Goodbye, My Almost Lover
Summary: I can't lose you. Because if I ever did, I'd have lost my best friend, my soul mate, my smile, my laugh, my everything.
Disclaimer: I own nothing! The title of the story is from Fine frenzies almost lover and chapter title from Robert Patterson feat. Helena Josephson - My Own Worst Enemy
Chapter 14: Somebody Save Me From Myself
"I always hated when my scars started to fade, because as long as I could still see them, I knew why I was hurting."
― Jodi Picoult, Handle with Care
"I love you," Jacob said softly as they lay in bed together. "You need to know that I love you."
"I know," she whispered before she kissed him desperately, for just a few seconds until Jacob pulled away.
"Don't leave me," Bella begsinto his neck. "I need you. I love you. Don't go."
"Don't cry," Jacob smiled. "I'll see you again."
Bella hadn't left her room in in three days…not even to eat. She had a loaf of bread, which she'd dragged into the room from the kitchen, and she drank water from her sink in the bathroom but couldn't bring herself to leave. Amber hadn't returned from her visit to her parents yet, so Bella was alone. She called her professors and told them she was sick-which wasn't exactly a lie. She was heartsick.
A week went by, and another one began; still Bella stayed in her room. The food in the fridge had probably gone bad. She kept her curtains closed not letting in any light…laying her bed, wasting away in the dark.
An endless loop of memories and regrets ran through her head.
She missed Jacob.
She missed the way he used to kiss her shoulder when he held her in his arms. She missed how he tucked her hair behind her ear and the way he used to play with her hands whenever he was distracted or bored. She missed the way he snored, loud enough to wake the dead. She missed the huskiness of his voice and his stupid jokes. She missed joking about their age and who was older. She missed the stupid sappy pop music he used to play in his garage that he would turn off the second he noticed her. She missed the way he used to whistle while he worked on his car. She missed his warmth. She missed the way he used to tell her he loved her.
She missed everything about him.
There was a knock on her room door but she couldn't find the strength to get out of bed.
Amber must have come home.
Bella managed to stay in her room for another day before Amber used the spare key and came to check on her.
"Why are the lights off?" she asked as she came into the room.
She switched on the lights and gasped.
"What have you done to yourself?" she asked, once she took in Bella's state.
Bella shrugged, not moving from under her covers.
"That's it. Get out of bed right now!" Amber managed to drag her out of bed and into the bathroom.
She ran Bella some water and put her in the tub.
"When's the last time you bathed?" she asked, with a click of her tongue.
How long had it been? A week? Two?
Bella shrugged again.
"Have you at least been eating?" Amber questioned.
"There was bread," Bella mumbled, her voice raspy from disuse.
Amber made another sound of disapproval, and started washing her hair. Bella couldn't help but lean into the contact…it was nice to have some physical contact.
"So, what set you off this time?" Amber asked, like this was becoming a pattern.
"I…There was a baby…Jacob…Alone…I taint everything…killed him," Bella knew that her babbling made no sense but Amber nodded as if she understood.
"Someone had a baby named Jacob. You're feeling alone and you're worried that you'll taint him because you think you killed Jacob," Amber stated, and Bella remembered why she and Amber were friends.
"My fiancé knew his killer. She was supposed to be a guest at our wedding. She was there because of me," Bella admitted, hoping Amber wouldn't press for more details.
Amber didn't comment on that. She started to ramble, talking about her trip with her parents and how annoying her brother was.
"I told them about you and they want to meet you," she mentioned as she was helping Bella out of the tub.
"Why would anyone want to meet me?" Bella mumbled, dejectedly. "I've known myself for 19 years and I don't even want to be around myself anymore."
Amber pursed her lips.
"You're coming to meet my parents," she declared, and from her tone of voice Bella knew there would be no arguing.
Amber gave Bella a robe and made her sit at the table while she rumbled around the fridge. It had all gone bad.
She poured Bella a bowl of cereal and put it in front of her.
Bella stared at the corn flakes and made no move to touch them.
Amber left the room ordering her to eat.
When she came back, Bella hadn't moved and the bowl was still full. She placed the carton of milk she must have gotten from the cafeteria on the table and sat across from her giving her a glare.
Bella picked up her spoon and took a bite, not bothering with the milk. She crunched the dry cereal.
It hurt to swallow, but she did it, forcing it down her throat, to her stomach under Amber's watchful gaze. She gripped her spoon so tightly that her knuckles turned white. She couldn't break down in front of Amber, she couldn't. Not again.
It's not fair. Bella had to live while Jacob died but Amber has to watch her live while being dead inside.
"You're your own worst enemy," Amber tells her as she pushes the milk across the table. "It's like you get pleasure out of breaking your own heart."
Bella was too tired to reply. She felt raw and empty.
"Hey," Amber said, making Bella look up from her cereal. "Talk to me."
Bella swallowed.
"I hate this," she whispered. "I hate that my heart is still beating. I hate that Jacob's dead. I hate that I got so little time with him. I hate that I didn't figure it out sooner."
Amber was silent for a long time. Bella went back to eating thinking the conversation was over.
"Bella?" Amber asked after a while. "If he hadn't died," Amber started, with emphasis on the last word, "would you still be here?"
