I'm sorry that it took such a long time to update, but I hope you enjoy the chapter :)
His words keep running over and over in my head as if someone has put them on repeat, and everytime I hear them again, the dagger that has been thrust into my heart twists deeper and deeper. The numbing feeling has gone and the pain I'm feeling right now is nothing compared to when I left him or when I was hit by Elliot. I'd honestly rather experience that a thousand times than hear those words again. Why did he have to tell me? Did I even want to know this? I never expected him to wait and him fucking, yes fucking hard, with someone else was something inevitable...but why with her?! The thought repulses me and I literally keep back the vomit and bile that is about to make an appearance. I have no idea what to say, screaming isn't going to do anything...I just, shit I need to know why the hell with her?!
I close my eyes hoping to keep back the tears that are also brewing up inside of me...Do I even get to feel like this? We weren't together so he was allowed to do whatever he wanted right? I don't fucking know what to feel! Pissed, guilty for feeling pissed?, hurt, sad, scared of what this may mean for us? Us...that's it though isn't it? I still think of Christian and I as "us". He just told me he loved me, so does the bomb he dropped after that even get to matter? I love him and he loves me...why would he love me though? You can't offer him anything, my subconsciousness snarls at me. No! I will not let my fucking insecurities get the best of me again, we both knew that our relationship was never going to be easy and I promised him that I wouldn't leave him again. I promised, I promised...that should count for something.
Keep your voice steady Steele "why her and how...I mean" I can't finish my sentence because I feel the last word crack as a small sob escapes my lips. Christian looks at me with those beautiful grey eyes of his, for once struggling for the right words to say.
"Please Ana, sit down first " he says gently, as he is still holding me to keep me from falling on my butt. "No, just tell me" I say shaking my head, I don't think I would be able to move even if I tried.
Christian let's out a small sigh "the night you left Escala, I went to some sleazy bar down-town and got drunk, really drunk. The security wasn't with me so I decided to take a cab to get back home, only I didn't end up home but at Elena's place. I don't even remember telling the cab driver her adress, however when I got to her house I saw that some lights were still on so I got out and rang her doorbell. She was surprised to see me and invited me inside for a drink. In my state of mind I guess I happily accepted and drank god knows how many glasses of god knows what. The only other thing I actually remember from that evening is that she wanted to show me something in her bedroom and I swear on my life that if I hadn't ended up in her bed naked the next morning with her lying beside me, I would never have believed that anything had happened in the first place. I could have sworn to myself that when I had entered her bedroom I immediately passes out, but like I said, when I woke up the next morning the way I did, I realized that something more must have happened."
Without saying a word because once again I am speechless, I carefully pick up my crutches, amazingly balance myself on them and slowly wobble back into the cafe. Christian's features turn from worried to pained in a millisecond "so you are running?" he asks his voice hoarse.
I look at him confused "no, I'm just going to pay for my tea and sandwich because I would like to go home now" I state matter of factly. His features relax a little, but the look in his eyes doesn't go away "here let me help you" he says grabbing my arm to steady me, to which I slightly flinch. I just flinched at his touch! No! Why? It was like an automatic movement that I hadn't controlled. Christian lets go of my arm instantly and I can see that he feels disgusted with himself for making me recoil from his touch the way I did. "No I" I begin to say but he just shakes his head and says "It's okay Ana, I get it." How could he possible get it when I don't even understand my own reaction!? I can't possible be repulsed to be touched by him, only because he touched her...
After I manage to pay for my food and drink, I make my way back to Christian who has not moved a muscle since the last words he spoke. "Do you mind walking me home?" I ask quietly.
"Taylor is parked right there" he says pointing to the black SUV "I'll drive you home, it will be a lot quicker than walking and you must be exhausted by now."
I give a small nod and make my way to the car, while Christian easily keeps up behind me as I'm moving at a very slow pace. He makes sure not to touch me again as I struggle to get into the car and when we arrive back at the apartment after what seems like hours of nothing but silence, he accompanies me up to my front door. He makes a movement to follow me through the door when I turn around and say "thank you for the ride but I really need to get my thoughts straightened out and I can't do that while you are here...but I'll call you."
