~ Chapter Twelve ~
Drake seemed perfectly at ease with the entirety of the situation. Which, I guess, would be the expected reaction. It's exactly how I should have felt. That, and the feeling of complete and total enveloping gratitude. I won't be alone forever, and it's because of Drake that I will have a semi-normal life.
I may not change form when the moon comes, but I know now that it was never impossible for me to have a mate. I was given the gift of someone to share this existence with. I had finally realized that I would no longer be subjected to the normalcy that I called my half-existence, because I always knew I was missing something. Drake filled that void.
I should be completely and utterly at ease, I should have what seemed a permanent smile etched into my delicate features. But, part of me was scared.
Not of the implications our relationship would entail. No, that wasn't it at all. Because I knew from knowledge and observance just how permanent the bond between a male and his decided mate is.
I wasn't scared, because I knew Drake had made his choice. He couldn't back out now, at least... that's what the legends say.
I was scared, childishly so, of how people would react. I was worried about how people would perceive our relationship. Would others think that Drake chose me out of pity, because the possibility of shifting for me was null and void? I wanted to be taken seriously. I wanted to be... I just wanted to be happy.
Drake was elated, and rightfully so. We had left the surreal environment of the music room just moments before, opting to head out to the woods for a quiet walk. He held my hand in his own, his strong fingers wrapping securely around my tiny palm in a gesture of protective possessiveness. I loved that he admitted to feeling possessive of me, because frankly, it wasn't a one-way street.
Ever since I had known him, the girls at school, both static and shifter, always considered Drake to be 'hot', not my choice of adjective. He, like most males of our kind, never dated. Maybe casually here and there, but save for formal and prom dates, most shifter guys were single.
I had always been his friend, but I had been equally jealous when other girls spoke of him. It felt wrong, it made me feel sad. Because, I never considered myself to be exactly 'beautiful'. I knew I was decent looking on a good day. But, I always believed that the one-thing shifter guys were attracted to, was the magic, the destiny, and the fantasy of sharing their impossibility with another. Because I kept this doctrine close to my heart, it was easy to conclude that I would never have a mate. At least, not a shifter.
My mother, although she had her suspicions, never knew exactly how I felt on the subject. She was always encouraging me to branch out to the statics, to make friends, maybe to date a little. But I knew I could never give my whole self to a static, even in friendship, because I would never be able to be completely and totally honest with them. I would have to keep nearly my whole life from them, and that didn't seem fair.
I didn't go to formals or homecoming. I was asked to prom by one of the popular static boys, but feared it was simply in jest and opted to spend the night in my living room watching horror movies while my sister enjoyed the high school milestone.
Of course, I realized now that what made those nights bearable was the company I kept. The company I found in Drake. He had showed up at my door on prom night, wondering if I wanted some company. I was under the impression that he was going with one of the static girls who had proclaimed to the entirety of my homeroom earlier in the week about asking him. But, he just shrugged off my questioning gaze, moving beyond me to sit on the side of the couch opposite of me.
I squeezed his hand that held mine. We hadn't passed very many people on our hike, only the focused eyes of the guardians on guard duty and a few indifferent faces in the halls. However, I felt as if a giant neon sign was blinking above my head declaring for the world my insecurities, and my worries.
Drake mirrored my gesture, applying the gentlest pressure around my fingers.
"Relax, Lo." He whispered into my ear, the low decibel unnecessary, as we seemed completely alone, save for the company of the trees and the sounds of the wilderness.
I shrugged my shoulders, tugging my palm away from his. He gave me a confused, almost hurt glance, but smiled when I moved to wrap my arm around the length of his arm.
We continued to walk, having no destination in mind it seemed. I wasn't worried about getting lost, even if we were mindlessly wandering, I knew the general area. It seemed there wasn't an inch of these woods either Drake or I hadn't discovered or trekked.
"I know that you are overwhelmed, Logan. I can see that. But, I just want you to know how happy you've made me." He spoke, the conviction in his voice heart warming.
"I'm happy too." I supplied hoping, that even through my insecurities, I was able to procure a genuine smile.
He moved his arm from my grasp, quickly replacing it along the length of my back. Instinctively it seemed, I laid my head against his strong shoulder.
We reached a small creek a few moments later; I dislodged myself from Drake's grasp, setting myself down on a large boulder beside the banks.
He moved to sit beside me.
