I had never seen anyone duck out from a kiss as Mark did when he backed away from me, he nearly snapped his neck in the process.
"Woah..uh.. John Paul… I'm-"
"I'm… you're not...I'm just going to go." I set off with a jolt nearly tripping over Matthew's pushchair and my feet in the process.
" John Paul, wait!"
He continued to call after me, and I picked up my pace. I could not look back. I needed to keep moving.
Stopping would be detrimental, I had embarrassed myself more than once that evening- nearly going to tears in front of Mark, followed by coming on to him when he was not interested in me in that way. I wanted to preserve the last shreds of my dignity.
How did I get here? My life a total disaster.
What was wrong with me?
Things were going badly at the moment, that didn't excuse me nearly cheating on my husband.
God! I had been so easy too, a few nice words was all it took and I was willing to go there.
Ste was right about me- I was a slut.
What if someone saw? What if it got back to Ste? True I hadn't actually kissed him- but that wouldn't matter to a bystander eager for gossip, besides my intentions had been clear.
Yes, Ste was carrying on with someone else, but that didn't make it right for me to do the same.
Why had I done that? I had been,feeling extremely lonely, undesirable , and I suppose for a few moments I wanted to feel wanted- desired. I don't know.
God I was so needy, and I had probably put off another friend thanks to my desperation.
" Idiot!" I said out loud to myself garnering a strange look from a couple walking opposite me.
I came to a rest outside The Dog , amazingly Matthew remained asleep during my flight. I was determined to keep him dreaming , so I rocked him with my foot, as I leaned against the railing.
I stood out over the water, watching the reflection of the moon- and thinking what a beautiful and calm night it was. I found myself thinking what a lovely picture Matthew and I must have made to anyone that wandered by- father and son out for a late evening, moonlit stroll, a stark contrast to the reality of our lives, and what was going on in my mind.
I heard the approaching sound of footsteps and heavy breathing- it was Mark, the last person I wanted to see at the moment.
" Dear god!" I cursed softly to myself.
" Whew!" he let out a puff of air " I'd thought you'd never slow down."
Not in the mood to beat around the bush I said
" Look, can you just forget that ever happened. I feel stupid enough as it is, and I'd rather not go into right now or ever. I don't know why I did that- I'm sorry."
" Don't worry about it. I think I know why you did."
I looked at him properly for the first time that evening. " Really? Great! That makes one of us."
Mark smiled" Seriously don't worry about it."
" Glad you're okay with me making an absolute arse of myself."
" You didn't at least not in my view, and I understand why you did it- you're vulnerable right now."
" Excuse me?"
" Like I was saying earlier. I know things aren't easy for your right now, and I'd like to help you out if I can. I-"
" Come again? I'm not sure what you've heard or think you know, but you can't trust everything you hear around here. This place is full of gossips, liars, and backstabbers."
" It's not what I've been told. It's what I've seen with my own eyes. I know things with you and your Ste aren't good- aren't as they should be."
" Are you a marriage counselor as well as a shopkeep?" I tried a bit of wit to abate the rising feelings of alarm and shame.
" No. But I like to think I'm your mate. I've seen the way he talks to you. I've seen how you tense up when you're around him. I've seen the bruises- John Paul I'm worried about your safety…" he nodded towards Matthew's carriage " and his"
I quickly went from feeling sheepish to feeling angry, judged, and embarrassed. I lashed out at Mark.
" You've known me what - a year? Barely seeing me at that… you've seen Ste even less, and you think that gives you the right to comment about my marriage! To accuse my husband, to make judgments about me as a parent- as if I would put my son in harm's way. I've got news for you mate, if you think you can stand here and-"
" John Paul, please. Please calm down. Please. I didn't mean… I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay? I only wanted to help. I just wanted to say you can talk to me."
Seeing that I had calmed for the moment, he reached out his hand to my shoulder " I know these-"
" You know nothing about it! Whatever you're thinking- you're wrong. Just piss off . Ste was right about you. Stay away from me. "
I shrugged away from him, wheeled Matthew sharply around and headed for home.
Once home, I settled on the sofa, where Matthew and I remained for the evening. My son continued to sleep soundly, I did my best to rest, but the evening's events were whirling about my mind, making drifting off close to impossible.
I woke early Saturday morning, more tired than when I had gone to bed, and decided to fix breakfast for the three of us.
