Omg whyyyyy is it so early? I think I will go get in the backseat of the car and go back to sleep and make my brother who I haven't seen in eight months drive the five plus hours to my aunt's house. I am such a good sister!
I have come to the conclusion that y'all are seriously just way too nice. It is the only explanation that makes sense. Thank you thank you thank you to everyone who keeps reviewing.
Have a happy Thanksgiving and/or Thursday and a great weekend!
———————————————
Chapter Fourteen: Living The Dream
———————————————
Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle.
Everything I do is stitched with its color.
- W.S. Merwin, "Separation"
———————————————
June – 01 August 2013
One
It was summer, but now more than ever Lilly was sorry they'd moved to Seattle. She hated the empty house and kept away much as possible, staying in the library to study for the LSATs and picking up extra shifts at the skatepark. If only they'd stayed in Malibu, she could have hung out with Jackson and Sarah, or met up with the Heroic Trio to catch some waves. But she and Miley had always been so wrapped up in each other that she'd never really made any friends here. She got along all right with everyone at the skatepark, but they were more co-workers than friends, and their idea of a good time was to go out drinking. After seeing what alcohol had done to Miley, Lilly never intended to touch the stuff.
The house echoed. Lilly knew she was imagining it, but that was how it felt, like the house was a hollowed-out shell and every noise she made bounced from wall to wall because there was nothing, no one there to stop it. She avoided the place except to sleep.
Miley had only been gone a week, and already Lilly didn't know how she would survive for seven more. At least once a day she had to fight the urge to call Sarah and yell at her, because Sarah had told her, once, that this would get better, easier, and that was a lie.
The words on the page swam in front of her eyes. She was in the library taking a practice LSAT but she couldn't concentrate. The question she was currently doing involved the implications of the government refusing to put warning labels on caffeinated products when caffeine had been shown to increase birth defects in rats. Lilly rubbed her eyes and looked down at the book. She'd crossed out the last choice and written I miss you next to it, then filled in its bubble. She blew out a breath and pushed the prep book away from her. This was pointless, and she had class in twenty minutes anyway.
She checked her email on the laptop before she started to pack stuff up. A bunch of crap from the listserv her professor had made everyone sign up for, and an email from Jenny letting her know the name of the radio station in Sacramento Miley had an interview with today. It was almost starting; she could listen to it on the way to class. Lilly shoved everything into her bag and headed downstairs, barely paying attention to where she was going because she was busy pulling up the radio station's website on her phone. They were streaming the broadcast, just like she'd thought.
She popped earbuds into her ears and slowed her steps as the host introduced Miley. Her class was all the way across campus and it would take her at least ten minutes to get there, but she wanted to make sure she got to hear all of this and she didn't know how long it would run. The host called Miley Hannah and Lilly winced, imagining just how well that had gone over with Miley. No one else would be able to tell, but Lilly could hear how annoyed Miley was from the way her voice took on an extra layer of polite smoothness.
The interview was nothing new, the same old questions everyone always trotted out, but Lilly didn't care. Hearing Miley, knowing exactly where she was right now and what she was doing, that was the important part. In some ways, the routineness of the interview was even comforting. It let her tune out the words themselves without worrying she would miss something, and just listen to the sound of Miley's voice, the familiar rhythm of it, rising and falling like sheets of rain on a roof, like waves of love or longing.
———————————————
Two
Stupid hotel mattress, Miley thought, turning over for what must have been the hundredth time in the last hour. It was too soft. The glowing numbers on the clock by the bed mocked her and she lifted her head to punch out her frustration on the pillow. It was after three a.m. now. If she didn't get a least a little sleep she'd be dead all day tomorrow, and she really couldn't afford that.
But it was so much harder to fall asleep when she wasn't with Lilly. Her brain wouldn't turn off without Lilly's reassuring warmth there next to her. It kept going over everything, tumbling past the day's events, down and down until she was being chased by worries about the tour, and being gone so long, and Lilly...
This hour was the worst, the one between three and four in the morning. That was the hour her guilt caught up with her, and her mind ran in tight little circles of self-recrimination.
How could she have been so fucking stupid? Of all the short-sighted, idiotic things to wish for...her mom, she could've...dammit. And she'd known better, she'd seen what it was like for Jake, and she'd still been stupid enough to wish for something she knew she didn't want. And then she'd fucked everything up once she got here, let down so many people...and here she was, going after it again, as though she hadn't learned the first time what wanting this could do. And Lilly, Lilly was having to work so hard, and it was all her fault...everything was her fault...how could she have been so fucking stupid?