"I'm sorry if I'm being distant. It's just… a lot to process." I breathed an awkward laugh, kicking off my shoes as I traced patterns in the cool mud of the shore.
He nodded his head beside me. "It's okay." He insisted, copying my gesture and removing his own shoes, he leaned back against the sun-heated surface of the boulder, the muscles in his arms rippling in an enticing fashion.
"I don't mean to be," I continued, not really knowing where I was going with this line of thought, but knowing I needed to explain some things to him. He deserved me to be honest with him. "I just… I've always considered the possibility of having a mate, for me at least, to be non-existent. And then you come in, and with a tattoo and a promise I'm suddenly finding that the things I had held to be true, are in fact false." I sighed, twisting my fingers nervously through my blond locks, pulling and tugging on the strands.
"Don't get me wrong, I'm happy… floored… because I, well I've always thought of you in a 'more than friends' sort of light." He smirked at my admission, reaching an errant finger toward my darkening cheeks.
"You don't have to be embarrassed to admit that you had a crush on me." He teased, his light eyes dancing with mirth.
"Whatever, it was a big deal for me to like you when I thought I would never have a chance to act on those feelings." I pointed out sullenly, my mind drifting to just this morning when I was berating myself for even thinking about having a future with him.
"I get that. But, Logan, you were insane to think that you were meant to be forever alone. That's just dumb." He spoke, his voice seeming to scold me almost.
"You're far too biased for that statement to hold very much clout." I pointed out, earning only an eye roll for my words.
"Whatever," He stated, mimicking my earlier tone. "You're not going to be alone." He offered, smiling at the happy glow of my burning cheeks. "Yea, I guess I'm stuck with you." I spoke, my words, of course, made in jest. He just rolled his eyes once more, kicking some icy water to cover the tops of my feet. I squealed in surprise, curling my legs away from the water.
"Hey!" I whined, sticking my tongue out at him. It was moments like these that I appreciated our strong friendship. I think our already formed loyalties to one another would only serve to prove a healthy and positive factor in our newly discovered romantic relationship.
We laughed quietly together for a few moments, our happy sounds seeming to die off together. He angled his body closer to mine, nudging my cheek with his nose until I turned my eyes to meet his.
He surprised me with the soft touch of his lips, an act that eventually turned into a corny bout of Eskimo kisses.
"Loser." I murmured at his cheesy display of affection. He growled at my teasing, opening his eyes to give me a playful glare.
Like lightening, his fingers were at the exposed skin of my hip, tickling relentlessly. "Stop!" I shrieked, swatting at his fingers. "Drake!" I chastised, reaching blindly with my other hand for his face. I found his cheek, pulling it to mine until his lips covered my own. His other hand stopped almost immediately, moving to frame my waist.
"That wasn't a fair distraction." He smirked between kisses. I shrugged, not feeling the least bit bad about my action of choice.
"Don't tickle me." I warned, pulling away from him to give him my warning glare. He just shook his head. "No way, the way your cheeks turn tomato red is too tempting a picture to resist."
I smacked him soundly against his shoulder, the hard smack of palm against cotton probably hurting me worse than him. "Ow." He spoke, his sarcastic tone showing me that it didn't hurt in the least.
"I hate you." I replied simply. He scoffed, moving a hand to cover his heart. "You cut me deep, Lo."
"Whatever." I responded.
"Yea, whatever." He mimicked right back.
The atmosphere around us seemed to go from playful one moment to serious the next. It was so surreal how our relationship had changed in the matter of hours. I loved Drake. And it was no longer just from afar, and although I knew my feelings to be unmistakable and concrete, I didn't feel ready to proclaim such a sentiment to him, not yet at least.
"Can I..." I paused, feeling the blush creep back up to my cheeks. Drake raised an amused brow at me. "Can I?" I tugged at the bottom of his shirt, pressing my palm along the back of his left shoulder. He seemed to understand what I was asking, and immediately pulled the dark cotton away from his torso.
He turned; angling his back to face me as I stared at the swirled, black design. It was hard to believe that the random designs meant anything, let alone my own name. I traced the pattern with the gentlest of touches; worrying if I pressed too hard that the ink would rub off and all proof of his devotion to me would be lost.
He turned his wondersome eyes to meet mine over the top of his shoulder. I had never felt so close to him. This design, this tattoo symbolized the 'clarity' he had felt upon laying eyes on me for the first time. It felt sacred, I felt possessive of it in a weird way.
