Wench Notes:
This is a combination of two shorter chapters. I thought I'd just go ahead and put them together to save time.
There are a LOT of people reading this, but not a lot of reviews. If you're reading, please let me know how you're liking it so far.
I
Selphie sat staring back at Seifer in total shock and disbelief as his words sank in. His hand still held hers against his cheek, but he wasn't looking at her now, but at floor. Those three words hung in the air between them, and Selphie thought if she listened hard enough, she could still hear them echoing through the kitchen.
"I love you."
She didn't know what to make of it, or what to say. On one hand, she'd felt wildly happy, her heart racing in her chest at the thought of being loved by Seifer Almasy. It was incomprehensible, but it was real. The raw, open emotion in his eyes when he said it, the painful, abrasive honesty of it had sent shivers through her. He really did love her. It was written all over his face.
On the other hand, it scared her beyond belief because she didn't know why it made her so happy. She loved Irvine with all her heart, didn't she? They were going to get married some day, build a ranch, have kids, grow old together. That was the future she wanted. That was the plan she'd slowly been working toward all this time.
How could Seifer be in love with her? It didn't even make sense. He acted like he could barely stand her, except when he was trying to make out with her, and even then she suspected he hated her guts. And she was still angry with him for saying nasty things about Irvine. None of it was true, of course. Irvine would never cheat on her. Sure, she'd smelled a different perfume on his jacket once, but he'd lent it to someone because it was cold out. He was a gentleman, that was all.
"Say something."
It wasn't a demand, but a plea, and it broke Selphie's heart because she knew she couldn't say it back. She couldn't say the words he wanted to hear from her, and it was going to ruin everything.
"I have a boyfriend, Seifer, and I love him," she said. "Please respect that. I know you don't like it, and I'm really flattered but -"
"I get it. Now get out."
He got up, reeling toward the kitchen counter, not even caring that his bare feet tread across broken shards of glass leaving smears of blood in his wake. Selphie was horrified.
"Seifer, you're hurt."
"I don't want to talk anymore, so leave."
"Seifer-"
"God damn it, GET OUT!" he screamed.
Selphie flinched away from him, his heartbroken rage cutting straight through her like a dagger. Hot tears rolled down her cheeks, and all she wanted to do was give him a hug.
"I'm sorry," she said.
It was three in the morning, but she went straight to Irvine's room and began to pound on the door. She needed him, to hold onto him and kiss him and fall asleep in his arms. It had been too long since they'd done that, and she desperately needed to feel his arms around her, to confirm that he wasn't the wrong man.
He answered, his eyes confused and dull with sleep. Selphie threw herself at him, barreling into him with a force that nearly knocked him off his feet. His arms came up to embrace her as she sobbed into his chest, unable to even understand why she felt this way. It was all so confusing.
"What happened?" Irvine asked. "What's wrong?"
She couldn't even tell him the truth, so she just sobbed and held him tighter.
"Let me take you back to your room, okay?" he said.
It didn't even occur to her to wonder why he didn't want her in his room. She let him lead her back and put her to bed.
"Please stay with me," she said as he tucked her in. "I miss you."
For just an instant, he looked torn, like he didn't want to stay but felt obligated to.
"I have to be up in about three hours, Sef," he said.
"Please, Irvy. I need you," she said. "I don't want to be alone tonight."
He sighed and crawled in beside her, slipping an arm around her waist and drawing her close. She snuggled into him, breathing in the scent of his cologne mingled with something else. Something floral and strange. She didn't want to doubt him, but Seifer's words came back to her.
"Why do you smell like flowers?" she asked.
"Oh, I got the wrong body wash from the canteen," he said. "Been smelling like a girl all week."
That was a reasonable explanation. But why did her mind cloud with doubts?
She pushed those doubts to the back of her mind, angry with Seifer for making her question Irvine's commitment to her. Irvine loved her and there was nothing going on behind her back. He loved her too much to do that.
With that certainty in mind, she fell asleep in the circle of his arms, but the last thing she thought before drifting off was of the sad, drunken and broken man in the room next door.
II
Irvine heard the steady click of high heeled shoes echoing through the warehouse and he looked up in time to see Quistis in the doorway, her face pale and angry. She slammed the door behind her and stood before him with her arms crossed looking like she was about to kill him.
"You didn't come back last night," she said.
"She was upset," he said. "I couldn't exactly dump her off in her room and let her cry herself to sleep."
"And what about me?" Quistis asked. "Sitting there waiting for you to come back. Then when you didn't, knowing you were with her. What about that?"
Irvine sighed. This was getting too damned complicated. Had Selphie chosen to burst into his room and into his bed last night, he would have been busted. He could explain away a strange perfume, but he wouldn't have been able to explain why Selphie's best friend was naked in his bed.
"I wasn't with her," Irvine said. "Not the way you're thinking."
"So that makes it all right?"
"What would you have me do?"
"End it!" Quistis cried. "Either with me or with her, but I can't keep doing this. As it is, I think Seifer overheard us yesterday, and believe me, he's not going to keep it quiet."
"What?"
"He left an envelope under my door while we were arguing yesterday," she said. "I'm sure he heard at least some of it. You have to tell her before he does."
That put a whole new spin on things, but he wasn't sure Selphie would believe it anyway. And he wasn't so sure Seifer would care enough to tell her.
"I hate this," Quistis said. "I hate what this is doing to me."
She dropped into a chair, looking sad and defeated.
"We have to call this off," she said. "Put an end to it, right now."
"What are you saying?"
"I think we should stop seeing one another," she said. "You won't leave her, and I don't want to share you."
"Quistis, I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out a way to let her down easy, okay?" Irvine said. "I still care about her enough to not want to hurt her any more than I have to, but you have to give me time to let her down gently."
"You keep saying that, but nothing's changed," she said. "She's still oblivious and I still feel like shit."
"Please don't do this," Irvine said.
"End it," she said. "After that, we'll talk about trying again, but until then, I'm through, and I mean it this time."
