Chapter 14 – Not What They had in Mind
Daryl watched her face go red and hot even in the darkness and then she rolled her eyes exasperatedly. "Really, Daryl? That's what you have to say?" He resisted the urge to shrug. The freezer was warm but his shoulders felt cold with the loss of her touch from before. He had never been in the habit of touching people, or of letting himself be touched if he could help it…but this strange feeling of loss at where her hands had just been…it was suddenly all he could think about.
He was silent too long after her question and she turned from him, her arms crossing in front of her automatically, one hand rubbing up and down her arm self-consciously. She paced the wall back to the door and leaned her head against it, straining to hear anything from the outside.
"Steel," he said, coming up behind her, "ya ain't gonna hear shit…"
She sighed loudly and turned to face him. "Is there even air in here? Aren't freezers air tight?," she asked, frowning.
"Should be okay… unless we's fixin to be in 'ere all night," Daryl said glancing up and around, peering at the corners and walls that boxed them in.
"What do you think happened?," she asked then, her eyes wet and wide.
He wished he was a different man than the one he was. Daryl wanted to be a man who could say that everyone would be okay, that whatever it was… it would pass, and they'd get out and everyone would be fine… Sophia would be fine. But he'd said that before, hadn't he? He hadn't been totally wrong… Sophia had been fine – fine wit' Merle – but Daryl hadn't been the one to find her, had he?
He wondered if a day would come when he didn't come back to that in his head… his failings, his shortcomings. She always said he was a good man… and he wanted more than anything to believe her.
"Cain't say…," he said softly and he watched as she squeezed her eyes shut for a moment, a single tear rolling down her cheek as she opened them again. He had the strangest notion to wipe that tear, to reach out with his hand, and use his thumb to swipe it away. He remembered the day in the kitchen when he'd had chocolate on his mouth and she'd put her thumb to his lips… suddenly he was cold, cold standing in a too warm room, wanting something he had no business wanting, at a time when he sure as hell shouldn't be wanting it.
"Andrea said Merle and Sophia were together… Merle has Sophia so she has to be safe…," Carol said, her tone imploring.
"Merle's got 'er," Daryl said, suddenly knowing what he should say, "my brother…he ain't always done right by me, but I ain't ever seen him do wrong by yer girl. He… he loves 'er, he'll keep 'er safe sure as anythin'."
The corner of her mouth twitched in a small smile and her eyes shone in the darkness, the only light in the room near as he could tell came straight from within her.
"I'm really sorry, Daryl," Carol said softly and he looked puzzled at her for a moment.
"Wha' ya got to 'pologize for?," he mumbled quickly, the warmth in the room flooding his face as he realized how uncomfortable he suddenly was.
She swallowed and his eyes lingered on her throat a second too long before raising back to meet her eyes. "For yelling at you like I did, in front of everybody… about coming here… it seems like you were right."
"Nah," he shook his head, pursed his lips, "I'm-a jus' too stupid to admit when someone else knows better than me… Merle was right, shoulda gotten ya a weapon a long time ago."
A giggle escaped Carol's lips unbidden and she smiled. "I don't think we should tell Merle you said that," she whispered the words even though it was just the two of them trapped in the freezer together.
"Reckon he's got a big 'nough head as it is these days," Daryl muttered in response, glancing away from her.
"He loves you, you know, he really just wants to make things right," Carol said and Daryl looked at her sharply.
"Ya don't know nothin' bout it," he snapped, his eyes blazing, but he saw it… the hesitation of knowledge in her eyes… what did she know? He felt it in the pit of his stomach, and he remembered the deer in the headlights look that every one of them had in their room when he'd walked in. "Wha'd he fuckin tell ya?," he growled out angrily.
Carol's eyes hardened and suddenly her hand was on his chest, over his shirt, palm down against the hard wall of his chest, almost dead center, and he knew she could feel the long, ridged scar that lay beneath his shirt, that mottled him. He was holding his breath, a second from pulling away, from yanking his body back and away from her touch.
She looked indecisive, as if she wasn't quite sure what she planned to say next... she dropped her head a second, stared down at the ground and then raised it again to meet his eyes, her fingers and palm still flush against that scar… she might as well have reached down in and laced her hand around his heart.
"I'm not afraid to love you, Daryl," her eyes never left his as she spoke, "you might be afraid to love me, and that's fine, or maybe you just don't love me, and that's fine too… but I'm not afraid to love you, and you should know that.
It nearly pained him to back away, he felt the stab in his chest, right where the scar was, as he moved a hand over hers, clasping it inside his own and then pulling it off of him, stepping back, giving him distance. He needed the distance to breathe.
Something dawned in her eyes, a sadness, a melancholy across her features, but a resigned melancholy. She thought that was his answer, that was his response. She seemed to nod her head slightly, turned her face to the side as if she couldn't look at him and went to pull her hand out from his, but he didn't release it. She raised her face again to look at him questioningly.
"Ya don't wanna love me," he said softly, his voice so low he might as well have been talking to himself.
She opened her mouth but he shook his head, squeezing her hand.
"Ya don't wanna love me," he repeated. "I don't want ya to love me… I ain't good, Carol. I ain't no good. I wanna be… for ya… but tha' don't make me nothin' near worthy of you lovin' me."
"Daryl," she started, but he squeezed her hand again and she closed her mouth.
"I'm afraid of lovin ya, woman… ain't never truly been afraid in my whole life. Never fuckin cared 'nough to be afraid-a nothin'… but I… I am fuckin shit terrified of loving you," he kept his eyes averted as he spoke, only pinning them to her on that last word.
"I'm not scary, Daryl… no one's been scared of me my whole life," Carol said softly, slowly entangling her hand from his and stepping forward, placing her hand again on his chest, over that scar.
"Wha' do ya want?," he asked softly, it wasn't a harsh question, just a question… his eyes were so unsure, his body tense like he might balk at any moment. He was an idiot for this, blathering on like an idiot… telling her he was scared… he was a Dixon… what's a Dixon got to be afraid of except maybe another Dixon. But he couldn't pull away this time; he didn't want to break the contact of her palm on his body, his heart beating right beneath it.
"You, Daryl, I… just… want… you," she breathed.
And he kissed her like it was the most natural thing in the world to do, like he'd been kissing her his whole life even. He just leaned in, and touched his lips to hers, and she responded, opening them slightly and kissing him back, their bodies moving automatically into an embrace.
The creak of the door made them pull apart slightly, one of his hands grasping the back of her neck lightly, and her hand still against his chest as they turned toward the door. A black shadow of a person was backlight in the doorway, and a heavy footstep inside revealed a man… jeans, black jacket, gun clipped to his belt, dirty blondish hair and a leering smile.
"What have we here?," the man said gruffly and Daryl could see Andrea just outside the doorway, held tight by a large man with dark features, clutching her against him, terror written across her face.
"Who the fuck are you?," Daryl said grabbing for Carol and pushing her behind him as he stepped forward.
The man smiled, and his shoulders moved as if he was amused. "Well I'm the Governor of Woodbury, so who the fuck are you?"
A/N – yes, he's here! Since we haven't officially "met" the governor on the show yet, my governor will probably be a bit comic, a bit what I imagine he might be on the show, and probably mostly of my own assumptions. So we're a bit AU here, but I figure Sophia is still alive and Merle is with the group so hell, I'm all AU anyway. lol. Thank you for your reviews so far! Looking forward to your thoughts on this one!