Stephanie Meyer owns Twilight.
Thanks to MeteorOnAMoonlessNight for being my beta, and giving me her opinion when I need it!
A/N: I just want everyone to be aware, that all of the feelings and issues that Bella speaks regarding her mother about in this chapter are true for me. Everything that happened to her mom, happened to mine. I still struggle but I'm getting there, thing like writing help. Also, if you want a song to help you relate, Supermarket Flowers by Ed Sheeran is a good choice.
-SMT-
"So, did you want to talk first, or should I order dinner?" Edward asked.
I sighed and sat down on the couch. "Go ahead and order so that it'll be here when we're ready to eat," I told him. Hopefully while he was on the phone it would give me enough time to get my thoughts straight.
Now that we were actually going to have this conversation, I was feeling silly. What if he just thought that I was crazy, or that these things just didn't matter. For years, I had held on to these thoughts and emotions and now that I was actually going to let someone in I was doubting the validity of my feelings.
He walked back in the room a few moments later and sat down next to me. "I ordered your usual, they said it should be here in about 45 minutes." I knew he wouldn't just outright ask me to start talking, but I could see the expectant look in his eyes.
I nodded and took a deep breath. "I'm not even sure I know where to start."
He took my hand in his, rubbing his thumb along my knuckles softly. "Well, what if we start with how you're feeling right now?"
"Honestly? Overwhelmed, and frustrated that I even have to have these feelings. Slightly scared to actually be talking about my mom, because I don't know how I'm going to get through it. I try my best to not think about it."
He lifted my hand to his lips, kissing it softly. "I'll be right here. Just ask, and I will do whatever you need me to do, baby. I promise."
I took another deep breath and decided that the best place to start was sort of the beginning of the end. "So... I found out that I was pregnant in April of 2011, and at that point things were still good between James and me. So I obviously I told him first, and he was so happy, maybe a little nervous though." I laughed softly. "After him, the next person I just knew I had to tell was my mom. I can still remember her exact reaction. She just yelled 'Charlie! Get over here! Bella's pregnant!', like I had literally just given her the best present ever. That's how it always was with her, though. Trust me, she had her faults, but she tried to live her life always searching for joy, and she had so much of it in that moment." I looked over at him to see him smiling softly.
"I bet it was the best present you could have ever given her, sweet girl," he said.
I nodded and continued, "Rosalie and Emmett had decided a long time ago that they going to wait to have children for a while, or maybe not have them ever. It made it easy for my parents to decide that they were going to come out to Washington to stay for my pregnancy and then for a while after the baby was born so that we would have help. My mom had been having a few health issues, nothing that serious, and definitely not enough to persuade her not to come, even though now I really wish that it had been serious enough to keep her here."
"Why?" was all he asked.
"Because, Edward, if she had never moved to a fucking town that had crap medical care, maybe she'd still be alive! Don't you get it? She only came to Port Angeles because of me!" I exclaimed. I had never told anyone that I blamed myself for my mom dying. She'd had a major stroke, and when they'd gotten her to the hospital we were told that they just didn't have the resources to care for her, that she'd need to be airlifted if she was going to have a chance, but she wasn't stable enough to do that. That day I felt as if I had signed my mother's life away.
"Bella, baby, whatever happened to her wasn't your—"
I couldn't stop the sob that broke through; we hadn't even been talking for 30 minutes, and I already felt like I couldn't do this. "But it is, Edward. It is my fault. I... I know that her having a stroke wasn't my fault, but the fact that she was so far from a major hospital... if I had just—"
He pulled me onto his lap and held me tightly to him. "She wanted to be there, Bella. Obviously I never met her, but if she was half the mother you are, that means she was amazing. You would do anything for Riley, and she would have done anything for you, baby. It is not your fault that she was there with you, and you didn't do anything wrong by having your mom there to support you throughout your pregnancy."
I heard everything he was saying, and I wanted to believe him. Deep in my heart I knew he was right, but I just couldn't come to grips with it yet. I had been carrying around this guilt for years, it wasn't just going to go away overnight. I was feeling a little lighter having someone else know the way that I felt, though.
I laid my head against his chest. "I don't know how to move forward, Edward. I've been trying for years now, and I just don't know what to do. I couldn't go to her funeral, because it was here in New York, and I was 9 months pregnant and unable to fly across the country. I never got closure. I was just able to hide my head in the sand, and try to pretend that everything was fine. And to add to it, not even two weeks later, I was sent to be induced to have Riley. I almost lost him, too. We found out later that the umbilical cord was wrapped around his body, and every time I had a contraction, it was strangling him; his heart rate dropped below 50 twice. I was sure that God was going to take my baby, too. Then years later, James just gave up on us and left. Now I'm stuck being scared that I'm going to lose you in some way, too."
