly wash over her. "I don't even want to know what they use that lotion for."
She takes another look around the bathroom to see if there is anything else she could possibly tidy up. A towel that is out of place, a tube of toothpaste squeezed from the center that could be rolled up neatly, maybe some loose short hairs on the sink that fell while one of the boys had been shaving. Anything to help tamp down the overwhelming adrenalized excitement she has been feeling ever since they decided to mess with Rachel and Phoebe. Earlier today, she had actually welcomed this feeling and was relieved to succumb to the irrational passion that envelopes her when she competes against someone else. Once she realized Phoebe was coming on to Chandler intentionally, to make him uncomfortable, as a way to force them to admit they were seeing each other, it was game on.
In that moment, when Joey told them what was going on, she relished becoming the fierce competitor who broke her own brother's nose to win a game of touch football. The fiery woman who flung a dish because of the outcome of a round of Pictionary. She was happy to become that woman, even for just a little while, because it meant she wasn't focusing on the real events of the day. That everyone knew.
Knowing that the desire to win at all costs can almost blind her to everything else that is happening around her, spurred her on in her zeal. All her life, competitions had been a distraction. Overweight, money problems, no boyfriend, her mother says something critical, her job sucks; it all melts away in these heightened moments of conflict. Today, more than any other time in her life, that diversion has proven to be especially useful.
Even moments ago, just before she ushered Chandler out of the bathroom, when he appeared ready to give in and call the whole thing off, that desire to win at all costs was still a much-needed distraction. When he came in, nervous that they had gone too far, Monica made sure he got his head in the game and went back out there. "You seduce her until she cracks!" She wasn't ready to face the truth.
She had hoped that in continuing to allow this part of her to take over, it meant her mind would not obsess about the fact that almost every one of their friends now knows that her and Chandler are together. But those thoughts are breaking through. Chipping away at her antagonistic nature she was trying to use as a shield. She turned to her next obsession for relief and cleaned the bathroom with a vigor she often reserves for more intimate activities. Even now, as she searches for anything to clean, the cracks in her defenses are widening and she is frightened because it means she will have to admit the truth. That is something she is not ready to deal with and something she is certain Chandler isn't ready for either. They haven't even been able to hold up to each other's scrutiny, how could they possibly hold up to their friends?
She is not ready because it means having a conversation with Chandler, having the conversation with Chandler, that she has not prepared for. The one it seems he is not ready to have. The one where they talk openly about exactly how they feel and what they are doing. The conversation that takes them from two people who were goofing around until they found themselves in this secret relationship and graduates them into something more real. Something bigger than anything they have been through since London. Something she never saw coming until that fateful night. They'd have to talk about love.
Normally, Monica would be ready to have these conversations. She has been wanting to have this kind of talk with someone almost her entire adult life. The conversation that leads to plans for the future, and marriage, and family. The conversation about "ever after". With Chandler though, she understands that she needs to tiptoe through the landmine that is his trepidation of being in a serious, committed, adult relationship. That they need to move at his glacial pace. To Monica's surprise, that hesitation to push them forward had actually freed her to live in the moment over these last few months. And she is certain that living in the moment has made this the most rewarding relationship she had ever been in.
A part of her is worried; once everything is out in the open, and her friends start to ask questions and make comments that dig into the foundation of what Monica and Chandler have built, could they survive? Would it be too much, would his old habits crop up? Would her obsessive need to always know where things are going, overcome what they are now? Could they somehow still hold onto this magical thing they have between them? Have they really changed, ready to move forward, or is this relationship some kind of secret Garden of Eden, where once the outside world crashes in, they'll be exiled from this wonderful place they have been living in.
She would admit that lately, she had been slowly coming around to the idea that they were going to have to take the next step. Even in her cautious state, she knows that relationships need to evolve to survive, even one that has been as exciting and amazing as this. In her most private moments, she understands that this phase of what they are is going to have to die and be reborn as something new, and hopefully, something even better.
She laughs quietly to herself at the thought of Chandler being afraid of commitment, labels, and moving forward. He doesn't need to be afraid of it. He is already doing it. And he is doing it better than anyone she had ever been in a relationship with before. He deftly made the switch from best friend to boyfriend, and he seems to be really happy about it. As if being together has enabled him to thrive. She sees it in everything he does lately. He has this confidence that she never saw in him before London.
