This Silent Sacrifice
Chapter 14
Sephiroth watched the transports slowly empty. He forced himself to hover in the shadows even though he ached to stand next to Zachary and Kunsel. He wanted to be the first one Cloud saw. He wanted to pull Cloud into his arms, and bury his face in the soft plumes of hair. But that was not possible, not now, perhaps never. Sephiroth would not risk Cloud's safety for anything, and he could not deny that being seen with the general would be nothing but dangerous for Cloud. So Sephiroth waited, impatiently, for a mere glimpse of Cloud. He would have Cloud to himself soon, but not soon enough.
The returning cadets had finished pouring out of the transport trucks, and Sephiroth's eyes scanned the exhausted looking group with growing concern. Where was Cloud?
His head turned at an angry shout. Zachary was engaged in a heated conversation with one of the instructors. Zachary snatched a list from the man, before devouring it with fearful eyes. Kunsel hovered nearby, uneasy knots worked into his brow.
Sephiroth's teeth clenched. He needed to know what was happening! He needed to see Cloud's bright head breaking through the crowd. Zachary threw the paper back in the instructor's face, voice breaking in a desperate shout.
"What do you mean he didn't make the check point? Cloud's too good to…to…" Desperate eyes turned to Kunsel, and the other SOLDIER placed a hand on Zachary's arm. "I don't believe it." Zachary's face contorted in grief and denial. "I won't believe it! There's no way he 'didn't make it.' Not Spiky, not Spiky too..."
NO! Sephiroth stumbled away from the scene, mind refusing to believe it. It was not true. Not Cloud. Not Cloud. No! Please. Please. Please. No! His mind refused to accept this. It was lies, all lies. Sephiroth clutched his head.
A few monsters could not…. Not Cloud. Cloud was still out there, he must be. And he needed help. That was all. Cloud had been injured and needed help. Sephiroth would find him! He would bring Cloud home. He would find Cloud, and they would be together like they were meant to be. Cloud was his; no one could take Cloud from him. He would not allow it!
He straightened, a slow exhale escaping his lips. Cloud was not…gone. Sephiroth had to find him. He had to hurry. He moved towards the doors. He needed his sword, materia, a medical kit in case Cloud was injured—
"Sephiroth?" He didn't stop. Cloud was in danger. "Hey, Sephiroth!"
Zachary clutched his sleeve, and Sephiroth turned with a snarl. "Get off!"
"Whoa!" Zachary quickly released him. "I was just going to tell you something about Cloud, since you're friends, right?"
"I already know." Sephiroth moved to brush passed the two SOLDIERs.
"You do? Well, Kunsel and I are requesting immediate leave. We're going to Junon to find Spiky. So can we have it?"
"Have what?" A medical kit, he'd take a helicopter…
"Leave, so we can bring Cloud back."
"You will have to file your request with Lazard. I am not wasting time telling him."
"I thought you were Cloud's friend." Kunsel demanded. "And you can't even be bothered to help us out when he could be—"
"I do not have time, SOLDIER," Sephiroth snapped. "Because I am leaving for Junon myself, immediately."
"You are?" Zachary raised a brow, but quickly recovered from his surprise. "Well then, we can come with you! Are you getting a helicopter, because that would cut the time in half?"
Sephiroth hesitated a moment, but his common sense broke through his fear for Cloud. "You may come with me if you can be at the #13 helicopter pad in twenty minutes. I am not waiting."
"Got it." Zack was already dashing off, but Kunsel turned back to ask anxiously. "Should we file leave with Lazard, sir? That could take hours?"
"I will take care of it."
"Thank you sir."
Sephiroth had no intention of telling Lazard anything, but he would vouch for the two Seconds when Shinra finally discovered where her general had disappeared. By then though, Cloud would be safe and Sephiroth would deal with the bureaucratic mess.