For years she'd silenced those thoughts with alcohol and later drugs, and the craving to go back to them was so, so tempting, because she knew, she knew that they would work, that all of this guilt and regret would disappear for a few hours and she would have peace. But she couldn't do that to Lilly. She couldn't ruin Lilly's life any more than she already had, couldn't take the chance that –
She flopped over on her stomach and turned her head away from the clock. She had to stop thinking and get some sleep. If only Lilly were there, or even just in the same hotel. Or the same state. The distance made her connection with Lilly seem tenuous, like maybe the last five years had all been a dream and Lilly had never really come here at all. Alone, in the dark, without a decent night's sleep in the past week and a half, anything seemed possible.
Sighing, she sat up and started to reach for the light switch on the lamp, ready to give up and resign herself to sleepwalking through another day, trying to survive off catnaps in between the promotion Jenny booked for her and rehearsal. Then she remembered the five-minute-long voicemail Lilly had left yesterday when she'd called while Miley was in the middle of doing a radio show. Maybe hearing Lilly's voice would be enough to help her sleep.
Her eyes were more than adjusted to the dark by now, so Miley was able to easily make her way from the bed to the dresser and find her phone of top of it. She took it back to bed with her and tossed around a bit more, getting comfortable before she connected to her mailbox.
Lilly's voice washed over her. It was stupid, and Lilly would probably tease her just for saving the message if she knew, because all Lilly was doing was complaining about her class and having to study for the LSAT, but it helped a little. It gave her something besides remorse to focus on.
Miley listened to message six times through, and finally drifted off to sleep in the middle of the seventh, still holding the phone like a lifeline or a buoy, the only thing keeping her head above water.
———————————————
Three
Lilly shouldn't have washed the sheets. It had been three weeks since she came back from L.A., three weeks since Miley had gone on tour, and she did it out of habit but she shouldn't have. Before the sheets had still smelled faintly of Miley, a scent that had lingered under those of the shampoo and body wash they both used so that Lilly didn't notice it was there until it was gone.
It took her a while to figure it out that first night, minutes ticking away as she lay savoring the feel of clean sheets and at the same time trying to pinpoint why the bed seemed subtly wrong all of a sudden. Finally she flipped over and pressed her face into Miley's pillow, and when she inhaled and smelled only detergent she realized what was missing. She shouldn't have washed the sheets. Two months wasn't so long to go without washing them. Jackson had probably had sheets he hadn't washed for years before he started dating Sarah.
Too late now, Lilly thought, lying on her side and hugging the pillow to her. She'd already washed the other set and put them back in the linen closet, and now she'd just have to get used to it. But the feeling of wrongness persisted and she couldn't get comfortable. Every time she started to relax and fall asleep the awareness that something was off would creep into her mind and prick her needle-sharp until her eyes were forced open.
Lilly sighed. This obviously wasn't going to work. She sat up and got out of bed, clicking on the lamp. Miley had taken most of her clothes with her, but she'd left some behind. Enough for Lilly's purposes. There was a UW sweatshirt in the closet that Miley had worn so much it still smelled like her no matter how many times it was washed. Lilly pulled it off the hanger and over her head, breathing in deeply.
There. Perfect. Then she had an even better idea and padded down the hall and into the study. The box she needed was on the top shelf of the closet and she couldn't quite reach, so she got the desk chair and stood on it, balancing precariously and hoping it wouldn't roll out from under her. It did jerk a bit when she tugged the box down, making her yelp, but she was able to steady herself with a death grip on the doorframe and clambered down with the box resting on her hip, wedged under her arm. Once she was safe on the floor again she set it on the chair and opened the flaps.
Beary Bear was right on top. She stuck her nose deep in his soft plush and inhaled. There. That was perfect. He smelled just like Miley, not even mixed with detergent. She'd keep the sweatshirt too, though. It couldn't hurt.
She turned the air up on the way back to bed so she wouldn't get too hot and settled in, clutching Beary Bear right under her chin. Her body relaxed immediately this time, Miley's smell surrounding her in a warm, comforting cloud, lulling her inexorably off to sleep.
———————————————
Four
Las Vegas shimmered from far away like an oasis in the desert. Then you got into the city and realized that it sucked just as much as the desert, only in very different ways. The heat was omnipresent, though, and all the glass and gilt on the Strip reflected so much light Miley worried she'd end up cooked like a turkey.