III
I woke up late the next morning feeling like my head was being crushed. I didn't even want to get out of bed, so I just lay there for a while, thinking about what an idiot I was. Telling Selphie that I loved her had been the stupidest thing I'd done in a long time, but I'd had no control over my mouth or the overwhelming impulse to say it. I hadn't even known it was true until the words came out of my mouth, and they'd ripped me apart.
And there wasn't a damned thing I could do about it because it was true. I wanted to blame the alcohol, but the minute the words left my mouth, I knew the truth. I was in love with a psychopathic midget. She'd turned my world upside down, made me do things I didn't want to do, drove me to the edge of violence and back and still, I loved her. I didn't know when or how or even why, because I still hated her guts with a fiery passion. How could I love someone I could barely stand?
A knock at the door made me remember I was supposed to have met Squall in the TC earlier and I got out of bed, wincing as my feet hit the floor. I could feel tiny shards of glass in the soles of my feet, digging in like tiny little knives. Worse, I still felt drunk as I weaved through the living room, wincing with every step.
I opened the door, hoping it was anybody but Selphie. I was both relieved and not relieved to see Rinoa on the other side.
"Squall asked me to stop by to make sure you were okay," she said. "and you don't look like you are."
I opened the door wider to let her in a second before I remembered that there was glass all over the place. She spied the fresh blood on the carpet and the dried blood on the kitchen floor and gasped.
"Seifer, what happened?"
"Broke a glass," I muttered. "Cut myself."
"Are you drunk?"
"A little bit."
"It's ten a.m."
"Your point?" I asked.
She went to the kitchen and started sweeping up the mess without a word while I picked a dozen or so pieces of glass out of my feet in the bathroom. I bandaged them haphazardly in gauze and put on a pair of socks in a half hearted attempt to hold it in place. By the time I returned to the kitchen, Rinoa had mopped the floor and treated the spots on the rug and was waiting for me with a cup of fresh coffee at the table. The only evidence left was my stupid, broken, irrational heart and a nearly empty bottle of booze.
She gestured for me to sit and I sat. I reached for the whiskey and dumped a measure into my coffee while Rinoa watched in silence. I was glad that she didn't stop me or judge me for it. I would have thrown her out if she had and maybe she knew that.
"What happened?"
"I'm a dumbass, that's what happened."
She sipped her coffee and said nothing. I knew what she was doing. She was patiently waiting for me to spill my guts. I told myself I wasn't going to say a word. I wasn't going to talk about it. But I was still drunk. And still drinking. And there were still words bouncing around in my pickled brain that wanted to come out.
"I just want to forget last night ever happened and get on with it," I finally said. "Call it a misguided attempt at fulfilling some stupid fantasy that's never going to happen. So I'll just move on, grow up and never say another fucking word about it."
"I don't follow," Rinoa said. "You're not talking about your romantic dream, are you?"
I laughed bitterly. What a stupid dream. I thought I could conquer the whole world for the love of a Sorceress and be the hero at the end. She didn't love me and I didn't love her and it was all just one big nightmare I wanted to forget.
"I let go of that a long time ago," I said. "What an idiot I was, huh? Thinking life was like a stupid, cheesy movie. No one ever mentions that not every Knight is a fucking hero in the end."
Her face was sad and I hated her for pitying me. I hated that I was still pitying myself. Believe me, I wanted to stop. In truth, I didn't want to feel anything at all. Not grief or guilt or love or hate or pain. I didn't want to feel the burden weighing on my shoulders or all the self-hate that was assaulting me on a daily basis. I couldn't shake it any more than I could stop feeling like crap about it.
"You know, nobody ever gives a shit what happens to the villain after the credits roll," I said. "He doesn't get the girl or a happily ever after or a second chance. All he gets is whatever punishment he deserves."
"You got a second chance," she said, gesturing around the room with her hand. "Otherwise, what is all this?"
"This isn't even about that," I said. "I see this opportunity for what it is. That's not lost on me and I know how lucky I am to be here. I just want my happy ending, too, but I won't get it and I don't deserve it."
"So this is about...a woman?"
"You're so fucking perceptive, it scares me," I said.
If it hurt her feelings, she didn't let on. She just sipped her coffee and stared at me patiently, waiting for me to continue.
"The villain never gets the girl in the end, he just gets his heart broken like a proper villain should. Fade to black. Roll credits. Everybody go home. Right?" I said. "It's all so fucking black and white. Good versus evil. Win or lose. No room for something in the middle."
I swallowed down the rest of my coffee and hurled the mug across the kitchen, echoing Selphie's reaction last night. It exploded as it hit the wall, bits of ceramic raining across the floor. I just sat there and watched them, no longer philosophical, just angry.
I was furious with myself. Furious with Selphie and Rinoa and Cid and Squall and everyone else who had a hand in bringing me back here. I was angry because I dared to think, just for a second, that my feelings might be returned or that I would ever have a shot at being happy. I was as delusional as Selphie in my own way, wasn't I? I kept believing in these pipe dreams and irrational hopes that there was something better waiting for me in the end.
To my surprise, Rinoa threw her mug at the wall too, its pieces clattering across the counter and onto the floor.
I was so shocked, I forgot to be angry.
"You want to break stuff?" she asked, casual and calm. Like she was asking if I wanted to go grab lunch. "Let's break some stuff. I'm sure there's still a few dishes you haven't busted yet."
I thought she was giving me a hard time for acting like a child, but she got up from her chair and removed all of the plates, bowls and glasses from the cabinet and set them in front of me. She handed me a plate with a challenge in her eye.
"Throw it," she urged. "It'll make you feel better."
She'd lost her damn mind. When I didn't throw the plate, she picked up a glass and threw it at the wall.
"Come on," she said. "I'll steal some replacements from the cafeteria when you're done."
I hurled the plate at the wall with all my might, feeling a weird sort of satisfaction creep over me as it shattered. I threw another, pouring all my rage into it, and another until every last one of them was broken. I polished off the whiskey and threw the bottle too, smashing it against the wall. When there was nothing left to throw, I overturned the table. It hit the floor, spilling papers and books and silverware across the tile. I threw one chair, then another, which hit the fridge and left a dent in the side. All the while, Rinoa quietly encouraged me.