He doesn't turn around to leave "Ana I'm not going anywhere. I'm not leaving you alone again, but if you don't wan't me in the apartment I'll just wait outside in the hallway until you are ready to talk about all of this." Is he serious? He turns around now, walks out of the door and smoothly sits down in the corridor with his head leaning against the wall. Oh yeah he is definitely serious. I eye him curiously "fine suite yourself" I say slamming the door shut.
I go to my bedroom, strip out of my clothes, although its only four thirty, put on my pyjamas and grab the copy of "Tess of the d'Urbervilles" and plump myself onto the couch with a fluffy blanket. I start to read where I had left of, but find myself re-reading the same line over and over, not even acknowledging what I am actually reading. Christian can't possibly stay there all night can he? I mean he wouldn't...it's so uncomfortable out there though...what if he gets cold and his back and butt must be aching from sitting on the hard floor. Oh damn it...I grab a large pillow, tuck it under my chin, get my crutches that are leaning against the sofa and hop to the front door. I peep through the small hole in the door and see him sitting exactly the same way I had left him...Well he wanted to wait, it's his own fault if he has an ache in the morning. With that I go back to the sofa still balancing the pillow tucked under my chin.
As soon as I have sat down my thoughts start to drive me wild again. He is waiting out there because of you, so technically, if he is uncomfortable now its your fault. I grab the pillow once more holing it to my face to muffle a scream that has been threatening to come out for a long time now, and once again make my way to the front door. He is still sitting there. This time I push down the handle quietly and without making contact with him I throw the pillow in his direction. I hear him chuckle but shut the door again before he can say anything.
Jeez I have no idea what to do with myself...reading isn't helping, watching television probably won't help. Urgg I'm so frustrated with myself! Maybe more tea will calm me down and I still have the panini sandwich that I never got to eat at the cafe. What if Christian is hungry or thirsty though? I put on the water boiler and take out two plates and a water bottle. After cutting the panini sandwich in half, I place one halve on each plate and take one in my right hand and the water bottle in my left and carefully hop back to the door for the third time. I let the water bottle roll to Christian who is now sitting on the pillow, but as I try to bend down to place the plate on the floor, I let out a gasp of pain caused by the protest in my ribs. Christian jumps up quickly to make sure I'm alright as I let out another small hiss. I try to ignore the pain, hand Christian the plate, and make my way back inside.
I stand infront of the closed door for a few minutes debating what to do next when I swing it open again with all the strength I have "Oh this is ridiculous, would you like to come in?"
He grins up at me and gladly gets up with the pillow, water bottle and plate in his hand. I finish making my tea and carefully sit down on the sofa once more, hoping not to spill anything. Once I have shimmied myself into a comfortable position, I realise that I still have no idea what to say to the man sitting infront of me, so I say the first think that pops into my head "say it again." Christian looks at me in confusion "oh Ana I can't begin to explain how sorry I am about what happened"
"No that's not what I mean...tell me how you feel again" I say hoping he will know what I mean. I close my eyes and as I hear those three beautiful words radiating off of his lips again, my heart melts.
"I love you Ana" he says. This is the only thing that matters, but I need to hear it again to make sure that what I am hearing is true. To make sure that he isn't lying. "Please Christian say it again" I whisper.
"I love you, I love you, I love you" he says gently "I'll say it as many times as you want, because it's the truth and you are the only woman I have ever uttered those words to and the only woman I will ever say those words to. You have no idea how much you mean to me Ana...you are the only that has ever touched my heart, the heart I didn't even know existed until you showed me what it means to live and feel something other than emptiness. I'm only alive because of you, you saved me...I don't know how to explain it but you fixed me, you gave my life meaning and if I lost you again, I wouldn't be able to function. I would go back to being the shell of the man that I was before I met you. If I could, I would turn back the clock to tell you how I felt the moment I realised it myself, but I was a fucking coward. I was so afraid of these new feelings because they were something I had never experienced before, but I'm not scared anymore. I'm only afraid that you will never forgive me for this, for hurting you like this. You are the last person I would ever wan't to hurt and I am so sorry for all the times I have caused you pain...it is literally killing me inside to know that I have hurt you. Please Ana I will do anything, but you can't leave me please...I...please believe me..." he says not able to finish his sentence as he shakes his head.
