Edward

This was it for sure. This was when Jacob was going to tell him to go to hell out, and never come back. He could feel Jacob reaching the same conclusion.

"I need to go do something," Jacob said, standing up. He had an odd look on his face. Edward fought to keep his face neutral, and nodded. He didn't move for a long moment, until he heard the front door open, and then close. Then he stood up and zipped his coat, meaning to slip out before Bella or anyone could stop him. And it would have worked, except that Mike was in the kitchen putting groceries away.

"Hey," Mike said. "Give me a hand?" Edward's escape would have to wait. "How are you?" Mike asked from the pantry, where he was stocking cans.

"I'm fine," Edward said. He opened the refrigerator to put away the eggs and lunch meat. Mike started to say something, but Edward wasn't finished. "I'm just… waiting for the other shoe to drop. Sooner or later, everything good that's happening right now is going to fall apart."

"You don't know that for sure," Mike said.

"My track record says I do," Edward countered. "Soon, he's going to leave. They all do. So what's the point of getting close to him? Let's face it, I already had my chance at the whole happy ending thing, and he died."

"Brady was not your chance at a happy ending," Mike said gently. "He was special, but he was sick, Edward. Loss can not be what the universe has in store for you. I refuse to believe that someone like you doesn't have a chance at being happy. Brady was… Well, maybe the reason he was in your life was so that you could love him. Maybe he wasn't your happy ending. Maybe you were his." The carton of eggs slipped out of Edward's hand, and broke open, raw egg going everywhere.

"Shit, I'm sorry. I just-" he reached for a towel to clean up the mess, but Mike was already there.

"It's fine," Mike said. "I got this." Edward backed away. He had to get out of there. He had to- "Edward, wait," Mike called after him, but he was already out the door, running away from the truth that he'd always sort of known, but never wanted to face. He was Zachary Lee's happy ending, and he was the reason Zachary Lee was dead.

There was a reason that the track coach was willing to fudge the rules for Edward, and why the soccer coach wanted him as captain, even though he wasn't a senior. Edward could run, and even though now he wasn't physically healthy, he had stamina. He'd always been a good runner, and having an eating disorder that made exercise a priority meant that he ran a lot. So now, even in jeans and a heavy coat, with snow and ice on the sidewalks, he ran. He knew he could keep going for miles. He paused to pull out his phone and crank up the music, and then he was off again, running north along the busy main street. He kept going, past stores and businesses, pausing only when he had to wait for a crosswalk. And all the while, Mike's words drummed through his head, over the music blasting his ears.

"Maybe he wasn't your happy ending. Maybe you were his."

"Some happy fucking ending," he thought. "Why couldn't it have been me? I would have died for you, a million times. I wanted to die. You had everything to live for. Why you?" Rage coursed through him, at the unfairness of life, and when someone ahead of him glanced back, and slowed to run with him, he only moved over so one of them could pass the other. They stopped at a crosswalk across from his high school to wait for the light to change.

"Hey," Edward glanced up, and pulled out his earbuds. Eric.

"Hi," he said.

"What are you doing out here?"

"Dunno, needed some air." Edward shrugged.

"I actually wanted to talk to you." Edward looked at him warily. "Let's head back," Eric suggested. Edward didn't want to go back. He wanted to be anywhere but where life reminded him of Brady. Eric noted his expression. "Fine, what about my house? I really need to talk to you."

"So talk."

"It's freezing. Come on." Eric led him to his car, and turned on the heater. "I heard coach is going to let you on the track team," he said, pulling out into traffic.

"Yeah, my mom really pushed for that," Edward said, looking out at the drab grey snow.

"You don't want to run?"

"I was hoping to get through the last year and a half of high school without pissing anyone else off." They drove in silence for a long moment. "So what were you doing, training, if you don't want to run?"

"I wasn't training. I told you, I needed some air." Eric turned onto a side street, and into the driveway at one of the houses. He parked, and they headed inside. He took his shoes off, and left them by the door. Edward followed suit, and then followed him up the stairs to his room. Eric's room had changed little since the last time Edward was here a few months ago. Sports trophies lined a shelf, and the desk with the computer still had the little duck Edward had laughed at the last time he was here.

"I have to tell you something," Eric said, and Edward noted he was nervous. "Look, why don't you sit down. Can I get you anything? Water? Or gatorade or something? Are you hungry?"

"I'm fine," Edward said.