Vegas could be overwhelming the first time, but this was Miley's seventh, and by now she was more interested in checking into their rooms than gawking at all the wonders the Strip had to offer. In fact, she'd wanted a hotel that was off the Strip and away from everything, but she'd been outvoted on the grounds that all the off-Strip hotels were shitholes. She didn't have any proof to the contrary, so it was hard to argue with that, or with Jenny's flat statement that she was the one making the reservations and she'd damn well book them where she wanted to stay. Miley grinned remembering that. The pressures of organizing a ten-month, cross-country tour had finally knocked the timidity out of Jenny and now she didn't hesitate to stand up to Miley.
Both buses fit comfortably in the driveway of the Bellagio. Liveried bellhops streamed out of the doors and started carting luggage inside while Miley stepped off the bus and stretched, then sauntered inside leaving Jenny behind staring at the Fountains.
She hadn't made it more than two steps inside the door when a man swept up to her, smiling broadly. "Ms. Stewart," he said, and started in on a long speech about their rooms being comped and all the other amenities the casino had to offer, and if Miley needed anything else at all she should let him know.
Miley pulled her sunglasses down her nose and looked at him over the top of them. "Show me where my suite is," she said, interrupting his explanation of how he'd be more than happy to escort her to the high-rollers area if she had even the slightest desire to gamble, or even set up a private gaming room if she preferred. "And then leave me alone the rest of the time I'm here, and I'll send someone down to play two million."
He looked like she'd just given him every Christmas present he'd ever wanted, and immediately ushered her off to the elevators. "Where are the rest of my people staying?" she asked during the ride up, and frowned when he described the rooms, remembering how entranced Jenny had been on the drive to the casino. "Upgrade them. And make sure my assistant has a good view of the Strip."
"Consider it done," he said, and she spent the rest of the time in the elevator trying to decide which of the drivers she should give the two million. Maybe she'd just give one to Mike and one to Pete and let them both play. They were going to be here a couple days and neither of them would have anything else to do.
She shut the door on the casino host's still-smiling face and wandered through the enormous suite until she found the bedroom. There was a concert that night and they had rehearsal in just under two hours, and Miley wanted to try and fit a nap in before that. She'd listened to Lilly's old messages for over an hour last night before finally falling asleep. Miley belly-flopped onto the bed without bothering to worry about an alarm. Jenny would make sure she got woken up in time.
But she didn't even need Jenny, because she only drifted in and out of sleep for about forty-five minutes before jerking completely awake. She checked her watch, groaning when she realized she could have slept for at least another twenty minutes. She called room service and had them send up coffee. "And sunscreen," she said, so she wouldn't end up roasted in the time it took to get from the hotel to the car and the car to the arena.
The coffee was perfect when it came and the sunscreen was Lilly's brand, which made Miley smile. It wasn't until she started to put it on that she realized she should have asked for something else. The smell of it reminded her so strongly of Lilly, of Lilly on the beach, smiling. Lilly on the beach in a bikini, water dripping off of her, little droplets tracing erratic paths down her bare stomach that Miley wanted to follow with her tongue.
Shit, Miley thought. The mental images and the smell made her heart rate pick up, and her body started to tingle as she rubbed the lotion into her skin. She really should have sent this back. Now she was going to spend the rest of the day with arousal trickling through her.
Her phone went off as she finished applying the sunscreen and she fished it out of her bag. It was Jenny, so she didn't answer, just grabbed up the bag and went out into the hallway where she knew Jenny would be waiting.
"Mike and Pete took the buses straight to the Orleans after we unloaded here, so everything should be set up down there by the time we get there," Jenny said, flipping her phone shut as Miley stepped out of her room. Miley gestured for her to take the lead, trying to breathe shallowly and hoping she'd get used to the scent and wouldn't smell it after a while.
That didn't happen. Rehearsal was torture: she spent the whole time so distracted by the arousal pinging along her nerves that she kept screwing up and rehearsal ran over by half an hour.
"What's wrong?" Jenny asked when they finally wrapped with just enough time to get dinner before they'd need to be back for the concert.
Miley could smell her sweat mixing with the sunscreen, and god, that just made it worse. "Nothing," she said tightly, and started breathing through her mouth.
She had zero appetite so she had the car take her back to the hotel, dropping down to sit on the edge of the bed and burying her face in her hands. There was no way she could play a show like this. She took a deep breath and then snatched her hands away from her face. That was not helping.
It was seven o'clock now; Lilly worked until ten tonight. Dammit.