"Something smells fabulous!" Ste declared as he made his way downstairs, his mood was uncharacteristically upbeat.
He greeted me with a kiss as he entered the kitchen.
" I missed waking up next to you. Where were you all night?"
I blushed slightly thinking of my indiscretion and the guilt started to gnaw inside of me, and I took a hurried gulp of coffee burning my throat as it went down.
Ste did not seem to notice.
"Me too. " I replied, though I was certain our reasons for missing each other were vastly different " It took forever getting Matty to sleep, and I didn't want to chance moving him to his cot and starting the crying again-waking you up."
Ste smiled, helped Matthew with a bite of his sausage and said " Well don't go making a habit of it- or I'll have to come down and drag you up to bed."
He was smiling and teasing, but his thoughtless words made me uncomfortable, but that was how he had been recently. At first, he had been extremely sensitive and understanding when it came to me and dealing with the after effects of Finn's attack, but little by little he had starting pushing my boundaries when it came to intimacy, in fairness when I had called him out on it he stopped. However, in recent weeks he was back to complaining about my unwillingness to do certain acts or implying I should be " over it" by now.
Ignoring my discomfort at the implication of his words, I smiled at him.
Ste licked the yogurt off his spoon before continuing. " What are you boys getting up to day while I'm at work?"
" Oh I don't know- maybe the park. I may get a start on the job search."
Ste nodded his approval of my plans for the day. "Sounds good- especially the part about finding work."
" Milk?" I asked before bringing him his tea. I was determined to keep things light this morning.
"Mhmm. Thanks."
" So how late are you working?" I asked tentatively. I was curious, but did not want to set him off.
" I was thinking maybe we could meet up for lunch or something? " I added the " something" hoping to smooth things over and sound nonchalant so Ste wouldn't accuse me of being needy.
Ste took a long, unnerving swill from his cup.
" I work till 1:30. So no lunch and I'll be too busy after."
" Oh." I adverted my gaze.
He took my hand in his a surprisingly intimate gesture for him of late.
" Are you really that daft?" " I've got the mediation thingy with Sinead at 3:45, so I've got to make myself the presentable dad -right?"
He took another sip of his tea " You'll be on your own for dinner tonight, but should you find yourself bored without your better half you can do some packing -Amy's dropping the kids off tomorrow for the trip in case you've forgotten that as well."
" Of course not. It's been too long since we've seen them." I answered while replacing the eggs and toast Matthew had knocked over reaching for his milk.
" Too long is too right." Ste reached over tousled Matthew's hair and kissed my cheek.
" Good breakfast Mr. McQueen. There's this place I know that might be willing to put you to work. I'll put in a word for ya."
I smiled at him and played along with him " You'd do that for me?"
" Of course . I say it's a sure bet you'd be hired as well."
" Oh yeah. My kitchen skills impress you that much?" I teased him back taking my and Matthew's plates to the sink as I did .
" I think it's your other skills that'll work in your favor." He ,dropped his cup into the sink, which made me jump, as last time the cup hit the sink that way, it was because, he had thrown the cup and its contents at my face. As he turned away from the sink he pinched my bottom hard.
The pinching , along with slapping, squeezing, and groping anytime I was within his arm's reach was also his new thing. He didn't care who was around calling it "playing" , only it didn't feel like playing to me, as most of the time it hurt, and sometimes left marks, but I didn't say anything to him about it anymore- not wanting to be laughed at and told I was a"prude" with no sense of humor" or be subjected to a rant that compared me with Alec.
" Hey John Paul. Hello? " he snapped his fingers at me. I hadn't realized he was calling me.
" Sorry. Guess I got lost in my mind for a bit."
" What else is new." he scoffed " I was asking if you could pop into the shops , and grab swimsuits for the kids- Amy forgot that bag at the house, and I told her I'd take care of it. I'll text you the sizes."
" Sure. No problem."
"While you're out could you grab razors, gel, and cologne for me? Seems I've run low."
He shrugged into his jacket as he spoke to me, and I waited to return the milk to the fridge in order to avoid contact with him.
" You're the best. " He turned away, starting to the door, stopped walked bag, grabbed his keys, planted a kiss on Matthews's cheek, walked back to the door and was gone.
I spent the morning with Matthew running errands for Ste, when he sent me the text with Leah and Lucas' sizes his list of " little favors" had grown exponentially.