It was fortunate Zachary and Kunsel had found him; they would never have been granted leave to search for a registered…dead cadet. If the initial search for failed cadets did not turn up the stragglers then that was that. Shinra wasn't about to waste two of its best SOLDIERs on a rescue mission for a cadet. When Shinra discovered their general had gone on such a rescue mission…well Cloud was worth it. Sephiroth was passed worrying about appearances, not when Cloud's life was in danger. Shinra could go fuck itself.
….
Kunsel stared blankly at the tent wall. His mind refused to grant him respite. Two weeks. They had been searching for Cloud for two weeks and hadn't found even a boot print to mark his….death. Kunsel hated the thought, but he could only deceive himself for so long. Cloud had not been seen for three weeks now. The probability of survival was almost nonexistent.
He squeezed his eyes shut. He was not going to cry, not yet, not here. Cloud had been so young. Too young. The possibility of Cloud not making it through the exams had not even occurred to him, but even the best warrior could be overwhelmed. Kunsel knew Cloud would have forgone the safety offered in numbers, but Cloud was so strong, so skilled, how had this happened?
Zack shifted behind him before sighing deeply in sleep. Zack still clung to a glimmer of hope that Cloud was still out there, somewhere, but the days were eating away at Zack's stubborn optimism. But even when they both accepted that Cloud was really gone they would still be out searching, for Sephiroth was beyond reason.
Kunsel knew Zack was as stunned by the general's behavior as he was. It hurt to lose a friend, Kunsel ached deep in his chest, but Sephiroth was as a man possessed. He barley slept; Zack had to practically force feed him. Sephiroth drove himself into exhaustion and beyond. It was alarming. Sephiroth was out looking for Cloud even now, in the middle of the night. Kunsel almost pitied the monsters that got in the man's way.
The one time Zack had tried reasoning with the man, Sephiroth became violent. Thankfully he'd taken his aggression out on the earth, leaving great rents in it. Kunsel shuddered to think what fate awaited the one who tried to convince Sephiroth that Cloud was not coming back.
Zack and Kunsel had speculated in private whether Cloud and Sephiroth had been more than friends. It seemed probable, and Kunsel was not blind to the immense grief lurking just beneath Sephiroth skin, being held back by will and denial alone. It was painful to watch the man destroy himself, and Kunsel shared Zack's feeling of utter helplessness. Neither of them knew Sephiroth well. Kunsel would have pitied him, but Sephiroth was above pity and would have thrown it back in his face.
Kunsel did not want to imagine what Sephiroth was feeling. He'd wondered what he would do if Zack was ever killed, and found the thought unbearable. He threw the thoughts aside, shivering in the wake of the overwhelming sorrow they awoke in him. He wrapped an arm about his belly, trying to escape the lingering pain. Zack was alive; he could hear his steady breathing behind him. Zack would never be his, but he was alive.
Zack shifted in his sleep, rolling over in the confined space. A warm chest pressed into Kunsel's back, and he could not help the spike of his pulse. Zack was so close. So close Kunsel could feel the beat of his heart pressed against him. Alive and warm. Zack sighed again, the humid breath kissing Kunsel's neck, causing a shiver to wrack his lighter frame. Zack, oh Gaia!
Zack murmured something in sleep before slinging an arm around Kunsel's waist. Kunsel's breath caught. He didn't know if he could bear this, yet the thought of pulling away was unimaginable. Zack was holding him, pressing his face into his neck. The scent, the feel of Zack engulfed Kunsel. He closed his eyes, savoring the moment, trying to imprint it upon his eternal memories. It was perfect, and it was agony. Kunsel was tortured by the thought of never feeling this bliss again. Zack would never hold him in consciousness, not like this. Kunsel gradually slipped into sleep, relishing this beautiful torment.
….
Tseng moved towards the two SOLDIERs. They watched him come, eyes flicking to the last member of their part. Lines of concern etched patterns around their mouths and eyes.
Tseng studied the rogue general. Bloodshot eyes met his before looking away in disinterest. Tseng was trained not to show shock, but even he found it hard to keep a cool façade at the sight before him.