Miley flipped off her sandals and picked up the tube of sunscreen, idly tossing it from hand to hand for a moment before she twisted off the cap and squirted some into her palm. She rolled her eyes as her body immediately reacted to fresher, stronger smell. Even she would admit this was getting a little out of hand.
She massaged the lotion into her arms and then rubbed some on her neck, letting her fingers linger there as she imagined Lilly kissing, licking, sucking –
Jesus. Miley inhaled sharply and laid back on the bed, undoing the button on her shorts and pulling down the zipper, sliding a hand under her panties and through the wiry thatch of hair. She was wet, she'd been wet for hours now, and her hand was still slippery from the sunscreen, and her fingers slid easily against her clit. A hard breath snaked its way out between tongue and teeth at the contact. It was almost embarrassing how little it took. Her hand moved jerkily, made uncoordinated by her intense need. Two fingers pressed her clit and an image of Lilly slowly untying the string that held the top of her bikini up blazed through her mind, and an orgasm shattered her, ripping through her body almost painfully.
She screamed out Lilly's name, her body tense and then shaking. Drained, she couldn't move for a few minutes except for the heaving of her chest as she tried to get her breath back. Finally, she pulled her hand free, bringing it to her mouth and sucking her fingers clean. There, under the taste of her, was the faint taste of sunscreen to match the smell that still surrounded her. Miley smiled, then chuckled, then started laughing and couldn't stop, her whole body shaking again, because this was completely, utterly ridiculous and she couldn't ever tell Lilly about this, because if she did Lilly would never, ever let her live it down.
———————————————
Five
The morning light streamed into the room unchecked because Lilly had forgotten to close the curtains the night before. It had been dark by the time she got home, almost eleven, and she hadn't even bothered to turn on a light in the room, just changed in the dark and went straight to bed. It was better that way.
Now she cursed her carelessness. She pressed her palms into her eyes and then glared at the clock. Quarter to seven, and it was Saturday. Her hands dropped to her sides, encountering nothing but a cold, empty space next to her. And she was waking up alone.
She hated this moment, this instant that happened a hundred times a day, when she'd remember all over again that Miley was gone. It was easy enough to lose herself in studying for her classes or last-minute cramming for the LSATs, but that feeling was always there waiting for her the second she came up for air, that sharp stab of loneliness and need that could catch her unawares and leave her gasping in the middle of the library, trying not to cry.
Just like now, when tears started to pool in her eyes. She pushed the heels of her hands back against them until she could swallow the tears away.
Enough was enough. What she needed to do, Lilly decided, was stop wallowing. There had to be good things about Miley being gone, and she'd find them. She rolled out of bed and bounced a little to get her blood flowing. Starting with getting up early and not having to worry about making too much noise and waking Miley up.
After a quick shower, she went out to breakfast at Wayward Cafe, a vegetarian place on the other side of Ravenna Park that Miley hated. And then, since it was Saturday and she'd done a fair bit of studying last night, she treated herself to a matinee of Death Blow 2, the latest action movie. Miley thought watching things blow up was boring, and nothing Lilly said would convince her otherwise.
She went to the skatepark after, glad she wasn't on the schedule today, and spent two hours working on doing some tricks switch before she stopped to grab a late lunch at the pizza place across the street. Todd came in just as she got her slice and settled in one of the back booths, and he slid in across from her once he got his own food. A rumpled brown paper grocery bag that had obviously been reused a lot dangled from one hand. He dropped it on the table next to his paper plate, which was piled high with three slices of mushroom and black olive pizza.
"What're you doing here?" she asked him, giving the hand he offered over the table a friendly slap. He usually didn't come in on the weekends.
Todd shrugged. "Same as you, probably," he said. "Get some skating in. But I saw you come in here and I figured I might as well eat something first." He folded the top slice in half and took a giant bite out of it.
Lilly nodded and swallowed a bite of her bacon and pineapple. "I can almost do a switch crooked grind."
"Awesome," Todd said, holding up his hand for Lilly to slap it again. He jerked his head towards the paper bag. "Hey, you want any raspberries? We've got like ten bushes on the hill behind our house and my girlfriend is going crazy trying to get rid of them. She's even started trying to convince the kids they count as dessert so they'll eat more."
"No, thanks," Lilly said automatically, because Miley couldn't stand raspberries. Even having them at the house made her sick. But Miley wouldn't be there. "Actually, you know what? I will take some. Miley hates them, but she isn't here, so..."
"Rock," Todd said. "Celebrate your independence."
Lilly took another bite, mumbled her answer through cheese and tomato sauce. "I guess."
