stops time with The World and crushes the disclaimer with a steamroller WRYYYYYYYYYYYY
Namco owns Soul Calibur. Capcom owns Dhalsim. Falco owns "Rock Me Amadeus." Either Blumchen, Germany, or both own the infamous "Hitler in flames" incident.
Chapter Fourteen: Adequately Prepared To Rock
While the Improbability Meltdown had resulted in generally detrimental effects for most of the Earth's population, Ostrheinsburg found that for once, fate was smiling on them. The four of them had been transported to India, meaning they were about ten minutes away from the Lakeside Colosseum and had a couple more days to rehearse than planned before the big show. No, not the Big Show, who would likely have no appreciation for their genre (described by Nightmare as "avante-garde, yet tinged with hints of progressive and experimental tangents", though he later admitted to being high from shooting up Soul Edge fragments at the time).
Also of note was the fact that Astaroth's large purple suit had been dramatically altered; rather than a giant and inexplicable hammerhead protruding from his frontal lobes, his helmet now sported his older look: a pair of trailing, mothlike antennae that stretched down to his ankles. The distinctively rabbit-like look drew numerous "Astar Bunny" jokes from Nightmare.
For most of the rehearsal period, there was little to none of the infighting that had plagued Ostrheinsburg's earlier period of preparation. Nightmare and Tira, having mended the rift between themselves with Barry White and occasional post-practice trysts (to the latter's pleasant surprise, the former's arm wasn't the only thing that had been dramatically enlarged by the Soul Edge), put together a solid lineup of songs for the show. They had selected ten of their greatest hits and arranged the pyrotechnics and assorted lighting effects, and by the time the day of the show came, there was nothing left to do but go out there and give it everything they had.
"Is everyone ready?" asked Nightmare as he, Tira, and Charade waited behind the stage for their cue to go on. "We got a damn good turnout; the house is packed and I dare say if we can pull off a good show here, the album should sell more than enough copies." He paused and looked around. "Where the hell is Astaroth?"
The door opened just then and the aforementioned bassist entered, pushing Maxi in front of him. "YOU GUYS," he shouted, "LOOK WHO I FOUND SLINKING AROUND OUTSIDE."
"I wasn't slinking," snapped Maxi. "The damn Improbability Drive warped me to India, and the Astar Bunny here—"
"DON'T CALL ME THAT. WORMS."
"—snatched me up and dragged me in here."
"It's him!" Nightmare yelled, grabbing the Soul Edge. "The guy who stole our music! Let's get him and---"
"Hold on, hold on. Look, I actually wanted to apologize."
There was a pause, as Tira, Nightmare, and Charade stared in disbelief, and Astaroth stared in that vacant way he normally stared at things. Tira finally stammered out an "Ap-apologize?"
"Yeah," confirmed Maxi, hanging his head. "Look…yeah, I stole your songs. And what's worse, I released them to the public as mine, which was theft and plagiarism and all kinds of dishonest. It was wrong of me."
"But why did you do it?" Nightmare asked. "You were just as successful as we were."
"I wasn't about to be. As you know, I was just coming off a torrid love affair with Cambodian pop songstress Mai-A-Hee Bambang, and the label said that our relationship had been good for both our album sales. And without her around, I was going to have to step up the production." Maxi sighed. "I guess I just couldn't handle the pressure."
"DUDE," roared Astaroth. "YOU TOTALLY DODGED GETTING THE CLAP, THOUGH."
"So I wanted to say, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have resorted to such artistic thievery, and it's my fault you guys are in the situation you're in. And so I would like," and here he took a deep breath of apprehension, "to offer my assistance with anything you guys might need help with, to make sure the show goes off right."
After a moment of thoughtful silence, Nightmare spoke up. "That was a noble thing to do, Maxi," he said, "and I accept your apology on behalf of Ostrheinsburg."
"WORMS. I THINK HE SHOULD DO COMMUNITY SERVICE," Astaroth screamed. "LIKE, GIVING FOOD TO HOMELESS PEOPLE OR SOMETHING."
"Astaroth, shut up," said Tira.
"SERIOUSLY, MAN, HAVE YOU SEEN THE LAKESIDE HOBOS?"
"He'll be much more useful if he actually helps with the concert." She stroked her chin thoughtfully, sizing Maxi up. "You can sing, right?"
"Right…"
"Hey, wait a minute," Nightmare broke in. "I'm the lead singer here."
"I know, but we need all the help we can get," replied Tira. "If Maxi sings, you can focus more on your guitar virtuoso…ocity….and frenzy the crowd up even more. Plus, he knows the songs, since he's been doing them on tour."
Maxi blushed from mild embarrassment. "Yeah…OK, so what songs are we doing?"
"The usual stuff, except towards the end, Nightmare had a good idea to finish up the set. You know how you put together a really great song, to the point where nobody can criticize the lyrics for being dumb even if they ARE dumb?"
"Do tell."
She handed him a sheet of music. "Make it in another language. That way, people can't say anything bad about it because most of them don't speak foreign languages, and they'll just feel dumb. So since Nightmare speaks German, I had him throw together something with a catchy hook, and the occasional English word. Shouldn't be a problem, right?"
"Not at all," said Maxi, wondering how he was going to memorize a bunch of words he didn't understand in an hour.
The Lakeside Colosseum was about as packed as it gets. Fifteen thousand screaming fans filled the bleachers, the balconies, the mosh pit, and the restrooms as they waited for Ostrheinsburg to take the stage. Most of the tech support companies had let their employees off for the day in honor of the big concert, and so every seat in the house was sold out. To kick off the festivities, Indian Prime Minister Dhalsim took the stage to a round of applause and elephant noises.