Sephiroth looked like he hadn't slept in weeks. His hair was pulled back in a long silver horsetail. Ashen cheeks were sunken under protruding cheekbones. His leather clothing sported large patches of dried blood and ragged rents. The man was a wreck, and Tseng hadn't the slighted idea why.
Shinra had been in a state of uproar these last three weeks. Sephiroth, their general, had disappeared along with two other high-ranking SOLDIERs. Shinra's military was running about like a headless chicken. It would have been comic if the situation had not been so serious. It should really be no surprise that the three SOLDIERs could disappear so affectively. Shinra had had little success tracking down the two other missing Firsts, and they had been gone for months.
The wild empty lands about Junon did not lend themselves to quick discovery. It was mere luck the three had been found so quickly. A goat herder had stumbled upon the stolen helicopter, which was the first and only clue Shinra had had of the missing SOLDIERs' location. It had taken only a few more days to pinpoint their position.
Tseng surveyed the three warily, unsure of their intentions. It was possible they had deserted and would pose a hostel threat, but Tseng doubted it. They made no move to unsheathe weapons, only standing and awaiting his approach.
Cautiously Tseng stepped farther from the safety of the helicopter, subtly motioning Reno to remain inside and at the controls. Sephiroth looked unstable, but he found it hard to believe Zack would desert. From the little he knew of the Second Class, he had found him intensely loyal, and more than a little naïve. He just hoped that naivety had not snapped and been the cause of his disappearance.
Tseng's scanned the last SOLDIER, Kunsel, another Second. He did not know him personally, but all the SOLDIERs he'd questioned had only positive words for him. He hoped Kunsel's apparent easy going manner was still in-tacked.
"Zack," Tseng approached the Second first. Sephiroth held himself apart, staring intently into the underbrush, as if searching for something.
"Tseng," Zack nodded before his eyes slipped back to Sephiroth as if he thought the general was about to disappear any minute, and perhaps he was. "Did Lazard send you? Is our leave up? Sorry we didn't call but…Sephiroth um…thought it best we keep our phones turned off." Zack rubbed the back of his neck nervously. "It's better not to upset him."
"I see," Tseng looked back at the tense man. Probably a good idea. "Would you like to explain what you are doing our here?"
Zack looked confused, "We're looking for Spiky."
"Spiky?"
"Cadet Strife," Kunsel elaborated. "He was listed as...dead after the SOLDIER exams."
"You are looking for a dead cadet?"
"He. Is. Not. Dead." Sephiroth's voice cut like ice, but he did not turn to look at them.
"I see." Tseng did not see, but he kept the cool mask in place. "You are aware that you have been listed as deserters?"
"What?" Zack cried. "But Sephiroth—"
"Sephiroth did not inform Lazard of our request for leave?" Kunsel asked. The Second did not look entirely surprised at this revelation.
"They were on a mission with their general, Tseng," Sephiroth's eyes finally turned to meet Tseng's. They hit him like a punch, and Tseng forced himself to not blink from the stare. "You are wasting your time here. I am not going back, not until I find him."
"Sephiroth, you are the general of the Shinra army, you cannot actually be proposing to look for a dead cadet—"
Sephiroth moved quicker then eyes could follow and Tseng suddenly found himself lifted off his feet before being slammed into the earth. He lay staring up at puffy clouds, and trying to work out how to breathe.
"He is not dead!" Sephiroth ground out, a maniacal light enflaming his eyes.
"Yo!" Reno shoved the helicopter door open.
"Stay." Tseng snapped, slowly lifting himself up to his elbows. Reno hesitated, but one look from Tseng and the cabin door creaked reluctantly closed again.
"Sephiroth," Zack took a hesitant step forward, but Kunsel's hand immediately snagged in the SOLDIER's sweater, holding him back.
"Give him a moment." Kunsel advised, before turning to Tseng. "I believe we can all agree that Cloud Strife is still alive and in need of assistance."