He had them in little cardboard cartons inside the bag, four all together. Lilly took one home and stood rinsing the raspberries in a colander at the sink. The afternoon sunlight lit up the kitchen, and when she'd patted the raspberries dry on a paper towel and piled them in one of their little pale green ice cream bowls they looked almost too perfect to eat.
Lilly sat at the kitchen table and carefully selected the two biggest, juiciest raspberries in the bowl, popping them into her mouth and biting down. They exploded, filling her mouth with juice, bright and sweet and tart. They tasted like summer and she swallowed them down, grinning. She'd forgotten how good raspberries were, it had been so long since she'd had any. The last time had been a raspberry smoothie almost a year ago. Miley had smelled it on her breath when she got home and threatened not to kiss her for a week.
But that wouldn't be a problem this time, because she wasn't going to see Miley for another three weeks. Three whole weeks. The aftertaste in her mouth turned sour. Lilly stared at the rest of the raspberries in the bowl, vision blurring, then got up and dumped them in the trash.
She'd never really liked them all that much anyway.
———————————————
Six
Sound check was dragging on forever. Something was screwed up with the power amps, and Rick and Nathan, the two techs on the tour, had spent over an hour so far trying to get it working again. They kept promising they'd be done in another five minutes, only to move that estimate back again when the time was up.
Miley sat in one of the front row seats, aimlessly plucking at Lola's strings. Another crappy thing in an already crappy day. They'd had a late night last night, and then were supposed to leave early, but she'd overslept and made them late getting on the road. It had rained all day, too, a light mist that soaked into their clothes every time they went outside and made the bus drivers cranky at having to drive through it. Everyone else had caught their crankiness from them, and the change in barometric pressure had given Miley a killer headache.
She sighed and gave up on even pretending to play, sitting back in the seat and rubbing her hand along the smooth surface of the guitar. Jenny was sitting a few rows back, busy talking on her phone, doing god knew what. Probably setting up more interviews where Miley would have to talk about Hannah's drinking problem again. The idea pissed her off more than it should have. She just couldn't deal with thinking about crap like that today. The way she felt now, she didn't even want to play the concert tonight.
"Okay, just another five minutes, guys, we promise," Rick called from the side of the stage where he and Nathan were messing with the amps, and Miley sighed again. She couldn't call Lilly because she was in class, and she couldn't take just sitting here anymore. Coffee would help her headache and give her energy, and she thought she remembered seeing a coffee shop a few blocks down.
She pushed herself up out of the seat and ambled over to where Jenny was sitting, carefully placing Lola in the seat next to her. "Coffee?" she mouthed at the girl, who nodded her head vigorously and started to reach for her purse. Miley waved her off. She had a twenty and a couple ones in her pocket, left over from getting lunch.
Miley hoisted herself up onstage. Bad idea, she thought, because it set her head pounding even worse. "Hey, I'm making a coffee run, you guys want anything?" she asked Nathan and Rick, walking past where Rock'n'roll Roxy, her electric guitar, was resting in its stand and over to the two guys.
"God, yes," Rick said, sounding pathetically grateful for the offer.
"You're a lifesaver," Nathan added. "Seriously, if I don't get some caffeine soon I'm just going to start beating the shit out of this thing."
"Don't do that," Miley said. "Then we'll be stuck here even longer. What do you guys want?" She got their orders and hurried out of the amphitheater, wanting to be outside.
That only lasted until she actually got outside. It was still raining, and she'd left her umbrella inside. Drizzle coated her face and beaded in her hair, dampening her shirt and jeans. When she stepped to the curb to cross the street, a car went past, hitting a puddle and sending a wave of water splashing over her, completely soaking her shoes and her jeans from the knees down. Dammit, Miley thought. Today sucked.
Gritting her teeth, she crossed the street and found the coffee place. There was a line almost to the door and when she finally made it to the counter and got her order, the teenager working the counter told her they were out of drink carriers. She had to carry all four drinks back, praying the whole way that the lids on the two she was clutching between her arms and chest wouldn't pop off and spill scalding hot coffee all over her.
They didn't, but by the time she got back the rest of her clothes were as wet as the bottom of her jeans. Jenny was off the phone when Miley walked back in. "What happened?" she exclaimed, jumping up and relieving Miley of two of the cups. "Why didn't you come back and get an umbrella?"
"Good thing I didn't," Miley said. The air conditioning was on and it made her clothes ice cold. Her teeth started to chatter. "I wouldn't have been able to hold it and all the coffee."