"Greetings, my friends," he announced into the microphone. "Are you adequately prepared to ROCK?"
The resulting wall of cheers would've knocked him off his feet, especially since he weighed fifty pounds, if it weren't for his Yoga training that kept him focused and upright. "Well, that's awesome, because today, you're going to see a band that thrashes like the many arms of Vishnu, burns like the eye of Agni, and explodes with the force of YOGA FIIIIRE."
More cheers. The crowd was white-hot, and ready to go nuclear for their heroes.
"So ladies and gentlemen, without further ado…OSTRHEINSBUUUUUURG!"
If the Lakeside Colosseum had a roof, it would've been blown off by the blast of general fanboyishness as the curtains pulled back to reveal Ostrheinsburg on the stage with their instruments. Nightmare grabbed the microphone and bellowed into it at the top of his lungs, "LAAAAAKESIIIIIIIDE! THE PRIME MINISTER ASKED YOU, ARE YOU ADEQUATELY PREPARED TO ROOOOOOCK?"
"You know," said Tira, "I think they're adequately---"
"CAUSE I'M ABOUT TO BLOW YOUR EARDRUMS OUT THE BACK OF THIS MOTHERFUCKER! ONETWOTHREEFOUR---"
The resulting sonic boom of instrumentalism could be heard by several satellites in orbit (and actually knocked Setsuka off her throne two thousand miles away) as Ostrheinsburg launched into the pulse-pounding intro of their hit single "Squirm, Scream, Die, Exterminate, Worms." Charade's drums summoned a double-bass onslaught that rendered everybody in the arena legally deaf and blind, and the dueling guitars of Nightmare and Tira shredded through the intro riffs. Astaroth dashed up to the microphone, slapping at the strings on his bass to produce notes like small nuclear explosions, and bellowed out the song into the mic with all his gusto:
KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH
BLAH BLAH BLOO BLAAAAARGH
IT WILL RAIN A RAIN OF BLOOD
SQUIRM, SCREAM, DIE
EXTEEEEEERMINAAAAAATE
WORMS!
DEAD YET?
WORMS, WORMS ARE EXTERMINATING
SQUIRM AND SCREAM
THEN DIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEE
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH
SATAN! I AM THE ANTI-POPE!
(Please note that the above line was a later Nightmare insert, in an attempt to stir up controversy, rather than an actual Astaroth original during the writing of the song)
WORMS! WORMS AND STRIFE!
KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!
EEEEYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
cough cough
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
He looked up, staring at the curtain that led to the stage. "Time to go rock and roll."
"Well, guys, you've been a hell of an audience tonight," announced Nightmare, "and now it's time for the finale! We have a special guest for you, though…"
A hush fell over the crowd, broken only by rippling murmurs of speculation.
"Ladies and gentlemen, Ostrheinsburg's new lead singer…MAXI!"
Maxi ran out onto the stage to a new wave of approval from the crowd, and grabbed the microphone from Nightmare. "All right," he yelled, "it's time to finish up! We've got one more song for you guys, so make some noise for ROCK ME AMADEUS!"
Rock me, Amadeus
Ro-Ro-Rock me, Amadeus!
Er war ein Punker
Und er lebte in der großen Stadt
Es war Wien, war Vienna
Wo er alles tat
Er hatte Schulden denn er trank
Doch ihn liebten alle Frauen
Und jede rief:
Come on and rock me Amadeus!
Er war Superstar
Er war populär
Er war so exaltiert
Because er hatte Flair
Er war ein Virtuose
War ein Rockidol
Und alles rief:
Come on and rock me Amadeus!
Amadeus, Amadeus! Amadeus!
Amadeus, Amadeus! Amadeus!
Amadeus, Amadeus, oh oh oh Amadeus!
Es war um 1780---
And as all good things do, the concert came to an abrupt end as the SWAT team rappelled from the rooftops and stormed the place, firing beanbag shotguns and submachine guns loaded with rubber bullets every which way. A detachment leapt onto the stage and immediately began handcuffing the members of the band.
"What the hell is this crap?" shouted Tira. "Why are we being arrested?"
"You know that pyro blast that went off when the chorus started?" asked the SWAT captain.
"Yeah…"
"I'm sorry to say it bore an uncanny resemblance to Adolf Hitler, too much of one to be taken coincidentally. Combined with the fact that you were singing in German, we're going to have to take you in on suspicion of National Socialist activities."
"What?" yelled Maxi as the five of them were thrown in the police van. "We didn't plan that? And who the hell is Adolf Hitler?"
Ten minutes later, the van sped off from the Colosseum with its passengers secured in the back. "Well," Maxi announced, "that was a disaster."
"NO, DUDE," screamed Astaroth, putting up the horns, "THAT WAS FUCKIN' HARDCORE."
"You KNOW it!" yelled Nightmare, high fiving him. "Controversy, here we come! That album's gonna sell more than enough to keep us out of jail!"
"We're heading to jail already," Tira reminded him.
An awkward silence filled the back of the van.
"All the better!" Nightmare suddenly exclaimed. "It'll just add to our reputation! Maaaan, this is the best thing that's ever happened to us."
"So…you're saying this is a good thing?" asked a bewildered Maxi.
"Maxi, my boy, welcome to the world of tr00ness."
And with that, they rocked out.
In the next chapter, Setsuka unveils her completed weapon of mass destruction and holds the entire world hostage, setting her demands at an impossibly high price. With no other recourse to the solution, it's up to Cervantes and company to take out the weapon…but meanwhile, M.T.F.L.B.R.H. have a date with destiny (and a heavy amount of improbability), and Mitsurugi will never be the same! All this and more, in Chapter Fifteen, "The Candyman Can"!