When there was nothing left to throw, I let out a cathartic howl of rage and bent over double, raking my hands through my hair. To be honest, I felt better.
I retrieved a fresh bottle of whiskey from the cabinet because I still wanted the relative numbness that alcohol offered. Had I been sober, I would have broken everything. I leaned hard against the wall as I uncapped it, took a swallow and slid down the wall, sitting on my heels next to the mess.
"Feel better?" Rinoa asked.
All I could do was nod. It did nothing to take away the sting of Selphie's rejection, but it put a lid on my anger. So that was something.
The door burst open and in came the last person I wanted to see right then. Her eyes were wide and frightened as she looked around to see the remains of the dozens of dishes I'd destroyed, the overturned table and the upended chairs.
I couldn't even look at her.
"What the heck is going on in here?" she asked Rinoa. "It sounds like someone's being murdered to death!"
"Everything's fine," Rinoa said, calm and collected. "We were just talking."
"Are you still drunk?" Selphie asked incredulous as she spied me sitting against the wall clutching my poison.
"Why the fuck do you care?"
Yeah. I was bitter, and I wished there were more dishes I could break so she could see what she'd done to my stupid heart.
"Seifer-"
"Get out."
"But Seifer -"
"If you would have just left me alone in the first place, none of this would have happened," I said. "Get the fuck out and leave me alone."
Rinoa guided Selphie out the door as I sat down and took a long swallow from the bottle, wanting to drown myself in it. I preferred oblivion to pain. What a pathetic, disgusting mess I was.
Once Selphie was gone, Rinoa sat beside me and crossed her arms over her knees, sitting quietly for a while. She took the bottle out of my hands and took a swallow.
"It's ten a.m."
"Your point?" she asked with a hint of a smile.
She didn't say anything for a long time. She just sat there, staring at the floor, one hand clasped around her necklace, the other wrapped around the neck of the whiskey bottle. I had nothing left to say. I just wanted to go back to bed and pretend I wasn't acting like a love sick moron.
"Selphie?" she finally asked. "Is she-?"
"Fucking ridiculous, isn't it," I said. A bitter but helpless laugh escaped my lips. "Of all the girls in the world..."
Her eyes were wide and full of surprise. Even she could see that it made zero sense.
"Do you love her?"
"Love," I muttered. "Let's just say my mind is being poisoned by my pituitary gland and leave it at that."
Rinoa laughed softly at that and shook her head.
"Never in a million years would I have thought I'd see you this wrecked over a girl, Seifer."
"Are you really all that surprised?" I asked. "I've never been one to do things half way. Even if it fucking kills me."
"That's true," she said. "But, I think it's sweet."
Sweet. Ha. There was nothing sweet about me. I was a world class asshole. Even I knew that.
"It's damned pathetic is what it is. I mean, what the hell am I thinking?" I asked. "I hate her. She drives me insane. I want to kill her most of the time."
She flashed a knowing smile at her shoes and zipped the ring on her necklace back and forth along its chain.
"I hated Squall's guts in the beginning, to be honest with you," she said. "The only reason I didn't wish him a horrible, agonizing death was because my contract with Garden stated that members wouldn't be replaced for any reason, including death or dismemberment. But, oh, I hated him. I hated how cold he was. I hated that he didn't care. I hated his total lack of empathy. And I hated that he was so willing to just blindly follow orders. He made me feel like I was just an idealistic rich girl who didn't know what the hell she was doing, which turned out to be true in the end, but still, he didn't understand what it meant to believe in anything and I hated it."
That was news to me. I'd figured, after seeing them dance together at the SeeD ball, they'd been all over each other. Even I had seen the way Squall had looked at her just before her eyes found me in the crowd. I wondered, at what point had she changed her mind?
"When did you figure it out?" I asked.
"It happened gradually," she said. "There was this look on his face when we thought you'd been executed, and he had this...outburst, out of nowhere, and I saw something there. Like there was more to him than what I was seeing. I was curious. The more I watched, the more I saw the real Squall, and the more I saw, the less I hated him. It helped that he kept saving me from being an impulsive dolt. He just kept coming to my rescue..."
The memory must have triggered something in her. There was a soft, wistful smile on her lips, her eyes distant.
"What the hell does that got to do with me?"
"Well, you're in love with her, but you hate her guts. What does that tell you?"
"That I'm a nut job."
"Quit being difficult. Tell me why you love her."
"You know, I've been asking myself that same question since yesterday, and I still don't have an answer. It's just this...thing that's just...there, and I don't know why."
"Is there anything you like about her?"
I thought about that for a long time. I took a swallow of the whiskey and offered it to Rinoa but she declined. More for me.
"She's not afraid of me."
That was the truth. She didn't care what I'd done, and she wasn't afraid to stand up to me. She was like one of those little ankle biting dogs that thought it was a mastiff, teeth bared in challenge and oblivious to the fact that the larger dog could tear her apart if it wanted to.
This wasn't the answer Rinoa was expecting. And it wasn't the answer I was expecting to give, but it was true.
For some reason, I wondered if this was the same answer Squall would give if asked the same question. Back in the day, he'd intimidated the shit out our female classmates. Not that those girls weren't interested. I'd seen the looks they'd given him. They ate up the mysterious, stoic loner thing like it was chocolate, but they were also terrified of him because he was cold and distant to the point of being rude so all but the really brave ones stayed away. And even the brave ones were sent packing.
I was betting that Rinoa had given him a hard time, he'd told her off and she'd come right back at him. I was betting her refusal to let him intimidate her had rocked his whole world.
"Anything else?" she asked.
"Aww, hell, Rin," I groaned. "Do we have to keep talking about this? I'm fucked up enough already."
"Sometimes it helps," she said. "Maybe I can help you figure out why you feel this way."
"Do I really need a reason?" I asked. "Is there any one stupid reason you love Squall?"
"No," Rinoa said honestly. "So what are you going to do?"
"Nothing. She has a boyfriend, and she's not going to leave him," I paused to take a long swallow of whiskey. "Even though he's fucking Quistis behind her back."