"Didn't they have a holder?" Jenny asked.
Miley shook her head and almost snapped at her. Did Jenny really think she would have walked back here like that if they had? "Those are Rick and Nathan's," she said, nodding to the cups in Jenny's hands. She set Jenny's coffee on the floor by her seat while Jenny took the other two cups up to the guys, then took the aisle seat in the row behind Jenny. Shivering miserably, she took the lid off of her cup and blew on the coffee. Today sucked ass.
She took a sip and almost spit it back into the cup in surprise. It was sweet. Damn. She must have mixed up the orders. "Hey, Nathan, I think I got your – " she started, looking up at the stage just in time to see Nathan take a drink, make a face at the taste, and actually spit it back in the cup. " – coffee," she finished.
Nathan looked over at her, shamefaced. "Um. Oops?"
Rick started laughing at him. "You're such a dumbass, man," he chided.
"Shut up," Nathan hissed at him. "Um, you want me to run out and get you a new one?" he asked Miley.
"Yeah, or I could," Jenny offered, her face screwed up in sympathy. She knew how serious Miley was about her coffee.
"No, it's all right," Miley said. Just one more crappy thing in the long line of crappy things that was today. And it wouldn't kill her to drink sweetened coffee for once. "Sorry I screwed it up, Nathan."
Nathan shrugged. "Don't worry about it, I'll just steal some of Rick's." He and Rick went back to fiddling with the amps and Jenny's phone rang. Miley huddled in her seat, trying to stop shivering. She'd better not get a cold from this. The coffee warmed her hands and she took another sip.
The taste of it triggered a memory: the last time she'd had coffee with sugar was Christmas before last, right after she and Lilly had gotten together and they'd been split up because Lilly was staying with her parents. Miley had met her on the beach every morning at dawn after Lilly finished surfing, armed with a thermos of coffee.
She drank more, warmth from the drink spreading through her like heat from the sun on those mornings, relaxing her muscles and easing the shivers away. Miley took another sip, letting the sweet coffee taste roll around in her mouth. She remembered how Lilly had looked that first morning, how her eyes had sparkled when she discovered that Miley had brought the coffee just like this, just the way Lilly liked it, and for the first time all day Miley smiled.
———————————————
Seven
The streets were practically deserted. An occasional car zoomed past Lilly as she tic tacked from one streetlight-cast puddle of light to the next, but no one else was on the sidewalk and most of the houses were dark. It was late. She should have gone home sooner, but the LSAT was in two days and she was starting to feel like she was suffocating, so she'd stayed at the library until it closed and a student worker with bright purple hair worthy of Lola kicked her out.
What she really should have done was taken the car, but campus was so close to their house that she hardly ever drove. She hadn't had to fill up the gas tank once in the six weeks Miley had been gone, and it had only been half-full when she'd left. Lilly veered into the driveway, jumping off the skateboard and scooping it up. She patted the hood of the car as she walked past. Poor Maria, she thought. The car probably missed Miley as much as she did.
The porch light wasn't on: another thing she should have done but hadn't. The skateboard slipped from her grasp as she fumbled in the back pocket of her bookbag for her keys. It clattered against the weathered boards of the porch, the sound loud in the otherwise quiet night, and Lilly sent a mental apology winging towards whatever neighbors she might have woken up.
She got the door open and reached inside to slap on the porch and living room lights before picking up the skateboard and propping it against the wall just inside the door. Shrugging off her backpack and letting it thud to the ground, she relocked the door behind her and then tossed the keys towards the coffee table. They skidded across the top and fell off the far edge, but she was past caring about them at this point.
"Honey, I'm home," she muttered. The dead silence of the house swallowed the words. Lilly sighed. The house was so empty. It didn't even feel like her house most of the time, it felt like someone else's abandoned home, like in one of those horror movies about the end of the world where everyone got vaporized and left all their stuff behind. It probably didn't help that she only spent about one waking hour here a day, but it was just so depressing being here alone. Every inch of this place was steeped with memories of Miley, of them together.
Lilly headed upstairs, flipping lights on in front of her and off behind her as she moved through the house and into their bedroom. She yanked the curtains closed – that was one thing she had learned to do faithfully – and started stripping out of her clothes, checking the clock by the bed. A little after midnight, and Miley was in Kansas City, so it would be just after ten there. She had a concert tonight that was probably still going.
Her pajamas and Miley's sweatshirt were still piled on the unmade bed where Lilly had left them this morning. She pulled them on and went to brush her teeth. Right now, Miley would be onstage, holding everyone hostage with her voice.