Matthew, though antsy, had been well behaved all morning so I rewarded him with a pizza lunch.
The pizza shop was crowded, with a queue that spanned out the door. Matthew insisted he wanted " Dill's pizza" and since it was meant to be his treat I stuck around.
Matthew busied himself digging in my pockets, playing with my keys and coins, and hiding random bits of paper and his trains in them.
In between responding to texts from Ste and entertaining Matthew, I listened to the chat show playing on the shop telly.
The show's topic of the day was domestic abuse. Most of the panelists were in agreement that perpetrators of such abuse were vile human beings and they hated them, they also could not understand while someone would remain in a situation like that. One panelist said she " would never be so weak as to stay in a relationship like that." I didn't hear what the other panelists opinions were because the two patrons beside me started talking, and their opinion was much the same as the woman on the show only their view was given more harshly
" People that stay are weak minded idiots. You have to be to put up with that kind of treatment!" The first women declared.
Her friend responded with " I totally agree. I can understand maybe sticking it out after the first time they get smacked, but after that. You know what they say- fool me once..."
" They must like it, it's the only thing I can think of. That or something's not right in their head."
" Well if you ask me , if they stick around they deserve it. No sympathy from me."
I missed out on the rest of their conversation as my number was called. I collected our food, but I was no longer hungry. I paid, took Matthew outside and seated us at one of the outdoor tables.
Matthew took approximately 2 bites of his pizza before he became obsessed with wanting to feed the birds that had gathered on the pavement hoping to score a stray crumb. When I told him he could not, he took to hiding under the table and pouting.
Which is where he was 10 minutes, and about 35 judgmental " I disapprove of your parenting" stares later, when he suddenly leaped from underneath the table with " Mawk!" tipping my chair and causing me to bite my lip.
How he spied him from underneath the table I do not know- but sure enough Mark was in front of us. I wasn't exactly pleased to see him, but was determined to keep my cool for Matthew's sake.
Matthew was thrilled to see Mark had grown fond of him and the ban had impacted him as well. Matthew greeted him with a leg hug, and " I miss you, Mawk."
Mark smiled down at him pat his head and said " I've missed you too. I think the Thomas Trains have missed you as well."
Matthew took this news gravely " Tell dem I wuv dem."
" Will do mate. Will do. Are you having the best time with your daddy. having a pizza lunch?"
Matthew started to pout " No. I sit on floor." he pointed to his spot under the table while scowling.
" His choice, not mine. " I clarified " We disagreed about using our lunch to feed our bird friends."
"Ah I see." Mark gave a little chuckle.
Matthew climbed back into his chair " I eat now." Then to Mark " Some?"
" Ah, no thank you . I've just finished my lunch , and my belly's all full." Matthew didn't seem bothered by this information -and thrust a hand-full of melted cheese into Mark's hand and said " K' bye."
I wanted to laugh, but I kept myself in check, corrected Matthew ,and offered Mark a napkin which he refused.
He awkwardly excused himself and made his exit picking cheese off of him as he went.
Matthew looked up from his pizza to watch him go " I wuv him." he declared confidently.
We encountered Mark again later in the day on our way back home from the park. Mark nodded to me as he approached.
" Don't worry he's sleeping. You won't have any cheese coming your way."
Mark smiled and peered down as if to make certain my words were true. He then looked around us. He seemed satisfied no one was in earshot, but lowered his voice anyway.
" About last night-"
" I thought we agreed, that never happened."
" Not that. I meant what I said after that. I never should have said what I did. It wasn't my place and I was out of order. I know better, believe me. I apologize."
" Apology accepted." I forgave him quickly wanting to move on and worried Ste might catch us talking.
" Good. Thanks."
In spite of our words, there was still a heavy tension between us. We exchanged awkward comments about weather and football.
" Well I'll be on my way. I've got a lot to get done- Ste and I our going on holiday with the kids." I said eager to end the awkward encounter.
" Of course. Don't let me keep you. That sounds nice."
He hesitated before moving out of my way.
" John Paul. It's still true what I told you before- my shop is always open to you- no matter the time of day, you can always stop by. Even if it's just for Matthew to say hello to the trains. Okay?"
I nodded.
He seemed as though he wanted to say more, but was holding back, and finally settled on.
" Enjoy your trip. Have fun. Be safe."
" I will"