Rinoa's stunned expression told me that nobody knew about this. The others were common knowledge, but they'd kept this very, very quiet, and I wished to Hyne I didn't know. Not knowing would have kept me in the dark about my irrational and illogical feelings for a while longer. I desperately wished for that. I wanted to take it all back, erase the moment from time and forget it ever happened.
"What?" Rinoa asked. "No. That's not possible. Quistis wouldn't do that."
I just laughed.
"Seifer, are you serious?"
"When am I not?"
I told her about the argument I'd overheard. Rinoa took another swallow of whiskey and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand.
"I know about the others, but I can't believe Quistis would fall for his bullshit," Rinoa said. "That's so unlike her."
"Why hasn't anyone thought to tell her the truth about him?" I asked. "Why let her stay in the dark?"
"I've tried," she said. "She doesn't want to hear it. She won't hear a word against him."
That was pretty much in line with whatever I'd already figured out.
"For what it's worth, I think you'd be better for her," Rinoa said. "And I think she could be really good for you."
"Doesn't matter," I said. "She's with the person she wants to be with, and there's nothing I can do about it."
IV
Rinoa wasn't sure who to talk to first, Quistis or Selphie. She wandered the Garden grounds, feeling shellshocked and upset at all the drama going on. She felt like she needed to go steal some plates from the cafeteria so she could smash them one by one against the side of the Armory. Maybe she'd throw a few at Irvine for good measure for being such a bastard.
She decided she needed to talk to him before she said another word to her best friends. She burst into his office and slammed the door behind her.
"Quistis?" she asked. "Really? Of all the women at Garden, you have to go after her best friend? What the hell is wrong with you? Why would you do that to either of them?"
Irvine paled and leaned his head into his hands.
"I'm all out of excuses," he said. "I don't know what you want me to tell you."
"Tell me why."
"Because I love them both," he said. "I've loved Selphie since I was a kid. I still love her, but she's not there for me the way I need her to be."
"And Quistis is?"
"When we're not fighting over this, she's exactly what I need and I see a future with her that I don't see with Selphie," he said. "That's the whole truth. I don't want to hurt Selphie any more than you do, but it's inevitable. Either she finds out about this and leaves me, or I break up with her. Either way, I wind up being the bad guy, and I don't want to be the bad guy."
Rinoa tried to understand where he was coming from, but she didn't. Not wanting to be the guy that broke Selphie's heart wasn't a good enough reason to drag out a relationship he didn't want to be in. Nor was it a reason to sleep with her best friend.
"You're a coward," Rinoa said.
She turned on her heel and walked out, realizing that she was too angry to speak to Quistis about it. Rinoa hadn't heard her side of the story, but she didn't think it would help matters any. So she went to Selphie, who was in her office, staring blankly out the window looking sad and very much unlike the happy, sunny girl she knew.
Rinoa closed the door and sat in front of her desk.
"Wanna talk about it?" Rinoa asked.
"No."
"Okay."
"He's such a butthead!" Selphie suddenly cried.
Rinoa suppressed a smile at her friends choice insult. In Selphie's book, the worst thing you could be was a butthead. But that butthead loved her and was now drinking himself silly in his room because he couldn't have her. It made her wish there was a girl for Seifer. Maybe not Selphie, but some girl out there who could see him as her hero. It was obvious he badly wanted to be that for someone, and it would have done him a world of good for there to be a woman who saw past all the bullshit and loved him just because.
"He actually tried to tell me Irvine was cheating on me! Can you believe that?"
Rinoa sighed and looked sadly at her friend.
"That's because it's true," Rinoa said, feeling bad that she had to say it out loud. "Irvine is cheating on you."
"What?! Not you, too!"
"Selphie, listen to me-"
"NO! Whatever he said to you is a lie," Selphie said. "Don't believe a single word he says because it isn't true."
V
Selphie got up from her chair and fled the office and all the lies they were trying to tell her. It simply wasn't true. Not a word of it. She burst into Irvine's office a few minutes later. He didn't smile when he saw her. His eyes were wary and sad.
"Let's run away, Irvine," she said. "Let's go to that little chapel on the beach and get married. Right now. I changed my mind. I don't want to wait anymore."
"I thought you would want to plan some big extravaganza."
"Not any more. I just want you."
There was a relief in his eyes as if he'd expected her to say something different. He got up from his chair and put his arms around her and held her so tight, she almost stopped breathing. When he let her go, his smile was broad and charming.
"I'll go get the car."
VI
My drinking binge continued the rest of the day. By the time Raijin and Fujin arrived for our night out in Balamb, I was maintaining a steady buzz, still feeling sorry for myself and not really up for a night on the town.
"Get up, get in the shower, and get dressed or so help me, I will kick you in the balls," Fujin threatened.
She had done that to me exactly once, and it had made me want to die. I did as told because even though I was sufficiently sauced enough to take the edge off, I didn't want to piss blood for the next three days.
They took me to a bar near the harbor. It was a seedy place, full of taxidermy fish, model sailboats and roughnecks. I just sat there at the bar, nursing glass after glass of whiskey, not saying much, even though Raijin was trying hard to lift my spirits by doing impressions of the so called "fated children," none of which were good except for his impression of Dincht, which was spot on, but I barely had the energy to laugh.
"What's wrong with you?" Fujin finally asked.
"Pituitary poisoning," I muttered to my drink.
She didn't know the hell a pituitary was, so she incorrectly assumed I'd gotten food poisoning in the cafeteria and suggested I slow down on the alcohol. I considered it, and then ordered another round.
A rough shove behind me sent me flying into the bar. The bridge of my nose smashed against the wood bar top and I felt something in my face go crunch. Blood began to flow out of my left nostril as I righted myself and turned around to find out what just happened. An angry faced man a few years older than me stood behind me, looking like he was about to kill me with his bare hands.
I eyed him, trying to decide if he was for real or just trying to look cool in front of his friends.
"My wife died because of you," he said.
"My condolences and apologies," I said, trying to stem the flow of blood from my nose with a cocktail napkin.
"Wise ass," the guy said.
