I manage to get to Peeta and I's room before I feel like I am fainting. I grab a morphling tablet off my bedside table and shove it into my mouth. I lie down on the bed, waiting for the drugs to react but all I can think about is every death threat I have ever gotten. In the end, it's just one little life. One more gone, just like every child in the Games. Maybe if I turned myself in, Vanessa would spare my family. That'd be nice. Peeta could bake more cakes. My thoughts are jumbled now and I am thinking of stupid things like Prim's cat...then I doze off.

00

When I wake up, I am relieved that I have had no nightmares. Then I see Peeta in the bathroom, wearing nothing but his pajama pants and brushing his teeth.

"Hey," he says, spitting his toothpaste out and wiping his mouth clean. "Good sleep?"

"Best," I say. He climbs into bed after shutting off the light and we're face to face again, each lying on our sides. I don't say anything which is just as fine. Part of me wants to tell Peeta exactly what's in my head, but instead I am making a plan to turn myself in. It seems even better of an idea when I'm off the drugs. I curl into his chest and he puts both his arms around me tightly. I realize this could be the last time we get to be alone and I whisper in his ear.

"Peeta?"

"Yes?"

"I love you." I haven't said it in those plain words before and they sound beautiful and soft in the silent room.

"I love you too." He kisses my nose softly and we snuggle even closer. I hold back my tears as I revel in the moment, my head on his chest and our bodies so tightly knit together. It's a perfect moment and I fall asleep like this, nightmares banished from my mind.

00

I wake up last the next morning and decide that I have to do it. I have to find Vanessa and I have to turn myself in. Maybe we can make a bargain. I die, and my list of people live. I clumsily reach into my drawer and pull out a notepad and a pen. I scribble down the first name.

Peeta

The love of my life and my best friend. He's mostly the reason I am leaving. I kiss my finger and place it on his name. I write down the next one.

Haymitch

We don't agree on everything but he's always been around when I needed to talk to someone when Peeta was so intent on killing me. I kiss my finger and tap his name.

Prim

She isn't little anymore but she's stronger too. She has so much to look forward to. I give her name a kiss too.

My mother

Even when she fell into depression and I was cold to her, I loved her still. She is now the mother I need. One by one, I write the names. Finnick. Effie. Beetee. Before I know it, I am writing names like Rue, remembering each special person in my life. I reach the end of my paper and squeeze in one last name. My father. I can't write anything for him. No words can put together the painful loss I still feel. I rip off all the dead people's names and set them on my pillow. The rest I keep in my pocket. I write a note to Peeta before I begin to plan my leave:

Peeta,

The boy with bread. That's what I always called you in my head. Maybe I loved you from the start and didn't realize it. Sometimes people are blinded from things like that. But I know I love you now. I love your hair when I brush it from your eyes. I love your bright blue eyes that I can almost see in the dark. I think that if we had more time together, I'd like to have a kid. A girl probably. You would argue for a boy, I know it.

Peeta Mellark, you are the best person in the whole world and I'm sorry it took me so long to realize that.
Love,
Katniss

I can barely finish because my eyes are full of tears as I fold up the letter, scribble his name on it, and set it on his pillow. I get up from our bed and change into a black long sleeve, black pants, and put on my father's hunting jacket. I braid my hair slowly before heading down to the control room. My first motive is to steal Beetee's map to where Finnick and I were kidnapped. The bunker. Everyone is at breakfast so I easily sift through drawers of supplies. Then I see it was right in front of my face on the table, folded up with an M marked on it. Obvious. I snatch it up and tuck it into my backpack. I swing my bag onto my shoulders and run out, my boots clicking against the smooth floor.

The dining room is on the way to the front door, so I take a small detour and end up at a back door of the kitchen, a little lost. Better than nothing. I try to wipe myself of emotions as I hear the happy chatting of the others. I pack lots of food and five bottles of water. I don't know how far the bunker is away but I can't think about that now. I take my bow and arrows but I know I will deposit them along with my backpack once I find the bunker. If a deal is to work, I need to throw away all my weapons. I finally finish packing and head out the back door. The snow is thick and deep which will only make it harder.

I start the long hike away. With one last look at the mansion, I realize my eyes are dry and I am ready. I can do this for them even if it means I cannot see them again. I am cold the moment I finally step into the woods. The snow is falling yet again and I can feel the flakes hitting my face. I start to feel regretful about not staying to open gifts with everyone, but it would just hurt more. Maybe they wouldn't even care that much. Maybe they could value their own lives against mine. Which is what I wanted right? But Peeta would be heartbroken...I know he would. I realize I am clinging to a tree for support, my legs having trouble holding me. I'm really doing it. I am leaving everyone I know and love just to probably get myself killed.

I trudge on anyway, the snow freezing me to my core.