Tseng held Kunsel's forceful gaze. Kunsel's eyes willed him to see how thin the thread of Sephiroth's control had become. Tseng nodded, Sephiroth's glare was still pounding into him.
"Sephiroth," Tseng understood the risk of pressing, but he still had a mission to complete. Sephiroth was the general, and Tseng had to bring him back. "You are still the general. You have responsibilities—"
"I do not care. I am not leaving until I find him."
"But Shinra—"
"What do I care about Shinra? You have no idea what they have done to me, Turk." Sephiroth snarled, and Tseng swallowed at the hate contorting Sephiroth's face. "They will not take Cloud from me as well!"
Tseng paused. He had heard rumors of what Hojo did to Sephiroth, whispers of ghastly tests conducted on the man. He was not naïve enough to hope them only rumors though, not when Hojo was involved. This mission was quickly running onto the sticky ground of conscious. He respected Sephiroth. It was unfortunate what had happen to the man's two friends, but still, Tseng had a mission to accomplish.
"They will not let you remain here." He tired to reason.
"What can they do? Send the army to haul me back?" Sephiroth mocked. "I am done being their willing dog. You can tell them I resign for all I care. Let them send the army, and we shall see how many return."
"Sephiroth," Zack gasped, "You wouldn't…"
Sephiroth looked very much like he would for a moment, but then his eyes focused upon the horrified SOLDIERs for what seemed the first time since Tseng had stepped off the helicopter. The burning rage flickered, but the immense pain behind did not abate.
"No, perhaps not." He murmured before looking away again. "But I cannot leave him out there."
"Sephiroth," Tseng took a hesitant step forward. "Listen to me. Defying Shinra will not help you find the cadet—"
"Cloud," Zack insisted.
"Brining the army here will not save Cloud. You need people searching, people who know how to find people. You needed the Turks." Sephiroth frowned, but Tseng knew he was listening. "Return to Midgar and the Turks will find Cloud." Or at least we will bring his remains back.
"No, I cannot leave—"
"Sephiroth," Zack broke in. "Come on, think about it. The Turks can find anybody, and if you keep going at this rate you'll be no help to Cloud when you find him. You need to rest—"
"I do not need rest." Sephiroth hissed.
"All right," Zack threw up his hands. "But do you think having the army swarming down on us is going to help Cloud?" Sephiroth pursed his lips, but he was listening, and they could only hope he saw reason.
"I will return to Midgar the moment we discover anything." Tseng continued. "We'll find him Sephiroth." And he hoped they would, if only for Sephiroth's sake. It might only be a body bag they brought back, but at least denial would no longer be possible and the man could move on.
Tseng had had no idea this entire mess was over the death of a cadet, an insignificant casualty that should have been quickly forgotten. But it seemed Cloud Strife was far more than the usual cadet. Not only had two SOLDIERs dropped everything to find him, but General Sephiroth was threatening to abandon Shinra for him!
Tseng was quickly forming his own theories on the possible relationship this hinted at. The hard, calloused side of him whispered that it was fortunate the boy was out of the way. It was unsafe for anyone to have this much influence over the head of the most powerful military force in the world. But the part of him that could never be quite Turk enough pitied Sephiroth. It seemed the man had lost his only two friends and his possible lover in a matter of months. No one deserved that.
"So, you want to slip the collar back around the dog's neck and bring me to heel." Sephiroth's face was blank, staring out into the brush again, but then he turned to meet Tseng's dark eyes. "Very well, I shall return. But if you do not find him, if you do not employ every measure of your skill..." He left the threat unvoiced. There was no need to utter that fate.
Tseng nodded solemnly. "I understand, and I shall do everything in my power to find him." Tseng forced himself not to break the piercing stare, and eventually Sephiroth looked away with a small nod of acceptance.