He grabbed me by the collar of my shirt and dragged me from away from the bar. He took a swing at me and I swung back. My drunken aim was way off, and I ended up punching the guy next to him. The room erupted in a flurry of fists, and to no one's surprise, Fujin was right in the middle of it while Raijin ducked for cover. No one would have dared hit him anyway due to his size. But still. He ducked for cover, leaving me to defend my drunken self against five or six guys all bent on getting revenge for their lost relative or friend.
I tried to defend myself, I really did. I got in a few good punches, but some fucked up part of my brain just wanted them to beat the shit out of me. I understood their hostility and their anger. I was a villain and they were giving me what I deserved. More than that, physical pain was easier for me to understand than all the crap I was going through emotionally. Ironically, getting my ass beat hurt less than all of the stuff going on inside.
To my left, Fujin kicked some guy in the shin and then smashed her beer glass over his head.
"RAGE!"
Raijin was cowering next to the juke box. He made a pathetic sight. He was a 350 pound pacifist with a fondness for fashion, cooking and girly things, hiding from a bunch of guys he outweighed by 200 pounds.
Something hit me hard upside the head and I saw stars and felt a rush of blood down the side of my face. The room started spinning and I hit the floor hard. I saw the steel toed boot coming an instant before it smashed into my skull and everything went black.
The next thing I knew, I was outside, on the ground being kicked repeatedly. All I could do was put my arms over my face and take it. I was out numbered and too drunk to fight back. I couldn't tell you how long it went on. It could have been minutes. It could have been hours. I was nauseated and it felt like everything was broken. I didn't care. They could have killed me, and I wouldn't have cared.
A woman's voice cut through the noise and the curses going on above me. The assault stopped and I lay on the pavement, unable to move or even open my eyes to see who'd come to my rescue.
There was a heated argument between the woman and a man that I only caught pieces of.
"I don't care who he is, only a bunch of cowards would gang up on a guy and beat him unconscious!" her voice cried. "He can't even defend himself, you big, stupid idiots!"
I heard a collective grumbling, and then footsteps. Gentle hands slid over by battered body, assessing the damage. It still hurt like hell, but I knew who it was without even having to see her.
VII
Selphie and Irvine had just left the Chapel By the Sea, hand in hand and giddy with their impromptu nuptials when Irvine had spied the fight outside a trashy bar by the harbor. A single figure lay curled up on the ground and several men were kicking him repeatedly. Indignant, Selphie ran over, leaving Irvine behind to break up the fight. She'd always hated bullies, and no matter what the reason, kicking a man when he was down and outnumbered just wasn't fair.
"Stop!" she cried. "Stop it, right now!"
They turned and looked at her standing there with her hands on her hips. A couple of them laughed and resumed their kicking, but Selphie wasn't having that.
"Leave him alone!" she said.
They ignored her, so she screeched at them again, louder this time and withdrew her nunchaku. This time, they turned and stared.
"I don't think you want to ignore me, boys."
"Yeah? And who might you be," one of them asked.
"Selphie Tilmitt-Kinneas," she said coolly. "Rank A SeeD. You want to fight? Fight me."
They glanced at each other, but didn't budge.
"Yeah, well this guy right here is Seifer Almasy, and he killed my wife."
She glanced at the man on the ground. His face was covered in blood, but there was no mistaking him for anyone else. She would have recognized the jacket anywhere. Her heart squeezed at the sight of him. He must have been badly hurt if he wasn't fighting back, and Selphie got angry.
"I don't care who he is, only a bunch of cowards would gang up on a guy and beat him unconscious!" she cried. "He can't even defend himself, you big, stupid idiots!"
They dispersed, muttering to each other as the walked away. She went to Seifer's side and gasped when she saw the damage. There was a huge cut on the side of his head, his nose was broken, both eyes swollen shut and his mouth was bleeding. She ran his hands over the rest of his body, feeling for breaks and lacerations. She thought his wrist might be broken, definitely a couple of ribs, but he didn't seem to be bleeding from anywhere else.
"Sef?"
"Don't move, Seifer," she said. "You're pretty messed up right now."
He started laughing, but it was clearly too painful. He groaned and groped for her hand, found it and held on.
Irvine, who had been standing off to the side, his rifle at the ready, joined her without a word. He looked at Seifer with pity and shook his head.
"Bring the car around, okay?" she said. "I'll do my best to patch him up."
Irvine nodded and stalked off toward the parking lot on the other side of the harbor. She thought it was weird that he was being so quiet, but she pushed that thought into the back of her mind and fiddled in her purse for a potion and some tissues. She wasn't junctioned, so she couldn't cast any magic, but she was pretty sure she had some kind of curative in her purse. She just couldn't find it.
After an eternity of searching through her giant handbag, she found a potion at the bottom and fished it out, uncapped it and poured some of it on the nasty cut on Seifer's head. It stopped the bleeding and healed it somewhat, but not completely. It would have to do until they got him back to Garden.
The rest of the potion, she applied to the abrasions on his face. He still looked awful, and she felt awful about it. She was angry that people felt the need to do this sort of thing. And she felt guilty because he'd probably gotten smashed because she'd rejected him. She now realized how upset he must have been by that and she was sad that she couldn't return his feelings. Hiding underneath all the bravado was a really nice guy. He'd done nice things for her, all on his own, just because. Some day, she hoped he found a girl who could love him back, but Selphie wasn't that girl. She was a married woman now, after all.
"Sef, I'm an idiot," he said.
"Duh," she said. "So what happened?"
"Bar fight."
"I know that. Did you start it?"
"Nope."
His grip on her hand went slack, and she looked down at him to see that his swollen eyes were closed, when just a moment ago they'd been open. Worried, she gave him a soft slap on the cheek, afraid to injure him any more than he already was.
"Hey, stay awake," she said. "You might have a concussion or something."
Irvine arrived with the car and parked it beside them. He got out and opened up the back door, then joined Selphie beside Seifer.
"I love all your crazy, Sef," Seifer muttered. "I don't know why, but I do."
"Just be quiet, okay?" she said, feeling her cheeks heat up. "Can you stand up?"
"Nope."
Selphie looked at Irvine.
"A little help?" she asked.
"You get his legs, I'll get his head."
