Chapter 13 – Unsettled

"Oh my god, what are you guys doing here?" I asked as my dad and brother took turns hugging me. Thankfully, they didn't catch us kissing; Edward must have pushed me away when he heard them unlocking the door.

"We wanted to be home for Christmas," Charlie explained.

"Yeah, but…what about your health?" I asked Em, still feeling a little flushed from our close call.

"I'm as healthy as a horse…albeit a cancerous horse with only a year left to live, but still," Em said with a laugh.

After Em hugged me, he went over to Edward and gave him one of those dude half hug handshake things, but Edward looked extremely uncomfortable, I only hoped Charlie and Emmett didn't notice.

"So, time for gifts," Charlie announced.

"Oh, I uh, didn't know you guys were going to be home so I didn't buy you anything," I told them sheepishly.

"Don't worry about it, little sister, being home is gift enough for us," Emmett told me.

"Exactly," Charlie agreed.

"What's mom doing today?" I asked absently as they all sat down to rest from the trip.

"She's probably going to some holiday get together at one of her friend's houses," Emmett said, sounding bitter about it. "You know, I really can't believe she refused to come with us. We could have been all together; who knows, this could have been our last chance."

"This is not your last Christmas, Em," Charlie said sternly. "And that's just what happens when people get divorced. They spend the holidays apart."

"Yeah, I guess. I still don't like it though," Em pouted like a little kid.

"Hey, we came home to have a good holiday, let's not let your mother's absence spoil it," Charlie grumbled. "Here kiddo, open this one first," he said while handing me a wrapped gift.

"Um…thanks."

Charlie had gotten me a camera, a new book, and a pair of sunglasses. Em, on the other hand, got me a snow globe and a can of pepper spray.

"Wow, uh…thanks," I said to him.

"I haven't been out of the center much so I bought the snow globe from the gift shop…and I had dad pick up the pepper spray for me. You can never be too careful."

"Yeah, this should come in handy with all the wild animals I encounter every day," I said sarcastically.

"Most guys will back down from you after just seeing that little can," Em told me, dismissing my discomfort. "Trust me, I know from experience."

"Um…ok, I'll keep that in mind."

"So how has all that been going anyway?" Em asked. "I feel like I haven't talked to you in a long time."

"We talked on the phone three days ago," I rebutted.

"Yeah, but you know what I mean…. Do you have a boyfriend?"

"Ah come on," Charlie cut in. "Do we really need to talk about this right now?"

"We're only here for three days dad; I'm going to use every chance I get."

"So you're not home for good?" I asked. "I thought you were talking about moving back?"

"I'm on a new round of medication, but when that's over I'd like to come home permanently. There's a new cancer center in Seattle, so I'll be going back and forth between there and the cancer wing at the hospital in Port Angeles."

"Well, how long until that happens?" I asked.

"My medication will be finished in six weeks, and then I'll be back home."

"Oh, cool," I said with a rush of mixed emotions. I was thrilled that my dad and brother would be coming home, but there was a small selfish pang of regret as well. Suddenly I had a strange feeling like the two of them were just visitors in my and Edward's home, and like with any visitors, you love having them, but you kind of want them to leave just so you can get back to your privacy and normal routine. But of course I felt guilty for feeling that way, so I quickly tried to bury those thoughts.

After about an hour of catching up, I went to the kitchen to start preparing dinner, so the guys all dissipated. Charlie went to his room to do some organizations and laundry exchange, and Edward and Emmett braved the cold to check out my truck. Edward had been excited to show Emmett his work on both his and my trucks, but as I watched them from the kitchen window I noticed that he definitely seemed far less enthusiastic than I would have expected. Maybe it was just so cold outside that he'd rather be back in - I knew that was a long shot, but it was the easiest explanation.

When dinner was ready, Emmett continued to talk incessantly, and as good as it was to be around him, I couldn't help but worry about how quiet Edward was. He only spoke when asked a direct question, and every time he'd smile or laugh about something, it was definitely forced. My mind automatically drifted to the distant way he had acted over the past month and I prayed he didn't revert back to that, but his current behavior was actually quite different. He wasn't distant. He was there with us, paying attention and trying to act normal, but it was like he was almost shy, as if he was new to the family and didn't know where his place was.

"Ok, I've been meaning to ask this all day," Charlie said as we had our dessert in the living room. "What the hell is that?" he asked while pointing to our flamingo tree.

Emmett laughed. "Ah shit, you brought that thing here?" he asked Edward. "I thought you got rid of that it years ago."