Sephiroth moved gracefully towards the waiting helicopter, no sign of the exhaustion his body and mind was no doubt suffering. Tseng turned to the silently watching SOLDIERs. "I think you should return with him."
"No way! I'm not leaving Spiky!" Zack protested.
It was Kunsel who said what Tseng was thinking, "Zack, he shouldn't be alone. You know him the best, he might listen to you." Kunsel placed a hand on Zack's shoulder. "I'll stay and find Cloud. I'll bring him home, even if…even if…"
"I know." Zack silenced him. "I don't want to accept it, but I know the likelihood of it being only a body you bring back. I'll go though. You're right, Sephiroth shouldn't be alone."
"Thank you Zack," Tseng offered the SOLDIER a nod before moving back to the helicopter. He would have to speak with Reno before letting the fiery Turk alone with the tightly wound SOLDIERs.
As the helicopter lifted off Tseng snapped open his PHS. It rang twice before Rufus' refined drawl filled his ear. Veld would never understand his choices today. The minute Sephiroth stepped off the helicopter in Midgar, Tseng would be called back, the search for the cadet abandoned. If Sephiroth couldn't control himself, Veld would inform the president and the president would order Hojo to handle his rebelling project. Tseng's only hope for a human reaction (or at least someone who could see the long game) was the vice president. Rufus didn't have a lot of power inside the corporation, but he had a few strings to pull, even to counter Veld and keep a small Turk force in Junon.
"Tseng."
"Rufus, I have a situation. Sephiroth and the SOLDIER Second Zachary Fair are on their way back to Midgar."
"Good work. Did you discover the reason behind their disappearance?"
"Yes, sir. It appears a cadet named Cloud Strife went missing during the SOLDIER exams a month ago, and all three of them came to Junon to find him."
A pause, "A cadet?"
"Yes sir."
"Has this cadet been listed as deceased?"
"Probably."
"What is the situation?" Tseng could hear the sharp mind analyzing the new information to discover how it could best be used to benefit Rufus.
"Sephiroth would not agree to return until I promised Turk assistance in finding Strife. I said I would search for him personally." It was not his place to assign himself missions, and Rufus could refuse the request, but Tseng gambled he would not. The vice president knew how to turn a situation to his own advantage too well.
"Sephiroth was attached to the cadet?" Rufus mused. "And the two other SOLDIERs. Zachary Fair is soon to become First?"
"Yes, sir."
"The two most powerful SOLDIERs have an interest in a dead cadet. Is there any possibility Strife might be alive?"
"It is highly unlikely."
"That is unfortunate. It would have been profitable to have them both indebted to us for the boy's life. Still, do what you can Tseng. Gratitude can be a powerful incentive."
"Yes, sir." The line hummed dead, and Tseng snapped the PHS shut.
His eyes drifted to the remaining SOLDIER. Kunsel sorted through the gear Tseng had taken from the helicopter. Tseng sent a quick message ordering Reno and Rude to join them in the search. They would question Cloud's fellow ex-SOLDIER cadets before reporting back to Tseng.
The Turks would have leverage with Sephiroth were they to bring his lover back alive, though that was highly unlikely, still a corpse could have its uses. This was one mission he was determined not to fail for his own reasons. He admitted he was shocked by Sephiroth's behavior and appearance, though he would never reveal it. He respected the man, and Zack was a good SOLDIER. Neither of them deserved this on top of the last few months. Tseng would bring them back a body if nothing else.
….
They came for him again. Dragging his weakly struggling body from the tube to strap him down on cold metal. He heard Her laughing in his head. What a fool he'd been. He thought he understood Jenova, believed he had grasped the measure of her power. He'd left his mind open to invasion, thinking himself safe without her cells, but her reach was deeper then cells. To have her cells corrupting the body paved a smooth path for her, but she was not limited by cells alone.
He had not perceived her essence before, and now he paid the price of ignorance. She was more than a monster. She was the Devourer. She, who had existed for millennium, reveled in her being. She lived to gorge herself upon worlds. Her hunger would never be quenched, it was everlasting.