They wrangled him into the car with some difficulty. He was tall and heavy, and he wasn't exactly helping them as he slipped in and out of consciousness. It also didn't help that Irvine accidentally bashed Seifer's head against the door frame as they maneuvered him into the back seat. Selphie propped him up and tried to belt him in, but he slumped over and muttered something into the seat. With a sigh, Selphie got in the back with him and lifted his head so that it could rest in her lap.
Irvine gave her a long, appraising look in silence from the open door. Selphie met his eyes with a helpless shrug.
"You got a potion on you?" she asked. "I used my last one."
He dug in the pockets of his duster and produced a small vial. He tossed it to her, then shut the door and got in the driver's seat without a word. Irvine was being weirdly quiet and Selphie wasn't sure why. Maybe it was because their honeymoon had been interrupted, or maybe he just really didn't like Seifer. Either way, his silence worried her.
In her lap, Seifer murmured something and nuzzled her thigh. A sharp and unexplainable thrill went through her at the sensation and she bit her lip to hold back her gasp.
"Soft," he muttered.
She turned him slightly towards her so she could look at the wounds on his face. He still looked really bad. He was almost unrecognizable. She uncapped the potion and tended to his swollen eyes and split lips. He had really nice lips, Selphie thought. Then she thought about how they'd felt against hers and her heart started to beat double.
No. She couldn't be thinking about that. She'd just gotten married, for Hyne's sake!
He grabbed hold of her hand and pulled it around him, his fingers trying to lace through hers. She was glad for the dark inside the car. Otherwise, Irvine would have seen it. Not that it was that big a deal, but he would have seen her blushing, too and she didn't want to have to explain. There was nothing to explain. Right?
His cheek dropped back against her thighs and she felt his lips brush the inside of her knee. She had to fight to suppress the whimper in her throat, and just for an instant, she'd thought maybe she'd made a huge, giant mistake in marrying Irvine. Never, ever had Irvine's touch made her feel the way the brush of Seifer's lips against her skin felt right now. Seifer, in his wrecked state, probably hadn't even intended to do it, but it made her wild for more.
Almost as soon as the thought crossed her mind, she closed it off and pictured the ranch she and Irvine might some day have. Peaceful and comfortable. They'd have kids and chocobos. A view of both the ocean and the mountains. It would be perfect, and there was no place in that fantasy for Seifer.
VIII
Irvine was already regretting getting married. For a few irrational hours, he'd believed that maybe marrying her would solve all their problems. He'd hoped that having an official document and a ring on his finger would make it easier to commit himself fully to her. Even as they'd stood facing one another in front of the pastor, saying the words, he'd hoped that this was the thing he needed to do right by Selphie. In spite of his wandering eye and his appetite for variety, he wanted Selphie to be happy.
But as he drove back to Balamb, he realized what a mistake it was. This decision had been rash and impulsive. A desperate, last-ditch effort to save something that he knew couldn't be saved. The ring on his finger would no more prevent him from seeking out the comfort of other women than a paper tent would keep out the rain.
Maybe he wasn't the only one guilty of infidelity, though. He'd suspected weeks ago that Seifer was into Selphie, but now he was starting to suspect it was mutual. Something was up. He was sure of it.
There wasn't anything specific that tipped him off, nothing that he could put his finger on. It was more of a feeling he'd had, and it had begun with the photographs Seifer had taken of Selphie. There was just something about the way Selphie looked in those photos that had really bothered Irvine. There was something in her eyes that had never been there when she looked at him. And now, he suspected that his wife of two hours was falling for another man.
What else could explain the worried look on her face as she stared out the window with her fingers threaded through Seifer's hair? He could see it all in the rearview mirror. Seifer's battered head in Selphie's lap with his hand clasped around her knee.
Hyne, he wished he could believe marrying her was the right thing to do. He thought of Quistis, and wished he was in her arms. Then he felt guilty for thinking of Quistis at a time like this. Guilty because he knew he should be thinking of Selphie, and guilty because he knew this was going to break Quistis' heart.
What was wrong with him? How was it possible to love two women in completely different ways and need them both? He hated himself for that. But he'd made a decision, and he was going to try like hell to make it work. He had to. For everyone's sake, not just his own.
IX
I woke up in the infirmary the following afternoon. Every part of me hurt. Including my hair. I felt sick and broken, and I didn't know how I'd gotten there. The last thing I remembered was Selphie's face floating above me, her big green eyes full of concern.
I hoped to Hyne I hadn't said anything stupid. I'd already shamed myself enough. I didn't want to give anyone any more proof of what a mess I was.
"Welcome back," Dr. Kadowaki said from the doorway. "How are you feeling?"
"Like shit."
"That's to be expected," she said. "You took quite the beating, Seifer."
I reached up to rub my face and saw that my arm was in a splint from elbow to fingertips. I looked at it dully, not remembering when it had happened.
"Broken?" I asked.
"Broken," Dr. K confirmed. "Along with six ribs, your nose in two places, your cheekbone and the back of your skull. From what I hear, if Selphie hadn't found you, they probably would have killed you. You're lucky to be alive."
I leaned back against the pillows, half wishing they had killed me. Now that I was awake and sober, the pain was excruciating. Potions only worked to an extent. The rest, the body had to do on it's own.
"Any chance you've got a full cure?" I asked.
"All out. You know it's hard to come by," Dr. K said. "But perhaps Rinoa would be willing. For the time being, I can give you something to ease the pain."
"Okay," I agreed weakly and closed my eyes.
It was evening when I opened them again, and Squall and Rinoa were sitting in chairs near the window. Squall was reading through a thick report, a pair of reading glasses perched on his nose, and Rinoa was flipping through a magazine. I wondered how long they'd been here, and why they'd decided to wait for me.
"Nice glasses, old man," I muttered at Squall.
"Eye strain," he said. "Doctor's orders."
I sat up, feeling no better than before, though the pain had been dulled down significantly, thanks to the meds Dr. K had given me.
"Listen," Squall said. "I'm sorry. I didn't even consider your safety when I said you could have leave to go to Balamb. I thought Raijin and Fujin would be sufficient protection, but -"
"No worries," I said, cutting him off. "In hindsight, that bar wasn't the best choice. It's my own damn fault."