Edward scrunched up his face. "Man, I put it out every year. It's not my fault you can't understand the joys of a trailer trash Christmas," he joked.

"You're not in the trailer anymore," Emmett told him. "It's time to adopt more normal traditions."

Edward shook his head. "You can take the trash out of the trailer, but you can't take the trailer out of the trash…or some shit like that."

I wasn't exactly sure what Edward meant by that, but I knew it wasn't good. "One man's trash is another man's treasure," I said without thinking. My brain to mouth filter really needed to be cleaned out.

Emmett, Charlie, and Edward just looked at me for an awkward moment, but thankfully they all dismissed my comment.

"Hey, what's up with you?" Em asked Edward unexpectedly.

"What? Nothing," Edward said quickly.

"You're acting…weird."

"No, I'm just…tired. It's been a long day."

Charlie took a deep breath. "I second that thought. I'm off to bed."

"Goodnight, dad," I said with a smile.

"Yeah, jetlag's a bitch…well, that and the fact that I'm dying," Emmett joked. "I think I'm going to turn in too."

"Goodnight, Em… It's good to have you home," I told him as he headed towards the stairs.

"Night, little sis," he said with a smile. "Night bro," he added to Edward.

"Goodnight," Edward replied.

When Emmett and my father were up the stairs and I heard both their bedroom doors shut, I walked over to Edward and practically sat in his lap while clinging to him. I had wanted to hold him all day, but that was really our first moment alone since that morning.

I almost expected him to push me away because my dad and brother were in the house, but he didn't. Instead he held me tightly, and I could have sworn he even smelled my hair. I wanted nothing more than to kiss him again, but for whatever reason, I just…didn't.

"Emmett's home," I mumbled into his shoulder as I clung to him. "Where are you going to sleep?" I asked, realizing that he usually slept in Em's room.

He rubbed my back slowly. "I'm just going to crash on the couch like I used to."

"That…sucks," I told him.

"Nah, Em told me he'd sleep on the couch but I insisted he use his bed. He's sick; he should sleep as well as possible. I've already changed the sheets and stuff."

"Oh…Well, you could sleep in my room with me," I offered feebly, knowing all too well that he'd never take me up on the offer.

He laughed once through his nose. "I don't think your dad or brother would appreciate that too much."

"You could come back out here before morning," I suggested.

He sighed and then gently nudged me off of him. "I heard Charlie mentioning something about getting up early to take you shopping in the city tomorrow, so you should probably get to bed too."

I pouted. "Shopping? With Charlie? Why?"

"He wants to buy you some school clothes, or something. Don't complain about it, I think he just wants to spend some time with you. He misses you."

"Oh…So, you and Em going to spend the day together then?" I assumed.

"Yeah, I think that's the plan."

"Ok, well, have fun." I squeezed Edward one more time before grabbing my stuffed lamb out from where it was hiding under the couch, and then going up to bed. I held that lamb all night as if couldn't sleep without it, and a part of me wondered if I even could. It wasn't really the lamb itself, it was what it represented, it was Edward; his smell was in every fiber, and it instantly became a necessity for my sleep.

….

Shopping with Charlie was agonizing. Aside from being uncomfortable walking through women's clothing stores with my father, the man just didn't have much to say. He and I were similar in that aspect, just as Emmett was more like Renee and was always talking. But two awkward people just made for double the awkwardness between them, and every minute together felt like an hour.

When we finally got home, I was surprised that Edward and Emmett were still out. I had no idea what they were doing all day, but with Emmett sick I figured they'd be home resting by then. Charlie and I ate dinner alone, but I was the only one worried.

"Did Em mention what they were doing today?" I asked Charlie.

"I think they were getting together with some of their old friends and just hanging out," Charlie said unconcerned. "Quite frankly, I don't want to know what they're doing."

"What does that mean?" I asked confused.

"Well," Charlie huffed and seemed to get uncomfortable. "I imagine it would be hard to be a nineteen year old guy who thinks they're dying."

"So…?" I asked, still not understanding.

"Wow, this is not the type of conversation I want to be having with my sixteen year old daughter," he said quickly.

"Dad, I really just want to understand," I told him, annoyed that there wasn't something going on with Emmett's health and they were keeping it from me again.

Charlie nodded to himself, and then took a deep breath. "Ok. When young people…or not young people, any people really…well not any people, people of a certain age." He took another deep breath. "When adults begin to feel a certain way, their bodies react and they often look to find companions to…express that physical or emotional feeling…"

"Wait, hold on," I said incredulously. "Are you seriously tying to have "the talk" with me?"