He lifted his left arm to rest against the back of my exploring fingers. "Logan?" He spoke, my name coming out as a question. I felt like I was in such a haze, but I snapped my eyes to meet his cerulean gaze.
"Sorry, it's just... surreal." I admitted, smiling, as his eyes seemed to brighten. He was happy, and I had a role in making him that way.
"You always make me happy." He offered as if I had spoken my thoughts aloud. The mind reading I would have to get used to. "If you concentrate enough, you'll be able to hear what I'm thinking as well.
I wouldn't even know where to begin with that one. But I closed my eyes to humor him, concentrating on the soothing sound of his voice, I pressed my fingers back to the inked skin of his shoulder, resting my forehead against his, as if the physical closeness of our minds would help me to decipher his thoughts.
The whole idea felt kind of silly, but when he pressed lips against mine, the feeling of complete serenity sparked a buzz of thought to occur in my head. Thought that wasn't my own.
I gasped, pulling away quickly, attempting to process the images and the words that I was seeing. It was like looking in a mirror, the girl in these mind-pictures was definitely me, but a more beautiful version of me. An unrealistic version of me. It was such a strange feeling, seeing myself in pictures. Logan with sad eyes, Logan smiling, Logan blushing. Each picture seemed to have a glow about them, and I wondered if the overwhelming emotion that seemed to emanate from each image was the powerful connection Drake had felt toward me for so long. If it was, kudos to him for holding himself back all these years.
"Wow." I breathed, completely fascinated with my newfound ability. It was about as supernatural as I had ever come to be in my seventeen years.
"This is so weird." I commented, opening my eyes and putting some distance between our faces to experiment if the pictures would dull or fade, but they remained in tact.
"Is there a specific amount of distance where this whole thing just stops working?" Drake laughed. "Not that I know of."
"That's convenient." I mused, immediately thinking to this fall when we would be separated for school. My heart gave a painful tug and Drake seemed to visibly cringe. "Let's not think about that right now, Lo. It's only July." He pointed out. And his words shocked me. Not that they should, I should be grateful to not have to think about our inevitable separation, I was too busy being concerned about his last statement.
"It's... July?" I choked, not realizing how close it was to the moon, which was supposed to occur on the sixth.
"What day is it?" I nearly screeched, completely caught off guard. "The first." He answered, his tone solemn. "Logan, calm down. It's still nearly a week away. We have plenty of time to do whatever you need to prepare." He reminded, reaching his strong arms to wrap around my tense body. I nodded, even though the gesture wasn't genuine in the least. I wasn't actually all right, and he knew that. I didn't know why I was so jittery all of a sudden, I mean, it wasn't as if anything was going to happen that night. The sun would set, the moon would rise, and in the morning I would remain as human as I was the day prior.
"It just took me off guard." I offered, not exactly understanding what else it could be. He dropped a soothing kiss to my hair.
"It's alright." He whispered, his words soothing. He stood, pulling me up to rest against his chest. He pushed me away only for a moment so as to replace his shirt and then he wrapped his arm back around my waist, leading us away from the private creek.
"Do you want to talk about it?" He questioned hesitantly, my immediate reaction should have been to shake my head but I just shrugged. "There really isn't much to discuss." I pointed out, hoping he would get that it was just going to be like every other night.
"I don't think you should treat it so lightly. I mean, it's still your moon." He whispered.
"No, it's not my moon. It's just a moon." I said, not wanting to think about it anymore. But Drake was determined to push the subject. "Logan, this isn't going to be like prom, okay? You can't just shack yourself up in your house until it's over." His words hurt me, and I flashed him an angry glare. "I wasn't hiding!" I insisted, pulling away from him.
Drake sighed; running his hand through is hair in an annoyed fashion. "I didn't mean it like that, Logan." He said, but I didn't believe him. "Yes, you did. But it doesn't even matter, Drake, because no matter where I am, nothing is going to happen."
He shook his head, not wanting to hear it. "Maybe, but you don't know that for sur-" I stopped, abruptly turning to face him.
"Look, I get that you don't approve of how I'm dealing with this, but don't tell me that I might shift. It's not going to happen, and I don't need you getting my hopes up." I could feel the angry tears prickling at the backs of my eyes. I didn't want to be mad at him, but I needed him to know that talking about this night with me was just never going to go how he wanted it.
