Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or MySpace. -sigh-
Chapter 14 -- What Hurts the Most
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok
But that's not what gets me
What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' it
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still harder, getting up, getting dressed, living with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok
But that's not what gets me
What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
EPOV
Today is my last day with Bella. I rush through my shower, not wanting to waste a minute, though I do not know why I'm showering because we're spending the day at the beach. I slip on my swim trunks and a shirt then exit my room of the suite. I find Jasper and a very tired looking Emmett on the couch.
"Hey, Em, late night?" I tease him.
He grumbles something at me.
"You just missed Rose leaving." Jasper proclaims. Emmett takes a swipe at his head, but Jasper avoids him. They start to wrestle around the living room area. It ends with Emmett holding Jasper in a head lock and me leaning on a counter laughing hysterically.
"Okay, let's go." I say, wiping tears form my eyes, "the girls are probably waiting for us already."
We get in my rented Volvo and speed to the beach. On the way, Jasper calls Alice to make sure they're there already. We park along the road and go to find the girls, Emmett carrying all of our towels. A very awake looking Rose waves us over to her.
Seeing Bella lying there made my heart stop. In the bright sun of the morning, her pale skin is glowing brighter than normal, practically sparkling. She is wearing a dark blue bikini. On anyone else, her bikini would be modest, but for Bella, this is showing a lot of skin. She is lying on her back on a towel, a book lying open next to her.
"Hey." She breathes.
"Hi." I breathe back as I lie down next to her. She cuddles close to me, resting her head on my shoulder, so I wrap my arm around her. Her other hand draws random circles on my chest and stomach. I don't know how long we lie like this, but I don't care. I open my eyes to the brightness and glance down at Bella's sleeping form. For a few minutes, I just fiddle with the bracelets that she wears, the one that I assume Jacob had given her and the other string bracelet that I assume to be the one she made for me. I lean on my side and bring my hand to her face, caressing her cheek softly. Her soft lips part in a slight smile. I softly kiss her; her forehead, her eyelids, her nose, her cheek, and finally her lips. I sit back and watch her as she wakes up. She stretches slightly then opens her eyes.
"Hey." She breathes for the second time today.
"Hello, sleepy head" I smile at her and kiss her forehead. She smiles at me then stretches up to kiss my lips. I still can't get over how her lips feel to me. It's like we were made perfectly for each other and we move in synch with each other just so. Bella sighs and I take the chance to deepen the kiss, sliding my tongue into her mouth and softly massaging her tongue with mine. I tangle my fingers in her hair, bringing her even closer to me.
Suddenly, something that feels like a football hits the small of my back, making both Bella and I jump. I shift so I can see Emmett rolling in the sand laughing and Rose glaring at him. I shake my head at them and settle back, Bella cuddling close.
BPOV
The day passes faster than I want, even though all I am doing is lying with Edward on the beach. Granted, I will be spending practically all night with him at the party for Renee's friend. I just have to remember to give Edward the bracelet I made for him.
"Hey, Edward, what time is it?" Alice calls from her cuddled-up position with Jasper.
"Why can't you have Jasper check?" Edward responds.
"Because we're comfortable," is Alice's brilliant reply.
Edward doesn't respond to her, nor does he make any move to check the time.
"Bella?" comes Alice's singsong voice, "can you have Edward check what time it is?"
"Check it yourself, Alice." I reply, getting annoyed at her myself.
"Fine," she sighs exasperatedly. "Holy Shit! It's already 4:30!! We have to start getting ready for the part!!" Alice jumps up and starts packing her stuff away.
I feel Edward glance down at me. "The party isn't until 9:30, right?" He asks me.
"Yes! But us girls take time to get ready for parties" Alice practically screams at Edward.
"By 'us girls' she means Rose and herself." I mumble to Edward, sure Alice cannot hear me.
"Actually, Bella, it takes us longer to get you ready than ourselves." Rose adds from where she and Emmett were practically having sex on the beach not 2 minutes ago.
"Well, you don't have to do my hair and makeup. I am quite fine going with no makeup on and my hair how it normally is." I quip.