"From now on, I'll make sure you have a proper security detail," he said. "Just in case."
"That makes me feel special," I said drily.
"Necessary."
I didn't tell him I had no plans to venture out on my own for a while.
Rinoa pressed a magazine into my undamaged hand.
"What's this?"
"A copy of this month's Esthar Times. I thought you might like to take a look," she said. "Page 16."
I opened it and saw they'd done a six page spread on Sorceress Rinoa Leonhart, most powerful woman in the world. They'd printed four of my photographs for the story, three of them featuring Rinoa alone and one of Rinoa and Squall together. There was a brief summary of Rinoa and her accomplishments, which on paper were rather impressive. My name was listed in the photo captions, crediting me for the work.
"Quistis is in there, too of course," she said. "They used two of your photos."
I flipped to Quistis' spread, glanced at it and closed the magazine. I didn't want to look at her. Looking at her reminded me of Selphie, and I was trying like hell not to think about her.
"You want to know the really interesting part, Seifer?" Rinoa asked.
"What's that?"
"Since the issue hit the stands yesterday, the magazine's been inundated with requests for prints of your photos," Rinoa said. "People want to buy them."
I was too stoned on pain meds to be terribly enthusiastic about it, but I was secretly pleased that people had liked them.
"Thanks," I said. "For bringing this by."
It wasn't the reaction she'd expected from me, and I saw the worry creep into her eyes.
"Is there anything I can do?" she asked. "Anything you need?"
"A full cure would be great," I admitted.
"I can do that," she said.
The effect of her magic was immediate. I closed my eyes as my body started to mend itself, not minding the weird sensations it caused as my bones knit themselves back together and the abrasions on my skin healed.
"Feel better?" she asked.
"Loads," I said. "Thanks."
"Any time."
"You still look like shit," Squall deadpanned.
X
Rinoa was shocked by the news that Selphie had eloped with Irvine. She had hoped telling her that Irvine was cheating would have made Selphie at least question it, but she'd gone off and done the most irrational thing she could have done. It seemed so desperate, like Selphie was trying to save their relationship by marrying him. Rinoa didn't see it ending well for either of them, but she hoped that maybe they would figure out a way to make it work. She just didn't think they could.
"Does Quistis seem weird lately, or is it just me?" Squall asked at breakfast a few days later.
Rinoa suspected she knew why Quistis was acting weird, but she hadn't told Squall about all the drama going on. While they were his friends, he stayed out of their personal business. Besides, he'd been too busy lately to share the news with him, and wasn't even sure how to bring it up.
"She has been a little down lately," Rinoa offered. "Maybe I'll stop by and see her today."
"I think she'd like that."
She'd been avoiding Quistis since she'd found out about the affair, but decided maybe it was time to hear her side of the story. She got two cups of coffee from the quad, knowing that the coffee in the executive offices was garbage and Quistis would appreciate the offering.
Quistis' door was open when Rinoa arrived at her office. She was sitting at her desk, staring absently out the window.
"Knock, knock," Rinoa said. "Brought you a double roast."
"Rinoa, you're an angel," Quistis said. "Come in."
Rinoa went to the desk and sat down, placing Quistis' coffee in front of her friend. Rinoa noted that she looked tired and troubled.
"I haven't seen you much lately," Rinoa said. "Is everything okay?"
"Just busy," she said, though she hadn't looked terribly busy when Rinoa had arrived.
"Am I interrupting anything?"
"No, it's fine. I could use a break. So what's up?"
Rinoa didn't know where to start. She pondered how to approach this conversation without sounding like she was making accusations or taking sides.
"I know about you and Irvine," she finally said. "I'm trying not to judge, but..."
"Who told you?"
"Does it matter?"
"I guess it doesn't," Quistis said. "Does Selphie know?"
"Not yet."
"I feel awful about it," Quistis said. "I wish it had never happened."
She looked so ashamed of herself, Rinoa didn't have the heart to get angry about it again. She was glad she'd waited a few days to have this conversation. Hyne knew what she might have said she'd confronted her friend in the heat of the moment. She'd already gone off on Irvine, which she felt bad about, if only because it had prompted him to go along with Selphie's hair brained wedding scheme.
"Why did it happen?" Rinoa asked. "I just can't see you falling for those cheesy lines of his."
"I was...lonely," Quistis said. She sighed and shook her head. "I know that's not an excuse."
"Do you...love him?"
Quistis' eyes filled with tears and she nodded.
"I can't help it," Quistis said. "I'm so mad at myself and at him and I'm so afraid that Selphie's going to find out. She'll never forgive me."
Rinoa got up and put an arm around Quistis. She wanted to be mad at Quistis, but it was clear she was hurting. While Rinoa didn't understand the betrayal, Quistis was still her friend.
"You're not still seeing each other, are you?" Rinoa asked.
"I broke it off," Quistis sniffled. "And an hour later he married her. He said he loved me, Rin, but he married her."
Rinoa didn't know how she'd become the rational one of their bunch. Squall aside, there was so much drama going on and she'd been dragged right into the middle. She felt like she knew too much, and for some reason they all wanted to spill their guts to her. While it was flattering that they trusted her, sometimes the burden was a little too intense. And she hated seeing all her friends so upset, especially when they were upset with each other.
Seifer loved Selphie. Selphie loved Irvine. Irvine loved Quistis and Selphie. It was such a mess.
"I know this sounds cliché, but maybe it's for the best," Rinoa said.
"The best for who?" Quistis asked.
Who, indeed?
XI
I was back on my feet in time for classes the next day, though my body was still stiff and I had a mild, lingering headache that wouldn't go away. I sucked it up and suffered through it. By the time I got to Selphie's office, I was feeling pretty worn out and miserable, and I wasn't prepared for the gaggle of women in her office. Some of them were SeeDs she knew casually, and I recognized one as the secretary from the admissions office. Selphie was showing something off at the desk, and there were collective oohs and ahhs from the ladies. I ignored it, just like I ignored the fearful stares I got from some of them. I sat down and reached for my inbox, which Selphie had stuffed full of the kids ideas for a dance.