She finished in the bathroom and shuffled back down the hall, turning off the light and getting into bed. The room was pitch black. Or maybe, she thought, the show was just ending, and Miley was grinning and waving while the audience cheered, sweat making her glow. Lilly had been to so many concerts she could picture everything perfectly, the golden glare of the stage, the flash of Miley's smile, the shadowed, heaving mass of people below.
Usually, Lilly loved Miley's fans. If for nothing else, she loved them for loving Miley, and for the fact that most of them were Hannah fans who had taken her back with open arms, just as she was now. But in that instant, lying alone in bed, she hated them so much she almost gagged on it, because they were there with Miley, they could see her in front of them, lit up beautiful and blinding-bright under the spotlight, and all Lilly had was endless, unyielding darkness.
———————————————
Eight
"Did you see that?" Miley asked, catching Jenny by the arm and stopping her in her tracks. There was a girl on the other side of the street with long blonde hair. She'd turned her head for just a second, and Miley would swear she looked exactly like –
"See what?" Jenny asked. She glanced up from where she'd been studying the directions to the local TV station on her phone.
The girl across the street turned again, giving Miley a good view of her face. She didn't look anything like Lilly. "Never mind."
"I didn't see anything," Jenny apologized. "But I think we turn right up here."
"It's all right," Miley told her. "It was nothing."
But it happened again on the way back from the interview, this time with a woman wearing the exact same jacket Lilly had. She was just ahead of them in the light after-lunch crowd on the sidewalks. "Lilly?" Miley said. It wasn't until she'd cut through the people in front of her and put a hand on the woman's shoulder that she realized the woman was too tall, and her hair was cut wrong, in a short bob around her chin.
The woman turned around, eyebrows raised. And she was at least forty. "Sorry," Miley said. "I thought you were someone else." She retreated back to Jenny's side, ignoring the odd look Jenny gave her.
It happened again: in the car on the way to the concert there was a girl on a skateboard on the sidewalk. She had Lilly's helmet, not the blue one she had now, but the bright red one she'd had before. There was a split second when Miley's heart leapt in recognition, and then, even though she knew it couldn't possibly be Lilly – too young, brown hair, Lilly had never had that helmet here – her eyes followed that spot of red until it disappeared.
And again: at the concert. She glanced backstage during a song, thought she saw Lilly standing there, and almost ran off the stage. She did flub a line, but managed to recover. When she dared look backstage again, no one was there.
It was hopeless, she knew that, but that didn't stop her from hoping. No performance had ever seemed to drag on as long as this one did. She rushed offstage almost before the final note of the last song died away, barely waving to acknowledge the applause that erupted.
Backstage was crawling with support personnel, but no Lilly. Jenny started when Miley burst through the door to her dressing room. Lilly wasn't there. Of course she wasn't.
"Miley?" Jenny asked. "What is it? Is something wrong?"
Miley sighed. "No." I'm just going crazy, she thought. That's all. "Let's just get back to the hotel, okay?"
No more, she willed out the car window at the universe, watching the lights of Sioux Falls go by.
But there it was waiting for her in the hotel lobby: a glimpse of dirty blonde hair, a woman standing at the concierge desk, just the right height. It wasn't Lilly, she knew it wasn't, Lilly had a ten-page paper due in two days and a final in four. It couldn't be Lilly, but she hoped again anyway. She couldn't stop herself.
The woman turned to dig through her purse for something, and Miley couldn't stop the disappointment that flooded through her then either. Not Lilly. Dammit.
She called Lilly as soon as she got in her room. It was after midnight, and there was only an hour time difference, but Lilly would be up late studying. "I think I'm going crazy," she said when Lilly answered.
"Five more days," Lilly said.
Miley closed her eyes and leaned back against the room door. Hearing Lilly's voice helped, and she felt better just knowing that Lilly knew what she meant without Miley having to explain it. "I keep seeing you everywhere."
"Just wait until I get there," Lilly said. "You won't be able to have your eyes open without seeing me."
"Promise?" Miley asked.
"Pinky swear," Lilly said, but all Miley could think was that they were too far away for that.
———————————————
August
The crowd jostled Lilly as she made her way from baggage claim to the departure gate, towing her suitcase behind her. She had a duffel bag on top of it, fastened to the pull-out handle, which made it heavy and unwieldy and she had to fight to keep it from toppling over as people kept bumping into it. Her eyes narrowed in annoyance and she sent cranky thoughts out at the heads of everyone surrounding her, thoughts that doubled as they approached the gate and Lilly realized that they were all taller than she was. She craned her neck, trying to see Miley, but all she got were flashes of random strangers' ears and shoulders. Inconsiderate little...