"Well, if you didn't fight us about doing your hair and makeup, it wouldn't take 2 hours to do." Alice adds in, standing over me with her hands on her hips. "Now, let's get a move-on." She starts poking at us with a dainty sandal-clad foot.
All through this exchange, Edward had been watching us like he was at a table-tennis tournament. "Okay, okay, just stop poking me with your foot." He waves his arm at Alice's leg, apparently trying to catch it and make her lose her balance.
The six of us pack up our stuff and the guys carry our stuff to the car we are borrowing from Renee. Edward kisses me goodbye and I drive us to Renee's house.
EPOV
Seriously? 5 hours to get ready? How could it possibly take them 5 hours to get ready? I was half tempted to drop by Renee's house and rescue Bella. But, I knew that if I did that, I would feel the wrath that is Alice and Rose.
I let my head fall back on the couch, sinking further into it. I close my eyes, mentally resting and preparing myself for later tonight. My left hand slides into my pocket and takes out the charm that I had bought for Bella. I open my eyes and look at it, shifting it so that light catches it and throws rainbows everywhere.
Flashback
I have to get something for Bella's charm bracelet. I walk down a slushy Michigan Avenue in Chicago, trying to find a store to buy a charm for her. I have been able to get up and walk around by myself now for awhile, but this it the first time I've really been out by myself for something other than school. Tiffany's? No, she'd find out somehow and I would never hear the end of it… and she would probably return it. Besides, we're not even together. I sigh and walk to Water Tower Place and into the Macy's. I walk around the jewelry counters, looking at all of the things I wish I could get for her. The sales women follow me like hawks; the younger ones obviously checking me out (like I would even think about touching any of that, yuck), and the older ones trying to determine if I will actually buy something. I walk around aimlessly, not really finding something.
I stop dead and stare. That's it. It's a tiny heart-shaped pendant. It looks like glass and is cut so that the light reflects everywhere. I wave the sales woman over and ask her to get it out for me. I hold it to the light and watch the light shine everywhere. I check the price tag and shrug; she won't kill me too bad. Not that I mind spending money on her. I just know that she's not the type of girl that wants something expensive. I have to stop thinking like she's my girlfriend. I have the sales woman put a clasp on the pendant so that it will fit onto the bracelet, then she wraps it up and hands it to me with a wink. She slips me a piece of paper with her name and number on it. I grimace and crumple it up, letting it fall to the floor discretely, and walk back out onto the street.
End Flashback.
"She really will like it." Jasper startles me out of my reverie. I realize that I've been staring at the way the light refracts out of the pendant the entire time.
I sigh and put it back into my pocket, "I know. I just hope that she'll accept it."
Jasper nods, "she's not the type of girl that really likes people spending money on her, is she?"
I shake my head at him.
He shrugs back, "I guess she'll just have to get used to it then."
I crack a smile at him, "yeah." I sober up, thinking of him and Alice. "So what are you going to do about your Alice?"
"My Alice?" He responds, obviously surprised, "I don't know, I haven't really thought about it."
I snort, "Yeah, right. You obviously like each other and tonight is going to be the last time you see one another."
He smiles and shakes his head, "No, it won't. I figure you and Bella are going to be seeing more of each other, so she and I are bound to run into each other eventually."
I smile and nod, "True. But still, you have to have something planned out. I know you better than that."
He shakes his head, "Honestly, I don't have a plan. I'm just going to see what she wants out of it. I don't know if she will want to see me again or not. Ya know, she might just want this to be a spring break fling thing and have that be the end of it." He shrugs.
"Well, whatever." I glance at the clock. "We should probably get going. I don't know where this house is and it would be our luck to get lost and not make it there till midnight."
Jasper and I gather Emmett from where he was passed out in his room and practically push him out to the car.
We arrive at the party about a half hour later, mostly because Emmett needed to stop and get something to eat… even though there will be food at the party. The beach-front property is decorated nicely, if not slightly over the top; tikki torches line the walks and loud luau music blasts from the back. The servers are all dressed in grass skirts and coconuts with leighs around their necks. Bella did mention that the party was a luau theme…. Speaking of, where is she? Emmett, Jasper, and I wander randomly around the party trying not to be conspicuous since we technically didn't know anyone here yet. We end up standing around by the food table (of course), waiting for the girls.