"Logan." He sighed, reaching for me. I shrugged him off, taking a step back to put more distance between us. "No. You say you can read my mind, then look. Really look. No matter how much I want it to be untrue, the fact that I am static is inevitable. And in six days when the sun sets and the moon rises I am going to remain unchanged. I'm not a shifter Drake, and I don't want to go wander off into the wilderness to one of the lairs and pretend that I have any place to be there." I was crying now, so angry with myself for seeming weak, so angry with him for calling me out. It wasn't fair.
He reached for me again, ignoring my protests and wrapping his arms around my middle, he pulled me to his chest.
"Logan, I'm sorry. Okay? I'm sorry." I sobbed into his chest, burying my face away from sight, hoping that my little nook of darkness would swallow me whole.
"I don't mean to be insensitive, I know how much this hurts, but you have to consider that your transformation moon is also mine. I am supposed to be there for you, to help you, to guide you. You're going to be in pain, and although it may not be the kind you yearn for, I want to be the one to help you get through that." His words made sense. I knew I was being selfish by wanting to keep this a solitary event; he deserved to be there. If my circumstances were different, his presence would be unavoidable.
"We don't have to discuss it any further today if you don't want." I just shook my head; feeling relieved when he dropped the subject and quietly led us back to the village.
0~0~0~0~0
"When we reached the gates I parted from him with a quick 'goodbye' and an excuse about needing time to myself. In truth I just needed someone to talk to, someone to talk to that knew me and wouldn't judge, someone that would offer advice.
I walked with a purpose toward the basement stairs, finding my way easily to the infirmary. Lily was awake when I knocked on the door, Austin sitting just beside her. They both looked up, shocked.
Lily quirked a brow at my frazzled form. "Sit." She insisted skeptically, ushering Austin out of the room with requests of coffee and a doughnut. Something he wouldn't be able to find without venturing off the cafeteria.
"Be back soon." He offered, kissing her forehead gently before leaving the two of us to our own devices.
"You look like shit." Lily pointed out rather bluntly; her questioning eyes seeming to search my face for something.
"What's up?" She wondered.
"You were right." I whispered, not exactly knowing how to start out this conversation.
"Right? About what...?" She questioned, giving me a strange look. "Oh my god... about Drake?" She gasped.
"Don't say 'I told you so.'" I warned, dropping my face to my palms.
"I don't get what the problem is?" She pointed out, angling her torso more towards me, as her leg was still in pain.
"The problem is, that I am so confused and overwhelmed with the whole thing. I didn't ever expect to have a mate, let alone Drake." I sighed, listening as she breathed a quiet giggle.
"You're totally enthralled with him arn't you?" She wondered, lifting a fragile hand to pat at my hair. "You need a shower." She pointed out, giving me another small giggle.
"So not the point." I whined, feeling even more frustrated that I didn't know how to put any of what I was feeling into words.
"Where is he now?" She wondered, poking at me until I freed my hidden face from behind my palms.
"I told him I wanted to be alone." I admitted, sighing as I gave her a glassy look. "He wants to go with me on the sixth." Her eyes widened briefly, her voice softening immensely.
"Oh." She paused. "I'm sorry, Logan. I know... I know we have talked about this but I am really sorry about you... you know." She was referring to my inability to shift. I just shrugged, completely over it by now.
"It's not a big deal, I'm just so confused about how to handle myself that night. I always planned on being alone. Drake... he wants to be there with me." She nodded, giving me a soft smile.
"Yea, I can understand that. But, you also have to realize that Drake has probably been planning to share that night with you all this time, and that you wanting to be alone is equally as confusing to him." She pointed out. And her words made me feel like such shit, because that was obviously the case.
"What am I supposed to do? I don't know what to tell him, I don't know how to say I'm sorry." She just shrugged, leaning forward so as to get closer to me. She whispered close to my ear.
"I don't know him like you do, but I will warn you right now that he knows you lied about wanting to be alone. Remember that mind reading is a two way street, he's probably worried sick about you right now, you need to go to him."
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A/n: Hey people! Happy Friday! Hope you enjoyed the chapter, thanks to all my fabulous readers and especially to those who review, you all make my day, seriously! :D
P.s. If you're a Twilight fan, go check out my story 'Circumstance' It was nominated for an Indie award last year, and is updated twice a week on Thursdays and Sundays.
~Lauren :)