I haven't realised that tears are running down my cheeks "Christian I believe you, but I still can't give you everything that you need...I'm not enough"
"No Ana that's not true, you are all I need! I don't need any of that other shit anymore...I realised that soon after you left. It makes me sick to think of ever beating you like that again, and you have to trust me when I say that you are everything and the only thing that I need. You are enough, you are a million times more than enough. Stop doubting yourself Ana, you have no idea what an amazing woman you are and the affect you have on people, especially me."
"Christian I'm not even mad at you because you were together with another woman, I'm mad because it was with her...I don't know if I believe that I am enough, because if I were you wouldn't have gone running off to that horrible woman. She is the one I'm so fucking pissed at...you know she contacted me and wanted to meet with me for lunch, probably to rub this in my face. I swear to god when I get a hold of her I think I may just break her neck...she fucking took advantage of you again! Especially if you were really as incoherent as you said you were. I wan't to believe you, I really do" I say confused by my feelings
He looks at me in defeat "what can I do to show you how much you mean to me and that you are the only thing I want"
"That's the thing...I don't know if there is anything specific that you can do, because you aren't the only one that made a mistake, I mean I was together with your brother...which I still can't fully believe myself. I never actually stopped loving you, and as much as it hurts to know that you slept with Elena, I can't be mad at you for it because I was with Elliot. We both royally fucked up, but despite everything that has happened...I'm honestly too selfish to let you go again."
I see relief flood Christians face. "I just need you to be completely honest with me Christian. If there is anything else you need to tell me...anything else I need to know...please tell me now, and I'll do the same...you can ask me anything you wan't and I'll answer honestly" I say hoping there aren't any other secrets.
He nods his head "Okay I promise to be completely honest with you, but first I need to know one thing that has been eating me up inside eversince you told me that you had feelings for Elliot...What exactly did you and him do together...did you sleep together?"
"The only thing we ever did was kiss..." I say honestly "and I have no feelings for him whatsoever, all of those went away after I found out he was the one driving the car."
Christian looks at me reading my every expression "were you going to sleep with him?"
I guess if the accident hadn't have happened, I would probably be sitting with him in his apartment right now " Yes, I think if it wasn't for the accident something more would have happened, but I have no desire for it to happen now" I say making sure he knows I'm not interested in his brother in the slightest.
Now there is one question that I have wanted to ask him ever since the first time he had brought me into his playroom. "I know that you are as dominant as you are because you like the control, but do you only punish your subs because it aroused you or them, or do you just like it... I mean, I just don't really understand why" I say not sure how to formulate my question.
"Ana, I liked whipping little brown headed girls like yourself because you all look like my crack-whore mother." he says rushing out the sentence as quickly as possible. Fuck this is worse that I expected, so he is a sadist? No he can't be, at least not anymore, because he said "liked" and he said that he would never hurt me like that again and that the thought of doing so, makes him sick to his stomach.
"But you don't wan't or need that anymore?" I ask thankfully finding my voice.
"No Anastasia I don't, like I said before, you are my life now and the only thing that matters. I have no desire whatsoever to hurt anyone like that again, especially you." he says as he looks me straight in the eye.
"Okay" I say sternly. I don't know why, but I don't care if there is anything else, if after everything he has told me today I can still feel so much love for this man, then there is nothing more he can say for me to ever leave him again. I love him and that's all that matters, we will just have to work through all this other shit together, but that's exactly how we will do it. Together.
"So you're not running?" he asks afraid of my answer.
"Well this is my apartment" I say. His face drops "do you wan't me to leave?" he asks.
"No Christian, I don't, because no matter how fucked up all of this and we are right now, I love you so much that it hurts... and I don't want us to ever be apart again."
I hope this chapter shed some light, or gave a hint as to what ACTUALLY happened with Elena ;) Please review and tell me what you think :)