"Okay. Look. Remember when we were... Sort of dating?" Eric asked. Edward nodded. "And then Tony told everyone you were transgender."

"What about it?" Edward asked. That particular high school experience wasn't one he liked to dwell on.

"Well, first I want to say I'm sorry. I freaked, and then people started asking me if I knew, and if I saw you as a guy and I was like a deer in headlights, so I- I did the wrong thing. And then I kept doing the wrong thing. I made so many mistakes. I'm sorry, Edward." Edward cocked his head, thinking back. It was true, most people always used his dead name, but Eric was one of the only ones who switched over to Edward when the whole trans thing came out. "The truth is, I was terrified. My reputation was on the line, and I didn't look beyond that to see what kind of damage I was contributing to causing to you."

"Well, that's not-" Edward started, but Eric held up a hand.

"Please, let me finish," he said. Edward nodded for him to continue. "I didn't realize it until the other day at Tony's party, but whatever gender you are, I can't get you out of my head. I know I don't have a chance with you anymore, and I wasted the chance that I did have, but I just want to say, I hope that you get to be happy with your new person."

"You… Wait, what?" Eric started to say something, but Edward held up a hand. "When are you people going to realize how fucking toxic I am, and learn that I am not who any of us wishes I was? You. Brady. Jacob. How many more people am I going to hurt before you all figure out that the best thing for all of you is to just stay away."

"Edward… What are you talking about? You're not toxic. What does that even mean?"

"It's like there's something inside me that hurts everyone I get close to. Every time I try to get close to anyone, every time I try to hope that this time will be different, it always falls apart. It always ends badly. I get hurt, but so do they. The only common denominator with any of you, is me. You all got hurt because of me."

"I don't think-"

"My family, you, my friends at that stupid party, Brady…" Edward cut him off. "And now there's Jacob, and he keeps trying, and I can't hurt him too. Not after everything he's already been through. I can't let him open himself up to whatever this could be, and then get hurt because of me."

"Break ups happen, though. And I mean, what Tony had his friends do you you was awful, but you're taking the blame yourself. What am I missing?" Edward took a long, shaky breath.

"I… I had a boyfriend who I loved. He was precious. He was everything I wanted. But he went through stuff I could never have gone through, and he survived. He came to visit over Christmas, and it was the perfect holiday. We spent the entire time he was here, together. But then, when he went home, he got really sick. It was in his lungs. Pneumonia. He didn't get better. And then he was gone. And it was so fucking fast. One minute he was here, and the next thing I knew, I'm never going to see him again."

"Okay, but that doesn't make it your fault."

"It does if I gave it to him," Edward whispered. This truth that he'd never told anyone, this one secret that he deserved to die for, weaseled its way out of him. "I'm the reason he got sick. He's gone because of me. I had pneumonia two weeks before he came to visit, and I gave it to him."

"And now you can't get close to anyone else, or you're afraid you'll do the same thing to them," Eric finished for him. Edward nodded. "And everything bad that's happened to you, your mind is twisting to blame on you. But you didn't cause your brother to be a dick. Or me to make the mistakes I made. Or your friends to act the way they did. Edward, you don't have that much power. And just so you know, pneumonia bacteria doesn't stay around that long once the person is recovered."

"Then why do I feel the way I feel?" Edward asked. "Why do I feel like I have to pay for what I did? I would do anything to go back and fix everything. I wouldn't have told my parents I was trans. I wouldn't have let him come here. I wouldn't have done any of it." He was crying now, the flood of emotion too hard to hold back. "And I'm so s-sorry. I put you in a horrible position."

"Edward, listen to me. You did nothing wrong. Do you hear me? Nothing. And I have to believe that Tony doesn't realize the damage he's done to you. And your parents must not see it either. And I never met Brady, but I can't imagine he blames you for getting sick, either. It wasn't your fault. Shit, you're seventeen. No average seventeen year old has enough of an impact on the world around them to deserve as much guilt as you're carrying around. Trust me. Now, will you let me drive you home, or is there someone else you'd rather call to come pick you up?"

"I'd rather walk," Edward heard himself saying. Eric looked at him sharply.

"There's no way in hell that you're walking anywhere. It's freezing out there." In the end, Eric drove him back to Bella's house.

"Thanks for… everything," Edward said when they pulled up to the house.

"Don't mention it," Eric said, reaching out to open Edward's door. Edward took a deep breath, nodded, and went inside.