Eventually, the girls all took off, leaving me and Selphie alone. It was the first time we'd been alone together since I'd drunkenly confessed my irrational love for her. I vowed that if she said anything about it, I'd just tell her I'd been blind drunk and didn't know what I was saying. It would make it easier for both of us.
"You look much better," she said. "I stopped by yesterday, but you were asleep."
I didn't have anything to say to that, so I flipped through a party catalog, feigning interest in the selection of balloons. I could feel her staring at me.
"Are you okay?" she asked.
"I've been better," I admitted. "I owe you one, by the way. Thanks for scraping me up off the sidewalk."
It was the best I could do, since I felt she was partly to blame for me being too drunk to fight back. It was mostly my fault, though. Mostly.
"That was really scary!" she said. "I thought for sure they'd killed you."
"Good thing I'm pretty hard to kill."
"Well, anyway, I was thinking we could set up a table for the first week of classes with information on our plans, you know, with our mission statement and all that stuff so that people can see what it's all about," she said. "We can get some of our volunteers to man the tables, but I was thinking you could work on putting together the information. You know, like make up some fliers and stuff."
She got up from her desk and placed a stack of hand written notes in front of me. It was then that I spied the ring on her finger. Without thinking, I reached out and grabbed her hand, looking at the ring in disbelief. It was a thin gold band with a huge diamond. A wedding ring.
A fucking wedding ring.
"Tell me you didn't marry that asshole."
She snatched her hand away from me and took a step back. Her friendly expression became cold and guarded, something I wasn't used to seeing in her face.
"Selphie, tell me you didn't."
"I did. Yesterday."
I was pissed. I felt anger boil up inside me again because I couldn't believe she'd be so stupid. It had nothing to do with my feelings, but with her complete inability to see Irvine for what he was. To stay in a relationship with him was one thing, but to marry the guy was just plain moronic.
I wasn't about to get into it with her about it again. I didn't have the energy, and there was no point. Instead, I got up, grabbed my bag and headed for the door.
"Seifer, wait. Don't go."
I turned back around to face her and saw such extreme sadness in her eyes that it was hard not to go to her and fold her up in my arms.
"Tell me why."
"Because I love him."
"Don't lie to me," I said. "It's because you know he's cheating and getting him to put a ring on your finger was the only way you thought you could keep him."
Her face was a picture of rage as she reached for something on her desk and hurled it at me. I ducked and a stuffed moomba hit the wall behind me. It was so ridiculous, I started laughing.
"That all you got?" I asked.
The next thing that came flying was a moogle doll, which bounced off my chest and landed on the floor in front of my desk. She proceeded to throw a series of stuffed animals, while I stood there letting them bounce off of me. I wasn't prepared for the stapler, which smacked me right between the eyes, sending a spiral of pain through my freshly healed nose. I pressed a hand to my face and leaned back against the door frame.
"Fuck," I muttered. "I asked for that."
I could tell by the look on her face that she hadn't meant to hurt me. But she still had, and she came over to make sure the damaged she'd done wasn't going to interfere with the healing process. The instant she came near me I reached over and closed and locked the door and pressed her back against it.
"Seifer, what are you doing?" she protested.
"What do you think I'm doing?" I asked.
Then I leaned down and brushed my lips against hers, testing her resolve and commitment to the cheating cowboy. Her reaction was immediate and her lips came up to meet mine. One of her hands balled up in the collar of my shirt, the other slid up my chest, seeming to forget all about her new husband.
I kissed her slowly, softly and without any urgency at all. This was a strategic move, not borne out of lust but to prove a point. When I heard her soft moan, I broke away from her and looked down into her eyes. She looked stunned, like she wasn't sure where she was or what she was doing.
"He's going to break your heart," I said quietly, "and I'll be damned if I'm going to sit back and watch it happen."
I kissed her harder, pouring everything I felt for her into that kiss. All my desire, all my anger, my hatred and every bit of my affection for her. For a few, precious minutes, I lost myself in it and in her response to it. Every bit of my passion for her was returned to me as she greedily kissed me back. This was not the heat filled groping on the pool table, but it could have gone that way if I'd been less in control. Her mouth was as eager for mine as mine was for hers.
But when her arms went around my neck, I pulled back again.
"Look me in the eyes and tell me you don't feel anything for me, and I'll never do this again," I said.
She still had that stunned look on her face and she shook her head once. I grazed her bottom lip with my thumb and I saw it tremble, ever so slightly.
"Say it, and I'll never kiss you again," I whispered.
"I...I can't," she said.
"You can't say it?" I asked.
"I can't do this," she said and pushed away from me.
"You just did."
"I'm married," she insisted. "I love him."
"If you love him, the why did you let me do it?"
"I don't know!" she cried.
"Say it, and I'll leave you alone."
"Fine," she said, turning around to face me. "I don't have feelings for you."
I might have been crushed if I didn't know she was lying.
PodSara Notes:
Some of Selphie's self denial comes from my own experience with a cheating hubby. We married young and I was convinced he'd never want to be with anyone but me. I saw all the signs, but I ignored them and I stayed far too long in a relationship that ultimately shattered me in the end. And I knew all along what he was doing. I knew it, and I made up for it by pretending nothing was going on, pretending to be happy. But I wasn't. So I wasted years of my life on someone who never made me a priority. I didn't smother him. I had my own things going on, friends of my own, hobbies that he wasn't involved with and I let him have his own friends and hobbies too. Then he cheated with someone very close to me and I couldn't deny it anymore. By then, the relationship was on the skids anyway, but it still crushed me because the woman he cheated with was someone I loved. She was family to me and that kind of betrayal was so much worse than if he'd met some random girl at a bar.
Irvine and Quistis hooking up was Wench's idea from the beginning, but I took it and ran with it based on that experience. So to those that have said that it seems very realistic, some of it is based on the above experience.
Wench Notes:
The next chapter starts a bit of a time jump. It will fast forward us through a few months to spring. There just wasn't much we could do with the instructor stuff without being repetitive. While it is important, the day to day stuff just isn't all that interesting. So, we'll jump ahead a bit, where the love, hate and action pick up again.
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