He kissed the top of my head, then moved us so that I could see his face. I could see the tears that were in his eyes, just waiting to spill over. "I am not going anywhere. If I was the one in your place, Bella, would you just leave me? Would you just give up on me?"
I just shook my head.
"Then you have to know that I will not give up on you. I don't give a fuck how long we've been together, you have my heart and I love you. You need me, and I need you, and you know what? Riley needs us. I know James isn't active in his life, and I know I said I'd wait and let you tell me what role you want me to have in his life, but... I want to be a dad to him, Bella. I love both of you."
My vision was blurry with the tears that wouldn't stop falling. I was so in love with this man, and I was so thankful that I had chosen to open up to him. Nothing was going to happen overnight, and I knew that I was still going to struggle with my guilt and with insecurities that he was going to leave us or give up on me, but I wanted to try to work through all of my issues with him. "I want that, too. So very much. You are so great to him, and to me. Sometimes I'm afraid this is all just a dream, and I'm going to wake up and you'll have never existed."
"Well, I very much exist, and all I want to do is try and love you both the very best that I can."
I leaned up and pressed a kiss to his cheek. "That's all we need from you," I said quietly.
-SMT-
After we finished dinner we were laying in bed curled up together.
"Bella, do you mind if I ask a question?" I could tell that he was hesitant.
"No, what's up?" I asked.
"Well, you remember how I told you a while back that I'd gone to therapy? I was just wondering if it's ever something that you'd consider?" he asked while running his hand up and down my arm.
I nodded against his chest. "It's something that I've been thinking about lately, I just don't know how to start."
"Well, I could give you the name of my therapist and if you don't like her I'm sure she could refer you to someone else. What do you think about that?"
"I like that idea, but if I make an appointment will you go with me, at least for the first one?" I just needed him to hold my hand a little at first.
"I can do that, but this is something I think you ultimately have to do on your own. I'll be there to support you every step of the way, though, and to talk whenever you need to."
I sighed heavily. "I know. I'm just so nervous to open up even more. What if it doesn't work and then I'm just stuck in a situation that's even worse?"
He sat up and pulled me with him. "There are no guarantees, baby, but I really think it'll help and be good for you, for all of us, really. Riley will benefit so much from having a happier, healthier mama, and you and I? Well, I think we'll be fine regardless, as long as we have each other."
"Edward, you always know what to say and what to do. How are you so perfect?"
He let out a breath. "I am so far from perfect, Bella. I'm terrified that one day I'm going to let you down, that I'm not going to know what to say or do, or that I'll lose my temper with you and Riley. Please don't place me on a pedestal, I promise you that one day I'll fall off."
I scrambled onto his lap, placing my hands on either side of his face so that I could look directly in his eyes. "I'm so sorry. I'm always wrapped up in my own issues or Riley's that I haven't noticed that I am putting you on a pedestal. I was serious earlier when I told you that we really just need you, you're like a missing piece to our hearts. I want you to lose your temper, and to push my buttons sometimes, and I sure as hell can't be the only one to ever lose it with Riley." I smiled slightly at him, wiping a tear from under his eye.
I felt like we both really needed this night. For me, it was so I could start to lift some weight off of my shoulders, so that I could finally grieve fully for my mother, and he needed this so I would realize that he would be there for me, that it was okay to lean on him, but that he was only human. There were no guarantees that he'd always have the answers, but he'd be there to help me find them.
I hated to admit it, but he had opened my eyes to the fact that there were times when I was already taking him for granted and forgetting that he was bound to have problems of his own that he'd need help with, too.
With all of these revelations, it made it all the more clear to me that I definitely had to start seeing a therapist, and soon. I wanted to be able to support Edward as much as he supported me, and I couldn't do that if I continued to stay stuck in the past.
I slipped off his lap and laid back, pulling him down with me. "I'm going to call and make an appointment first thing on Monday," I said to him.
He placed a kiss on my lips. "I'm really proud of you for being willing to try. I think this is going to be so good for you. We have a long life ahead of us. I want us both to be at our best so that we can spend it being happy together."
In that moment, I was determined to really live my life. I didn't want to look back one day and find out that I waited too long. So many years of my life had already passed me by, and I wasn't about to let the rest of my life with Edward and Riley slip through my fingers as well.