About a half hour after the party began, the girls finally waltz in. Rose is wearing a bright pink and red minidress with a Hawaiian flower print. Alice is wearing a green dress similar to Rose's, only hers is knee length. And then, there's Bella. She is wearing a blue print sundress that is ankle length and flowy with flip flops. Her hair is in loose waves that cascade around her small face and shoulders. The light from the torches makes her skin glow.
The girls see us and walk over to us and greet us. I pull Bella to me and give her a hug and kiss the top of her head, breathing in the scent of her hair. She giggles and pushes me away.
"Sorry, but my mom's here somewhere and I don't want to have to explain why a guy is kissing me, especially one that she's never even heard of," she whispers with a slight smile.
I smile back and nod my head at her and let her know that I understand. I try to inconspicuously slide a finger or two into her hand so that I'm still touching her. I've found myself craving her touch, even if it is just a little bit of handholding. She squeezes my finger and leans into my side slightly.
The girls (well, Alice and Rose) decide to drag us out and dance. Bella blushes and tries to stay behind.
"I'm not too big on the dancing. You know, the whole clumsy thing." Bella smiles shyly and looks away.
I place a hand on the small of her back, pushing her out onto the dance floor. "You know, it is all in the leading." I smile at her, trying to reassure her.
She rolls her eyes at me, but does not resist. We slowly sway to the music, with a distance between us that would rival a middle school-aged couple at a Catholic school dance. I slowly pull her closer to me so that her head is resting against my shoulder and my arms are around her. Just swaying this way to the music, holding her this close, feels right. I know that I haven't actually known her for very long, but I feel like I've known her my entire life.
BPOV
I rest my head against his shoulder, slowly swaying to the music. I breathe in his scent, letting myself relax into his embrace. This feels right, like we were meant to dance together. I fit perfectly into his arms. I snuggle closer into him, wishing we were alone.
The dance music stops, and I reluctantly step back from Edward. He smiles at me, but something looks different about his smile. I can't quite place it, and I don't know if I want to. He looks conflicted, somehow. I shrug it off and follow me where he's leading.
"Do you want to go for a walk? It's getting late and we still have to say our goodbyes." He looks back at me sadly as he asks this.
I nod in agreement, not really wanting to say goodbye to him, but know I should do it now.
We walk along the beach away from the other people, not saying anything to each other. He takes my hand and continues walking. He seems like he wants to say something, but can't find the words. We come to a small section of rocks that forms a kind of bench, so we sit down. He slings his arm around my shoulder and I lean into him, not wanting to break the silence between us, but know I should.
"I have that bracelet I promised you." I say as I start to untie it from my wrist.
"Really? I thought you had forgotten about it." He chuckles.
"How could I do that?" I take his free arm and try to tie the bracelet around his wrist. "It doesn't quite fit. I guess I didn't make it long enough." I sigh, slightly frustrated.
"Here, let me have it." He takes his arm from around my shoulder, much to my dismay. He takes the bracelet from me and fiddles with it. "What do you think?" He holds his left hand out for me to see. Around his left hand ring finger is my bracelet, wrapped around it twice and tied securely. This gesture startles me, and it must have showed on my face. His face fell, "I can take it off, if you want." He starts to untie it.
I place my hand on his, stopping him. "No, I like it. Really. It just surprised me, is all." I lace my fingers in his and lean my head against his shoulder.
"Okay, you just had me worried there for a second. By the way, I got you something. It's a charm for your bracelet. I'd understand if you didn't want to put anything on there, but I was hoping that it would be okay."
"Really, you didn't have to get me anything." I hate when people spend money on me.
"Yes I did, now hush up." He kisses my forehead then reaches into his pocket on the other side of his pants and gets something out. The light from the moon sparkles off of it. He places it into my free hand so that I can look at it. It is a small clear heart that looks like it's made of glass, but is lighter than it should be.