The question causes a shame to coil in her stomach. She denied feeling anything more than friendship Jacob for months. She wouldn't even admit it to herself and when she did admit she loved him she pretended like she didn't love him enough. She pretended she loved Edward more. If Jacob hadn't died she would have gone on pretending, she would have married Edward and buried her love for Jacob deep, deep within herself.
She would be living her happily ever after with Edward… and Jacob would be the one suffering right now.
Amber must see the answer on her face because she leaves the table without comment and Bella throws her bowl of cereal at the wall.
She couldn't breathe. She didn't want to breathe. She wanted to go back in time, climb in the bed next to Jacob's body, and die herself. She never thought about how Jacob would feel when she died, when she became undead, because she'd been sure that they'd find a way to be friends even if he did think of her as a undead blood sucking monster but—
Better you really be dead than one of them
Nausea swept through her and she pressed her fist to her mouth but couldn't hold it. She rushed into the bathroom and threw up, with her arms crossed over the seat, heaving until there wasn't anything left in her stomach. Her throat stung and her stomach was quivering. She collapsed against the tub, slumping against the edge.
She struggled to her feet and gripped the sink. A look in the mirror revealed that she looked even more like crap than usual. There were a pair of shiny dark circles underneath her eyes and her already pale skin was even whiter.
"You did this," she reminds herself. "You chose to let him go."
She let out a long and desperate cry, the pain tearing through her chest. She looked at herself in the mirror and saw the red eyes of a newborn vamp staring back at her. She screamed and punched the mirror in anger and breaking it, and cutting herself in the process. The mirror shattered and fell into the sink.
Amber rushed into the room and held her as she thrashed and pushed weakly against her arms.
"Shh," Amber hushed. "Just let it go, Bella."
Bella struggled for a few more minutes before giving in.
"He died alone. I wasn't with him. I let him run from me…I pushed him away and he died all alone thinking I didn't want him. He thought I didn't love him enough. Oh god, what did I do? What did I-" she cried helplessly. "Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?"
Amber just let her cry it out.
"You think that pain is the answer but it's not. Hurting yourself doesn't bring Jacob's soul any pleasure. You have to move on, Bella." She spoke slowly as if Bella were a small child.
"I can't," Bella sobbed. "I killed him. I should suffer for it."
Amber shook her head.
"You didn't kill him and the Jacob you described to me wouldn't want this for you," she stated.
"No, but he should. He should want me to suffer. He should want me to be in pain," Bella hissed, but she couldn't draw the strength to put more venom behind her words.
"But he doesn't," Amber said, like it was a fact.
But how could she know?
"I'm a horrible person," Bella continued.
"No, you're not,"
"What if he died hating me?'
"Impossible," Amber was getting really good at shutting down her downward spiral of self-hate.
"What if one day I forget him?" Bella asked.
Don't worry. You're human—your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind, the Edward voice reminded her.
"You'll never forget him, Bella. You have his name tattooed across your chest," Amber's voice was calm and steady.
It was moments like this that Bella was sure she'd be a great therapist.
Bella laughed, but it came out as a sob.
"That was a stupid, reckless thing to do," she said, with a small smile.
"Yes, it was but everyone should be a little reckless sometimes," Amber grinned, before pulling away from her and getting the first aid kit.
"I get it if you think this is really stupid and reckless."
"Yeah, it's completely stupid and reckless…When do we start?"
"I think I've been reckless enough," Bella said, touching her hair.
Amber came back and started cleaning her hand and wrapping it up.
"So, what do you say we go out for lunch? I know a great Chinese place,"
Bella rolled her eyes.
"I just had a break down and you want to take me out to eat in public?" Bella questioned.
Amber shrugged.
"So are you coming?" she asked, and Bella smiled.
"Of course," she said, and Amber slung her arm across her shoulders.
"Good, now let's get you some clothes." She led Bella into her room.
"Why are we in here? My clothes are in my room," Bella said, confused.
Amber went into her closet and pulled out a red T-shirt and a black skirt.
"Here," she said, Bella read the writing and laughed.
I'm not crazy! I'm sensitive.
…
They had lunch and Amber made them sit in the middle of the restaurant. They talked, they laughed, and they had a good time.
For the first time in a long time she didn't feel alone.
Afterwards she dragged Bella to a party. She didn't let her drink. Instead, they danced and she introduced her to some people. No one asked about her hand or why she looked like a raccoon. It was…fun. The most fun she'd had while sober since Jacob died.
It was nice to have a friend again…but she wasn't sure she deserved to have fun.
A part of her really wanted to hold onto her pain. The sadness was like a precious wound. A suffering she didn't want to let go of because it hurt too good.
Was it wrong to want things to stay the same?
"Are you doing an Eat Pray Lovemonologue in your head right now?" Amber asked, handing her a cup of Coke.
Bella shrugged.
Sometimes you're a little strange, Bella. Do you know that?
"You really do like making yourself miserable. I never should have shown you that movie," she shook her head, before dragging Bella back to where everyone was dancing.
Maybe she didn't have to be miserable all the time…Jacob would have wanted her to have fun.
Wouldn't he?