"I realize that I haven't been the best parent to you in the past couple of years, and now you might be going out into the world without any knowledge of what to expect."

"Um…dad, I'm sixteen. Even if mom didn't have the sex talk with me years ago, they teach all that stuff in school. Where is all this coming from right now anyway?"

"Well….Emmett mentioned something…"

"Emmett? What could he possibly have to say on the subject?" I asked baffled.

"Well I guess he was talking to Edward on the phone a few weeks ago, and he asked him if you had any boys coming around. Edward basically told him that he was worried that you didn't know what you were doing and you'd end up regretting your decisions."

"What?" I asked, completely shocked. I suppose that explained the pepper spray gift.

"He mentioned something about a couple parties you went to," Charlie added.

I wasn't sure whether I should be upset about Edward's tattling, or grateful. I figured he had mentioned it to Emmett during one of the nights he was freaking out because I had gone out with Rose, but in the long run I suppose it was a good thing. It would be suspicious if I just ended up pregnant without ever showing any signs of rebellion. If anyone was to believe I got pregnant at some binger party, then I actually had to attend a couple - People had seen me at that party, Edward had freaked out and talked to my brother about it, it was actually the perfect alibi for him.

My uncomfortable conversation with Charlie just re-sparked my plan to get pregnant again, so my mind was racing with the fact that I really only had one more chance. In a month and a half my brother and father would move back home, and after that it would be next to impossible to get Edward alone. My mind was going a mile a minute, but then I realized something.

"So…what were you trying to say before when I asked you where Emmett and Edward were?" I asked, wondering how the hell we got on the topic of my need for a sex talk.

"Well," he got uncomfortable once more. "I'm not sure…but I assume they went out to find some girls while Emmett is still healthy enough to…you know…"

"Oh," I said as understanding hit me. "Can he even do that?"

"He's still a man, Bella," Charlie said with a light laugh.

"Yeah, but…I thought I read somewhere that various cancer medications can cause him to…not be able to…you know," I said uncomfortably.

"It can make him sterile, not impotent," he said bluntly.

"Oh…so…he won't ever be able to have kids?" I asked.

"Let's just worry about getting him to survive," Charlie said determinedly.

I nodded in agreement. Charlie and I both decided to turn in early that night, but the more I thought about our conversation, the more worried I got. I guess I understood why Emmett would want to go out and get laid somewhere, but was Edward doing it as well?

He wasn't my boyfriend…he never promised to be faithful to me…but I was heartbroken by the thought of Edward being out with someone else. What was I supposed to do? Call or text him to see what he was doing? Ask him point blank if he was out with a girl? Tell him how that made me feel? The last thing I wanted to do was freak him out by being some clingy possessive idiot. I didn't have a right to be jealous, but I didn't know how to turn off those feelings either.

My lamb slept on the floor that night.

At four AM the front door finally creaked open, and I heard Em and Edward's low voices carry through the house. They had stayed out most of the night. I tried to control my emotions, but the tightening in my chest was actually physically painful.

"Calm down Bella, you're being an idiot," I told myself quietly. I really had no idea where or what he had been doing all night, and as I kept telling myself, I didn't have any rights to him anyway. Sure we kissed, which didn't seem to have anything to do with our plan to conceive a donor, but still. It could have very well just been a fleeting moment to him, and I was putting far too much value in it because I was young and naïve. That's what my rational mind was telling me. Edward didn't want me, how could he. Regardless of what I told myself though, it still hurt like hell.

But the pain only got worse…

In the morning I forced myself to put on a brave face and not show how upset I was about Edward alleged one night stand, and I made breakfast. My dad and brother were leaving for the airport in a few hours so I wanted them to have a good meal before they left. Charlie woke up first, and because Em and Edward were out all night they both needed to be woken up when the food was ready.

We all sat at the table to eat, but no one really spoke at first. Em looked exhausted, Charlie looked distracted, and Edward kept his features blank.

"Are we really leaving in a few hours?" Emmett asked groggily.

"Yep," Charlie replied, and then got up to get Em some coffee. "So drink up and snap out of it."

Em shook his head roughly to try to wake himself up, and then he turned to me. "Sorry we didn't spend more time together. When I come back we'll have to set some time aside to really hang out."

"Yeah, that would be great," I said with a forced smile.