"It's beautiful. Thank you." I close my hand around it and kiss his lips softly.
"You're welcome. Let me put it on your bracelet." He twists the bracelet so that the wolf charm is at the exact opposite end of the heart. I wiggle my wrist so that the charms dance.
"I love it." I smile up at him. He slowly leans in and kisses me softly. I tangle my free hand in the hair at the bas of his neck, pulling him closer. I know that this will probably be the last time that I get to kiss him for who knows how long. I run my tongue across his lip. His mouth opens and I slip my tongue into his. They tangle together as we pull closer. His hand buries itself in my hair and pulls me even closer so that I am practically straddling his lap. I break the kiss, unsure of where this is going, and lean my forehead against his. He wraps his arms around my waist, keeping me securely on his lap.
"I will see you again." He whispers to me, obviously sure of that.
"Okay." I am not sure how to answer him. I know that I love him, but I do not want to push him away or rush into anything.
"I don't know how, but I will." He says, as if he could read my mind and see all of my insecurities.
"Mmkay." I hold back my tears at the thought of him leaving, not wanting to shed them in front of him. "We should get back."
He sighs, "I know."
He helps me slide off his lap and onto firm ground. He catches my hand as I turn to go and brings me close to him, looking me in the eyes. He brings his hand to my face and draws his thumb across my cheek tenderly.
"I will see you again. I promise." He states, as if I didn't believe him before.
"I know. I believe you." I look back at him and smile slightly.
He smiles back at me, "okay, just making sure." He leans down and kisses me once more. It seems sad, but then we are saying goodbye.
I give him a hug, squeezing as hard as I possibly can, not wanting to walk back to the party. I sigh and step back, willing my feet to go where I myself do not want to go. We walk back to the party hand in hand, not looking at each other and not speaking. Alice and Rose are in the midst of saying their goodbyes to their respective non-boyfriend for the week.
Without saying a word to each other, Edward and I part and I walk with Rose and Alice to our car. Before stepping in, I look back at Edward and wave a good bye. He waves a reluctant good bye in return.
I get into the driver's seat and turn on the car, turning the radio all the way down; I do not want music now. I check my mirrors and drive away, watching Edwards diminishing form in the rear-view mirror, trying not to let my tears fall.
"Well, this sucks." Rose says so eloquently from the passenger seat.
"I agree." Alice squeaks from the back. "When are they coming to visit?"
I shrug in return, not trusting my voice, and hope that Edward will keep his promise.
A/N: Song is "What Hurts the Most" by CASCADA. I think it was also done by Rascal Flatts.
I'm baaAAAaaack….!!! *insert creepy laughter here*
Anywho, Merry Christmas! Sorry this took so long getting out. I've been done with the semester for about a week and a half now, but I've been busy doing stuff here. I would have posted earlier, but I got busy with family stuff… and then I started watching the Star Trek marathon on Sci-Fi. Hehhehe.
Oh, I suggest that you all read the Left Behind series. It's written by Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins. The story is really good, even if it is a religious book. My friend is currently lending me the first 6 books over break and I am about to start the 6th book. *sadface.* It is about what happens after the Rapture, following a pilot and his daughter, a religious scholar and a journalist, through the events foretold in Revelations. Like I said, religious, but with an interesting story line and good characters.
My thoughts on the Twilight movie…. (Please don't hurt me for any of this)… I did not like it. I mean, it was okay… but it was like the book on fast forward. They did not talk about Alice and Jasper's powers. And Rose had more lines than Alice did. I am kind of disappointed in it. I would have sat through a 3-hour movie if they had done it right. And… Jeremy (the boyfriend) agrees with me and he's not even a fan or anything, he's just read the books once through.
And on a random note: watching dogs dream is hilarious… especially two of them at once… when one of them sleeps on her back and snorts like a pig....
Just letting you know, there will be one more chapter of this story left. Yes, just one more. It will be much happier than this chapter, I promise. I still plan on writing a sequel, but I don't know when it will be done. I should have the next chapter up before Monday, mainly because I will be flying to visit Jeremy on Monday and will be with him for 2 weeks.