Monica presses her ear up to the door to see if she can hear anything, but Chandler and Phoebe's low voices on the other side are too unintelligible for her to make out. She leans back against the sink and looks down for a few moments, taking deep breaths to calm her nervous energy. She can't believe Phoebe would actually go forward with getting naked and letting Chandler rub lotion on her. "All he has to do is not let her get in his head and she will definitely back out."
Monica knows from the many conversations she has had with Phoebe and Rachel about the guys, that Phoebe does not see Chandler as a sexual entity. That suits Monica just fine. She doesn't want some other woman, especially one of her best friends, thinking about Chandler in that way. That thought frightens her a little. That possessiveness she already has over him and the streak of hot jealousy that she can feel as the fleeting idea of someone moving in on her territory crosses her mind. All of these thoughts are why Monica surrendered herself to this crazy, messed up contest between them in the first place.
She thinks about Chandler more and more as hers. Not just as the man she is dating, but as her one and only. That he could possibly be that person she had been waiting for all this time. That thought gives her an odd mix of fear and comfort. Were they ready to give all of themselves to each other and to this relationship? She wasn't sure. She could see that Chandler had still been unable to get past some part of himself. Normally that would be a red flag blaring in her mind.
Yet, Chandler has been so sweet, and so attentive. He's been everything she ever wanted. And he was her best friend. They've spent so much time together over the years. They've shared their worst moments, their best moments. All before London. That dynamic of their relationship, the closeness they already feel, seems to have made all the difference. But then London happened and thanks to that wonderful night of passion that she didn't even know was possible, they became what they are now, and it feels more natural than she could have ever hoped for. It was as if a veil had been removed and the world became clearer. Waiting for him to be ready to move the relationship forward has been easier than she thought it would be. Because she isn't waiting for some guy to come around, she is waiting for Chandler.
That all changes now. With Joey, Rachel and Phoebe all knowing about them, their private little world is about to disappear. Monica harbors a small fear that everything could be in danger of unraveling. That the only reason this relationship is working is due to their secrecy. Once those walls come down between them and the real world, then the questions, the jokes, the meddling, the nudges to be pushed further down the road will all come at them like a full force gale. The agonizing over telling her brother, her parents, and what it would mean for Chandler when they do, would be in full swing. Is he ready for that?
This is why she had allowed her more primal competitive nature to take over. This is why she is hiding in the bathroom compelling her boyfriend to seduce another woman. Because to not do this would mean ending what they are now, and she doesn't know if she is ready to do that.
Monica is taken out of her moment of solitude and reflection when she hears Chandler begin to yell. "OKAY!OKAY!OKAY!OKAY! FINE! YOU WIN!"
"Oh come on! I knew I should have gone out there and done this instead of him. I would have seduced Phoebe in five minutes!" She then reaches for the door, dejected, ready to face her defeat. "Well, really, this is his defeat. He's the one who gave in. I never agreed to forfeit, so technically I didn't lose!"
As her hand reaches the door knob she can hear Phoebe smugly respond to Chandler's submission. "And why not?"
"Great, he's about to tell them about us." Monica takes a quick breath to steel herself against the worst possible outcome.
"Because I'm in love with Monica!"
Phoebe brings a voice to the words in her head. Both sharing a sentiment of shock and awe. "You're what?"
Monica can't hear anything after that, save for Chandler. She flings open the door and hears the panic and frustration in his voice as he yells "I! Love! Her!" and a part of her feels terrible for doing that to him, but then she realizes what is happening and she can't help but smile. Despite her previous misgivings about what was going to happen at the end of today, all she can feel is unabashed euphoria.
They finally make eye contact and she immediately notes a change in Chandler's demeanor. His face becomes still and calm. A smile starts to cross over his own lips as he approaches her. Their eyes never leave one another. Suddenly, there is no one else in the room. The entire world has just collided with their own, but she never took into account that their private little world is the stronger of the two and all those worries and doubts melt away as she sees the earnest, confidant look in his eyes.
He puts his hands on her waist and suddenly all of those things she thought about while waiting in the bathroom don't matter. All those questions are already answered. He looks at her, the way he has been looking at her ever since London and softly, sincerely, and with the conviction of the man she has grown to love, once again announces his declaration, but this time it is for her, and her alone. "I Love you, Monica."