"Lilly," Miley called off to her right. Lilly whipped around and paid back all the negative karma these people had built-up in her mind by tearing through the crowd, heedless of the sides she elbowed and toes her suitcase ran over. Finally, she broke through the ranks and spotted Miley waiting for her over by the wall past the end of the moving walkway. She was wearing a UT sweatshirt with the hood pulled up and giant sunglasses, a makeshift disguise that had probably only worked so far because this was Minnesota. Lilly crossed the rest of the space between them in an instant.
The suitcase did fall over on its side when Lilly dropped the handle to grab Miley instead, but Lilly couldn't have cared less. She was too busy hugging Miley for all she was worth. Miley hugged back so hard all the breath was squeezed out of Lilly's lungs and she was reminded of a similar greeting she'd endured five years ago. How had Miley stood being alone for eighteen months? Just two had almost killed Lilly.
"Can't...breathe," Lilly gasped.
"Oops," Miley said, loosening her arms. "Sorry."
"I didn't say stop," Lilly said. She leaned into Miley's body, breathing in the smell of her, lips curling up in a smile when Miley chuckled.
"Sorry, but you just got here and I'd like to keep you around for a while," Miley said. She let go of Lilly and bent down to grab the suitcase. "Come on, let's get out of here and, uh – " She whispered the next part seductively into Lilly's ear, sending shivers of barely-controlled arousal down Lilly's spine. " – find someplace we can say hello properly, if you know what I mean." It took everything Lilly had not to push Miley up against the wall and strip her naked right there in the airport.
Somehow, they made it back to the hotel. Lilly wouldn't let go of Miley's hand the whole way there. Miley had driven herself to the airport, so Lilly couldn't crawl into her lap and stay there on the way back like she wanted, and she needed some form of physical contact to reassure her that this was actually, finally happening, after so long.
She couldn't tear her eyes away from Miley, either, drinking in the sight of her. Miley looked tired, a little pinched around the eyes, though that disappeared every time she glanced over at Lilly and found Lilly looking back at her. She'd probably lost about five pounds, which she definitely couldn't afford to lose, and Lilly immediately started plotting how she could get some weight back on Miley's bones while she was here.
"We're going out for dinner tonight," she said as Miley pulled the car into the underground parking lot beneath the hotel. "A big dinner."
Miley raised an eyebrow at that but shrugged. "Whatever you want," she promised. "We can just drop off your stuff and go now if you're hungry."
Lilly was kind of hungry, but she had other ideas in mind. She barely saw the white marble floor in the lobby of the Grand Hotel or noticed the lavish furnishings in their suite – which included a fireplace and a library in built-in bookshelves – as she rapidly discarded Miley's clothes and pushed her down on the bed.
Hands were everywhere, sliding over skin without stopping as they reacquainted themselves with each other's bodies. They didn't talk, couldn't, and the only sounds were moans and whimpers and needy whines: music no one else would ever get to hear. Lilly pressed closer, trying to get into Miley's skin because it had been two months without this, two months without Miley, two months –
Three hours later, they were finally finished 'saying hello.' Lilly lay flat on her back on the bed, chest heaving, trying to get her breathing back to normal. The taste of Miley lingered on her tongue, thick and heady. "That's one heck of a hello you've got there, Stewart."
Miley grinned down at her, lying on her side with her head propped on one hand. "Yours ain't too bad there, either, Truscott." She inched closer to Lilly and leaned down, licking and nibbling at the skin over Lilly's collarbone. "You still want to go out to dinner? You're probably starving by now."
The idea of doing anything that would require her to get dressed and move more than two inches away from Miley was anathema. "Let's just get room service." Her stomach growled. "A lot of room service."
Miley laughed. "I think we can handle that." She laid her head down on Lilly's shoulder and slid an arm over Lilly's waist. "Just gimme a minute and I'll call down and order."
Lilly stroked her fingers along Miley's forearm, watching goosebumps follow in their wake. "I think this is what I missed the most," she said.
"What, the sex?" Miley asked, laughing. "I knew you only loved me for my hot body."
"No," Lilly said, lightly slapping the back of Miley's hand. "No, not the sex. Just – just this. Just being able to touch you."
Miley tightened her arm, pulling Lilly even closer. "I know," she said. "I know."
———————————————