Then he turned to Edward. "So, I never asked you, what is your plan for the future?" he asked him. "I mean, I'm sure you don't want to waste your time in Forks working in a garage any longer than you have to. I appreciate you babysitting my kid sister and all, but we'll be back home soon so you can finally do whatever you want."

Edward shifted his weight in his chair. "Uh…I'm not sure…Maybe I'll go to Chicago."

My stomach twisted. It didn't matter that I was hurt or that I already knew he always planned on leaving town eventually, hearing him make a realistic plan to go was almost unbearable to listen to. I excused myself from the table and tried to concentrate on the dishes.

"Dude, you don't want to go to Chicago," Emmett said to him dismissively. "You don't even know if your mom is there anyway. Just because she sent you a post card from there once, doesn't mean shit. Go to Vegas, make a bunch of money, and then travel to Europe like you always wanted to."

I tried to ignore them, but the talk of his mom and Europe captured my attention. I realized then that there was still a lot I didn't know about Edward, and regardless of everything else, I ached to know as much as I could.

"What's in Europe?" I asked hesitantly.

Edward shrugged and didn't seem like he wanted to answer that question, but Emmett jumped in and answered for him. "What's not in Europe? Europe is like the coolest place in the world, and Edward is going to actually get to go and have a real experience in life. Do you still talk to Heidi?" Em asked him.

"Who's Heidi?" I asked.

"She was this super-hot Italian foreign exchange student during our junior year," Em explained. "Man, she was so in love with Edward that she practically begged him to follow her home and get married because the legal age there was sixteen. Her dad owned some cheese factory, or some shit like that; he was loaded and would have been perfectly fine supporting them for the rest of their lives, that's how much that chick loved Edward."

I felt sick. I could eventually get over him sleeping with some random girl, because again, I had no right to be upset, but hearing that he could potentially run away and get married was devastating. What happened to him being a drifter? - Though, I doubt that was much better; he'd probably end up married either way.

"Wow…what's the catch?" Charlie asked, pulling my attention back to the agonizing conversation.

"There was no catch," Em said quickly. "Edward is one lucky son of a bitch to get that chick to fall in love with him."

"So, why didn't you go?" Charlie asked him curiously.

"I wanted to finish school," Edward replied quietly. "No one in my family has ever graduated high school, so…" he let his sentence trail off.

"Have you talked to her lately?" Em asked. "I bet she's still carrying a torch for you. You could probably still go…you know, and escape this town and your stupid family. Hell, if I didn't get sick senior year, you'd probably be there right now - Married with like a kid or something, and helping her old man run the family business. It could be really good for you."

"Nah, she's probably found someone better than me by now," Edward said evenly while looking down at his hands fidgeting in his lap. "We never made any promises to stay together or anything, so…" he let his sentence trail off again.

"Dude, don't sell yourself short. What the hell is going on with you, anyway?" Em asked him unexpectedly. "You were all broody the party last night, and now you seem like you don't even want to talk about Europe."

"I wasn't being broody," Edward argued. "But I don't feel like going out just so you can shove every girl we come across in my face either. I thought we were going out for you."

"We did go out for me, but the fact that you had zero interest is just concerning."

"Concerning for who?" Edward rebutted. "I don't feel like screwing around with some skank so now I need therapy?"

"No, it's just not…normal. You've been sounding off for a few weeks now, and I don't want to have to worry about you on top of everything else."

"Then don't worry about me," Edward told him. "I'm fine. You're going to be fine. Everything is going to be fine."

Emmett sighed. "I just hate feeling so…out of touch."

"I know. But you'll be back soon, and before you know it you'll be getting better."

"Don't count on it," Emmett said somberly. "I just don't want to die knowing everyone is so…unsettled."

"You're not going to die," Edward told him again, while reaching out and squeezing his shoulder.

It was strange that their conversation made me feel better and worse at the same time. Edward had been brooding and unwilling to screw around while at the party they attended, so that was definitely a relief, but it also just made me feel like a raging lunatic for ever being worried about it. I didn't understand the whole Italy/Europe thing, but it didn't really matter at the moment either. Most importantly, Emmett's confession of not wanting to die was incredibly hard to hear and I could tell it affected Edward in the same way.

When it was time for them to leave, Charlie shook Edward's hand as Em hugged me, and then Charlie hugged me while Em said goodbye to Edward - I almost lost it when I watched them hug. Emmett was definitely uncharacteristically emotional, and it scared the hell out of me. Whether Charlie and Edward were willing to admit it or not, Em's was running out of time and if we still had a chance at saving him, it had to be soon…