She had seen him and marked him. Threat. Danger. She'd slipped into his mind, slaughtered his reason, used his own hate against him, and now he lay at the mercy of his tormenters while she laughed in his head. He had been a fool, and this was his punishment.
They strapped him down, cold metal biting into his hands and ankles, caging his chest. Their hands showed no mercy, but he did not beg. There was but one hope in his Mako-deadened brain. Every time they pulled him from the green tubes he knew he was growing both stronger and weaker.
His mind struggled to break through the stupor. He had to shake it off. If only he could think! A part of him was aware of the new strength building daily in his flesh. Mako. The power hummed through his muscles, pulsing in his veins. If he could but shake the numbness from his limbs and see through the Mako daze, he could tear off these fetters. And when he had chopped off every last hand, when he was free, it would be Her time.
He could still feel her presence, a rotting filth on the edge of his consciousness; she was not far. The fire materia still nestle in his pocket, ready for its master to cast the killing blow. Soon he would find a way to clear his brain and drive his body into action.
"…prepare the specimen." Hojo's voice slithered into his mind, and he felt the now familiar sticky patches pressed into his forehead.
No! Not this, anything but this!
"N…." His tongue worked uselessly, unable to finish a simple protest.
"Specimen is conscious today, professor."
"Noted. Prepare for a double dosage." Fingers peeled back his eyelids, and he was blinded by the brightness. "Triple the dosage, the specimen is still fighting it."
"N…." His body flapped helplessly in the restraints.
"You are proving a difficult specimen, boy. But I will not allow failure. I have spent too many years on this hypothesis. To separate the mind from the body, do you see the genius of it? No, of course not, but I shall tell you." The voice purred, gleefully anticipating the coming tortures. Cloud had heard all this before. He tried to shut the oily voice from his mind, but it chased him into the silence.
"When I have succeeded in casting your mind out, only the body's shell shall remain. I can insert any consciousness I choose into the body to create perfection. Why, I could even use it for my own mind!" Cloud could not summon horror at the prospect; he had heard this speech to many times. He no longer had the energy to care. "So many possibilities!"
"Not there you idiot!" The gloating speech was abruptly broken when Hojo began snarling at one of the assistances, before turning back to Cloud.
"No mistakes this time! The mind splits itself into multiple personalities when mistakes are made. It will then break entirely before being eradicated from the body. It must be accomplished in a perfect split. Commence Test 34."
Cloud screamed. Bones snapped in his mind. The pain surged through his skull, his back arched, and his body shook like a doll caught in a giant's paw. He threw up old walls, forged in agony, but this pain torn through them as if they were no more than wispy cobwebs.
He ran, hiding in the dark recesses of his mind, but the pain found him. It scooped him out and crushed his fracturing mind. Its iron claws sunk into his very being, shredding him, pounding him into dust. His spirit voiced its agony in screams until his throat broke and even this release was taken from him. It was as if the claws had ripped into his chest, cracking through his ribs one by one, wrenching them out until his inner being was bared. His beating soul lay exposed and the claws sunk into it, deep into the secret places of his mind. They broke him, the iron pinchers tearing chunks out of him, battering him until there was nothing left but the pain.
An old wound was cleaved in two; the careful stitching ripped from the melded halves of Cloud's mind. The claws had delved too deeply, and his mind had broken under the assault. It was too much. Too much. And then the pain was halved, and Cloud's shrieking lunges gulped in air. It still hurt, Gaia it hurt! But the two souls shared the pain now.
Cloud's mind nestled into the familiar embrace of his other half. Strong arms held him as the storm raged about them, but they would endure. It was not more then they could bear.
"We won't let him destroy us. Not this time." The other swore, running gentle fingers through Cloud's shuddering spirit. Cloud pressed his face into the hard chest, inhaling the familiar scent. They would not let Hojo win. Zack was with him now. His savoir, his brother, his other half, they would survive.